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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

Subject:Time heals all wounds
Time:2:53 am.
Mood: creative.
Music:Black Lab- Keep Myself Awake.
I am finally getting my shit together after my DUI which devistated me. It's not about the money anymore, it's about a learning expierence. Every expierence I endure, I grow more mature. Time will eventually heal all open wounds, but time will never eradicate memories of that night. Thank God I didn't kill anybody. I have been so blessed the past couple of months with receiving SSI, my wonderful new boyfriend, my health, and my good grades. I shouldn't be depressed; however, I am. It's not school, or stresses of life. It's mainly internal conflict and I suppose my parents. Both of them seem to affect me TOGETHER even though they are divorced and reside in seperate states.
My Mom now is accusing me of not giving her a foreboding of her tax audit, and my Dad is feeding me bullshit like always. I had a "physical" father, but in reality he was just an illusion. He was never there for me, he was just... there. My Mom believes I am conspiring against her with my Dad to "fuck her over." When I bring up the wrongs of her life and ways, she seems to like to turn shit around. She saids I play games with her; she plays them worse, and more frequently. I really pity her boyfriend; not because of her but her whole persona. When she drinks she isn't my Mom. She is this evil woman I don't reconize.
I am not a saint or Dolly Lama when it comes to drinking and drugs. Hell, I drank half a 1/5th of Vodka just this weekend. Besides problems with my parents, my boyfriend is a bright star in my dim world. He makes me laugh, and he makes me feel loved and important. George is the best thing that has happened to me all month. Not to mention I gained a great group of friends who care about me. I have decided to start training for the city marathon next year; I certainly have enough time on my hands. Running helps me escape for a 1/2 an hour. I need alternatives to drinking and drugging. I miss my Dad and I am sad that all this shit had to end up this way, but I guess it occured for a reason. My Mom is threatening to send me back to Ohio; I am so confused.
Mitch, my "friend" has decided to ditch me for a new girl he met in AZ. I am not implying that he can't be with a girl, it's just that he is like ignoring me. I was going to go out to AZ this New Years; however, my plans were cut real dry because he is coming to CA to be with his g/f and her family. It's all good and everything, but I am still kinda depressed about it. I was looking forward to it. I thought 18 was going to be cool. I am a legal adult I would always say to myself. However it's not so cool anymore. The title, "adult" comes with responsibility and growing. My Mom is wrong about alot of things when she saids I am a liar, a game player, a cheat, and a back stabber; however, she is correct about one thing I am confused.
Dusty looks like shit. He hasn't really eat, and he is beginning to become emaciated. I wish that I could take away his pain, but all I could do is try and talk to him. He doesn't want to talk; he is "fine" is always claims. I don't believe that. He seems so pallid, vunerable, and depressed. I want to just hug him and tell him it will be alright. When he told me he cut up his arm, it hurt me. I remember the times I cut, and it made me think about it again. Now he is doing it to bear with his pain. But I understand WHY he is though. I can relate. That is what is so cool about the human race. We have a way of forming relationships and relating to other human beings though our pain, expierences, and good times. Life is like an asshole sometimes, it sometimes takes a shit on you. I know, great analogy for life. So filled with intelligence.
My diet is going okay, I have lost like 3 lbs. I ate too much today though. Oh well, fuck it. That is another thing my Mom judges is my weight. Fuck her. She is just insecure sometimes. Sometimes I think she is the one that has all the issues, not me. The difference between her and I is she refuses to admit her problems and defaults, but I am quick to admit mine. I am not perfect and I will never be.

I am out.
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Blurty for FallenMiaAngel.

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