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|Friday, May 2nd, 2008|
|Life in Session
My desire to use and drink is still there, and I don't think it will ever go away. I'm depressed, and I don't want to live anymore. Ever since Mom died, there hasn't been much to live for except drink and get loaded. I don't understand the pink cloud that people in early recovery have because everytime I was in early recovery, it was always hard for me. I just want to make it though the day without drinking or getting high. I have a lot to lose this time if I relapse. Tonight i'm going to a meeting with my sponsor, and usually at the end of the day I am okay. It's just the morning and afternoon I struggle with.
I miss Victor and I resent him because he gets to drink and get high. I think he told me he got high the other day on purpose, and that wasn't very nice. I just feel like going out and screwing up. But I really can't because i'll either test dirty or smell like booze and i'll be out on the street again. I wish this feeling would go away. Current Mood: depressed
|Thursday, May 1st, 2008|
Where did the past 5 years go?
Well-there's good news and bad news that have occured in the past 4-5 years since I last even been on blurty and blogged. I've been recovering from my eating disoders, but still struggled with addiction with drugs and alcohol. I'm finally back into recovery, and I am really hating it. I am feeling all these feelings that I haven't really wanted to deal with for a really long time. In July 2005 I went into recovery attempting to overcome anorexia and meth addiction, and eventually the pain was too great that I eventually relapsed. In June 2006 I went into treatment again; this time for alcohol. Now I am going waaaay back, but Dec 19, 2004 my Mom passed away from a motorcycle accident. A thought occured to me just as I was typing this but, when I was first going to college when I was in high school, a guy read my palm and just asked me, "Are you okay?!" I didn't know what he meant, and he didn't volunteer info.
I think now over the past 5 years, I think I know what that is now. I thank him (whereever he may be) for not telling me and letting me expierence it for myself without knowing what will happen. I don't think I would of gained as much wisdom that I have gained over these few years that just slipped though my fingers like sand particials at the beach. In Sept 2007 I moved into a place that was affordable, and the day I moved in, I relapsed and drank after 2 weeks of sobriety. From then on I was on to a 1/5th of vodka + a day. I just moved 4 days from this journal entry date, and I stayed in that hell hole for 7 months. Using and drinking was accepted there.
I finally made the decision to get clean again and I am going though a lot of pain right now. I'm happy with my new living arrangement, but it's not the same without Victor. He was a man that resided with me in this other place, and we have quite an age gap. I was 22 (i'll be 23 on the 10th), and he just turned 49 3 months back. We had a relationship for 2 weeks, but for most of the time we were "booty calls". We decided that we can't be romantic and I have accepted that part months ago. For some reason I felt a bond with him because he listened to me, and he understood. He told me about a cross road he encountered, and how he was on a spiritual journey and had to improve his relationship with his higher power, and "cleanse" himself. He found out 8 years ago he contracted Hep C from slamming dope (his sister said it was from hookers), but I really don't care how he got it. He took interferon and now after 7 months his blood work is showing "undetectable". That's a miracle.
He moved out a month before I did and I felt abandoned. He explained to me it was the stress of the house, and he was tired of dealing with my rages when I would get drunk. He claimed he had a "crash-course" in alcoholism because I was the first "real" alcoholic he's encountered. Most of his family are addicts, and his dad is a closet drinker. I haven't seen him in a month, and the last time I ever saw him was in our driveway when he loaded his stuff into the car from the garage and he gave me a brief kiss. I haven't seen him since. I miss him and he doesn't really even call me anymore. I am hurt, depressed, and feel abandoned and I feel like I can't get close to anyone anymore because they will leave me. My father left me, my mother died on me, and now Victor split. I am glad he's happier, and I did put him though hell and he hung in there because he saw my potential and he did the best he could to give me advice. I still remember some of the things he told me, and I feel remorse for some of the things I said when drinking, the abuse I put him though (even though he was abusive and controling as hell himself), and I just hope I can make it up to him one day. It's hard to even want to stay sober with all that guilt and shame, and just him being gone. I feel empty because he was the only one in that hellhole that made me feel like I was okay, and gave me some one to talk to that UNDERSTOOD.
Also, it's not good on the other hand that I communicate with him because he is using, and it's even against the rules of my home to be associating with him. I just miss him, and I am praying for him to at least just call and tell me that he's okay. But life's in session, and I have to move on with my life and recovery and not use.
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
I have been so busy with school. School has begin; another semester to endure more hell. I broke up with George finally, thank god! He was such a prick to me. He just had this grandouise idea that he was better than certain people. He isn't the most brightest person, but he isn't all that bad. All my friends seem to be excluding me now since our breakup. Go figure. I don't have friends; I am destined to be alone I suppose. At least I still have Ty and my friend Jen.
Amy is another friend that has dissapointed me beyond belief. Apparently a month ago, I was her best friend. Now that title has going to Julie. Julie is a girl who looks like a poodle. lol She ditched me for drugs and money. Oh well, we were back into meth together for about a month. All that "fun" ended when she decided to psuedo "OD" to avoid hanging out with me. Amy lacks intelligence; she really does. This girl has the IQ of like 85. Her mental capacity is that of a 17 year old and she is almost 22. She only contacts me now for money I don't even owe her. She really disgusts me lately; she has a 18 month son who she doesn't even ask about. She is too busy out doing drugs and screwing her boyfriend. I seem spiteful; I am. I am not afraid to admit my spite towards her; she's put me though a lot, and I resent and hate her for that.
So now I hang out with her Sister Jen. Jen is a really good person. I really like being around her. The only thing keeping me alive now is school and some useless goals I hold on to. Rather pathetic I know. If I had no goals, i'd most likely off myself. I have nothing really to offer the world, or other people. I just waste the oxygen. I am depressed. I wasn't all this time though. I was either high out of my mind, or manic. It hasn't been all bad. I can't really complain that much. I am receiving assistance for school: tuition, books, counseling programs. It's rather nice to be helped. I have always been so reluctant to ask for some assistance until now; I didn't believe it was right. I met some guy named Binx, but I see no future relationship with him whatsoever. I think it was just a "wam bam" night thing. Oh well, it's cool, we live too far anyway!
Needless to say I am left with no hope, no job, no friends, no boyfriend (which is HIS fault), and lack of self-worth. The reason I am being so critical of George is due to the fact he never tried. I tried so much to have a NORMAL relationship. I suppose all his incentive was to get fucked. I regret even sleeping with him. Let alone meeting him! Uugh.. He has absolutely no regard for style. He looks like a slob. Holes in his clothes, un groomed hair, nasty bruly facial hair which needs to be shaved, and he smells. lol Literally, he does! I am not a beauty queen, but I try and keep myself up. It's the only thing I have left is my looks. I can't let them dissipate into shit like my life. You know? I have been resuming my medications which has sucked. This entry so far is so uplifting. I have also decided to resort back to self AFFLICTED (okay asshole I agknowlege it's an existing English word) starvation. Oh that was a debate I had in a chat room with some arrogant pompous asshole. Yeah, I am nice aren't I? Current Mood: apatheticCurrent Music: Jewel
|Wednesday, December 31st, 2003|
*apathetic sigh* 2004...
Happy New Year! 2004 is ensuing and I gotta reflect back upon this year. Well, maybe I don't want to right now. A lot has occured this year though! George is really getting on my nerves. He is claiming that he "bettered" me when I stopped drinking so much. He didn't better me! I am still continuing to do speed, and such. He doesn't know anything; he is completely ignorant to what has been going on in my life. I live a double life; one with him and my friends, and the one I live with my "bag buddies." I have my druggie friends and my casual drinking and hanging out ones. It's cool though. I would never force anyone to do speed; in fact, I wouldn't reccommend it. It's so addicting!!
I was gone from my house partying for two days. I am taking advantage of the fact I am on break from school until the 20th. George didn't call me once to check up on me; fuck him! It's like he doesn't care about me. He is so immature for his age. He still plays D&D and magic the gathering, and he is 20 years old. Oh yeah George you are so grown up. *rolls eyes* He can fuck, drink beer, and be a big boy; however, he can't call up his g/f to see how she is doing. Nor can he take her out for a dinner and a movie.
I make excuses on why he doesn't take me out, and I am sick of it. Whatever, he is dumb and he doesn't deserve my time. I don't mean to sound so like egotisical and snotty, but he really doesn't treat me right. He thinks he is the most perfect and "enlightened" 20 year old in the world. Whatever you say you prick. So I have decided not to call him for a couple of days to play with him and see what he does. Also, my cat died yesterday We had to put her down; she had cancer in her face. It was so depressing. I needed to get out tonight and get high, and that is what I did. Then I took a cab home around 5:20 AM. The cab ride cost like $24.00! I was like damn... I am never taking the cab again!
It beat walking like a mile to my house from the bus stop though; I just didn't want to deal with it. On the 27th I went to a party and smoked meth and drank some beer. I had some fun. I cheated on George though; what else is new. I met this guy who I call Binx, and I don't regret it at all. He is so much cooler than George. Uugghh.. I have decided and accepted the fact I can't have like real stable realationships until I am willing to work on them; which I am not as of like now. I figured that I shouldn't really care anymore. My meth use has grown more heavy, and my tolerance is going up again. I guess I am getting addicted. I love meth. Why though? It ruins lives. I guess tonight I am going to smoke some more and I am going to my friends cabin to go hang out and drink some beer. That should be fun for New's Years I guess.
|Wednesday, November 5th, 2003|
|Time heals all wounds
I am finally getting my shit together after my DUI which devistated me. It's not about the money anymore, it's about a learning expierence. Every expierence I endure, I grow more mature. Time will eventually heal all open wounds, but time will never eradicate memories of that night. Thank God I didn't kill anybody. I have been so blessed the past couple of months with receiving SSI, my wonderful new boyfriend, my health, and my good grades. I shouldn't be depressed; however, I am. It's not school, or stresses of life. It's mainly internal conflict and I suppose my parents. Both of them seem to affect me TOGETHER even though they are divorced and reside in seperate states.
My Mom now is accusing me of not giving her a foreboding of her tax audit, and my Dad is feeding me bullshit like always. I had a "physical" father, but in reality he was just an illusion. He was never there for me, he was just... there. My Mom believes I am conspiring against her with my Dad to "fuck her over." When I bring up the wrongs of her life and ways, she seems to like to turn shit around. She saids I play games with her; she plays them worse, and more frequently. I really pity her boyfriend; not because of her but her whole persona. When she drinks she isn't my Mom. She is this evil woman I don't reconize.
I am not a saint or Dolly Lama when it comes to drinking and drugs. Hell, I drank half a 1/5th of Vodka just this weekend. Besides problems with my parents, my boyfriend is a bright star in my dim world. He makes me laugh, and he makes me feel loved and important. George is the best thing that has happened to me all month. Not to mention I gained a great group of friends who care about me. I have decided to start training for the city marathon next year; I certainly have enough time on my hands. Running helps me escape for a 1/2 an hour. I need alternatives to drinking and drugging. I miss my Dad and I am sad that all this shit had to end up this way, but I guess it occured for a reason. My Mom is threatening to send me back to Ohio; I am so confused.
Mitch, my "friend" has decided to ditch me for a new girl he met in AZ. I am not implying that he can't be with a girl, it's just that he is like ignoring me. I was going to go out to AZ this New Years; however, my plans were cut real dry because he is coming to CA to be with his g/f and her family. It's all good and everything, but I am still kinda depressed about it. I was looking forward to it. I thought 18 was going to be cool. I am a legal adult I would always say to myself. However it's not so cool anymore. The title, "adult" comes with responsibility and growing. My Mom is wrong about alot of things when she saids I am a liar, a game player, a cheat, and a back stabber; however, she is correct about one thing I am confused.
Dusty looks like shit. He hasn't really eat, and he is beginning to become emaciated. I wish that I could take away his pain, but all I could do is try and talk to him. He doesn't want to talk; he is "fine" is always claims. I don't believe that. He seems so pallid, vunerable, and depressed. I want to just hug him and tell him it will be alright. When he told me he cut up his arm, it hurt me. I remember the times I cut, and it made me think about it again. Now he is doing it to bear with his pain. But I understand WHY he is though. I can relate. That is what is so cool about the human race. We have a way of forming relationships and relating to other human beings though our pain, expierences, and good times. Life is like an asshole sometimes, it sometimes takes a shit on you. I know, great analogy for life. So filled with intelligence.
My diet is going okay, I have lost like 3 lbs. I ate too much today though. Oh well, fuck it. That is another thing my Mom judges is my weight. Fuck her. She is just insecure sometimes. Sometimes I think she is the one that has all the issues, not me. The difference between her and I is she refuses to admit her problems and defaults, but I am quick to admit mine. I am not perfect and I will never be.
I am out. Current Mood: creativeCurrent Music: Black Lab- Keep Myself Awake
|Tuesday, August 26th, 2003|
I am feeling incredible evil this morning. I have decided to cast a curse upon my father and his girlfriend Angel. I have my reasons, thier "relationship" broke up my family, she creates discord between my father and I, and most of all, she's a bitch! It's not nessesarly putting a curse individually upon them as people, but on thier pathetic little relationship. She is interfering with my father and I, she needs to go now. I can't kill her, even though I want to! So as an alternative, I am breaking them up. =) If murder were legal I would kill her, but living in the United States of America, they frown upon murder. Damn! The only thing I need to obtain for this spell is black yarn. Hmm... Well, I suppose I could goto the craft store after class and pick up a spindle.
When she is out of the way, my father and I can spend some real quality time together. No more "no cussing", no more "no negativity" lectures, nothing. My father can be himself. Anyway, I tried Acid like 2 weeks ago at Hilary's party, it was a trip. But it made me really ill. =( I saw colors and the stars were really trippy. Also, I managed to break up with Dan and we are remaining friends. In fact I hung out with that guy on Friday, and I am suppost to hang out with him on Wed. We are drinking as usual. LOL We are such alcoholics. Most witches were. Yes, I am a witch, I have a feeling I have witches and psychics in my family line. So I am not the only one. Anyway, it's 5AM and I have school in a while so I am off to bed pretty soon.
My diet has sucked!!!!! I am 218, maybe 221 now. Oh well, I will get the motivation soon, I know it. Damnit, I am going to try this 3 day diet when we go shopping when my mom leaves for WI.
Current Mood: EVIL
Current Music: NIN-Fragile
|Friday, August 8th, 2003|
I haven't really been compelled to update my journal this past month. I went back to court for the 2nd time, and my case is still under investigation. Hopefully the superior court will get sick of my case and either lower the charges against me, or just dismiss it altogether. That would be nice! Anyway, I am on vacation in Ohio visiting my Dad. I have been here since Tuesday July 29, 2003. I am here for another 4 days. I have decided it would be best while I have been away it would be the best for ME to break up with Dan.
I came to this conclusion while spending quite some time with my ex-boyfriend Mitch, but he didn't influence my final choice much. I have just been procrastinating this for about a couple months now. It makes it much easier to break up with Dan when I just don't use emotions, and I just use logic. "Left brain- Right brain" bullshit. I've had fun while I have been here. Mitch and I went to Rocky Horror and we had sex in an old cemetary I used to hang out in when I lived here. It was nice to revisit the past.
Then Mitch, CJ, Angela, and I went to the Irish festival in Dublin and saw the Flogging Molly live. I like that band now, they are pretty cool. Also, Mitch and I managed to smoke some weed, watch some scary movies at his Grandma's house, and trip out on prescription sleeping medications called Ambien. I know, sad isn't it? I had a really fun trip last night though. We went to my favorite place to trip out though, the cemetary.
I just haven't been spending all my time with Mitch, I spent some time with my Dad. We went to the Ohio state fair one day with his girlfriend Angel and her daughter Kaleen. We might goto the zoo, oh joy... But now I would like to take this time to elaborate on my trip. We first walked to Speedway, because I wanted something to drink and the fountain drinks there are ghetto cheap. Then we proceeded to walk to the cemetary and just looked at all the gravestones. I thought I saw things move, people talking, animals coming after us, a hand coming up from the ground, some obsure animal jumping off a gravestone, and people all in black walking around. It was a real trip.
Then Mitch and I just walked back to his Grandma's car and discovered that it had died. He left all the lights on. great... So I just let him sleep on the couch in my Dad's house until he could call AAA in the morning and get his battery jumped. I am kinda sad considering this is almost the conclusion of the summer and it's back to school. Great. Yay! Woo hoo! *sarcasm* But I am eager to get the semester over with though. And I can't wait to get rid of Dan once and for all, he is so boring and stupid!
All I had to eat today is spegetti and 2 meatballs. This is all wish to consume today. I also went to MN last minute and saw my family, my Aunt get married and went to the family reunion. That was like 10 days before I flew out to Ohio. I have been doing really horrible on my diet also. I gained 7 lbs. I am a fat ass pig. Oh well, that will all change very very soon. I am also thinking about Matt which I hate doing since it makes me sad. Well, I better conclude for now.
As Matt saids-
~for the people~
All consumed today:
Spegetti and 2 Meatballs ?
8 0z Orange pop 130 cals
******************************** Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: The Doors- Cars Hiss by my window
|Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003|
I ate too much yesterday. I had -poptarts -raisin bran - chex mix - ceasar salad - 3 slices of pepporoni and meatball pizza. I feel so fat, oh well.. I will do better today. Yesterday was a really wierd day though, I got hit on by some REALLY strange people yesterday. I went into the store to buy another pack of smokes and this black guy asks for my number and I just gave him a fake number and got rid of him. Today I am going to Laguna Niguel to spend the 4th of July with my boyfriend and his family, so that should be nice.
Today I want to try to eat as minium as possible. I don't like it when my boyfriend always likes to go out to taco bell or something. I could always just get a drink to get "something." If I don't get something he always questions it. Last night he was kinda pushy with money. He was like, "Has your check come, do you have anything?" I really don't know what his problem was anyway. He gets consistant income, I don't. That is one of my pet peeves about him, he is really cheap. He would bum and mooch off me if I allowed it. The little money that I do have.
I do feel awful about this but yesterday I literally prositituted myself and gave a guy a BJ for $40.00. I have always had a morbid curiosity on what it would be like to do that if it was even only for like one time. It was okay I guess, no big deal. That was the only money I had besides the additional $40.00 my Mom gave me. So now I have $80.00. I want to save $20.00 more for the tattoo I want. Dan isn't going to talk me into spending any of this money I have. It's for my tattoo, end of fucking story.
Well I have to go get ready and be fake for another weekend. Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: Hole-Awful
|Tuesday, July 1st, 2003|
Success!... well... finally
Usually in a typical I do nothing. Today I actually had the motivation to do something. You know that one cheesy ugly duckling commercial line "life sucks without a car"? It's true. So once again, I walked the mile to the bus stop at Val Verde park, bought a pack of fags and went to my school to work out something with my registration for my classes for the Fall semester. I didn't really eat anything today besides some lowfat poptarts and milk. I am proud of myself. yay... And I had some water and Diet Code Red Mt. Dew.
After I did that, I walked to Target and took a pregnancy test. Negative. Thank god! I was late for the 4:11 bus so I decided to go have an Italian soda at Java and Jazz and I saw some guy who shopelifted who ran into the bathroom run out and get handcuffed. Thinking ok.. I just walked in. I walked back to the bus stop and had another ciggarette.
The bus finally came but decided to pass. Damn bus, I had to wait a fucking hour at the damn bus station. Oh well, I made some phone calls and lit up another cigg. I met some chick named Karen and we exchanged numbers and vowed to hang out later. She was cool. Finally my bus came. I had some good luck on the way home. The lady who sells me my smokes gave me a ride up the hell hill back to my street. I thought that was pretty cool. So I guess that concluded my boring pathetic day.
Well, I just thought of something else to include in here, my mom and I shared a cigar on the front pouch and lectured me about not watering the plants. Also, when I went into Target, I saw some guy with a booth having petitions signed to impeach Gray Davis whining about "Car taxes" because the college students refused to pay millions of extra dollars in our tuitions just because Gray Davis fucked up the budget.
I wanted to say something but, I didn't. Oh well, I don't like to stereotype too much but, he seemed like the right winged type. I don't like to deal with those type of people. Besides, I was disgusted enough with seeing a possible non-citizen mexican stealing from a store. I don't mean to sound racist, but I am just being blunt. *sigh* Today I was thinking about moving to Canada, I don't know where but it's just a though. Maybe around British Columbia. The Leftist part of Canada.
Well, I am tired I am going to sleep. I am thinking about Matt so I am going to include something he always included in his journal entries.
~for the people~
All Consumed for 6/30/03:
Lowfat poptarts (2) 390 cals 6 gms fat
1 cup skim milk 90 cals
Total: 480 cals
|Tuesday, June 24th, 2003|
|Nightmare Dinner and Misc.
I went into the psych ward for only 8 days. That really wasn't alot, I was expecting alot more. Around a month.
We took my Grandma out to dinner for her birthday at this resturant and it was a REALLY horrible expierence. First, the drinks got mixed up. Second, we kept on having to request chips numerous times. When our chips arrived, they were oily, stale, and cold. Being infurated we called over the manager to complain about the chips, and the poor service.
Finally when our orders arrived, my Grandmother requested ALL beans for her dinner not rice and beans. So they took it back and fixed the error. So after dinner I ordered dessert because when I goto a mexican resturant I always have to order flan, I know it's bad but I can't resist. Since it was my Grandmother's birthday, she recieved flan for her birthday, but her dish was cracked! You would think one fuck up was plenty but right down to the fucking dish!! So they gave her a new dish and flan. And that concluded our nightmare dinner.
Proceeding on, I got placed on more medication. Now I am on Topamax. It's a mood stabilizer. I gained more weight in the hospital. =( Oh well, I will get it off. I met a really cool guy named Mark. Him and I had an inside joke with a blanket and boogers on the wall. I know it sounds trival, juvinile,and downright disgusting but it's really hilarious. Well since I bothered to bring these up now I shall explain them since now you have perplexed looks on your faces.
The "boogers on the wall" Saga began when Mark found boogers stuck on the wall in his room's bathroom's wall by the toilet paper dispenser. Some were so old, people painted over them. So this inspired him to compose s limrick about the boogers on the wall. Now, the second thing. The blanket.
This one I am actually reluctant to discuss but I am forcing myself to anyway. When Mark and I were talking outside, I was masturbating, YES YOU READ CORRECTLY MASTURBATING, under the blanket. Mind you, this isn't the embarassing part, it starts to get embrassing when the head RN of the PM shift named Richard comes out for a cigg and saids, "I know what you're doing under there." Busted... is what processed though my sick preverted mind.
Also another guy named Richard has given another name for Bulimia I shall never forget. Not as fancy or such a euphism as Mia. He refers as "Scarf and Barf" quite charming isn't it? It made me crack up. What can I say? I took up smoking in there also, it tends to happen, since 30% of all bipolar patients smoke.
I will never forget the "basketball courts" were Jim and John wanted to fuck me. Not literally but sometimes I wonder otherwise. Speaking of John, he was a crazy ass. He was an ex 'Nam marine. Sccccary shit man. He was always doped up in that place.
Mark and I always hung out in this little table with a couple of ashtrays on a patio facing a basketball court, a lawn, and a fence. Richard the RN refered it as Mark's and mine "Romance Table." Whatever...
Well that concludes the saga for now. I'll probably think for more. Current Mood: awake
|Tuesday, June 10th, 2003|
Well, in 6 minutes "D-Day" is officially here. I haven't really been antipating this day much. Due to the fact I have to goto a COURT! Then it's off to rehab the next day. I am not sure how long i'll be in, but I am still determined to keep the journal up. It might not be on the corresponding day since I will be resuming my entries on paper. I will mark the days though. It will be about my lovely expierence in a rehab. This isn't the first time I have been in a hospital though. This will be my 3rd time, perhaps 3X is a charm?
Yay! I'll finally get to restrict properly since they control when we eat and when we don't so I am looking foward to that. =) God, that just sounded so wrong. Anyway, I am actually going to miss Dan alot since he began really being the boyfriend I first fell in love with now. I am really worried about my friend Romi, he doesn't seem to be doing well. From what he saids, he sounds deathly sick to the point he needs to go to the hospital, but he won't. I wish he would because I don't want him to suffer any longer.
On top of that I am REALLY nervous about tomarrow, I hope I don't get sent to jail. Btw, I didn't follow my restriction plans I had planned the past 3 days. I am such a fat pathetic loser. But I will make it up when I am locked up in rehab. Hell, I might be so depressed when they take me off all my meds, that I won't want to eat and eat NOTHING (wishful thinking!). I promised both my father and Dan i'd contact them and tell them what happened in court. Well, I better resume packing, because I have to get up VERY early, 5:00 AM, Yuck!
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Marcy Playground
|Monday, June 9th, 2003|
Yesterday I spent the night with Dan so I could talk to him and break up with him but he was like a different person after I threatened to just leave him. If he loved me he wouldn't expect all of these ridiculous demands he has placed on me lately. Hopefully after our conversation he'll change. I doubt it considering he was somewhat drunk when we engaged in this conversation. I guess I could always remind him.
The court and rehab count is 2 days and 3 days. I am really nervous about court. I don't really to expect since the last time I got in trouble for was shoplifting when I was 14. The court systems are different. I'll just have to wait and see. Tomarrow at 4:00PM I am going to see Dan again, and we are going to El Chulos. Hopefully I won't have to pay my way this time. =P
Dan wanted to drink last night for old times sake before I went in 'hab and I really didn't feel like drinking due to the fact I had a hang over from the prior evening, he doesn't know that. I just said I had a flu. Anyway, he should leave it alone if I say "no thanks", but he just keep pursuing me and saying, "I don't want to drink alone Lindsay, come on! I poured that for you." Well, sorry but if I don't want it, I don't want it so it's his own fucking fault. He is so selfish, I could of been dying with Malaria and he would still force me to go out to church.
I could be the biggest bitch of the west to compell him to break up with me. But then again I would be adding to his ego of "oh that takes care of that bitch."
Anyway I am on a new diet, I am going to post what will be eaten today.
Breakfast: 2 cups of cherrios, and 1 cup of skim milk 310 0gms
Snack: 1 club cracker 20 1 gm
Lunch: 1 cup of yogurt 100 0gms
Dinner: Lean Cuisine 250 4.5gms
Daily total: 680 calories and 5.5 gms of fat Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: Man in the black coat
|Sunday, June 8th, 2003|
I decided to add another entry since I had more on my mind. Tonight I went on a Harley run with my Mom's b/f, my Mom and his friends. I can't believe I fucked Eddie. *sigh* What is wrong with my disgusting ass?! Anyway I decided I am only going to eat 600 calories tomarrow. I have to goto church tomarrow or today I suppose with Dan. He and I were suppost to break up, funny thing, we never did.
We ended up having sex in my room. God... And I just fucked Eddie the prior night. I am so awful. WHORE!
Here is a list of what I am going to eat tomarrow, yay!
Breakfast: 1 cup of Special K with 1/2 cup of skim milk 155 calories 0gms
Lunch: pasta and sauce 230 7gms
Dinner: Hot pocket and chips 355 7gm
Calories: 655 14 gms fat Sounds like a plan!
I probably won't get to exercise tomarrow cuz Dan will be with me but oh well, i'll just eat less tomarrow and exercise my butt off, I have to put that Tredmill Gill has to use ;) Current Mood: awakeCurrent Music: Joan Osborne
|Saturday, June 7th, 2003|
I just broke it to my boyfriend I wanted to be just friends. He just insisted we "talk it out." It didn't really alter my opinion though. Anyway, I was so naughty last night. I am not suppost to drink or do drugs because I got into trouble for my DUI, but last night I drank alot. Anyway, I was outside and I started to talk to Eddie (Gill's nephew) and I thought he was hot. I really wanted to get with him and he knew it too cuz he was flirting back.
Anyway, mind you, I have a boyfriend. God... Well, we had some drinks together and a ciggarette and we decided to get it on. So I met him in this spare room in my house and we started making out and stuff. We didn't take all our clothes off in case we got caught by someone. We were doing it and then we decided to go "on a walk" because we didn't want to get caught because my Mom really hates Eddie and that would not be good.
So I got another beer and met him outside and we met behind my house and finished there. I felt really naughty. I know it's bad to cheat but I also had some alcohal in me too so I wasn't really thinking straight. My mom started yelling at me when I went back in the house and she was like, "Where have you been???" And then she said she thought I fucked Eddie or something and I denied it because I didn't want to get Eddie in trouble with his uncle and my mom. And I got away with it, and so did he. I am a good liar and I am not proud of that.
It's just I am a sex addict and I didn't want to give up the offer. I know it's terrible but oh well, i'll never do it again! *sigh* I'll probably do it again. I goto rehab in 5 days and court in 4 for my verdict for my DUI I am really scared. Oh well, i'll be okay. Current Mood: hornyCurrent Music: Xzibit
|Saturday, May 31st, 2003|
I had my insurance assesment today to get into rehab. Apparently it's very serious and they want me in a duel diagnoises facility. Considering I have mental issues along with 'chemical dependency' I guess they call 'dirty addicts' now. It's just a euphimism for us in the professional medical world. But I am just thankful I can get the help I need now. I am going to OC this weekend to goto Dan's sister's graduation. I graduate in like another month. I went out again with Dusty and Chris this time in his car and smoked some weed.
I wrote Matt a letter before I went to bed last night, but I am not sure I want to send it to him now since it has alot of pathetically negative shit in it. I don't want to depress him more. He really fucked with me though when we went out. He just had wonderful ways to play with my mind. I will never be the same again. I used to never use drugs as much as I feel I need to presently, I get more depressed easier, and my suicidal ideations are returning. I didn't care to mention those considering they would probably send me to a psych ward before my treatment. That's what happened to this girl I met when I was in the hospital for the first time for a suicide attempt 2 years ago. November must be a cursed month for me, because I went around the same time I did in '02 when I went for the first time in '01.
I will get to go away for a couple of days in OC, i'll be returning on Tuesday, because I have things to do regarding going to the DMV to get an ID card since I don't have my liciense anymore, and I have to talk to SSI people so I can possibly get disability money every month from the federal govt. Why not? I paid SS for people who really need it, and now I am in a time of need. I used to work alot until I just wasn't the same anymore. I could work my ass off before, but now it's impossible. It makes me really sad because I used to thrive being the "worker bee" and just work constantly for money.
I don't know when I will enter rehab, it's over my head currently. They could call me on Monday and say, "Lindsay has to goto rehab by Wed." It's kinda like that I guess. I just hope I won't have to come home earlier so I don't disturb Dan's trip to his parent's house. But I can't help what happens if it does. Current Mood: highCurrent Music: Splender- Yeah whatever
|Friday, May 30th, 2003|
|The point of no return
These past couple of days have put me in despair. With my drug/booze habit, I feel as if I have reached the "point of no return." I have no job, no car, and no self respect. I am absolutely worthless now. I am just glad I don't have to worry about getting to school for the entire summer. I'll be in rehab at the end of June. I won't have to really worry about going many places for a couple of months. The accident was really trumatic to me. I haven't really been taking any of my medication consistantly for a couple of days, due to the fact I hate how tired it makes me. Seroquel sucks, don't get on it. That and Paxil!! Ughh...
I thought about writing Matt another letter since he is still in the states. Maybe he just came back? I don't know for sure if he lied or not. I guess I shouldn't really care. I thought about after I get out of rehab getting another job to pay off my DUI fines. I sure owe alot of money. At least $2,000 for sure. And I have to attend NA and alchohal classes. Sounds like the cool thing to do on your Saturday nights doesn't it? Lately I just have felt like crying. Hopefully I can get SSI so I won't have to get a job or work as hard as I would have to to make my fine money. I hung out with Dusty tonight. We smoked a couple of bowls and played some cards and went to Del Taco for some cheap food.
We found some Mexican dude's phone in the restaurant. We started making phone calls to everyone we could think of. I called my friend in Ohio, my Mom to check in since I left my phone at his house, and that's all. Dusty called our friend Hillary away at college, Lisa in AZ, and I think that's it. It was hella funny. For a moment it made me forget all the shit and made me smile the first in several days. At least I could say I don't really have any responsibilities to live up to besides remembering to water our plants and cleaning up the house for Gill and my Mom.
I am still fat. What else is bloody new?! Oh well, it's not really a good time to diet or anything. Too much stress. I'll lose it if I start this retail graveyard job at Target. My shift would be 10pm-7AM 5X a week. Making 40 hours a week to pay off my lovely debt to society! yay! Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Marcy Playground
|Tuesday, May 27th, 2003|
Miracles do happen to fat people
Well I gained some of the weight back that I lost but, that is the least of my worries. Last week I got a DUI and my BAC was really high. It was .2 OMG! I just thank God no one was hurt. I guess with the mixture of alchohal and Xanex it made me pass out at the wheel and I got into a really bad accident. Stupid me! *hits head* DOH! I have court June 11. I am going to rehab also after June 23. But the positive things to look at are, I am not dead, and the people I hit are not dead.
Also, I missed my Math final because I was in jail but my professor called and told me due to the cirrcumstances, she'd drop the final and just gave me the B I had before I took the final. That was so awesome. And also, if you didn't know, I went to homeschool for high school. I graduated today. I turned in my last 2 units to graduate. Also, you needed to complete like 10 hours of community service. Which wasn't bad at all.
Now since all the choas has passed, I am going to resume restricting. I am glad I am not going to an ED hospital or I would cry, I could b/p and not get in trouble. Also I could restrict and just say I am not hungry cause of my withdrawls. =) Perhaps this won't be too bad after all. Anyway, I owe alot of money though, maybe like 4,000$. I hope not that much but we'll have to see.
|Thursday, May 15th, 2003|
I didn't feel like going to class today. That's my apathetic personality for you. I decided I needed some sleep, so I slept in. Because of this, my Mother got extreamely pissy over it, and gave me the usual hell and just complained and nagged for about 30 minutes. Oh well, I am used to it. I am learning on how to ignore it and just hum "LALALA...Dum De Dum" in my head. Whatever works....
Today I b/p again. Oh well, my weakness was candy. The majority of my binge consisted of candy. But then I went to the bathroom and purged it all out. Then I purged some more and went to the gym and burned 1,000 calories. Oh well, my goal tomarrow is not to binge and to eat under 1,000 calories. Also I want to go back to the gym and burn as much as I did tonight. On my way to the gym, I ran into some really horrid traffic on the I-5 to goto the gym. Apparently there was an accident. Uggh.. a BAD accident, so of course there was alot of traffic. I ran into these really rude black people, honking at me for no reason. I tried to let them on the freeway, but they just remained in the shoulder of the freeway like a fucking moron.
So I became impatient with thier mental imcompatence(they appeared to be mentally impared), I just sped up to fill the gap I so consideratly left for them. Then what do I get when I try to exit off the freeway before them? I get honked at once again. So when I went back on the freeway, I just gave them the bird and drove on, what a bunch of fucking morons. People like that should be put to sleep!! Thank god I am getting out of my house this weekend. I am going to my favorite place, Orange Country with my boyfriend Dan to his parent's house. =) I really love it out there. It's so nice. I have finals coming up in school, which I am happy for due to the fact it indicates the conclusion of the semester. Yay! I am free for the summer.
My Mom certainly had a cow when she found out I am taking the summer off from school. What? I need the break. I am tired of school, I want to get away for a semester. Oh well, such as life. Matt lied to me =P He didn't move to Canada. *sigh* whatever, I just went though grief for nothing, I wish he would just tell me to "piss off" rather than make up idiotic lies. Current Mood: melancholy
|Tuesday, May 13th, 2003|
|Reminiscing with razorblades
My Mother and I had a talk. It made me feel like shit because I am a horrible person, and it's true. I just take, take, and take and don't give anything back to people. After our talk I went to my room and punished myself with my good ole exacto-knife. I actually confessed to Dan before I actually saw him that I cut myself. Amazing... Well, with Rob I managed to smoke coke, meth, and weed all in the same fucking day. Wouldn't my mom be proud?
Oh well, at least I am losing my fat ass. I went from 212 to 203.5 in like 1 1/2 weeks, amazing. I am still eating, hmmpphh... *groan* but I am exercising my ass off. I burned 1,000 calories at the gym today. Boooya! Anyway, when I went to Riverside for my 18th b-day I ate a whole bunch of food and candy, but I purged of course. I wish I would just eat 800 calories a day but nooo..... I have been eating like 1,200 *gasp* I know it's horrific isn't it? Ana would be ashammed of me. I could always try and eat less than 1,000 tomarrow. =D Now I have made a new goal for myself. Happy happy joy joy....
I have an appointment with my Mom tomarrow with these people who give me money each month cuz I have issues. I have to "update" with them so I can still be recieving the money I have been getting since I was like 2. Since I am 18, that $270.00 each month is mine now. hooray! I'll probably spend it on drugs watch. I am so pathetic. Tomarrow 1,000 cals or less preferably, and another 1,000 cals burned off at the gym. Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: Radiohead
|Sunday, May 11th, 2003|
Well, my 18th birthday was yesterday! Yay.... I am finally legal. *shrug* Anyway, I am starting to lose some weight, I have already lost like 5 lbs. However, I blew it today!!! Tomarrow it's back to the diet and gym. I make myself sick sometimes. At least I had a nice birthday though, and I got some clothes out of it. I haven't written in my journal for a while. I suppose it's due to the fact that I have been feeling apathetic this past week. I have been thinking about Matt alot lately. I really miss him. =(
I know that I have Dan and everything but, it's still hard to not think about Matt anymore because I really truly loved him very much. But 'Cest la vie' as they all say. What a fucking bullshit cliche. I suppose it has some valid point though. Finals are soon, I am really anticipating summer! I've really pushed myself this week, I have made myself goto the gym EVERYDAY M-F burning at least 800 cals everytime I went. The max was like 1,000.
Also, since I ate so much today, I purged because I felt guilty for eatting what I did, so I had to "repent" per se to Ana and Mia. tomarrow, I really don't feel like doing much but doing the rest of my work, studying a little for finals, and relaxing because I have school Monday morning, and also I have to work on this presentation with Richard and other people in my group.
I can't wait until I get that out of the way so I can just relax and worry about finals. Since I am 18 now, I hope I get enough money from relatives to get my tattoo that costs $100.00 because I am broke until I get that check in the mail sometime next month. it's for $500.00, that will be really nice. At least i'll have a job by the time school gets out so i'll have tons of free time to work and get my account back up so I won't be so poor and depending on other sources for money. I really hate doing that, it makes me feel like more of a loser than I already am. Current Mood: contentCurrent Music: Radiohead