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Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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5:55 pm - *shrugs*
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1. Go into your LJ's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest)
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
So, I am going to stop talking about what i'm feeling for the time being, until i can get my life in better order....and my mood today is weird....i can't describe it...and its raining....ahh, fresh air....i love the smell of the air after a rain shower...smells like watermelons....oh, and after a lawn has been mowed....gtg...toodles...posted on may 15, 2003 "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!!"
I don't know. But, it makes you think.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
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9:44 pm - I am slightly pissed off at everyone.
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Ok, so, I want to take anti-depressants, and, I really don't want to see a councellor. Why? BECAUSE I HATE THEM. I honestly hate all councellors and psychologists. Simply because they praise themselves at knowing "soo much about the human emotion", that, it sickens me.
I know what you're going to say, so, shut the fuck up right now. This is how I feel about them, and, if you don't like it, go suck some cock, like the rest of the stupid sluts in the world.
I'm really tired of living like this. Why I have to live in near poverty, is beyond me.
Everyday, that poor get poorer, and the rich get richer. And yet, their are no more middle men/women left in the world.
It stinks.
Ok, you know what, I am so pissed off at everyone, including you reading this, that, I'm about to scream out in pain, and laughter.
Not to mention, say "GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"
There. My work here, is DONE.
~Sammi
current mood:  pissed off
current music: *sigh* oivey.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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2:30 pm - Is life passing me by?
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Its looking that there is a growing trend in the majority of people who just, give up. Then they use their lives as an excuse for giving up. Like, its the only reason in the world to give up. Well, its not a reason, nor are your emotions, or habits.
Consider this. An 18 year old boy, deaf, with downs syndrome, has what to offer to life? Well, you'd say nothing, because, his life is almost shit. But did you ever consider that that boy is alive today, to teach us a lesson? That your life isn't hell. This boy has to suffer, but, does he give up? No. Because in his heart of hearts, he knows what life is about. He knows more than you or I do. He knows. And because he knows, he is still alive. He knows he's not a burden on society, because he is teaching us lessons everyday. And everyday, he doesn't give up just because he's different, or because he's not intelligent enough, or handsome enough. He knows.
So, shut up, and listen. You're life is FAR better than that 18 year old boys'. It is. You're lucky. You can understand what I'm talking about, and can read each letter of each word, and put them into a cohesive sentence structure. But that boy is lucky enough if he can understand what a dog is. He's lucky enough to be able to read a simple sentence. Even a simple word.
Just be greatful that you have what you have. Your life is not shit. You're exceptionally lucky for what you have. So quit complaining, because you think that somehow, the world owes you everything. In reality, you owe the world everything. So start now, and pay some of that back.
Another trend is where people put up barriers, because they've seemed to have had a trend in their life, where everything went wrong. Where everything was horrible. So they put up barriers to keep out everything that they would think is evil. Well, guess what, that barrier, not only keeps the evil out, but will never let anything good in. So in reality, you're not protecting yourself from evil, your closing yourself off from the world.
For these people, I have these few choice words. YOU ARE EXCEPTIONALLY STUPID! You are. Yeah, the truth hurts, but if it didn't, everyone would be self centered, and insecure.
Yeah, you can say "Fuck you, bitch." But guess what, you know its true, and, by calling me something, utterly pathetic, and making up excuses, just proves how dumb you really are.
So if you want things in your life to change, you have to change. And don't give me fucking bullshit on how you don't feel like it now. You're just too stupid, and too lazy to do anything. GET IT INTO YOUR FUCKING MINDS!!! Life doesn't fall into your lap. You just happened to fall into the worlds lap, and at some point, everyone expects you to change for yourself. So do it now, or you're going to live your life in a hell, but it will never be worse than that 18 year old's life.
Why am I being a bitch? Because someone needs to at some point in this pathetic existence, and I just happen to be that one person.
So quit giving up. Quit putting up barriers, thinking this will protect you.
IT WON'T! CLUE IN JACKASS!
Life doesn't fall for you. So get up, off your ass, and quit complaining about your problems, because there are more people in this world who are far worse off than you.
~Sammi
current mood: FUCKING ANGRY AT IDIOTS
current music: Loosen Your Hold - South
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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10:00 pm - mblah
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| Layer.one | | Name: | Sammi | | Birthdate: | February 28, 1986 | | Birthplace: | Peace River, Alberta | | Current location: | Calgary | | Eyes: | Green, and oh so gorgeous! lol | | Hair: | Brown/black/red/blonde/purple/orange. whatever works for me. lol | | Height: | 5'7" | | Righty or Lefty: | Righty, trying to do stuff with my left hand. | | Zodiac Sign: | Pisces | | Layer.two | | Your heritage: | some german/scottish/british/american (i know, sucks, eh?) And, most of all, CANADIAN! lol. | | Your weakness: | Myself. | | Your shoes you wore today: | I didn't bother wearing shoes today. But I did wear socks! ROXORS YOUR SOXORS! | | Your fears: | Myself. Being alone. Sometimes death. Most of the time, life scares me alot. Not being able to share my love with someone special. | | Your perfect pizza: | PINAPPLE AND HAM!!!!! | | Goal you'd like to achieve: | Travel the world with my new career in Massage Therapy. | | Layer.three | | Your thoughts first waking up: | "Fuck the sun *grumble*" Then go back to sleep for about another hour or so. | | Your best physical feature: | MY EYES!!! EMPHASIS ON THE EYES!!! | | Your bedtime: | Uhm, used to be about 4-7am, but, yeah, that doesn't work for school, so, maybe between 8-12, depends on how tired I am. | | Your most missed memory: | EW. No. | | Layer.four | | Pepsi or Coke: | PEPSI. COKE SUCKS FUCKERS! HAHAHAHAH | | McDonald's or Burger King: | GROSS. Processed fat is nasty! You're all idiots for helping to franchise these bastards. | | Single or group dates: | EW. Neither. | | Adidas or Nike: | Sandals. | | Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: | Whats the difference? Its both crap. Lemonade. | | Chocolate or vanilla: | Vanilla BEAN | | Cappuccino or coffee: | nasty | | Layer.five | | Smoke: | That is just sick to do that to your body. Again. IDIOTS! | | Cuss: | ...........need i say more? | | Sing: | When no one can hear me. Yes. | | Take showers daily: | I will castrate anyone that takes a shower daily!!!! I am a hippy. | | Have a crush: | Many. Don't ask. | | Think you've been in love: | Yeah, but I got turned down, now, I don't give a fuck, because love sucks, and you just end up hurt. | | Want to go college: | I am going to college next year. | | Want to get married: | Not likely. I'm not the type for that bullshit. | | Believe in yourself: | NO. | | Get motion sickness: | NEVER! | | Think you're attractive: | If I lost a few hundred, yeah. | | Think you're a health freak: | ........mmm....ask me that when i'm healthy | | Get along with your parents: | Not really. I'm cynical, and a bitch to them most of the time. I resent them for not having an abortion. ahem | | Like thunderstorms: | FUCK YES! I'm always outside in one. | | Play an instrument: | Three. Clarinet (haha, funny guys) Bass Clarinet, and Bass Sax | | Layer.six - in the past months | | Gone to the mall: | yes. | | Eaten an entire box of Oreos: | GROSS NASTY SHIT THEM ARE!!! | | Eaten sushi: | Want to | | Been on stage: | Yes. Horrible. | | Gone skating: | Not anymore. I hate ice. I hate wheels any smaller than a bike tire. | | Made homemade cookies: | YES | | Gone skinny dipping: | no...too many rolls of fat for "skinny" dipping. lol | | Dyed your hair: | plenty. | | Stolen anything: | plenty. but, i leanred. not really. | | Label.seven - ever.. | | Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: | You're insane if you do that to your body. | | Been called a tease: | I don't know. | | Got beaten up: | No. But if someone tried, I'd sit on them. | | Layer.eight | | Age you hoped to be married: | EW. No marriage. Its bogus. | | Number and name of children: | ........I dispise my own children. Adopt. | | Dream wedding: | *rolls eyes* | | How do you want to die: | Suicide after murdering all the morons in the world. | | Where do you want to attend college: | Mount Royal College here in Calgary. | | Dream job: | Queen of the Universe. | | Country you want to visit: | Africa/Australia/New Zealand/Japan/China/Korea/Russia/Germany/England/Ireland/Scotland/just about every country in the world. What, like, 180? lol | | Layer.nine - In a guy/girl... | | Best eye color: | guy - uhm. black. yes...black. girl - purple | | Best hair color: | Whatever works. | | Short or long hair: | Doesn't matter, as long as its clean, and, groomed. | | Height: | meh. taller than me, or my height | | Best weight: | doesn't really matter. welll, i lie. not tooo tooo big, you know, maybe my size. as long as someone will love me, i could care less. | | Best clothing: | not punk, no preppy, just, casual | | Best first date location: | Picnic in a park | | Best first kiss location: | Near water, under the stars, and the moon. | | Layer.ten | | Number of drugs taken illegally: | Again, you have to be extremely stupid to do something like that. | | Number of people I could trust with my life: | 2 | | Number of CDs that I own: | about 20-ish | | Number of piercings: | 4 | | Number of tattoos: | getting one as soon as i got a couple hundred, lol | | Number of times my name's been in the news: | once. in a newspaper. i was famous for my halloween decorations. lol | | Number of scars on my body: | too many. inside, and out. | | Number of things in my past that I regret.: | 56892152<< |
Layers brought to you by BZOINK! |
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004
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8:16 pm - I am human, and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.
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Show Me Love
This was an accident
Not the kind were sirens sound
Never even noticed
We're suddenly crumbling
Tell me how you've never felt
Delicate or innocent
Do you still have doubts that
Us having makes any sense
Tell me nothing ever counts
Lashing out or breaking down
Still somebody loses 'cause
There's no way to turn around
Staring at your photograph
Everything now in the past
Never felt so lonely
I wish that you could show me love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til You open the door
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm up off the floor
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til its Inside my pores
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm Screaming for More
Random acts of mindlessness
Commonplaces ocurrences
Chances and surprises
Another state of consciousness
Tell me nothing ever counts
Lashing out or breaking down
Still somebody loses 'cause
There's no way to turn around
You play games, I play tricks
Girls and girls but you're the one
Like the game of pick-up-sticks
Played by f-cking lunatics
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til You open the door
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm up off the floor
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til its Inside my pores
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm Screaming for More
Show me love, Show me love
Give me all that i want
Show me love, Show me love
Give me all that i want
Show me love, Show me love
Give me all that i want
Show me love, Show me love
'Til Im Screaming for More
------------------------------------------------------------------
30 Minutes
Mama, Papa forgive me
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of time to decide
Do we run? Should I hide
For the rest of my life
Can we fly? Do we stay?
We could lose we could fail
In the moment It takes
To make plans, or mistakes
30 minutes, the blink of an eye
30 minutes to alter our lives
30 minutes to make up my mind
30 minutes to finally decide
30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to shoulder the blame
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies
30 minutes to finally decide
Carousels in the sky
That we shape with our eyes
Under shade silhouettes casting
shame crying rain
Can we fly do I stay
We could lose, we could fail
Either way, options change
chances fail, Trains derail.
30 minutes, the blink of an eye
30 minutes to alter our lives
30 minutes to make up my mind
30 minutes to finally decide
30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to shoulder the blame
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies
30 minutes to finally decide
To decide, to decide to decide to decide
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bored.
Crying.
In Pain.
Tired.
Pissed Off.
Aggravated.
Annoyed.
Lonely.
Sad.
Depressed.
Unhappy.
Unloved.
No one sees me.
current mood: aggravated
current music: 30 Minutes - T.A.T.U
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(comment on this)
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8:11 pm - I am human, and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.
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Show Me Love
This was an accident
Not the kind were sirens sound
Never even noticed
We're suddenly crumbling
Tell me how you've never felt
Delicate or innocent
Do you still have doubts that
Us having makes any sense
Tell me nothing ever counts
Lashing out or breaking down
Still somebody loses 'cause
There's no way to turn around
Staring at your photograph
Everything now in the past
Never felt so lonely
I wish that you could show me love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til You open the door
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm up off the floor
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til its Inside my pores
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm Screaming for More
Random acts of mindlessness
Commonplaces ocurrences
Chances and surprises
Another state of consciousness
Tell me nothing ever counts
Lashing out or breaking down
Still somebody loses 'cause
There's no way to turn around
You play games, I play tricks
Girls and girls but you're the one
Like the game of pick-up-sticks
Played by f-cking lunatics
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til You open the door
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm up off the floor
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til its Inside my pores
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
Show Me Love
'Til I'm Screaming for More
Show me love, Show me love
Give me all that i want
Show me love, Show me love
Give me all that i want
Show me love, Show me love
Give me all that i want
Show me love, Show me love
'Til Im Screaming for More
------------------------------------------------------------------
30 Minutes
Mama, Papa forgive me
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of time to decide
Do we run? Should I hide
For the rest of my life
Can we fly? Do we stay?
We could lose we could fail
In the moment It takes
To make plans, or mistakes
30 minutes, the blink of an eye
30 minutes to alter our lives
30 minutes to make up my mind
30 minutes to finally decide
30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to shoulder the blame
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies
30 minutes to finally decide
Carousels in the sky
That we shape with our eyes
Under shade silhouettes casting
shame crying rain
Can we fly do I stay
We could lose, we could fail
Either way, options change
chances fail, Trains derail.
30 minutes, the blink of an eye
30 minutes to alter our lives
30 minutes to make up my mind
30 minutes to finally decide
30 minutes to whisper your name
30 minutes to shoulder the blame
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies
30 minutes to finally decide
To decide, to decide to decide to decide
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 15th, 2004
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12:07 am
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Love is a complicated simple thing. It is a destroyer. A force of the Universe, unstoppable.
Love is a simple complicated thing. It is a creator. A force of the Human Emotion, uncontrollable.
And yet, we love to hate it. lol
Thats, about all I have to say for today. Strange. Very odd indeed....hmm. *Shrugs*
current mood:  weird
current music: Breaking Benjamin - Forever
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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2:57 pm - Good, nice thoughts, gone bad.
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Being alone is not fun. Being alone everyday for your enitre life, now, thats just downright boring.
I had a mental breakdown last night. I am still quite depressed, quite angry, and quite suicidal. Words, and thoughts are not helping me that much. I'd rather see action (such as murder, but, no), than to hear condescending words of "emotion".
A large percentage of my self, wants to be in a relationship. Not for sex, although that would be nice, I want to be in an intellectually, intelligent, compassionate relationship.
I'm not a very patient person, as you have noticed. I don't like waiting, because it just makes me start to hate things. Especially people who are late, or don't show up at all. That pisses me off.
Thats all I want, but for some un-godly reason, I'm not allowed to have a small part of it. What I've ever done wrong to deserve such meniacle circumstances, I will never know. All I know is that, there never seems to ever be something there for me. There just seems to be nothing.
And yet, it always boils down to appearance. Because I'm not pretty enough, or anorexic enough, I'm somehow not worth it. And, deep down, I sincerely agree upon this.
It would be so much easier, and so much less painful if I were skinnier. If somehow, by miracle of miracles, I became thin overnight. Then I would not have to deal with this bullshit any longer.
(side not, it has become harder to put socks on with a gimped ankle....)
So, I don't know what to do. Things are not really turning around for me, and, yeah, being depressed makes things harder, but, when things are already hard, how can you not be? And no condescending words of wisdom, please. Or I will jab your eyeballs with a rusty metal hook, and slowly pull them out, not bothering to cut away the nerves. :)
Later
~Sammi
current mood: aggravated
current music: upyourmuckluck
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 11th, 2004
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8:00 pm - Would you find it in your heart, to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces.
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Ok, so, I spent 3 hours last night, cleaning Dez's room. I swear, that is one of the worst rooms I've ever come across. Even compared to mine!
I've come across a very interesting topic conjured up by a new friend of mine.
Why I'm alive. (Almost typed alice, that would be something to explain. A double life.) lol However......uhm, we won't go into that detail.
I believe I'm alive for no absolute reason. Sincerely. Not even to kill one another. Figure that one out, and you're IQ will go up by at least 5 points. Mine is currently 126, last time I checked. (funny thing the intelligent quotient, and how numbers rule our lives).Now 132. lol
Ok, so, yeah. Nothing really to talk about from my end of the spectrum. Well, my end is, grey, and dark.
That presents an interesting topic. All you ever see is the colors and white on a spectrum, but, for black and grey, you never see it. Its funny, how all the colors get all the attention, and everyone just shuns out the black and grey. Shows just how arrogant society can be. And yet, without the dark, and grey areas, you'd not have color. :)
I think I'm falling for someone, completely unbeknowest (spelling? too lazy to get dic...and to lazy to complete words) to me. I don't know. I don't want to confront this person, for fear of persecution, and, fearfully, rejection. For once, I'd just like someone to confront me, and be the uplifter.
I realize, that, my personality stems from a deeper emotion. An emotion, working as a clutch, to aid in shifting the gears of my eternally damned, and unforgivable life. That emotion, is, the universe itself. As vague as it may sound, it begins to make sense, as the Universe is, and always will be, forever, and seems to change at every millisecond. My personality is just as eternal, and shifting.
Would I give up my present life, for another; better, happier, and with less fear? Of course. In a heartbeat. But for every passing second that my heart beats with that dark, grey matter, I begin to see that, we're not all meant to be one another. But, you can't be yourself forever.
I see now, that, I have an addictive personality. What that means? I obsess over things that, others would just, throw out. It doesn't mean that I do drugs and what not, etc, it means that, I just can't seem to keep my mind off certain topics. The major topic, is, my life, and, if Its really worth the torture on the world for me to be here. I'm not into, like, torture, etc. But, I just can't get my mind out of the thought of why I'm really here. Why I somehow belong in this world. I guess I just can't loosen my hold on the universe.
I think I have changed, as a person, but as an individual, I'm still stuck at a crossroads in my life. I'm having a premature mid-life crisis.
I don't know if anyone really reads this, or not, and, if people do, I'm guessing that they are feeling quite uncomfortable at the moment. Not many people can be this open, especially online. I guess somehow, I not only need to vent, but get out important messages.
DON'T SMOKE!!!
DON'T DO DRUGS!!!
The occasional drink is fine. ALCOHOLISM IS NOT KEWL!!
Hmm. I guess my sexuality is quite a topic. One day, I'm there, and the next, i'm here. Its like I can never decide on one thing. And that is exactly my personality. I get much indecisiveness from, NO ONE. Well, my british/scottish side, but, no one in my family is as indecisive as me. So, to clarify, I am nowhere. And I don't want to be anywhere. Vague? Yes. Uncontrollable? No. I have more control over my sexuality, than my personality, and as long as I have control over one aspect of myself, that is all that really matters. Confusing as hell? Yes. But, think about it.
I'd also like to point out, that, your IQ will have dropped those 5 points if you had not noticed my mathematical error. Find it, and you'll be surprised.
Peace Out Groovalicious Mama's and Papa's
Sammikins~
current mood: fucked-up blahness
current music: Loosen Your Hold - South
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
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12:49 pm
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You belong in the land of darkness, otherwise known
as one of the worlds in which I dwell. All here
is beauty inspired by tragedy and great sorrow.
Write or go through other creative outlets to
express the anguish you may be feeling, and
never let anyone tell you that you are just
being 'weepy' or full of 'teenage angst'(if
you're a teenager.If not, then they really
should be punished for calling you one. They
probably are trying to insult your
maturity...fools.)and always remain yourself,
dark and amazing. Never change.
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
Love. You Truly Desire Love. You long for someone
to hold you and take the pain away. You haven't
been in much relationships or you need to work
on how to handle them. You always seem lost in
a daydream about the person you care about
most.
PLEASE RATE
What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla
I really do desire love. But there is no one for me. :(
Flamberge, smart and deadly. A very complicated
attacking weapon, mainly used for throwing down
horse men or cutting pike heads off. (Please
Vote)
What sword would you use (info and pics on swords as well)
brought to you by Quizilla
This pisses me off. No one ever comments anymore. WHY? Oh, oh, I know! Because people are too goddamn afraid of saying something wrong. GET OVER YOURSELF. If you say something wrong, I will tell you, but stop being such fucking chicken shits. Idiots.
current mood: pissed off
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
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9:14 pm - Nothing can erase what has happened. I just hope to hell everything that will happen, gets erased.
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I'm so angry, I can't express it in words.
I'm also not sure as to the absolute reason why I am angry, all I know is that I am angry.
Depression is settling its rump back into my head. I just can't seem to get a handle on it. Everyone tells me to talk about it, but, for all those years of torture, talking about how I hurt, and why, is, something I can't do.
To a certain extent, My depression just might go away if I just, had someone. You know what I mean? Just, someone.
Everyday that goes by, where nothing happens, just, brings me that much closer to suicide. That much closer to taking my own life for the sake of insanity. To prove that I really am worthless. A deeper part of me doesn't want that, but on the surface, its a different exposure. So much of my life had to be wasted on living in hell. Living everyday in a torture chamber. And now, I live within my own torture chamber, and, I just can't find the key to unlock the chains that bind me to the walls, and the floor.
I feel helpless. Useless somehow. My parents constantly remind me of that part. I sprain my ankle, and, suddenly, the world is about them, because somehow, i'm a fuck up all the time now, and I'll never amount to anything.
My identity as a gay woman has desintegrated (spelling?) to a point that, I still don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be. I'm not so sure if the person writing this, is, actually me.
Alot is on my mind right now, but, all I want to do is, cry. I just want to release it. But I just can't muster up the courage to do so. I only hope, and wish, that, one person will come into my life, and, just, take all the pain away. To let me cry on their shoulder for all eternity. To feel my pain, and suffer through it just as I have.
I don't know what I can do now. I've tried increasing my coping resources, but, they're not there anymore. Its like, it helped to a certain point, but now, nothing.
I just want someone to fucking love me. HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT?! Please, give me a reason why I don't deserve love? huh? TELL ME FOR FUCK SAKES!
Fuck you all. I hate this world, and all of you should just die. We were fucking better off as specks of nothing.
current mood: FUCKING PISSED
current music: fuck you - sammi
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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2:08 pm - To whom I give my love, should forever you be in my heart.
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You are an Elementalist. Your magic stems from the
forces of nature. You might be a forest
nuturing Druid, a storm-creating Weather-Wizard
or any of the many Elementals, but one thing is
sure-- your bond with nature is strong. You can
rely heavily on nature to support yourself
aesthetically or physically for it lends you
both comfort and strength. Your instincts
rarely fail you. You are vibrantly passionate
but are sometimes carried away by your own
emotions.
Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla
That is correct beyond belief.
Ok, so, time to reflect on events past.
Nothing says I hate life more than a quick swift kick in the ass!
So, its almost 2pm. I have not started on anything. I have approximately 3 hours to help my mom finish cleaning up the kitchen, before she goes to bingo, and I drop off my niece, and I go out for a bit. :D
On to reflection. What fun, hey?
I have now found that part of my depression has stemmed from my inability to discern reality, from dream. I seemed to have lived in this, fantasy world, where everything that is Good, and Pure, happens to me. But, that is not the reality.
I have found an inner strength, one to which I have not given much thought. I realize now that, I didn't need Good and Pure things happening to me to become happy, I am Good and Pure, and I now see the ill of my ways.
I still feel alone, however, and, its heartbreaking. One would hope to find that someone, and, it may take time, or it could be tomorrow. However long it takes, I'm not going to search for it. I've finally decided to let it come to me.
I used to be the materialistic, self-centered, spoiled brat I once was (even if I was poor), and, I always thought that, because I was tormented, and mentally mutilated, that somehow, the world owed me attention, to a degree that far surpasses a celebrity caught smoking marajuana.
Its a harsh life, and, until recently, I felt that there was no hope. No real chance for me to say "Ok, here's a lull, so what do I do with the extra time to get my life in order."
My friends have had a tremendous effect on my mentality. Even friends that have passed. I've been taught that, I don't need someone to love me, to be happy (to a certain degree of comfort), all I need is myself. As long as I realize how important I truly am to the world, only then will I become happy.
My whole life has been bent around a tree of family, and friends. Happy days, and love. And, I never realized that that tree, is my life. That if I started to chop each limb off, piece by piece, eventually, that tree will become stark, and cold. Lifeless. I hadn't realized how my depression was becoming a barrier, not only to find myself, but a barrier to keep all the bad things out, but, in the process, acts as a torch to obliterate anything good that came along.
I only hope that I can find my true self. My real place. At this very moment in time, it is a jumble of masses of materialism, self indulgence, anxiety, and sex. Its not a good place to be, but, I believe you need to break from the barrier society places upon you when you are entered into this life, to find what you truly believe in, what will drive you to change the world.
I still long for that touch, or that kiss, that tells me that the world isn't hopeless after all. In a way, I wish for it to come to be soon. Maybe I will find something in the new, and intruiging people I have recently met. Maybe I will find something through a friend. Whatever the case may be, deep down, I long for it, as I have for eternity.
I plan to spend my life, for all eternity, loving everyone that enters into my life. And if there is that one person that wants to spend their life with me, and share eternity, and passion with me, Forever, I will hold them in my heart.
~Sammikins~
current mood:  nerdy
current music: A1 - Take on ME
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2:05 am - HIGHSPEED INTERNET IS THE SHIZNAT!
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Holy Lord,
I have not updated this in..*counts on fingers* 3 months!!! wow.
Ok. So. News. Nothing new, really. We moved, yet again. Back to calgary, THANK JEBUS! <
current mood:  creative
current music: Eiffel 65 - Blue (da ba dee)
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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9:46 pm - jsdhfshdgurwhga
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I haven't updated this mother fucking piece of shit in a mother fucking long time.
Go. To. Hell.
Bye.
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004
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11:11 pm - Don't fuck with me.
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Somethings you can avoid, but then, there are those few that you can't.
I need a break. A break from my life. To get away from my parents, and my friends. They don't talk to me anyways, so what is the point to staying here? I try to talk to them, but, I have become invisible to their eyes.
So, this weekend, I am going to lock myself in my room, and spend two whole days finishing what school work I have left, and Monday morning, I'm giving up this shit.
I'm turning in my computer, and everything that belongs to the school, and I am quitting. I'm not taking this bullshit any longer. I have a future, and my future isn't here. I'll pick up on school later on in the year, but not now. Not when I am feeling at my lowest. Not when I know that I will ultimately fail. I don't want to do that to myself.
So, as you may notice, I am going on a hiatus. A vacation if you will.
Why quit now, and not when I turn 18? Because I'm not going to wait for my life to fall together. Its falling apart now, and I want to keep what pieces of it are left.
Goodbye my friends. I may update in a week or so.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: fuck my pussy
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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11:26 pm - Everything is just between you and me, but you gotta follow my game.
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1) Using band names, spell out your name
Spice Girls
Amanda Marshall
Mandy Moore
Aerosmith
Nickleback
Three Days Grace
Hillary Duff
Avril Lavigne
2) Have you ever had a song written about you?
About me? No. With my name in it? Yes.
3) What song makes you cry?
Mad World - Gary Jules
4) What song makes you happy?
Toxic - Britney Spears
5) What do you like to listen to before bed?
Sad Music Mostly. Rammstein - Sonne (the best)
PT. II
HEIGHT: 5'7".
HAIR COLOR: Natural: Dark Brown Colored: Black/Red
SKIN COLOR: A pinkish tan
EYE COLOR: Green/Grey
PIERCINGS: 4
TATTOOS: TWO MONTHS! or, more. When I get the money. 18 in two months that is.
right now
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: Green Bell Bottoms
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: I Don't Want To Be - Gavin DeGraw (One Tree Hill theme song)
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: Cream Soda Pop aftertaste
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: cold, and darkish? :|
HOW ARE YOU?: FUCKING HORNY!!!
do you
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: Not really. Well, yeah, but, I don't throw up.
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: Biting my nails. Horrible and nasty. Yet i still do it.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: My dad. Somewhat. My mom. Not really.
LIKE TO DRIVE?: Do you need to ask?
favorites
TV SHOW: One Tree Hill, Smallville, Everwood, Simpsons, Queer As Folk (US/Canada version), Undergrads, Mission Hill, Oblongs.
SHAMPOO: Joico Kerapro. Smells so pretty, and cleans my hair nicely.
CONDITIONER: Joico
BOOK: I have way too many favorites. I can't decide.
MAGAZINE: Oprah, Seventeen, People, and, PORN, lol
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: ROOT BEER. Dear lord, I am an addict
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Smirnoff Ice, Mai Tai
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: everyday is like my weekend. So. Nothing.
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: ok, rappers are the grossest things to ever plague this planet. EW. um...singer....god...too many.
have you
BROKEN THE LAW: Can't say that i have.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: Had nowhere to go. More like I ran too home to get away from school.
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: Several times.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: Nope, and don't plan to
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: I don't know. hmm...something to think about.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, what idiot would be that dumb...oh, wait, nvm...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA....never
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: I want to. grrrr
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: Almost everyday, because I hated my teachers, and all of the kids in school.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: once or twice....i think
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: I Hate School Plays. Let It Be Known.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: None of my friends really ever talked to me back in public school, so, no. None of them ever talked to me about things that were bothering them, so, none of them ever had the chance.
love
GIRLFRIEND: It would be nice to have a woman to love.
BOYFRIEND: mmmm.....does a long distance non-love making relationship count? hmm...never had one....boys were gross and idiotic, and never appreciated me.
SEXUALITY: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^You think I'd be straight after being rejected by men? Fuck that. I love only one man in my life, and thats Cam. So, Bi.
CHILDREN: Not having any of my own. I'm adopting. You think i'm going to be a number added to the world population figure? FUCK THAT SHIT.
CURRENT CRUSH: Everyone. Satisfied?
BEEN IN LOVE?: Couple of times. Those were dumb moments.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: No, because they all treated me badly.
BEEN HURT?: Yup. You have no idea.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: Regretting is for those who commit suicide.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: I've never had a date. Ever.
random
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: I wish, sam needs money.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: Nothing, its sitting in my closest, because it died.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: magenta
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: Talking to Cam.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: Pleasing Cam by masterbating on web for him.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: Enrique - 7, Mandy Moore - don't know the title, Nickleback - don't know the title, Ryan Malcolm - Home, and many others.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: Dez, Lindz, Nikki, Chad, Carla, Scott, Sheana, Lottie, Cam
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: :| Do you really want to know?
when / what was the last
TIME YOU CRIED?: Last night
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: a real letter? What the hell is that?
YOU GOT E-MAIL: HAHAHA, this morning. It was my horoscope.
THING YOU PURCHASED: mmmmmm.....a webcam/digicam....hehe...I love it! *hugs camera* so wonderful.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: fuck, that was 4 weeks ago saturday that I last watched any tv....we don't get cable where we live, and my mom is too cheap to use her mastercard to buy satellite.
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: Do not remember.
your thoughts on
ABORTION: Its the woman's decision. If she feels its in her best interest, I will support her.
TEENAGE SMOKING: You'd have to have really dumb parents that would let you get away with smoking. You'd also have to be dumb yourself.
DREAMS: Everyone dreams, but they never really do anything about them. Like Nike says "Just Do It"
LOVE: Is for fools. A honest, caring, compassionate relationship is the key.
current mood:  sore
current music: Rammstein - Sonne
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| Monday, December 29th, 2003
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12:42 am - Tired, and scared to death.
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Someone I don't know, knows where i live. I think the exact location. But i'm not sure for certain. In any case, even with a police officer living across the street, i don't feel safe.
So, i'm scared. REALLY SCARED
i'm going to lie down.
current mood:  scared
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| Saturday, December 27th, 2003
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10:26 pm - The Chronicles of Narnia
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Ok, so, my older-than-child-like imagination has been brought forth to me once again through a magical, and mystical book. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, one of two of the greatest fantasy-fiction writers of all time, along with J.R. Tolkien. I remember reading only "The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe" in grade 5. But now, I have the whole collection in a giant book.
There is something, mysterious, and child-like in books. It brings out a sense in yourself you never thought about. Its a sense you can't describe, but, yet, its there, and it makes itself known in the most intruiging of manners.
I am a book worm. But, I don't read all books. There is one particular book I absolutely will not read. Harry Potter. To me, it seems almost, too innocent. Too, careless. You'll know what I mean if you analyze the series. Yes, the movies are in no way better than the book, but the plot, the story line, gives me a sense. There is no real sense of adventure. No real sense of danger, and excitement. The movies bored me to death. Just the idea of the story line hit me in a wrong way. If it were up to me, i'd burn those books. No, Harry Potter is for a simple mind. But me. No, myself, craves books far beyond my years. Far beyond what the mere human mortal mind can comprehend. I do believe in these worlds, as, there can, and are, worlds far better, and far more mysterious, and wonderful than ours.
There was a time, when the world meant nothing to me. There was a hole. A gap that lead to nowhere. Then, I was introduced to books. At a young age, I could read so well, that, I got tired of childrens books, and longed for something more.
I began reading young adult books. And soon enough, I was reading full length novels. My reading skills were beyond my years, and thats when I discovered so many wonderous, and enchanting books, it was like my mind was glued to all the books of the world.
Today, Horror, Science Fiction, Fantasy, Mystery; All book genres that spark something inside my imagination, that I become entranced by the words, and become almost the characters themselve.
Amongst my favorite, and most sought after authors are Stephen King, C.S. Lewis, J.R. Tolkien, Maeve Binchy, Piers Anthony. Wonderful authors.
As the old generation gives way to the new, more authors become a part of my ever growing list. I am now more open, and more forgiving to the newer generations as I begin to read more books. More ways to endulge my psychy with ever exciting stories, and plots.
Another genre that I have come to appreciate, and understand with more intensity then before, is Romance. Not the really sappy stuff, but, ones filled with excitement, and, provocative plots.
Expanding the mind is easier done, than said. :) Just reading books filled with wonder, and enchantment, can break even the toughest of barriers. That is why I am going to get my message across to the world. Get everyone, of all ages, to read books of all genres. :)
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This is a poem by my friend Lindzey. She is the sweetest person I know. I love her to bits.
Fingertips
the night is warm,
soft music plays
watching you,
im in a daze
kisses full of passion
your lipstick on my lips
holding up a hand to me
i taste you on my fingertips
heartfilled whispers
lustfull moans
girlish giggles
muffled groans
kisses full of passion
lipstick smears our lips
screaming out in exstasy
you start to grind your hips
telling you i love you
our eyes on one another
beautiful gyration
my goddess
my lover
-Lindzey is a lesbian, and a beautiful one at that. I accept her as she is, not for what her sexual orientation is. Like the stars and planets, she is both wonderful, and mysterious. I love her for all that she is, and I celebrate our friendship for always.
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To date, this is just about the longest post. oh well.
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
So, this is another of my lengthy, intellectual, thought provoked posts. I love it. :)
current mood: SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!
current music: toxic - britney spears
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| Friday, December 19th, 2003
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12:09 am - Sometimes you can do nothing but laugh at your mistakes.
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I've been thinking about so many things lately, and, I've come to a crossroads at several of them.
First, is my health. It fluctuates quite a bit, and I can never ever tell when I'm going to feel better.
The second, is my sexuality. I've never really discussed it right out in the open, as, I don't feel there is anything to talk about, but, my mind shares a different view.
Third, is my relationship with my friends. I love them, but, I need new friends.
I have nothing to really talk about this post, because I am going to bed right now.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: Breathe On Me - Britney Spears
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| Saturday, December 6th, 2003
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11:11 pm - There are just never enough stones
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Its interesting how things can just flow. Without the mental blocks, or hurdles.
Its intellectually stimulating when you know that, the thoughts, ideas, actions, etc, contribute to a larger impact on a persons psychy.
You never really know why things impact people the way they do, but somewhere, deep in the heart of your soul, everything just, melds together into one pot. Making it so lucious, and so delicious, that its hard to keep going back, and embracing the lustrious smell.
I can never understand the human mind in its intirety, but I know that its something that cannot be explained. We can try for an eternity, but we will never fully understand the human mind, as it changes so quickly, we never would have known what hit us.
Inspiration
My word for the day.
Inspiration can come from so many different spectrums. One that which is most inspiring, are motion pictures. Movies, persay. So many thoughts, ideas, and actions are portrayed in a film, that its no wonder the human mind has expanded to the furthest nether regions of impossibility.
But with all victory, there is defeat. Movies have desensitized our psychy's, and its a wonder that we can't enjoy Halloween like we once did.
We have trivialized St. Valentines day, for it is now just a fad. An idea, a thought, that is unjustified. No one really gives you a card to say "You're my Valentine". Its just become a hoax.
Society has marketed holidays for their own self gain. For their own pety fortunes. No one really cares. And part is to blame on movies.
Imagination is fine, but do we need to market a life for our own self worth? Do you think that, by telling a story, you're doing good? What about the entities that were in that story. Don't they deserve a little more applause than just the narrator?
All these things amount to a large picture. A picture so vast, and so obscure, no one really does know where it began, or if it will eventually finish.
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What were to happen if the Universe collapsed on itself? Where would it go?
current mood: Inspired
current music: Something More - Ryan Malcolm
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