la la la   
02:27pm 02/05/2003
mood: sick
music: True Life : I'm Adopted
Heh. I'm sorry blurty for ignoring you lately!! I haven't been in the mood to write much lately and ya. But hey - heres some good news!! Two awesome days one after another. Now, me saying that school was awesome is very rare .. so yes, have a heartattack.

»Wednesday«  )

»Thursday«  )

I didn't go to school today, on account of how fuckin sick I am. Well I've got an IM going and I gotta get offline soon to see if I can have Rick come over [im home alone for awhile =D] soo ya. I'll update sometime later. Buhbye.
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guess what?!   
10:36pm 27/04/2003
mood: crappy
music: show on MTV
My entire sleepless day sucked your ass.

But Slim-Fast is fucking awesome!!!!!
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time for teletubbies!   
01:14pm 26/04/2003
mood: okay
music: my cousin is watching teletubbies
LMAO I was just laughing for about 2 minutes straight because my little cousin was watching the movie and I had a flashback of singing it through the halls of school with Shawntay. ahahaha. Tinkie Winkie - Dipsy - La La - Poe!!! OK I'm sorry I have problems. I just really think that song is hilarious.

I don't really have much to say. I get to out today - WOOO. I'm still trying to learn how to play pool even though I suck really bad. I get to spend a few hours with just Rick and then at like 5:30 - 6 we're meeting Kyle. It shall be mucho mucho fun. Heh. Ofcourse it always is when I spend time with my baby and my best friend. It's awesome having them be friends.

Yesterday was pretty hellacious. My mom had me crying a few times, she was crying a few times .. but she proved that she truely is much heartless. I was standing directly in front of her while I had tears coming from my eyes and she didn't care. We fought a few times and by the end of the little arguement I was just telling her straight out "I want to go home."

She brought me home. I lied to my family .. I said I was going to the movies and that I would wait for Kyle to pick me up outside. I then walked down awhile to meet Rick, then we both walked to Kyle's. That time was pretty fucking crazy itself - because Jessica was being an immature bitch. Me and her aren't even speaking right now. Fucking whore. She had the balls to repeat racist comments about black people when Rick was sitting right there next to me. Then she says she's gonna hit him?! Oh god I would've been all over the whore.

So by the end of the night it ends up like this - Rick, Becka, and Kyle are pissed at Jessica while Seth is just on the outside of it all. Oh well. Rick said he would walk me home - =) I was like OK. He had his bike so for awhile we just walked it and then he rode it while I was on the handlebars. Mucho fun.

I had to be home by 10 - I walked in the door at 9:58. AHAHAHA! I'm fucking awesome. Well I guess I'll go get ready and then hope my uncle will give me a ride to meet Rick. Just pray that today is a good day - much better than yesterday was.

who really does care?!
[. becKa .]
12:10am 25/04/2003
mood: hopeful
music: {my baby's voice!!}

I'm currently on the phone w/ my babes.

Don't really know what else to say.

So ..
.. Ya.

Here's a quizzie ..

Borderline:Very High
Dependent:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

damn magic stick   
01:44pm 24/04/2003
mood: loved
music: about to get in the shower
Heh, it's a good song. 'Magic Stick'

Anyways, people .. life is good. Wow, I thought it would be awhile before I would be saying that. But seriously, I've been thinking. I've given up on looking like what everyone thinks is 'hott', I've given up on trying to be one of those people who has 100000 friends, and I've given up on trying to please everyone. That's all just a bunch of shit that I don't need on my shoulders at this point in time.

I have everything that I need right now : a boyfriend who loves me and who I love much in return, 3 best friends who have my back through everything :: Kyle, Seth, Jessica, friends who are just there if I need them, a house to live in, some health .. Ya I'd say I'm doing pretty good right now.

But you know, some people can't realize that. Oh well, I'm glad I have. I'm also glad for the reason that I have started thinking this way. Last night, was mine and Rick's 2 month anniversary. I know some people I tell shit about think he's a dick because all they hear is the bad things that happen. But, what they don't know is how great to me he is. Really. I was crying in his arms last night - it was the sweetest thing I've ever been through.

We had sat down to talk because we were both upset for our own reasons. I had shit on my back all day and I guess I was kind of taking it out on him and Kyle. So, me and him sat down and talked about shit. It was good - we both needed it. I'm not getting into great detail about what we talked about, I'd like to keep it with us .. you know?

Oh well, it was sweet, and I cried in his arms. Well, I have to go get in the shower because me and him are going out together tonight. I'm calling him back at 2 and then I don't know what .. So I guess this is it for awhile. I might update tonight - who knows?!

enoughpeople care
[. becKa .]
o the joy   
03:13pm 23/04/2003
mood: okay
music: nuttin
guess what?!

.. TO ME!! ..
no no noooo   
10:50pm 21/04/2003
mood: sad
music: watching Cheers and my tears

Going 3 hours from here, to visit fucking family for god only knows how long. Until either Friday or Sunday, and I'm hoping for Friday. When I found out that my aunt is picking me up tomorrow at 4 - all I wanted to do was just sit there and cry my eyes out.

I'm going to miss him so much. Almost right after, I called up Rick. O m G - after our talk, I just felt even more like shit. I feel as if I've disapointed him .. again. He's obviously not happy now. God damnit why do I always seem to just fuck everything for him up!!!! God damnit I can't even stand myself anymore. Just hearing his voice after I told him and the things he was saying .. I wanted to end the convo by saying :

"You have a week to yourself - no putting up with me or my shit. Just live it the fuck up and forget there's even a girl out there named Becka who loves you with all her heart and is gonna miss you more than anything. Just have fun, just so that when I actually do get back - you can see how much I ruin things for you and how much better you can do. I know there are people in your life right now who make you so much happier than I do."

He didn't say he loved me when I had to hang up. He tried telling me that I wouldn't miss him. I felt so much like shit when the words "So much for vacation" came out of his mouth. Why am I such a horrible girlfriend to him when he owns my heart?

no one should care
[. becKa .]
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blah blah blah   
12:21pm 21/04/2003
mood: loved
music: some weird hummed song on a commercial
OK, so this morning was actually pretty much a hell of a lot better than last night. Much, much better. Like, when I woke up and got online, I actually smiled. OmG! I smiled!!! AHHHHHH!!! OK sorry lol. It was a good feeling though.

Yesterday me and Rick got into a 'fight' over some stupid shit. That's exactly what it all was : stupid. The whole thing ended quickly with him signing off in my face after saying "fuck this i was only joking now im fucking pissed bye." Erm. Right after that - wowww the tears came pretty fast. Sucks, huh? So I sat there and cried. Coincidently, not too long after, I see Kyle sign on.

I'm thinking .. hmmm. So she IMs me "Rick told me you got into a fight. I heard his version and now I want yours." Great. I just sent her our convo. We had a talk and a fight of our own. It ended pretty OK. I decided I wouldn't wait any longer and wrote Rick a letter. I put everything I thought, felt, and wanted to say. I was hoping Kyle would tell him to check his mail - because he would probably talk to her first.

Well, appearantly he was on earlier this morning and wrote back to me. When I saw I had it, I was pretty scared to open it. Thinking it was some kind of like hate letter. It wasn't. It made me smile a lot - which is a damn good change from yesterday.

I really wanna see him today. Grah, I'm so weak, huh?

Oh well, I've got a few convos going online right now and my nan needs the phone soon so I guess that's all. I also got a new journal at weed web but I haven't worked on it at all yet. Maybe I should get around to that if I have the time today. Wells, that's all.

do some people care?!
[. becKa .]
i fucking hate me   
10:34pm 20/04/2003
mood: crappy
music: i swear to christ i hate me!!!!
god damnit.

i seriously fucking hate myself.

im crying because im such a fuck up.

i mean it.

who would care if i just dropped dead today?

right now?

×. as the tears .×
×. fall a g a i n
×. i sit here n - .×
×. regret ever- .×
×. ive said n e- .×
×. verythin; ive .×
×. to hurt him*
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i love him mucho    
05:50pm 20/04/2003
mood: relaxed
music: MTV's Punk'D
HAPPY 4:20!!!! =)

Ya, ya, I know - I'm such a crackhead. Just leave it to to me to be the one to put that. Anyways, I do still wish everyone a happy easter even tho mine hasnt really been quite that. But, my yesterday was?! So we can just count yesterday as my holiday! =)

OK, so Saturday morning me and Rick had a talk about Friday and shit. For once, I kept my ground and wasn't just like 'i'm sorry, it was all my fault'. I said what I had wanted to say and exactly what I had thought. I did good. By the end, I did wish I had gone to the mall - because he said he missed me, wished I was there, and all that sweet stuff. Which was basically the opposite of everything I thought.

My mom and Paul took me out to eat later that day. It was OK. I got to get my chicken. We had little conversations - and ofcourse these people are so insecure they always have to bring Rick up. After that I got home, and called Rick. He wasn't home [riding his bike] so I'm like OK and call Kyle.

Eventually it ended up being me, Seth, Kyle, Jessica, and Rick all on the phone at once while Jessica and Kyle fought over some stupid shit. OK - fine. After they fight, it ends up being just me him and Kyle. We make plans to go over Kyles like right then. Here's the catch - Jessica is coming too. Why? Because that girl had alcohol!!!!!

So we all got tipsy. Kyle more than us. And while we're tipsy, .. how can you expect us to be innocent? I mean - come on! Me and Rick are just like all cuddly and shit. After a few hours of just meaningless fun, we're all like WOO. So Jessica had to leave at like 9:15 - 9:30 .. frankly at this point I don't even remember.

Kyle had her new little "guy" come over at 9. We all got to meet him - awh. He's OK I guess. Not really my type. I already have my type anyway. [:-)] So, ofcourse they go in Kyle's room to talk and be alone and stuff. Me and Rick have the couch =)

To make some long stories short - indeed Kyle and her friend, Jedd, really did fuck. They weren't really planning on it but Kyle was drunk and just wanted to rape the kid lol. Me and Rick - did not fuck, but I'm gonna give it up later this week. But what I will say is this .. I now have a hickey on my left boob ;x

3 Days til 2 Months. w00t w00t

Today I was laying down for hours in pain, and since I got home so damn late [11:30] last night - I've only been allowed online and not the phone. Bastards. I miss Rick much!!!! Well I guess that's all. I'll just write meaningless babble later.

no one cares anyway =D
[. becKa .]
truth comes out!   
10:09am 19/04/2003
mood: awake
music: {Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask For More}
You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
no ringy ringy for becka   
12:29am 19/04/2003
mood: disappointed
music: the little IM noise going off
So .. tonight I never got a call from him. Can't say I'm not kinda pissed. I am - it's more like disapointed really. I was just really looking forward to spending time with him .. then he acted like he was pissed at me in the morning, then goes to mall without me. It's like .. what did I do this time?!

O well, you know? Later today it's supposed to be me him and Kyle at Kyle's house with alcohol of some sort. But who's to say it'll really happen? - No one. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up, I should learn that lesson by now. Today has been hard. I don't plan on getting more than 3 hours sleep - if that.

I got so bored today, I filled out a survey. Why? Cause I'm a loser.

Long  )

I'm such a cool cat. Let me tell ya. Well right now I'm talking to both Kyle and Anna online. Oh, hey, that reminds me - I have 3-way on my phone and didn't even know it. HAHA. Oh well, that'll make talking to numerous people quite a bit easier now.

You should listen to Edwin McCain's ~ "i'll be" .. I fucking LOVE that song!! It's in my AiM pro .. on my LosTnLoneLy7o9 name. Well, I'm gone.

you dont care anyway
[. becKa .]
08:32pm 18/04/2003
mood: sad
music: {Lucy Woodward - Dumb Girl}
Erg. Today has sucked ass really bad. Why? I can sum it up in about 1 word : alone. That's basically what my day was. I was all excited about today - spending it w/ Rick - going to see a kick ass movie. It took all but maybe 10 minutes for the whole good mood to be gone. Everytime I get excited or my hopes up for something .. it always gets fucked up.

I woke up at 11. When I went back to my comp, Rick had left a message. Me and him talked - all good. Then! I called the movie theaters to check for a time. Erm .. appearantly they aren't playing it. Bastards. So - I'm thinking : 'ok, maybe we'll just do something else'. Ya, right - good job at getting your hopes up again Becka.

I'm sitting around for awhile waiting for my brother to get off the phone. At 3 - when he finally does, I call Rick .. no answer. A half hour later, Kyle calls me. Tells me that Rick's mom brought him to the mall and that he'd be staying there for the night. .. OK, fine. Not my business what he does. One of my first thoughts is 'maybe I should go and see him' .. my second thought is 'maybe he doesn't want me to'

My second thought won. I went to my dad's to get some more clothes [staying at my moms again for the night] and to give him his birthday card. He wasn't there so I left it with my nan. All the time I've been home today I've been alone in some room - listening to some music - at some points just crying because I hate life and how it always fucks people over. It was hard as fuck to eat today. That fact got to me.

So - I'm sad. I have been all day. Can't change that fact. Erm. Pretty disapointed. Oh well, tomorrows another day? And maybe Rick will call me when he gets home - you never know, right? And you know, I don't even know why I took the time to write all this ..

- No one cares anyway.
[. becKa .]
07:47pm 18/04/2003
mood: angry
music: {Cold - Stupid Girl}
This is my first update of my new blurty. I'm only making this so I can play around with the look of it. Today hasn't been the greatest day, but I won't get into detail about it until later. I guess that's all I can really say. Until next time ..

[. becKa .]
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