Blurty for Autumn.

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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

Subject:I'm sprung.. How'd you get me???
Time:5:47 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Music:The Climb by Miley Cyrus.
I WROTE THIS ON 2011-02-07:

In true slut fashion, I’m only updating my Blurty b/c there is a new man in my life. His name is Hutch. Before I get into everything and how crazy it has been, I’ll give you the backstory.

So, it’s no secret that I am on different online dating websites. I don’t go out a lot, so I use them as a tool to meet people that I would have otherwise never come in contact with. On Wednesday, January 26th, I logged on to Plenty of Fish and proceeded to weed through the myriad of random messages from LAME guys that I get every day. Then I came across Hutch’s message. When I opened it, the 1st thing I noticed was that it was more than one sentence.. Lol. Usually all I get is “How you doing cutie?” and “Wanna get to know each other?”. But I read through his message and could tell that he had read my profile.

The 2nd thing I noticed was how attractive I found him. This is a rarity on dating websites b/c most of the pickings (in my opinion) are just not pleasing.. Lol. I went to his profile and noticed that it said he was from Dayton, OH. I thought to myself “Why the hell is this guy messaging me if he lives in Dayton?” but the 1st thing written in his profile is that is family is in Louisville, so he visits frequently. I read the rest of his profile and it mentioned how he was in the Air Force and how he loved dogs. I was liking this guy already. Then I looked at the other pictures attached to his profile and thought to myself “OH SHIT! Are his eyes GREEN???!?” Lol.

On Thursday, January 27th, I was back on Plenty of Fish, and noticed that he was online. I took it upon myself to send him an instant message invitation. We struck up an instant conversation w/ a very comfortable rapport. From one topic to another, we just kept at it. 2 hours into the conversation, I had pieced together his full name and friended him on facebook. I did this for mainly shallow reasons. On Plenty of Fish, the picture quality and resolution are not very good, so even though he appeared to be cute, I wanted to see more pictures. This has been a deal breaker for I can’t tell you how many other guys I’ve talked to online. On PoF, they don’t look so bad, but on FB, it’s a different story. I was PRAYING this wasn’t the case b/c I was really starting to like him at this point. TO MY SURPRISE AND AMAZEMENT, he only became more attractive. He looks A LOT like Jon Jon, w/ hints of Mike Mike in my opinion. And we can’t forget about those eyes.. Lol. Plus, he has so many tattoos. I know that doesn’t do much for a lot of people, but it pretty much rocked my world.

While we were chatting, I saw that we had my cousin Tarica as a mutual friend. I asked him about it and he said that they kinda grew up together. When he found out that Tarica & I were related, he asked the question “Oh, so you’re from Griffytown too then?” STOP THE MUSIC. For those who don’t know, Griffytown is a teeny, tiny, neighborhood in Middletown. I’m talking so small, that the only people that knew about Griffytown were the people that actually lived in Griffytown. At that moment, I knew that we were either related, or that our parents knew each other. I was praying it wasn’t the 1st one. Lol. Long story short (or not as long as it could be), we chatted for 4 hours. I seriously would have stayed on for longer, but I absolutely HAD to go to sleep b/c I had work in the morning. But when I lay in bed, I was still thinking of him. I wished I could have talked to him for longer.

I woke up the next morning (Friday, January 28th) and he was immediately on my mind. I got on my computer and sent him a facebook message, about nothing really.. Lol. Something about our birthdays being near each other. I honestly just didn’t want him to forget about me. I wanted to continue to strike while the proverbial iron was hot.. Lol. To my surprise, he responded practically immediately. We had a mini conversation in the morning before I had to leave for work. After a LONG internal struggle, decided to give him my phone #. This was a BIG DEAL you guys. You have no idea how many guys ask me for my phone number everyday and I flat out decline. I don’t give my # out. PERIOD. But w/ Hutch, not only was I giving him my #, I was the one OFFERING it. He didn’t ask. I wanted him to have it. I wanted him to use it. I wanted him to want it. What a feeling that was…

Thank goodness, he texted me sometime that morning. We kept texting throughout the whole day, and I only liked him more & more as our conversation continued. There was only 1 more step to take: Meeting in person. It’s 1 thing to look good on PoF. It’s something else to have good pix on facebook. It is a COMPLETELY different matter to actually be attractive in person. I liked him so much that I really wanted to meet him in person (no matter how much I like someone over the internet, I NEVER get too attached b4 I see them in person!). He said he would come in town that weekend, but I had dates both Saturday and Sunday night. DRAT! On kinda a long shot, I invited him to brunch at Ramsi’s on Sunday. He accepted. It was the most excited I had felt in a LONG time.

That day on the ride home from work, I called mom to tell her about Hutch. I told her how he knew of Griffytown and she asked the names of any people he may be related to. I was thinking back to the facebook stalking I had done of him and started recounting some names. All of a sudden she said “I know EXACTLY who you’re talking about.” Then she started naming his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. The good thing that came out of all of that is that we WERE NOT related. Lol. Another good thing was that she ended w/ “Well that’s a very good family.” Shit like that is important to me.

I texted him about what I had discovered and invited him to call me so I could tell him about it. Once again, a thinly veiled excuse to get him on the phone. But we ended up talking for over an hour.

Sidebar: Saturday night, I went to dinner & the theater w/ Marcus. It was fun. Very friendly. Very platonic. Very Marcus.. Lol
On Sunday, January 30th, I literally woke up at 6am and could not go back to sleep b/c of excitement. I just had such high hopes, and shaky nerves! What if I didn’t think he was cute in person? What if we only had chemistry over the computer/phone? We both arrived at Ramsi’s at the same time, but he called to see where I was. Then he said “Oh, I see you.” I looked down the street and saw him walking towards me. “PLEASE BE CUTE, PLEASE BE CUTE” I chanted. Lol. OMG his eyes.. Lol. And his face in general. And his height. He looked even better in person than in the pix on facebook. He also looked A LOT more like Jon Jon in person. It was kinda amazing. Now that I was officially smitten, let the date begin.

Brunch was great. Great chemistry. Picked up right where we left off on the phone. Once again, I know I’m a slut, but ever since I talked to him on the phone, I had dreams of kissing him. I had this one particular fantasy involving the riverfront. So 2 hours into brunch, I randomly brought up the riverfront. I don’t know how I did it, but I just wanted to put the idea out there. He took the bait and suggested that we should go to the riverfront! “WHY SURE, WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!” lol..

We rode in his car to the riverfront and sat & talked for a while. Then we got out and went for a stroll. This is when the typical date jitters start to arise. “Does he think I’m pretty, is he brushing up against my arm on purpose, does he want to hold my hand..” All that stupid shit.. Lol. But as we were walking, there was one point where our shoulders were unnecessarily touching. It’s like, he would have to make an effort to stay that close to me if he wanted to keep touching. I kept my body there to see if he would move away, but he didn’t. Jackpot. He took his hand out of his pocket at one point, and I grabbed it. I would have loved if he took my hand, but you know guys & their restraint & shit.. Lol. The point is, I knew he wanted to hold it, and we walked the rest of the time talking & holding hands.

When we got back to the Highlands, he parked his car right next to mine, and we sat in it and talked for a long time. It was 2:30pm and my other date wasn’t until 6pm, but I REALLY had to go to the bathroom, so I said I should leave. Lol. But my desire to stay was so strong that I suggested we go to Dairy Queen. I could use the bathroom AND I could get ice cream. 2 birds w/ 1 stone for the WIN! So on the way there & back, we held hands. That was old news by then; something like 2nd nature.

We got back in his car and continued to talk and listen to music. Sidebar: We saw DL Hughley walking to his car in the bank parking lot, 2 cars over. It was kinda awesome. He looks really old in person, in my opinion. We were approaching 4pm, and I really did have to get going. NNNOOOO!! We were holding hands in the car, talking, and I said “Fuck it”. I leaned across the seat and went in for the kiss. WOW. I don’t know how to describe it but to say that there was just so much desire. Like, the kiss was so slow & deliberate, but so forceful & strong & soft & playful. He put his hand on my face and I literally stopped breathing. It lasted for about a minute, and after it was over, I put my head on his chest. He kissed my forehead. We didn’t say anything for a long while. We just sat there listening to music, thinking the same thing I’m sure “Is this REALLY happening?! Is it really this easy??” We sat and talked for a couple more minutes, then kissed again. During that kiss, Keisha Cole’s “Love” was playing. If that kiss had been anything less than spectacular, I would have interrupted it and demanded a song change. But I didn’t pull away. I just drowned her out w/ the squeals of glee in my head.

So, at 4:45pm, I really had to leave. I told Hutch about my date and we both had a hearty laugh. This guy didn’t even stand a chance. To be honest, I didn’t see it going anywhere anyway, but I was bored and he seemed nice. I kissed Hutch goodbye and told him I’d call him after my date. When I got to the restaurant, I didn’t see the guy waiting inside. I sat there for 20 mins, and then darted out of there as fast as I could. I suspect he was waiting in his car, or had already gotten a table, but I didn’t care. At that point, it was just a pity date anyways…

When I got home for the evening, I checked my facebook. Hutch had updated his status to “Ooooo shyt... Love at first site! Awwww damn I'm in trouble mama! Lmfbo!!!! Hahaha” (PLEASE excuse the misspellings and bad grammar. It’s appalling, I know). Turns out, he wrote that 20 mins into our date, while we were still at brunch.

This could be it. (As I’ve said a MILLION times before). Lol.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Subject:8 reasons why last week was epic/awesome
Time:2:39 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:End of the Line by Christi Mac.
I paid off my credit card.
One of my 1st goals for working at Netflix was to pay off my credit card before the end of the year. Every time I got a Netflix paycheck, I would put the whole thing on my credit card. Last week, I got my balance down to $375. While I was on MINT, I realized that I had that much and then some in my Savings Account. Light bulb. Why pay interest on my credit card when I could take money out of my savings to pay it off? That’s what I did. And now I get to keep every Netflix check that I get. AWESOME.

Reconciliation w/ Chester
On Thanksgiving, I got a text from Chester that said “Happy Thanksgiving Autumn”. This pissed me off b/c if we’re never supposed to talk again, why was he sending me these rinky dink texts? That led to me texting him telling him to leave me alone (I had already deleted his number from my phone and de-friended him from facebook). That led to him wondering why I was so angry. I was absolutely dumbfounded. Why am I angry?!?!?! Umm, maybe it’s b/c you BANISHED me from your life! But he invited me over to his house the next day to talk. So we talked. Long story short, when he said “I can’t talk to you ever again” what he really meant was “I’m not at the place in my life where I can put my all into a relationship b/c I need to work on myself first. Can we just be friends for now?” Ain’t that some shit? WHY DIDN’T HE JUST SAY THAT IN THE 1ST PLACE?!?! I knew he was being over-dramatic. At the end of the convo, he still didn’t tell me what specifically was going on, but I’m not trippin. We’re cool now.

Harry Potter 7 w/ Albert
IT WAS AWESOME. HP6 was such a disappointment that I didn’t really have high hopes for this one. But it was amazing. Action, romance, drama. It even made me cry. Plus, you can’t go wrong having Albert as company. Afterwards we went to Qdoba and had a good talk. Overall fun time.

Modeling Job
Sometime over a month ago I auditioned for a runway show at my agency. I thought I did really well, and the client seemed to like me, but I never heard anything so I assumed I didn’t get the job. So last week my agent called and told me I got the job!!!! AND it’s a paid gig! I’m so excited. He said that 16 girls from my agency got the job. And seeing as I’m sure they saw well over 50 girls that day, I kinda feel awesome about myself.

Dinner w/ Peachy
To celebrate the aforementioned modeling job, Peachy took me to J. Alexander’s on Saturday night. Both Albert and Amber drilled it into my head that I had to get the Steak Maui, so I did. It was good and all, but I could have been just as satisfied w/ a club sandwich for $11. But at least I tried it, so that was good. While me and Peachy were talking, he was telling me about this girl that he’s talking to that went into this self disparaging rant about how she doesn’t feel good enough for him (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!) b/c she can’t compete w/ the other girls he hangs with. She said something along the lines of “I see you on fb w/ pictures of pretty light skinned girls w/ glasses who have all these degrees and I can’t live up to that…” And I’m thinking, “Is this bitch talking about ME?!?!” It was HILARIOUS. He said he didn’t realize she was referring to me either until a couple of days ago. We had a hearty laugh about that.

Groupon had a ½ off coupon for a Cookie Cake from Great American Cookie Company
That’s pretty much self-explanatory. I love me some cookie cake!

Black Friday Shenanigans
Thanksgiving night, Ham & I packed up and headed to Sear’s around 9pm to get in line for a washer and dryer that gramama wanted. We were 4th in line behind these really nice old white guys. It was raining/snowing but that didn’t bother us b/c we were under the Sear’s awning. I can’t say the same for all those idiots that were standing in line at Old Navy. OLD NAVY of all places!! There’s no way I would stand in line for 3 hours in the snow for some jeans. I literally can’t fathom what they were all thinking. As much as I’d like to say that me and Amber had 7 joyous hours of sitting and bonding outside of Sear’s, that is not the case. Around midnight, I was overcome by my frozen feet and bailed. I surrendered to old man winter and went home. I felt so bad for leaving Amber, but I knew she would be ok. She met this really nice lady in line, and they had become instant bgfs. PLUS, Amber called me at 3am to say that she had gotten the ticket for the washer/dryer, so the mission was a success. Next year I’ll just remember to wear more pairs of socks.

The reunion of/the DEATH of The CORE
It’s official. The CORE is dead. Last week, Ashlee and I made plans to go to brunch on Sunday afternoon. Seeing as it was a holiday weekend and WJ might be in town, I took a long shot and invited her. This bitch ACTUALLY accepted!! If 3 of us were going to be together, I couldn’t stop myself from inviting Janelle. Neither Ashlee nor WJ really required her presence, but I couldn’t pass it up. A chance for the whole CORE to be together. That hadn’t happened in literally YEARS. So, everyone confirmed, and EVERYONE showed. I didn’t really have any particular high hopes; I just wanted it to be like it always is. We don’t see each other for years, but then we get back together and pick right back up. Well, that’s how it was with 3 of us. Janelle just sat in the corner the whole time and didn’t say a word. We would try to make eye contact and draw her into the convo, but she just refused. She didn’t eat. She didn’t talk. She just sat. And made a wincing face. But of course after we all left, she took to twitter hollering about “somebody save me” and “just put the period in our friendship”. That’s how I knew it was over. B/c I didn’t even care enough to try to convince her to come back. We didn’t deserve that. If she was just gonna sit and stare at us like that, why did she even come? I’m done trying to force her to be my friend. I mean, me and WJ haven’t talked in literally a year, but when we got together did we make a big deal about what ‘friendship’ means to us and hash out how we never talk? NO. We hugged and got down to business filling each other in on our lives, and were as happy and close as ever doing it. That just goes to show that we and Janelle really do have a different opinion of what friendship means. And that’s ok, just unfortunate. Later that day, the 3 of us officially decided to let The CORE go. We chopped off Janelle’s symbolic ‘E’ and shook thinks up a little. Now we’re The ROC (thanks to WJ. She suggested it since we’re solid in our friendship no matter what we go through or how often we communicate. Cheesy, but accurate. Well done WJ). Now goes the saying “AJACS for high, The CORE for 9, The ROC for life.”

I’m looking forward to 2011. It’s like I’ve spent all of 2010 (at least the last quarter) prepping for a better life, and 2011 is when I’ll execute. I’ve spent this whole past year throwing the tennis ball up in the air. Next year is when I serve. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!
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Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Subject:Over before it began
Time:5:29 pm.
Mood: blank.
Music:Rollercoaster by B*Witched.
I was reading some of my old Blurty entries (actually starting from the VERY beginning) when I came to an entry from August 2004. I’m reading through, and lo and behold! Who do I mention? Chester. Only I didn’t call him Chester to conceal his identity back then. I just used his name. I mentioned him in my Blurty. In 2004! That’s kinda awesome.

I tried calling him all day yesterday to tell him of the awesomeness but he did not answer. That’s not too out of his character, so I wasn’t trippin. Fast-forward to today at 9:45am when I get a text from him that says “Hey Autumn, I need to talk to you real quick.” I knew that was bad. A minute later he calls me. First, he asks me how my day is going. Then he tells me that he can never talk to me or see me again. EXCUSE ME, WHAT?!?!?! He said that he has a lot of stuff that he is going through right now and he can’t have me around. I’M SORRY, WHAT!?!?! The thing that sucks the most is that he won’t even tell me the reason. He flat out told me that he doesn’t want to tell me the truth, and he doesn’t want to lie, so he just won’t say anything. Ain’t that some shit?

But the even dumber thing is that we’ve been texting back and forth all day about how we can’t talk anymore. I basically told him that I was going to wage a guerrilla attack via text message until I got the truth. He didn’t seem to oppose. I’ve tried guessing the reason, but no luck so far (unless I really have guessed already and he just lied). He didn’t get anyone pregnant, he doesn’t have AIDS, he’s not going to jail, he’s not a woman, he’s not gay, he’s not an illegal alien, he’s not an actual alien, he’s not in love w/ a white girl, he’s not a drug dealer, he’s not a pimp. I ran out of shit to ask after that. I just pity a person that can’t tell the truth. I mean, how weak and shameful do you have to be? I would tell him to quit being a little BITCH and get on with it, but I don’t want to make him cry or anything. So long Chester, nice knowing you.

In other news, I went to rehearsal for Once on This Island yesterday. It was so fun. The only thing is, I’m kinda pissed b/c I’m fairly certain that the only reason the girl that got the part I wanted got it is b/c she knows the director. I mean, she’s not bad or anything, but she CERTAINLY isn’t better than me! You win some, you lose some I guess.
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Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

Time:3:28 pm.
Mood: thankful.
Music:Love vs Money Part 2 by The Dream.
I guess I have to apologize b/c it seems like ALL of my recent posts have been about men. So to start this entry off, I’ll talk about other stuff.

I still love my job at Netflix. Earlier this week I got a ‘promotion’. I think of it more as a lateral movement. But either way, I’m doing something different than I used to. I’m not just a regular DVD ripper anymore. I work in Quality Control. I basically just inspect the DVDs that the DVD rippers have deemed unplayable. I determine the extent of the damage, and place the DVDs in the appropriate bins to be destroyed. It’s really fun. And I get to use a computer now, so of course I don’t mind that. I thought I was just gonna be on QC half the time, but today my boss told me that he is giving away my DVD ripper desk. Whenever I’m in the hub, I’m in QC. I’m pretty stoked. Next, I’ll be on the sorting machines. And that’s when the big bucks start rolling in.. Lol. PLUS, they’ve added 2 days to my schedule. I work 5 days a week now. Fat paycheck here I come.

Speaking of fat paychecks, I just wanna say how I am already feeling the effects or working at Netflix, in a positive way. My financial situation hasn’t changed too drastically (every time I pay down my credit card, I have to put another expense like vet visits or relaxers on it), but my attitude and demeanor have definitely improved. I don’t know if others can see it, but I can feel it. I don’t feel so weighed down all the time. I can do what I want. Go to bingo, go out to eat w/ Jordan, go to the movies, put money in church. I just feel so much better now.

I recently auditioned for a play “Once on This Island” at Clarksville Little Theater, the same place that did RENT. I know I’ll get a part, I just hope it’s one of the ones I want. And the best part is that all of my theater friends are going to be in it as well. It’s gonna be so fun. I absolutely love singing and performing. I’m just gonna be REALLY tired the next couple of months. Netflix in the morning, Rivermine during the day, rehearsal at night. Sheesh.

Now on to man news… (I’m a slut.. I know..)

Like I said I was going to, I ended things w/ Peachy. I just called him up and asked to come to his house. I’m sure he thought something totally different was about to go down that what I had planned. I told him I had some news that he may not be too delighted to hear. Then I said “I have decided that I don’t want to have sex w/ you anymore.” He shook his head and said “Ok”. I told him that I had a reason, and to just let me know if he wanted to know what it was. He said he didn’t really wanna know at that time (This was about 2 weeks ago and he still hasn’t asked). After that, we just sat on his couch and talked about miscellaneous stuff for 30 more minutes. Then we kissed, and I left.

I’ve talked to him a couple of times since then, and everything is cool. What is it about me and being able to maintain unbelievable relationships w/ men I’ve had sex with? However, in the few times that I’ve talked to Peachy, I feel like he thinks this change is only temporary. I feel like he’s waiting for me to come back to my senses or something. Like specifically, I was talking to him and told him how I had to work on my eating b/c I need to lose weight. He said something along the lines of “Just keep gaining weight in the places I like.” And I’m thinking “Why!? It’s not like you’re gonna be benefiting from my physical alterations anytime soon..” Just things like that. I just wanna send him a text that says “NEVER GONNA HAPPEN”. #bitchmove

There is a new boy. We’ll call him Chester. If I told you why we’re calling him Chester, you’d probably think I was a psycho; but all things shall be revealed in time I suppose. So, I met Chester on Plenty of Fish, a dating website. When he sent me a message I thought to myself “This guy looks vaguely familiar.” I go to his profile only to discover that I do know him after all. We went to the same high school. He was a year ahead of me, and had a brother in my grade. I remembered thinking he was cute, even in high school, so I responded to his message. No real correspondence for a week, but eventually he sent me another message. When I went to respond, I noticed he was online, so I invited him to chat. We ended up chatting for over an hour and he was so different than I thought he would be. In HS, he hung w/ a bunch of assholes, so I thought he would be an asshole. Not at all. He seemed really polite and articulate.

He asked me out for the following Saturday night, but I ended up finding out early in the week that I would have to cancel reschedule. He seemed really bummed, and I was kinda bummed too. But we kept chatting on the computer throughout the week. Eventually I gave him my phone number. He called me the next day. He sounded REALLY different than I imagined. I didn’t realize that I expected him to sound a certain way until he didn’t. But we talked for over an hour. About nothing/everything. Our conversations were only making me like him more & more. While we were texting on Friday, I asked him if he was SURE we just couldn’t meet earlier in the day on Saturday. I was trying not to like him too much in case when I met him, I didn’t find him attractive.

We decided to meet at the Qdoba in the Highlands. I arrived 5 minutes early and sat outside waiting for him, assuming I was the 1st person there. He comes out the Qdoba and calls my name. MAJOR points for being there that early. ::Handsome Alert:: The 1st thing I noticed about him was his hair. It’s so cute. Curly and delicious. The 2nd thing was his height. Hello 6’3’’, how are you doing today? I thought in my head “Oh, he’ll do”. Lol. The line for Qdoba was really long, so we just started walking down Bardstown Road. On the way, we came across some kids selling candy and he bought me a bag of Peanut M&Ms. More points awarded. We ended up going to eat at Café 360. The food was good, and the conversation was great. After lunch, we decided to walk back up Bardstown Road and just keep talking. After 15 mins, we had gotten pretty far up there, so we stopped at the Dairy Queen for dessert. We got our ice cream, and headed back out. Back toward the Qdoba. After we passed the Qdoba (again), we decided to turn off of Bardstown Road and walk down a residential street. We went wherever the conversation was taking us. After we circled the block, we were back at the Qdoba (YET again). We sat on a bench outside and talked for over an hour. Overall our date was around 3.5 hours. It was very pleasant.

That was 10 days ago, and I’ve seen him just about every other day since then. We’ve gone to lunch a couple times, and dinner (**SIDENOTE: While we were at dinner, he [unknowingly] gave me one the greatest compliments I've ever received in my life. I forget what we were talking about, but I wasn't doing anything unusual, just being myself. Well, I guess something really tickled him b/c he started laughing and said something like "I can't believe God made someone like you!" Now, I'm sure he was referring to how peculiar I am, but still, that stuck w/ me.) He came over my house. He seems to like my dogs, so that’s a plus. Most recently, I went to his house. He lives in a house w/3 boys. Very college-esque. I’m not too worried about that though. He’s only 26.

There has been kissing, and that’s very good. Now, I’ve only had sex w/ 3 guys, but I’ve kissed plenty more. Overall I would say he ranks 2nd, only behind CJ. Maybe him and Albert are tied, but IDK. Just REALLY GOOD. Usually around this time, I’d start thinking sex. I mean, who am I kidding, I’ve BEEN thinking sex since I 1st saw him. But I’ve decided that I don’t want to have sex again until I’m in a relationship. I just want to like someone again. To feel all tingly when I think about them. Sex is available whenever I want it (cue Peachy, Butters). I WANT THE TINGLES!!!

Chester makes me tingly. I just can’t get too invested yet. Due to some amazing (and amazingly horrifying) circumstances in his life, he is currently in an unstable state. Trying to get back on his feet, if you will. He finds himself w/o a college degree and unemployed. Two things that only slightly alarm me, but that will send my family/parental units through the roof. That was one of the main issues they had w/ Albert. I just don’t feel like hearing anyone say that he’s not “good enough” for me. I know that isn’t the case. He’s just working on himself right now, and I’ve got to give him room (and time) to do that.

But I really like him. So much so that I deactivated my profiles for the dating sites I’m a member of. I wanna see where this goes. Pray, cross your fingers, get out your lucky rabbit’s foot, throw a penny in a fountain, just do something to help me out!! Lol.
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Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

Subject:Long time, no talk..
Time:5:12 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:Naked by Marques Houston.
So, a couple of days ago, I’m talking to Amber on the phone and guess who beeps in? BUTTERS (aka the 2nd guy I’ve had sex with). Now this was a pleasant surprise as I haven’t talked in him in months. We talked for approx. 20 minutes and it was great. He’s in Indianapolis for work, blah blah blah. So, I talked to Albert yesterday and he says “You know he’s gonna hit you w/ ‘I’m coming through Louisville. We should hook up.’” I didn’t even think of that until Albert said it. Why all of a sudden has Butters popped up out of nowhere? Oh, it’s b/c he’s about to ride through Louisville and wants a booty call.

Fastforward to today. Butters texts me along the lines of “You must hate me b/c you never called me back.” Blah blah blah. Then guess what he says?!?
BUTTERS: I might be in Louisville tomorrow. What you doing?
ME: What I’m doing every Wednesday. Working. What are you coming to Louisville for?
BUTTERS: I’m just driving through on my way to Lexington.
ME: Oh, well we can meet for lunch if you want?
BUTTERS: What time do you get off work?
ME: 5:30pm
BUTTERS: Well, I can come later and see you after work if you don’t have plans.
--This is where I realized that he didn’t just want to see me; he wanted to spend some ‘QT’—
ME: I have a modeling engagement. (LIE. Well, ½ truth. I have a modeling thing, but it’s not mandatory. But there’s no way in HELL that you can just come up out of the blue and think I’m gonna have sex w/ you like that! Especially when it was just ok, not earth-shattering!)
BUTTERS: Why do you hate me? (This is where I start to get annoyed.)
ME: Don’t get mad b/c I’m not all on your nuts. Peep me if you wanna do lunch.
--The End—

How dare he? Lol. I’m more astonished than angry. Guys are just so transparent! Granted, I probably wouldn’t have picked up on that if not for Albert. But still, I picked up on it!

In other news, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna end this whole thing w/ Peachy. It’s just not working for me anymore. Like, his constant need to be out & about & partying is really making him unattractive. Literally. Like, I look at him, and make the stink face. It’s just such a turnoff how he wants to live this bachelor/party boy life. Maybe we can get back together when he wants to start being an adult.

Couple that w/ the fact that I STILL haven’t heard from CJ. So basically, the men in my life are pretty much getting the thumbs down from me right now.

Back to square 1 I guess.
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Monday, October 18th, 2010

Subject:Fairy Dust type shit...
Time:11:55 am.
Mood: good.
Music:Dueces by Chris Brown & Tyga.
So.. I’m trying to think of a way to sum up this past weekend w/ Peachy, and the only word I can come up with is MAGICAL. Not particularly romantic or special, just amazing.

We went to bingo (won nothing, of course) and Jimmy John’s on Saturday. Then he took me to his office to show me where he works. Sidenote: his view is amazing. It REALLY made me miss the corporate life/working in a tall building. I mean, he’s only on the 10th floor, but I got a little misty eyed looking out over the city. Kill me.

When we got back to his house, I left to go take care of my dogs for a while. The weather was quite beautiful, so they had been outside all day. When I was driving back to his house, they were playing some club mix on 98.9FM and it was taking me in! Song after song was my JAM. So I’m sitting in my car in his driveway for 4 minutes before I realize that I should actually go in his house. But as soon as I get in, I asked him if he had a radio and he blasted the tunes. His whole house was filled w/ music.

Music really moves me, so I was getting in the mood to have all kinds of fun. For a while, I was in his room dancing, and he was on his computer in the living room. So, being in feisty slut mode (plus, I was actually kinda breaking a sweat from dancing so much) I decided to take off my clothes and keep dancing. I made it into a game. How long am I going to dance around in my underwear before he notices? 3 minutes and 46 seconds.

Initially, he came into the bedroom just to watch. He sat in his chair w/ his drink and just observed. That’s a good feeling. Vibing to the music AND having someone’s desiring eyes on you. Then he came over and started touching me and kissing my neck. After the hour-long sex session, we were both worn out. Just laying there naked, sweaty, and unable to move. It was an extremely high quality experience. For his troubles, I let him keep my underwear. I really didn’t need that pair anymore and I knew he had wanted them. I don’t know what it is w/ guys and that shit, but I was happy to oblige.

Turns out my sister had called me (and him) 3 or 4 times to obsess over the dogs. But we missed those calls of course.

Sunday afternoon, my mom and I went over Peachy’s house to review the website he is building for her. My mom loves his house, as I told her she would. The website looks really nice and we made a lot of good changes. After the meeting, my mom decided to walk home since she lives a lot closer to him than she thought. Soon after, my sister calls about the dogs, and I tell her I’m on my way to get them. I go in for a goodbye kiss and before I know it, it turns into goodbye sex. Now, I in no way condone the excuse “it just happened”. Yeah, it was unplanned, but we were both in control the whole time. I knew I had to go home. I could have stopped it if I wanted to. I just didn’t want to. During our pleasurable sex, my sister calls and calls and CALLS, but we don’t answer. It was kinda funny, like musical phones. My phone would ring, then his phone would ring, then my phone would ring.. Like, what did she really think she was going to accomplish? (Another sidenote: The night before she got all over me about not answering the phone. I told her I wasn’t near my phone at the time and that’s why I didn’t answer. She responds “That’s a bullshit excuse. You weren’t near your phone. It’s so obvious what you’re doing.” And I’m thinking “BITCH, if it’s ‘so obvious’ what I’m doing, then why are you calling me anyway?!? Do you stop in the middle of fucking to answer your phone??? I didn’t think so.”

After sex, we check our phones. And not only did she call and text us both a million times, she took our beef to TWITTER!!! She tweeted something along the lines of “My sister makes me sick sometimes..” And after I got my dogs and got home, I realized that she updated her facebook status to the same thing!!!! Like SERIOUSLY! It was just so amusing. I pity her sometimes. I’m thinking to myself “Ham, if you’re the ONLY PERSON mad in this whole situation, what does that say about you?” I’m not mad. My granny isn’t mad, and my dogs are at HER fucking house! So as of this moment, we’re not talking. But I’m sure Amber will call when she needs something.

Later that night, Peachy called and we went to Red Lobster. We talked about past relationships. In particular, gift giving/receiving. It was enlightening. Then we went to Kroger to buy microwave popcorn. He watched a movie, and I went home. Magical.

On a completely different note, CJ facebooked me yesterday. I know I’ve been hating him lately, but I was happy to hear from him. I really do miss talking to him. He said he would call me soon, but I don’t know how likely that is.

I booked my 1st runway show. It’s this Thursday. I’m really excited and only a little bit nervous. It’s not extremely high fashion, so I’m not really tripping. I just hope the exposure will be good. I went to a ‘runway training’ class last week. It is SO unnerving to walk up and down an imaginary runway while a lady barks criticism at you, and 19 other girls watch. As uncomfortable as I was up there walking, sometimes I was even more uncomfortable watching the other girls. Some of them were just so nervous and had such a difficult time taking direction. I definitely saw some eyes watering. Yikes.

Netfilx is going really well. And those weekly paychecks aren’t hurting either.

I’m happy now. I have hope. Hope for my career, hope for my finances, hope for my house, hope for my love life. Just hope. That’s all I wanted.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Subject:Big girl pants....
Time:5:30 pm.
Mood: grateful.
Music:Choppa Style by Choppa.
I got a 2nd job. I had to. There was no way around it. I simply don’t make enough money at Rivermine. And it sucks b/c I make a shitload of money. Just not enough to support my current lifestyle. And my lifestyle is pretty modest right now. I don’t go anywhere and spend any money (except for maybe the occasional bingo outing). I don’t shop. I don’t get pedicures. Hell, I don’t even save or tithe. I just don’t have enough money.

I’m really proud of myself actually. For the past couple months I’ve started to think “Well, this is my life. I’m just poor, and it won’t end until I get married.” I accepted the fact that I didn’t have money, and never would. I would just sit at home, watch tv, and mope. But last Sunday at church changed everything. Pastor Williams was talking about how we need to be productive in order for God to use us. We spend too much of our time doing nothing, when we could be doing something. That really hit home for me. Here I sat day after day, accepting my life and unhappiness the way it was, when I had the power to change it all.

So I did. The next day, I went on to look for jobs. I applied for my job on Monday, and started my job on Wednesday. I work at the Netflix warehouse. From 5am – 8:30am Tuesday – Saturday for $9.25 an hour, I sit at a station, open Netflix envelopes, and inspect to see if the DVDs are damaged. It’s honestly kinda fun. I’m the type of person that enjoys order and repetitive motion. And I can wear jeans and a t-shirt. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that my 2 mangers are delicious looking black men. I’m definitely gonna get on that as time goes by. Lol.. After I get off, I go home and play w/ my dogs for a minute, then I go to Rivermine from 9:30am – 5:30pm. The best part is, I didn’t even have to adjust my schedule that much. Sure, I get off work an hour later. But I honestly don’t go to sleep any earlier. I was in bed by 9:30pm LLLLOOONNNGGGG before I got this job.. Lol. Now I don’t even have to feel bad about it.

And another good thing about this job is that it forces me to be productive in other areas of my life. I can’t watch TV all night b/c I have to find time to exercise. Or maybe even take a nap. I just have to make every action count. PLUS the fact that I’m gonna have roughly an extra $100 a week just makes me so happy. People like Albert are ok w/ just getting by, and surviving. But not me. I’ve been miserable since the beginning of summer. I need to feel financially secure in order to feel happy. And now I do. I know it’s gonna be difficult. But once I pay off my credit card debt, and am able to start saving money, I’ll be so happy. PLUS, I’ll be able to start working on my house again. I’m smiling just thinking about it. I’ve only been to work for 2 days, but I already feel like a different person.

This new mentality has also re-motivated me to get back on my weight loss. Not to mention the fact that I started watching the new season of The Biggest Loser, and that ALWAYS gets me in the mood to be better. I’ve been walking about complacent w/ my current health situation. But I’m gonna get back at it. I still have at least 20 lbs to lose, so I’m going to start acting like it. Whether at the gym or at home, I’ve got to start sweating more. I’ve been treating working out like it’s an option when I know it’s not.

I’m also going to get more involved in church. I’m not gonna join any choirs or anything, but the least I can do is go to New Members classes. Plus I’m going to pray more. I have to show God that I recognize that He’s in control. And also to thank him for all the wonderful things (like joy and hope) that He has given me.

Side note: I watched the movie Kick-Ass a couple days ago. It was AWESOME!!!! So much better than I expected. I might even have to own it.

Things w/ me and Peachy have cooled down feelings wise. We still hang and have sex, I just don’t require him as more than a friend anymore. That makes me happy. I hate unrequited feelings. Last Friday, he called me (AT MIDNIGHT) and asked me to go to Ramsi’s. I’m was amazed that it was still open. But we went. And the food was so good!! I must have been on crack the last time I was there, b/c I remember telling myself that I didn’t like that place. Ummm… WRONG. So, we were there from like 12am-2am. Then after that, we went for a drive downtown and ended up at the skate park and the waterfront. It was so beautiful. So romantic. When I gets me a man, I’m definitely gonna make that a date. Me and Peachy just kicked it as friends though. No hand holding or cuddling. Just walking and talking. He dropped me off at home at 4am. It was really fun.

I’m happy about life now. I’m proud that I took steps to fix what was wrong in my life. I’m proud that I’m making the necessary sacrifices to do what needs to be done. Today (or 2 days ago) is the 1st day of the rest of my life…
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 13th, 2010

Subject:Transactions of the Bovine nature...
Time:2:08 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:Girlfriend (Remix) by N'Sync feat. Nelly.
So, this me and Peachy thing is going great. The sex is phenomenal. I don’t know how much it would mean to say that it’s the best sex I’ve ever had since I’ve only had sex w/ 3 people. But it’s still pretty great. And whenever we hang out, it’s fun. We have a lot in common, and his company is enjoyable. PLUS, he’s teaching me how to play the guitar, and I’m actually kinda kicking its ass. Right now the only thing I can play is “Yellow” by Coldplay, but I plan to add some Michael Jackson to my repertoire sooner than later.

The only thing that annoys me about me and Peachy’s relationship is that no one seems to understand that it’s mutually beneficial. I feel like everyone just thinks I’m being used/taken advantage of. Amber hit me w/ the “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” a couple days ago. But after a while of thinking, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’M NOT TRYING TO SELL A COW!!!! It seems to me like everyone is thinking “How are you ever gonna get him to be your boyfriend if you keep having sex w/o commitment?” But the thing they don’t get is that I’m not trying to “get” him to be my boyfriend. Would I like him to be? No doubt about it. But I have no intention of tricking or pressuring him into it. That is not a good foundation for a relationship. I want him to know that he could have sex w/ whoever he wants, but choose me. If he’s not ready to do that, I’m ok w/ it.

I also feel like everyone thinks our whole agreement is one-sided. Like, he can have sex w/ whomever he wants, but I’m only being faithful to him. What sort of sense does that make?!? OF COURSE I’m not out of the game. But people never think about that. PLUS, I think my mom and sister think that just because he has the option to sleep around, he’s basically got a revolving door installed in his bedroom. I mean, just b/c you have the option to do something, doesn’t me you’re doing it all day every day. It just means you can when/if you want.

Me and Peachy talked about it, and he basically just wants the liberty to do what he wants when he want, and not deal w/ the constriction/obligation of an overbearing girlfriend. Now, I told him that there were holes in his logic b/c not every girlfriend is like that. Just ones he may have had in the past. He agreed.

When it comes down to it, it’s all good. Is our current situation optimal? No. Is it favorable? Yes. That suits me just fine for now.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Subject:Yes, please...
Time:4:17 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Music:Digital Getdown by N'Sync.
So, yesterday was by far the best Labor Day I’ve ever had. But honestly, who keeps track of Labor Day’s anyway? Me and Amber got to bingo at 9:45am. We received our FREE daubers, as well as a ticket for a FREE hotdog and chips. About an hour later, C Lark showed up, then Peachy. The 4 of us had the best time ever just dishing and playing bingo. And OF COURSE C Lark won a $500 coverall BY HERSELF on her 1st (and probably last) trip to the bingo hall ever!!!!

After bingo, everyone is invited to go to eat/movies, but me and Peachy are the only ones that end up going. Qdoba, sweet. Then we went to see Takers. Surprisingly BRILLIANT. T.I.’s and Chris Brown’s acting was notably sub-par, but no worse than I expected. And what C Breezy lacked in acting chops, he MORE than made up for w/ his bitchin’ action scene. I was literally mesmerized. After the movie, me and Peachy went for a drive around neighborhoods containing houses we wish we could afford. After that, I went home.

About 2 hours later, Peachy invites me to his house. So I go hang out over there for a couple hours, watching tv and listening to him play the piano. He can play really well. I thought he was just playing around (pun intended), but he’s very good. After a couple hours, I went back home to mess w/ my dogs. DAMN MY DOGS. I love them to pieces, but I can say w/ a straight face that I honestly wish I didn’t have them.

Around 10:00pm, I go back over to his house. We watched “The Invention of Lying” and it was good. I didn’t expect it to be religious/spiritual at all. Interesting surprise. After the movie, amazing sex. I honestly wonder how long it’s gonna be before it starts to get bad. It was just so pleasurable/fun. It’s been like that every time. But afterwards, the best thing ever happened. HE MADE BREAKFAST. Cheese omelet, crispy turkey bacon, and wheat toast. That shit was so good. I mean, A++ for service. First I get sexed down something fierce, then you cook me food?!?!?! Where do I sign? Lol. I got home around 2am.

That whole day pretty much rocked.

On a different note, me and Amber are looking into opening our own bingo hall w/ the money she’ll have after coming back from Afghanistan. But KY sucks b/c they only allow charitable gaming. So essentially, we are going to have to create a non-profit organization to give the majority of our money to; But hey, you do what you gotta do. We were thinking about creating a scholarship fund/foundation for minorities that want to go to UK. I’ve been doing a lot of research on the subjects of NPOs and bingo itself, and I’ve learned a lot. I’ll be ready to start writing a business plan in a couple of months.
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Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Subject:The "talk"
Time:9:57 am.
Mood: irritated.
Music:Nice & Slow by Usher..
First comes sex. Then comes the "talk". If it was up to C Lark, or my sister, the talk would come BEFORE sex, but i'm not picky like that.

Me and Peachy talked yesterday. My question to him: What do you require of our relationship sexually and socially? His response: Sex is fun. Sex is great. I really like our sexual relationship. Socially, I’m not really looking to be in a super-exclusive relationship at this time.

The emotional part of me just wanted to scream “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG W/ YOU?!?” I’m tired of this bullshit already. I mean, I don’t want him to deny how he feels, but I’m still fucked up that he feels that way. Men are just retarded. This shit makes me angry. And if he wasn’t worth shit (like Butters), I wouldn’t care so much. But this guy actually has potential. We have a lot in common, and similar values and outlooks on life. I just roll my eyes and smh.

::Back to the logical part::

Was I surprised? Absolutely not. Was I disappointed? Yes. But the thing that I appreciate about Peachy is that I was able to explicitly express that w/o him becoming uncomfortable or defensive. My response to him was that I was a little disappointed b/c I’ve met a lot of men recently that weren’t talking about shit, and finding someone like him was an unexpected surprise. We both even agreed that we each possess characteristics that are imperative in a long-term mate, but he just doesn’t want that right now. And I don’t think he’s like Albert, where he won’t want those things for a LLLOOONNNGG time, but still, he doesn’t want them tomorrow.

But as weird as it sounds, I think our conversation did nothing but make him like me more. It was his first insight into how I handle conflict, and I could tell that he really appreciated my honesty and objectivity. And his similar conflict-resolution style made me like him more as well.

Bottom line: I’m gonna wait this thing out. Peachy is on this “30 is the new 20” kick (lame, I know), but I see that getting old sooner than later. I’m definitely not taking myself off the market, but I’m also not ruling out the possibility that something could develop w/ me and Peachy. I’ll just focus on what I can control, and keep it moving. Honestly, what other choice do I have?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

Subject:You can't choose your family....
Time:4:25 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:Love King by The Dream.
I’m sure everyone already knows this, but my sister is a NUTCASE!!!! And do you know what it’s mostly about these days? My dogs. She’s the most overbearing, protective, RETARDED person when it comes to them. I tried explaining to her how dogs aren’t people, so we have to treat them differently. Granted, I came to her w/ EXTENSIVE research I had done on the internet to back up my claims. Her response: “I simply refuse to believe that.” Did she have any research? Nope. She just plain decided to reject the facts. It amazes me how she can do that.

The reason I’m bringing this up is b/c a couple of days ago, I went to hang out w/ Peachy for a couple hours while my dogs were at home. My sister called and asked when I would be home, and I told her I wasn’t going to tell her a specific time, only for her to call and harass me when that time came. So, after I left Peachy (after only 3 hours, mind you), I returned home at 9pm to find that my sister had entered my house w/o my permission, and removed my dogs. Let’s not even talk about how angry I was with that fact. HOW DARE SHE ENTER MY HOUSE!!!!!!!! How dare she think she knows how to care for my dogs better than me?!?

When I went to my grandmother’s house to retrieve them, I asked “Why did Amber bring these dogs here?” And my granny said “Well, she said you were gonna be out til 4am, so she wanted them to be outside.” I can’t stand my sister. And the worst part is, she wasn’t even there to take them home. She called mom and asked her to do it. So that’s 2 people that my sister decided to inconvenience for the sake of being a “good aunt”. Please kill me.

But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is when she finds out that even after I went to get my dogs (which she removed from my house w/o my permission), I was returning to Peachy’s house. This brought on an all-out text lashing in which she just became unnecessarily cruel. And I don’t say cruel to make you think that I was hurt, because I wasn’t. But let’s just examine the words she used.

Amber: You talk about how mom is always up under [unnamed man], but you’re going BACK over Peachy’s?!?! Take your own advice and stop being so stupid.
Amber: You’re acting like a hoe.
Me: I have no response.
Amber: Don’t ever give me advice again when you sleep w/ someone the 3rd time after going over their house.
Me: Ok
Amber: You have no response because you’re an irresponsible bitch who would rather be under Peachy’s balls than do anything else.
Amber: Go fuck Peachy again. Maybe it’ll make you feel better. And leave your dogs at home for another 6 hours…

I’m not even going to go into what’s wrong w/ the above exchange. Like, how comparing Peachy and her sociopath of a boyfriend is ludicrous, or how I never left my dogs for 6 hours to begin with… But isn’t that just amazing? All the stuff she says to try to guilt me into staying home? But I didn’t stay home. I went back over there. And if the sex was ‘great’ last time, it was AMAZING this time. No regrets. The whole situation makes me laugh to think about it. She’s a psychopath….
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, May 21st, 2010

Time:1:36 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
Music:Mama by The Dream.

Albert and Autumn
Jul 7, 2007 - May 20, 2010

Me and Albert broke up yesterday. I never EVER thought that would happen. And as corny as it may sound, it really was for the best. Now all the pressure is off. We can just be friends again. And we are. And that makes me happy.

The talk was really difficult. We both cried, but it was such a relief to know that we were thinking the same thing. We were both unhappy. No one walked away hurt.

We went to go see Wicked for his birthday. It was great. I was just so jealous the whole time! HOW DARE these people live the life I wanna live! Only makes me want it more.

I've gained 10lbs since INSANITY has been over. It kinda makes me laugh typing it like that, but it's the truth. I don't feel bad though. I haven't binged since. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Subject:Rough Patch
Time:12:47 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:"Still There for Me" by Corbin Bleu.

So, I finished INSANITY. Lost 12.6 lbs. Final weigh in at 160.4 lbs. I'm pretty excited. I'll be even more excited when I get into the 150s.

Ok, so me and Albert are going through a rough patch. We talked over the weekend, and turns out, he's not gonna move in with me (no real surprise there). We just talked about where he was mentally and emotionally. He went to school for 10 years only to graduate with a degree in a field he's not interested in anymore. He wants to focus on music management and entertainment (again, no surprise). Basically what I got from the conversation is that he wants to put the breaks on our relationship until he gets his own shit together. Not to break up or anything, just not take any major steps (like moving in together, i reckon). And now I'm in a weird place. It's like, when he said that, a light switch went off. Like, the lights went out on my affection for him. The whole weekend, I would just look at him and try to figure out what I was feeling, and the answer came back nothing. I look at him and don't feel anything. I don't think that's right.

Now, I don't know if I'm just being rash in light of our situation, but I can't help how I feel. Like, I'm damn near ready to ask people to start fixing me up. And dead honestly, the only reason I haven't full fledge broken up with Albert is because there's nobody else that I could even begin to date, and what's the point of being alone? I know that being with someone b/c you don't want to be alone is NOT ok, but I'm not saying that I can't be alone, I just prefer not to be. But know this, my eyes (and now my heart) are officially open. I ain't looking for Mr. Right, but you best believe, if he comes my way, homeboy is getting the boot! And who's to say that we won't find our way back to each other in the future? But I just don't know. Like, I love Albert for who he is, but maybe that's not the kind of guy I want to be with. Maybe we're just supposed to be friends. It's kinda like i have no basis for comparison. I've never gone out with anybody else to know if me and Albert truly do work. I think that's what I need to do. But what if I leave him, realize nobody in the world is talking about shit, and when I come back, he's not there (I'm pretty sure that's the plot of a Ruben Studdard song)? It's just scary. But like I'm told, anything worth doing usually is.

help. Help. HELP!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 30th, 2010

Subject:Man in the mirror
Time:3:37 pm.

I went to a model open call in Chicago last Saturday. Very unlike me. I got the email notice on Thursday, and made up my mind to go. The most kick ass part was that my Dad went with me. Chicago's like a 5-6 hour drive, and I def didn't want to do that alone, but Ham had drill, and mom was busy doing something (w/ TL none the less). So I asked Dad, totally not expecting him to be available. But not only was he available, but INTERESTED in going with me! The trip was awesome. Every part but the one where the Ford agents took one look at me, said "Thank you", and kept the line moving. Kinda bummed about that, but at least I went. Plus, after that was over, me and Pop went driving downtown and ended up at Navy Pier. Overall, it was fun. So fun, that we're gonna take another trip up there for the Taste of Chicago in June. Just me, him, and Amber. That makes me really happy. Of course my mom wanted to go, but Dad said he would just prefer it be us 3. I don't blame him. No baby mama drama.

So how about the fact that my last day of INSANITY is tomorrow? I'm so proud of myself that I could just spit! I stepped on the scale today and it was 161.4 lbs. I'm gonna frickin' flip when I get into the 150s. Plus, it's offically time to defrost those Samoas I wrote about. 2 words: BEAST MODE. But only for a day. Can't let all that hard work go to waste!

Life changing decision: I've decided to sign with a modeling agency in Louisville. You know what that means: another $1300 to get more pictures. It's gonna be so difficult to do, but I just have to. I've never felt this compelled before. I just have to give it my all, and if it doesn't work out, at least i tried. I never wanna look back and think "what if". But, "what if" right after I pay for my pix, my car breaks down and I'm totally fucked? It's so scary, but anything worth doing usually is. PRAY.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

Subject:Unexpected visits
Time:12:16 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Music:"End of the Road" by Boyz II Men.

So, 2 Saturdays ago, I was out at the mall with my mom and I get this random text from my dad saying "Just got out of church. Bored. Anybody wanna hang?" (Obviously sent to me and Amber). Well, Amber was in Lexington, so it was just me. Daddy said we could go to dinner or a movie. I opted for dinner (even though I only had 220 calories left for the day!). I really enjoy talking to my dad. So, we were trying to figure out where to go, and settled on Bravo's. It's this restaurant across from J. Alexander's that we always say we should try out. Well, we did. Basically one step up from Olive Garden, but not too super swank. Overall, good food, great prices, great company. I ordered my salad, and watched my dad down bread, pasta, and cheesecake!! I had a couple teeny bites, almost so thin you could see though them. It wasn't too tough to resist. I'm hardcore on INSANITY. But the cheesecake was super tasty. When I'm not on a diet, we're gonna go back and try the gelato! Yay! We just sat there and talked and talked. We're so much alike. I honestly think he had a good time. That makes me happy.

When I told my mom that dad texted me, she made some joke about inviting her along, and I totally did, but she declined. I don't know what games she be playing. I guess it's like, you're not interested in the person, but you still wonder if they're interested in you. Kinda like me and P Jack.

And then last Saturday, Ashlee and Janelle came over to my house to play cards. Yes, you read that correctly, JANELLE!!! When Ashlee planned to come over, I told her to invite Janelle, but I honestly didn't think she would come. I'm so happy she did. It was such a good time. Just like old times. See, I knew this friendship thing wasn't so difficult!! Now all we have to do is get WJ in the mix and it'll be awesome. But according to Ashlee and Janelle, she's mad at me for not replying to a thread on fb. Like, really? You're actually angry over some facebook shit. And then, you don't even tell me you're angry. You essentially tell everyone but me. I really don't have time for that. But I may message her in the near future. If I’m feeling it.

Ashlee brought Roscoe (her dog) over to play with Milton and Madeline. I didn't know how well it would go b/c M&M have developed a sort of aggression that needs to be fixed. IMMEDIATELY. But, it went well for a while. Honestly better than I thought it would. But in the end, we had to separate them. Maybe we'll try again in the future. BTW, Ashlee kept calling Madeline Matilda and it was cracking me up!!

Speaking of unexpected visits, let's talk about these visits I've been making to Aldi lately. Don't sleep. They actually have some great stuff in there!! I'll definitely be frequenting that place more often.

I'm in my second to last week of INSANITY. I'm honestly super proud of myself. I've stuck with it for 7 weeks now, and I feel strong and awesome. This is honestly the longest I've stuck with any workout plan, and it's working. Plus, how about the fact that I've been eating 1900 calories for the past few days and still losing weight! I remember times when I would barely go over 1000. What was I thinking?

Albert's birthday is in less than a month. That's exciting. We're going to see Wicked and to J. Alexander's. Score!

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Friday, April 2nd, 2010

Subject:Catching up... Like old times.
Time:11:23 am.
Mood:Has to use the bathroom.
Music:"Used to Love U" by John Legend.

So, about a week ago (3/28 to be exact) was my dad’s birthday. Me and Amber have started this little tradition of buying him $100 worth of gift cards. We also took him out to J. Alexander’s (the best restaurant in the world). He seemed really appreciative. I mean, I kinda feel sorry for Pop. I don’t even think Ashley, William, or Mona for that matter remembered his birthday. We went out to eat at 3pm, and when we got there, I asked if any of them had said anything and he said no. I mean, I’d think that if you live with the guy, the least you could have done was mention it over breakfast. But that’s only if you remembered, which I bet they did not. But honestly, I don’t blame the kids. I blame Mona. I mean, you’re his WIFE for goodness sake. Shit, my mom wasn’t even married to Dad, but she always made sure that we called him on his birthday. She was probably still in love with him back then, but that’s not really the point. It’s the adult’s responsibility to make sure that the kids know. But on a different note, at dinner, I came up with the best idea EVER. In 3 years, Dad, Ham and I are gonna go back to Cancun to celebrated the 10th anniversary of our 18th birthday trip down there. Dad’s face literally lit up when I made the suggestion. I mean, he certainly gets no father of the year award, but I honestly know that he works hard and sacrifices for his kids. I mean, he would just be happy to move out into a little studio apartment and have peace, but he stays for the kids. I don’t know if I totally agree with the choice, but he’s made it, and he’s gonna have to live with it.

So, I’m officially halfway through the INSANITY workout. It’s going great. I haven’t missed one workout, and I’ve eaten on plan every day. That’s over a month of not cheating on my diet. That’s HUGE for me!! I have such a problem with food. I’m tempted so heavily. Like, this guy brought in bagels to work yesterday, and I just wanted to DIE!!! Food has such a pull on my brain. I can’t take it sometimes. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a binge eater. Now if I could only get that purging thing down. Lol.. But seriously, when I go off the deep end, I go way off. Like, I just can’t have one bagel. I have to have 6. I don’t eat 2 slices of pizza, I eat the whole pizza. I’m working on getting a grip though. I think something that has really helped is tracking my food. I had to start doing it for INSANITY, but I’m pretty sure I’m gonna keep it up after I’m done. It gives me real insight. And those days when I eat 6 bagels, I’ll just have to track it and keep moving. I trick myself into thinking that I’m not really eating that much, or it’s not that bad. When I track it, I’ll know for sure. Then hopefully it’ll make me not want to each as much.

While we’re on the subject of weight loss, can I just talk about how frustrated I am with Albert?!? I want him to lose weight SO BAD. It’s very frustrating when you want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. Like, for Christmas 2 years ago, I made up this weight loss challenge where I would pay him $10 for every pound he lost. Isn’t that retarded? It was SO MUCH MONEY, but I was working at Target then, ballin’, so I didn’t really think much of it. Anyways, his starting weight was 281 lbs. Well, by the time Christmas rolled around, he weighed somewhere in the 230s. It was great. He was looking great, feeling great about himself. I was so proud. And I paid him over $500, so he was rolling in the dough. The least he could have done was keep that weight off. Or gain back 20 lbs. But no, when he FINALLY stepped on the scale about a month ago (he had been avoiding it for ages), he weighed 287 lbs. My heart broke. Like, not only did he gain back ALL that weight, but then some extra. And what still makes me angry is his half ass attempt at a healthy lifestyle now. He’ll say things like “I ate good today,” or “I exercised today.” And I’m like, that’s great and everything, but you have to keep it up for multiple days at a time!!!! I’m just fucked up over here. I want him to lose weight so bad. It’s not even a physical attractiveness thing. It’s about pride and willpower and control. Take control of your life!!! See a problem and fix it! And if he had no desire to lose weight, I’d be like “Fuck it. Do you then”. But he says he wants to lose weight. One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is when people complain about something but don’t do anything to change their situation. GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!

So apparently Janelle and Ashlee hung out together last night. I’ll admit it, when I found out, it kinda felt like someone flicked me on the cheek. Like, I get why we never hung out together when we lived in different cities, but yikes you guys, you can’t give me a call when we’re all in Louisville. But that is of course unless they went to the club. Cause they can keep that. No desire at all. But just hanging out? I can do that with the best of them.
I dropped $1900 on a John Deer on Wednesday. It felt good to make a major purchase, but it kinda put me back into a position where I have to start watching my budget again. I refuse to let myself get so low in funds that it literally hurts my stomach. I nowhere near there yet, but I’ve been there before, and it can sneak up on you..
Easter is on Sunday. That means an Easter basket from Aunt Beverly. That means Cadbury Eggs and Reese’s here I come!! But I have to put them in the freezer for another month while I’m still on INSANITY. What, you though I was gonna waste my precious calories on chocolate and sugar?!? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But that doesn’t mean that after INSANITY is over that I’m not gonna treat myself. As Albert says “Treat yourself, don’t cheat yourself”. BUT, I’m still gonna track. Then I’ll finally know how bad they are for me, but it’ll be worth it. An occasional crème filled egg (or 3) never killed anyone. But let’s not talk about the TWO boxes of Samoas I have in my freezer. Oh, I’m gonna eat them. But we’re just not gonna talk about them…

Until next time!!

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Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Subject:Idk? My BFF Jill?
Time:2:00 pm.
Mood: hungry.
Music:"Sometimes" by Bilal.

So, the subject has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but it's all I could think of.

I used to think I wrote these blogs so other people could read them, but now I don't even care anymore. I just wanna be able to look back in 20 years and remember who I used to be. I'm totally gonna print this shit out one day and publish it. Maybe in like a different country though, so no one I know will read it. I talk mad shit about people sometimes.

So.... nearly a year it's been. What has changed?

The first thing that popped into my head is that me and Janelle aren't "friends" anymore. We had this big falling out last spring and we never really bounced back from it. Of course it was just some huge miscommunication, but I guess we both realized that our lives didn't suck when we weren't friends, so we should just keep it that way. We met at a Waffle House about a month ago, and we talked, just like we always have, but when it was time to leave, she made sure to say that this didn't mean we were "friends". I was like whatever. We just have different meanings for the word friend. I mean, if you can not talk to somebody for 9 months, then kinda just pick back up and have some good convo, they can't be so bad, right? But no, according to Janelle, a friend should call you twice a week and be invited everywhere you go and know everything about you the second it happens and a whole bunch of other clingy shit. No thanks.

I got dogs. 6 months ago. They were puppies when I got them, and they still are now, but they're so much bigger. A boy named Milton, and a girl named Madeline. They're alright. I mean, they make me happy and whatnot, but i honestly don't think i'd flip if i didn't have them. Like, they're so expensive to take care of, and they chew up shit, and shit all over my backyard. Honestly, when I first got them, i considered taking them to the pound almost every night.

Can you believe CJ and I are still friends? Not to unbelievable, but we still talk quite frequently. I’ve grown to love him again. Sometimes he's still super annoying, but he's really toned it down with the "I just have to quit being in love with you" shit. He's focusing on our FRIENDSHIP, and that makes me super happy. But can I say that honestly, a week or 2 ago, I was thinking about how I'm kinda bummed that we'll never be together again. Like, if i knew those times we were together were gonna end, I would have taken more advantage of them. Not been so nervous and cautious. But still, he kinda made me who i am, so it was all worth it in the end.

I have been HOUSE POOR lately. Like, between my dogs and my house, I have come close to sinking a bunch of times. I was slowly drawing money out of my savings every couple of months just to stay ahead. I was pretty much miserable. Don't even get me started on how much of a bum I felt during Christmas. I live to buy gifts (mostly for Albert) and I just felt not good enough for months. I will say that not having money has made me see how much Albert has stepped up to the plate though. Like, I'd always pay for things because I thought I had to, but when I literally couldn't pay anymore, he was right there to dutch it, or pay for me. And he didn't make me feel ashamed. Because I had been feeling ashamed all by myself for ages. I feel like it was my fault that I couldn't provide for us, but he's helped me see that we're a team. That has made me love him so much more. Plus, I just got my $8,000 tax credit for buying my house. More than 1/2 is gone already, but at least my bank account has a thousands place again. Plus, Albert will be moving in in August, and that'll be a huge help.

So, I'm an actress/singer/model now. About 6 months ago, I semi had this mental breakdown where both Albert and Rush told me I wasn't happy in like the same week, and it really got me thinking. And I honestly wasn't. I could try to tell people how much i enjoyed being behind the scenes and being a computer person, but I just needed more. I thought it had to be all or nothing, but I've come to find out that I can have both quite brilliantly. This past January, I was in a production of RENT at this little community theater in Indiana. And I wasn't just in the play, I was a lead. Joanne to be exact. I mean, talk about dream role. Here it was my first time auditioning for ANYTHING in my life, and i turn out to be one of the best singers there. The whole experience was AMAZING. I feel like it was the first time that people got to see the real me. I was so diva-tastic. And I made some good friends. Like, people I was so much alike that I was wondering they had been all my life. And I'm auditioning for things here and there, but I really want to focus on my modeling right now. I'm with S2/Wilhelmina Models in Columbus, OH. I just got back from this modeling boot camp up there and it was so much fun. I got professional hair and makeup and 2 professional photo shoots. I just felt like that was what I was born to do. It was so fun, and I looked GOOD. I go back up to Columbus on Monday to review the proofs and pick out pics for my comp card. I really hope this shit pans out because I have put SO MUCH MONEY into it already. Like, nearly $3000. And for someone who is broke like I previously mentioned, I took a real risk. But I told myself that 2010 was the year to see if I could make it. If not, then at least I tried. But what if i do make it? What happens then?

So, it's been nearly a year since I've written in this journal, and I probably weigh the same as I did back then. That doesn't really make me happy. I got down to 160 lbs right before Christmas, but that didn't last long. The holidays hit and now I'm sitting at 170 lbs. I'm in week 3 of the Insanity workout plan though, and I think it's going pretty good. I've been eating on plan and following the workouts to a tee. I need a beachbody DAMMIT.

Amber gets deployed in December. 6 months in Afghanistan. Is it tacky that i'm kinda jealous of all the money she'll make? I don't worry about her safety. I have faith that she'll be fine. It still sucks that she's going away for so long though. And the desert can't be what's up.

Well, that's about it. All i can remember. I would say i'll start updating again, but I don't wanna make myself out to be a liar. I may. I may not.

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Thursday, April 30th, 2009

Time:2:15 pm.
Mood: calm.

So, Janelle got off blurty I don't know how long ago, and that's a bummer, but what can you do? I still don't think I will call her any more often. I hope that's not what she wants.

I forgot how long it's been since I made an update, so for those who didn't know, I got laid off from Target, moved back to Louisville, and now I work for a software company called Rivermine. I love my job. It's so great, yet challenging and time consuming. But hey, I've done and learned more here in the past 6 weeks than I did for Target in 6 months. I'm not complaining.

Plus, I'm just about to close on my house. I'm super excited about that.

Derby is this Saturday. Do i give a fuck?

That's it!
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Friday, February 27th, 2009

Time:2:21 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
Music:"Complicated" by Avril Lavigne.

Dimmit Janelle! Happy now? Lol…

What can I say?

I was laid off from Target exactly a month ago today. They brought us into a room at 8:45am, and by 9am our passwords didn’t work anymore. It was quite amazing actually. The part that pissed me off the most though was how long they’ve had to have known that they were going to do it. WEEKS in advance. They saw us walking around. Working hard. Knowing good and well that they could have just said “Hey guys, take it easy. You’ll be out of here in minute anyways..” I mean, nobody even took over our projects. They just stopped. We just disappeared. But the 5 colored people in the program were PUMPED. Shit, we went out to eat and spent the rest of the day playing video games and having a good time. We knew it was coming. Target people are so fake. We could see the desperation in their eyes when they smiled and told us everything was fine. We had been polishing up our resumes for weeks. I’m not even kidding. We all wanted it anyways. I wanted to move back home. Brianna wanted to move to Chicago. James to Florida, and Aurelius is actually considering joining the military. All those pilgrims were in the room crying, and we were trying our darndest not to laugh.

With all that being said, I am moving back home. I got a job offer to work for a smaller private company in Louisville, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. They’re showing it getting back to me with the official offer and salary information, but I’m not worried. I know I’ll be taking a pay cut. But a paycheck is a paycheck. Plus, I’m convinced that everything happens for a reason. There is no way that I could have gotten this job in Louisville without coming to Minneapolis and learning what I had to from Target. I am working for a company called Rivermine. They create solutions for Telecom Expense Management. The same shit that I was doing for my project with Target. I’m so excited about moving home. YAY! I am kinda bummed about leaving my peeps here. All 4 of them! But, we’ve already decided that we’re gonna have a yearly reunion. It was my idea, so guess who was elected to organize all of them? Yours truly.

I’ve become really interested in buying a house. And thanks to Target and their severance, I just might be able to. I’m getting $10,000 cash. Sounds like the beginning of a kick ass down payment if you ask me. There is this awesome house that my church owns, and it’s just perfect, except for the fact that they don’t know if they actually want to sell it, or just rent it. They’re very interested in the notion of me RENTING the house for $1100 a month. My response: HELL to the NAW! That’s when I really became interested in buying. Like, if I’m going to shell out that much money, then I might as well be paying a mortgage. And if I’m not paying a mortgage, then I should get me a cheap-ass apartment and save the rest of the money so that I can buy a house NEXT year. But hopefully the church will let me rent-to-own the house. Kinda the best of both worlds.

Since I’m not working, I decided to take an impromptu trip home for two weeks. It was great. I spent the first week in Lexington with Albert. We had an awesome Valentine’s Day. He made me breakfast, and bought me flowers and candy. We went to see “He’s Just Not That Into You” and it was GREAT. I would even pay to go see it again. It honestly became one of my top 5 favorite movies. Seriously. I’m all about endings that tie up loose strings, and this one did perfectly. Then we went to TGI Friday’s, which I realized is my favorite restaurant. I just love it. And we got our special waiter. And because of him and his glorious hookups, we got $60 worth of food for $18. Overall GREAT experience. Then we went over to our friend’s house for a couple’s game night. We were clearly the best couple there. I’m just saying..

I spent the next week in Louisville mostly hanging out with my mom. She ain’t too bad. Plus, I found out that my cousin Rush bought P90X, so I get to do it without paying all that money! Yay! I did great with my eating while in Lexington, but in Louisville, I fell apart. I put on about 13 pounds, but since being back home, I’ve worked my butt off, and I’m only 4 pounds up. And I’m switching up my diet next week, so I’m feeling good.

Ashlee’s a bitch for starting another blog and not letting me know. That’s all I have to say about that. Anybody talk to WJ lately?

Ok, I'm out.

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Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Subject:I feel guilty...
Time:9:28 pm.
Mood: guilty.
Music:nothing, actually....

The only reason i'm posting is because I feel guilty. And bored... I haven't posted in a long ass time, and janelle hasn't even bugged me, but I knew I was wrong for not posting for such a long time. So, here I am.

Christmas break was great. It took Albert and me 21.5 hours to drive home. Literally through one of the worst ice storm in Indiana history. ain't that a bitch...

Seeing The Core was great. We all give really good gifts (big ups to WJ for getting me EXACTLY what I asked for).

Albert left on New Year's Day. That sucked. I got pulled into some drama when my mom found out how much money I spent on him for Christmas. She went into that whole "do you think he's just using you?" thing. Which I though was really crappy because she's known him for YEARS and ain't never said nothing a day in her life till now. I mean, first Amber, then The Core, and now her too? Who can just be happy for me? I don't really give a fuck though. it's just annoying. It made Albert upset too. It's insulting to suggest that he's the type of person to do something like that. I mean, my mama didn't raise me to use people, so what's that saying about how he was raised? what's that saying about his family and his morals? And what's that say about me? that my mama didn't teach me how to read people, and how to trust in myself. That's insulting to her as well.

Ok you guys, here it comes: Target is starting to get on my nerves a little. I know right, I can't believe I actually said it. But, it's not so much the company as a whole, as this part i'm in right now. I started a new rotation 5 weeks ago, and it's just not the same. The people are more uptight and different. And it's that way for all my friends' bosses. Like, they wanna know where we are, what time we come in, when we leave, when we leave our desk, who we meet with, blah blah blah... I mean.. QUIT MICROMANAGING!! As long as i get my work done, leave me the fuck alone. My last team was awesome, so i can't say that i hate the company, i just can't wait to move on to something different.

I'm going to try going to church this saturday. I don't really wanna go to church on Sunday because it clashes with my workout schedule. Plus, I know i need to go to church. So i'll just try it out. It's a place called Living Word Christian Center. One of those mega churches. Just what I need. I've determined that I like to be a face in the crowd instead of going to a place where EVERYBODY knows you (and your business). But that just reminded me that I have to get a Bible. I haven't had one in so long. I'm a bad person.

I've decided to join Weight Watchers. Target just started this new program where if you go to 10 meetings, they reimburse you for half your costs. So, I'll basically be able to join for 3 months for $60. I've come to terms with the fact that i have issues with food. I gained around 11 pounds during the holidays. I undid nearly half of my progress. Yeah, I can eat like a soldier when i'm on plan, but when i give myself freedom, i sometimes eat till i get sick. till i can't eat anymore. upwards of 4000 calories a day. i mean, you guys saw how many meatballs i ate at the Christmas party. That was NOT normal. I'm hoping WW will help me view food differently. The least I can do is give it 10 weeks.

Amber is studying for the GMAT. She says she wants to get her MBA just like me. Surprise, surprise.

Ok, I'm out.

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Blurty for Autumn.

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