it's a wonderful life   
10:43am 21/05/2004
mood: blank
music: gang of four
Or so they say...
I feel so very empty right now. I have been making myself so busy the past few weeks, with moving house, sorting the garden, getting my old room ready for my brother to move into....
Now it's all settling down and I feel like I have nothing. Nothing has changed. My life is still the same shitty life as it has always been, but now I don't even have the security of being at home.
I feel like a complete fraud though. I have no reason to be unhappy, plenty of people would be grateful to have my life.... so why do I feel so depressed?
My life just seems so pointless right now, and not worth living. I am not actively suicidal. I am not anything. I am just empty and numb and wondering why the hell I am stilll here.
This scares me because there is no part of me making a decision on whether I want to live or die... I have just given up and I don't care what happens to me. I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow.
One of the first things I took over to the new flat was my stash of pills and razor blades. And that is just so sad. The most important things to me are the things that can do me the most harm.
I feel like cutting now.... cutting and cutting and not stopping.
I want to hurt myself so much and it has been so long since I felt like this. I have felt down and cut myself of course, but it has been a long time since the desire to do it has been this strong. I feel that if I don't do it then something so terrible is going to happen... but I don't know what.
I need to cut and hurt myself so that my head will become clearer and I can get on with doing all the things I am supposed to be doing like food shopping and writing essays and going to work.
I just wanted a normal life but I have prevented myself from ever having one.
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tum te tum   
02:10pm 12/05/2004
mood: confused
music: nothing
i figured i had better write in here as I haven't been online for so very long.
i don't have much to say. everything is the same as ever.
i got a new phone. for no reason.
I also got a letter from the occupational health people saying i have to go for an interview with one of the advisors about my uni application. I have a feeling that this doesn't bode well.
oh well
everything else in my life gets ruined, so why shouldn't this.
I am trying to keep busy, and make things be ok, but they aren't. nothing is ok. ever
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tum te tum   
02:10pm 12/05/2004
mood: confused
music: nothing
i figured i had better write in here as I haven't been online for so very long.
i don't have much to say. everything is the same as ever.
i got a new phone. for no reason.
I also got a letter from the occupational health people saying i have to go for an interview with one of the advisors about my uni application. I have a feeling that this doesn't bode well.
oh well
everything else in my life gets ruined, so why shouldn't this.
I am trying to keep busy, and make things be ok, but they aren't. nothing is ok. ever
01:27pm 21/04/2004
mood: blank
music: christina aguilera. HA
I am so truly falling apart right now.
I can see it happening. It's like I am watching someone else... I can see the things that I am not coping with, I can see my stupid defense mechanisms starting up and I am watching myself crumble.
Could this have happened at a worse time?
I am going to end up cracking up completely. I can't see psychiatrists again, I just can't do this now. I am just about to start Uni... they'll never have me if I am like this.
If only I can just hang on pretending for a little while longer. At least til the course starts. Maybe I'll have more chance if I am already there.

Who am I kidding? I am taking the prozac that Mike gave me. Like THAT'S gonna help. I figured even if it doesn't make me feel better it might make me lose some weight.
I can't sleep at the moment either. I wake up 2 or 3 times a night and I just cannot get back to sleep once I have woken up. The other day I had about 4 hours sleep before going to work, and then college.
I am just exhausted.

The slightest little things upset me and bring me down, and all I can think about is cutting and od'ing and just messing myself up so completely that someone will HAVE to help me.

I am drifting away from everyone because I am just not interested in anything anymore. I need someone to keep me afloat but I am too selfish. No-one wants to help me because I just push them away the whole time.

Nothing makes sense in my head any more. I am on this big self destructive downwards spiral and there is no way to get off. I just have to ride it out til the end.
And when I get off there will be nothing left.
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i am so modern that everything is pointless   
07:57pm 18/04/2004
mood: indifferent
music: manics. The Holy Bible
rock n roll suicide. i wish
I just can't seem to find the words I need anymore... I can't express how I feel, so instead it just all stays bottled up inside me. I walk around and I feel alienated from the world. I don't belong anywhere.
I walk through crowded shopping centres and it feels like I am not even there. I can't see anything, I just wander randomly and I can't make myself understand what I am doing there.
Sometimes I feel like I am invisible and no-one can see me, I don't exist. And yet at other moments it seems as if everyone is laughing at me.
It's this contradiction that is so constant, it gnaws away at me and confuses me, and I feel like I can't tell anyone because why would they believe me when I am telling them 2 totally different stories?
I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is anything I can do. I am falling and there is no longer anything to catch me. I have lost what was left of my safety net and all I can see is the deep, dark bottom of this abyss looming towards me as I hurtle downwards in a never-ending spiral.
I have no interest in anything any more. Nothing brings me joy, nothing makes me smile; but equally nothing makes me cry. I am totally and utterly unfeeling. I drift along in a daze, vaguely aware of what I "should" be doing but uncaring as to whether or not I do it. There seem to be no consequences now. Or maybe I don't care about them.
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more boring-ness   
01:06pm 14/04/2004
mood: nostalgic
random random random
I don't really have anything to say. Actually, that's a lie. I have tons of stuff to say, things that I should get off my chest and write down... but somehow I just can't find the words.
It's all in my head and it's driving me mad but I can't seem to get it out.
I still have no word from Uni on whether my occupational health report has been ok... am getting slightly worried...
Another lie!
I am actually not bothered at all. A few months ago I was desperate to get into Uni, I couldn't wait to go. Now I just don't care. I can't find any interest in anything at all. People tell me that I should go back to the GP, the Psychiatrist... they see this as a problem, but is it? All the time I have been seeing doctors and shrinks and on meds and all the rest of it I have never seen myself as having a problem. Everyone is like this... aren't they? I can't go to the doctor if I don't think I have a problem.


I just wish I could enjoy things again. Like I used to.
pink pink pink   
11:58am 08/04/2004
mood: frustrated
music: international noise conspiracy
Well, today I am wearing pink. For a change. It was lovely and sunny driving to my house from B's.
i have new lovely pink stripey tights (m&s kids section!), my pink skirt, pink jumper, new pink hat from the lovely Mark, and pink shoes and my PINK CAR!

Why is it that I can't just like something. I have to get obsessed over it? I can't just have a couple of pink things, EVERYTHING has to be pink. ALL the time.
I can't just like the manics. I have to own every single item ever released on all formats from all countries.

My shrink said I have an obsessive compulsive personality. This apparently differs somewhat from OCD, but is kinda related or something... I wasn't really listening at the time because I was counting the ceiling tiles. How ironic. If only I was joking *sigh*

I am feeling so very insecure right now. Having pretty much moved in with B I hardly spend any time at home now. I miss my room, I miss waking up here every morning, I miss my privacy.
I was so desperate to move out, and now I feel like I wanna come back home.
Is it things like this that make me abnormal? Does everyone feel like that? Most people seem to move out of home and be content to visit once in a while. I just can't seem to cope with it. I always want what I haven't got.
I am really beating myself up over this and I can't get it all straight in my head which just makes me feel horrible inside.

I haven't heard back from occupational health regarding my uni application either. I am so scared they will say that I can't go because of the cutting. What will I do then?
I hate when I am not in control of things. I really really hate it
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car boots   
12:35pm 03/04/2004
mood: aggravated
music: nothing.
so, figured as I need money I would drag B along to a car boot sale today. Hmmm
It was at the school of one of the boys I look after... I figured that seeing as it was a good cause there would be a reasonable amount of people there.
That was my first mistake.
The sale was in the carpark, which holds around 25 cars. It was half full. There was no advertising... nothing.
Sat there for around 2 hours and made approximately £1.50 after we paid £5 to get in.
Totally pointless morning really.

So yeah... this afternoon Mark is coming down to visit, which will be nice. I am not sure how it'll work out though, as B and I are also supposed to be looking at houses this afternoon. Booooooring.
Everything feels very up in the air and I am still feeling uber-anxious.

Looking forward to Mike visiting and spending a few days being very drunken and not having to bother about anything at all. I may even have to take some time off work. Won't that be a shame?

I must now go and drink tea. Or I may well die.
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today today   
01:55pm 01/04/2004
mood: blah
music: manics- know your enemy
Today feels strange.
I feel like I have a ton of stuff to do and not enough time to do it in. In actual fact, I have nothing to do. And plenty of time to do it in.
My rabbit has a poorly leg, but he doesn't seem to mind. I think he may be self-harming, but it's hard to tell under all his fur.

I have nothing worthwhile to say.
I am still trying to sort my car out, which I guess is kind of worrying me. May account for some of my anxious-ness or something. I wish I could go and see these people and talk to them 'til it's sorted out. But no, I have to keep phoning them, waiting for them to phone back, call someone else, wait for them to call back... it's so convoluted and pointless. ARGH

I think perhaps I should just not have a car anymore. Or maybe just murder all the stupid people on the roads who keep running into my beautiful car.
"oh, I didn't see you there. In your giant bright pink beetle which was right in front of my face"

sunny days   
12:16pm 31/03/2004
mood: melancholy
music: britney!
It's all sunny outside today. It felt so nice driving around in my car in the sunshine, felt like I didn't have a care in the world.
But then I remembered, my life. Blah
I almost felt like I used to, when I was little and I could just run around in the sun and not worry about anything at all. I could go where I wanted and do whatever I liked.
I guess I still can to a certain extent. But somehow it isn't quite the same when you're "grown-up".

My word of the day is grandiloquent.
Nothing in my life is grandiloquent... it's all in the gutter.

I am at odds with myself. Half of me happy and content, battling with the anxious, depressed black side.
I wonder which side will win... hmmmmmm
08:17pm 28/03/2004
mood: distressed
music: guns n roses
Not sure how I am feeling right now. very worried about money and stuff, in as much as I have none and I don't know what to do.
Can't seem to summon up the energy to do the job I have let alone find another one to keep me going.

I feel very, very anxious inside and my tummy has been churning a lot. Kind of sick, and worried.
Everything in my life seems so up in the air at the moment, I don't feel secure and I don't feel in control.
These are bad things. When I'm not in control I get anxious and depressed and suicidal and I don't want to be like that. I am scared.
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02:11pm 25/03/2004
mood: contemplative
music: Courtney Love
It's been lovely and sunny today. Was out driving in my car, went down to the VW place to get some bits and pieces and 2 of the blokes came out to admire her :)
It felt nice driving along, by myself, music on, smelling of petrol and engine.... reminded me of when I first learned to drive.
I live in the past, even though all I have are bad memories. Now and then I get a glimpse of how it could have been and I wish that it had turned out differently.
I feel relaxed today, not as tense as I have been for the last couple of weeks. I am still worrying about various things, but overall it's getting a bit better. I worry about how long it will last though, before I am fretting about it all over again and making myself ill.
I am not eating much at the moment which I think is partly why I am feeling better.

I feel beautifully, eternally, empty inside.
04:27pm 24/03/2004
mood: apathetic
music: vintage manics
"Even cheap dreams don't stop the rain"

Sat in town today drinking coffee and watching the world go by. It felt as if I wasn't really there. I am not a part of the world, and I struggle to cope with a reality that I am not equipped to deal with.
There was so much noise and I didn't know what was real and what was just in my head. A misty translucence has fallen over me, clinging to my mind and setting me apart from everyone all the more.
People looked at me, and I could tell that they were thinking that they were glad they weren't me. I was glad I wasn't them.

At college now and it all seems so pointless. Why do I waste my time pretending I can make it change. It will never change.
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11:43am 23/03/2004
  I feel so numb right now. I am going through the motions... doing what I am supposed to do but that is all. I have no feeling, no opinion.
I don't know what I am doing any more. For a little while it seemed that I knew where my life was going, I had a vague plan, but now it's all just disintegrating around me and there is nothing I can do.

The worst part is that I can't interact with the people around me, I have no feelings about anyone whatsoever. I am just totally ambivalent. Nothing makes me laugh, nothing makes me cry. I want to want people, I want to like them and want to be with them, I want to be able to laugh with them. But there is just nothing inside. It's as if I am dead inside. Just a big black hole.

I feel like I am a ghost. No-one can see me. I just float around this world aimlessly, waiting for something... but I don't know what. I need someone to exorcise me, to put me to rest.

I have to go to work this evening and pretend to be happy and normal. Just like I have done for the last 6 years or so... day in day out. My entire life has been a pretence. A series of acts and plays so that no-one will realise that I am not really here, that Claire doesn't exist.
When I write my name is looks odd. It's as if I don't recognise it, it isn't me. And that scares me, because I don't know who I am any more.
03:09pm 17/03/2004
  another diary. i keep making these and never updating them because i forget.

Things are pretty up and down right now. I don't really know what's going on to be honest. The stupidest things reduce me to tears.
Last night I was crying, and I was in bed in the dark. Gradually the cryingg stopped and I could feel myself becoming numb to it all. I still felt the same inside but it was like I had realised that it was pointless to externalise any of my feelings.

Today I still feel kind of numb. I have so many things to sort out and it's all getting on top of me. I have an essay to do for college which is supposed to be in today. I am so worried about my car and everything.
It always gets like this... I am fine for a while but then all these things build up and up and I feel like I can't cope and I'm not in control and I just can't handle it.

I am at home with my mum today, and she is making me tea. maybe it will all be ok