| An answer...? |
[01 Jun 2005|10:12pm] |
When I meditate I get very sleepy afterwards...
But I've been seeing things better. I am reconnecting better.
I just think I might know how to open the Gate...
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| Smooth |
[20 May 2005|12:57am] |
I'm craving more now. More than I ever wanted. I want more from you. I want I want I want....
I'm talking to you. DON' you HEAR me?
Hear ME?!
I'm TALKING to YOU!
I'm talking TO you!
Why art thou......
where are thou......
whom art thou.......
Denscity. Flat. Hard. I cannot penetrate it. I can't get inside. I cannot find shelter. I cannot find. I cannot.
Why the FUCK won't you open your eyes and finally SEE me?
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| Firestorm. |
[18 May 2005|09:33pm] |
I realise that I've burnt many bridges as of late...perhaps the most I have ever burnt in the last 4 years. I have been pretty destructive and thoughtless in my handling of relationships. I sometimes use people.
Sometimes things are just too damaged to fix.
I give up.
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| The Bloody Banks of the Tygaart River |
[12 May 2005|09:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Unknown Love song... |
] |
The rains saturate the dusts of the Gate, revives and resurrects the old life within this old Gate. The smell of life, the wet warm life of Fairmont, raises from it's grave and makes the air thick with it's suffocating vitality. I remember the days when the Unting Bears ran rampant through those hills by the Tygaart River, those days when the Sun would set red and vicious into the Lush, green labyrinths below. Sink and surrender to the Brother of Death, which is Sleep.
Rich thick air, heavy with the waters of life, wrap around me and rot my insides. Make me hollow and empty. Make me flood myself.
From those frozen fields springs the flowers of amorous change, though this time I wonder: who will there to harvest the crops? Who will be there to reap the abundance? Or will these blossoms go to seed, wither in the Sun and decompose. Return to the Earth which gave them life?
Old sex jokes, old love, old obsessions....
Now gone...
And all that is left is a pressed flower, stick between the pages of Nial and Nowhere....
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| Blarg |
[10 May 2005|12:46am] |
I'm getting bored. I know I'm acting like a bitch, but it doesn't fase me right now. I wanna knit some more but these sock I'm knitting are killing me.....
Must knit blanket. Or hat...I'd like to knit a hat.....
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| Base Needs. |
[08 May 2005|12:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Last Words" Zeromancer |
] |
We all need a place to hide. We all need a place to sleep. We all need a place to stay. We all need a place. We all need.
We all....
When the fuck did knitting become the new trendy-feminist thing to do?
I feel dirty everytime I pick up my knitting needles...
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| Silencio |
[02 May 2005|03:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Gloaming" Radiohead |
] |
Now is the time for quiet. Now is the time for reflection and calm serenity.
The timer has been reset, for us anyhow....for those living here in the Gate. I wonder how long this high-wave will last untill I start down the hill again...down again...
I still have panic attacts...I still chew my nails ands my skin, chew my lips and inside of my mouth, fidgit and mutter to myself. The suffocation is wearing off, but I still feel the overhead pressure system.
I hope that I can begin to plan my exodus this summer so that by Fall....
I still wake up sick, I still feel like I'm in trouble, I still feel paranoid....
But it's all receeding quietly....Bitter Bile going down deeper....maybe leaving...
I just don't understand.
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| Guero |
[24 Apr 2005|07:36pm] |
|
If you haven't bought Beck's new album 'Guero'. then I highly suggest you get your ass out to the store and buy it.
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| Never Honey Come Back... |
[22 Apr 2005|11:12pm] |
Like I'm getting drunk right now, okay?
Just drinking and maybe this comming week I'll get backed, all right? Sunday night maybe.
I'm such a paranoid fukcer anymore. Nervous paranoid fuck. FUCK YOU!
Gah, fucking life and shit. I just don't give a fuck. Moonglow can go fuck herself allright? FUCK YOU!
Ooooh shit I need Yeshua right now but he's gone, man....
Gone.
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| Plan A back on track |
[12 Apr 2005|11:56pm] |
|
I've decided to carry on with the original plan that I had back in FSHS before things got interrupted. I don't care anymore because.....
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| A Grue and her Mutt |
[06 Apr 2005|01:06pm] |
Having someone to talk to, someone you can be totally honest with and tell them everything that's bothering you...without being judged or having them try to tell you how to deal with your problems....is a rare comodity these days.
These days, people are too wrapped up in themselves and rushing off to listen.
Sometimes I feel like the only person I have anymore is my mutt, Mr. Woo....
I'm not asking for someone to 'save me' from all this...I just want to talk to someone. Sit down face-to-face and talk.
I don't have that with anyone anymore.
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| Boiling Point |
[03 Apr 2005|11:30pm] |
A vessle can only take so much pressur ebefore it reaches a certain point and therein combusts, spilling its contents and splattering into nothing.
I'm running out of time. We're all running out of time...
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| Time |
[31 Mar 2005|10:52pm] |
Sometimes things and people and ideals run out of time.
I've run out of time.
No, I'm not saying I'm going to die, I've just run out of time.
Or I'm about too....
I don't have much time. Nobody here has much time.
We're all running out of time.
Everyone I know has time, but I don't. I don't think they even suspect that I'm almost out of time. What will happen when I run out? Will they notice? Will they help me? Will they let m blow away into the wind?
No time left for you.
Time's up, Grue.
There's no time left..no time left here at this house. We've wasted it. There's no time! Amd what, prat tell, will become of me.....
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| Last day of Wynter |
[19 Mar 2005|09:25pm] |
Dormant in the Homelands, but only for a short stint. I just needed some time to be alone.
Maybe what mom says will come to pass, but if it does then at least I know what to do about things....
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| Broadcasting |
[14 Mar 2005|12:05am] |
I whisper into a crack in the wall...
A hole in the sky....
I let the wind carry my words away to somewhere else.
I don't know where that is....
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| AWOL |
[12 Mar 2005|08:23pm] |
|
BigDawg, where the fuck are you?? Jesus Christ, I hope he didn't....
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| Hidden Places..... |
[05 Mar 2005|07:13pm] |
I miss the conversations we had, the only regret I have about all this. It's all right, though. It really is.
I'm losing conversation everywhere. When you left, that ended the talking for me to anyone. I cannot talk to you, or Yeshua, the rents, to the Wallman Hall Gang, I cannot talk to anyone because I cannot connect.
I have found a place of deeper seclusion here. A place no one knows but me.
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| Dive, Empire, Dive |
[03 Mar 2005|12:43am] |
The Dive back in always hurts. It always does. 3Jane wants a body, but I want a soul. I living soul.
All this information is becoming clear and available for the first time, flooding into my mind as I go into Input. All revealed. Divine really.
I have found the Source.
--------
It's like cleaning a mirror really. The more I wipe away at the surface the more clearly I can see things, see myself. It all becomes clear about me, you, him, her, it, us, them....
It sickens me at the same time, what I am seeing. All the bile rises to the surface. The old memories. The Hate. I turn into this raging maelstrom of wraith. To destroy. Obliterate. Devour.
I want to devour you.
Saturn swallowing his children.
-----
Conversation dries up
Nothing to say anymore.
David Brynes sums it up...
I'm glad I've got skin, I'm glad I've got eyes
I'm glad I got hips, I'm glad I've got thighs
I'm glad I'm allowed to say the things I feel
I'm glad Igot hair, glad I got ears
I'm glad I got lungs, I'm glad I got tears
Glad that I never ever know what's real
I'm glad I got lost
I'm glad I'm confused
I'm glad I don't know, what I like
I'm glad I got stoned
I'm glad I got high
I'm glad I found out I'm all right
I'm glad when the sex is not so great
I'm glad that I doubt, I know what they say
I'm glad when I get my girlfriends names confused
I'm glad I know how my life will end
I'm glad I don't have no common sense
I'm glad the things are wrong I thought I knew
I'm glad I'm a mess
I'm glad you don't mind
I'm glad you're better than me
I'm glad that I changed
I'm glad I'm not nice
I'm glad it's the way, it must be
I'm glad I can't see beyond myself
I'm glad when the conversation ends
It's good when it's bad, I'm glad it's not -
worrin' me
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| Scarlet Letter |
[01 Mar 2005|08:49pm] |
This ain't no party...
This ain't no Disco...
This ain't no foolin' around....
But hey, it's all right! It's just fucking groovy, man, fucking beautiful....
Fucking A.....
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| Minotaur |
[24 Feb 2005|11:35pm] |
I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here. I don't know what I am trying to do, by keeping her and other reminders around me.
Am I reaching out behind me into the black? Into the passed away reflections?
There's nothing for me there now.
Nothing.
I don't know why I even try to recapture all that. I keep thinking about the Green Room. I keep thinking about the old stones and the water dripping down the slimy moss sides. Pools collecting under the windows.
The damp, the snow, the hissing radiators, the heat the pounding heat.
She isn't going to help me get closer to him. She isn't going to help me because he's gone. I don't know why I even bother. I cut him off. He's dead to me. Dead to us.
We shunned him.
All we need there now in a Minotaur to run through that brick labyrinth. Swinging his double-headed axe, slashing into concrete walls and plaster, roaring as he chased Freshmen on muscled foot....bull-head snorting hot steam.
Sub terrain.
My mother is dying.
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