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Monday, January 19th, 2004
2:14 pm
Wow.. Haven't updated in a while.. Ergh.. I am so fucking bored. I want to do something today.. I dunno if Gina and Nikki are coming over.. I dunno if Dawn and Kasee are coming over.. I need to do something.. Dexter said he'd come over if we could get Andi to come over.. And if I could get them both a ride. Gah, anyway.. I went to Headliner's last night which was okay.. I was on a low all night, though.. I walked there.. It was chilly.. Yeah, Clay called me and was like "You should come to headliner's now." Sooo.. I called my mom and told her I had a ride there and back. She said I could go. Yeah, so I couldn't feel my feet or my nose be the time I got there. It was cool. So yeah, Clay and Monica and Kasee and Jeremiah and Lee and Sharelle and some Jason guy were there. It was cool.. Then Dawn came later-ish. Scorch was AWESOME. The best band. Then there were little kids. Lmao, the oldest one was 13!!! It was sweetass! I called them the Mindless Midgets, but they were really Mindless Mischeif. Yeah.. Living Dead isn't that great.. I don't really like them at all. So not my kinda music. Man, I hate when these "Goth" kids say that they like a band because of the music but we ALL know that they only like the band for their appearance. I fucking hate hypocrites. Growr.. Anyway.. I was on a low all day yesterday.. And I was depressed that no one wanted to hang on me.. -_- It was sad.. I felt left out.. eh.. I always do.

Ergh.. I'm feeling quite a bit vulnerable right now.. Someone hold me.. Tell me it'll all be better.. Tell me you're there for me forever.. I need someone to help me today.. I need someone to lift me up.. I need someone to believe in me.. Even when I don't believe in myself or anything around me.. All I need is help.. I need to get through another day.. Cradle my frail heart in your hands and keep it warm.. Your warmth is all I need to pull through.. Tell me you love me and will always be there.. Tell me I'm special to you.. Tell me I'm good.. Tell me you want to be around me.. And that the person I am is amiable.. Likeable.. Ugh..

Why do all the guys I get involved with only want to fuck me? Some guys are so fucking dumb.. The girls are cool, other than the completely psychotic part. Man, all my exes are horrible.. I always pick the worst possible choices.. The ones I either have no chance with whatsoever or the ones who fuck me over completely.. Rip my heart out.. Stomp on it.. Piss on it.. Rub it in the dirt and throw it into the street for cars to run over.. And then politely place it back into my chest. I think I'm done for now.. Ergh. -sigh- I need something new to do.

-Sara-

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
1:29 am
Argh. So I hear that a LOT of people are coming to my party ^_____^!!!!! That's fucking AWESOME. My parties usually suck, but not this time!!! Yay! Rox said she's gonna come over early and help make food and shit. This is gonna be sweet ass! Yay! Buuuttt.... My dad yelled at me today.. for 'not doing anything around the house.' Uh, pardon me, but why didn't you make me clean up more when I was little instead of doing everything for me so I'm lazy as fuck?! ARGH. And my computer's being mean to me.. But my kitten is suuuch a sweetheart! I named him January. ^_^ I LOVE him. Bizhotch. This is gonna be sweeeeeeet. Oh.. And the whole Zac thing.. I like him. He doesn't like me. Simple as that. Oh well, forget and move on, I suppose. Hard to do while he's in a film I'm directing, though. Argh. My ankle's fucking up again.. It's hurting like a bitch. LMAO That reminds me of something Jada said. She was sitting at lunch and looked at me and said "Can I drool on yer floor? She's flowin like a river and I have no dike or no dam." LMAO. Say it with a scottish accent and you're good to go! Lmfao. I love that. Anyway, I got a buncha shit hung up in my room finally.. My Marilyn Manson poster <333333333. I love it to death. I would fuck him so quick. He's hot as fuck. Seriously. Well, anyway, STINA CAN COME TO MY PARTY!!!! YAYAYYAYAYAYYY!!! She almost had to babysit tomorrow, but now she's coming to my party! Anyway.. She got me a GREAT x-mas present!!! It's a playboy bunny pajama set.. a tank top and chones! ^_^ I love it so much! Well.. I think I'm off to bed.. More cleaning in the morning.. Rawrargh. Nuh Nighty Night!

<3 Scara-

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Friday, December 26th, 2003
11:23 am
MIMA'S SPENDING THE WEEKEND. And I got a video camera for xmas.. Therefore we shall make an independant film. =D It'll be great. Zac said he'll star. I think I'll have my friend Jessica be in it. Therefore she can drive us to the graveyard to film some stuff. This is gonna be great. I got awesome shit fer xmas! Video camera, automatic camera, movies (jay and silent bob strike back, dogma, and girl, interuppted), i got a $50 giftcard to hot pocket (i mean hot topic), $50 giftcard to the mall, and $25 giftcard to Barnes and Noble <3333, I got makeup, $60, and...? OH. black and white arm-warmers. They're sweetness. Dude, i had my necklace with the padlock on and i forgot my keys @ my mom's so i couldn't take it off. I had to have my dad cut it off with boltcutters. lmao i had a huge rash on my neck. lmao. it was funny, but my neck STILL hurts. lmao. MIMA'S COMING!!!!!!!!! =D! I heart her more than anything.
So yeah. Why do all the people from ftj that IM me have to be old, jocks, or ugly as fuck?! ew, that bothers me. Yeah, so Mima needs to get here. Jesus, I'm boreeddddd. ergh. i woke up at ten. i still gotta shower. I need a shower!! Urgh. Boredom. Well, i think i'm gonna go.

I need someone to help me through the day. I need someone to hold me, to care for me, to love me. I need someone. And I know who I need. ='( I hope he realizes it. Somehow I doubt it.

I LOVE YOU. I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.

-Sara-

::sigh::

current mood: Needy.
current music: Uhm, some show on T.V? I'm not paying attention.

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Thursday, December 18th, 2003
9:10 pm
So.. Yeah.. Uh.. Where do I start? Today John IMs me with "To be perfectly honest, i miss you." me: ".. I miss you too.." Him: "Sometimes I wish I never broke up with you.. I don't know.."
wtf? This information would have been useful a while ago.. Anyway.. Mima's not coming back after friday.. Unless she moves in with me. HOPEFULLY I can talk my mom into it.. HOPEFULLY. But yeah.. It's like a huge part of me is being torn out.. The same would be put into action if Nikki F. or Gina left me.. I'd fucking DIE. I don't know.. I took like 5 zoloft's this morning.. i felt so weird.. I don't really know how to describe it.. It's so fucking indescribable.. And this kid I'm talking to now is cool.. he's awesome. I dare not speak his name.. I dare not. And I'm proabably joining a band soon.. with the guy i'm talking to.. I met him off of ftj.. i LOVE that site.


SO MY DAD IS PEEVED AT ME. For NO GOOD REASON. He comes over today and says "are you coming to my house?" and I said "Mom wanted me to stay here tonight because she's gonna be gona all weekend." He says "Well, I WAS gonna have you watch Jace.. While I go to my xmas party.." I'm like "don't you tell ME to plan ahead?" he said "I DID plan ahead, but then you said you weren't gonna watch Jace." I said "YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME!!!"

HONESTLY I DON'T FUCKING GET HOW HE HAS THE RIGHT TO GET ANGRY WITH ME!!!!!! I can't fucking stand this shit.. I get so upset about simple things cuz I'm very sensitive to other's pain.. I'm very empathetic.. And I can't stand when people are sad.. Therefore I'm always sad.. There are SOME times that I am truly happy.. SOME times.. I'm about to go call Zac, so yeah.. peas, yO

-sara-
I have to go now.. Be bored and shit..

current mood: indescribable
current music: AHC * Just So You Know

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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
9:17 pm
I'm fucking tired of being lied to. FUCKING SICK OF IT. People can go to hell. That's all there is to it. Minus a few people. If we had these people in the world, it'd be a much more manageable place..:
x Gina
x Nikki F.
x Greg
x Nikki T.
x Dan M.
x Mima
x Haneen
x Emily
x Stephanie

Everyone else can FUCK OFF. I mean it. I'm so sick of human interaction. Humans are good for VERY few things. Fucking, eating, killing, shitting, dying.

I'M FUCKING DONE.

current mood: annoyed
current music: Do you think I'm a whore * KITTIE

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Monday, December 15th, 2003
8:47 pm
Duuuuuuuuuude.. Nikki's b-day party was on last saturday. IT WAS GREAT! Dan and Nikki and Me and Robby and Stina and Heather and Kyle and Sara Smith and Randy! It was so fucking AWESOME! I have to call Gina because she was sick today and there's a test she missed today. Anyway.. There's just so much shit going on.. My mom STILL doesn't believe that I have a problem paying attention. FUCK HER. I'm in a bad mood.. I was in a good mood for a little while earlier when I gave some people their x-mas presents.. But that went away all too quickly.
-sigh- my mom and brother are always fighting. ALWAYS. they fucking piss me off. Fighting ALL day. GAH! And they WONDER why I never want to be home. I need to get out and do something. I feel like such a fucking loser! I feel so lonely all the time.. Even when in a group of people. Isolated from them.. like they don't even wanna talk to me.. let alone look @ me.
i'm so sick of being in the house. I get my temps this month! maybe when i get my license, i'll FINALLY be able to go places! not ride the bus! yayayayayayyy! well, i'm off to be a loser and surf the web! peas

-sara-

current mood: lonely
current music: United States of Whatever by Liam Lynch

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Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
3:38 pm
FUCKNAY. i FINALLY get to get psych tests done. For ADD/ADHD. hopefully they can make me fucking concentrate. they meaning ANYONE. UGH. I try and i try and i try. NOTHING WORKS. i told my mom this, and she simply laughed at me. fuck her. i wouldn't even live here if not for the whole district thing. i love whitmer. i will NOT go to woodward. ARGH. i am in a bad mood. i put my pen through my ear hole thingie today.. it was cool. anyway, i'm out.

current mood: blank
current music: dunno.. brad's music.....

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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
9:53 pm
UGH. I wish I were brain dead sometimes.. I'm tired of being the friend. So tired of it.. Everyone says that they are there for me, yet no one even calls me to see how I'm doing. SOUND WEIRD? I think so. I'm so fuckin pissed off.. 'Yes, Sara. I'm your best friend and I am always here for you! (yet I will never call to check up on you or ask you to hang out with me outside of school).' I LOVE YOU TOO. URGH. People piss me off sooo much. The few people I can tell things too.. Well, I can't tell all of them everything.. because some things have to either do with them, or have some material that should never reach their ears. And I'm still searching for a long-term relationship. I'm not lookin for some one week fling.. Those are mindless, and I hate them. I have to go.. Bye.

current mood: pessimistic
current music: Dimmu Borgir * Burn In Hell

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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
10:02 pm - Fuck you.
-sigh- I don't know. People seem to enjoy throwing me off-kilter. I went to RAY tonight, which was awesome, but I feel unaccepted for some reason.. There are maybe 4 people there who really talk to me. Jennel, Kolt, Bobby, and Chris. I did a touch-up job on Jennel's hair today. I'm so out of it lately. All the thoughts that are coming into my head so fast that they are completely jumbled up so that I can barely write them down. I miss my old life. Life when I used to think that boys had cooties. Life when I swam in a baby pool in the backyard. Life when mommy loved daddy. Ugh. I hate thinking. "I want you to spit when you see me. And if you don't I'm gonna spit on you. I love it when they hate me..." I wish I could just quit something when I want to. Stop doing things that hurt me. Stop doing things that hurt other people. STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING STUPIDASS.

Whew.. anyway.. Ugh.. I hate people. All they do is spread rumors and reproduce. They piss and they eat. Piss, eat, fuck, die. That's what humans do. Oh, and make other humans feel inadaquate. Stupid fucks always have to be the best. GUESS WHAT, FUCKFACE! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT!!!!! Fuckin ignorant pricks. Shit.. I hate how people can think that they are so GREAT. FILTHY HUMANS SUCK MY MOTHER FUCKING TITS.

I'm in a really pissed off mood.. Go figure. I've been out of it all week.. And over 15 people are online.. yet NO ONE is talking to me. Yeah. Mmhm. Anyway, I think I'm gonna go.. Maybe.. just MAYBE do some homework so I don't fucking fail ALL my fucking classes. MOTHER FUCK.

current mood: pissed off
current music: Kittie * Brackish

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Monday, December 1st, 2003
3:51 pm
HE DUMPED ME FOR A FUCKIN PREP. AND A FRESHMAN NONETHELESS. GAH! WTF WAS I THINKING?!?!?! WHY DID I GO OUT WITH HIM?!?! HE LIKES PREPS AND SMALL CHILDREN. EEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!

current mood: enraged
current music: Dope * Now or Never

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Saturday, November 29th, 2003
11:26 am
we're celebrating thanksgiving today. later, stina's probably spending the night. we're gonna go to her sister's if we can. It'll be fun. we'll drink. yea. that's all for now. i miss everyone.

current mood: awake
current music: Echo * Incubus

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11:26 am
we're celebrating thanksgiving today. later, stina's probably spending the night. we're gonna go to her sister's if we can. It'll be fun. we'll drink. yea. that's all for now. i miss everyone.

current mood: awake
current music: Echo * Incubus

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11:26 am
we're celebrating thanksgiving today. later, stina's probably spending the night. we're gonna go to her sister's if we can. It'll be fun. we'll drink. yea. that's all for now. i miss everyone.

current mood: awake
current music: Echo * Incubus

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Friday, November 28th, 2003
5:38 pm
JUNK. family's in town. mediocre feeling. no more me and john. going to my best friend Stina's famliy reunion thingie tonight.. it'll be fun.. maybe we'll drink.. not sure. dance thingie. anyway. say more later.

current mood: complacent
current music: ;alwkrgha[worihagr

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Monday, November 17th, 2003
8:34 pm
Twiztid Wrong With Me lyrics
Leave me all alone,
There ain't nobody callin on my telephone,
Because I ripped that bitch right up outta the wall,
I apologize to any of y'all that tried to call.
I haven't been myself lately,
I been slowly losin my mind
And tell 'em it's gravy.
I'm lookin hella shady
And I haven't showered in weeks
I haven't washed my balls,
I haven't brushed my teeth.
All I see is demons everywhere that I look
Was it the Ouija, the Black Magic, or The Warlock Book?
I can't remember!
But how can my memories leave me?
I can't believe the spirits would try to recieve me!
But they did, just like a little kid
I was so eager to learn, so willin to give
But all they did was hate me and break me
Used my body for a host,
And my mirror for the gateway!


Something...is wrong with me...
I can't be who I need to be...
Something...is wrong with me...
Will it last for eternity?
Something...is wrong with me...
I can't be who I need to be...
Something...is wrong with me...
Will it last for eternity?


<*>Please don't walk away,
I want you to hear what I gotta say.
I never had anyone ever care for me,
I never had anyone ever there for me.
If you would listen to me instead of callin me names,
I would explain why I'm shakin and I'm goin insane.
My mind is on vacation,
Like a conversation,
I'm like a radio, with static on every station.
Still I wanna know will I be normal again
You say it's bullshit and tell me that it's all pretend
But if it's false then why don't the demons just disapear?
And if it's untrue then why am I seein them crystal clear?
Because I do, the mirror is turnin blue.
And soul after soul keeps walkin right through.
They're livin in my house and livin inside my head,
Some sleep inside the closet, others sleep under the bed.


Something...is wrong with me...
I can't be who I need to be...
Something...is wrong with me...
Will it last for eternity?
Something...is wrong with me...
I can't be who I need to be...
Something...is wrong with me...
Will it last for eternity?


All i wanted to be,
Was a member of a family with unity.
but the people thats a lie because they stab you straight in the back,
and throw a stick in the spokes and flip you off of the track.
If it wasn't for Monoxide and Violent J,
that nigger Jack, Shaggy 2 Dope, and blaze ya dead homie,
I probably woulda given up and called it quits,
I probably wouldn't be here i probably wouldn't be shit!
I find my self looken back in the glass,
and reminice all the times of the present and past.
Im feelen strange, I wonder if they can save me,
Im feelen cold I'm standen in front of the gateway.
Here i am, i'm such a crazy man,
Im tryen to controll my life the best that i can.
But the demons are around me tryen to strey me away,
I thank God that im standed right here today.


Something...is wrong with me...
I can't be who I need to be...
Something...is wrong with me...
Will it last for eternity?
Something...is wrong with me...
I can't be who I need to be...
Something...is wrong with me...
Will it last for eternity?







-sigh-

<*> = the part John said reminded him of me.. anyway.. I'm sitting here listening to music being all pessimistic.. I'm sad.. No, i'm going to hide it. No one shall know that I am still sad. I am happy! See? I'm happy! this song makes me just think of him. BUT I'M HAPPY.

My brother's packed up and gone. No call. No goodbye. No nothing. His ex-g/f might be preggy. He hasn't tried to get a hold of me to tell me he's okay.. I'm really really worried about him. Becky calls me all the time to update and shit..

I'm so sad.. if i bburst out crying, it's not because of john.. although that didn't help anything. I really like him.. and from what i got out of what he told me, he really likeD me.. unless he was lying.. =( People were telling not to go out with him.. They were telling me that he'd dump me.. They were telling me that he always has a different girlfriend.. I thought he was right for me.. That he'd be different.. I guess not.. I guess I'm just the rebound chick. That's all I've ever been.. All I'll ever be.. why do i try? i don't know. i don't know why i constantly put myself up there to be knocked out and trampled on.. I'm so sick of all this shit, yet I continue to go through it every day.

Anyway.. I'm "such a worthless a little fuck."

<3 Name withheld for reasons of worthlessness.

current mood: pessimistic
current music: I love to say FUCK * Murderdolls

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3:52 pm
he broke up with me. i like him sooo much and he broke up with me.

current mood: crushed
current music: my breath.. when will it stop?

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Friday, November 14th, 2003
4:44 pm
FUCK, i just wrote the longest FUCKING post and it got fuckedup.

Here's a brief run through:
- i really like john.. feel "right" with him
- in a depresseded mood again
- he can't go to the mall today
- supposeda hang out with him on sunday..
- going to the mall hopefully
- jessica and roxy are coming over and i'm piercing jess's ear
- me n mima are cool again
- and so on..

I'm out..

current mood: disappointed
current music: some shit. i derno.

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
8:50 pm
=D. I love Gina. AS A FRIEND. She's the greatest thing ever. She's the bestest friend I ever had! I swear.. She doesn't know how much she means to me.. seriously. She's the only one who's really there for me all the time. She think that since I have a boyfriend, I'm going to forget about her. I could NEVER forget about her. I think she's so awesome! I look up to her sooo much! Ugh.. I'm getting all.. bleh. Anyway, I really care for her. Even if she thinks she is a loser, I think she's the coolest person alive.

Moving on.. Getting a little "e mow shun al" here..

Today was soup night. With the soup. lol John came. Yea. We had fun. =D. AAAAAAAnyways..

My mom makes the best soup. Lol.. Anyways.. That's about all for today.. Oh, and Jennel and I have a lot in common! lol. Alright.. I'm done. Step away from the magic.

<33 Sara Seduce-Me

current mood: indescribable
current music: Please Don't Hate Me * ICP

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Monday, November 10th, 2003
8:56 pm - FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
Okay, so my brother's completely fucked up my chance for a nice, relaxing, fun-filled week. So his ex-girlfriend calls me and asks me about him.. He told her that he has lung cancer and has been going to a clinic about it. He has no lung cancer. At all. Then she tells me that my brother and her ex-boyfriend were the only people that knew where she hid her money.. And now it's all gone. Someone broke into her house, who knew where the money was, and took it. There was $2000. So now, I'm fucking pissed, cuz she's an AWESOME girl. Her mom called the cops, and I hope my brother gets busted. She told me that she came over yesterday to talk to Brad, and she confronted him about everything and he denied it and got upset that she suspected it was him.. She told me he pinned her against a door trying to calm her down.. I'm fucking terrified of my brother when he's angry. He used to be really really violent towards me.. physical and mental abuse over years and years.. I can't fucking get rid of the memories.. I wish I could.. And I couldn't get a hold of John when he told me to call, so I'm a little upset about that.. I mean.. he went to the show tonight and shit.. So I won't see him until tomorrow.. I'm so fucking upset.. Gina's one of the best friends I ever had. She's so fucking awesome. And yes, I do think I'm fat and ugly and annoying and a little piss-on. The thoughts were put into my head when I was young, and I can't get them out. My brother put them there. He stole my toys, and made me cry. I resent him for everything he's done to my family. And with that.. my mom got my interum report thingie. An F in geometry.. How do they seriously think I can deal with this shit at home, AND keep passing grades. This is fucking with my head soooo bad.. I can't be expected to be wonderwoman. And everyone wants to be pleased. How can I please them all? Gina told me I should move in with her.. I want to sooo bad.. But my parents would be hurt.. they wouldn't understand. They always say stuff like "I know it's hard to do things right now, but I know you can do it." and "you're smarter than this. You can get a passing grade. I know you can. You just need to try harder." The tiniest things upset me.. I mean.. it's SOO hard for me to concentrate on anything anymore.. I can't concentrate on anything I try and do. I live in fear. I'm afraid of what I can do.. I'm afraid of people.. I'm afraid of everything.. yet I'm not afraid of anything..

"I'm not afraid with the gun in my hand.. I'm just afraid it'll hurt like hell."

I'm going to take a bath.. Hopefully it'll make me feel better.. =/

>Scara

current mood: infuriated
current music: Adam's Song * Blink 182

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3:16 pm - aWERGQAWERH
So I go out with John!!! Yay! He's such a sweetheart! I reeaallllyy like him!!! He's so awesome! AAAAAAAAnyways.. So I thought Gina's friend Hanneen hated me.. I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG! She really likes me! Yay! There's a show tonight- Dope.. Headliner's.. $13.. 8pm. I hope I can go.. John's going.. Greg's going.. Lee's going.. I'm not sure who else.. Anyway, I really hope I can go =D. Well, My mom wants me offline, so yea..

<33 Scara Seduce-Me

current mood: ecstatic
current music: Wrong with me * Twiztid

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