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Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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2:44 am
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"Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my load is light."
I often see the first part of this verse quoted, "Come to me. . . and I will give you rest." It's always amazed me that they stop there. From the first, I noticed that yoke. It may be easy and the load light but it's still a yoke.
This passage popped into my head while I was taking my bath today. It's been a long time since I automatically bristled at the thought of a yoke. Everything has a price and I've learned that the greater the gain, the greater the price. I can accept that.
current mood:  content
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| Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
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6:04 pm
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'Many of us spent our first twenty years learning the ways of the wounded; the next twenty were spent healing those wounds. The healings took innumberable twists and turns. Now, turning forty, we've begun to weave together painful experience and joyful expression into a certain balance, an evenness.'
from the introduction to "Coming into Our Fullness: On Women Turning Forty", a book of interview s and photographs by Cathleen Rountree
Thank you, lissa, for this book. It is a wonderful gift that I will treasure.
current mood:  touched
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| Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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6:04 pm
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Dinner is cooking . . . . another piecemeal creation that takes everyone's particular tastes into account. Simply it is pasta but there is marinara sauce (for Christopher and lissa), cheese sauce (for everyone), and meatballs (for Christopher, patricia and me). At the proper time, everyone's individual plate gets assembled.
I slept last night . . . really slept . . . for the first time in longer than I can remember. It's been frustrating. Until this last year, my sleep disorder had not reared it's head in nearly a decade. Living with it again was not only frustrating in itself but brought back memories of the years of barely being able to get thru each day because I never slept. I know it will take more than a good night's sleep to get myself back on track . . in fact, it will probably take several months. . . but it's a start. We'll see how I sleep tonight but if I don't sleep well, I will find a doctor tomorrow to get something to help. I know my sleeping is the first step to getting really healthy again.
It feels a lot safer at home now. It helps to finally pull into consciousness why I've been so uncomfortable in my own home. That plus some other changes have really made a difference.
This weekend with kitty also helped my comfort level. I knew going into it that I was a very good mistress for kitty. I was very comfortable in my interactions with her. What I wasn't so comfortable with was myself as a dominant in general. Interacting with other dominants made me realize that I am really very good at this and that it is more than just a way to define my relationship with kitty. I'm still integrating a lot of what happened but already there is a difference in some day to day things.
On a less than happy note I find myself really missing kitten. I was in the habit of chatting with her most evenings as well as reading her daily live journal. Since she hasn't had access to her computer since arriving in California, I've missed those hours of conversation and reading her daily ramblings.
After dinner is band and then off to Jeff's for the tail end of Bad Movie Night (without a bad movie). I'm really looking forward to both.
current mood: content
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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3:27 pm
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Love's The Only House
(Tom Douglas/Buzz Cason and sang by Martina McBride)
I was standing in the grocery store line
The one they marked express
When this woman came through with about 25 things
And I said don't you know that more is less
She said this world is moving so fast
But I just get more behind with every day
And every morning when I make my coffee
I can't believe my life's turned out this way
All I could say was
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
He was walking by the other day and I said
Hey baby how you been?
Yeah I got me a little girl now and she's 4 years old
And she's got her daddy's little grin
And you only want what you can't have
And baby you can't have me now
I gave me heart to another
Yeah I'm a mother and he's a father
And we've got each other
And I found out the hard way that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
You drive three miles from all this prosperity
Down across the ricer and you see a ghetto there
And we got children walking around with guns
And they got knives with drugs and pain to spare
And here I am in my clean, white shirt
With a little money in my pocket and a nice warm home
And we got teenagers walkin' around in a culture of darkness
Livin' together alone, and all I can
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
And I can't explain it and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand
Somewhere cross the parking lot some bands playin out of tune
City streets are gonna burn if we don't do something soon
And senorita can't quit cryin, baby's due now any day
Don Juan left, got sick of tryin
No one there to show him the way she came down to the grocery store and
She said I, I wanna buy a little carton of milk but I don't have any money
I said hey I'll cover you honey cause the pain's gotta go somewhere
Yeah the pain's gotta go someplace
So come on down to my house
Don't you know that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
Yeah. . . I think that says it all.
current mood: peaceful
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| Monday, April 26th, 2004
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11:49 pm
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The last few weeks have been a huge coming together of emotions and energies. So many thoughts and emotions swirling . . . . .
So many wounded women that I encountered this week I can't take away their hurts. . . .what I can do is to live my life as lovingly as possible with the people around me and let that be a light for them to see.
I am so very blessed with my family . . . . they are each so different yet the fit is coming together in ways I could never have anticipated.
I still have parts of me that need to heal but I'm really okay in so many ways. No, that isn't right. . .in so many ways, I am more than okay. In many ways, I am incredible.
I am numb from all the emotional energy coming and going.
current mood:  exhausted
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| Monday, April 12th, 2004
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2:21 am
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1. Show up.
2. Pay Attention.
3. Tell the truth.
4. Let go of the outcome.
I first saw this about 6 years ago and the simple wisdom of it has stayed with me. This simple procedure will see you through much of life but before you start there is one thing that has to be done in preparation: Know what you want.
I talk to so many people that seem to get hung up in one of two places. First is the group that tries to do everything but has no clue what they want. So they keep spinning their wheels. This happens in their jobs, relationships, hobbies, etc. They are doing, doing, doing but without focus or direction.
The second group is the people who have figured out what they want but then all they do is talk about it. They are frustrated. They can't figure out how to get what they want. Even when you tell them the first step (Show up), they still don't.
The one thing that holds both groups back is fear. The source of the fear varies but that is the wall that blocks everything else.
I am very fortunate to have a lot of people in my life that get it. They are succeeding at life. They aren't perfect. They aren't problem free. Yet, they steadily move forward. They have done the hard work of figuring out what they want and they systematically show up and start the process.
Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is doing what you need to do even with the fear.
current mood: content
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| Sunday, March 28th, 2004
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1:13 am
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The last couple of days. . . . oh dear. . . .
Tuesday night I spent the night at angel's to help her pack for her move and woke up with a raging sore throat and feeling like someone had sucked the life out of me. Yes, I got some packing done but it was frustrating not to be able to help her as much as I wanted to.
Thursday afternoon we found out that we had a vending opportunity on Friday and Saturday that we hadn't planned for. This meant doing Thursday night what we had planned to do on Friday and Saturday. We worked most of the night and about the time we decided to call it a night, I stepped on a set of drying hooks that had fallen to the floor. The result was both feet badly hurt, wrenched knees and thighs and a twisted back plus something to my wrist that I don't remember but left it hurting.
In light of the fall, we decided that Christopher would do the Friday event while I slept the morning and finished product in the afternoon and evening. Seemed like a plan. Until the car died. Fortunately, Derek came to the rescue both with transportation and very generously helping to replace the starter in my car. The topsy turvy day with two unexpected trips into LA ended with kitty picking me up to stay with her at a hotel where she was holed up because of her own topsy turvy week.
By the time kitty picked me up, I was totally fried. The combination of being sick, exhausted and in too much physical pain just left me punch drunk. Then the most amazing thing happened: kitty totally took care of me. She fed me hot food, gave me juice and totally surrounded me with love. She made sure I had everything I needed and then she tucked me into bed with my book and stuffed animals. The best part was that I didn't have to think. I didn't have to tell her what I needed (which is good because I was too braindead to do so) and I didn't have to take care of anyone else.
I woke up this morning still sick and my body is still really sore. A good night's sleep helped but I'm still running on the edge. What was different this morning was my spirit: I felt so relaxed emotionally. It was a wonderful feeling.
current mood: content
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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9:43 am
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Misha was here last night. . . . I helped him put new memory in his laptop. The directions were very specific about how to do it: "Take it to your nearest dealer for installation."
It is an older laptop . . no easy port in the back . . . and the company no longer makes laptops so no convenient online instructions. So I start taking out screws and doing an exploratory . . . . . . eventually find the memory sockets under the hard drive.
I like doing that sort of thing. . . figuring out something . .. . taking it apart. . . putting it back together.
Later, a man with a clever nick (SirCumSized) comes into the chat room. And the following exchange takes place . . . .
Faerie_Myst - hello SirCumSized
Faerie_Myst - that is quite a clever nick
SirCumSized - Greetings A/all
* SirCumSized looks around
SirCumSized - anybody home?
SirCumSized knocks loudly
* SirCumSized smiles at Faerie_Myst ... why thank you indeed
SirCumSized - may I be so bold as to ask your age, Faerie_Myst?
Faerie_Myst - you may
SirCumSized - how old are you, Faerie_Myst?
Faerie_Myst> i'm 40
SirCumSized - ahhhhh ... a nice age
Faerie_Myst - i'm rather fond of it
* laurieana agrees
SirCumSized - you're 40 too then, laurie?
laurieana - oh no..im far from 40
laurieana - heh
* laurieana goes back to being silent under the Faerie Ladys chair
* SirCumSized smiles
* SirCumSized glances under Faerie_Myst's chair ... would that laurieana be your property?
Faerie_Myst - laurieana is part of my tribe
* SirCumSized lifts his lefteyebrow a tad ... and which tribe might that be, Faerie_Myst?
Faerie_Myst - the Mystwalker tribe
Faerie_Myst - or, as Misha refers to it, the Faerie-Walkers
laurieana - Faerie-Walkers...i like that *giggles*
SirCumSized - and would you mind in that case if I were to spirit her away for a short while, Faerie_Myst?
Faerie_Myst - indeed, i would mind
SirCumSized - oh? ... and why might that be?
Faerie_Myst - because she is precious to me and you are a stranger. . . and i do not entrust that which is precious to the hands of a stranger
SirCumSized - but I can assure you she will be in "Good Hands"
* SirCumSized siiiiiiighs ... ok then ... I guess I will be on my merry way then
SirCumSized - thanks so much for your hospitality
SirCumSized - it's a pity your hospitality does not reach the generosity of sharing those that are near and dear
Faerie_Myst - no. . .it does not
SirCumSized - yes ... I see that
* SirCumSized waves
Funny, I've always made fun of the 'dom buttons' and have enjoyed pushing them. It's been somewhat eye-opening to discover that I have a very big one. Don't treat those that are precious to me as casual playthings available for anyone to just pick up and use. Don't do it to kitty. Don't do it to lissa. Don't do it to my kitten.
Okay. . . I know I'm both possessive and protective but . . .DUH . . . . is this rocket science?????
current mood:  happy
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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1:14 am
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Someone tonight told me to make a list of things I wanted . . . so here it is . . . .
1. To get my nose fixed so that my sinuses are more normal.
2. Enough capital to take the next step with faerie's finest - better labels and printer, a small ribbon blender, storage cabinets so more can be bought in bulk, investment in raw materials for the next product lines, more marketing.
3. A steady income so that bills can be caught up.
4. A small multi-unit home so that more of our tribe can live together and still have personal space and room for our various pursuits.
5. Enough money to help various members of the tribe reach their dreams easier . . . maddee's dream of being a coroner, the kitten being a nurse, lissa and angel going into mental health professions.
Once upon a time, a bitter, angry woman told me that I couldn't change the world. My answer was that she was right, but that I could change my corner of it. I look at our tribe and I know that we are making various corners a little better with our lives. I know that the love and support we give each other makes that possible. Now we just have to figure out how we are going to pay for it all.
current mood: hopeful
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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1:09 am
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Highlights of the last few days . . . . .
A day and evening with angel and Uncle Jessi.
An afternoon and evening with madeson.
A weekend with my pretty kitty.
Christopher, lissa and kitty sitting up most of the night with me watching television when I couldn't get to sleep early.
Lots of clean dishes that I didn't have to wash.
A bus ride out to the Queen Mary with kitty and patty followed by yummy shrimp tempura.
Conversations with a nervous kitten.
Play with Christopher and kitty that was very special.
A very interesting afternoon at a demo with Christopher.
Coming home to find my bed made just like I like it. (Thanks, kitty)
Bad movie night at Jeff's that included catching up on events with my daughter, nice cuddling and meat shopping (you had to be there) and a lot of laughs.
Coming home to Christopher and lissa and all of their love.
Thinks to look forward to this week:
Walkabouts with patty.
Working with Christopher.
Finding time with lissa (really overdue)
Tuesday afternoon with angel.
Dinner with Jeff on Tuesday.
and, and, and . . . . there is so much and my life is so blessed.
current mood: calm
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| Saturday, March 6th, 2004
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1:01 am
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So . . . I read the live journals. . . kitty, karnah, angel, Misha, lissa, Strat. . . . and they take these quizzes . . . .
So far I've learned that my favorite color is blue and I'm a homosexual. I've also learned that i have a crystal heart (like kitty which isn't all that surprising).
It turns out I'm a tree-loving faerie with a motherly instinct and an ice dragon, that most powerful dragon that doesn't like to show it.
The most interesting so far has been which mythological form: the Phoenix. "And the Phoenix's cycle had reached zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He emerged from his own ashes, to be forever immortal" About 10 months ago, I had my palm read and a celtic card reading done. She said I was starting a period of transition in my life and that when it was over I would be like the phoenix, totally reborn from the ashes.
Several times I've wondered what she saw. . . .was it dealing with more memories, was it moving from submissive to dominant in my relationships, was it accepting lissa into our life or was it the coming together of all those things. . . .
A year ago, I would not have anticipated where I am now - but that isn't so unusual - so much of life is unanticipated. I didn't expect it but I'm really happy with where it is now.
current mood: content
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| Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
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1:30 am
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You are the Universe card, sometimes called the
World card. The Universe is the complete,
perfect whole. The spiritual path has come to
an end and enlightenment is reached. Events
have reached completion. The different facets
of your life are well-integrated and
harmoniously balanced. This is an ideal state
in which to rest and feel the true state of
your vibrant physical being. Your creative
potential is maximized and you have achieved
goals that you have set for yourself in the
past. After enjoying the pleasure of this
state, a new cycle can begin with new
challenges and triumphs that will keep you
feeling alive and keep building on the
foundations you have planted thus far. Image
from The Stone Tarot deck.
http://hometown.aol.com/newtarotdeck/
Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wow . . . . I didn't expect that.
current mood:  shocked
current music: Higher Ground
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12:21 am
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It was a very emotionally full weekend - signing the contract with lissa, the very difficult talk with karnah about my decision to suspend play with him, the news about the strike ending, the party, the time with kitty. Today just sort of built on that - taking angel to her medical appointment, talking with kira and patty, spending time online with kitty, merryann and the kitten encouraging them. It all adds up.
Part of our talk with karnah on Friday was about energy. Kitty came up with an analogy about people having personal energy batteries. We built on that to demonstrate how in a relationship, one person cannot simply feed off the battery of another - that there has to be alternating current . . . giving and getting. We went back to the analogy a lot this weekend because it is useful.
Tonight after a couple hours of chat, I realized that my battery was really low. So I got offline and came back to my bedroom to watch West Wing. It was good to be alone in the dark watching something funny and familiar that spoke to both my mind and my soul. It felt good to know I was doing something good for myself - that I hadn't waited until I was completely worn out and I didn't wait for someone else to tell me to take care of myself.
I've had a lot of those moments in the last couple of weeks - where I realize that I'm doing very well in setting good boundaries and taking care of my emotional needs. I'm still pretty lousy at taking care of my physical needs but even here I have improved. While I might not be better at taking care of myself, I am allowing more and more, other people to care for me in physical ways. This is an important recognition. It is another step forward . . .and an encouragement.
current mood: peaceful
current music: I Believe/You'll Never Walk Alone
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| Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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1:20 am
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Another glorious food evening. . . . .
I took the train to North Hollywood where joi picked me up. We drove around for a bit and eventually landed at a sush restaurant (Sushi Mahi, I think) in Westwood. It was very small - maybe a half dozen tables and the sushi bar.
We started by ordering Nigori (unfiltered) sake and edemame. (It's always a delight to drink good sake with someone who already appreciates it.) Next came the miso soup which is always yummy.
We ordered a variety of sushi: toro (melt in your mouth, to die for), yellow tail and tobiko (flying fish roe). joi also got some sort of squid thing that she loves. Next the yellowtail collar arrived. It was so succulent that we were sucking on the bones.
We finished with sushi rolls: salmon skin and a catepillar roll. The salmon skin was very good (and is always one of my favorites). I had never had a catepillar role. It had unagi inside and the top had sliced avocado. It was served with the traditional unagi sauce.
It was really excellent japanese food such that I haven't had since moving down here. Now I'm inspired to find other places closer to home.
After, we went to UCLA for an evening of Cajun music. It was great music and fantastic musicianship. I really enjoyed it.
Best of all was the company. Great food and great music with a fabulous friend makes for a perfect evening.
current mood: content
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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12:05 am
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I had the most amazing experience tonight.
Christopher and I went to the Yard House for dinner. We took the Pine Ave. Link down to Shoreline, talking the whole way and looking at all the new places below downtown that we could look forward to going to.
I started out with the California Cosmopolitan, a variation on the classic made with citrus vodka. It had a lovely fruitiness to it. I ordered the grilled artichoke appetizer and the seared ahi salad.
The grilled artichoke appetizer was served with homemade potato chips and garlic aioli. It was perfection. The artichoke was perfectly cooked. The potatoe chips were not a garnish but rather a part of the whole. The crisp, darkly fried potatoes were balanced by the soft lushness of the artichoke. The pairing was inspired.
The seared ahi salad was incredible. The combination of soft greens (the bitter totally balancing the sweet) was counterpoint to the crunchy wonton strips. The sweet and sour of the sesame vinaigrette was in harmony with the hot pepper of the ahi. It was one of the finest salads I have ever encountered.
As good as the food was, the finest part of the evening was the conversation with Christopher. As we talked about everything from our relationships with others to faith and to how our relationship with each other has grown. Coming to a greater understanding of the changes we have encountered in ourselves and with each other and understanding that while mine were the more outward showing changes, it was the synergism that we created together that changed so much for both of us in how we love each other.
The end of the evening was perfect. The conversation continued as we took the link and then walked to Starbucks to see lissa. She made our favorite drinks for us and then we walked home.
current mood: enthralled
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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12:18 am
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It was another emotionally full weekend. I'm still processing all of it. I borrowed a John Bradshaw book from kitty, 'Creating Love'. I've read his other books and his insights on family systems taught me a lot. I had recently thought about getting out 'Care of the Soul' by Thomas Moore and slowly digesting that again but this feels like a good banquet for my psyche right now.
We rearranged the bedroom today. (We being myself, lissa, kitty and karnah). It feels much better now. My new picture is up and I can see it while laying here in the bed. It has a serenity to it that calms my spirit. My altar is set up now on the dresser and I can see each part of it. (I never really thought of it as an altar. I never really had a name for it but kitty uses that term and it is the best approximation for what it is)
It's a nice feeling for things.
current mood:  sleepy
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| Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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11:36 pm
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Whenever the question arises of which is harder, dominance or submission, the answers fall into predictable categories. Dominants claim that submissives have it easier (after all, they only have to obey and have orgasms). Submissives claim that dominants have it easier (since all they have to do is give orders and get blow jobs)
I'm finding a lot of similarities. Many of the things that I found satisfying as a submissive, I also find satisfying as a dominant: the challenge to stay emotionally open within a relationship, the focused care and attention on another person, the satisfaction of balancing within myself the internal drive with the applicable skill set . . . . .
So. . . which is harder?
As if I'm going to answer that one.
current mood: calm
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
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10:09 pm
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It was a very emotionally full day. . . . absorbing everything I talked about with kitty and more chat today. Talking to lissa. Chatting with karnah. Phone calls with Christopher during breaks.
It was all very good but the nicest part of the day was the walk with Patricia - even if we never did figure out what we wanted to eat.
current mood: sleepy
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004
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3:26 pm
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Quote on a message board -
"Take that part of yourself that is buried deep inside you, and spiral it into the world. Dare to be who you truly are. Your deepest essence is humanity and power. You are a spark of light in the Universe, nurture your inner flame of unique brilliance and dare to shine."
I like the quote but it made me think, does it take daring to be who you really are? I think the more important part is knowing who you are. That's the real challenge.
We spend so much energy hiding from ourselves or burying ourselves in the rubble of what we think we should be. Finding what we are . . . digging thru the rubble. . . . that is the challenge. I think once you find that inner core of who you are, it can't stay silent or hidden.
It is the nature of the soul to shine. It is only when we hide it or turn away from it that it remains hidden.
current mood: relaxed
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| Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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10:09 pm
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Life keeps taking interesting turns. . . . .
I collared irishkitty and karnah this weekend.
Hmmmmm. . . .
current mood: tired
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