|
|
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
| |
12:19 pm
|
Growing up, I was taught the "Great Commission". This is what Jesus said to his discipled as he was being taken up into heaven after his resurrection. "Go ye therefore and make disciples in all the nations, teaching them whatsoever I have commanded you. An lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world"
This of course was why you had missionaries. It was why you were supposed to 'witness' to people.
I've done a lot of heavy duty bible study in my life but the bible is a really big compilation and the 'Great Commission' is not something I've ever studied. Is it part of original manuscripts? Was it added on later? I really don't know. I do know that although it was vigorously taught, it was not something that ever resonated with me.
Oh, I was very much taken with stories of foreign missionaries, especially Lottie Moon. I didn't want to be one. I was taught to witness (even techniques for doing so), and went on youth tours where we went to areas to 'witness' but it was never an active part of my faith.
When I decided in my mid-20's to return to the church after a number of years away, I chose a local Presbyterian church largely because of the work they did in the community. That was when I first learned about 'peacemaking'. It is developed from the hebrew concept of shalom. We interpret shalom as peace which mostly means an absence of conflict. The hebrew concept is much more than that.
Shalom is wholeness. It in part derives from the laws that God gave to the hebrew people. These laws cover a wide range of life: relationships to God, your family, your slaves, your owners, your community; how you live - what you eat and drink, how you construct your dwellings; how you conduct your business in the community, etc. God gave laws to the hebrew people covering a wide range of behaviors and interactions. Therefore, it can be asserted that God cares about how we behave in the various areas of our life - that our relationship with God is more than a closed channel - it includes everything we do.
There is another part to it - thanksgiving. This is a recurring theme throughout the accounts of the hebrew people - they periodically gather to recount all that god has done for them. A counterpoint to this is that more often than not, when they stray from God, they are often chastised for seeing only the difficulties and not remembering the blessings. So shalom or wholeness includes a recognition of the good things.
The Presbyterian Church has developed a program based on these ideas known as Peacemaking. What God has done for you, you therefore take and do for others. Recognizing that wholeness covers a lot of area, there are areas of peacemaking: family, the environment (because our relationship to God includes our relationship to God's creation), social justice, etc. Many churches get involved with organizations like Habitat for Humanity as part of their peacemaking activities.
This is what attracted me to the Presbyterian church and kept me in it for so long. This resonates with me- a verse that has always called to me is in the gospel of John where Jesus says, "Others come as a thief in the night but I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly." The idea that our faith is not so much about where we spend eternity but how we live now: abundantly. Abundance begets abundance. As I have much, I can give much - and the parable of the talents which was impressed upon me as a child by my father bears witness to that.
Growing up, I often saw my father 'witnessing' to others. He didn't go out looking for people to witness to. It was just part of him. He had tremendous faith. It wasn't a loud or showy faith. It was quiet and solid and totally part of him. My father could no more not talk about God than he could not talk about his family. And he did. Not in any planned or deliberate manner, it just happened. If you spent any time talking to my father, sooner or later, God would come up. My father was absolute in his conviction that there was a God and a savior and a spirit and that centering your life around this was how to have a truly happy life.
So a funny thing has been happening in my life. I find that more and more I am talking to people about God. Not Bible stories or the 'facts' of Christianity but my faith in God. I talk about the resurrection and how powerful it is to know that there is a God that can heal any wound. I talk about my assurance that God will provide even when I don't have a clue how. I talk about praying. I talk about my conviction that my chosen family is there because God has drawn us together for each other. I talk about how God keeps me going even when I'm convinced I can't - that what I need for the next step is there. One step at a time, I keep getting what I need. When I am most discouraged, something sparks the hope.
I remember an old testament prophet that shares the promise of God that faith is inherited by our children to the third generation. In the past, I took that to mean I didn't need to worry about Patricia. She's in on the family plan from my father. She will find the way she needs to find - it's already guaranteed. It really hit me this week - I've started my own family plan.
current mood:  relaxed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
| |
4:17 pm
|
Coming Together . . . . .
Glass -
I have loved glass for as long as I can remember - the deeply colored crackle bowls in my living room that amazed me in the contradiction of being solid and cracked at the same time, the blown glass figurines that I collected throughout my adolescence and topped my wedding cake, going to historical sites on vacation and watching glass blowing for as long as my parents would let me, visiting the giant pottery in Williamsburg and going down every row to see as much as possible, picking up cut crystal goblets and bowls and running my fingers over all the sharp edges.
Glass is amazing. It is tough and fragile at the same time. It is made of nothing - at least that was how I saw it. I grew up by the ocean. There was sand everywhere. It had no value. Yet take it, heat it and mix in a few other ingredients and miracles happened. It can be blown and shaped in a million different ways. It can be made into something practical or into something whimsical. If something with as little value as sand can be made into something of such priceless beauty, there is hope for the fears in the deepest part of your soul.
Bach -
I love Baroque music, especially Bach. Bach set the foundation for western music. He created the forms and structures of time and sound. Bach is precise and orderly but demands the utmost care and musicianship to perform. To truly make music with Bach, you have to do more than play perfectly structured forms. It demands your soul poured into it. Otherwise it is little more than orderly noise. I have met many musicians who believe that mastery of Bach is the key to musical perfection: if you can play Bach, you can play anything.
Emily Post -
I never quite fit in. It wasn't any one particular thing - it was the accumulation of things. I never quite felt like I belonged anywhere . . . but I understood etiquette. My friends called me Emily Post. What was the proper seating arrangement for a dinner? Could you wear a particular color or style of shoe at a certain time of year? What did you wear to an afternoon wedding for the cousin you didn't particularly like? What was the proper table setting for a formal dinner? These were the answers I knew. When I got married at 18, it was with such planning that I emerged with a dozen full place settings of elegant china and stemware. I had no idea what my place in the world was but I made do with knowing the place for everything else.
Benvenuto Cellini -
In college, I read the autobiography of Benvenuto Cellini. He was a Renaissance sculptor. I don't remember what the other pieces he made looked like but I remembered the salt cellar (http://130.238.79.99/ilmh/Ren/cellini-salt.htm). It was amazing to me. Not in any artistic sense - in that regard, it is not particularly to my liking - but in the sense that something so magnificent would be made to hold what to me was such a common item: salt. That was when I learned how important salt had been for most of the world's history. It fascinated me that through many centuries, a person's social status in the upper reaches of society could be determined simply by noting where they sat in relationship to the salt cellar.
Salt -
I've always loved salt. Instead of a salt shaker in the kitchen, I have a small glass container for grabbing pinches. When I started faerie's, the flavored salts quickly became my favorite products. I have to admit, I had never tried sea salts and was skeptical of them. I was amazed last year when we started tasting them in consideration of adding them to the product line. The subtle variations in flavor between the different salts was astonishing. I was hooked. More than that - seeing the fleur de sel and the sel gris, salt that is as close to unadulterated as you can get, I understood salt cellers. You can't shake these. You have to use a pinch or a spoon. It's more than that though. . . the color and texture of these salts deserves to be seen.
Manufacturing -
Manufacturing at all levels fascinates me. From the arrival of materials at the docks on cargo ships, to giant warehouses full of palettes, to filling stations and assembly lines, to packaging and shipping materials - all of it just amazes me. I love the possibilities of manufacturing. I love seeing how something goes from start to finish. It continues to astonish me, what people can make.
So. . . around Christmas I'm just sort of browsing around on ebay and I do a search on salt cellars. I pick out a few that I like and show them to Christopher. He asks if I would like them as my Christmas present. I've been thinking for a while of how to have a salt tasting party for my friends and family that would enjoy it and having pretty salt cellars would be just the thing. When they arrive a few weeks later, I am just captivated. They are tiny and pretty. One - a fish - just seems whimsical; I can put the salt for my fish in a salt fish.
So I look some more on ebay, really just for some diversion . . . there are literally thousands of them - glass, wood, silver, gold, porcelein, china - from all over the world and spanning centuries. I haven't collected anything in years and I ask Christopher if he would mind if I start collecting them . . . it seems to go nicely with my love of salt and it would be nice to do something that was just for me.
That's how it started. As I looked, I always liked the glass ones best. Then I started doing a little research. Over time, a focus has developed to my collection of salt cellars (or open salts): american victorian glass. There are three categories of Victorian glass in my collection: lacy glass - the first molded glass made in this country, american brilliant - leaded cut crystal produced by the artisans arriving in this country from Europe, and early american pattern glass - the first mass produced glassware for the growing middle glass.
So. . . I was thinking how much my salt cellars delight me. I've gotten much more picky about what I purchase now. My little salt cellars provide a connection point for a lot of elements in my life. There are a few other things that also connect in but these are the main ones.
current mood: relaxed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, February 13th, 2005
| |
11:41 pm
|
For everything its season, and for every activity under heaven its time:
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to uproot;
a time to kill and a time to heal;
a time to break down and a time to build up;
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time for mourning and a time for dancing;
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace and a time to abstain from embracing;
a time to seek and a time to lose;
a time to keep and a time to discard;
a time to tear and a time to mend;
a time for silence and a time for speech;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 8 (Revised English Bible)
Always the simple is the most profound. Of course, there is a time for everything. Except in the busy-ness of our lives we forget that where time is not allowed, it will be taken.
"For everything its season, and for every activity under heaven its time" The list that follows covers much but not everything. Every activity under heaven - so far reaching.
Now is a season of loss for me - it is a time to clear things out, to kill what should not have life within me, to discard that which clutters, to tear down structures that are inappropriate to what they attempt to house, to break down walls that keep me from where I want to be.
It is a season of mourning the necessary losses.
Once upon a time, I went deep inside my soul and created the garden of my salvation. In that garden I recognized my strength and my passion. From that garden, I went into my psche and uncovered the damage that had been inflicted upon me when I was innocent. In that garden I waged war and eventually found peace with my god. It was good.
From that garden, I flew into the landscape of my spirit and found an arid land. In that barreness I created an oasis for my soul so it could dwell in comfort with my spirit. I built a house high upon a tower, away from the dry parched land. I poured my love into that house and created a place of belonging. It was good.
As my soul and spirit merged together, they expanded and the barren land began to germinate. The outer reaches of my spirit became verdant and lush. Seeing this blossoming around me, I ventured into places I had never been and found that gentleness and kindness were still mine to claim. It was good.
For a long time, my soul found belonging in the structures of my spirit. When the structures began to decay, I mistook the erosion as damage to my soul. In my panic, I held on to things that needed to be discarded. It is time to return to the garden. It is time to gather up my strength and my passion. It is time to face unflinchingly more of the harm done to me when I was innocent. It is time to once more wage war upon my god. Eventually my god will lift me up and look upon me and there will be peace.
From the garden, a journey of destruction must begin. The house will be torn down. It has to be. The house is overcrowded and the walls are crumbling. The roof no longer holds the weight of what must rest upon it.
A fire must be set in the forest. It is overgrown and too much new growth is unable to get sunlight through the trees. Too much has been taken out of it and the soil has to be renewed from the ashes of the fire.
It really is well with my soul. From there, everything is possible.
current mood:  peaceful
current music: When You Believe
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
| |
4:44 am
|
Last Sunday I went to church (MCCLA) with kitty. It was a very profound and moving experience. Since then, I have been struggling for a way to articulate it.
Tonight, I went to the Christmas eve service with Christopher and kitty. Many of the same emotions were evoked and I'm still not ready to confine them to words. There is one thing that popped into my head toward the end of the service.
When I was studying the life of Moses many years ago, there was a reoccuring event. On a number of occasions, the Israelites would gather for praise and thanksgiving. During this time there would be a recitation of what God had done for them. After each recognition of God's goodness, there would be a pause of acknowledgement and reflection. In this pause was an understanding of 'It is enough' If what God did was all that ever happened, it is enough. Each sufficient act, followed by another sufficient act, followed by another, etc, reminded them of the bounty of God.
Tonight, Christopher went up with kitty and I to take communion. There aren't adequate words to convey the many levels of meaning there were to this, except this: It is enough.
current mood: content
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, November 13th, 2004
| |
5:05 pm
|
I don't often talk about my beliefs - political or religious. I don't have a need to convince others that what I believe is right or that they should also believe it. I also am unlikely to respond well to people who maintain the sovereignty of their own beliefs. That said, I do enjoy a good discussion in the realms of politics or faith.
When I woke up today, I'd had a dream that reminded me of a tenet of my faith and politics: You can only legislate behavior. You cannot legislate the soul.
Here is a little background information:
1. I am unaffiliated with any political party. (Yes, that is an actual choice when you register in California). In other states, I registered as an Independent because that was the most accurate choice. I am neither comfortable with the Republican party platform nor the Democratic party platform.
2. I was raised Christian, specifically Southern Baptist. As an adult, I chose to be affiliated with the Presbyterian Church, USA. Culturally, there is no doubt I am Christian. Doctrinally, there are core tenets of Christianity that I don't accept. I'm not sure I reject them. Mostly I am skeptical and don't think about them much. When I am in the company of most Christians, I feel quite pagan. However, when around pagans, I know without a doubt that I am not pagan. As an adult, I was fortunate enough to spend time with some truly great thinkers in the Presbyterian church. I discovered that my faith wasn't as unique as I thought - it simply isn't mainstream.
This is not the part I don't talk about. I'm pretty open about how I identify both politically and religiously. The part I don't discuss as much is where they converge and how that plays out in specific issues. Here are some examples:
1. I don't believe that you will eliminate abortion by making it illegal. If you truly want to end abortion, then we must craft a society and culture where life is so precious that the very thought of abortion is anathema. Where the value and potential of each human life is so great that abortion isn't even considered.
2. The way to have a healthier population is not through healthcare reform. Help people understand that they are a unified organism - that mind, body and spirit is a personal trinity that must be honored. Create a society where all individuals have a healthy self esteem and where taking care of yourself in all ways is the norm. Then health will be built into the every individual.
3. Outraged at what you consider frivolous lawsuits? Still talking about the award from the latest lawsuit? The real solution is not a cap on awards or a limit on lawsuits. Create a society that places a premium on personal responsibility and understands that sometimes bad things happen in life (we call them accidents). Then the legal system can be used more effectively for breaches where actual malice was done.
We are far from any of these things. We don't have a perfect society. I'm not saying we should eliminate legislation. I am only pointing out the limitations of it: It is only about behavior. It is not about the internal realities of individuals. A phrase I learned as a Presbyterian is relevant here: If you want peace, work for justice.
So this brings me to the thought that woke me up: I need to pray for the President. He's been elected to a second term. It's a done deal. Yes, I can work for issues I think are important but they won't change his mind or agenda. That is beyond my scope.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
current mood: content
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 6th, 2004
| |
3:42 pm
|
Saturday night I had several dreams . . . . I don't remember a lot of details except each dream involved transportation stuff. . . .so I went to a dream interpretation site and found some things. . . . .
The Car and Train Dream - I had to go somewhere and had gone down to the what looked like a big old train station to catch a train. While I was looking at schedules, a friend showed up with this car that I could take if I wanted it. It was a very small car, just one seat wide with another seat at its back facing the rear. It was just an open frame with a little hooded engine at the front. I thanked her for bringing it but said I would take the train.
The train was some sort of commuter train. It had a roof but was open at the sides. Only one side had a bench that faced across the train to look out the other side. While I was riding, I was worried about missing my stop and kept looking out and checking where we were at.
"To dream that you are on a train, is symbolic of your life's journey and suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed for the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end. "
"To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life. "
The Boat Dream - After I got off the train, I went down to the dock and got on a boat piloted by a friend. He needed me to go with him. We were in the middle of a place shaped like florida and he headed west on the river out to the bay. After we got to the bay, he turned north and told me we would go thru the canal and out to the ocean to the east. I wondered why we just hadn't gone east directly to the ocean. I was following the chart and was very suprised at how quickly we were moving.
"To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies you ability to cope and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether is is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself."
current mood: relaxed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, August 29th, 2004
| |
4:33 pm
|
To Christopher -
When I think about how much I love you, it totally overwhelms me. It is such a huge feeling. You have given me a gift that no one has ever given me: the freedom and encouragement to be emotionally open and without filters. It makes for a very complicated relationship between us. So much hurt and anger that have been hidden away all my life are now exposed and so often come tumbling out onto you. I know that you worry sometimes that I am unhappy. I'm not but the price of your gift is that it has uncovered a lot of unhappiness from my childhood. This is the unhappiness you see and this is the unhappiness that makes me want to run away and hide. It isn't from you. It isn't from what we share together. It is from the pain that was hidden for so long and it now exposed and felt so forcefully. Your willingness to witness my pain and to let it wash over you is a love beyond measure.
I can't imagine a life without you. You are my lover, my partner, my friend. You are my soulmate in every sense of the word.
To kitty -
If Christopher is my soulmate, you are my very soul. The blossoming of our friendship into a deeper relationship was unplanned and unexpected. You challenge me daily to be a more complete person. You inspire me with your courage. You help me understand everything that tumbles out of me. You allow me to love you even when it scares and confuses you. You keep loving me even when it scares and confuses me.
You are so precious to me. Every moment we spend together is like looking into a mirror. It let's me see myself in ways I never knew were there. It is rarely easy but it is always good. I thank God every day that you are in my life.
To lissa -
Our relationship got off to a very rocky start and it has been hard for both us to get past that. We jumped into being a family with very little knowledge of each other. It wasn't easy. That was then. Now we are a family and I'm really glad that you are a part of it.
I've often described you to people as a prickly pear: hard and sharp on the outside, soft and sweet on the inside. It's an apt description. The more I get to know you, the more I appreciate the soft sweetness. The last year has seen a lot of pain up out of my soul and I have come to rely on your comfort in those moments. You are a soothing presence at times when everything else is frightening to me.
I know that the last year has been a challenge for you. It's been very hard for you to let me inside of the shell that has protected you for so long. Thank you for the trust you have given me.
current mood: relaxed
current music: Soundscapes
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 23rd, 2004
| |
8:31 am
|
When I was little, my best friend was Karen Rhodes. She lived down the street from me. She belonged ot the Church of the Nazarene. We did everything we could together. We went to separate kindergartens because she went to her church school while I went to a different private kindergarten. In the summers, we were together as much as possible. We went to Bible School together, first at her church and then at mine. When first grade started, I went to her house before and after schoool since my mom worked. Something happened that year. I don't even really know what it was but I remember the consequences of it.
I have no idea what led up to it but I remember being in my neighbors front yard. There were a lot of pine trees in the yard so it was always shadowy. It was early evening. I remember being there with Karen. I was holding on to her hand and trying to pull her back toward my house while she was trying to get away to go home. I was crying and begging her not to go. I don't remember why but eventually Karen pulled free and ran home and I was left there crying.
The next morning I went to her house as usual and she didn't speak to me. I tried to apologize to her and she ignored me. While I was getting my stuff together, she went ahead to the bus stop. When I got there one of the older kids said to me, "Karen told us what you did last night and she's not playing with you anymore."
From that time forward, the only time that Karen spoke to me or was nice to me was when we were around her parents. At school, she completely ignored me. I remember letting her copy off of my paper during math tests because I was better at it than she was. When the teacher caught us, I was put in the back of the room to take my tests.
For a while I tried to apologize but she never would talk to me.
I continued to go her house before and after school. When her family moved to another neighborhood, I still went. Eventually in the middle of the third grade, I was able to convince my parents that I was big enough to wait before and after school at home. I don't remember ever talking to her again.
When I was planning my wedding, my mom ran into her again. One of my proposed bridesmaids was unable to make it so my mother suggested that I ask Karen. I didn't know how to tell my mom that my 'best friend' had not been my friend at all but had shunned me making those years a misery. So I asked her and she said yes. I have no idea why.
I still don't know why I was so desperate for her to stay. I have never understood why she did what she did after that. I didn't have a best friend again until I was in the eighth grade.
current mood:  sad
current music: Beethoven Piano Sonatas
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
| |
5:36 pm
|
The words of Brother Cadfael from "One Corpse Too Many" by Ellis Peters
"It takes half a lifetime to reach the spot where eternity is always visible, and the crude injustice of the hour shrivels out of sight."
"God disposes all. From the highest to the lowest extreme of a man's scope, wherever justice and retribution can reach him, so can grace."
current mood: sleepy
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 12th, 2004
| |
6:41 am
|
"When you have done everything else, perfecting a conventual herb-garden is a fine and satisfying thing to do."
I started reading the Brother Cadael series by Ellis Peters again. It's been years since I read it. It came to my attention when I was growing herbs and reading herb magazines. Many herb growers enjoyed the series and recommended it.
The main character is Brother Cadfael, a retired adventurer who now manages the herb and kitchen gardens for the monastary at Shrewsbury. It is during the civil war between Stephen and Maud and along the way, Brother Cadfael manages to help solve local mysteries.
There are a lot of reasons I enjoy the books but the main attraction has always been the character himself. I think it would be a fine thing after a full life to retire somewhere away from what my life has been but in a way that is still useful. Yes, that would be a very fine thing.
current mood: sleepy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 5th, 2004
| |
5:52 pm
|
One thing that has become really clear recently is that lindy really doesn't believe she will ever be safe and a big part of that is believing that Joseph will come back to hurt her.
faerie-girl has been spending time with lindy designing the garden. There is a big sand oval in the center for the Dragon to sleep in. Across from that is a smaller sand circle for lindy and faerie-girl to play in. On three sides it is surrounded by rosemary with pink and blue flowers. The fourth side faces into the garden and the Dragon.
On one side of the big sand oval is lindy's swingset and it has big tubs of different varieties of mint around it. The other side will have a combination fountain and shallow pond that lindy and faerie-girl can play in. Around that will be various bed of herbs like sage, basil, oregano and thyme. Behind the big sand oval, lindy wants roses. Lots of roses. She really loves roses.
When faerie-girl realized that lindy didn't really know that Joseph is dead, she went inside of Faerie's memories and brought out the memory of Joseph laying dead in the casket and brought it into the garden for lindy to see. lindy got to poke Joseph and see that he really was dead. (lindy has been to a lot of funerals and isn't afraid to see dead people.)
To help lindy see everyday that Joseph is really dead and can't hurt her again, faerie-girl and lindy went to the section of the garden where the roses are going to be planted and they dug a big hole. Then the Dragon came and closed the casket with her talons and lifted it and placed it in the hole. Then faerie-girl and lindy piled the dirt back into the hole and jumped up and down on it to make sure it was all packed in. Then the faerie-girl made a flat stone for the grave: Joseph Acree; he hurt me and now he is dead.
Tonight lindy is going to pick out the roses she wants planted in the garden. They will be planted all around the grave until they eventually cover it. When lindy needs to be reminded that Joseph is really buried there, the Dragon will fly her over so she can see the stone and read it again.
current mood:  accomplished
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
4:06 am
|
When I was in the third grade, we were given an assignment to create a miniature version of our perfect bedroom. We were to do it in a shoebox. That was the exact assignment: the perfect bedroom.
So I created my perfect bedroom. It had pink walls and a pink carpet and a gold bed that was attached high to the wall.
The teacher gave me a 'C' and said I had not used my imagination. I didn't understand. She hadn't told us to use our imagination. She told us to create our perfect bedroom and I did. That was my perfect bedroom. A pink room with a golden bed high up where only I could get in it. A golden bed where I would be safe. That was my idea of perfection. I didn't need fancy things. I didn't need a television. I didn't need toys. I just needed a safe bed.
current mood:  awake
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 31st, 2004
| |
4:28 am
|
|
| Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
| |
2:12 pm
|
About 12 years ago, I started working with a therapist named Shelley. She didn't have a paticular therapeutic path that she followed but was willing to use whatever got the job done. We worked well together because I was willing to try anything that would help unlock what was going on inside.
Shelley taught me how to do meditation and how to use it as a less traumatic way to unlock some of the memories. She led me to create an internal garden and to use it as a way to step in and out of the memories. It was my safe place. It was a very large walled garden filled with riotous color with a formal courtyard in the center. It was here that I discovered my first animal totems: my dragon and my panther. Eventually I found a path that led to a smaller garden with a bench. This area was walled in with full, leafy treeas and along their roots grew abundant beds of lily of the valley. It was in this smaller garden that I was able to talk to God and to start to really understand for the first time what love is.
This particular internal visualization was very useful for many years. The garden didn't change much. It didn't need to. It was my safe place. One day I discovered a hidden door in the garden wall. With my dragon, I flew up over the wall to look where it led. There was a path and I started following it. Eventually I found a unique tower dwelling shaped sort of like a big mushroom. I started exploring this place in my meditations. I discovered my internal house where I let other people. Over the years, the area around my house became more and more detailed. Eventually there was a small forest and a meadow where I discovered my other animal totems: fawn and rabbit.
Over the last few months, I've tried to do meditation and I've tried to visualize both my garden and my tower dwelling. I have not been able to do it. I realized that my internal reality has changed so much over recent years that these places just aren't there anymore. I don't need a private place that keeps everyone out. Nor do I need to create a space for the people I love. My life is now openly loving and I don't need to hide away from the people I love.
Having these places inside meant that when scary memories came up, there was a place of absolute safety for my little girl to be. I wasn't even aware of her but she felt safe. Yes, there were icky things but the internal places kept them separate from her. The last few years have brought about radical changes in my internal landscape. I have become very emotionally open and more and more of the deepest memories have come out. Unfortunately, there hasn't been a place for my little girl to hide and she has once again experienced the absolute terror and confusion of that time.
I realized last night as I was falling asleep that I need to create a new safe place for my little girl. The old places don't work for me because they are no longer accurate reflections of who I am. So I need to create a place that works for both Faerie and lindy. Christopher gave me the first key last week when he reminded me that I have something now that I didn't have as a child: I have my dragon. The dragon is fierce and beautiful and strong. It is big enough to protect me from anything. So I have to create a new internal home and introduce lindy to my dragon so that she has a protector as well as a place to hide and feel safe. He also gave me the idea of rosemary, my favorite herb.
I'm not sure what it will be but once again I'm going to start with a garden. Instead of a formal courtyard in the center, there will be a large, round bed of white sand where my dragon can rest and where lindy can play. I'm not sure the rest of it yet but I know there won't be flowers in this part. It will be filled with herbs that fill the warm air with fragrance. Slowly I will create the garden and I will visit it in faerie form and I will teach lindy all about the herbs. In teaching her about the herbs, lindy will get to know Faerie and will start to trust her. I will introduce her to my dragon and lindy will learn how fun a dragon is to climb on. lindy will learn that leaning against the dragon is very warm and safe and that it is very comfy to nestle in the sand and fall asleeping leaning against a giant, sleeping dragon.
My last garden formed instantly as I entered and it was a reflection of a lot of work already done. This garden will be different. This garden I will create with the same deliberation that I have put into creating my current life. It was very painful when I moved down here and left a life that had evolved into a very comfortable place. I did something very different. I gave a lot of thought to the kind of life I wanted and although there have been some unexpected turns, it is a life that is very satisfying. Unfortunately, it isn't a life that my internal structures were designed to support. So the old stuff quit working but I didn't have new stuff. It's time to build the new stuff.
current mood: relieved
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 25th, 2004
| |
11:47 pm
|
I've been working on the affirmation that I have a right to live. It has triggered a lot of very stong emotions and made me realize that a lot of my recent sleep issues has been my fear that if I sleep, I will die. The level of fear and terror has made me realize that I have a lot of work to do in this area so I am working on developing affirmations that support that.
I have a right to live.
I have a right to have the things I need.
I have a right to sleep.
I have a right to feel safe and protected.
I will respect my body and take care of it everyday.
current mood:  exhausted
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
| |
9:48 pm
|
Several years ago, I found a book called "Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self". As often happens, the book called to me and I bought it. However, the book didn't call to me to actually read it yet so I put it on my bookshelf where it has happily resided ever since.
A few months ago, the book started calling to me again but it wasn't really saying anything specific. So I got it out and put it in the bathroom and when I was taking a bath would periodically browse through it. The more I browsed the more sure I was that it was a good thing but I wasn't quite ready to start reading it yet.
This week it was time to start reading it. I started reading the introduction section. I especially liked the section where it talked about the human biocomputer and made the connection that chakra literally translates to wheel or disk. It compared the chakras to program disks in our body that store information and programs that we use to run our life with. It was a good analogy and I don't do it justice here.
I wasn't rushing through. . . just picking up and reading the book a small section at a time. Two nights ago I got to the section on The Seven Rights. Each chakra represents a different fundamental right. I decided to not read the entire section but to gradually read about each chakra and use it as an affirmation. Although I recognize the utility of affirmations and frequently advocate their use, I have never felt comfortable using them for myself. Somehow they felt artificial to me. This time it seemed different and a good way to begin. So I read the first section.
"Chakra One: the right to be here. To find solidity in the first chakra, we must have an instinctual sense of our right to be here." It goes on to talk about the corollary to this: the right to have, especially to have what we need to survive.
When I first read it, I accepted it at a surface level: that I have a right to be here, in my home, in my room. Also that I have a right to have my needs met here. This is really important. I've really been struggling with feeling like I belong in this physical place. It's very hard for me to ask for what I need in terms of environment and space. So it's pretty big to realize that I have a right to that.
Since then I've barely slept and what sleep I have had has been very light. It wasn't until early this morning that I realized that my sleeplessness had to do with this section. I could feel the anxiety bubbling inside of me. I knew I wasn't going to get anymore sleep so I went in to take a bath. Finally after relaxing in the bath for a while, I started crying and was finally able to say, "I have a right to be alive."
I'm not sure where to take this now. I'm still feeling a lot of anxiety and I still can't talk about it. I know this is something really huge and fundamental.
current mood:  anxious
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 11th, 2004
| |
11:03 pm
|
Christopher and I have been watching Buffy . . . . tonight we finally got to my all time favorite episode . . . . the beginning of the third season where Buffy has run away. . . .there is a moment when she realized who she is. . . .it is a very powerful moment as she owns herself again.
I love watching Buffy. . . it is funny and tender all wrapped together. It is about fighting the good fight and it is about friends who stick together no matter what. Buffy's life is complicated and there are times when she gets discouraged but there always is a point where she remembers what her life is about and she accepts it. Those are the moments that make it all come together.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my life. It is complicated. It is full. There seems like there is not enough of me to go around.
Watching Buffy reminds me that while there are times I get discouraged, there are also times when I remember what my life is about. Sometimes I fight it. Sometimes I accept it. Sometimes I embrace it.
Watching this again was a good reminder that it is important to remember who I am.
current mood: sleepy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 24th, 2004
| |
10:59 pm
|
Tonight I heard someone sing the 23rd Psalm. It occurred to me that although my beliefs about God seem to be similar to the beliefs that David expresses in the psalm, I have never felt an affinity for this particular passage. Thinking about it, I realized that it was the language. So I started thinking about how I would express these ideas and this is what I came up with .
God is my Liege*, there is nothing I lack.
He gives me a safe place to rest.
He feeds and nourishes my body.
He restores my soul.
He maps out the paths of virtue according to His will.
Even when I have to go into dangerous place,
I am without fear, for You are beside me.
Your justice and your mercy is a comfort to me.
You prepare a feast and make me the guest of honor regardless of who is present.
You fill my life with abundance.
Without a doubt, your grace and love will be with me throught my life.
And I will be in Your Presence forever.
*a feudal superior to whom allegiance and service are due
current mood: peaceful
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 7th, 2004
| |
8:14 pm
|
In the foreword to a book of sermons by Walter Brueggemann titled "The Threat of Life: Sermons on Pain, Power, and Weakness", Charles L. Campbell writes:
'The most striking thing about the sermons is their content: God. The sermons are saturated with God; they are passionate about God. They are fundamentally theological sermons. At a time when personal experience and the therapeutic model often dominate the pulpit, Brueggemann keeps our attention on the biblical story and the God whose identify that story renders. Breuggemann unapologetically proclaims the "odd" God of the Bible, who is never some general divinity or universal principle, but an intrusive, particular God who is active in the world. And Brueggemann invites the church to become an odd people, a countercultural community, whose identity is formed in relation to the peculiar God.'
I discovered Walter Brueggemann at a time when my faith was in an intellectual crisis. As a child, I loved to read the Bible. Many a sermon passed quickly as I read the Bible - sometimes my own but more often one of my parent's. In the Bible I came to understand a God that was different. That God wasn't some vague agent operating in the background but was active, passionate and demanding. The God I read about was powerful and mighty. It didn't seem to be the same God that everyone around me talked about.
I was still struggling to find authenticity in my faith when I met Walter Brueggemann at a conference. I had spent most of my religious life feeling more and more outcast. So much of what was taken without question just didn't make sense to me. After an painful absence from the church, I believed in God but somehow couldn't buy into the full package of beliefs. Often going to church felt like a compromise.
Over about five years, I experienced the theological perspective of Walter Brueggemann in a variety of ways: in lectures, in roundtable discussions, via videotaped series and through his books and commentaries. I still didn't think about God in the same way that most of the people around me did but now I didn't feel so outcast.
Reading Brueggemann again today was like taking a deep breath in an oxygen rich environment after breathing shallow for too long. God is not the universe. God is not a higher power. God is not this vague being that has to be defended.
God is God.
It is enough.
current mood:  happy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, May 28th, 2004
| |
1:02 am
|
The last few weeks have been an incredible coming together of pieces in my psyche that continues. Some of the pieces . . . . .
I was so afraid of my mother's dysfunction that I tried to reject everything about her. At the same time, I tried to be like my father, even in ways that just aren't me. Like my mother, I am an incredibly creative person. I am finally starting to own that and let it express itself not just in my music or in faerie's but in the details of my life.
Like my father, I am very grounded by my faith and convictions. What I didn't see was my father's boundaries. Growing up I didn't understand his boundaries. Sometimes, I understood them but didn't agree with them. I understand better now how he could accept people without trying to make them conform to his standards for himself. At some point, no matter how much you love someone, you have to let go and let them sink or swim. Yes, I got that. . . . what I didn't get was how soon to let go. I've tended to hold on to the point of personal detriment. I'm slowly and surely learning to let go sooner.
I've spent most of my life afraid to be me. Much of that time has been in ignorance of who I really am. Of course it is scarey to be what you totally don't understand or see. Now I'm seeing myself more accurately and yes, it is scarey. Except that I really have a lot to be confident about now . . . . it isn't that I've got everything worked out and fixed. There are still unopened bags on my great big luggage cart that have to be unlocked and sorted through. But the grounding is there and it is solid and can be relied on.
current mood: accomplished
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
