Saturday, February 22nd, 2003

Time: 1:32 am. Mood: depressed.

Man right now I just hurt even though i shouldn't. I hate poeple sometimes they are so damn confusing i just want to pretend I'm not alive anymore or something. It makes me angry. Nothing works out way i want it to, I'm used to that. But now nothing works out, period. Damn I just feel bad right now like everything is against me. and I have to wake up and teach tomorrow. i would stay online to talk to leland but I really don't feel like talking to anyone at all right now. just feel like shit(emotionally) ba fuck this man. I'll be online around three though becuase I'm going to talk to my jobanana around then. I'm so glad she's gonna be online. I need her so much I think, i don't like how dependant I am on her. I think I have relationship issus with poeple or something. Not bg gf issues, I mean like everyone in general. i don't trust anybody, believe, listen, etc. to anythign anyone says because I'm so paranoid they are doing something to hurt me, when they most likely don't even know me. I just annoy the hell out of myself. Today just wasn't a good day. at all.

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Time: 3:14 pm. Mood: crappy.

Man I'm so so so stressed. My mom like broke down crying today becuase she realized what a screwed "child hood" I had or wahtever. she apologized for making me learn how to be responsible at the age of 7 or whatever and for dumping my brother and gran on me while she was busy doing her own damn thing. I dunno the whole conversation just really made me angry. Well it's done. I'm officialy dedicated to tkd for the next three years of my life. Starting this june I can kiss my friends good bye. Man there's so much more, but it's too complicated to even write or think about. Right now I just want to go sleep But I can't becuase I have to go downstairs and put together a routine for a tournament in three weeks. I'm going up against my second in state champ so i ahve to show her up. Man I just hurt right now. I've been teaching nonstop since nine in the morning. mr.B went to the tournament today so Mrs. B had me teach all the classes. It was fun i saw, becuase I could do it my own way without mr.b watching over my shoulder. The kids had a lot of fun though. Even if it was only a one person class for a while becuase of the rain. It's all good though. See when I get to teach the way I want it makes me want to be an instructor but when I have to do the crap that Mr.B does it makes me hate shit. I dunno man. I know how much my mom is dealing with to get me into this world championship position. I jus feel like, I'm letting everybody down somehow. I dont expect to get first first first like I always do, I just want a first place in form and get my uniform with world champ written on the back, and do it before my brother does or anyone else, or marc. I dunno man. I used to feel that I could do anything, i was kelsey man Kelsey rocks kelsey does it all. But I don't anymore. Once I gave up that one time I realized how easy it is to just not care. And now I don't want to care. But no, I'm going to work really hard now becuae I know poeple are counting on me, mr.b especially. They are really helping and I will feel so guilty if I come back not placing at all just becuase I was a lazy ass and decided to be with my friends all the damn time instead of practicing like I should. stuff 2 do: study for that 90 word spanish quiz on monday that i havn't even started studying for but i got the stuff for a week ago.... put together double's routing becuase i can't let monica just walk away with first place practice form so it's better than greg's get my music down for festival tournament in three weeks Bah tons more but that already is a lot to do man, bah fuck this Im tired man and I have to go work on my routine. peace

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Time: 6:40 pm. Mood: drained.

I made a neato icon. You like? Yes tha is me that mustache and the horns, all of it is me yupyupyup. Man I am so bored. I was supposed to take Rica's kids to see daredevil...which I've seen 1.5 times already. My mom wants me to stay home and study for a spanish quiz. God it makes me so angry. and I know I'm gonna fail it anyway. man I'm just not feeling good. I put together some crappy routine for the tournament coming up with doubles. My left hand isn't as fast though so I need to work on it. RIght now I could pass out on the floor but I have so much else to do. Damn it! I'm so bothered. Bah I am just so bored. Just talking to Chris right now, he amuses me so it's okay. Hey somehow I'm ending up maybe going to the movies even though my mom just told me I'm supposed to be inside dying... yo no se

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Time: 7:37 pm. Mood: excited.

Despite the fact that I was told I am not allowed to take ricas kids anywhere, go anywhere with Erin, or anywhere else I am somehow ending up going to the movies with leland and other ppl. Weird how things work out? Hmm well hopefully tonight will not be so terrible and friday night. That would be nice if it wasn't. Well yup. Idunno. Yo no se as I say. hey that rhymes man

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Time: 11:09 pm. Mood: aggravated.

No it's like he thinks he understands but he has no fuckin clue. Just becuase he thinks his life is so fucked that everyone in the whole damn world has it better. His life wasn't just fucked over like mine was yah know and he knows all about this tkd shit I remember calling him like right after I competed at Worlds practically crying with happyness he knows how important it is too me and now I'm so angry. Along with that I'm already in a bad mood becuase I got fucking grounded for no reason. God I just want to fucking hit somebody right now. My best friend is mad at me. I'm grounded. My best guy friend is mad at me. My mom is mad at me. AND I was supposed to be studying tonight for a damn spanish test and I can't study now becuase I'm too angry so I'm gonna fuckin fail. GOD IM SO ANGRY!

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