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Today has been horridble. First I'm talking to Leland and he's one of the few poeple I actually like talking to. And around like I don't know he left for a little while to I said okay he'll be back any minute and I layed my head down. Next thing I know I wake up and it's six o clock and he's gone. So I am like damn and I quickly turn everything off and run up to my room and pretend I was asleep the whole night. Then within a half an hour my mom comes into my room screaming and kicks me out of bed. She thre me a shovel and told me to go outside and look at the door. and it was pretty hard to get outside. She couldn't let the dogs out becuase the snow piled up against the door. And as soon as I get outside she locks me out and says I can't get back in untill I'm done shoveling. So I'm out there for like a half an hour in my pajamas and no shoes shoveling. And finally I can get it. She yells and at me tells me I'm the "worst fucking child in the universe, every teenager is better than you" and that I need to go to hell. She yelled becuase shet hinks I am lazy and I don't clean up after myself. Then she saw a knife with peanut butter on it from my sandwich last night, and she almost threw it at me. And that pisses me off too, becuase it's just my closet that is dirty. Everything else I keep clean and organized. On my own. She cleans my brothers room for fucks sake. I find the best approach is to just maintain silenve along with a deer in the headlights look... And she starts yelling and slapping me saying that this is bullshit. A lot more shit happened. But after that I went back up to bed. Then she went into my room and told me once again I'm the worst in the world. And that she expects me to have the entire house clean when she comes home, all the laundry done, and the entire porch and deck shoveled. And I just said okay and she left. I just got out of bed though now. It's not like I slept any. Then my brother came home and he found a note she left him. So I just got off the phone with dad. I miss him so much now. He knew how to keep her under control.I can't control her, I can just sit and watch be subject to her anger. Ever since I can remember I always stopped what I was doing and cleaned before she came, got on my best bahavior. Acted like I was doing nothing. I've perfected the art of avoideing someone that lives in the same house as you, and decieving them into believing that your... I don't know. But I've been doing it all of my life and I am sick of it. I'm sick of living in this damn house with her. She always picked her job over me and greg and I really never cared. But now with dad gone, it can't be like that. I would run away. I could. But you know, I know it won't solve anything. I'll just be another lost kid with nobody in the world that cares and I'l grow up and live a fucked up life. No it's better to stick it out here. But man I just feel so. numb/dead. I always feel that way though, I never cared about what my family though. But now I'm crying, becuase I'm stuck here. There is not way out I have to be here. God whatever I'm just not happy. |
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rejected.