7:03 pm.
I still havn't had a chance to get online and post, so i will contunue writing.
Stupid ass brother is pissing the hell out of me. Yelling about the dogs. I take care of Mystic so he best not say anything to me. Little idiot... god he makes me so angry. He's been online all day, just smiling at me. It drives me insane.
Of course he is right here reading over my should. And in 5-4-3-2-1...
MOM KELSEY IS WRITING TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT ME
NO IM NOT! IM WRITING IN MY JOURNAL AND I CAN WRITE WHATEVER IN THERE
Yes hunny, it is her journal and her thoughts so you can't tell her to stop.
SO I STILL HATE HER
YEAH WELL I HATE YOU TOO.
Kelsey damn it the truth is I don't want to waste my breath on you.
Hmmm great family communication. God I swear my dad needs to come back, I can't handle all of this bull shit.
And now she's riding my case about something else, not gonna write it though. Mainly it's about Marc. Never get involved with poeple that you are going to have to put up with at work or anywhere, for a long time. most likely things won't work out, and you'll end up hating each other.
Yah it is like that, don't think it's not. Hmmm I have been reading my book. I'm starting to understand it more. Why the words are so strangely drawn and how they are spaced, and how it goes with the theory. Eh it is too confusing. I just hope I don't have another nightmare.
Man I'm so hungy but my mom won't fix dinner, I need food and I'm sick of mountain dew, doritos, oreos, frappuccinos, and coffee. That has been my meals for the past like I don't know how many days. THere is like NOTHING nutritional in this house. Mary said she'd get me a footlong from subway, so that should last me.... two days? And friday I can get food at the mall....maybe not healthy food but better than nothing.
God my stomach hurts right now so damn much, I'm just going crazy. I'm already stressin enough about my mom, and tkd, and music, and friends, and now guys, and greg, too much to list.
Not that anyone wants to hear this, but I get so freaked out from stress I get myself sick somehow. I think that is why I have been sick recently. I just don't know. It is so easy to just pretend everything is fine when I talk to poeple, but it's not. This whole world champion thing is starting to scare me. There is no point in going, to get other than first. And I'll only get that by working hard. But my heart just isn't in it. I don't give a fuck anymore about it. And lacrosse season is about to start, one week till try outs. I have the endurance and ability, I'll make it. So add practice and games and conditiong to my schedule. Then oh goodness tkd teaching, cti, which I need to get my sheet filled out. But I don't know three poeple outside of tkd that are willing to be called by ata and interviewed about me, so that they know I'm not some molestor teaching little kids and then gonna steal them. Confusing... I dunno. Right now I feel like throwing up. I'll get over it. I always do.
Right now this is what my schedule is gonna look like:
Weekdays:
2-4:30 lacrosse practice
5-9:30 tkd, including at least an hour of teaching every other day, some days two.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are lacrosse games.
Friday night I have sparring that I teach, and then Sparring that I take so I get out around 7:45 and from there I go whereever, most likely mall to chill with Erin
Saturdays
9 am to 2:30 Two hours of teaching almost, and taking all classes, then private lesson.
Sundays are my only free day. I just sleep on sundays, usually.
Not to mention, waking up at 4:30 AM EVERY DAY to practice all of my required knowledge, (forms) and 45 minutes of double numchucks (spelling?) I don't plan on getting a triple championchip world, but I want my forms, and I don't want to embaress myself with my poor weapon schools. Unfortunely the long bow and kamas are not competition weapons... The only one's I'm skilled at.
God I write too much. But see that is how bored I am right now. It isn't like anyone is actually going to read all of this crap... this is like my little mental friend right now when I have nothing to do. I am wondering when I can get online to put it up.... Gah. THis is a lot of writing man.
I always said, that after I got my championship, it would be over. i think about it and yeah, that is it. It is going to be over. I will teach tkd, but another style. I will go somewhere where nobody knows me and can change anything or criticize me. It is kind of funny too, in 6th grade I told me best friend that throughtout my life I am going to move over and over to different parts of the world, so nobody will know me. Invent my person along the way, I don't know why. Maybe I have some sort of pchycological problem? I don't want anyone to know me, and when they do, for it to be a good kind of knowing, not a bad memory.
Haha this is what my plan was, in 6th grade:
Save up all the money i can untill I graduate. Taket the jeep that I get for my 16th birthday and toss all my cd's and music, whatever I need and just toss it all in the back. The last day of highschool, I'm gonna just go. Never say goodbye. Nobody would know. I was just gonna dissapear like that, and drive untill I get to florida. Get into a nice local area, not some damn vacation place. Live near the beach. ANd I would work at the coffee shop for the rest of my life, and by night I would be out partying with new poeople. Maybe even fall in love with some guy, and just live a perfect happy carefree life. I also made a rule to myself, that to prevent myself from having the problems my parents have, I decided I would not get a credit card. I'm just gonna dunno live off of cash, becuase once you get in debt you can't stop. And I don't want money rulling my life. I'd teach violin also, to poeple for free. and I would do so much else. Keep with art, and everything like that. I was only gonna follow myself and do what I wanted. ANd i decided that I would save myself the hassle of poeple ever having to care about me, and I would leave, and go somehwere else. And finally so i wouldn't have to go insane, I gonna do something stupid and end up dead at 55. I don't want to get old and crazy, that is the most horrid thing I can imagine. No, there are worse tings, but this is just hard to explain. It's a fear of mine.
Looking back on all that, first of all I think, DAMN WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING! I mean haha yes I do want to do that. But it isn't possible. The only thing I have to save myself is music and art, and occasionaly a few good friends along the way. I mean honestly I would keep everything the same as it is said up there, but I know it ain't possible. It would be nice though.
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angry.
thoughtful.