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Crazy night........!! [28 May 2005|05:24pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Yeah.. so... um last night ............

Well Matthew and I were fooling around. I just so happened to be naked and he was half naked and it was going good. For some reason if he takes off a piece of my clothing... he has to take EVERYTHING off but anyways. We were having fun until MY FATHER walks in. Now... we were in the livingroom, the kitchen is RIGHT there and that's where our entrance is. Ohhh boy. So we scurry to get a blanket over us... mainly ME because I'm the one with NO clothes on. My father just starts talking to us and walking around getting ready because he was going to go back out. TRUST ME, I thought we were FUCKED... I thought he knew something and just was playing it cool and then alla sudden -WAM- "Cara can you get up and do this for me" or something. Nope...
So he goes into the bathroom and Matt and I get all our clothes on and he immediatly takes out a cigarette as I get up to go into the kitchen. I ask him if he wants a drink and act as if nothing happened. Then my father comes out, had a little small talk and he left. Matt and I let out a sigh of relief... but honestly I still didn't think it was over.
So a little later Matthew and I had sex... cuddled... and then he had to go. I was waiting for the morning to come along just to hear my mother and father needing to talk to me. Did it happen? No. Either my father didn't notice... or he's just not caring for some weird reason. I don't think my father is THAT oblivious... or is he?...


3 one two STEPPED Lemme see you DANCE

[21 May 2005|01:16pm]
[ mood | awake ]

My boyfriend whack.. he pretty much stripped my clothes off OUTSIDE - granted it was at night but it was also in a nice wide open area where he ran away with them!!!!

-shakes head-.. what do to with him...

2 one two STEPPED Lemme see you DANCE

[14 May 2005|02:07pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Well things have been on and off around here. My mother and I got into a couple kinks from the last really big fights. Mainly her and my father have been going at it. She was all dramatic yet once again...... Anyways, I got done Sophmore testing... and all that.

Now I have a performance coming up quick... Matthew has been bugging me about it because he wants to go really bad.. so I'm picking up the tickets today which will be a load off my shoulders merely because now all I have to worry about is the actual perfromance.

Matt and I are really doing good... like better then before, and that was when I thought things couldn't get better. I'm freaking myself out though... mainly because I'm afraid that it may be too good to be true? Like it wasn't before but I mean.. it's just getting reeeeeallly too good.
The more we talk about our problems, the more we allow each other into each others lives... the more we help those problems and show that we will ALWAYS be there, allows each other to talk about them more... anf it ends up beinga circle... which makes up closer... and closer..
It's not like an obsession because we're not spending time together everyday all day. Yeah he comes over every night and we do have our days where we spend it with each other but it's not like we are the only things in out lives. We both hang out with our friends... we both do our own things. So it's not one of those relationships. Yet we DO see each other more then the usual... but we don't get annoyed with each other so it's not a problem.
SEX... we DO have sex.. and do other sexual activities but it's also NOT what our relationship is about. We talk and go out and do things way more then the "in the bedroom" activities..... Although,... let me just say he is SO amazing....

I went to prom.. not with Matthew though... he was WICKED upset about that. BUT he did say he didn't want to go... and I wasn't going to make him. He is going to mine though...
It was a lot of fun and I got a lot of pictures :) I went with Doug.. he is such a sweetheart! <3

That night caused a lot of things though. With Matt and I... see... he got upset over it... and he showed up to the prom. Couldn't get in so he was pissed. Didn't think of hitting up my cell.
He wanted to set off the fire alarm so the water went off but he decided to save that for the BG prom. HAH :x.... I didn't say that...........

Then the next time I was talking to him and he started thinking that he was a bad boyfriend because he didn't take me to it.. and he doesn't buy me things every sec he has... nor takes me out places..
But it's not his fault. One he does not have a car. Which makes mobility a problem and his mother wont allow him to get one until he sells one of his other ones (need to be worked on). THEN... buying me things... completely unnecessary, but he knows he doesn't need to... no he WANTS to.. gah!! He told me that he's going to spoil me bunches before he leaves for SC... then spoil me bunches when he comes home... aww

HE'S GETTINGS A TATTOO THERE.. AND PEIRCINGS... ahhh -drool-... I'm going to die.. so hott!!!!!!!!!!

I'M IN DRIVERS ED RIGHT NOW!!!! eeeee...... so excited...

so hit me up ladies... I'm supposed to go to the beach sometime soon...

2 one two STEPPED Lemme see you DANCE

[13 May 2005|02:52pm]
mmm Why isn't anyone using this anymore?..
1 one two STEPPED Lemme see you DANCE

Oh damn [04 May 2005|03:16pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Things are just slowly slipping away... and I no longer have any control. I just lock up and dont back down, because I know if I show any remorse - I'm done. Any weakness... DONE. But I can't do it.
My mother has finally cracked. She wont tought me because I threatened to hit her back.. either that or get so many more police involved then before. But she can't hold it... she just threatens...
Almost punched me - I duck.. she tells me not to tell anyone she did it because she didn't. YEAH WELL THREATENING IS JUST AS BAD.
Picked up an ash tray and almost threw it at me... only reason she didn't was because my father was there.
THREW a cup at me.... Father was there.

Finally he's seeing what I've had to deal with. Finally he is understanding. FINALLY.

Her and I got into two huge fights in a row... Yesterday and Last night - There was another not long before that either.

One during vacation :

She yelled at me for not picking up my cell phone at Matthew's when I was talking to her on his house phone. She was telling me that if I was going to use it then I don't deserve it.
My phone was on SOS... meaning that I don't receive anything anyone gives me... and I can only call 911. Usually when I get into an area where I do get service, I will receive them but I didn't. Funny huh... no voicemail.. no missed calls.. yeah FUCK YOU! I USE THE PHONE MORE THEN YOU DO! ALL YOU DO IS LEAVE IT AT HOME WHEN YOU GO OUT AND USE IT AT HOME WHEN YOU COULD USE THE HOUSE PHONE!
So she flipped... and I went home with my father.
The next day when my father was not home my mother started bringing up how Aimee was in Foster care and dadada so she automatically assumed I got my information about that shit from her. She told me that Aimee told her.. I ask Aimee and Aimee has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. Now. I got my information from SO many people... there are so many people in this world who's been in or is in foster care GET OVER IT.
So she FLIPPED... ran out and started getting in MY face and screaming.. so I started screaming back. She pulled up her fist and I ducked.. which all that shit happened... Then she got in my face and started screaming baby over and over again.. KNOWING... I was going to flip out because she knows I hate it when people do that. So I called her a bitch and she stepped back and laughed.. and said "see I didn't even call you anything" THEN SHE TRIED TO TELL ME THE REASON SHE WAS CALLING ME THAT WAS BECAUSE I WAS SCREAMING AT HER LIKE ONE BUT HELLO SHE WAS SCREAMING AT ME AS MUCH AS I WERE TO HER IF NOT MORE!!! So it because this HUGE war....

Yesterday... I was sick... throwing up.. you know what everyones been doing. Well she was complaining because she had to take a piss... and then yelled at me because I didn't get out. So I yelled back and said I was sick.. and she said "Fine, maybe I will just piss in your room" So I told her to stop being a bitch and she got all pissed. Then my father came home and she freaked out at me... and I stayed calm and she couldn't handle it... so she got pissed and picked up an ash tray. So then I got brought to dance...

Then... that night... she started another fight but she was talking to my father telling him that I need to be punished and I shouldn't beable to see Matt and all this shit. Then she brought up how I call her a bitch and all that stuff. So I came out and I said that she calls me shit like that all the time... I learn from the best... Examples Examples... and she got even more pissed and through a cup at me.. and my father FLIPPED out saying that, that's where I learn things and dadada.

Then she tried to blame all that on me... that I pushed her to become this bad.. and out of control. But see it's funny.. because she was like this with my Brother... Father.. she was like this before I was even born. DON'T FUCKING BLAME THIS ON ME.

Ah and then today.. it went to shit because Matthew was all worried and I wouldn't talk to him. How typical am I?... He got frustrated and tried to tell me that he was there and stuff. I didn't know what to say except for "okay" so he took that as if I wasn't listening and got mad.... then the next period he said sorry but I had already written a note about being sorry... and how I will talk to him about it later. Things didn't get better until my last period.. because everyone in that class is just so fun to be around and the teacher is so stupid.

I told my mother she needs help.... like... serious help.. and she got even more mad because she can't handle the truth and doesn't want to admit it.

She's acting like nothing happened... like always.

She's sick......

I can't wait to get away from this place...

I'm in drivers ed...... so I will have my license soon enough

My dog got his balls chopped... he's coming home now.

Lemme see you DANCE

[01 May 2005|04:37pm]
[ mood | sore ]

Yeah so I went to the Sad Cafe last night to see my friends band play. They are so good <3 It really was fun. I went with Kayla and Greg... [ 7 - 11 pm ]

I came home to Matthew sleeping on my couch. I sat next to him and woke him up by accident... it was cute. We cuddled [ 12 - 2 am ], then my rents came home. My mother was SO drunk... she was all
"Awww... my babies! Come to bed... Cara over here... and let me help Matthew. Should I put on the bathroom light just in case you need to go? This is a strange house for you" dadada

HELLO he's only been here day after day for over a year now lol.....

Well I need to take a bath because I have a stomach ache... and a migrane. I might go over to Matthew's later to relax in his whirl pool or something.... <3

Love you

1 one two STEPPED Lemme see you DANCE

[29 Apr 2005|11:16pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

Lets see... now Matthew and I were supposed to spend the night together tonight but it didn't work out, I ended up staying until 10[30] ish.
I walked in around 4, and we talked and he made some dinner... and we chilled out for a while. It was nice. Then as it became darker, we cuddled and watched some tv. Then a movie came on - SPIDERMAN! It became more intimate... yes... during the movie Spiderman.. we had SEX -gasps-. It fucking rocked... aside from the fact that he was TEASING me. Oh and some comments that we were making in the middle of it which made it so fucking funny..... Then we cuddled and talked... it was a more serious talk. Stuff about insurence... and birth control... and how he's turning 18 soon and if my mother and I get into a fight he's afraid that she will fuck him over... and how he's getting an apt until I'm capable of moving out...
You know.. we talk about this stuff.. but we also talk about the fact that it would be ignorant for us to say 'oh we are going to get married and this and that' Yeah we both agree and I'm sure all you do too.. that it's a nice thought. Even talking to your friends about what you want to do with the person you are with... how you want to get married and blah blah blah... and yeah we talk about it all the time. About how the problems with my mother and I.. they will be gone soon... because we're going to move to South Carolina or Arizona and just live the perfect life together. It's cute. But we can't tell the future... all I can say is that I will ALWAYS be here for him as a best friend...

Tomorrow night I'm going to try and spend the night over there....but before that Greg Kay and I are going to The Sad Cafe to see my friends band play.


Lemme see you DANCE

[28 Apr 2005|09:48am]
[ mood | content ]

Gah dammit... see, Matt was having his problems over the past few days... and now, as he put it, it's my turn. He told me that since I was there for him throughout everything these past days... he's going to be here for me now.

Him and I are doing really good. He has really allowed himself to open up around me, as I have with him. And it's making our relationship more unbelievable then ever.

But my mother and I got into a HUGE... fight.. bigger then usual. It was pretty bad... but eh.. I'm fine now...

Lemme see you DANCE

the day before yesterday [27 Apr 2005|10:33am]
[ mood | confused ]

Matt James Aimee and I went to Kids Kove for the day. We actually went down the paths and ended up in this area where there were huge sand and rock piles. It was fun as we roamed around but Matthew's mood changed within a snap of the fingers.

I asked him what was wrong... but as always he said nothing. So I backed off because I figure that we have had a talk before this about saying nothing was wrong when something was and I figured maybe he may talk to me later.

He didn't.

As he sat on the top of a sand hill.. I went up there to talk to him. I really pushed it out of him... because I was getting fed up. I sat there and said..

"Matt. Look at you. You haven't spoke to any of us... you don't act this way... at least not around me, so you can't tell me nothing's wrong. I'm ALWAYS right when it comes to this, and I have yet to be proven wrong with that. Remember our talk? You don't want me telling you all is fine when it's not, neither do I with you... we have agreed to talk about things... Please at least just tell me you don't want to talk about it"

He sat there... shruged at first and it went quiet for a little. A couple minutes later EVERYTHING spilled out.

M "I don't like you hanging out with Aimee.. I'm not going to tell you not to but it just bothers me"
C "Why?"
M "because she has managed to get all her friends into trouble... and she gets into trouble. I see you guys hanging out more and more, and I just don't want you to end up where she did."
C "Matt I know when to take myself out of bad situations"
M "See.. no you don't you like getting into fights"
C "That's MY problem though.. not hers.."
M "Yeah but she instigates those things"

and it went from there... I explained that we are great.. even 'best' friends if you will. And she has yet to put me in a position where I know I need to get away from. I told him that I wont hang out with anyone he doesn't want to but he needs to have a little more faith in me... and even if I do like to get into fights (physical). It's only when there's a reason.

Then... we started getting mroe in depth with things...

Guys... He hates how guys look or act around me.. He's so afraid to loose me...

M "Guys always look at you... always make comments and stuff... I hate it because I'm afraid you are going to just up a leave for one of them"
C "You know I wont do that Matthew. They are my friends... they joke around"
M "Not just your friends but people who don't even know you"
C "Well I just ignore them, they don't mean anything"
M "Yeah but how do you know that ignoring them is enough.. I mean they can just easily take advantage of you"
C "Matt. I have been in that position before.. I know not to put myself there again. I'm a big girl.."
M "I know you are but it can happen"
C "I know it can happen.. it has... But I've taken boxing... karate.. anything to keep my strength up for those reasons"
M "How do you know that they haven't done the same thing knowing that girls like you have taken those things just for these purposes?"
C "It's call the balls sweeti... and plus.. I'm always with a big crowd of people.. I know better now, not to go to dangerous places on my own"
M "And that's another thing.. I HATE hearing about your past.. I know you can't help it.. but just knowing what's happened kills me"
C "Well Matt.. really.. there's nothing either one of us can do except for learn from it.. and move on...."

So that went on... See.. his problems like this is all because of Julie. Julie had simular problems towards mine. And it puts Matt into a bad situation because he got hurt really bad by her from them. Which puts me in a weird situations because it feels as though I'm being compaired to her even though I can completely understand why he would be worried....

Then music got involved... He hates most rap... and in the car I was listening to it...

M "I hate how you listen to stuff that is so degrading"
C "What?!"
M "Rap... it's always so degrading and I don't want to see you end up talking.. acting that way. And people do.. because it ruins your mind"
C "Matt! I listen to rap because it's good music to dance too.. I dance... I go to clubs... it's not like I purposly look for music that is degrading."
M "I know..."
C "And of top of that! I listen to SO much... and ALL types of music."
M "I know..."
C "Wait.. how are you supposed to go to clubs with me if you hate that stuff"
M "I hate clubs.. I hate big crowds of people"
C "whoa... wait.. why did you tell me you wanted to go then?"
M "Because I'd feel more secure if I knew the surroundings.. and the guys. If I was there I'd beable to do something about whatever"
C "Matt! I'm with my girls.. nothing can happen.. I know how to get myself out of things like that"
M "I know.. I just worry"

and that went from there....

There were a couple talks from there.. but basically he just said that they are stupid.. and he knows he shouldn't think or worry about these things because he knows I'm capable of taking care of myself.. but it's hard for him beacuse of his past relationship.

Which is understandable.. but I don't know what to do...

Then when I was at the pool hall yesterday... Eddie.. who is in his LATE 40's.. and is the owner of the place came up to me and kissed my cheek saying "aw the prettiest girl in Merrimack"...

Matt turned to me as he left and asked me to tell him not to do that again....

Tell me something.. is that something to worry about?.... I don't know.. He just said it made him uncomfortable because he didn't know him and stuff... -shrugs-

But as the day went on he thanked me for everything... for pushing it out of him because he was so happy after talking to me. I am so grateful to be his girlfriend.. I don't think he understands my feelings for him...

He is so protective over me.... but we're communicating more which is allowing him to let go of somethings. He just needs to adjust... just like I do.

tell me what you think... :/

Lemme see you DANCE

The call.... [25 Apr 2005|08:28am]
[ mood | crappy ]

He called me while I was at the club.. around 12ish...

He sounded either ... drunk... stoned... crying... or just really emotional

All the girls said crying because he was sniffling. - with the exception of Steph because she said he sounded stoned.

He said

"Hey Cara it's me, um... um,.. I was, uh... going to stay up late enough to talk to you but I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed. I hope you had a fun time tonight. I want you to know I love you more then anything in this world. I just wanted to let you know... goodnight"

Lemme see you DANCE

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