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[02 Jul 2005|09:55am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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Yep so... we broke up... like not a week thing.. but a real thing.. we do plan on getting back together. - When we figure out what our problem is...
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[29 Jun 2005|03:46pm] |
See... Matthew and I ... since we've done it all... it's almost as if we are bored. So we put things in our heads and a problem appears...
We see our friends.. how much they fight with each other... and we think... hey are we supposed to be like that too... so we put things in our heads and a problem appears...
It's like we have nothing better to do... and it's fucking with us.. and I can't take it... I don't know what to do...
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| PROBLEM |
[29 Jun 2005|03:42pm] |
ahh... I don't know what to do...
I love... and adore Matthew so much...
but... Shawn keeps coming back... - I know I wont get what I have with Matthew... with Shawn... but he keeps coming BACK. I will push and push.. not see him for months.. and he will come back telling me how much he misses me and how much he wishes he could have me.. and how he would give Matthew the world to have me.
I'm 16 and committed to someone like whoa... is this unhealthy?
Matthew and I are stuck in our relationship because we have done everything.. it's like the next step is to get engaged but thats crazy!!!. We never fight.. it's like everything is perfect... but we tend to put shit in our heads so we DO cause a problem because we are both like that.
And I know.. I fuck up anything good I have... but I'm 16!!! Am I suppose to do this? Am I supposed to be in this relationship? Why am I in the relationship...
Its' like I can't be without him... but I can't be with him... not now.... Am I not ready for this? Am I not ready for this commitment?. He had doubts that I wasn't ready.. but I thought it was a bad thing and tried to convince him otherwise.. but in the process I didn't want to loose him and tried to tell him how much I wanted to stay with him..
But then Shawn comes around.. and it makes me think about this summer.. and how Matthew is leaving.. THIS SUMMER.. July5 - August5.... and should I really be with him? Should I really do this?
If I am having doubts... or even allow this to happen.. does this mean that I should stop it before it gets worse? or am I just fucking with myself?
I will admit.. I like Shawn.. I really... REALLY do... and always have. But Matthew is my world and is it really worth taking that risk of loosing Matt?
Gah! I am so confused.. should I stay with Matt until he comes home and see how my feelings are then... ? or Should I be single for the summer?.....
HELP .. why am I doing this to myself
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[19 Jun 2005|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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We are BACK together!!! -sigh- my love... my sweet, sweet love.
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[15 Jun 2005|10:54am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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My love, my dear, sweet love. I can feel us fading. Won’t you come back to me?
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[15 Jun 2005|09:24am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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LoneStar... Amazed |
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Can this be true?
Am I dreaming?
I'm still holding you tight..
I don't... I can't loose you....
You are my world.
So... am I dreaming?
Will I wake up and everything be okay?
Nothing was wrong to begin with...
Why is this happening?
Help me.
I love you..
But I'm loosing my grip....
Single.....
and heartbroken.
Can't go to school.
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[12 Jun 2005|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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-tears-......... lies... heartbreak...
What am I supposed to do?... Forgive him again?...
We ar falling apart.. and are so close to breaking up... not because of the lies but because
-we are far too committed at our age
-afraid we will regret not dating more when we are older
He lied to me... he told me he stopped smoking for my birthday.. did he? No he fell back into it but was afraid to tell me...
He promised me he was never going to smoke pot again... he did.. last night.
I had doubts before... as you could tell from past entries... womens intuision I suppose?
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[12 Jun 2005|10:01am] |
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mood |
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rejected |
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What did I do....
I fucked up!.... How? - I don't fucking know.. so why do I feel like absolute shit?! Because I know I did something................
Last night.
----I saw Shawn. Yes... THE Shawn, came over. Then Barry dropped Matt off. This was the first time they met. Matt knew about Shawn though and specifically told me before hand that he doesn't have a problem with Shawn as long as he doesn't try anything. He wont... he respects our relationship and most of all me.
So would that be it? Maybe... but why, if Shawn doesn't bother him...?
Anyways... Matt seemed off, he even admitted to being spacey but when I asked him what was wrong he'd just say nothing. So he fell asleep for pretty much the 2 hours he was here... and I did my own thing. He woke up around 11[30] and we talked a bit. Mainly about drinking...
he's like "I don't want you to do it or get hurt dadada"
me "Well you are going to drink with your sister in SC"
him "she's just my sister"
me "yeah and they are JUST my friends."
him "well friends drunk end up doing things they wouldn't normally and that wont happen with my sister... dadada"
me "I only drink with people I know I can trust both drunk and sober plus social drinker don't get trashed.. they just have one or two.. not a big deal"
him "yeah but if you slip I will fall back into it and start drinking like I used to. I need you to be strong"
me "So it's okay for you to slip but I can't?"
him "-smiles- yeah"
me " that is so not cool"
him "I told you I was hypocritical"
me "Matt.. I'm not strong, there has been so many times where I almost did drink because of all the shit with my parents and school... YOU were my drug YOU were there for me.. yeah you will be in SC this summer."
him "we will still talk"
me "you don't get it..."
That's when it happened. We didn't fight it was merely a conversation... but he kind of ignored me afterwards. So I layed down on the floor as he stayed on the couch staring at the ceiling. Then he had to leave... and he almost left without even saying goodbye. And when he did say goodbye he just did this fake wave and turned around. I stood up though because I honestly didn't expect that...
Was it about the drinking?
Well.. he was already in this mood when he got home......
But did it trigger it off?
Possibly....
But was caused it in the first place....?
Ugh.
Shawn made me so happy when he visited me though. Do you know what he told me?!
"Cara, I wont die until I ATLEAST go out with you... I don't care if I'm 100 years old.. I wont die until that day"
and then he said...
"I would give Matthew ANYTHING just to be with you..."
And he couldn't even look at me without needing to give me a hug or tell me how beautiful he thought I was. He told me that this summer I have to visit him once a week... I told him I would. I miss him, we were so close before... even just as friends. We stopped hanging out though because it started to become too much. We both liked each other... but we knew we couldn't make anything of it because of Matt.. so we drifted. Hopefully this time things will work out...
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[11 Jun 2005|03:21pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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ahh... bad.. I'm doing bad. I don't know what to do.. I love him.. don't I? What am I saying, of course I do!
But why am I allowing myself to start liking other people...?
Why am I doubting us?
What am I doing to myself? What am I talking about ?! I love him.. I do. I really do. Nothing's going to change that.
Then why am I doubting us?! Why am I drifting from him... why am I letting him go?
Not possible. He wont allow it.. his grasp is too strong.
No he will push away if I push away...
Yeah but he wont allow us to fall apart..
Right, but I will hurt him... it will hurt him. He's already noticing things...
He's noticing things only because I'm getting more attention from other guys. Guys I never used to get attention from. Why? Because of my tan... my new outfits for summer. I'm showing off my body more... They are noticing me... and I like it... don't I?
I love HIM.. all that it irrelevant!!
Is it really?
I don't know what to do.. winter I wear darker clothes and more of them... summer I wear brighter clothes and less of them... - I was more depressed wearing all black... I enjoy having my chipper lifestyle. I love being able to do what I want... I'm getting my license soon... I will be almost on my own.
People who never used to notice me... notice me now.. fuck them. It's for looks and looks only..
But people who noticed me before... just never mentioned anything more then friends... that's different.. I liked him for a long time as did he. He was with someone.... then I went out with Matt... He's no longer with her, and he now tells me...
Old crushes... Old relationships... coming back to haunt me. New people I find attractive. It makes me miss being single... Makes me miss dating around.............
I love Matthew... I really do.. but then why is this happening?
CARA YOU ARE 16 YEARS OLD... YOU SHOULDN'T BE COMMITED LIKE THIS.. YOU SHOULD BE DATING.
But love is more important.
NOT AT THIS AGE... VARITY IS... SCHOOL IS... FRIENDS...
Why is this happening?
I will talk to him I guess?................ He's leaving this summer. What am I going to do?!
This will be good for us... it will allow us to take a good look and when he comes back... the reaction.. the contact.. the spark... will it be there? You have to wait and see.. These crushes, all they are is attraction... do you really want to give up something more then attraction... love attraction emotion everything just for something that may not even work.
I have something amazing... so why do I want to ruin it?
HELP
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[05 Jun 2005|07:26pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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A lot A lot A lot has been going on lately...
Drivers Ed.. almost over..
School.. almost over..
I've been fixing my car.. well my altinator.. rebuilt it.. to find out that I need a new battery. Ugh. I also am probably going to need a new windshield... SCOTTY PLEASE BEABLE TO FIX IT.
Fathers been paying for a lot of the things... he's registering it.. getting it inspected.. yadda yadda, but thats all because he needs something to drive until he gets a new car. Heh.
Matt is good.. we are good. It's finally hitting us... that he's really leaving. Yeah, it's only for a month. But it's during the summer, it's not like I will be busy with school... maybe work but seriously. I was hoping to spend my summer with him. PLUS... a month is a long time considering I've spent every night with him since we went out and before.......................
Parents are fighting again... and both trying to win me over. Fathers paying the shit for my car.. and my mother is buying me new clothes and shit... heh..
Grades... er not that good at the moment.. I hope I can get them up..
OHMYGOD.. I am going to KILL Kim Megher... I HATE her... she got one of my closest friends in Jail.. Bill Weilin... (got bail)... NOW my COUSIN Beau, yeah he's in Jail because of that skank. I swear to God, it's funny.. she's afraid of me. She will be talking to someone and if I walk past them she will go into the closest room or bathroom. She was talking to Matt and she said "hey I will walk with you" and then she saw me and then disappeared into the bathroom. She wont look at me.. or anything. She KNOWS better. I made it clear that if she see's me she better turn around and walk the other way because I wont deal with her bull shit anymore.
Anyways, Dane, Billy and I are making plans for the club .... cya
Love you all
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