EvilishKitty's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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LALALALA.......... [04 Feb 2004|03:54pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | ~*My Town ~ Martian Puppets*~ ]

*ponders where to start*

Well I got my arm back! I no longer carry about this awkward contraption on my arm. Its alittle achy....but oh well.....least its gone!!! I couldnt be happier about that.

My social life has been great lately. All my fears of lonliness seemed to have been for nothing. I have plenty of people surrounding me lately who care about me. Im never bored on the weekends....I always have something to do. I was asked to be my bestfriends maid of honor :D That too keeps me busy...always dress shopping....getting ideas. I cant wait till I get to get all dressed up. Ive had my eye on a gorgeous corset and skirt. Gonna cost me out the ass!!!! hahaha....

Other then all of that.....Nothing else major is goin on...thankfully.

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˚•˚˚*sob*˚˚•˚ [18 Dec 2003|11:12pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | ˚*•Epiphany*Staind•*˚ ]

.........blah. I dont know what to say.............my heart feels broken...........

™£¢∞§¶•ªø¨¥†®´∑å∑Ωßåß∂ƒ©˙∆˚¬…≤≤≤µ ˜∫√ç≈ΩΩ≈ç√∞

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Is this goodbye? [16 Dec 2003|11:08pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | ^> Smashing Pumpkins ><>^ ]

Many thoughts running through my mind this week. Anger, saddness, heartbreak. Im severing all things I feel are hurting me. Including this computer. I cant stand it anymore....I wish I had never got involved with people on here. I wish I never got hurt. And I wish it isnt gonna as hard as I think it will to do so. GRRR...fuck it....like Id be missed? I think not...Im already forgotten.

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Alittle catch-up............ [14 Dec 2003|08:56pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | *.*.* Red Hot Moon-Rancid*.*.* ]

12/o7/o3 9:30 p.m.

Well...tonight is my second night here in the apartment. I love it. Its slowly becoming my own place.....home. I feel alittle secluded with no phone....but hey.....how can I complain? Ive cleaned down everything so it feels new. Its getting to be more comfortable. My kids couldnt be happier, which of course, makes me estatic. They run around at their own free will. Where as before I had to keep on to them to make them behave in others homes. For 9 months they havent been able to be the way I expect them to behave....but instead constantly nag at them to keep them "good". Theyre awesome kids...Im so proud of them. Theyre so grown up in my eyes. All my parenting seems to have added up to two kids with great values and attitudes. My eldest, Rayanna, 7, already knows the value of family. For example this christmas, Its humble. I have just moved into a new house and I dont have much money. They both got just 2 presents from me. Afraid of them being dissapointed I sat them down and explain mommy didnt have much money and that I couldnt get them much, but that I had done the best I could. My daughter, after patiently listening to me says, "It's ok mommy....christmas is about being with your family anyways, we know youre trying.........." I almost came to tears. In that moment, I realized how big she is getting. All that I have taught her, all that I tried to give her....she amounts to a wonderful little girl. She does excellent in school, she's well behaved. Im so proud of her...and I tell her all the time. And then theres Andrew, my 4 year old. Hahahaha, he's so precious. He is prolly one of the most affectionate children I know. At least 20 times a day I hear " I love you mommy....." and of course he always gets the same back. He loves his sister, they often exchange hugs through the day. He misses her when she is at school and mentions her often. Before they part they hug and tell each other freely that they love each other. Andrew is always a happy child. Everyone near him falls head over heels. Hahahahhaa they both are so precious...I cant tell you what a proud mother I am. I love them both with my entire exsistance. As hard as things have been for me...they make it all worth it. And with them as they are...I have no regrets. I know with them being ok....Im ok.

With time on my own to think of things...my mind wanders to things that could be and could have been. *sighs* Its so hard not to think about it. I sit here in my own space and I think of Michael. Wonder how things could have been if things would have turned out differently. What I wouldnt give to have him a part of it. I think of him so often. As I drive and watching the scenery go by. Everytime I see the sunset. When I wake in the morning. When I watch my babies play. I cant help it. I miss him so much. I miss hearing his voice. I miss what was. I know things cant be the same. As much as we try to maintain.......it just fades. I try so hard to go on like things are the same...but theyre not. I know he knows this too. Its amazing how someone so far away can effect you so much. How they can get to your core....make you ache with absence. And no matter how much I try to let go....I cant. Thinking of never turns my insides to mush....my heart breaks....causing actual physical pain. The day he wrote me and told me that it felt as though it was never going to happen.....my chest hurt. I cried...feeling my chest constrict. If love is supposed to make you happy....why does it hurt so much? Why is it that two people never meant to have each other...manage to connect and create a bond they cant have in their physical world? Its so unfair. I guess I just have to learn to accept life with out him. I guess my dreams werent meant to come true. Maybe Im not deserving? I dont know. All I know is I want him just as much today as I did a year ago. Without him I wouldnt be where I am today. I would still be abused and hurt. I thank him so much for saving me.....I only wish I could return the favor. God............I love him...and I cant do anything about it.


Ah well...life goes on? *makes herself believe that* Goodnight head....until next time....


Well things are going ok. My apartment seems to slowly be coming together. Today I got an early christmas present.....Tami bought me new couches. WHOOHOOO! I love em theyre PLAID...hahaha... I came home shopping with her and I open my door to see new couches. I had none and was sitting on 1 recliner. FUCKIN SUCKED. I cried when when I saw em. Anyways....everything is good and I havent much to complain about. Getting my own place has taken my mind off the things that were buggin me before. I dont have time to stress on em. Ive got so much goin on here....a ton of responsibility being a single parent trying to make sure Im doing the right thing. Bills are driving me crazy....but ah well....back to the normal life..LoL. Its all been kinda hard with my arm still hurting. Alot I still cant do by myself. But I push myself even far after I know I should stop. Even now as I sit here....I feel each bone in my hand....the rods. It sucks...but Im proud of myself. I take pride in my home and it makes me push myself to do right. Im doin ok...Nice to say that for once...

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*YAWN* [02 Dec 2003|08:50am]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | ~Seether•••Fade Away~ ]

Ahhh......Ive neglected this journal since my surgery. God how do I feel. I dont know anymore. To most near me all seem to see this person who's happy and laughing all the time. Inside I feel like Im corroding. Me, the person locked inside is being lost.....how am I ever gonna get her back? I dont know anymore....I just wanna be happy. Being alone bothers the hell out of me....as Ive said so many times.

Michael and I decided to save ourselves some heart ache I suppose. *sighs* Somewhere we both hit our final moment of hopelessness. God it tears my heart out. I feel like all came spiraling and I crashed hard. For several days I was somewhat exanimate. I had no feelings....numbness took over....survival mode or something. Then finally...it hit me and I cried for God only knows how long. I know I havent lost him....but I lost my dreams....everything I strived for is gone. Its so fuckin unfair. I now know I'll never get my chance.....I feel so fuckin cheated. I thought I was ready to hear it wasnt going to happen....but.......I wasnt. GGRRRR this consumes my every thought lately. I almost feel forgotten......and of course......its prolly silly to think like that. But oh well eh? Ive lost him....thats all I know. Maybe Im meant to be alone. Just maybe Im hardly deserving of my happiness.

But ah well.....Fuck it all.

Aside from that depressing shit........hahahahaha

Ive had this contraption on my arm for almost 2 weeks now...and Im growing used to it...its still awkward tho. I cant type a shits worth.....so I'll keep this short somewhat. I guess Im done for tonight........

Fade Away

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh

But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away


I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away


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Lifes rollercoaster never stops..... [21 Nov 2003|08:33am]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | *`*'' Dashboard Confessional * Hands Down''*`* ]

Today is the day I get my surgery.....Im nervous as hell. My anxiety is peeking...blah. I dont know why Im so scared.....itsa simple procedure. One of the biggest thoughts in my head today is how long Im going to be down after. I ha†e to think of the amount of pills that will be going into my system to keep me from feeling it.
Im getting to the point I hate pills. Seems for every function of my life....a pill must be taken to level it all out....Im tired of it. The thought of foreign metals being put into my body makes me ill. I have been joking muchly the last 2 days..making fun of myself....calling myself "Frankenslut"...." Tap and Die".....and calling this my most extreme piercing as of yet. I guess doing so makes it all easier. I usually tend to joke to protect myself....so I dont dread it as terribly.

I wish life surrounding this was easier. Its not so much the surgery that has be down.......but more of the life happening around it all. Theres no doubt ive been depressed lately. I try hard not to give into it.....let myself express how I feel in here..and try to get on with life normally. Normal. Wtf is normal anymore? Doesnt everyone feel this shitty all the time? hmm.......I dreamt heavily last night. Dreamt of thing that may never happen...and in my dreams I felt hopeless. I somewhat accepted these "impossibles". Heart wrenching to think about it....so I try not to. Its so hard not to.

its now 8:42 and my surgery is at 1:00......Im starvin & cant eat until after. My belly says rawrgrrrrrrruuuggghhhhhhhrawrrrr. :( Ah well....I guess the next time you'll see me...Ill be post-op. Im sure I will have much to share then.

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mmmmm...yeah. [20 Nov 2003|10:45pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Ahhhhhh Today, what a fuckin day. And as for tomorrow...whatta worse fucking day.

Tomorrow Im having surgery......long story...but by the time Im done....I'll possibly be more of a Frankenkitty as opposed to an Evil sort.

My head if full of everything today.....thinking of how much this sets back my goals. I wanna go to school so badly but with my arm in traction...those dreams are on hold. My heart if completely over flowing with emotions. Im happy....sad.....anxious....nervous.....all wadded up like stuffing from a doll shoved lumpily under my flesh. Im so tired of being tired. I feel it all the time....My lack of energy drives me insane.....aching.

I want so badly to write some poetry...but my current writings seem too jumbled...but here is some of what Ive done...

Have you ever looked around....
And saw no one there at all.
Looked into darkness
As a cold chill would fall?
Just when you thought...
It was safe to be you..
No one cared if you survived
Your life gone like the winds blew...
Every face surrounding you solidified
Like robots all clones...
Careless to your exsistance..
When you know youre alone
Stand all on your own..
On your very own will....
No one there to cheer you on...
You cant hardly even feel...
Youre no longer you...
You are all alone...
Cant remember why...
You dont even know how...
When did every one pass you by...
Not notice your pain....
When did you let go....
Do you remember being sane?


Your sympathy...
It lays so thin.
Where one contradiction ends...
Another begins...
Your face is so cold....
Solidified like steel...
Robotic intentions....
Unable to feel...
Like dress up you play...
Pretending to care...
Theatrical lines...
No one could compare..
Recited and over done...
I cant bare anymore...
Your mockery of my pain...
Exploiting my core...
Your words like shots...
Straight to my heart...
Tear right through me...
My insides torn apart..
A phasad of kindness
Unpure attempts of deceit..
When I crumble...
I fall to your feet..
Hypocrites like you....
They never get far...
Careless to true feelings...
Wounding and leaving scars.
LIfe comes full circle...
Youll prolly not think much..
Karma follows suit..
You'll be the one crushed...


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A tad bit betta today [17 Nov 2003|11:40am]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | ~* Today - Smashing Pumpkins*~ ]

Goodness.....When I look back on how bad I felt that day....I almost wanna hug myself..LoL....jeebus

I guess Im feeling better......I proudly had a "dry" weekend. I didnt drink. Amazing. I didnt even go out. I was a good girl. I didnt do it because it wasnt available.........Its always available to me....but because I wanted to. Felt good....felt nice to be sober for once. I just kinda chilled....curled up in my bed...watching movies.

As for everything else...I really dont know how I feel. I guess I just feel like rolling with it all right now. I still feel this void in certain situations. I still feel a gap.........feel.......like theres been change. I just cant put my finger on it. Im trying not to think of it so hard. But there are moments I do...and I cant help it. I still feel these moments of hopelessness...and I just.......avoid it...I imagine that cant be healthy anymore then it is to dwell on it. At least when Im dwellin....Im facing facts. Sometimes acting like the problem isnt there....makes it worse. Like a cancer.....you face it...you can do something about it....ignore it....it may be the death of all things. So Im †rying hard to face it witha good attitude...and with me...as all things...that could change tomorrow. I might be aching for it all again.....but today Im ok......and it feels good to be able to say that......

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Lonliness [13 Nov 2003|10:39am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | * CHarOleTTE ~ KiTTiE* ]

AHHHHHH damnit.....I dont even know where to begin. Time is approaching for me to get my apartment....Im guessing about the 1st of december. Im anxious and nervous. So many feelings being tightly wadded like stuffing into my belly. I feel ill at the thought. Anxiety I suppose. Of all my life....I have never had a dwelling where I would be 100% on my own. I feel scared. Scared of being too lonely. Even as I moved about these last 8-9 months. I have lived with someone.....now...its just me. Of course my children will be with me.....but still I feel ....I dont know..................alone. One of my greatest fears in life is being by myself. And slowly but surely I feel life dwindling me into that direction. Ever since I can remember Ive feared being alone. I fear losing all those around me I love most. And Im seeing that all unfold before my eyes. I am so excited at the same time to be gettin my own home. But......Im afraid once Im there....Im goin to be forgotten. All that has been good with my exes relatives may only be short lived. Even tho its my exes family.........theyre still the only family I know. I almost feel silly that it bothers me....but it has brought me to tears over the past fews nights. I know I wouldnt be crying so frequently if there was any need for it. As of lately...as I look around I only have 1 person that I spend any amount of time with...and thats my bestfriend. Everyone else is somewhat on an aquaintance basis. I like them....they like me...but we usually only hang out to drink or get stoned. Which this is another entire subject on its own. Drinking. I have been doing so in excess. I can admit it....everything I do now seems to require drinking. Broken limbs on my behalf have resulted from this wreckless habit Ive started. I drink...things get out of hand...and I only realize this sunday morning after 2 days straight of doin just that, drinking. Why Im drinking so much? I really dont know how to pinpoint it. I just know its easier to let go of my everyday frustrations while Im having a few beers...which always turn out to be far more then a few. I cant stop at just getting a light buzz....I feel the need to continue once Ive reached the point of where I should stop. I obviously have a problem...and last night as I layed in bed.....I didnt promise myself to stop ( Id surely break this promise) ...but I was fair with myself...and agreed to slow down....no alcohol through the week.....and to try my best to stop when I know I should. I hope I can go from there and eventually........I hope...I wont need to do so anymore. I know once I move...I will no longer have the money to drink as I have in the last weeks. So aside from that....I also have this broken limb. Frustrating as hell.....very depressing. Stops me...pauses all my goals Ive hoped to accomplish. Including school. I want to go back and finish my cosmetology courses. I could handle cutting hair for a living. Notta bad way to earn cash...I enjoy the profession. Christmas is coming..and I fear not being able to provide for my little ones like I want to. C'est la vie. And Christmas...................................I will be alone...again. My kids will be with Roberts family...and where do I have to go? No where. My brothers have made plans...Im not included. My bestfriend? I cant be with her.....because of certain circumstances....I dont care to be around her boyfriend. Those reasons I feel strongly about. I would rather be alone. Perhaps Ill visit my parents graves...and go from there. I see more then ever how alone I am...my biggest comfort lays in 2 pieces of granite stuck in the muddy ground. And as for my 1 person I am closest to....the bestfriend....I fear her and I will drift soon enough...I cant handle the drama and bullshit from her significant other. I hate seeing what he does to her. Makes me furious and we have already errupted into several violent arguements...I dont feel Ill be able to keep my mouth shut any longer....and that on its own may cause us to part slowly. The only other person that I feel so close to is thousands of miles away...and sadly...I dont know why...I feel drifting there as well. My heart doesnt want to seperate by any means......but its like some unpredictable, unstoppable even.. force of nature is just doing it on its own. I long still to be with him...but my fire for making it happen has died down slowly....almost afraid to burn out. And I try hard not to give up.....but how can I not at this point? Its been over a year since this has all started...and yet...nothing. Im no closer to the finish line then when I started. I dont blame anyone...not even myself for this. But I know in my heart...if action isnt taken soon....I may have to move on......so the sake of my heart. Cuz it breaks everytime I think of never. And never seems more realistic all the time. I dispise it. I loathe it. Because he is the one true thing that defines all meanings of love and adornment to me. I do adore him in all he is......but I feel almost left behind....running to keep up......but tripping in the process....and I cant hardly even struggle anymore. My will is almost gone. I wish to God something would happen before I lay down completely and lay my aching to rest. Maybe Im being mellow dramatic..and should continue rolling with the punches. Ive never been one to give up and I dissapoint myself. But I ache so greatly.....I really need him now. Id feel like the biggest selfish bastard to give ultimatums....I know he has enough on his plate with out me being a selfish brat. I almost think that I could eliviate his load by leaving him alone. Letting him live his life and he feels the need to...and just getting on with my own. I die inside to think I might hurt him....especially after all we've been through..and planned. God knows if tomorrow he was ready....Id drop it all..and I wouldnt think twice to be there with him. But tomorrow is unlikely....and it honesly doesnt feel like that will ever happen. God Im fucked. Like I said..........I just might be being dramatic......but this is how I feel. And Im done thinking for now................................................................


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Been awhile [31 Oct 2003|12:54pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | *~Mudvayne-Not Falling~* ]

Well its been awhile since Ive written anything in here...so I will now. I finally got a home...Im yet to move in. I cant wait I am so estatic. Finally freedom. Other things in my life on the other hand...I cant begin to get into...cuz Ive tried so hard to avoid what Im feeling. Change is coming..and I dont know if its a good thing. But my heart is heavy about these feelings. Its hard to face them...I will just deal with it as I need to. I know eventually Im gonna have to face this...but for right now Im taking baby steps. Go one day at a time..and hope that it will all play out when the time for it comes. I just dont want to hurt anyone. And Im tired of hurting myself. Maybe its time Anna worries about Anna...and pray that others will take care of themselves in the same way.

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Poetry [08 Oct 2003|10:22am]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Dead Kennedys - Some song I know not of the title...lol ]

Some of my recent writings......


6 Words

There once was a soul..
who was only one girl...
she made no impression
or effect on the world.
Her existance was tired
the moment she was born
She never cried out
Her expression worn.
She never did laugh,
Not even one time..
Up trees and clubhouses..
She never did climb...
No time for dressup..
Icecream wasnt her thing..
When kids sang together..
She wouldnt even sing..
No one noticed her..
Never saw any sign..
As other children play
She'd sit on the side
She worn her hair down...
Never had anything to say...
Hands in her pockets...
She'd watch the kids play...
She liked her clothes dark...
While everyone matched..
Clones of pink and ribbons..
Her hoodie all patched..
Draggin her backpack..
through halls she was tripped..
Her knees all dusty...
And bleeding and ripped...
Taunted and tormented...
Called a freak..
Kept walking chin down...
She didnt even speak..
When called upon..
Stood in front of the class..
Mumbled 6 words..
"You can all kiss my ass"
Teacher yelled...
She started to grin...
Now this is the good part...
She mumbled again...
" Unoticed I am...
Till I act out...
I say something...
You start to shout..
I sit quiet..
and no one cares...
I say what I feel...
How is that fair."
The kids all laughed..
Her teached got pissed..
Sent to detention
She clinched her fist...
When asked why...
she acted as she did
She sighed and answered..
Said "Im justa kid...
I made no difference...
To people passed by..
Never felt sorry for myself...
Never asked why.
I gritted my teeth..
Stood all alone..
From bathroom stalls ...
prank calls would phone..
As I stood in front of class..
my moment to shine...
I took it all in...
the moment was mine."
Quiet a moment...
Not sure what to say..
The principal nodded...
and sent her away...
Walking back...
she looked around...
People werent laughing...
They didnt make a sound...
She kept walking ...
Her head held high..
Her feelings all valid..
Cuz someone asked why.



Theres times I care...
Justa little too much..
Open to opinions..
Judgements and such..
Too often it hurts..
To what people say....
Critisizing my every move..
Being a fuck up everyday..
So tired of trying..
And getting no where...
No one gives a shit...
All faking to care..
I smile and go on..
Pretend to shine..
When the masks off.....
The moment is mine..
Only true time..
To be who I am..
Dying inside...
Who gives a damn.
My spirit is worn..
And tired of life..
Trying so hard to be...
Stay away from the knife..
Inviting and beckoning..
Almost like home..
Shut my head down..
So I can be alone.
Tonight I'll sleep
I promise to be good..
I won't hurt myself..
And do as I should.



Drowning, drowning..
deeply inside..
swallowing swiftly...
drifting aside...

Suffocating, suffocating..
Choking it all ...
Squeezing it harder....
Lifeless limbs fall.

Silent, silent..
Keeping it all in..
My heart will break...
Never to mend.

Weeping, weeping..
Can anyone hear me?
My will is gone..
I need to be free.

Dying, dying...
It's not that bad..
let me go love..
Please dont be sad.



Pierced into my flesh
Torn by cold steel...
Parts of me once numb..
I once again feel...
Home inside my wounds..
Warm reality lingers there...
The sting sings to me...
Keeping my focus here.
Dwelling inside myself..
The true me claws..
The outside laughs..
While the inside gnaws...
Bruising my flesh...
The needle does rip..
Together in sync
My soul, my heart skip..
My mind set on the pain...
That moment I am one
In tuned with myself...
The healings begun.

©2003, Please do not copy or take without permission

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Where in the hell have I been? [19 Sep 2003|08:34am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

I guess I've been away a bit.....Ive felt different. I guess Im tryin to heal myself.....sometimes I do so in the form of not venting at all....let some sort of numbness fall over me......perhaps because of my meds.

I really dont know...Im concentrating on my weight which I gained plenty cuz of the meds. I started a diet plan and have kept myself physically busy....hoping to shed the pounds....which I have. But as with everything I do...I tend to go to the extreme...I want more...Im tryin to loose all I can. But it feels good to know I look close to how I want in my clothes. I just wanna look EXACTLY how I wanna look. I guess Im self conscious. *shrugs* Im not into skinny girls with bones showing....but I do envy flat bellies. I just want that and Ill be happy.

After all this numbness.....comes true venting. I started to write the day before yesterday....I wrote three sheets of scattered thoughts.....lots of scribbling.....rough drafting. I finally ended up concentrating on a few thoughts..and they stemmed to these.. LoL...theyre deep....but its the level I think on....Ive always been one for vivid imagination and detail...Hahaha......or Im just crazy...*shrugs*


Ragdoll lay lifeless and torn...
Eyes, windows to empty soul.
Glazed and desolate...
Deep and dark like coal.
Arms limp and tired....
Head tilted, no longer proud.
Awkward and out of place.
Does she not cry outloud?
She's broken and alone...
Hair tattered, once shined.
Memories worn and stained.
Mouth turned down with time...
In her own world...
Who's to hear her silent screams?
Her words not spoken..
Falling apart at her seams.
The world changes around her..
Not belonging, barely exsisting.
Dust exanimate limbs of cotton..
Heart of pure porceline..
Delicate and yet damaged.
No one may notice her..
But shes more alive then imagined.


I just want to feel it all sober,
Just to feel reality,
Take in the foreboding truth.
Beathe in deeply the noxiusness,
From flames of decomposing life.
Feel it tear into fragile atmosphere,
Like boiling water into petals,
Rips right through and scolds.
Sunlight searing into vacany..
Rememberance of life.
Pain making you real.
Gasping and clinging to hold on.
What made me let go?


Celestial bodies pronouncing judgement..
Bewitching ghouls and demons...
Forewarning overindulgence.
Livid with the hue of death.
Sapphire night chromatic..
Macabre tales of sacrifice..
Unearthly souls screaming..
Black horses in stampede..
Like death drums pounding
Lost souls looking to go home...
Wandering the earth discomposed.
Anguish and sorrow looms..
Excruiation etched in every face.
Vortex of cadaverous hunger menacing...
Consuming the listless..
A lucid stillness falls over darkness.
Transmissions of light melt through..
Cold crystalline waters...
Seeping through crevices of earth.
The once lifeless now animated..
Revitalizing breezes..
Enlivening virgin greenery..
Unfledged creatures emerge..
Exposed to solarized warmth.
Tranquilty and radiant energy.
Angelic beings..statuesque..
Luminaries of Heaven..
Exquisitely spellbinding.
Offerings of salvation and penance...
Illusionary Euphoria..
Deceiving promises of bliss.
Drug induced illusions..
Emancipation of sanity...
All that gave hope...
Expires and corrodes.

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Some favorite lyrics.... [29 Aug 2003|11:43am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Gone Away *~* Cold ]

Cold - Gone Away

Do you pray
In the night
Can you appreciate the wind
And I won't care
I won't fight
I need you close to sing
It's the same beginning
Gone away
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away
It's my whole life
In words
And I can't breathe
When you cry
But I'll be there to hold you tight
And I would kill
I would fight
To keep you close
I keep singing the same way
I won't live
If you died
If I can feel you in the wind
And this is me
It's my life
I'll need you close to sing
It's the same beginning
Gone away
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away
It's my whole life
In words
Gone away
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away
It's my whole life
And I can't say
And I don't know
How far
I'll go
And I can't say
And I don't know
How far
I'll go
Gone away
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away
It's my whole life
In words
Gone away
It's the same old, same old song
Gone away
It's my whole life

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EEP OPPPPPPP OOOOOOOORK! [28 Aug 2003|02:47pm]
[ mood | silly ]
[ music | #*#*ONE MORE MINUTE - AUTHORITY ZERO*#*# ]

Just short post today..I have a headache.....


I feel happy...and rested.....Got to talk to Michael twice on the phone today....both to my surprise.....got to hear my littles ones as he daddy'd them today...Ahhhh..I love it. I wanna just kinapp all three of them. Precious they are. I feel relieved of stress by about 30%...my daughter is enrolled in school.....1 less thing to worry about. Other then that...not much happening today......Ima go lay down now tho....watch some tv. I THINK THE VMA's are on tonight..lookin forward to that.......SOOO THATS ALL FOR TODAY! YIPPIE SKIPPIE!

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Lika breath of fresh air..... [27 Aug 2003|08:22am]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]
[ music | /*/*/*Sour Girl ~ STP*\*\*\ ]

AAAAAHHHHH! I dont know why...but I feel good today!!!! I dont feel depressed....I think my Trazodone induce slumber made me feel rested and rejuvenated. I usually wont take it...I usually take my Adivant cuz it just makes me alil restful...but my Trazadone knocks me out cold. I spent half of yesterday puking my arse off. I put together a complicated bunk bed for my nephew until late last night...my arms are like spagetti today....typing is even a chore. SO between exhaustion and the meds....IM CHIPPER TODAY...due to good sleep.

~~*~**~*~ AMAZING! *~*~**~*~~

I had a good, but short morning with Michael...I dunno if I'll be able to talk to him again before the day's end....but Im gonna try to not let that get me down...YET. He seemed to be in a good mood...so Im guessing he thinks he will probably he back. I miss him tons. I love him so much.....cant picture life without him in it in some shape or form....He's my everything. My every thought is consumed by him. Everything I do is based around a future with him. It no longer seems silly to think of him so often...he has become a part of my life.....a HUGE part. I consider myself with him....I consider us "together". I love him with all my heart. For once I think Ive finally made a change....I've fallen for someone who isnt out to hurt me....to play me...or treat me bad. Even tho the previous seemed sweet and nice at first...and ended up being nightmares...Michael is diff. He truly loves me. I dont feel I need to fight for his affection...or try to win him over. He already loves me. Its amazing to know it.

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Ahhh change [26 Aug 2003|10:13am]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | ~*Transplants ~ Tall Cans In The Air*~ ]

I changed my blurty up a bit today..that cosmic blend of vibrance was gettin on my nerves a bit...This looks good......darker.......much more me.

I dont really know where I am today....Im just here.

I guess that best explains things..


Big whoopty....*unmoved finger twirl here* I wanna be anywhere BUT here. I wanna be SOMEWHERE I BELONG. Ha. Kinda like the Linkin Park song....but more overplayed. Blah.

I want to be with the one I adore, be in his arms....just having that would be comfort enough to manage another day. Life seems less complex when I visualize him with me. I find myself smiling unconsciously.......even blush slightly to picture him touching me....I try hard not to daydream too hard on where we are geographically...cuz I am quickly interrupted by tears when I do. This is all that keeps me from him.

Everything beautiful seems to tarnish in my grasp.
Living becomes lifeless when thought of too long.
Reality clouded into surreal nothingness.
Serenity seems nonexsistant and faded.
Breath feels shallow within, wanting to stop.............

Cant think right today...I need my Michael and I need him soon....he's at lunch now....I just wanna hear him so bad. ugh. Hope he returns soon.......Im out for today...

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Homeless is as Homeless does.... [24 Aug 2003|12:42pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | ~*Seether, Sympathetic*~ ]

Seether - Sympathetic lyrics
And my words will be here when I’m gone
As I’m fading away against the wind
And the words you left me linger on
As I’m failing again now, never to change this

And I’m sympathetic,
never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam

And it seems I’m alone here, hollow again
As I’m flailing again against the wind
And the scars I am left with swallow again
As I’m failing again now, never to change this

And I’m sympathetic,
never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam
And I’m sympathetic,
never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam

The same old feelings are taking over
and I can’t seem to make them go away
And I can’t take all the pressure sober,
but I can’t seem to make it go away
The same old feelings are taking over
and I can’t seem to make them go away
And I can’t take all the pressure sober
(I can’t make it go away. I can’t make it go away)

And I’m sympathetic,
never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam
And I’m sympathetic,
never letting on I feel the way I do
As I’m falling apart again at the seam
And I’m falling, falling, falling,
falling, falling, falling, falling
Apart again at the seam


Yup that song explains alot to how I feel right now...God damnit Ive been so fuckin depressed...am I ever gonna getta fuckin break? The things I write here I fear of certain people reading..so I cant fully express my anger...I must vent that in person when the time is appropriate...

I miss Michael beyond what little words I can think of to express. This week was hell...I think of him constantly through the day ..and even haunted by him at night. When I do get to talk to him..my heart races..and I cant help crying...I try hard to contain myself to keep from upsetting him...although the last time we talked..I cracked a bit..and I think he heard me begin to cry. I know I managed to mumble that I was starting to....I try hard to hold back..I dont want what little time I have with him to be sad. I cant help feeling like things are impossible...I want it so badly and I see little progress..my depression is keeping me from being as positive as I have in the past. I TRY SO HARD. Even as I type...the tears of emptiness and despair fall. The thought of never destroys me.

I am so angry inside today....I wish I werent I feel hateful and want to push people away...Certain people have caused me to turn cold. I hate people. I find 99.99% of people who say they are your friends will only turn on you when the time suits them..and youll end up getting hurt...one of the last people I thought I could count on....fucked me over big time..and if she reads this...I guess the cat will be out of the bag that she hurt me....and she may have hurt my children...so fuckin be it if she does. Im sick of being lied to. Tired of deceit. I would prolly progress with I could keep the daggers out of my back long enough...but people are so fuckin selfish......when you reach for help...they toss you back into the abyss of BULLSHIT. I just cant believe one of the few I trusted completely turned their back...left me to fend for my own...especially when Ive stood up for her and all her struggles...through thick and thin. I guess this goes to prove I only have 3 people in my life who truly care if I make it through this or completely fail....those three I know wont turn their backs....I know their lives just dont allow them to be here to the degree they would love to. Those few people are all miles away...across the country ...and it fuckin sux...I wanna be with them all...but bullshit people keep me here..and I hate it.

stuck as always...........

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I love this song.... [21 Aug 2003|06:10am]
[ mood | devious ]
[ music | Hehehhee I love the lil devilish icons ]


"So Far Away"

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all in the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping


i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

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Im so in love..... [20 Aug 2003|10:26pm]
[ mood | recumbent ]
[ music | ~* So far away ~ Staind *~ ]

Ahhhh I got to hear my love's little ones on the phone for the first time today. Omg...hahaha...my heart is totally stolen. (as if it werent already) I have had one of the worst days ever.....I could go into detail...but writing about it all feels like dwelling on the bad...when theres so much GOOD to write about.


I heard my precious little Jacob's newborn fussiness...and I must admit.....I was alil teary eyed listening to him. And then to hear Darius :D that was great...many times has Michael heard my children over the phone...listening to me mommy per usual....sometimes good...sometimes bad. This was a first Ive heard of my love being the daddy that he is...and I honestly do believe...I felt myself sink....falling deeper then ever. Ive always found his nuturing nature attractive. (maybe his MOST attractive quality, next to the common owned dorkiness of us both) I want SOOO badly to be with them all. I wonder exactly how I can make this happen....cuz I now know I am in too deep not have this happen.

I already have adapted to feeling like "his". I live my everyday life......everyone knows Anna is in love with this Michael....oddly him even being referred to as my "boyfriend" its all really odd......but so comforting that I no longer have to hide my love for him. And how I do adore him. I absolutely am whopped..hahaha in every sense of the term...and proud of it. I love being in love. I feel alive. And hearing the newborness of Jacob....and listening to Michaels tender voice calming him into a loving sigh and whimper of comfort for his father. I can honestly say I could not hold back...tears fell freely ..and yet I could not have had a bigger smile.


This is the first Ive honestly felt that somethings in life that seem to drag my through the mud are insignificant. I just wanna love Michael and OUR kids....and just be loved back..the rest is just...well.....blah......technicalities. I want to take care of him for the rest of my life....I wanna watch his kids grow as well as mine....I wanna be there when the amazing happens for his kids..and to see how happy he is when they succeed. Whether it be Jacobs first steps or Darius graduating eons down the road. I wanna be there. I want Michael to share with me, everything my children achieve.


He would make sucha WONDERFUL role model for my kids......I know he can offer the stability and love my children desire. And I know he will love my babies as his own.....because they are a part of me..and without a doubt, Michael does love me as much as I love him. All of OUR children were blessed with 1 strong parent..and unfortunately dealt a hand that gave them all 1 parent that has their priorities shoved into the depths of their colons :) but I feel him and I together can mend the damage they all have had to endure....make the bad memories fade...and give them a future with unconditional love and stability. My heart tells me Im right about this......I know this all isnt being handed to me easily..and I am fighting SO hard to get this.


Michael is a hardworker.....he is a good provider for his babies. Contrary to what he says....Michael is perfect. Everything I never had. Everything I want to have, and more. Between his devotion to his children and me.....and my need to be motherly and nuturing.....I feel our kids still bare a chance to be happy children....(not to mention Michael and I are both big kids...we would all have a fuckin BLAST!!!)


Ahhhhhhh in all seriousness.....everynight I lay thankful that he was sent to me...to cure my broken spirit. He has mended me beyond what thousands of people who've crossed my path have never been able to see. He knows my core. He knows what "Anna" is about...and he loves Anna for Anna...and all the yuckies that come with being with her (there's a shitload)....and he loves her completely.....unconditionally.....and the kicker, she knows it ;) I know he loves me.....I really do. I know he adores me. The only thing sweeter then loving is ..being loved back....AND I AM!!! *sighs* I cant wait to hear him again..and to hear his boys :D cant wait to bear hug the three of um !!!..hahahhahaha ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am happy right now........and I have Michael to thank for that.....so ty and I love you baby.......

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Some favorite Lyrics: [19 Aug 2003|09:16am]
[ mood | okay ]

Hurt (quiet)
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

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