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Saturday, November 28th, 2009
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9:32 pm
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Bored. Again. And tired. I almost fell asleep thinking of a line to write.
I can't get any direction or motivation lately. A few things make me have a tinge of ambition, but I'm not sure it would be 100% motivation for my own good, more likely to just keep my mind busy. I've done that before. It doesn't work out well. I need to want it for myself, I suppose. Which is hard, since most of the time I really don't give a fuck. Not that that's helpful. I just can't be bothered. I think I've made several grievous errors which have resulted in several unfortunate outcomes for myself. I need some kind of outlet. Creative or destructive, I don't know which.
Not to have some kind of whine fest or anything. It's just that, I can feel it. Things stirring, and I think my behavior might become slightly erratic, in some ways. Nothing (more) insane (than usual). Mostly because my lifelong screwups have left me with little in terms of avenues of escape, actual or virtual.
Life would be easier if I became completely disjointed and disconnected from any true sense of reality. Why can't I receive CIA transmissions through my fillings? (Probably because they're epoxy nowadays and thus non-conductive... bastards.)
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| Thursday, August 27th, 2009
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12:19 pm - Disenchanted
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I sat here for a while, too long with the window open, trying to find some music, or some video to give me a proper background mood. But I couldn't find anything suitable. I'm too scattered to find something suitable in my collection.
Why is it that I'm at the highest level of apathy that something always reminds me. I totally wish I didn't have headache-inducing vividly technicolor HD dreams. Especially not with the subconscious in charge and processing memories from the day... well not after watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
And why are all my bad dreams simply sad? I'd settle for some weird ones, or some ones full of straight-up terror once in a while. Or some of the inexplicable ones where I'm stuck in high school repeating my senior year. But, not repeating it. Just retaking it over and over with the same people because we've all graduated but we weren't ready to leave so we just stayed there taking the same shit over and over. That last bit probably says a lot about me, actually, in a psychoanalytic sense.
( Tiny text... )
Also, I miss my brother, now that he's moved out again.
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| Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
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5:13 am - Nacht der Untoten
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5:15AM
Married With Children (the show, duh)
Totinos Cheese Pizza
A Perfect Circle (ambience)
Boredom
This is me now.
I suck.
current mood: Meh
current music: A Perfect Circle
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| Monday, July 13th, 2009
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5:05 am - Spiral
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I'm back. I don't know what to say/do/whatever. Some things seem unimportant. Things that used to not. And other things that were taken for granted are now important. Still don't know where I'm going. Which is not a new thing. But I do know where I'm not, where I never will be, and where I don't want to be. In a way. An odd way. Everything is so boring now. Tedious. Having this much free time is a waste. Which, aside from the money, working at that place was an even bigger waste. At least I didn't get stuck there--like I get stuck everywhere else.
Meh, anyway, I need to sleep before the sun comes up. I missed being nocturnal. Or at least partially so, since the nights are so damn short in July. Hopefully I can sleep instead of being woken up with this pain.
current mood: intermittent abdominal pain
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| Saturday, July 4th, 2009
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9:08 pm
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Everything I do turns to shit in the end. I don't know why I fucking bother.
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| Friday, June 26th, 2009
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12:50 am - Post-Apocalyptic
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A week, and two days, til Twenty-four. 8,766 cycles of night and day. 1,819 spent in this nightmare. On day 1, I didn't think things would ever be okay. And I was right--they won't be. But it's strange. They're tolerable somehow. One thousand, eight hundred and nineteen. The insanity of it.
Eight thousand, seven hundred and sixty-six is even crazier though. I wonder how many of those days were wasted... Not that it really matters, I guess. What's done is done, and I'm really too complacent to bother much changing. I require external stimuli. Not a voice urging me on, but upheaval. It's the only real motivator I've ever really had the opportunity to experience. Sad, I guess, but true.
I'm complacent, yet unhappy. Strange combination.
I surrender
Shoot me down
No bullet could
Stop me now
Half of a chorus, stuck in my head. Odd. I usually prefer verses.
current mood: complacent
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| Thursday, May 28th, 2009
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10:00 pm - Singed.
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My hand is burned. The metaphorical one. (The real one is just rough-skinned from washing so much.) I had it, the match, in my hand. Ready to fucking burn. And in lieu of some cool one-liner, all that came out was "Um..." and then I let it burn down, until it smoldered in my hand. Harming nothing, save my hand.
Today was a mixed bag. I think I'm gonna catch shit for having to get off work early today. Or, I don't think it, but I have this weird feeling like I might. Passive aggressive people...
Then I was drug around all over today. Tacked on as an afterthought. I suppose it's what I am. To pretty much everyone. Which is fine. It makes things easier, I guess. Not easier to deal with. But easier to do.
The decadence offends my senses. And I lose hope. This isn't the way it should be. Of course, it never would be, no matter how hard I tried to make it so.
If I were to have been born with ambition instead of apathy and aggression instead of depression--you'd all be fucked.
current music: Disturbed - Indestructable
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| Sunday, May 24th, 2009
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2:29 pm - Bingo
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All goes as expected. Exactly as I thought. Shouldn't have even thought for a second it wasn't going to go that way. Fuck it. Fuck you.
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4:10 am - Foreshadowing
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I've been waiting for something. For a week now. Counting the days/hours/minutes. Well, not the hours or minutes, but whatever. I'm expecting something else too. Call it intuition. A hunch.
I fully expect to be woken up by my phone tomorrow. Not the alarm. Probably not a call. Maybe a text. And it's probably going to say something. Something I expect.
Ah well. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
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| Friday, May 22nd, 2009
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1:51 am
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I had a bad Monday this week. It set the mood for the rest of things.
Things seem to be falling apart all around. Not just me. Actually not me at all. Not yet.
I'm just coming to the grips with the reality of things. It's odd. I almost wish I could take one thing back. And wonder what the result would've been that way. If I hadn't made a phone call. One phone call. Things would've changed dramatically. Might've been good. I would've avoid a lot of crap. Though I would've missed out on something that's important to me.
I feel like a nuisance lately. I hate that. What I really find odd though is when people say the things I want to say before I get a chance to say them. One of them in particular, that always steals my thunder. We think too much alike, in some ways. To our own detriment, I suppose.
You don't know just where I want to go
Acid burns a whole right through my soul
Black oblivion, my long lost friend
Lord forgive me for I have sinned
I really like this song.
current music: Tony Iommi ft. Billy Corgan - Black Oblivion
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| Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
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1:00 am - FML
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That is all.
current mood: Stupid
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| Friday, May 15th, 2009
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1:01 am - Why talk to the atmosphere anyway?
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As is probably very easily observed, I rarely speak up about things that are really bothering me. It's a thing. All cryptic bullshit obscuring the substance until there's very little substance. (If you pick up on any, then chances are I've meant for things to be that way.) Thereby assuring that nobody knows what the fuck is wrong. Only that something is, potentially.
Of course, I usually throw on some humor to distract even more. And that's what gets understood. While the other parts ring hollow. Of course, everything I've said is something I've said before. Everything I feel is something I've felt before.
What's my problem? I want something. I want something unattainable. It's not a matter of money or determination. I understand this. My brain connects the concepts and accepts the results of its analysis. That doesn't mean the feeling just vanishes though. It almost did. It almost faded away. I thought about it less and less. It wasn't on my mind as much. Almost a year away from the issue, things were feeling better. Then, one Sunday in April, situations shift. Suddenly, time collapses in on itself, and I'm back where I was.
Hopefully this is temporary. Otherwise, bridges have to burn.
current mood: melancholy
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| Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
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1:05 am - Void
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Sleep
Work
Eat
Video game/TV
Repeat
Day after endless day.
And that feeling I'd finally gotten rid of comes back. And with it comes a whole host of others.
Apathy strangely not the foremost. It's a general feeling of--
Well. The inability to detect a possible future. I'm expecting nothing.
current mood: hollow
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| Saturday, October 18th, 2008
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3:00 pm - Anonymously Spontaneous
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Wow. That was cool. I did something completely unprecedented--for me that is.
I rather like doing nice things, especially when they're unexpected. And even more when it makes someone smile. And even more than that when it makes someone as bloody awesome as her smile. It makes me smile--the best smile I've had in a long time.
A birthday remembered and a small gift sent (anonymously) is nothing major. But it felt so nice to do.
current mood: happy
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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9:20 pm - The Hole in the Sky
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Lately it's as if the sky's been ripped open. And it turned out to be just a tattered piece of cloth all along. No divine or mysterious machinations powering some immense cosmos. Parlor tricks and slight of hand.
No, not even that. Just shadowy puppet masters pulling on their corrupting strings of influence. Turning human beings into liars and lushes, addicts and whores.
Twisting and distorting both emotion and reason. Destroying things held both dear and sacred. Obliterating the strongest bonds that people can ever hope to forge. Corroding and rotting respectively both the mind and the soul.
I hate the human condition. I hate the overwhelming majority of my fellow human beings. Friends, enemies, strangers, self.
Yes, even self. I'd like to think myself more virtuous than most, but the truth is, like nearly everyone else, I consist of two halves: One that knows what's right and tries so hard to do it, and another that's rotting from the inside out; that would do almost anything to have what it wanted. So far, I think the former has usually been the one to win out, fortunately.
Still, it takes its toll. And all things considered, the comfort of a padded room, the laugh of a cackling madman, and the effects of sedatives would be more sane. I'm not cut out for this.
current mood: devastatingly disappointed
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| Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
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12:49 am - Things fall down around here...
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So today, I had my head somewhere else. I was in the clouds, or perhaps just looking at the brighter side of things. And so, of course, somewhere, something falls apart. At least it's not me.
Though, I think I should maybe buy a poncho, or my shoulder is going to get soaking wet.
Also: Human beings = annoying.
Now, to see what horrible twist of fate must be rendered. It'll be weathered, like always.
current mood: Isolated
current music: Metallica - Until It Sleeps
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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1:54 pm - Vivisection
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That word sounds cool. What it describes is horrible though. Titles are often irrelevant, however.
I'm feeling a massive ease of the pressure that's been pushing on my chest for so very long. I hope I didn't shift it to someone else. I was just trying to relieve it before it crushed me completely. It's over though. I can breathe again, and I can take care of anything else that pops up because of it.
2007 was a giant disappointing ball of crappy times and boredom for me--not that it didn't have it's bright points. 2008 has started off on a very weird note. The aforementioned paragraph's situation, a few new firsts for me, situations in constant unsettling motion. I've been drunk as hell, I've hung out with friends, I've lost a relative. I've committed several misdemeanors and at least one felony already. I've developed some sort of spine and the ability to speak my mind. And I've kissed a girl--one that I shouldn't have. It was only a second, and it was wrong, and I knew it, and I felt it. That said, I don't regret it. Sometimes there are just things you need to do. I'm sure that's understandable.
2008. Hm. It's either going to be a good year, or a completely horrible end to a great many wonderful things.
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12:00 pm
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My grandmother passed away last night. Not the one that lives next to me, but the one that lives in Charleston with my aunt. The last time I saw her was last week, Christmas morning, actually. I suppose that's as good a time as any. I don't know. I feel bad that I don't feel as bad as I should, but I can't really control that. It's hard when I've been expecting it for so long. She'd been hanging by a thread for so long, had so many brushes with death, and a long life. It was her time, I guess.
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| Saturday, November 17th, 2007
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6:00 am - T+168:00:00
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Time plus One-hundred sixty-eight hours.
1 Week. What's so special about it? Nothing really. It's just another arbitrary unit of measure to remember something by. One week ago, etc... Add on about three more and it's a month. Add on about 11 more of those and it's a year. About ten of those for a decade, and ten of those for a century, and then ten centuries for a millennium. What's after that? I don't know. I don't want to. It doesn't really matter though. I expect to be gone long before a century. Hell, there's no guarantee I'm going to make it to a month.
The thing that's special about arbitrary measures of time from an event is the event itself. In my case, a not so fun little fiasco. I can't get it out of my head. I'm so completely confused. I don't know where to turn or whether or not to trust anymore. Is something built on substance or on deception? I don't know, and that fact alone makes me horribly sad. I suppose I'll know before too much longer.
current mood: disappointed
current music: Metallica - Ride the Lightning
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| Monday, June 11th, 2007
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3:08 am
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I'm horrible. Maybe I could be worse, but I'm pretty horrible.
And my entire life of holding myself to a higher standard is all but gone. I'm only human, and I've acted as such. I want to be better than that... but instead I feel that tug towards things I know are wrong. And I know that I could only last so long before I'd go from tempted to corrupted.
Too bad I'm not one for moral relativism--then I could do no wrong. That's delusion...
current mood: guilty
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