Kiara Kotek's Journal
Once Beau gives me the code, I'm ditching this place and using Deadjournal instead. So I'll just transfer everything I've put up here (which isn't much) and put it up on deadjournal. I'll post when I get my deadjournal up before I close this one. I'll put up the url too.
Current mood: sad.
Current music: Placebo "Every Me Every You".
Why do you let me hit you? Why do you let me make you miserable? I'm supposed to be making you happy, but I keep screwing up. Did I make you cry again? I hope not. I'm the one that deserves to be curled up in a little ball, my eyes bloodshot and pouring salt water streams.
Why do I act so stupid anyways? Why do I vent my agression on you? I know that after I do it I feel like crap. I make you feel bad, and that just makes me feel worse. Worthless, that's how I feel. Everytime I do something stupid I become a little more worthless, more of a waste of time. I keep messing up, not you. You didn't fuck up. I'm sorry I keep doing this to you.
Maybe one day I'll be less quick to anger, I'll be less selfish.
I just wanted you with me, but because you didn't do something for your mom she wouldn't do anything for you. My parents weren't willing to drive an extra hour just so I could see you, especially if they're driving a lot in the first place. You should have done what your mom asked, and bitched about it later. You didn't, and no matter what, we can't change that. So I didn't get to see you, and you felt even worse about it because I had to go and be an anger ball about it. I had to blow up at you, and you let me. You said you deserved it, but you didn't. You never do. That day I should have kissed you and told you I love you, instead of getting mad and saying I wouldn't forgive you.
When I got in the car and started heading home that day I felt so bad. I knew I'd make you feel horrible. I'll never be able to apologize enough for my stupidity. I just hope I didn't make you cry again, didn't make you feel unwanted. I'll always want you. I just get angry when I can't have you, because you're all I want.
Current mood: depressed.
Current music: Jack Off Jill "Strawberry Gashes".
I've found a new way to deal with saddness. I used to feel like the whole world was caving in on me, crushing me. I guess I still do. I used to cut, and I admit that I occasionally do it now-a-days as well, but not as much. Now when I feel bad I get tired. I just want to sleep. I want to let a blanket of darkness fall upon me, let it cover my mind so I can forget my pain. Is that the way you are? Is that why you always feel like sleeping when I do something to make you feel bad? Sleeping doesn't really help though does it? I always wake up feeling just as bad as I did before. Sometimes I wake up with a sore neck to make matters worse. I think I picked up the need to sleep when I'm sad from you. I also get this sort of gut wrenching feeling. It's like someone is stabbing a knife into my stomache. I only feel that when I hurt you though. Everytime I do something stupid to make you feel bad I feel it. I get sick because of the pain I cause you, literally.
I'd like to go to Starbucks today. I can go there and just let my mind wander. I want to sit back in one of the comfy chairs, drink a latté and watch as the rest of the world passes me by. Maybe I could write in one of my journals as well, just let everything out on paper. The smell of coffee brewing overtakes my senses everytime I go there, and I enter a sort of dream state. It's odd how coffee makes me dreamy, maybe it's just the smell of it. I like sitting inside of coffee shops and watching as the people shuffle in and out, too busy in their own lives and problems to notice me. I almost become invisible when I'm there. I like it. I can be in my own world with my coffee. I can watch everyone else as if I'm looking from the outside in, and I have front row tickets. Can I go buy a latté and watch the world move on without me? Or should I just go back to bed and try to fight off the aching in my stomache and the tears threatening to spill out of my dull grey eyes? Yes, my eyes are grey now. Gray, the color of my loneliness and pain. Maybe if you were here holding me, if I knew you were happy again my eyes would turn back to their natural green. If you were here they might even be bright blue. But for now, I'm alone and miserable, my eyes are grey like the clouds of despair engulfing my mind.
Current mood: apathetic.
Current music: Goldfinger "Don't Say Goodbye".
I never thought I'd cry because I got to spend time with you instead of my momma. Maybe I wasn't crying because of that. I don't quite know why I did cry. It was a few weeks ago. Do you remember? Momma, you and I were supposed to go to Kona together. You came home a half hour late from the Lan the previous night and your mom decided she wouldn't let you go to Kona unless you went with her. So I ended up meeting you at the theatre. Your friend and his mom were there, so was your sister and mom. I felt so overwhelmed, and not in a good way. I felt like I was suffocating. I didn't want to be trapped in a movie theatre. I didn' want to have to deal with your little sister. Most of all, I just wanted to be with my momma. I know it's crazy, I usually spend my time running away from her. That day was an odd day. We went in to the movie, and the ticket-taker said that the movie was mostly full. We could only find chairs in the VERY front. I walked solemnly in. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just go see a movie with the man I love? I ran out of the theatre. You followed me. That's why I love you, you ran after me. You caught me, held me, comforted me. We missed the movie and you almost got in toruble for it. I decided I wouldn't see any more movies for the rest of the year. I think I'm losing my mind. I have this feeling that day was a semblance of what I'm going to turn into. A sad excuse for a human being, although I already am one aren't I? I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't need to go around fucking things up even more than usual. I think I may be getting a phobia for the outdoors and being in public. Agoraphobia is what it's called, I think. I'm already afrai of so much. I fear losing you as well as being hated, or being forgotten. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid I'll fuck up. I'm just so scared. I don't want to be scared anymore, and no mater how much I run from her I need my momma. I need you too, but please don't make me go out. Don't force me into seeing people, don't feed my fears.
I'm going to write a book and hopefully get it published. This is something I just wrote. I write like Dorothy Allison. Autobiographical fiction is what se writes. I write abut my life as if it were a made up like a story. This hasn't been editted. I'm sorry, if there's typos. When I say YOU the character I'm talking to (or rather writing to) is my boyfriend, Kai. In a way the book I'm writing is written to him. It's written as if I was recounting my life to him. So whenever I go off on something in the past tense and talk to an unknown "you", it's part of my book...a snippet, and it's written to Kai. I've been with Kai for 8 months as of today. I want to be with him forever. If you continue to read this journal you will hear a lot about him, and you will learn why I love him so very much.
The clouds above you start to pull
And all of your doubts rains like a storm
And you don't know who you are anymore
Let me help you find what you've been searching for
(Somewhere) Somewhere there's a field and a river
(Somewhere) You can let your soul run free
(Someday) Someday let me be the giver
Let me bring you peace
(Somewhere) Somewhere there's a break in the weather
(Somewhere) Where your heart and spirit go free
(Someday) Someday it'll be for the better
Let this bring you peace
Girl I know you think no one sees
The weight on your shoulder
But you can't fool me
And aren't you tired of standing so tall
Let me be the one to catch you when you fall
Let me bring you joy (Bring you joy)
Let me bring you peace (Bring you peace)
Take these tears that you've cried
And trust them to me
Let me give you heart (Give you heart)
Let me give you hope (Give you hope)
Be the one constant love that you've never known
That song reminds me of Kai, but maybe it's just 'cuz I'm a hopeless romantic.
Current mood: content.
Current music: "Somewhere Someday" Nsync.
Well this is my second journal. I think I'll be using this journal for more personally things, completely ranting and raving. Sex, school, politics, etc. Basically anything I can think of. But beware, I'm a writer so I may be posting things that are story bits. Just because it's a story doesn't mean it's not the truth. The way I see it, you can figure out for yourself if what I write is truth or fiction, or maybe a bit of both. I'd go fot the latter of the three if I were you.
Well, I must be off now. It's cold in here and I have things I need to do. Ciao.
Current mood: cold.
Current music: "Hazard" Richard Marx.