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Friday, February 20th, 2004
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10:32 am
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Whoa I just found this journal..And the one that I had before this. It's kind of weird reading it, although it wasn't too long ago that I wrote it.
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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8:21 pm - ~*If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?*~
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I'm so incredibly lost. Every emotion, feeling, thought, and relationship is shaded by a black, a white, or a blue screen that I seem to see as only grey. There are so many things that I don't have any idea how to fix, or even how to start looking at. I need some clarity...Or Nirvana, the ultimate peace.
I don't even know where to start, what's most important...Every factor is equally significant in this equation.
I suppose I'll begin with my frantic and crazy schedule. I'm fifteen, and my family is pretty close to entirely poor. I have to get up at 5 every morning to shower and wake everyone else up. Then I'm at school until 2...A carousel ride that spins faster and faster everyday. Then work from 3 to 10, 5 days a week...Nearly full time. Then homework from 10 to any dark hour of the night, usally around 1 and it's still not finished but I'm too exhausted mentally and physically to continue. Then the same schedule the following day. Rarely do I get a chance to sit down and relax...To read, to sing, to play guitar, to talk to the few friends that I barely have. Now, I repeat that I am only fifteen. A prime time of my young life, or should be. And I should be looking at colleges and areas that I would like to live, and volunteering, and working clubs and extracurricular activities into my schedule. I don't have any time for these things, which is extremely depressing. Even if I did have the time, I would be too afraid to join anything. I finally got excused from physical education this year because it's a huge source of anxiety and panic, and then they tell me that I have to join a gym and go for 90 hours in the semester. I definitely do not have that much time to do that, nor the money, and especially not the emotional strength. I don't know what to do.
Then there's money, again. After all my time working- since I was thirteen- I've made thousands of dollars, maybe 10. And right now I have 600 in savings and 50 in checking. I don't know where it went, besides the thousand that my parents owe me. It must have been clothes or something. I've started shopping at thrift stores now, which helps. I really want to start a college savings account, but I don't make enough a week to put more than 25 or 50 dollars in it after my bills and spending allowance. That's only 1200 to 2400 thousand a year, and not even three years to go. Every college that I dream of is around 38 or 40 thousand a year after boarding. I want to go to Berklee or Bard or Rice, but I'm probably going to end up in STCC or nowhere. That's such a horrible thought, to live in this violent city during the prime years of my life. I wish I could move...Boston or the mid coast of Maine, or anywhere on the Oregon shore line or maybe Montana. Oh what a dream. ...And my family's trouble with money, I don't even want to think about right now. I depress myself too much.
My mental state of being, after all of this stress, is ruining my life. I'm so confused in how to stablize it. One day I'm on top of the world and making plans for everything, and hours later I'm crashing into a deep, unrealistic depression that I can't even describe. Then in between I'm trying to figure out my life which leads me into the same viscious cycle. And my anxiety is ruining me. I'm never going to get anywhere in life hiding in a corner inside my head, especially not become a singer or cafe owner or poet. You need confidence and a mouth that can move to do any of that. I feel a perfect freedom while on stage but getting there is the major problem.
I need sleep. It's one of my rare nights off and even though I'm extremely depressed today (anything new?), I still cherish it.
current mood:  confused
current music: Lynard Skynard- Free Bird
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| Saturday, September 13th, 2003
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4:28 pm - Everybody Hurts...You Are Not Alone
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This song, even with the hopeful and supportive message, always makes me cry. It could be the lyrics, or the melancholy music, I don't know. I can imagine it on my life soundtrack, and I can see the film show, also.
Lately, stress is entirely overwhelming. My schedule does not allow a single second to myself or to connect with my environment. Wake up at 5, shower, 7 hours at school then 8 hours at work then 4 hours of homework, and a few minutes of disturbed sleep. I have no time to pay attention to my school work, and all of my teachers are going to kick me out of honors classes because I don't talk. My mind is entirely active, and the words on my papers express my thoughts, but I just can't bring myself to talk yet. I hate thinking that I will have to be in normal classes and listen to everyone complain and chat and gossip while I'm trying to learn so I can actually get on with my life. Or I can stay in honors and fail. There are too many decisions for an indecisive person like me.
I had a breakdown at work a few days ago, like the crashes that I had on Paxil, unrealistic and painful. I haven't quite had a full explosion lately, so knowing they're returning is all the more stressful. In the midst of many of these, I've nearly killed myself...And I am entirely against the selfishness of suicide. They strip me of my values and inhibitions so that I can only...I can't even describe it. It's just unrealistic.
I haven't been inspired to write at all lately. Maybe it's because I don't have the time, but I've always made time before. Or maybe I'm just too cold.
In a lecture to her class, my health teacher said that being negative takes so much more energy then being positive. Okay. Now how do I start to become positive? I wish I knew because I'd give nearly anything for it.
Autumn's approaching, my favorite season. I love halloween and thanksgiving, maybe for the memories, or the scents, or the taste of pumpkin pie and real mashed potatoes. Haven't had them in a while. A lot of people see autumn as everything dying, but I see it as everything changing with the cycle of life's tides...Who knows exactly what will happen next? I tend to change with the seasons, too. Spring makes me depressed because everything is thriving and beautiful and I'm not. Winter makes me bitter because the weather is just like me. Summer makes me lonely because it is then when I recognize how alone I am. But autumn, it's the spinning wheel. It makes me feel almost like me.
current mood:  sick
current music: REM- Everybody Hurts
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| Friday, September 5th, 2003
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11:32 pm - Identity: VOID
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Who am I? A broad question, definitely, yet so many people can answer it about themselves in a matter of seconds. To some people, it comes as easy as, "I love basketball, or dancing, or hanging out with my friends, or painting, or collecting moths, or building zombies..." I feel more like the zombie built and brought to life.
For me, answering this question is so hard. I've realized this in the first week of school, as many of the teachers want to get to know their students...And expect their students to know themselves. I'll have a piece of paper in front of me...Hi...I'm Kasey.
I am a blank white sheet of paper with only smeared empty black words
I am an old guitar string that once echoed minor chords
I am a record scratched from being played backward
I am a metronome at sixty beats per minute, marking each second wasted
I am a single brown, withered rose with no trace of fragrance left
I am a rubber band, stretched too far and too many times
I am a superfical "R" and a carved shallow "X"
I am bits and pieces of a soundtrack of depression
I am the last missing puzzle piece, torn into shreds
I am not a glass half empty nor half full, but a glass shattered
I am...Kasey.
A million empty things.
Oh but if I could just find a person that can see who I am without being blinded by the light of the darkness...Would a million empty things and a million empty things create a puzzle solved.
Wow I am incredibly tired. I will have to finish venting in the morning, and for now... My dreams will be my guiding light, for dreams are all that I have to escape to.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Sparta
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| Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
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8:49 am - Thinking About Getting Out
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"I'm thinkin about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinkin about being on my own
Think I've been wasting my time
I'm thinkin about getting out
Thinkin about getting out
In all this time, the bottom line's
you don't know how much I feel
you say you see but I dont agree.
You don't know how I feel."
::Sigh::
I need to get out of here, this house, town, life. I'm wondering when it will ever stop, if anything good will ever happen to me or this family. It's one thing after another, always getting worse. Whenever I think it can only get better, it gets worse. When will we hear a little bit of good news, or not get screwed by the government, or have a single peaceful day at home, or get a little extra money to put some food on the table when we need it the most. When will I come down the stairs and not have to step on shit and hear Arby screaming because the house is so small and close the damned road and hear Leah screaming because she never stops...When will I ever lose my hate for that kid. She's old enough to be able to learn a little respect and how to care for others, but it's still all about her in her world, and if it's not all about her in every else's, then she must make us miserable. I don't think her therapists and psychiatrists have ever come across a kid like her before. I really wish that she just didn't exist, none of us would be missing a whole lot, and as cruel as that sounds, I honestly think it's true. This house is chaotic with her inevitable screaming and crying and defensiveness and cruelety to me and my father...My poor father, she's always insulting him the most, and it hurts him badly, I can tell when he hurts, and she does it just for her self satisfaction. Ugh. And Jamie and Adam...Need to move out. Badly. I still feel bitter toward them for stealing my dad's pills, which could have potentially killed him, and would have if he had not been able to borrow them from someone, and now he's continuously going short and going through withdrawal trying to give them back to the person he borrowed from. Jamie and Adam were thinking about moving into a studio apartment in Springfield, great, but she thinks they're going to get a loan to buy a car. With Adam's in debt credit history, and her nonexistent history, that's impossible. And then there's my dad, who I love with all my heart, him and Maura being the only people that I do, and his back just keeps on getting worse and we keep on getting worse news.
Everyday is a struggle, and it's always the same thing, but each blow hurts more and more.
I'm never getting into college. I was researching again, I was thinking about going to Bard College, it's on the Hudson River and close enough to Hudson and close enough to my parents and close enough to water and scenery and it's not all about grades and tests, it's about thought and philosophy and liberal arts. I guess there are a lot of hippies there. It seemed like the place for me, next to Berklee, until I checked out the 40 000 tuition. Scholarships aren't given to people like me, because I'm not outgoing, or on student counsel, or in clubs and activities. I just shove my nose in school books and obsess over my grades and think too much, that's not what they want. I don't want to get a loan because I'll never be able to pay it off. And the work study program, I couldn't do because I don't even have any money to support myself otherwise. All of the money would have to go toward the tuition, and I would have to work all day and all night and not get a second of sleep. So financial aid, I assume, can't help an average fuck up like me.
See there I go with my cynical attitude again. I hate it. It's like I really don't have any controll of what I think and speak and write because there's just nothing positive up there. But I hate it and I know everyone else hates it. When will I ever have the ability to think positively. I know, I will when I'm happy...
I wanted to go to the Chatham fair in NY this weekend, and I've been looking forward to it all year because that's the only time that I get to see everyone. But I can't go, because I have to work Saturday and Jamie won't cover for me because now she wants to tag along, and I have to work Sunday, and I have to work 10 hours on Monday. Wonderful. So now I have to wait until next summer to see the only peers that I have a small amount of underlying feeling for, but that, I think will be diminished by then.
When will I be able to be a teenager.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Counting Crows- Speedway
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| Monday, August 25th, 2003
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9:23 am - Afraid of Waking
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I want to live on a private beach, secluded enough from the world to wake up and hear only the waves crashing against the rocks and piers, and the seagulls searching for food. I want to wake up early, when the sun is beginning to rise, and brew my fresh coffee. I want to sit out on the rocks and watch the sunrise, and let my golden retriever out to run on the pier and dip his paws into the water. I want my hair to blow in the cool wind. When I'm entirely relaxed, I want to go inside my beautiful house with pieces of me all over and big windows, and I want the light to flood in and I want to open the windows and feel and smell the sea breeze. I want the house to be clean, because it is only me living there at the moment and I keep it that way, yet I don't feel alone. I want to take a long bath in my round tub with aromatherapy scents and then I want to have blueberry pancakes or belgian waffles with strawberries and cream for breakfast and chai or cappucinno, everything homemade. Then I want to go to work at my cafe, Kasey's Canvas Cafe, for artists and poets and musicians and free spirits, that looks over the ocean rocks and I want it to be a nice walk from my house, maybe two miles on a rocky path looking over the ocean. I want to serve all of my customers, and I don't want to even have to ask them what they would like, because I've gotten to know them so well that I already know. I want these customers to know me inside and out, as I do them, so I'm never lonely. During my hour lunch break, I want to sing and play guitar on the stage, and everyone will sit with their heads in their hands and think, and I want to inspire someone everyday. I want to have a CD out, recorded at the home of one of my customers, and sell it for maybe 5 dollars at the cafe, and have an area for every other musician there to sell theirs. I want my cafe to be open all night, for insomniacs or anyone else to come for the open mic and coffee, and I want to visit on the rare nights that I can't sleep, and everyone will know me. On the weekends, and nights after I come home from work, I want my parents to come visit me, or I want to go visit them, because they will live about a mile up the shore from me in a house just as serene as my own. We will almost always have wonderfully great news to tell each other, our hardships will be in the past. Before I go to bed, I want to run on the shore under the stars with my dog and then lay down in my comfortable bed, and let the sound of the waves crashing lull me to sleep.
What do I want to be when I'm older? That's what I want to be, who I want to be. How do I get there? I don't know where to start. It's horrible how dreams always require money. Money to go to college, money to open my cafe, money to get my house, money to record my CD. Money that I don't have.
Well I can start with taking entrepreneurship in high school, which I'm taking next year. But I don't know what next.
If only dreams could come true.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Staind- So Far Away
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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4:19 pm - Meanwhile all the days go drifting away
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And some of us sink like a stone
I went to work today. It was kind of weird, I was confused all day. A guy came in, too, he was there about when I arrived and left 3 hours later. He sat outside my window on a bench, just sitting, he looked pretty thoughtful too. Who else would sit outside Mobil on a beautiful Saturday afternoon for three hours, but a lonely person that's just looking for something, somewhere or someone to go to? I don't know, he made me think, and I felt something kind of indescribable. Do two lonely people make two lonely people together? Or two people content with themselves and each other, and fit together like puzzle pieces? I should of said something, but of course my curse that screws my mouth closed every time that I want to speak stepped in.
The weather is beautiful today. With a nice breeze and nearly fresh air. Last night was great, too. But what did I do? Spent it indoors.
When I got home today, Dad wanted me to go the mall to get out because I think he pities me. He doesn't understand that I don't have anyone to call and ask, and I won't go alone. He spent a half hour trying to convince me to call someone, like Erica or Alicia, but I know for a fact that they both don't want me around. I'm a burden to anyone. I just need to find someone to be an equal burden onto me. Then him and Maura went to sleep and I cried, of course.
I've realized that there hasn't been a day in the past 3 years that I haven't had to deal with the pain and annoyance of tears burning up behind my eyelids, and having to bite them back, or having cried or been depressed at least at one moment a day. Before that, it wasn't as bad. When I was in seventh grade, though, and my sister started drinking and cutting herself, and I would have to find her from trails of blood, nearly dead, so often, and Delia was drinking like hell, and my Dad was never there, and I stopped socializing with people and got tormented and called a psycho everyday...That's when it got worse. Then I met Russ, again after not seeing him since we were very young, and I started to feel a small amount of hope when I moved into Delia's house. And then Delia started drinking more again and we would fight and then Russ and I had a nasty break up and I started to get more depressed again but I tried to hide it with all my existing energy. Then I moved back here and it's lead me even deeper into this depression, not an angsty time like before, but so deeply depressed and alone and closed up and I need to stop blabbering because I'm starting to confuse myself with where my sentences are going.
I NEED CHANGE
Because Shannon Hoon said that when life is hard, you have to change.
But Shannon Hoon died from drugs.
I'm going to go and sit in my rocking chair and stare out the window.
current mood:  numb
current music: Cold- Rain Song
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10:07 am - We Were Meant to Live For So Much More
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I am...stranded in a desolate castle made entirely of ice. Across the ocean from me are so many people that I can barely see. My castle is empty, just ice, and bitter cold inside. The ice will never melt with such cold temperatures so I'll never be able to break a piece off to build a raft to get to the other side of the ocean. I can't swim, either, I will freeze to death. So I'm left here, in my ice castle tragedy.
I really feel that way. So alone. If there are so many more people out there in this world that are as depressed as me, then where are they? I feel like an alien, so different. Anyone that I've met is as happy as can be until they break up with their significant other, or their parents won't let them do something, or something of the like, and they're so "depressed" but they could never understand this monster inside of me.
Then again, I don't understand either. What does it feed on, where did it come from? I don't know if it just built itself over time with the traumas of my past or if it was just placed inside me before I was born, as it was my family. And I don't understand how to kill it, or if I want to kill it because I don't know how to live without it. I don't know if I would be me without it because I don't remember not being depressed. It's all that I am, all that's inside me, it's eaten everything and there's nothing left of me and what if it's gone and then I'm nothing but...nothing.
It's so confusing. Like a million tiny puzzle pieces scattered under the snow in a blizzard. First, I have to find them all, find everything that needs to be fit together, then figure out how to do it. I don't know. I don't.
Went to Kim's birthday party last night. I hope she had a nice birthday, she deserves it. I don't. Barely anyone remembered mine. I had to work. I hate my birthdays, they always turn out horrible, and they're just a landmark in my life of time wasted. Anyway, I got a hell of a lot of "Oh, I didn't even notice you were there"s. That hurts me after a while. My one little outing in, well I don't remember how long, and I'm just as alone as ever, with so many people around me.
I hate this journal. When will I get to write something good.
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Switchfoot- Meant to Live
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| Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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4:54 pm - Kasey Hit the Atmosphere
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You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
I don't like quizzes. They point out facts that I usually bury as deep as I can. Ohh I know I have to make an effort with people but I really don't know what to do or where to start. I really am so alone and lost in myself and my mind isn't clear and I can't even remember not being this way. I can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed or isolated. I know people aren't going to just come to me but what do I do? Hi, I'm Kasey and I'm lost in myself and I'm so incredibly alone and will you hold me please, or take me out for ice cream? I don't know. Social skills should be a given in everyone's life but it's one of the most difficult things to deal with in mine.
I know it's not the best analogy, but I feel like the carbon dioxide inside of a soda bottle that's been thrown forcefully against a wall, and I'm just waiting and needing to escape with such great longing but I can't until the right person comes along and opens me up. I feel like there's a firepit on my heart that I've built a fire on that burns through to every emotion so nothing is quite right and the firepit can't be estinguished because there's no one there but me and I don't know how to do it. I feel like I'm on the brink of a cold lonely death with just this little bit of breath left on my lips and I can only be revived if someone blows it back in. Maybe this carbon dioxide waiting to erupt, and this fire pit, and this little bit of breath is my Pandora's Box, my little hope that leaves me holding on by a string.
"Today was just a day fading into another
And that can't be what a life is for"
I absolutely love that part of this song. It's definitely me. Each day has turned into waves of days that move in and out with the tide, leaving no imprint on anyone or anything and meaning absolutely nothing, but just another day fading in front of my eyes, as I watch from my rocks on shore, unable to move or catch the wave. I'm wasting my life away and soon enough I'll die alone and not a single person on this planet will know my name and I will even have forgotten my own.
Money issues...Wow...I never thought that it could be this difficult to exist. I know there are many people worse off that me, but now I really know. It's terrible. Last week, my parents had negative 200 in the bank, and they owe me 900, I think, at this point. I just went to fill my Topamax prescription at CVS today and they said that it required prior authorization because we're on the welfare insurance, which is nearly no insurance at all, and it cost 250. I had to get a week's worth for 60, but if I stop taking them, I'll go through withdrawal and have seizures. And I'm continuously looking at college tuitions and it just makes me more stressed and depressed because I'll never go to college. It's not fair that the kids who just breeze through schools with C's and don't even try, but they have money, get to continue their education, but kids like me, who work their asses off to get perfect grades on everything and strive for the best, yet don't have any money, will end up working at McD's or Mobil for life. I don't want to go to college to party like a lot of people, I just want to learn so I can feel good about something in myself, and maybe make some money for my family in the future to bring us out of this shit hole.
Life is so routine that it makes me sick sick sick. Every day, every week, every month is the same as the last and nothing significant ever comes of the time spent on nothing. Every day I do the same thing, down to the last detail of what body part I wash first in the shower or what chore I do first at work or what side of my mouth I start brushing my teeth on, and I don't even have to think about what I'm doing because I'm so used to the routine. And I'm sick of this place. I don't want to be here. I can't leave my Dad and Maura because they're the only people in the world that I love and care about, and that feel the same for me. I couldn't live without them. They can't leave and uproot Sean and Leah, the way I've been uprooted all my life. And money is needed to move. I need to find myself and I can't here. I felt something in Boothbay Harbor, Maine. We spent one day there on accident, during our horrible cheap camping vacation, and I just felt something. Maybe it was the store Enchantments because there were so many pieces of me in it, or maybe it was the Harbor itself, or maybe it was the breeze and the air and the freedom and the urge to fly. I can't stay here in this little insignificant town in the middle of nowhere where sports and rap are more important than the meaning of music and literature and philosophy and love. It's just sports and rap and rich people getting married that love sports and rap together and then end up getting a divorced, and then there's the few that need to escape. To make the run. From here to themselves. Ohhh I need to leave.
current mood:  stressed
current music: Counting Crows- Amy Hit the Atmosphere
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| Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
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5:50 pm - ~*Loss*~
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You are Loss.
Your life defines tragedy. You have experienced
great hardships on an unimaginable scale and it
has jaded your view of life.
What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What a suprise...
I don't feel good today. I haven't felt good for over a week. I think I'm going to die.
current mood:  lethargic
current music: Sarah McLachlan- Angel
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| Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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4:27 pm - Insurance and Food Stamps
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Hmm...Well, we applied for Mass Health, which lifts a lot of stress. Now we can continue getting our current meds, and we can all go to all of the doctors that we've so desperately needed to go to. I need to go to the doctor for my stomach, and to a therapist so that I can get a new psychiatrist to get different meds because mine aren't working, and to a dentist because I've had a terrible case of TMJ for a year and can barely open my jaw, and to an optometrist because I can't read without getting an excruciating headache, and I can't see ten feet in front of me.
What Mass Health does not cover, however, is all of our medical bills that have piled up since our insurance got cancelled a few months ago, without informing us. So there's over 30 000 in bills... This COBRA program that we might apply for might help that, but we still have to pay 1100 a month, which we really don't have.
My father also applied for food stamps today, which he didn't want to do because it's an issue of pride. But it relieves a lot. I payed for the last time we went grocery shopping, a few weeks ago, and we have no food again. It's hard to eat here. I lost my appetite for the most part. So I'm glad that he finally did that, we really need it.
current mood:  lazy
current music: Bright Eyes- Lover I Don't Have to Love
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| Monday, July 28th, 2003
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10:37 pm
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I have to finish complaining to my computer before I go crazy, or am I already to crazy to become anymore crazy.
Well...My father is on Oxycontin and Perkiset...Both expensive drugs...Both with heroin like effects...Both of which can be sold on the street for 50 bucks each...Yesterday, my father, Maura, Leah, and I went to Maura's niece's Abby's fourth birthday party. Jamie and Adam were the only ones here. We came back to pick Jamie up and bring her to work, and said we were going to go back to the party. Adam was then the only one home. My dad's back hurt, so we turned around to come back and get his pill's. Their bedroom door was unlocked, and was locked when they left, their light was on which was off when they left, Maura's magnifying mirror (in front of the window facing the driveway...) was broken, and over 12 of my father's Oxys were missing. And their door had scratches across the front, showing it had been broken into. And Adam was gone, without telling Jamie that he was leaving, which he never does. And Adam "used to be" a junkie. So now, my father has no pills for his excruciating pain, no insurance or money to buy them, and no prescription any time soon. And he won't accuse anyone unless he has proof. This isn't the first time this had happened either, and he had caught Adam snooping around their room quite a few times before. So Jamie called me tonight asking me to get my bathing suit out because she wanted to borrow it because they were going somewhere near Boston...Now where would they get this money to stay there...? And why Boston...Big $$$ for street drugs. Nice considerate daughter and fiance, are we? I'm extremely angry. How could they ever do anything like this. After all my parents have done for them. They're supposed to be moving out within two weeks. I just hope they don't destroy us before then.
And then there is Sean and Leah...Having to deal with them everyday is sooo stressful. Especially Leah, she has no morals whatsoever. She just pushes me over the edge just with the smell of her breath. Ugh.
Then there is school next year. I'm terrified. I have no idea where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do. I'm actually terrified. Everytime I think of it, my heart drops and I panic...Just the thought...I can't imagine going. I absolutely hate this school. This house. This town. I need OUT.
I want so badly to move back to Hudson. Or around there. I talked to Russ a few days ago, and I was so homesick that I couldn't bear myself. I miss him. I miss Kayleigh. I miss walking outside. I miss snow. I miss air. I miss the playground. I miss Shop Rite. I miss Puppy and Roxy. I miss Stuyvesant Falls and the rocks. I miss Oakdale. Even though I hate the area, that's where I am right now...I should be. I even actually miss my mother. I do. I've been flooded with memories the past few weeks. So many things have memories attached to them and when they're brought back, it's unbearable but soo wonderfully and beautifully sad. I'm so incredibly nostalgic. Scents are the biggest triggers. Everytime I wear my green tea hand lotion, I remember walking with Russ because I wore it on our first "date"...to the graveyard. And coffee is huge...I remember sitting at the table with my mother in the morning, quiet, before the town woke, drinking our coffee...sweet and light...and talking, nicely. And then I keep on getting flooded with memories even from when I was back to 2 and 3 years old.
I even wrote a poem about coffee...
I watched your face through the eyes of a child
(My eyes, they learned too fast)
And saw only love and happiness
(And learned to hate)
And cherished that moment
(Your eyes locked on mine)
While the feeling that I've known through my years
Flushed through my tummy and my heart and my head
And my swelling eyes
(When I felt my heart cry)
The shining square table separated the three of us
(You cleaned up nothing and everything when angry)
Your eyes were darting in every direction
(Suspicious and insecure)
I'd take my coffee like you
Sweet and light
(I'll remember you)
And I'd read the same news articles as you
(To the best of my comprehension)
And tell you how lucky we were
(Because we once had each other)
I'd take my coffee like you
Sweet and light
To remember
And I still do
And I wrote one about Russ too...
Against a sublime tree’s roots
I lay with my memories
On the moist grass that we once roamed on
Together and dreamed of forever
And I gaze into the stars that we once witnessed
That blessed us all the more
I can smell the wind as it carries my scent
Of green tea on my hands
Reminding me of reuniting with you
After years of childhood forgetfulness
And I can remember that scent mixed with your cologne
On your chest
As I buried my head in you
Whenever I needed solace
And when I hear every song
That your voice lulled to me
I stumble backwards on the road that I’ve taken
And fall into your arms again
Every sense that follows me
Carries memories of you
I’ll reach out to your hand
And tell you of these recollections
And how you changed my life
You’ll stare into my eyes
With yours, beautiful
And tell me that you can feel me too
Before I fall down from our castle in the sky
And wake from this seamless reverie
::sigh::
Maybe there's a reason for all of these memories...I don't know.
Well, Erica invited me to see a movie with her on Friday night...We went to see "How to Deal" which was incredibly dumb, but I had fun. I haven't hung out with her in a while, and she is the only person my age that I really respect here, and that respects me to some point. I went home after, but she invited me back that night to sleep over because she was bored. The next day, she had Victor and her ex boyfriend LJ over. LJ was even more shy than me, he didn't say anymore than three words the entire time he was there. That suprised me. It was nice to talk to Victor. I haven't talked to him in a long time, and it's weird to think that we were actually pretty close once. I don't know what happened between me and all of them, but I just drifted away like driftwood at sea and I don't think there's any turning back at this point. I don't know. I think I lost all of their respect, though, because I used to be so...wild...but I'm not like that anymore. Maybe it's because I don't often leave the house, or maybe it's because I'm really over that. I don't know.
That brings me to my alcohol cravings lately. I just want it. Badly. Not for fun. Just to drown. And that's not good, because I never really drank to drown that often, only when really very upset or stressed out. I only drank to have fun, and I guess that's healthy for any teen. Well not really healthy, but, yea... But now I just find myself continuously wanting a beer...Or bacardi...Rasperry bacardi...or long island iced tea...or anything. Or even marijuana. But I'm still clean, entirely, for now, and hopefully for long. I just need to get to six flags more often...I like the intoxicating feeling of roller coasters better than any drug or drink.
For optimism...Maybe I should add something to get myself in a better frame of mind before I leave my journal...Umm Well I went to PetCo and played with a ferret that I can't have tonight and the girl who worked there was unfriendly and I want her job. And I want that ferret. I miss Sonny. Why do my parents always have to get animals, let me love them, and then get rid of them damn it. The cute little thing climbed into my hair and was playing in it and licking my face and jumping all over me...It was adorable.
And the weather was nice tonight. It was my second favorite kind of weather. A cool summer night with a light breeze and dark cloudy skies. Perfect. Always puts me in a semi good mood. This is me in a good mood. Ha. My favorite weather will always be before a thunderstorm, though, when the sky is clouding over, and it gets really windy, and this beautiful serenity and calm falls over me...It's so tranquilizing and such therapy. I love it.
Oh, I've determined the five atmospheres in which I am almost truly content: alone with my parents, talking happily and laughing...on roller coasters...before thunderstorms...on boats in my favorite weather...and singing, especially for people. How can I combine these atmospheres into one? It'd be perfect. And another would be being in love, I should say, but I can't say that right now, can I.
Well, my hands are tired, and I feel somewhat cleansed. Thank you journal.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here
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6:39 pm - STRESSED!!!
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...Stressed...Out...
Lately everything has been going absolutely wrong...Lately, ha.
To start out, this everyday routine that I have...It makes me sick. Set the alarm clock for 9, get up at 9:30, shower, Dawson's Creek from 10 til noon...Cry, because I have to exit my fantasy after those two hours are over...And then clean. Clean, clean, clean. Obsessively. And then either lay around the rest of the day, or go to work for my routine work schedule...Everything always exact, in the exact order. I need a change. I ate a ranch twice baked potato today, which is something I normally wouldn't do because I don't like to try new foods, and I hated it.
I'm terribly sick. Haven't shit in weeks, and I'm continuously nauseous. And I can't go see the doctor, either, because we don't have any friggen insurance. Workers comp brought up this big legal case, that they're entirely wrong about, and stopped paying my dad and fired him and stopped our insurance. So we can't get our meds, which cost over 5000 a month, and Maura's bringing in about 600 a week and she's the only one getting paid. My parents owe me 700 now and that's sad because we didn't do anything to deserve this. Tyree sent my dad out alone on a two man job and he broke his back. And we're being punished. And now my dad is very depressed, I can tell, I'm trying my hardest to make him a little happy. He's always been the kind of man to want to do everything for his family, and now he can't and feels horrible about it. He started smoking again.
And more and more but I'm going to cling to my parents and go wherever they go now...Because that's my life...I need to continue venting later though, cause I opened it and now I need to finish it.
current mood: stressed
current music: Counting Crows- Round Here
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| Sunday, July 13th, 2003
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2:32 pm - Allergic to Sunlight...
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Well, yesterday I went to the mall with Alicia, Mike, and Justin. Alicia called me, I was suprised that someone remembered that I exist. I'm glad that I got out of the house for once, other than taking rides in the car (My name is Kasey, I enjoy long walks, rides in the car, and I don't bite...). However, I am not satisfied with the fact that I had to come back here, and I'm going to be here for a long while. I went with the mindset to only spend 40, which easily turned into 80. I bought some stuff I wanted, though. A shirt, two navel rings, incense, nag champa oil and a burner, and an ankle bracelet.
This lack of energy, interest, a social life, and sunshine is really getting to me, more than I thought it ever could. I pick up every little pamphlet and book I can get on social anxiety and read it through...It goes through the symptoms, and tells me I'm not the only one, and blah blah blah...Then it gets to the end and says you need to get help by going to a therapist and telling them everything, which happens to completely contradict what they have just said. I'm starting to think that I'm waiting for one of them to say that I don't need to find a therapist, and that I can make some kind of miracle and fix myself. These pamphlets and books don't seem to understand that I am terrified of therapists, and as soon as I enter their atmosphere, I'm bitter and angry, yet silent and reserved, and that anything they say that relates to anything that strikes any emotion inside me will force me to run out sobbing and into a breakdown. I have absolutely no idea why the hell that happens, it's just with therapists. With psychiatrists, I can just walk in, say quickly and quietly, I feel this and this, give me drugs. Same with doctors. But therapists, I just can't do it. Maybe I'm afraid of anything long term and having to work it out, I just want a quick fix. Actually, now that I think about it that way, that's probably the case because of my mood changes. I can't stick with anything, including the hope necessary for long term therapy. Or maybe I'm afraid of having to develop a relationship with them, and having to trust them, which I don't think I could do. Argh. I'm terrified of the one thing that might help me, how wonderful.
Ohhh I would do anything if I could just find one person that I could relate to, and they felt the same. I've always thought that this "feeling" thing I get is my soul mate calling me, or just something calling me, and I need to find it...It's a desperate feeling. But I'm starting the think that I'm destined to be alone. There are people that are destined to be rich and live large, people that fall in love and have loving families, people that travel and fall in love with places and people as they move around...But then some people have to be the ones that sit alone in chairs in their apartment windows, staring out, regretting all of the choices that they've made in their pathetic life, wishing they could be someone else, but not feeling that they're able to do anything about it, even though they really could, but they're too afraid. And that could be me. But for now, I refuse to think that way, because this thing that's calling me is my only hope that holds strong...Without it...I don't know.
Well, my dad starting smoking again and was trying to hide it from me. I knew it though, my strongest trait is perception, he was avoiding taking me with him when he went for a drive somewhere (which hurt me, because he knows that that's the only time I go outside, besides leaving for work). Mike told me that he was smoking though, and I talked to him about it last night...He said he didn't want us to be disappointed in him. I felt bad for him, because he's more stressed out then any of us right now.
When we picked Jamie up from work last night, she was giving my dad a hard time again. When he was on the phone, she started repeating, I'm gonna fucking hit him...Why can't she just move out, and stop taking advantage of him if she feels that way. She leeches off him for money in any way she can, and gets it too. Meanwhile, they owe me money.
I'm going to my psychiatrist at the end of this month if our insurance is straightened out by then...I don't know what I'm gonna do. I've been on so many different anti depressants, everyone of them has made me feel worse in a different way. I think I've felt every negative feeling possible now. She gave me three choices for bipolar meds that she could put me on, the one I chose gave me the rash that they warn patients about, had to stop that one before I could see if it would help. The other choice I really didn't want for some reason, don't remember what it was. The other one was Lithium, and I really do not want to be on that. From what I've read on it, it'll make me worse.
For anxiety, the choices they give are antidepressants, MAOI inhibitors or whatever, benza somethings, and seizure meds. I've been on antidepressants and seizure meds, I definitely don't want the MAOI shit because they react with everything, and the benza things are Xanax, Valium, Atavan, and stuff like that. I've already tried Xanax and Atavan, both of which help a little, but they're not daily meds, and how am I supposed to know when I'm going to have horrible anxiety or a panic attack? ::Sigh:: I'll just have to see what this woman says...Although she should not be a psychiatrist...She forgets everything she says and always disregards my age...And with Maura, she increases and decreases the same meds, Maura points it out, she says, "Oh, I sorry."
Argh...When am I going to be allowed to live.
current mood:  listless
current music: Counting Crows- Colorblind
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| Friday, July 11th, 2003
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6:26 pm - I am one with myself...
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I am the number
1
I am the loneliest number
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what number are you?
this quiz by orsa
Ha...That's sad.
That's reassuring after a nice breakdown today because I realized that the highlight of my day, every day, is leaving the house to go the grocery store or for a ride in the car with my parents, if that even happens, because half the time they don't want me around, clinging to them... And I look forward to going to work, and work is miserable. How pathetic.
Maura told me about some kind of choral group called Up With the People, or something like that, that travels nation wide for concerts...Sounds like the perfect thing for me...Like that traveling magazine crew seemed perfect until I realized they were all druggie teens picked up off the streets across the countries. But, I'm naive and susceptable, so I guess I'll do anything with some sort of promise. I just need something...Anything...To occupy my voice and I, and get me out of this town, at least once in a while. I'm bored with singing sad songs to myself...It isn't very enjoyable.
current mood:  lonely
current music: Dishwalla- Every Little Thing
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2003
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3:02 pm - ...Waiting...
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Ahhh Colorblind...Such an amazing song. It definitely belongs on that imaginary soundtrack to my life. I love songs that you can just fit with certain moments, and the emotions so much more intense. Like with this song, in my case, I can see me in 10 years, alone in my lonely house on my lonely back porch in my desolate back yard, with the wind blowing through my hair, before a storm and before my crash into depression, and my coffee in my hand, on a manic high, trying to convince myself that I'm ready to come out of my shell, step out from behind my facade, and help myself to the life that I've always dreamed of while sitting here on this same porch every morning...And hoping that maybe one morning I won't be here alone, knowing that I have to expose myself to someone before they can be a part of me, before they can sit on this porch with me, and trying not to be afraid of it. ::Sigh:: And that's exactly what I've always feared. And that's where another song come's in, Staind's Reality. What is it that I'm so afraid of exposing?
Well, I went to NY this weekend with my parents. I spent 100 dollars on my hotel room, but it ended up being worth it. On the way there, I thought Kayleigh was going to ditch me, decide she'd rather be going somewhere else, because that's just how my life goes, but I ended up getting in touch with her when we were not too far from her house. We went to Albany, where we had hotel reservations, but the hotel was horrible (there was pubic hair in my parent's sink...) so we left and went to a "five star" hotel...We don't go to those often...So we had fun there, we went swimming inside and outside, went in the jacuzzi, got room service at midnight, and went to starbucks in the morning. We caught up on everything that we haven't talked about in so long, and we were just weird, like we always are when we're together. She's...changed. A lot. I'm worried about her. Anyway, we turned the TV on for a little while at night, and we were watching some fireworks in the south that had a synchronized symphony. They played a lot of the songs that we played in band this year, and we sounded just as well. I felt kind of guilty for not signing up for next year, this is the first year I haven't signed up. I need to get my requirements over with, though. So we went to the fireworks in Albany that night, and they were pretty good as usual, because it's the capital. They always use lasers as spotlights, and have nice fireworks, except for this year was quite a bit more dangerous than usual...They were really close to the ground and we were standing right underneath them. There were burning ashes falling to the ground all over, and they exploded when touched. I got an ash in my eye, it hurt. We couldn't even watch the grand finale because of the falling ashes. It was amusing when we brushed our hair off afterwards. Then we had to wait an hour for a taxi...Fun. We went book shopping the next day, which has to be my favorite thing to shop for. I hate when times like these are over with, and then it's inevitable that I have to come back here. I hope that someday I'll have a home I can look forward to going home to.
Kayleigh's planning on coming out here to visit for a week this summer, I think that should be fun, but we always end up fighting when we're together for too long...We're so different. So hopefully we've both grown up enough to just back off. She was talking about Corey and Shannon and Meagan and everyone, and reminding me of all our memories, I really miss those times.
I need to make friends. I'm pathetic. It hurts to wake up in the morning. I laugh at myself. Nearly every friend I've had, I've lost, as a friend. Completely lost connection with. Ha, that's where Blind Melon's Change comes in play...When life is hard you have to change...Too bad Hoon ended up dying from drugs...
I would do anything for just one true friend. Just one, is that too much... Do I not deserve that? Just one person to talk with me, walk with me, maybe even laugh with me and understand me and let me understand them and listen to me and let me listen to them and actually consider me as part of their life, as I'm sure I would do for them. ~*I wish I could be every little thing you wanted*~ Listen to this girl... Pathetic. Sad, more like it. Can't imagine what people must think of her....
I bought my summer reading books on Saturday, so I've been working hard on that lately. I've realized something about myself...I can NOT take notes. I finished the first book, which was a little over 150 pages, and ended up typing 20 pages of notes. We were supposed to have 2. Now I've started the next book, and already typed 2 pages of notes on the first chapter alone. This is what I do with myself. Can't wait til the third book, it's 250 pages...I really need to learn how to take notes. I write every little detail down.
I've been obsessing about money lately. It kind of scares me, because I have nothing else to occupy myself with other then counting coins and bills over and over again and checking my bank balance. I literally freak out over every penny I see, and must have it...Even if it's in the middle of the road. And I never spend what's in my wallet. Lately, the only place that my money has been going is to my parents, and I don't mind that at all.
We don't have health insurance anymore. Since Worker's Comp stopped paying my father, they decided to stop our insurance in April and not tell us...Which is illegal...And my dad got his 30,000 dollar surgery after April...So, now I have neither medical nor dental insurance, how wonderful is that. I'm unhealthy anyway. Live fast, die young. There's got to be something we can do about this though.
Today, tonight, tomorrow, next night, too long, too late, til then I'll wait...Sigh...Dishwalla's Today, Tonight...It's exactly what I do. Wait. Don't know for what, but I'm sure there's something that I'm waiting for. Maybe a savior. Maybe an interest. Maybe an inspiration. Maybe a new place. Maybe...I'll just have to waste more time waiting for something that will never come.
I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose, but I know that that's impossible now...Ahh Bright Eyes, If Winter Ends...Amazing song. Another one that belongs on my soundtrack.
::Sigh::
I suppose I should eat, I think I'm hungry.
current mood: lonely
current music: Counting Crows- Colorblind
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| Friday, June 27th, 2003
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9:32 pm - Breathe...
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Lately, life hasn't been great and I can't seem to do much about it. I'm lonely as all hell. I don't have any good friends from here, besides Erica and my parents, and I don't really talk to my friends in NY anymore because we never see each other or get the chance to talk. And Erica has no time for my pathetic self, so that leaves me to talk to myself and my cat. I promised myself that I would get out of this sad town this summer and meet people somewhere else, but I'm too afraid to do it alone. Figures. I always break every promise to myself, especially if it includes something that I have any fear of doing. And that's how I end up wasting so much time. And that's how I end up regretting every minute of wasting time. And that's how I end up desperate. Sooo What are you going to do about it girl?!? Damn I think and I think about this shit and come up with all kinds of solutions and never have the chance to write them down...And forget them.
My dad's health is continuously disintegrating. There's always something wrong with him, one thing after another, I don't know how he deals with the pain. He just got his neck fusion done, which normally takes 6 months to rehabilitate but he was fine the next day, and now doctor's are still trying to figure out what to do with his lower back. And something is majorly wrong with his stomach, and it isn't gull bladder, but the pain is worse because he's been on such high doses of pain killers for so long. And now Worker's Comp is trying to fuck us over by relating his neck fusion with his lower back, which was the reason that he stopped working. So they're going to stop paying him because they say that he's out of work for the wrong thing. So...Yea we're screwed. Maura is the manager of a gas station. There's seven people in this family. I don't know how this is going to work out. They still owe me a few hundred, don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. I don't mind though.
The EL carnival is this week...How wonderful...A great reminder of how lonely I am. Erica was supposed to meet me there on Wednesday after I got out of work at 10, but I ended up waiting there til 11 and going home, she told me later she had left. I'm supposed to go Saturday with her... I went outside tonight. It was depressing because I could hear the people laughing, and it is such a beautiful night, the kind that smells and feels like memories...And I'm here, inside, on my computer, dressed for nothing.
Went to work today. It was terrible. There was no air conditioner, and the doors were open. It was 107 degrees in the garage on their thermometer, so it must have been between 90 and 100 in the store. It's a bit hard to function like that... Eh At least I have a job, I'm grateful for that. Then I got home, and did nothing, of course.
Last night Jamie was in her viscious mood. She started bitching at me over dishes, although I hadn't even eaten anything that day and I had done the dishes the night before. And that was her chore for the day, not like that matters to her anyway. So she said her usual shit, that she does everything and I do nothing and I'm a fat lazy pig cunt whore blah blah blah. Okay, well she cleans when she feels like it. I clean everyday, except for when I'm at work. I'm not fat, I'm healthy. And she always complains because Delia used to call her fat so she became anorexic, and how much she hates Delia...So who is just like Delia...Lazy, isn't everybody? She barely leaves her room. She dropped out of school at 14 and is still living with her parents. Cunt, okay yeah right...Whore, I can see that although I'm a virgin, right... And then she goes about pushing me all over the place, like usual, she seems to get pleasure out of hurting me. She almost broke Maura's computer by pushing me into it, good thing I caught it. And she's been so fucking selfish about the upstairs air conditioner. First, she took it out of the hallway and put it in her room without consulting me, so my room was well above 100 degrees. So then we ended up getting a new one because the old one couldn't take the heat, and this new one has two vents that can change directions...Everytime I go by it, both vents are pointed at her room, and my room is above 100. And soo Maura bought us both fans. Mine ends up closer and closer to her room all the time. And everything in my room is melting. Actually melting. As long as hers is cool though...
Argh.
::Breathe::
current mood: lonely
current music: Bright Eyes- If Winter Ends
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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11:26 pm - Keep Making These To Do Lists, But Nothing Gets Crossed Out
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Hmm...I've forgotten about this little realm of cyber space that's my own, in the midst of so much damned stress. I seemed to have lost that hopeful frame of mind somewhere, quite a while ago. It's too much effort. I tried, though, and I still will try, when I can. I've been really worked up and stressed out lately, with finals and work, and the fact that I almost lost credit for all of the courses that I've worked so hard on this year because of absences, regardless of the fact that I have a perfect average in every class. I pulled my hair out studying for my finals, but I did good, glad that's over...Kind of. I freaked out when I thought that I lost credit...That would be such a waste...I have an A or A+ in every class, and I worked so hard for that to assure myself with. I would have to stay back with those grades... And the absences weren't even my fault, a majority of them were for panic attacks and days when I couldn't get out of bed. The ones that I got excused, for the most part, were for being really sick. I have to make an appointment with my psychiatrist months in advance, so it would be impossible to continuously excuse panic attacks. But that's what I ended up doing now, that lifted so much of a load.
Today sucked...Yea. I worked an 8 hour shift til 10, and Erica was supposed to meet me outside the carnival at 10:15...So I waited there for an hour. Ditched, of course, because that's the way life goes.
Summer sucks. I hate summer. I'd rather be in school. At least going to school gives me a reason to get up in the morning. During the summer, I just sleep...And sleep...Which makes me more tired...So I sleep some more...And then I eat...And sleep. And then I feel entirely guilty because I've wasted such precious time that I could have done anything with, but I'm too weighed down with something, not sure what, and then life keeps wasting away, and soon enough I'm old and withered and regreting that I haven't done anything with my life. So yea, I don't like summer. I should try to find a reason to wake up...But everytime I find something, I just sit there and stare at it and never go through with it. Ohhh well. Not oh well, but oh well for now.
Argh.
Family life is stressful. Everything's going wrong. What the hell can I do.
Time to sleep...Yea...And sleep...
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: Bright Eyes- Nothing Gets Crossed Out
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003
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9:22 pm - Epiphany (The Sun After the Storm)
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I’ve seen the rain through the eyes of nostalgia
Felt the fire through the skin enclosing the bile
I’ve tasted the cold breath of the mundane and tedious ephemera of life passing by
And now, I’ll tell you, I’ve grasped the epiphany of the sun after the storm
I woke in the morning with painted eyes
And caught a glimpse of the sun rising from the horizon
I felt the poetry in my mind, and the melodies in my heart
As they grew and entwined into my harmony
So I sang it aloud for the world to hear
And the trees delicately flowed in the wind
As the moon danced with the sun
And I absorbed the radiance of life
Oh, to live a dream
And wake in the morning knowing that you are where you belong
And knowing who you are
Oh, to inspire the world with the light of your harmony
Your epiphany of the sun after the storm
So today I have been trying to work with myself to become...Well I don't know what I want to become, but I guess I really have to figure out. Optimistic, definitely. I am way too cynical. Giving, because I am painfully selfish. Determined and vigorous, because I am often apathetic and listless. My overall presence needs to become a lot more positive, because I make people around me feel like shit...And I need strength, ohhh I need strength. I know I have it hidden somewhere, I just need to find it. I've been through so much, I guess I'm just afraid to be strong now.
I've been trying out little things to see where they get me and how they make other people feel. I realize that most people like to talk about themselves, and letting them usually makes them feel good that someone listens, and makes me feel good that I am capable of doing so. And I realize that buying material things for other people makes them feel good, and me feel better than if I buy them for myself. And I shouldn't ask as many questions as I usually do, to make sure I don't disappoint people, because it just annoys other people, so they end up hurting my feelings.
Today, Erica and I went to the mall. I'm glad I got out of the house, or I probably would have just fallen back down and thought, fuck optimism. But then again, I ended up spending a hundred bucks. I did buy Jamie and shirt that she wanted because she needs clothes, and I bought Maura a shirt I thought she'd like and a patchoulli candle. So it was worth it. I also got a couple shirts for me that I now don't like, of course, so I'll probably either give them to Maura or Good Will, underwear, eyeshadow, facepowder, a hell of a lot of hand sanitizer, and coffee...And I think that's all. So I don't know where I spent so much.
Tomorrow, I think I'm finally going to have the courage to go to Mr. Bail's class to submit my poems for the literary magazine, if it's still open. I've had them in my purse for so long, and tried to, but I think I'm ready now. I have nothing to hide.
Think that's all I need to splurge at the moment...hopefully...Nice word...
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Blind Melon- Walk
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| Saturday, June 7th, 2003
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9:24 pm - Flaw
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I need to purge a bit. The past couple of weeks have been terrible, I don’t know if it is just me or my medication. I would guess that it’s my medication, because most antidepressants that I’ve been on have made my mood swings tremendously worse. I’m on a mood stabilizer also, though, so I don’t know. I don’t have another appointment with my dense psychiatrist for a while. I really think I have borderline personality disorder. Every book and analysis that I’ve read about the illness fits me nearly perfectly. But she won’t consider diagnostic testing for that yet, because I’m too young. I don’t think I’m bipolar or just depressed, both in which she’s continuously failing in trying to medicate me for, but she doesn’t even bear in mind my opinion. She hasn’t even asked me any questions about my life or how I feel, just the intake questions that the hospital and doctors always ask, and decides what to medicate me with on that. I’m going to see about finding a new psychiatrist, maybe one that speaks fluent English...
In school this week, I’ve been more depressed and anxious than usual, I don’t know why though. Some specific people seem to sense that I feel like shit and then take it and shove it down my throat. Great friends. I overanalyze myself as it is, and they do also, and then tell me that to my face. I have concluded that all of the people in this school mean nothing to me, as I do to them. Every day this week was so hard to get through. I had to leave a few classes crying, but I can’t skip one more full class because I will lose credit, so I have to go back to every one. Friday was a bit easier to take on because I took Xanax before and during school, knowing the shit I would get from the same people. I need to get a prescription for that or Valium, but I have to wait until my next appointment. I just hope to hell I can make it till then.
I have realized that all of the flaws that I pick out of my personality are the same flaws that I pick out of Delia’s. I am a lot like her. And I hate her with a passion. I treat people the same way that she treated me. The same way that her parents treated her. It’s up to me to break the cycle. And if I can’t... I don’t know. If I am still fucked up when I am older, I am not going to have children. And nobody wants someone so fucked up. I was talking with Maura today about this. We were in Stop and Shop...Then of course, I had to run out crying, because that’s what I do. I’ve decided that I really need to get into therapy. I’ve tried so many times before, but as soon as I get in there, I can’t talk. But I need to straighten out my mind before I can straighten out my life, so I can make people around me happier. I need to do this for myself and for my family and for my future family, if there is going to be one. I have to change, and I can’t do it on my own. My mind is far too gray, and I don’t know where to even start. I wish there was some kind of surgery for people like me, they could chisel at every little memory and emotion in my head and figure it all out...Sigh...
I need to get into PVPA for next year. The school administrators are so lazy, though. They always tell me two different things, never get back my calls, never keep in touch to tell me about meetings. I’m going to call them every day this summer though, screw myself up their ass until they have to get me in their for next year. I can’t stay in this school anymore. I strongly dislike the people here, and the music program, and the fact that sports are more important than academics, and that classes aren’t even nearly a challenge to me. If I were in PVPA, at least I could be around people with a mind state with the likes of mine. I need to be in a more artsy environment, and PVPA is the perfect place.
I have to sleep now...
current mood: contemplative
current music: Stabbing Westward- The Thing I Hate
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