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Life and Stuff [22 Nov 2009|03:04am] [ mood | contemplative ] You know what’s sad? Weeks have gone by, and there’s really nothing special to say about my life. Don’t worry, I still have plenty to talk about. There have been a few momentous events worth noting. Most of this post will probably end up as my contemplations, but anyone who reads this should be used to that by now. The other weekend, I visited Amy and Jen (who was at Amy’s). I hadn’t seen Jen in years, and I know it’s been quite some time with Amy. It was really nice seeing them again. We just pretty much hung out and talked, eventually ordering pizza. The pizza was quite greasy…it was sooo good dipped in ranch dressing. It was almost like Leombruini’s in Byron. Anyway, we then watched Blades of Glory while Jen and I tried sniping pictures of Amy with our cell phones. I was expecting the movie to be horrible since I really hate Will Farrell. Surprisingly, though, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Jon Heder is really hot when he wants to be. I was hoping that his character was gay, but alas, he wasn’t. Figures. After the movie, Jen went home, leaving Amy and I just to hang out and chat. Amy left for Michigan the following weekend, so it was definitely good timing. Hopefully we can hang out again in the near future. It’s too bad they live so far away. I think Jen is like 45 minutes from Amy in the opposite direction, and I’m an hour and fifteen away. My favorite part, though, was driving to her place by memory. Sure, I had the directions, but I didn’t really use them. You figure I’ve only been to her place a couple of times, and that was over three years ago. Ehn, I was impressed with myself. Jeff suggested that we hang out after my visit to Amy’s since Sycamore was on the way back. Sure. It had been awhile since we had seen each other (though not nearly as long as it had been with Amy and Jen). Again, I somehow stumbled upon his place. Although I had directions, there were absolutely no street signs in Sycamore to indicate where I was supposed to go. In his fairly large complex, I was able to make my way to his building. Well, I was actually a building off, but that’s okay. The two of us left for Wal-Mart right after I got there. He wanted to get some mixers so we could have a little to drink, and I wanted to get a new nosepiece for my glasses. See, after showering that afternoon, I was toweling off and somehow managed to knock my glasses onto the floor. I picked them up, and noticed something different. Oh yeah, the nosepiece was gone. Luckily, that was the extent of the damage since I can’t really afford to buy new ones right now. -_-() Anyway, Jeff and I had a couple drinks as planned while watching Brüno. When I told people that I watched it, their reactions were along the line of “Oh god”. They were expecting pretty much what I had been. In actuality, it was a decent movie. I wouldn’t put it in my top ten, but like Blades of Glory, I was a bit persuaded by an attractive lead character. It was interesting to see everyone’s reaction to this very flamboyant crazy guy, though I wonder which issue people took offense to more…? After that, we watched a couple episodes of South Park. Then it was bedtime. Seeing as how I didn’t even make it to Jeff’s until almost midnight, I was surprised that we had stayed up until 4+ in the morning. It wrecked my sleep schedule, but I enjoyed doing it. The next morning, Jeff was nice enough to make us omelettes and Tater Tots. Not too shabby. Then we played around on his X-Box for awhile before calling it a day. Good times. This last weekend, I went over to my dad’s. We hadn’t seen each other or really talked since August, so that was nice. He needed help collecting and organizing Jeff’s expenditures over the last couple of years, so I was able to do that for him. Other than that, we just kind of hung out. We went to Pizza Hut Friday. I guess they had a deal where you could buy any size pizza with any toppings for ten bucks. Okay, it’s still a rip-off, but that’s a great deal as far as Pizza Hut’s concerned. I went home Sunday evening, but not before he treated me to Sunrise. The biggest surprise of the weekend was him giving me fifty bucks. I know his financial situation—like everyone’s I know—isn’t ideal. So, it was a very nice gesture. I tried to refuse the money, but he wouldn’t hear of it. Perhaps I spent too much time talking about my joblessness and financial insecurities? He invited me to go to Golden Corral on Thanksgiving with him and Jeff, but I had to decline since I already agreed to stay here and prepare the meal since my mom works the night before. I felt pretty bad declining his invitation; I didn’t know exactly what to do. He was invited over here, but he decided against it (though claims it was Jeff’s call). I can’t imagine he’d feel comfortable being here, especially since it has been disastrous every Christmas attempt… I saw Krista on Tuesday for the first time in awhile. We went to DeKalb, eating lunch at Steak ‘n’ Shake. I had gift cards for it, so I figured why not use them? Turns out there was only five bucks on them. I wasn’t thrilled that I had to pay for the rest of my meal out-of-pocket, especially since I’m on a complete spending freeze at this time. My money is only going to two places—my cell phone bill and the monthly set of Woot monkeys for me and Dan. I actually just bought a pair recently. They have rainbow tie-dye capes with a big yellow smiley face on them. Truly, they are the epitome of me and Dan’s friendship. I’ll be the rainbow tie-dye, and he can be the smiley. :-3 Okay, I know I’m lame. Anyway, she had to print out some stuff at the computer lab, so I kept busy filling out a crossword. Sure, I could’ve helped, but she had to print out A LOT. I was too embarrassed, especially as a non-NIU student, to print out that much. It was really awkward being at an NIU computer lab. All the users seemed…like children. I felt so old sitting there amongst them. Anyway, we went back to her place after a side trip to Target Copy to make a few color copies. We just kind of chilled (a theme amongst the people I spend time with), and watched Biggest Loser when it came on. I’m not the biggest fan of the show (no pun intended), but it’s fun to see crazy fat people starve themselves and exercise. After that, Krista cooked dinner for us—taco quiche. It didn’t sound too appetizing, especially since I had a chipotle burger for lunch. However, it was quite tasty. She used leftover rotisserie chicken, so the meat was pretty tender. We decided to try to make a fajita version of it sometime. That sounds even better (I like fajitas more than tacos), so it should be interesting. As I already indicated, I’m still jobless. Seriously, there is nothing out there. Last night, I actually had a moment of weakness and was looking into going back to school (both at UF and not). In the end, I decided not to start panicking and rushing into stuff I’ll later regret. Sure, being in school offers many securities. Financial aid is the primary one. But…do I really need to rack my debt up more? It’s almost unbearable as it is! Not only that, but what exactly would I be going back to school for? I thought about going back to school for counseling. I think that would reaaaaaally benefit me, you know? It seems that this has been my route in my quest for finding a job. Counseling abusive men, career counseling, etc…it just seems to be where I’m heading. Alas, I couldn’t find any local schools with degrees in counseling. NIU has a Master’s program in Education Counseling (like, being a guidance counselor). I definitely don’t think I’d like to do that. One, I’m done with schooling. Two, that limits what kind of counseling I can do. *sigh* I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I don’t want to return to UF for many reasons. I JUST LEFT, for starters. But then there’s the issue of readmission, and getting a Ph.D. in sociology when I don’t want to teach (really, it can’t open up that many more doors than an M.A. would)… Even if I decided to pursue the professor route, it would be counterproductive to my long-range plan. As everyone probably knows by now, I want to follow Dan and Jeannette when they finish school. Maybe it’s just a pipedream. But, it’s all I really have to hold on to right now, you know? It’s the only hope I have. If I got my Ph.D. with an intention to teach, Dan and I would be competing for jobs. The likelihood of finding a position in the same school as him, especially when university jobs are limited as of late, is almost nonexistent. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not limiting myself for him. It’s just an addition reason for why I should not return to Florida and pursue my Ph.D… I have an interview Monday for a security guard position at Shawn’s place of work. I wouldn’t be working with Shawn since the company sends its workers to various outlets in Rockford. There are a number of downsides to this job, but my main concern is safety. *shudder* With my luck… Anyways, there are no positions open at the moment. However, they are planning on letting people go in the near future, so there may be future positions that need to be filled. I’m banking on the laziness and stupidity of others…what a world. I figure an interview can’t hurt. I have a better shot interviewing for a job with no openings than not interviewing anywhere at all. Meanwhile, I finally got UF off my back. It wasn’t easy. I decided to ask Shawn to lend me the rest of what I owed (nearly 600 bucks). He was hesitant, since money lent in this family is money lost. I fully intend on paying him back as soon as possible. I just need a damned job first. I told the bitch I had talked to at UF (the one who treated me like I embezzled the cash) that the payment would be a week late (after she called and emailed me the day it was due). Instead of telling me “That’s fine. Just make sure it gets here ASAP,” she told me that she’d report me to the debt collection agency by the end of the month if it wasn’t in. I oh-so-love threats. I really, really do. What I should’ve done is paid back everything except a penny. Then they can report me to the debt collection agency over a penny. What’s a 20 percent fee for one cent? Oh, zero cents. Good to know. Sure, it’d hurt my credit, but they can suck my dick. I’m just glad to be finally rid of UF and all its stupid bureaucratic bullshit. I wouldn’t be so bitter at them if they didn’t have me repay my student loans that first year, threatening me back then as well. Oh, and also for their own mistake. Now I just owe Shawn 600 dollars. -_-() Out of the fire and into the frying pan, as they say. My foot pain that I had at the beginning of this year popped up this week, too. It only lasted for two days, and was a mild inconvenience at best, but it scared me a bit. The security guard job—assuming I get one—is walking-intensive. I love walking, so that’s not a problem. But, it is probably best not to go into the interview with a limp, if you know what I mean. Luckily, it subsided. I’ve been thinking about Dan a lot lately (surprise, surprise. When am I NOT thinking about him?). Like I said earlier, I sometimes wonder if following him is nothing more of a pipedream of mine. Something that I mulled about the other week was his position in my life. I tried explaining this to him the best I could, but I’m sure I failed. I really love that Dan is in my life. But, sometimes, I worry about him BEING my life. To label us as “just friends” is grossly inaccurate. We do have a pretty special friendship. I know this because I’ve never had one quite like it. I’m not so sure he has, either. But like I said earlier, sometimes all I have at the end of the day is the hope of following him in a few years. I don’t know if I like this. Certainly it gives me something to look forward to, but it can’t be my only goal in life. You know what I mean? Dan indirectly admitted to liking being such a big focus in my life, even though it made him selfish. It’s kind of nice that he feels that way. It helps support my “we’re not the average friendship” claim. Let’s be realistic, though—he is more than a friend, but it’s not like we’re dating or married. I don’t think he should be my life. Hell, even if we were married, I still don’t think he should be. I guess it comes down to reciprocity. Jeannette can be his life, but I would never be. It’s kind of like the idea of following him. If the roles were reversed, would he follow me? More importantly, should that affect how I feel or what I plan? I probably shouldn’t be insecure. Dude truly cares about me, yeah? That much I know. But, I guess it’s because we have a unique friendship. It’s hard to navigate thoughts and feelings sometimes. It’s abnormal for someone to move because of a friendship, but it’s normal for someone to move because of a relationship. What do you do when you’re somewhere in between? I don’t know…like I said, I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. post comment

Halloween 2009 [04 Nov 2009|02:38am] [ mood | okay ] Something amusing happened after my last post. Gina, who I cannot tolerate more often than not, messaged me for the first time in months. God, what a beautiful day that was. For awhile there, I was pretty depressed. I had been beating myself up mentally because I still hadn’t found work, and being rejected by an organization when I had such high hopes…it was a little too much for me to handle. I know I have a nonchalant, easy-go-lucky approach to the problems in my life, but sometimes, it is difficult to maintain it. When your whole world seems to have collapsed around your feet, how can you even hold your head up? It got really bad. Really…bad. To give you an example that I do not want to go into details about, I forgot why Dan mattered to me. I feel horrible that this happened, but I was so distraught and disheartened that I just couldn’t see the value in anything anymore. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that disheartened before. I vow to never get that disheartened again…at least not to the point that I lose sight of something so dear and important to me as Dan and his friendship… I stopped calling him, both because I was too disheartened to socialize and because I couldn’t figure out why I would socialize with anyone at all (especially him). But, much to my surprise, he called me Tuesday. I didn’t expect it, since he never calls. After talking with him for 2 1/2 hours (part of which was spent on a three-way call with Jeannette), I felt much better. It was as if some weight had been lifted off my shoulder. I didn’t feel like a complete failure as much. It’s not that he said anything in particular; he just has a way of pulling me out of the strongest, deepest unhappiness. He’s amazing like that. At the risk of sounding dumb…it’s like he’s my heart. You know? I need him to keep…feeling. *shrugs* Anyway, it took me a little while longer to pull myself fully from my depression. I carved my pumpkin, making sure to bake the seeds (which tasted just like popcorn). I chose a haunted house design before I even bought my pumpkin, but it turned out to be too small for my pumpkin. Thus, I complemented it with a ghost pattern next to it. Together, they made quite a display. It really went well with Keenan’s spooky face design and my mom’s…goblin…design…? (I don’t know what it is.) Halloween was relatively uneventful. The dishwasher has been shitty lately, so I’ve taken to washing dishes by hand. Of course, I use rubber gloves to keep my hands clean and dry. That’s how I spent most of my Halloween. I got to pass out the candy, though. I had wanted to dress up, but in the end I couldn’t think of a costume. My motto: go all out or don’t try at all. My favorite costume was in the first batch of kids. We only had like nine trick-or-treaters, but my favorite was a boy of maybe five years old dressed as Luigi from Super Mario Bros. It was pretty badass. We had a ton of candy left over, though, so I made sure to get my fill of that. I took many pictures with my video camera since I cannot seem to locate my digital camera for the life of me. I really want to know where that damned thing went… I’ve been looking for work, but so far, I’ve still been unsuccessful. Jennifer sent me an article the other day explaining how the economy is getting better…except for areas such as Rockford. Greeeat. I picked one of the few places in the country where the job outlook is projected to get WORSE over the next year. Greeeat. -_-() I need a job, and I need money. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do, but I’m no longer going to beat myself up about it. I’ve started playing Xenogears again. I started awhile back (before I got Persona), but I haven’t brought myself to play it since. The guilt of being jobless prevented me from playing video games or watching TV. I can’t keep doing that, you know? I’m looking. I’m doing everything I can to find a job short of going from storefront to storefront asking if they’ll hire me. Hopefully I’ll find something SOON, but I’m not going to feel too bad if it doesn’t work out that way. Not much else I can do short of moving. Obviously that’s not an option, especially with my depleted resources. Xenogears is an amazing game. I just thought I’d through that out there. It’s rivaling Final Fantasy VII at the moment, though I highly doubt it will pass. Highly. I got a little depressed Monday. I swear, I’m not crazy. Life just isn’t too spectacular at the moment. I saw pictures of Dan dressed up (horribly) for Halloween, and it kind of broke my heart. This is something that I have to deal with, I know. I left his side; he’s going to do things without me over the next couple of years. Probably after that, too. But, it’s like your first holiday away from home. It’s hard to swallow. For once, I’m actually home…but I’ve been at his side for the last three years. This is going to sound horrible, but…Thanksgiving will probably be really trying for me. It became nothing less than tradition of going over to his house, playing some games, hanging out with friends… Now that I’m home, I should be excited to spend the day with my family. Part of me is, don’t get me wrong. But, there’s a big part of me that feels sad. Not only will I not get to see him, but he and Jeannette won’t get to see me. I know it sounds conceited, but Thanksgiving at their place tends to fizzle out quicker than it should. I’m usually one of the last ones to leave, if not the last one. I’m going to miss that, but I know they will too. What happens when everyone tries going home after a couple of hours like last year? They won’t have me as a contingency plan. -_-() I’m sure they will have a good time despite my absence. I’m sure I’ll have a great time without them. But, it doesn’t change that it’ll be hard on me. Wow, that was a tangent! What I was saying was that the pictures broke my heart. I didn’t call him Monday like I normally do partially as a result of this. I had also called him Friday, but he never answered or called me back. I figured he was busy (read: having too much fun partying it up on Halloween), which relates to why the pictures made me a little bummed. He messaged me last night, though. Again, this was unexpected since he rarely messages me. He explained that he was busy (going into detail about what he was going). But, he wanted to let me know that he was thinking of me, and that he would talk to me as soon as he could. He even said that it made him sad that he couldn’t return my call from Friday. *shakes head* I swear, most of my friends have HORRIBLE timing. Dan’s is truly perfect. Not that I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was kind of heartwarming to hear all that. Kinda gives me something to hold on to, you know? post comment

Such a shitty, shitty day [24 Oct 2009|12:32am] [ mood | crushed ] FRIDAY Well, today was a rather unpleasant day. In the words of Dan Conner, “What a beautiful day—the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, “…before turning the gun on himself.”” Yes, it was just one of those days. This morning, I was so anxious about hearing back from the job I had interviewed for that I kept waking up. I’d dream about the email, wake up, check my email, then go back to sleep. At one point, I finally did get an email. “At this point we have selected a small number of candidates for further interviews. Please keep us in mind for future openings.” Now, had the email just said they had chosen someone else for the position, I wouldn’t have been so discouraged. It was the fact that they had a group of applicants that they preferred over me. Even if that group is 2 or 3 people, that’s still shitty. Keep you in mind for future openings? I think not. You obviously have a waiting list of people you’d rather take than me. I’d be lying if I said I am anything less than unhappy about the turnout of this situation. -_-() Oh well. What can you do? I’m used to getting the short end of the stick. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had a job. I’m almost out of money, and I owe like a thousand bucks next month. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do, but something tells me I’m not going to like it… It’s not like I’m even screwing around having fun, either. I’m not drinking, I’m not hanging out with people, I’m not playing video games, and I’m not watching TV. I feel too guilty when I do knowing I’m jobless with debt repayments barreling down on me. Sadly, this wasn’t the last shitty thing to happen. I then get a message from a former student. This guy has the habit of asking for a letter of recommendation but waiting until the last second. You know, when it’s inconvenient for me. Personally, I think he has taken advantage of my good nature, like most people in my life do. Again, he asked me to fill out a recommendation form for him, and again, it’s due in a couple of days. Obviously, since I am in Illinois, I cannot get this form to him within the next couple of days. This means he’ll have to find someone else on less notice to do his crap. Somehow, I foresee him removing me as a Facebook friend now that I’ve outlived my usefulness, but I’m unconcerned. I was just glad that I got to be the inconvenient one for once. Next, my mom calls for me. I guess they had just gotten home, and Shawn’s dog had gotten into crap while they were gone. She ate half a bag of Almond Joys that we got for Halloween, ate one of my mom’s shoes (the one whose twin she ate previously), and chewed up a bunch of other crap. I was asked to pick up the remaining Almond Joys. Great. Thanks. I do that, then go into the kitchen to do some dishes. I then notice I’m standing in a puddle. That’s right, Hershey peed on the floor. Not ONLY the floor, mind you, but on a new box of Cheerios that was on the floor. Of course, I don’t realize it’s pee until I’ve walked through it a few times and smell it as I clean it. “It’s sweet-smelling…not strong…it can’t be pee… …It’s kinda yellowish… Son of a bitch…” So, I finish cleaning it up and go rinse my feet off in the tub. I go back and hang out in my room for awhile. Eventually, Keenan comes in and asks if I’m going to some candle party his dart partner’s daughter is having. Uh…what? Now, my mom told me Monday when they got home from darts in passing that I was invited to some party. She didn’t give any details, such as what the party was for or when it was, but I was more concerned about finishing decorating the sugar cookies to really care. So, I ask him if it’s tonight. Yes. When are you leaving? In a few minutes. …Thanks. At this point, I was really cranky. The aforementioned things aside, I was yet again told about plans at the very last second. My parents ALWAYS do this. They ALWAYS wait until they’re leaving to tell me something is going on. Like, my mom will tell me Christmas day that we’re going over to my grandfather’s house 10 minutes before she wants to leave. What? Why didn’t you tell me this SOONER? You know, so I can shower, comb my hair, look nice, etc.? Ugh… Anyway, I quickly comb my hair and change my shirt and go with them. The candle party turned out to be a Tupperware party-like event. I wasn’t expecting to be solicited for money. The speaker wasn’t even Keenan’s dart partner’s daughter; it was just someone who roped her into having the event. It wasn’t even candles, anyway; their selection was pretty…limited. It was more of a home décor event. Note how I no longer have my own place to have décor in anyway. Motherfucker. So, she starts her pitch. At one point, she started handing out tiny purses. I didn’t take one. One, I’m a guy. Two, I figured there would be a catch. She was even like, “You probably don’t want one, do you…” No, that’s okay. Then my mom started telling me to take a purse. Fine… It is at this time that she explains that the purses hold prizes. Sounds good, right? Like I said, everything has a catch. Although all the purses have prizes such as free candles, half of them have “Win a party with the host.” What this means is that you “commit” (her word) yourself to hosting one of these damned parties, and she’ll pitch her sale to your friends and acquaintances. Greeeeat. With the day I was having, I knew I would get this. My mom got a free candle. I did too…along with the party. So, she came over and asked when was best for me. Uh…huh… I passed the whole ordeal off to my mom. I’m sorry, but it was her fault I got the party, so she’ll have to deal with it. That, and it’s her house anyway. I then ended up buying some merchandise, spending more money than my current savings will allow. Ugh… I’m excited for the items I bought, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like the whole party thing. My mom told her that I know a lot of people, and she knows a lot of people. Uh, aside from Krista, my closest friends are 40-50 minutes away. And, they’re all currently jobless! What an unpleasant day. To top it all off, we had Burger King for dinner. That in itself isn’t bad. But, “coincidentally”, instead of getting a lemonade, they gave me Coke. They got the OTHER drinks right. They also burnt my burger, and put it together half-assedly. All the toppings were on the one side. …Literally. Stacked tomatoes…on the left half… What…the hell? And, extra mayonnaise my ass! I also only got three-quarters of my fries. It was the perfectly shitty end to a perfectly shitty day. Everyone else’s food was fine. And, I didn’t call Dan today. I won’t get a chance to talk to him until at least Monday… Just…great. The one guy who could possibly cheer me up and make me feel NOT worthless and I didn’t even talk to him. My fault, yes, but it certainly doesn’t help matters. Gotta love my life. I’m just such a lucky guy. post comment

Blah [22 Oct 2009|03:23am] [ mood | blah ] WEDNESDAY Today was a trying day. Nothing particularly bad happened, but I was just angry all day. Really, it came in spurts, but I can’t explain why. There was no reason for me to be so angry (read: violently enraged). It’s definitely uncharacteristic of me. I guess I just got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Everyone’s entitled to an off-day every now and then. Now, if it was a regular thing, I’d be concerned. My day consisted of watching TV in the living room, capturing 49 of those Asian beetles (and 1 earwig) in my bedroom, and playing a little Persona. There was the dinner issue where I couldn’t find anything of interest to eat. I didn’t feel like sandwiches, which ruled out most options. I didn’t want anything sweet (like pancakes) or breakfast food (like pancakes), which ruled out my other options. Nothing sounded appetizing, mostly because I was in such a piss-poor mood. And, the absence of craveable food only added fuel to the fire. Eventually, reluctantly, I got food from Costa’s, but only when I heard he and my mom wanted to order food from there. It was such a fiasco, and I feel bad being so picky. I was just trying my best not to go around screaming and being visibly angry. Contrary to what people may think, I do possess great control over my emotional displays. It’s one of the many crafts I’ve fine-tuned over the years. I’m not as angry at the moment. Really, it was brought on whenever I was around people. I was fine when I was in my room. I guess I can’t really make that assumption that I’m fine, huh… Oh well. I just have to hope that tomorrow turns out better. This afternoon, I watched a gay romantic comedy called All Over the Guy. Reading the description of the movie, it sounds really horrible. But, there’s something about it…I just really like it. I’m almost positive I’ve discussed it before, but I don’t really care. It’s about these two gay men who are sent on a blind date by their best friends, who had just started dating, themselves. Obviously, it fits the stereotypical (gay) romantic comedy pattern. Two people meet, they fall for each other. One (or both) refuses to admit it and pushes the other away/runs away. They go back and forth like this for awhile, and eventually, they come to their senses. There’s something about a neurotic gay guy finding love despite his neuroticisms that calls out to me. I know it’s only as real as the next Hollywood movie, but…something about it makes me…hopeful. You know? It’s not that I’m really interested in dating or anything. The other dude was like that, too. He saw how dating/marriage/commitment made those around him miserable and wanted nothing to do with it. I guess I see a lot of myself reflected in the main characters, and it really makes me step back and be a bit introspective. It’s no secret that I have plans to follow Dan in 3 years. I suppose that it’s really been on my mind lately, especially since my interview. I’m not reconsidering my plans to follow him. The guy is a vital part of my life, so staying by him just seems natural. But, at the same time, I wonder if I’m somehow limiting myself. I just…don’t see me having what those guys found in the movie if I follow him. But, do people usually have that storybook picture-perfect romance stories that you see in movies? Probably not. It just feels like I’m giving up one dream to pursue another, you know? I…just don’t think Dan and I can have the relationship we’ve had if there was another guy in the picture. It’s just a bit of a headache, that’s all. I’m usually totally okay with being single and pursuing the life I’ve chosen. Then I’ll go and watch a movie like this and get instilled with blind hope and optimism. I convince myself that there’s someone for everywhere, and that if the character on TV can find someone, I can too. I’m fully aware that Dan serves some sort of partnering need in my mind. Who needs a boyfriend when I have him? I’m really glad that he’s a part of my life, and that we can be so close that I feel this way about him. This is a double-edged sword, though. I don’t have boyfriend privileges. If I’m upset in the middle of the night, I can’t call him and talk to him. I’ll never move in with him, never hold his hand, never snuggle with him on a cold night… There are many things I can’t do with him. Do I really need these things, though, or is Hollywood just telling me I do? And, just because I follow Dan doesn’t mean I can’t ever find someone to do these things with… I don’t know. Like I said, the whole thing has gotten me thinking. post comment

Autumn delight [19 Oct 2009|01:34am] [ mood | sleepy ] SUNDAY So much time has passed, huh. I hate writing about things that are completely behind me. So much is lost, from details to emotions, that it’s almost not worth writing about. However, as this is my own personal account of my life, I feel compelled to at least make an attempt. It’ll only cause problems down the road if there’s an entire missing section of my life. My home life has been…different…these last couple of months. Soon after my last entry, drama hit the fan at home. My family was at odds with me, interpreting everything I said and did as condescending. No…? Eventually, it reached the point where I considered moving out. I worked out my options, but eventually, I decided to stay at home. The situation diffused soon enough. Right now, things are relatively calm. It’s no different than if I was home for winter break. I guess that’s a good thing, but I don’t want to get too comfortable here. I haven’t tackled the house as aggressively as I had imagined I would (read: at all). I at least try to work on the kitchen now and then. It seems to be an uphill battle. Oh well. Things weren’t exactly as bad as I had imagined before moving back, so…yeah… I did manage to get my bedroom organized. It took many hours, but it is finally clean and set up how I want it. Well, it was clean… Eh, I’ll spruce it up eventually. I don’t think my father is currently talking to me. I tried calling him last weekend. He had sent me an unhappy Facebook message the night before, angry that I hadn’t updated him on the situation at home. To be honest, I had forgotten all about it. New drama has the tendency to replace old drama, after all. I felt bad, which is why I called. Jeff answered in his stead, and I told him to tell my father I had called. I never got a call back. I’m sure he told him, assuming my dad wasn’t sitting there when I called to begin with. *shrugs* This month is all about reclaiming myself as a strong individual. New drama, you ask? Well, for starters, I got an email from one of UF’s sociology department secretaries (Donna). It turns out that payroll had given me two extra paychecks. Since I have my checks directly deposited into my bank account, it’s not like I went and stole their money. However, that’s how UF (not Donna) is treating it. They want it back ASAP. Yeah, I’m right on top of that, Rose. Seeing as how I have almost no money in my bank account, I’ll somehow squeeze blood from a turnip. I talked to whoever I was supposed to talk to in order to arrange payments. She was snotty and unappreciative that I was trying to resolve this in a timely and efficient manner. She even, unprovoked, threatened to call a debt collection agency on me. I paid the bitch half of what I owe, and will pay the other half by year’s end. It’s not like I have to worry about joblessness or student loan repayments or anything. So, sad news—Tifa (my hamster) died. She had developed a tumor a quarter of her size on her abdomen. This made it difficult to get around her cage. I did what I could to make sure she could access her food and water. Then, I went to check up on her one morning and she was dead. At first, I was more irked that she was dead. However, it quickly turned to grief. Extreme grief. I cried the whole day, off and on, but almost always hysterically. I wasn’t sure at the time why her death upset me so, but eventually, I accepted that she meant a lot to me. I had her for almost two years, after all. Keenan buried her in the back yard by the house. I’m not ready to have another hamster just yet, but I’ve toyed with the idea of getting fish. That costs money, though, and I’m currently running on low in terms of funds. A few video games have kept me sane these last few months of semi-unproductivity. Final Fantasy: Dissidia came out. It was truly a great game! Essentially, they took the main protagonists and antagonists from each Final Fantasy game and put them into a fighting game. This fighting game, however, had a storyline, leveling-up, treasure chests… It’s more of a fighting RPG than a pure fighting game. For the most part, I used Terra from Final Fantasy VI. Her expertise in magic allowed me to attack the enemies from afar. It was fun for what it was, but after winning the main storyline, it got boring quickly. I then started playing Xenogears since I never won it. Alas, Shin Megami Tensei: Persona came out a few days later. This is the PSP remake of Revelations: Persona for the PlayStation. I really liked the remake. Many issues from the original game, like confusing maps and slow spell-casting times, were resolved in this version. The maps now indicated where you had directly came from, and personas were skipped completely. In some way, this kind of took away from the fun of the game, but it made it go a hell of a lot quicker. They changed the names and references back to the Japanese ones. You see, the American PS version was changed so Americans wouldn't be put off. For the remake, they didn’t care. Chris became Reiji, Mary became Maki, Mark went from black to white…it took some time getting used to. I still couldn’t tell you most of the NPCs names in the remake. Sad. They added the Snow Queen Quest, which was removed in the American PS version. I’ve made it halfway through that, but I’m currently a bit bored with it. They also redid the music. This…makes me unhappy. I’m very big on background music. The other week, I told my mom that Lethal Weapon was playing in the living room from a few notes of a background song. That’s how I work. They kept a few original scores, bastardized a couple more, but then completely changed the rest. The originals’ songs were much better in my opinion. It’s the one sore spot I have with the game. They also removed some sound effects, but that goes along with changing the music. *sigh* These last two months, I’ve gotten the chance to hang out with a couple of my Illinois friends. The few times I’ve hung out with Jeff have consisted of either grabbing something to eat together or going over to his place to play video games. I’ve spent time with Krista shopping in Rockford and preparing dinner at her place. Currently, I’m at odds with Krista. See, I had a job interview this last Friday. I won’t discuss it in any more detail lest I jinx myself out of it. Anyway, she had wanted to hang out Thursday. We had spent quite a bit of time together as of late (once for over 24 hours within a week), so I was feeling a bit overcrowded as it was. But, with the interview the next day, I decided it would be best to stay home, prepare for my interview, and relish a little “me” time. Instead of understanding this, she argued with me, trying to pressure me into changing my plans so we could hang out Thursday. Eventually, when that failed, she asked if we could hang out Friday. Uh…we’ll see. It’ll depend on how I feel after my interview. Thursday came, but instead of giving me space, she relentlessly contacted me. I got three phone calls, two text messages, and an email. Now, she had spun a few 360’s on the road and got a flat tire that day. Understandably, she was upset. There wasn’t much I could do, though, and certainly, she had other people to turn to. The best part was when she texted me right after I went to bed asking if I wanted to take a drive into Rockford for a bit. Seriously? What the fuck? The whole thing pissed me off. Not only did I have to argue to get a “day off” from her, but I didn’t even get it. Friday comes about, and I have my interview. She asks if I want to come over. Well, I was busy and unable to talk. Then came the calls. She called me between 3 and 5 times. I just ignored them, because I was preoccupied. Eventually, I called her back and told her I wanted to stay in. She got upset, saying she had wished I had cancelled the plans sooner. Uh…sorry? It’s not like I had confirmed that I was coming over anyway. I then got a text message telling me how upset she was. This was followed by a phone call. It was at this time that she told me how upset she was, asked why I wouldn’t hang out (how about my long day?!), how I was horrible for never asking to hang out—even though I had hung out with her EVERY SINGLE TIME before this week when I had my interview… I became even more pissed! So, that night, instead of going to bed (I was EX-HAUSTED!), I wrote her a long email. I spelled out how she had been possessive and inconsiderate recently, as well as throughout our friendship, as well as throughout her friendships with others. I was clear, mature, calm, and to-the-point. I did not want to end the friendship, but improve it. So, the next morning, I got an email. She apologized, but then complained how it hurt that I brought up Monica and Ally, and I don’t understand how much it hurt. She went from apologizing to accusing me. Obviously, she didn’t get anything from the email. I sent her a response, pointing this out. I told her she needed to take time to reflect on the email, and that I will give her time and space to do so. I then get a defensive email telling me how she understood what I was saying. Fine. Whatever. I don’t care for her getting defensive, but whatever. Then, I get four text messages. The first three essentially outline how horrible I am. How do I think she feels having read those emails before work? I should’ve sent them when she was done. She didn’t have time to write me a nice long email because she had work. That sort of thing. The third one asked, since she’s already upset anyway, if I think our friendship will endure this. Mind you, I said EXPLICITLY in the email how none of this was an indication that I didn’t want to be friends. Obviously, she was overreacting and needed some time to cool down and be rational. I ignored her texts, and I haven’t heard from her since. Good. Maybe things will improve from here on in. If not, or if she refuses to approach this subject in a manner that’s mature, non-accusational, and rational, then I will have to reevaluate if this friendship is for me. Like I said earlier, this month is about reclaiming myself. Halloween’s coming up. I’m pretty excited. I love autumn weather, even though it’s been colder than normal. Hell, a couple weeks ago, we had snow flurries! Last weekend, we went to the apple orchard. It was pretty great. I got a nice-looking pumpkin, apple cider doughnuts, apple cider, honey sticks, and real maple syrup. We even went on a “hayride”, even though there wasn’t any hay… Today, we put up the decorations. They look pretty nice. I always enjoyed putting up decorations for the holidays. Tomorrow, we’re making sugar cookies. ^_^ post comment

Leaving Gainesville [17 Aug 2009|12:27am] [ mood | gloomy ] This is going to be rather a difficult entry to write. Not only will it probably turn out to be gargantuan, but it discusses emotionally-trying events. I'll try to make it through as best I can regardless. My journey starts on Friday, July 24th. I packed a bit more of my stuff, and then Dan and Jeannette asked if I wanted to go to dinner. Uh, sure. They wanted me to choose the place, but on a good day I'm indecisive. There was no way I was going to choose the location of our last "family dinner" together... They suggested Steamers, which is where we went. It was pretty good. I ordered what was essentially a mashed potato flatbread sandwich, as well as a wrap full of avocado. I hadn't gotten enough the night before when we got avocado eggrolls. :-3 After eating, we went back to their place to watch a bit of "So You Think You Can Dance" that they had taped the night before. It was the 100 episode special, so we wanted to make sure we saw it. Then it was time to pick my mom up at the airport. Once we got there, I had to use the bathroom. Hardcore. This is odd, because I NEVER use the bathroom while we're out. This may have been the first time, to be honest. My mom got off her flight and met Dan and Jeannette while I was in the bathroom. Obviously, she had seen pictures of him, so she knew what he looked like. The three of us had planned on getting dessert at the place where Kenzie held her birthday dinner, so we went there next. My mom ordered dinner, since she hadn't eaten, while the three of us had the ridiculous cheesecake dessert. We then went back to Dan and Jeannette's to watch the rest of "So You Think You Can Dance". It got late pretty quick, so they dropped us off back at my place. I gave my mom a quick tour around my apartment, and we set up the air mattress. Then, it was off to bed. Saturday, July 25. When I woke up, my mom was packing stuff in the kitchen. Before too long, Dan picked me and my mom up to go get the rental truck. There were a number of people in line in front of us, so we had a little wait. This should've been more emotionally-trying for me than it was, but ever since my mom got into town, I was in denial about the whole leaving thing. It cost a pretty penny, but at least I had a moving truck for my stuff this time. We dropped it off at Sun Bay, then went to Dan and Jeannette's apartment to get everything for our trip to St. Augustine. My mom had said she wanted to see the ocean, so this was our only shot. We headed to St. Augustine, stopping at Hardees along the way to get lunch. When we got there, we pretty much did the same thing we did the first time--walk up and down the street checking out stores. We actually stopped at more places than we did when the three of us went the first time. Again, I didn't really get anything. Everyone kept watching out for my health during the whole trek, which was kind of annoying. I know I get heat exhaustion/heat stroke easily, but I'm more than capable of looking out for myself. Whatever. We had to cut our shopping a bit short, though, since it was getting late. We went to the beach next. After changing into our swimwear, the four of us walked into the ocean. Dan, Jeannette, and I went farther than my mom, who was content near the shallower areas. It didn't help that she can't swim. The waves were a little violent that day. I ended up slamming into Dan a few times accidentally. That was pretty embarrassing, actually. Jeannette then got on Dan's shoulders so she could go deeper, and that's where we went. The waves took us out there, too. At one point, the two of them ended up flying at me, knocking me off my feet. On another occasion, a giant wave knocked me down and pinned me against the ocean floor, dragging me along it towards shore. This led to my leg getting cut. Other than that, it was pretty fun. I told Dan on a couple occasions that it was going to storm, but he didn't believe me. He thought I was just being prophetic. Uh, no...? At one point, I heard thunder and actually made him look at the black clouds barreling towards us. It was at this point that he realized that perhaps we should leave the water before being struck by lightning. The coastguards put up a red flag and blew the whistle as we were leaving the water, so it was perfect timing. We washed off and changed back into our street clothes. While we were waiting for Jeannette, I realized I forgot my comb at home. Dan gave me a hairbrush to use, but I was rather daft at using it. Seeing my difficulties, he took the brush from me and brushed my hair. Okay, so the moment was completely gay, but it was really nice. I love it when he pampers me. It's like when he removed the fingernail polish from my nails. He really takes great care of me... Soon enough, we were back on the road to Gainesville. I'm just glad we were able to get pictures of the three of us for this excursion. Not only are there few pictures of us, but we only got one picture of our last trip to St. Augustine. We got some pretty nice ones, too, thanks to my mom. We rushed back to Gainesville, since my going-away party was that night at Kenzie's. We showered and changed. Dan took me and my mom to Kenzie's while he and Jeannette finished getting ready and picked up pizzas for the party. We were late regardless. Like I told Dan, anyone who is a real friend of mine would know that he was taking me, and anyone who knows him knows that he is always late. I have not been on-time with anything thanks to Dan (and Jeannette). After awhile, Dan and Jeannette showed up. We ate and drank; it was a fun time. Then, Jennifer said I had to open my going-away presents that her and Geo had picked out. Uh...great... So, everyone stood around me in a circle watching me, with some of them taking pictures. Dan got the bright idea to videotape me with my camera. -_-() Thanks...jerk. Nah, I appreciated it, just like I appreciated the gifts. I just wasn't expecting them and hate being the center of attention. I opened the first one, and it was a UF picture frame. Not too shabby. :-) Then I opened the second one. Immediately I see the words "Snuggie". ... It's no secret that I hate even the sheer concept of the Snuggie. It's just a fucking robe you wear backwards. Wonderful. Thanks. Well, I was a good sport. Not only was it a Snuggie, but it was the "Wild Side Snuggie" with a leopard print. Great. Thanks. Everyone thought this was ridiculously funny. Yeah... I am touched by the gift, I guess. Anyway, they wanted me to pose with it on. Whatever, I'll play along. And, I did. I posed with a cup, a book, a phone--all showing I was able to use them while wearing a Snuggie. There was a picture of a woman holding a baby, so since Jeannette was the smallest, I had to pretend she was a baby. There's some creepy pictures of THAT, let me tell you. Then there came the pictures. Everyone wanted photos with me (wearing the Snuggie), so one-by-one, my friends jumped on my lap or by my side to get their picture taken as if I was some novelty Santa Claus. It was kind of fun, though, and I'm glad I got all the pictures with people. Dan, Jeannette, and I took a nice group photo with me in the Snuggie, though I hate a lot of those because my ugly yellow teeth are showing. To make matters worse, though, the Snuggie was hot as hell, and I can't handle heat well. I was drenched in sweat. Plus, the Snuggie has all the softness of steel wool, so it wasn't even that pleasant to have touching my skin as it sweat bullets. The rest of the time was spent just chilling and hanging out. I was really moved by how much my friends went out of their way for me. Orli showed me a surprise scarf she was knitting me, Greg made homemade piña coladas, Kenzie made me a "better-than-sex cake", etc...it was just all too much. Near the end of the night, Kenzie busted out her LIFE game that she recently purchased for the night. As it turns out, they have COMPLETELY changed the game of LIFE. It's WAY more complicated now, so we found ourselves stumbling through it. Halfway through, most of the party decided to leave. It was getting late, and people were getting sleepy. Even Dan had passed out on the floor. We said our goodbyes, and then decided to call it a night ourselves. Dan and I headed to the kitchen to pack up the stuff, but we didn't make it. We ended up in the hallway just holding each other, and for quite some time. He is my best friend, and I didn't want to leave him. I don't want to leave anyone else, but I really didn't want to leave him. After awhile, we let go, and finally entered the kitchen. I wanted to hold him again, though, so I came up behind him and embraced him. We held on to each other, again for what seemed like forever. I muttered that our behavior wasn't heteronormative, but he replied, "I don't care." It was a very heartfelt moment. I still didn't believe I was leaving him, but I knew I'd eventually have to. At one point, he kissed me (not on the lips, of course). In fact, he kissed me a number of times that weekend. He had only kissed me once before, on my 24th birthday, on the cheek for a picture. I guess my imminent departure and our recently leveled-up relationship was enough to break that barrier between us. Sunday, July 26. Orli wanted to see me one last time Saturday, so we went to an Israeli restaurant (Sababa) for lunch. Kenzie, Orli, Dan, Jeannette, and one of Orli's friends showed up for this. The place was pretty nice, but quite informal for a restaurant. Orli knew the owner personally, so that made the atmosphere more friendly. Orli treated me to lunch, which was unexpected but certainly nice of her. I had this dish that tasted like chili on top of a hard-boiled egg. It was pretty tasty, actually. Then it was time to leave, which was a little hard, since I didn't know when I'd see Orli or Kenzie next. I took it all in stride, though; I was still in denial, after all. For the large part of Sunday, my mom and I worked on packing the rest of my stuff. In the afternoon, I started sweating quite a bit despite my infrequent moving. It was at this point that I realized that the air conditioning was broken. MOTHERFUCKER. It broke right after I moved to my apartment, so it stands to logic that it'd break right before I left. This made packing even more uncomfortable. To make matters worse, as everyone knows, I'm very susceptible to the heat. My health status declined quickly throughout the day and evening. My mom and I were actually able to get most of it boxed up before Dan and Jeannette came over that evening to help load the truck. They did most of the packing stuff up, although I kept wanting to help. It just kind of worked out that way... I couldn't complain too much since I was feeling pretty iffy throughout the whole ordeal. We took a break at one point to cool off and eat dinner, and then finished getting the rest of the big stuff in the truck. At one point, Dan told me that he has never wanted to be done with packing and moving less, because then it'd mean it was time for me to go. I can't say that I didn't want to be done, but the feeling of not wanting me to leave was more than shared. We eventually decided to call it a night. Dan and Jeannette invited us to stay at their place since it was air conditioned, and they were a little concerned about my health. I couldn't refuse that offer. So, we went over to their place. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't stay at my apartment for my last night in Gainesville, but it was unavoidable. My mom went to bed immediately, but I wanted to stay up with Dan and Jeannette for a bit. I talked with her a little, while he graded some papers. They then got tired and headed up to bed. I couldn't bring myself to go yet. Going to bed meant that I would be at my last day in Gainesville. I just wasn't ready. I started crying, finally realizing again that I was actually leaving. I eventually pulled myself together and went to bed, giving in to the pressures of time. Monday, July 27. My mom and I left their apartment relatively early. Dan was already gone, and Jeannette was in bed. We went back to my place, and started cleaning. Everything was pretty much loaded in the truck, so all that remained was small stuff here and there. After Dan got done dealing with students, we went to Wing Zone for lunch. We ate it at Dan and Jeannette's, while watching TV. Before eating, though, they gave me an unexpected going-away present--a picture frame in the shape of a tree, with "Family" spelled out in the branches. There was a picture of Dan and me, Jeannette and me, and then one of the three of us in the frames attached to the tree. Then, there were wallet-sized pictures of the two of them scattered throughout the branches. It was really touching. I couldn't really verbalize how touched I was. Currently, it sits by my bed, so when I wake up and go to bed, I can see them and know that even though we're apart, I'm loved. We then went back to my place, where the air conditioning was working again. We packed and loaded up all the rest of my stuff, making sure to give all my perishable food to Dan and Jeannette. I returned my key to the Sun Bay office, and then we went over to Dan and Jeannette's for the remainder of my day in Gainesville. My mom took a short nap. When she woke up, the mood became a bit somber. I, myself, was pretty depressed with every passing moment. My mom was in a rather perky mood, which made at least myself feel uncomfortable. Dan took my camcorder and started videotaping Jeannette and him discussing their favorite moments with me. This really broke my heart, and I was on the verge of tears. Then my mom started videotaping us. I was pretty upset and didn't really want to participate, but I feigned my way through it. You could tell when she was taking pictures of the three of us earlier that we were all depressed. She got some good footage of the three of us, though, despite the heartbreak in our eyes. Keenan called my mom, so she stopped taping, and Jeannette went to the bathroom. Dan, who kept falling asleep earlier (and who Jeannette kept tersely waking up) rested his head on my stomach. I put my hands on his shoulder, and we just kind of stayed there. I kissed the top of his head, the only time I kissed him, because I wanted to return all the ones he gave me. My mom secretly caught this on video. Dan eventually sat up and saw her recording and laughed, and then gave me a big hug. We just held each other for awhile. :-3 Then it started getting late. The videotaping had really delayed things, but the three of us weren't ready to be separated yet. My mom wanted to go to Dunkin' Donuts for a frozen coffee before leaving, so Dan and Jeannette offered to take us. Okay! Anything to delay my departure (which was their plan). We then headed back to the moving truck. My mom asked if I wanted her to videotape our goodbye. I told her no, since I was emotionally distraught. Our goodbye...was very very difficult for me. I started crying in seconds. Dan started to get teary-eyed, but Jeannette had Kleenex on her. It didn't really do me any good, but he stopped his tears with them so it wouldn't be harder for me. I think it would've been better to see him cry, but it's okay. Jeannette had cried earlier that day, so she wasn't visibly upset. I guess it hit her before she got home. After a long, emotional goodbye, I was in the truck. The hardest part for me was when we were pulling away. They stood outside their car, waving goodbye. I saw them get smaller in the rear-view mirror. That...was indescribably difficult for me. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. Pulling out of the Sun Bay parking lot, I realized that I still had the key to their place. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye again. I texted Dan telling him this, and he said that he felt the same way. I should hold onto it; I'm welcome there anytime. We drove awhile that night until we decided to stop at a motel and call it a night. I went to check my e-mail and Facebook account at the motel since they had complimentary wireless internet. It was at this point that I discovered that my laptop was broken. The screen was white with a crack on the inside, even though it was on. UGH! GREAT! Not only could I not be online, but my computer's broken! My laptop was luckily under warranty, but still... I don't know how it got broken, exactly, but it was fine when I was using it earlier that afternoon. I'm glad nothing else got broken, but I was still upset. Tuesday, July 28. We got up early and were on our way. I had hoped for a shower or at least another hour of sleep, but no luck. We stopped at McDonald's for breakfast, and then we were back on the road. It rained a few times during our trip, despite Jeannette's prediction that it'd be smooth sailing. There were no real problems aside from this, though. We arrived back in Byron late Tuesday night. I took a peek in my bedroom, realizing that it was not cleared out as I had been told it would be. This pissed me off, since they knew I was returning for almost a year. Certainly at some point in there, they would find time to empty that bedroom. There wasn't even enough room for my bed. I called Dan that night to let them know I was back. It was nice to hear his voice, but at the same time, it kind of made me sad that I wouldn't be able to see him again anytime soon. Wednesday, July 29. Wednesday, I went with Keenan to pick my mom up at work. First, we went to Best Buy to drop my laptop off for repair. The screen was cracked, so they had to send it in for repair. Great. They asked if I wanted them to back up my files. For this, though, I had to provide the file names. Yeah, like I know what they're called. I saved a few folders that I could guess about, which cost me a hundred dollars. *sigh* In the meantime, my brother said I could borrow his laptop until I got mine back. After picking my mom up, we stopped at Wal-Mart to get some tarps for the downstairs so my stuff wouldn't be sitting against the dirty concrete. When we got home, it was time to unload the truck. Shawn did most of the physical labor, but I did my fair share of bringing stuff in. The whole thing was frustrating, because my mom wouldn't listen to any of my suggestions. I was glad when it was over, and that I finally had a bed to sleep on again. Thursday, July 30. I finally got my router hooked up. I didn't have any trouble with it like I did the last time I tried setting it up. I was finally able to use the internet again. Of course, I wasn't up for talking to anyone but Dan, so I was invisible for some time. Dan did occasionally sign on, too. He and Jeannette got new phones, and on his, he downloaded an AIM program. It turns out that it drains his battery when in used, so that's unreasonable for a primary means of communication. He was pretty concerned about using all my allotted text messages and minutes, so I made him "My Friends and Family" instead of my mom. That alleviates the latter issue, at least. But, as I told him, he doesn't have to worry about over-contacting me. Not only do I generally go under my limit, but he has special permission to bug me whenever for whatever reason. I pretty much sulked around for the next week. Not that I'm still not moping around, but that's besides the point. I eventually got online around Wednesday. Monday, I finally convinced myself to leave the house to go to the bar (Keenan had a dart game that night). The match was in downtown Rockford, at a really nice bar. I was definitely surprised when I heard that it had lousy business. Sure, the drinks were a bit pricey, but I think that that's because of their lack of customers. It isn't in the best location, but like I said, the layout and style of the bar were top-notch. I got a bit drunk that night, and even got a chance to talk to Dan online. Not much else happened that week, though. Monday, I felt up to hanging out with Krista. We went to a few stores that she needed to get stuff at, went to The Olive Garden for lunch, and went to the mall to hang out. Jeff had wanted to go to dinner, but we were still at the mall when dinner time came around. We stopped at a few more stores, and then went to The Office (the main gay bar in Rockford), where we spent the rest of the evening (with a quick stop to Taco Bell right after). They've really renovated the bar. It looks really nice. And, the bartender was last douchey than he was during our last encounter. It was a fun time. We exchanged gifts we had for each other--she gave me a cross-stitch she had made me, and I gave her the pirate bandages I had bought for her. Tuesday evening, I went to dinner with Jeff at Sunrise. It was a little awkward, especially at first, but I had a good time. He was kind enough to pay for my dinner. We caught up over our food, and then met Lissa, his girlfriend, at Sam's for dessert. She seems okay, but I didn't really talk with her enough to really make any conclusions. It turns out that she's within walking distance of me, though. Who knew? Jeff treated me to dessert, too. It...was weird. I had essentially a grape slushie blended with vanilla ice cream. It wasn't BAD. It was just...a little odd. Maybe next time I'll try it with orange. That sounds promising, right? Thursday, Dan and Jeannette left for his class reunion in Iowa. Friday, they gave me a call on speaker, and we talked while they drove from Jeannette's parents' to Dan's mom's place. It was nice, the three of us talking, just like old times. Heh..."old times"...it's been a few weeks... Don't get me wrong, I've spoken to Dan probably as much as I normally do during any given week. I guess the inability to see him makes it...rougher...for me. Our friendship isn't internet-based, so it feels as though I need to talk to him more to make up for not seeing him. Yes, I know I'm neurotic. I really miss them. And everyone in Gainesville. I was unable to watch Jennifer graduate because our internet broke. That...really upset me. I'll have to buy her a nice graduation present. Anyway, it's kind of tough being "close" to Dan but being unable to see him. And Jeannette. They leave Iowa on Thursday... post comment

One last entry [24 Jul 2009|02:51pm] [ mood | sad ] FRIDAY I just wanted to write one last entry here in Gainesville. Who knows--maybe I'll find time to write another one, but since I want to take a break for 10 more minutes, I figure I'll go ahead and post something now. Wednesday night, as I said, I went over to Dan and Jeannette's. We watched "So You Think You Can Dance" while eating the dinner that Dan made us. We just kind of hung out, until the show was over and they took me home. While Jeannette was upstairs, I told him that it was our last time to watch the show together. This kind of broke his heart, but he started that game this spring by pointing out our last class together and the last break we had during it. Last night, we went to Jeannette's class. It was great, being there with Dan for 3 hours, just talking while we doodled on newspapers. It made me sad, though, since it would be the last time we'd really get to hang out together one-on-one. The three of us went to some place called BJ's for dinner. It was a blast. I especially loved the strawberry piña colada I ordered. I hate thinking in terms of "lasts". The last time I get to hang out with Dan one-on-one. The last time the three of us go to dinner by ourselves. The last time I get to go over to their place and watch TV. *sigh* post comment

T-2/5 [22 Jul 2009|05:40pm] [ mood | contemplative ] WEDNESDAY So much to do, so little time to do them. Friday afternoon, Jennifer picked me up to begin our slumber party. We went to Michael's to get stuff for tie-dyeing--our activity for the evening. Jennifer also wanted to make jewelry, but I was able to dissuade her. She's never done tie-dye before, so she didn't really understand the amount of energy and time it takes. After Michael's, we went to Wal-Mart to get some shirts to dye and some markers. I guess there is a makeshift way of tie-dyeing where you draw on a shirt with permanent marker and spray it with rubbing alcohol. In the least, we decided to try it. Next was Publix, where we picked up stuff for supper. Jennifer wanted to make this mango and beef dish (which was delicious), topped off with a store-bought mango key lime pie for dessert. We drove through Checkers for a snack, and then it was back to my apartment. We had supper immediately, and then began watching Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete. Jennifer was taken aback by how crisp the images were, as well as how realistic they looked. That's how I felt the first time I watched it. Awesomeness. We forgot to soak the shirts in soda ash to make them more absorbent to the dye during the movie, so we had to do it afterwards. Luckily, there we had put shirts aside to draw on with marker. I made this pretty flower, deciding not to ruin it with alcohol. Jennifer made...well, a mess. It wasn't fugly, but it wasn't the greatest thing, either. She decided to give up, but I did a rainbow circle on my sleeve to convince her to try again. It turned out okay, so she tried another pattern on a different shirt. This time, it turned out pretty decently. We then shifted our focus to actual tie-dyeing. *sigh* What a trial. It was fun, don't get me wrong. Jennifer and I did a shirt for each other. Surprisingly, Jennifer did really well for it being the first time. Since I was experienced with the process, I was able to provide advice to her and do my shirts well enough. No giant areas of white for us! We started soaking them a little after 10PM, and we didn't finish until 3:30 or so. Man, we were exhausted. The next morning, Jennifer rinsed them all out by hand. It's not that I couldn't. She just agreed to do all the grunt work if I agreed to do this project. It wasn't that bad, really, but it certainly isn't the highlight of the process. After a quick run through the washing machines, we were finally able to see how they all turned out. We couldn't be happier. It was a fun night. We went to a Vietnamese place for lunch. We were originally going to go to a neighboring Indian restaurant, but it was closed when we got there. The Vietnamese restaurant was really good, but it was a little awkward. We were the only customers there, so the people running it had nothing better to do than to watch us. I was eating the dish improperly, I guess, so the waiter came over and instructed me how to eat it. ...Uh...okay... It involved eating it with my hands and getting messy, but whatev. I had a blast with our slumber party. We seem to have them annually, so it was nice to get a last one in before we both leave Gainesville. Jennifer had originally wanted to go out Saturday night in celebration of the completion of her Master's degree, but she canceled so she could get stuff done at home. Dan and Jeannette invited me to their place instead. We hung out for awhile, with Dan and I drinking wine mixed with Crystal Light. We decided to look at their collection of games to find something to play. Dan was the first in the guest bedroom, followed by Jeannette. As I was walking in, I heard a loud crash. I guess Dan was lying on the beanbag, and he rolled forward to see the games. The bag caught on the X-Box's cords, which pulled the machine down onto Dan's head. This caused the 15" or so TV...to fall on his head. I didn't see any of this. I saw Dan lying on the beanbag, grasping his head in pain, with Jeannette hovering over him. I figured out what happened when I saw the TV lying on the ground. Jeannette and I were really concerned. He regained his composure, and acted as if nothing had happened. Jeannette and I just stared at him in upset silence. It didn't really hit me until after I got home, but I need Dan is very important to me. If something ever happened to him...it would devastate me. I told him he can never scare Jeannette or me like that again. We ended up playing a game of Yahtzee and Mario Party, both which I came in third. Bastards. Sunday was relatively uneventful. I called Dan to make sure he was okay (he was). I did some packing, too. Man, cockroaches have been turning up in the weirdest places. They all died two years ago when the complex changed pest control people, but it's kind of weird. And funny. Like, I found one under my DVD player. Of course, I've never had a reason to move it, so any dead bugs under it would have stayed there this whole time. Monday, Dan came over to my apartment to go through my sociology books in the event there were any he could use. He actually took a small pile. This made me happy. Sure, it's less for me to take home, but it's also nice to know that 1) I have a decent line-up of books and 2) I can help my best friend. We hung out for a little while, just talking, and then he went home to take a nap. That night, I went over to their place for dinner. We played a game of the "Would You Rather" game that I got for Christmas...that I forgot about until I found it in my bedroom Sunday night. It was a great game. Though, the "dare" parts of it were kind of...unique. At one point I had to wear a bra. Then, Jeannette had to roll some freshly-chewed Saltines (by yours truly) in her hands. And...Dan had to give me a lap dance. I was worried I would become aroused. I did slightly, but not enough to be a problem. It's not like he grinded my junk with his ass. Though, he did rub his ass on my legs and shake it and his crotch in my face. I tried not to look, but that didn't last too long. The whole thing lasted 30 seconds. Jeannette was totally into it. She found a good song for him to dance to, and watched and laughed as he gyrated for me. Dan was hesitant to do it because he thought it would make me uncomfortable. Hell no, give me a lap dance. I didn't make it back until midnight. This is nice, but I need to pack at some point... :-\ Yesterday, I finally heard back from Dr. Broad about being a reference for my job hunt, so I went to campus to scan my NIU transcript. While there, I stopped at the office to say goodbye to Nadine, Donna, and Connie. It...was pretty heartbreaking. I found myself unable to leave easily. I was there for like an hour and a half, which--again--cut into my packing time. After my visit, I went to Wachovia to get some quarters (laundry) and the bookstore to get a few mementos. I bought a t-shirt, a hat, and a shot glass. This may be the last time I go to campus, unless I go while my mom's here. This...was really depressing. Last night, I went with Dan and Jeannette to her class. While she was in class, Dan and I went to Lowe's and Wal-Mart to pick up stuff for the move. I now have a hand truck, packing tape, and sturdy boxes. After she got out of class, we ate dinner at their place. Then, it was back home. Dan was so tired. He has really been burning the candle at both ends, between work, his "little brother" last week, me, etc... They had to walk their dog, so I volunteered to have them bring me the boxes and such today. This has had its consequences, though, since I need that stuff to pack my breakables. Aside from my electronics and papers, that's all that's really left...(which is a lot). Hrm... I'm going to their place for dinner tonight. I can't wait. I should probably get ready for that, in fact... post comment

T-8/11 [16 Jul 2009|10:33pm] [ mood | contemplative ] THURSDAY Tuesday night, Kenzie and I went to Farrah’s for a one-on-one dinner. Since we hadn’t seen each other since her July 4th party, or hung out individually for awhile, we decided to set up the dinner. Farrah’s is a Middle Eastern/American restaurant. It was pretty good. I got a gyro, which is one food I can rarely turn down. It was pretty good. I also had a root beer float martini. As Kenzie put it, it was like “a root beer float with a kick.” We had a pretty relaxed evening, just chatting away over some good food. The restaurant was really slow (we were the only customers when we arrived), so we had the entire room to ourselves. I had an amazing time. Wednesday, Dan and I set up lunch with Jeannette and his “little brother” Jake. I waited outside his classroom for him, but when he walked out, he didn’t even notice me. He just left the building, so I had to run after him. I followed behind him quietly while he talked with a couple of his students. He didn’t notice me until we got to Turlington. I won’t lie—that made me feel a bit disheartened. It’s not like I didn’t feel that way already… We met up with Jeannette and Jake, and the four of us walked to…uh…some Saigon restaurant. I got coconut juice out of curiosity, and they brought me a cut coconut with a straw in it. Bizarre. I took a sip, and it tasted like a rotting pumpkin. However, since I have consumed fouler concoctions (most of them alcoholic), I decided to rough it out. It actually went well with the spicy squid I ordered. I can’t explain it. The spiciness nullified the weird taste of the juice. That night, I went over to Dan and Jeannette’s to play Nintendo Monopoly. I came in second, but it’s only because I got lucky. Jake bought Metroid from me when I was bankrupt, and then I landed on a very full “treasure chest” in the following turn. Jeannette was the first out. We were discussing continuing the game until its completion or calling it quits when Gandalf caused problems. I felt bad, but there wasn’t much I could do. Some soda got spilled on my game, but I was more concerned with the bleeding people. The highlight of the evening, though, was watching Jeannette fold Dan’s underwear. (Not really, but it was more hypnotizing than it should’ve been). When Dan dropped me off, I gave him the cross-stitch that I had made him. I was worried that he wouldn’t like it, but he seemed to love it. I think it took him off-guard. I may not be able to read him as well as he can read me, but I could clearly see in his eyes that it touched him. We…we are going to remain friends for a very long time. This morning was really weird. I woke up like I normally do periodically when I sleep. I opened my eyes, and I could only see through the right one. What…the hell? It’s not like I saw darkness in the left one like when your eyes are closed. There was just…NOTHING. It was kind of scary. Since I was recently awakened, I was still a bit dazed and confused. Eventually, my sight started coming back. Everything turned dark blue, which then eventually faded to my normal vision. I went to the bathroom and looked at my eye in the mirror. It was a little red, and it felt sore (to the touch). I can’t really explain this. My hypothesis is that I was lying on my hand, which put pressure on my eye. This pressure screwed things up until everything fell back into place. Neither Amy nor my mom have any idea what caused this, either. Amy said that such a problem may indicate imminent strokes in older individuals, but since I’m 26, this isn’t that viable of an explanation. I’m not surprised something like this would happen to me. But, since it’s an isolated incident that turned out for the best, I’m not too awfully concerned. I have a lot of work to do on my apartment. Like, all of it. Jennifer’s coming over tomorrow for a little slumber party. Dan said that we’ll have dinner together tomorrow night, but I had to tell him this afternoon that I already had plans. We both just kind of forgot this. :-\ That’s okay, I’m pretty excited to hang out with Jennifer. I haven’t seen her since…since Kenzie’s birthday party in June. Even that was in a large group setting, though. My goal is to not talk about Dan…too much. She says she doesn’t mind, but I do. I obsess about him too much. I guess you can say the idea of walking away from my life is becoming increasingly real with every passing day. I think it really started to kick in sometime in June. I realized I was leaving my friends, my family, my lifestyle…everything…behind. It is no surprise that I usually stay up until sometime between 3 and 5 in the morning, thinking about me leaving, often crying. I feel sad for the Florida friends that are leaving themselves. There are few people in life closer to me than Jennifer. She was my first great friend here in Gainesville. But, she’s moving to Indiana with Nick after this month, followed by Africa with the Peace Corps in the spring. She’s moving on to bigger and better things. I’m not abandoning her, and vice versa. We are just parting ways. But…like I’ve said in previous posts, I feel like I’m abandoning Dan. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving, but I do. I feel like I’m abandoning the dreams I had for us, the time we have together, our future… No one’s screwing up my relationship with Jennifer, but I feel like I’m doing a number on my relationship with Dan. Now that I know he feels about me in a similar way that I feel about him, it makes it all the more difficult. I could only imagine what it’d be like if he was to leave me. I know it’d be a bit more devastating than when I left him, but it’d still hurt. I’m hurting Jeannette, because I’m her closest friend in the department. I’m hurting Dan, well, for the same reason. I hate hurting my friends… I guess it’s unavoidable. But…I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Dan and Jeannette want to return to the Midwest after they finish school. Would…would it be wrong to follow them at this time? If I don’t have a dream job by then (or as Dan added, a permanent relationship *shudder*), I can’t see the harm in it. I love my mother. I want to be near her. But, that house is just…impractical to live in for the rest of my life. I’m 26 years old. I can’t live at home forever. I’d like to live near her, don’t get me wrong. But, there’s just so much wrong with the house. Aside from the fact that it’s only half finished, there’s no cable or DSL lines to it, cell phone signals are weak, and the quality of the house is questionable, it’s been ruined by my family’s lack of maintenance. Hell, it’s been ruined by intentional destruction by my family. It’s one of those times where you should cut your losses and not look back. Perhaps in 3 years, my mom will move as well. But, in the meantime, I just have to hope that Dan and Jeannette live close enough to her that it won’t be an issue. I feel crazy wanting to follow him, maybe even spending the rest of my life near him. Is that so wrong, though? We’re best friends. I know that’s different that lovers, but since I’m not even interested in finding a lover, it’s the most I really want in life. Megck…who knows how Dan and I will be in three years. Of course passions are running high at the moment. My mom comes in a week from tomorrow. :-\ My emotions are becoming increasingly difficult to contain with each passing day. I’ll live. I just wish I had someone I could be completely honest with and discuss them with…aside from Dan. post comment

Caught up [13 Jul 2009|03:38pm] [ mood | gloomy ] Dan asked if I wanted to hang out with him Thursday, July 2nd. Jeannette has class Tuesday and Thursday nights. I guess she is uncomfortable with the idea of walking to her car alone in the dark after class, so Dan drives her to class and hangs out there until she’s done. He invited me to keep him company, and the two of us just kind of hung out and talked for a couple of hours. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had only had limited opportunities to see him one-on-one, so it was definitely a pleasure. After she got out of class, Dan wanted to rent and watch Clerks 2. He has said in the past that this is our movie. He said that I was Randall, and he was Dante. Uh…okay… We had watched Clerks together before that night, but I didn’t really see much resemblance between us. Randall was kind of like me, but so was Dante. He said the distinction was clearer in the sequel, and it was. Randall was even talking about large clitorises, which is what I had discussed with Dan and Jeannette a day or two before. Eerie. I was definitely Randall. I don’t know if Dan is Dante, but our friendship is a lot like theirs. …At one point in the movie, Dante exclaims how he is glad that he’s moving, because he can forget about Randall. (They were fighting in jail.) This broke Randall’s heart. Randal told him that Dante was his best friend, that he loves him (in a heterosexual way), that Dante was the yin to his yang, that he didn’t want him to leave, etc. This…was us. This was how I really felt about Dan… And, Dan knew it. Stupid me, though. After the movie, I told him that Randall and Dante really were us, only he’s not my best friend, and I don’t love him, especially in a heterosexual way. He was like, “Oh…”. I…felt pretty bad. This wasn’t how I felt at all. Why do I do this? Why do I say the opposite of how I really feel? When he and Jeannette dropped me off, I said, “Goodbye, Jeannette. Goodbye best friend I love platonically.” But, I said it in a very joking tone. Fuck, I’m such an idiot. This ate at me for days. I promised Dan I’d try to be more honest with him and not use humor to hide my real feelings, and here I failed that promise. Ugh… Kenzie had a 4th of July party, so Dan picked me up while Jeannette finished getting ready. In the car…I told him that I was serious about what I had said Thursday, even though I said it in a joking tone. He really is my best friend, and I do love him. He told me that he felt bad, because he was taken off-guard. What he should’ve said was “I love you, too.” I was taken aback by this a bit. He’s not one to express emotions like that. …And, I didn’t really know that he loved me… I always hoped, but I never knew. Kenzie’s party was fun. Jeannette offered to paint my fingernails, so I took her up on this offer. I liked how glittery they were, but I wasn’t a fan of the red. I don’t like wearing bright colors. I made Watergate salad and million dollar pie for the event. I had my video camera, taking a couple of videos here and there. Kenzie borrowed my digital camera and took pictures. After eating, Dan and Jeannette needed to go walk their dog. Surprisingly, Dan invited me to tag along. This was a first. I felt bad ditching the party to hang out with Dan and Jeannette. In fact, I do this a lot. I always put my feelings for Dan blind the feelings for my other friends. It’s certainly not personal, and I don’t do it intentionally. It just…happens. I went with, though. We walked the dog, and then just kind of hung out for a little while before going back to the party. When we returned, a group of people decided to leave. Sad… I brought Apples to Apples with me, so we played a game of that. I didn’t get one fucking card. Of the group of 13 or whatever, I was the only one who hadn’t won a single round. Psht…what a jip. Then came the fireworks. I videotaped this with my camera, but Greg kept walking in the way of all my shots. He wasn’t doing it intentionally, but I got tired of rushing back and forth trying to get his ass out of my way. Eventually, I had to stand far off to the side to ensure that I could get a decent shot. Altogether, I had a great time at the party (and with Dan and Jeannette when we walked the dog). The following Monday, I surprised Dan by sitting in on his minorities class. I think he’s a pretty good teacher. It’s definitely the right profession for him. We went and picked up our teaching evaluations afterwards. Mine…sucked. 3.55 out of 5. Dan was much much closer to 5. Ugh… I won’t lie—I did check out a bit before the end of the semester. I was also busy with my Master’s project, which interfered with stuff. Did I deserve a 3.55? Probably. One student gave me almost all 1’s, saying that I enjoyed failing students. S/he claimed that I said they didn’t have to come to class on Tuesdays, and then I held quizzes on Tuesdays. Uh, are you fucking STUPID? I had student presentations on Thursdays; those were mandatory. Tuesdays were the lectures. I wasn’t going to take attendance for those. I told the class that if they didn’t want to come to lecture, that was their choice. They’re also paying for the class. If you want to skip, that’s your own damned fault. I even say in the syllabus that skipping class screws over your quiz grades. I don’t want to teach. This solidifies it. I’m not the most charismatic person, which is what you need to be to teach. But, the students are all whiny and annoying. That’s what I get for teaching a morning class. I got all the fuckups who weren’t smart enough to sign up for a section at a decent time. And then, last semester, they bitched because they had to write 4 papers? Jesus, I had to do that in my undergrad social problems class! I think it’s UF. UF is big on research, so their professors don’t teach the classes. And, when they do, they don’t really assign many papers. After all, they’d have to grade them then. What a load of shit. Do your job. It doesn’t help that classroom size is 60 instead of 20-30. The whole thing just bothers me. So of course students can’t handle 3 2-3 page papers and a 4-5 page paper in a class in a semester. They might actually have to do work then. None of their other teachers make them do work. Ugh…the whole thing is shit. I just need to get out of academia. *ahem* ANYWAY…I hung out at Dan and Jeannette’s for awhile, and tagged along for a quick grocery store visit. Then it was back home for me. Dan invited me to hang out with him while he waited outside Jeannette’s class on Tuesday. This…this was a very important day in the course of our friendship. I won’t go into specifics—not even here—but I can safely say he feels roughly the same about me as I do about him. I…I am still trying to process it all. It’s not every day you encounter something like this. We went to Wendy’s. I didn’t get any food, since I was still full from lunch. I did get a root beer float, though. :-3 I haven’t seen or really talked to Dan since then. It’s been driving me nuts, since it’s almost been a week and I told him not to wait that long. I leave two weeks from today. *sigh* post comment

I know, I know [13 Jul 2009|12:13am] [ mood | accomplished ] MONDAY I know it's been forever since I've written in this thing. Over a month, I believe. It's just...a lot has happened. You'd think this would make me want to document events and feelings more, but alas, my world doesn't work like that. I'll just piece together what I can from old Facebook statuses with my memory to account for what happened. I'll just focus on June for this entry to keep things organized. So, Saturday, June 6th--the day after my last post. I was sitting around my apartment bored, so Kenzie decided to come over and drink with me. I liked this idea, since it had been forever since I was actually drunk. Soon thereafter, Geo joined us. We had a couple of drinks when Kevin, a criminology grad student that Kenzie's grown fond of, suggested we go out. Okay, why not. Whether I drink at home or at a bar does not matter. We picked up Kevin and his friend John and went to a bar. I hadn't eaten anything, so I got drunk very easily. Luckily, the bard had food. I was able to get something to eat to sober me up a little. After some more drinking, we decided to go back to my place to play some Apples to Apples. On the way back to my place, John started a conversation about the homeless in Gainesville. He suggested that the city should make homelessness illegal and drive them out of town. That...is just ridiculously stupid. This would not be the end of his assholism, though. On the way to my apartment, he also pointed out that the Sun Island Properties (which includes my apartment complex) is crappy. Just because he lives in a different Sun Island complex doesn't mean that mine's crappy. Anyway, we come inside, and what does he say? "What's with the ceramic cat?!" He was very accusatory in his question. Uh...my grandmother made it for me when I was a kid. "What's with the All Man poster?!" Uh...it's from a TV show, Queer as Folk? Then he sees my RENT poster and comments how he hasn't been able to watch Law and Order the same way after seeing it (because one of the leads play a gay guy in RENT, I assume). Whatever, I just brush his comments off. We then start playing Apples to Apples. We're barely into the game when he says that it's not fun and kind of stupid. Great. Thanks. He also mentions how my walls are really thin, unlike his walls. Uh...thanks? "What's with the ceramic bear?!" My mom made it for me when I was a kid? I just ignored him. Just like I ignored him when he spilled beer on my coffee table runner. Did he clean it up? No. Did he apologize? No. But then, it really got bad. He looked at my bookshelf and started laughing. "You have a book called Black Sexual Politics?" Yes, it's by Patricia Hill Collins. It's famous. “You have a book called Race Men?” Yes, that’s what I study—race, gender, and sexuality. I got the book for my Black Gender class. “What’s so special about black gender?” Well, gender varies by race, class, sexuality, etc. He then started LECTURING me about how he doesn’t believe that. Gender is static through time and between cultures, and anyone who is different is just trying to draw attention to themselves. Uh…that’s nice that you believe this, but I’m more knowledgeable on the subject than you since I’ve actually studied it. THEN, he starts going on about how it’s no different than people with fibromyalgia. He said it’s just a bunch of lonely middle-aged white women looking for attention, and that the medical profession does not recognize it as a real condition. Uh…yes they do? I told him that my mom was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. “Was she just looking for attention?” No! “Are you sure?” YES! He then continued going on and on about it. I was soooooo angry. I have never been so offended in my life. Kenzie left the room because she was so upset about how confrontational John was being. Geo tried coming to my aid, but John just ignored anything he said and kept pushing his own opinions as if they were facts. I was so pissed that I sat in the corner for the rest of the night without saying a word. The fucker stayed for like an hour after all that shit, and everyone was just uncomfortable. I have been through a lot of shit in my life, but I have NEVER been so offended. Who does that? Who goes over to someone else’s apartment and puts down everything about them?! The décor, their apartment, their area of study, their mother, etc? He also said that anyone could get a Master’s degree, especially here at UF. What…an asshole! Seriously, I had nightmares and trouble sleeping because of him. Kenzie assured me that I’d never see him again because of her. That’s good, because if I ever see him again, it’s on. Luckily, I had a lot of wonderful friends come out of the woodworks to show their support. Dan and Jeannette finally got back from their honeymoon. I was elated, because I was dying without hearing from Dan for weeks. On the 10th, the three of us went to lunch at Adam’s Rib Co. It was nice. We all caught up. Seriously, I missed them (though, to be honest, I missed Dan a little more for obvious reasons). My family had come home. They took me to the grocery store after lunch so I could get stuff for the potluck I had planned for Thursday. I also got much-needed water. We couldn’t find any tablecloths at Winn-Dixie, so after a short interlude, the three of us went to a party store to get some supplies. We had a fun time, but afterwards, it was back to my apartment to do some serious cleaning. That’s what I did for the next few days. Hell, I even cleaned under my table—something that hadn’t been done since I moved to Sun Bay. I found cleaning supplies down there I haven’t used in two years. I don’t know if that’s more sad or funny. The best part of the day was that Dan and Jeannette took me to the grocery store twice. I thought that I had gotten everything I needed. I had promised Orli cheesecake for a birthday gift, and what do I forget? Cream cheese. Way to go. I felt like such an idiot. Thursday (June 11th) was the potluck itself. I was worried that there wouldn’t be enough room, but with folding chairs that Dan and Jeannette brought over, we made it work somehow. Attendees: Nick, Jennifer, Louisa, Dan, Jeannette, Orli, Orli’s friend, Kevin, Kenzie, Ivan, Geo, Billy, and Greg. I busted out my playing cards with the naked men on them so some of the guests could play. The food was spectacular. I made cheesecake, spaghetti salad (which didn’t get dented), and pulled pork sandwiches. The pulled pork, which I made the night before, was fucking annoying as hell. I ended up getting grease everywhere, and my fingers ended up sore from touching the pork while it was hot. Never…again… Everyone ate and drank, and eventually, the majority decided to put on the basketball game. Dan and I went and talked in the kitchen (we weren’t interested in the game). This was kind of surprising. The two of us generally avoid each other completely during social events, but here we were together. I guess either the time apart or my countdown to moving contributed to this. Dan and Jeannette were the last to leave. There was a weird moment during the party. Dan got dust and dirt all over my floor, and I pretended to scold him for it; after all, my apartment was recently cleaned. He said I won’t stay mad at him, because I love him. And, to be in love means to forgive someone else for his faults. It was definitely an interesting choice of words. I’m sure Dan meant nothing by “in love”, but how do I really feel about him? I know I obsess about him way too much, but why is he so special? When did I become such a love-struck opera floozy? This led me to a quest—I wanted to discover how I ended up where I am in life. Sort of an introspective journey. Starting from January 2002, I started reading my journals—both online and spiral-bound. This is all I did for days. I learned some rather interesting things about myself. Namely, I used to be a self-proclaimed dreamer and hopeless romantic. I used to want a husband, kids, a house with a picket fence—the whole nine yards. I used to be optimistic. Of course, this was after high school. In high school, I was relatively bitter because the world tended to hate me. I had totally forgotten that I became a dreamer/romantic, though. I asked my friends if I was either of these, and they all resounded an emphatic “NO!” What happened? I watched as I slowly spiraled back into the darkness. One by one, my friends abandoned me. They used me. They hurt me. They had pulled me out of the darkness that was living at home high school and before. Unlike Monica who abhors Byron and living with her parents, I actually had reason behind it. I was physically and emotionally abused. NIU became my sanctuary, and my friends became my new family. But, they all turned their backs to me over time. Sure, I would get new friends, but they’d end up leaving me as well. This…made me hate the world again. I became pessimistic. I lost my dreams. I lost my heart. But…I don’t know if my newfound pragmatism is better or worse than being a love-struck opera floozy. Through all this, I got my answers about Dan. My friends love me and enjoy my company. But, they also tend to need me. That’s why I end up breaking down from time to time, because I often get drained by people relying on me beyond reasonable limits. But Dan…Dan is different somehow. He doesn’t make me feel needed; he makes me feel wanted. I hate to admit it, because it sleights my other friends, but he actually makes me FEEL loved. I don’t just know he loves me. I feel it. And, it’s nice. You know? Maybe it’s just in my head. I don’t know… Dan, Jeannette, and I spent a lot of time hanging out intermittently in June. It usually took the form of watching “So You Think You Can Dance” at their apartment while eating dinner. There was a night of drinking sangria and playing Mario Party in there, too. We also went to see The Hangover. I was reluctant to see it at first, because I am not a fan of that genre of movie. Adam assured me that it was funny, saying I should go. Okay. He was right; it was hilarious. I’m really glad I went. The best part was the end when they showed photos of their adventure. Dan rarely laughs that hard. Afterwards, we went to a late dinner. That was a great night. Dan asked me sporadically which place I would prefer to go—St. Augustine or Orlando. Uh…I don’t know? I guess he and Jeannette wanted to take me to one (though I wanted both) before I left. That’s…pretty nice of them. It should come as no surprise that they comprise two of my closest friends in Gainesville. On Friday, June 19th, the three of us went to St. Augustine. They asked what I wanted to do, but I told them I would follow along with whatever they did. We started out by having lunch at a pizza joint. It was good, but very hot. I had some chicken/spinach/artichoke/tomato sub. Afterwards, we cruised some of the stores. Then, there was the wine tasting. There was a wine store where they had different flavors of exotic wines. Blueberry, mango, key lime, chocolate, etc…there was a lot to choose from. I guess the company that owns the place bottles its own wine, making a huge batch of a specific flavor. Then, once that flavor is sold out, it’s gone forever. They’ve already begun making another flavor. This has its benefits and consequences, though. While it assures a continual new supply to keep things exciting, it also may lead to heartbreak if someone falls in love with a specific wine. I was amused by the “nipple sippers” they had for sale. These breast-shaped cups had holes in the nipple for you to sip the wine through. I was tempted to buy one, but something tells me that it would look bad on my gay résumé. It’s bad enough I dated Tracy for a year and a half… After the wine-tasting, we went to the beach. Jeannette was unable to find a swimsuit, so she lay on the beach reading a book. Dan and I, however, braved the ocean. This was probably my favorite part of the trip. Dan and I fought off waves while we just stood out there and talked. I hadn’t really spent any time with him alone since graduation, so it was nice to just be alone with him in the water. Hrm… Eventually, the tide started to come up so Jeannette had to do some quick shuffling to keep our stuff dry. That’s when we decided to leave. The next stop on our trip was Jeannette’s suggestion—mini putting. I haven’t done this since 2001, so I was pretty excited! We started the game after some quick slushies (or ice cream, in Jeannette’s case). Yeah, I sucked. Bad. Most of my scores were between 4 and 6, with the latter being the maximum limit for each hole. Jeannette was pretty amazing. She kicked our butts, but eventually Dan caught up to her and surpassed her…barely. It was enjoyable, but I started to get heat exhaustion during the game. I didn’t really speak up, because I didn’t want to spoil the fun. Heat exhaustion turned to heat stroke. We headed to dinner at Hardees, but I wasn’t up for eating. I had stopped sweating in the car, so my first goal was to rehydrate. I drank a liter of water, and started sweating profusely again. It was pretty bad. I started getting giggly and delusional. This was certainly a serious matter. I felt sick to my stomach, too. I could barely eat a sandwich; I had to give my fries to Dan. We had planned on going to a luau my complex was hosting, but alas, we didn’t make it back early in time. I was disappointed, but oh well. I didn’t feel well anyway. The night before, Jennifer informed me that there was going to be a going-away party for Nick and Kristi Friday night. Okay… Well, when I got home from St. Augustine, I went into emergency cool-down mode. Heat stroke is when your body 1) becomes dehydrated and 2) has an internal body temperature well above what it should be. So, I took a cool, wet washcloth and ran it across my face and neck while slowly drinking cold water. I felt much better by the time we headed to the Market Street Pub. I wanted to get drunk, since I still hadn’t had a good drunken experience in awhile. I started drinking Long Islands. At one point, I had a peach Long Island in there, but otherwise, I just stuck to the plain ones. I tried sitting in the corner the whole night like I normally do, but eventually, Dan came up and sat by me. The two of us just talked and talked, even after everyone went to the dance floor. You know…he is a really great friend. I really enjoyed that. It was like we were in our own little world. Eventually, Jeannette came up and wanted Dan to keep her company on the dance floor. He asked if I was coming too, and I said sure. We hung out in the corner, while I continued drinking. We weren’t there for five minutes when Dan asked if I wanted to go back to where we were and sit. Sure. So, back we went, and continued talking. Eventually, we were interrupted by Ivan. Greg interrupted us at the potluck. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get annoyed when Dan and I are having a private moment and others decide to join in. I know it’s not unreasonable on their parts, but I’m pretty selfish when I come to him. Ivan told us that there was going to be an after-party at his place, and we said we were down. At the end of the night, though, everyone suddenly was like, “Let’s go!” This was a minute after I got another drink. I was cranky because of this, so I ended up chugging my drink. For anyone who’s unfamiliar with Long Islands, they’re pretty much a mixture of strong alcohols. They’re really weird like this, because they taste amazing… As soon as we left the bar, it hit me—sudden extreme nausea. I have NEVER felt closer to puking without actually puking. I didn’t want to just puke in the street, and I was too proud to throw up in a trashcan. Dan asked if I wanted to go back to the bar and get water. No, they were kicking people out. They wouldn’t let me back in if I wanted back in. He pulled over to a side road to let me puke. No…still wasn’t going to happen. He gave me some water he had, and we stopped at his place. He brought me some fresh water, but that didn’t help. Dan then drove me back to my apartment so I could puke. I figured that if I got it out of my system, I’d be fine to just hang out at the party. As soon as I got inside, though, I became headstrong. I didn’t want to vomit! I HATE vomiting! It makes me cry… I found some saltines, so I ate a couple. I brought the package with me and felt mildly better. However, as we drove down my parking lot, I started feeling nauseous again. Ugh… Dan asked if we should just call it a night. I…I don’t know… He ultimately decided that I’d go home, puke, and go to bed. Jeannette was passing out in the front seat, so he decided they should go home and go to bed as well. I felt bad, because I think Dan wanted to go to the after party. At the same time, I think it was a good thing we called it a night. The next morning, I felt nauseous, too. I don’t think it was the alcohol by itself. I think it was the alcohol mixed with the heat stroke from earlier, mixed with the sensitive stomach I had had for awhile. I started feeling better after Saturday. Sunday night, I was on Adam4Adam to see a message that someone had sent me. Suddenly, I get a message asking if I was interested in action. Now, I hadn’t planned on it, but…eh, sure, why not? I ask him if he can wait an hour, but I never heard back from him. I showered just in case. Still no answer. Motherfucker! I was pissed. Here I was, ready for nothing. So, I started looking for a substitute. One dude wanted to have unprotected sex with me. Uh…no thanks. Eventually, one dude (Wes) asked if I wanted to meet him at his work for us to get it on. Uh…I don’t have a car. He said he got off work at 7AM and could come over. S…ure…? I didn’t like the idea of waking up that early, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I got up early, took another shower, and then…felt nauseous. Between the events from Friday and my normal nausea I get when I don’t get enough sleep, I was feeling pretty shitty. So, when he showed up, I had to tell him I wasn’t ready yet. I explained how I didn’t feel well but was hoping it would pass. After an hour or so, it did pass…ish. We spent the time talking. He seemed like a pretty decent guy. I told him I was feeling better, so we started in. I really enjoyed our tryst. Don’t worry, I won’t go into any details, but what I can say is that we covered unexplored territory. I was told that I was really good (who would’ve guessed), said we should go bowling sometime, and even inadvertently invited me to go on a road trip with him to New Orleans. Uh…we’ll see… Eh, I had fun, but I started feeling nauseous halfway through. By the end of our encounter, I was feeling pretty crappy again. Normally, I leave people thinking I’m not having a good time or not interested. I’m sure my nausea only made this much worse. Tuesday, June 23rd was Kenzie’s birthday. A bunch of us went to dinner at some Caribbean-themed restaurant. I was weary over what my stomach would do, since I had felt nauseous quite a lot around that time. I was able to keep my burger down without any problems, though I was disappointed in its size. It wasn’t what I was expecting at all. Oh well. Dan and I wanted to try this amazing dessert, so we ordered one for the two of us to split. This is where things turned awkward between us for the night. No one else ordered any dessert, so everyone made jokes about it. For example, they said we should share a fork. …No. The dessert arrived, and it was pretty impressive. It was banana cheesecake, wrapped in a crepe, deep-fried, then covered in caramel, fruit, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, and cinnamon sugar. We couldn’t think of a more decadent dessert. But then, everyone just stared at us, wanting to eat it. Kenzie wanted a picture of us eating the dessert. Kristi suggested we eat it by intertwining our arms. Normally, I would be down for this. Dan and I don’t really follow the conventional norms of friendship. I refrained from jumping on this idea, though, because everyone was staring at us. I didn’t want to perform for them. Dan felt this way, too, but there was more to it. Greg and Ivan said that the picture would end up on Facebook, and it might hurt him when looking for a job in the future. This was his main reason. He bought into their stupid homophobic bullshit. This really upset me for the rest of the evening and into the next day. He’s never made me feel like I was “just a gay man.” He’s always made me feel like I was his friend before anything else. But, that night, he put my sexuality first. I called him the next day to tell him how it bothered me, and he made poor excuses for it. No, it wasn’t a “I’d look like I’m cheating” thing when I suggested last night that it was a gender/gay thing and you went along with it. At least get your story straight. It was awkward to go over to his place after that conversation, and after what had happened the night before. Anyway, back to Kenzie’s birthday. We went to a couple bars after dinner. Only a couple people showed up for this. I only had two drinks—one Lambic Framboise and one amaretto and Sprite. I was still worried about getting sick after my recent experiences. *shudder* I was fine, luckily. I can go to a bar and stay sober sometimes, right? As I said, I went over to Dan’s the following day. Things were a bit awkward after our issue from Kenzie’s birthday. We drank some sangria and hung out. I felt a little hurt from everything, though. I wasn’t angry at him. I just thought he thought of me more than just some random gay guy. That night, though, I had a dream where he told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. He didn’t want to be friends. That…really upset me. I told Dan (the real one) this, and he said that it was never going to happen. Those words brought joy to my heart, but after that, I didn’t hear from him until the next week. I ended up depressed. Not only had we not spoken since our awkwardness, and I had a dream that he didn’t want to be my friend anymore, but it was also around the anniversary of our falling out the year before. It was a very sensitive time, and not hearing from him was a little devastating. He picked me up Wednesday, and we hugged each other tightly. He said he missed me, and the feeling was more than mutual… The three of us hung out that night, and everything was better between Dan and me. Adam told me something shocking. We were discussing the crushes I have had since he’s known me, inspired by my journal entries that I had been reading. I told him how I wasn’t sure how I felt about Dan. Let’s face it, yeah, I’ve become attracted to him since partway through our first semester at UF, but how do I really feel about him? Is he just a crush? Adam said no, I’m in love with him. …What? I always assumed that Adam saw Dan as another crush. Few know me better than Adam. If he says I’m love with Dan…then it’s almost certainly true. I asked if I had loved anyone else in the past. Not like this. …Wow. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m actually in love with Dan. But, I never accepted it until now. He is the first person I have ever been in love with. That’s kind of deep. I stopped reading through my journals after that, because that was a big question I had. “How do I feel about Dan?” Adam answered it for me. I am in love with him. Crazy. And…I’m leaving him. post comment

Once upon a midday dreary... [06 Jun 2009|03:47pm] [ mood | curious ] SATURDAY ...as I pondered weak and weary... What a nice Saturday afternoon. It's raining pretty hard. Granted, this traps me in the house, but at least it's entertaining to watch. Last Saturday was Orli's birthday celebration. Kenzie offered to drive me, so I was actually able to go. Jennifer's been busy with school/moving, so she couldn't go. Dan, my normal chauffeur, is still on his vacation. Dinner was nice, despite being at an Italian restaurant. As many people know, I hate noodles. They're tasteless, slimy, and overall unpleasant to eat. The fact that you have to drench them in some sort of sauce proves this. I'm really really not a fan of tomato sauce, which further limits my love of noodles. That's nice that the entree comes with spaghetti, lasagna, or linguine, but they are all the same nasty concoction to me. Anyway, I ordered a seafood salad which was to die for. It had some vinaigrette dressing, but what I loved was the breaded and fried shrimp, scallops, and calamari in it. Damn, it was good. Definitely overpriced, though. Oh well, as long as Orli's happy. Orli wanted to go to Salty Dog afterwards, but Kenzie didn't plan on driving. Her and sobriety seldom mix at bars. I volunteered to be the designated driver. Except for one night I got buzzed, I've been sober since...well, since April, really. What's another night? Salty Dog is an annoying undergrad bar that's generally packed. Orli claimed it didn't used to be like this, but it's been like this for the three years I've been here. UC is my place. Granted, they don't accept credit cards (there's an ATM, though), but it's not usually crowded and there's actually a place to dance. Okay, so it's a gay bar, but beer is beer, no? When will people learn... Back to the story. I sat around taking pictures the whole night. Orli forgot her camera for the dinner, and her batteries died at the bar. Luckily, I had mine along. I didn't have one drink, except for a Sprite when my voice became hoarse at the end of the evening. I was impressed with myself, even though I probably shouldn't be. This was probably the first time I've been in a bar without having any alcoholic beverage. Go me. At the end of the night, Kenzie invited Geo and me to play this beanbag game at Kevin's (a crim student) place. Sure...? I was tired and just wanted to go to bed, but I'm an adventurous sort. We went over to his place, and started playing. Boy did I suck! As I've proven many times, I'm just no pitcher. Throwing a beanbag to a board with a hole in it many feet away just doesn't work for me. I did, however, score 1 point of the 21. Since it was the final point and the scores were tied, I'd say it was a great victory. Man, everyone else did better than me. I just have no coordination or skill when it comes to, well, anything physical. We started a second game, but eventually, Geo got the munchies (go figure). They ordered chicken wings from Five Star, which pretty much signified the end of our beanbag adventure. At one point, Geo passed out on the floor of Kevin's apartment while the rest of us talked. It was nearing 5AM when we decided to call it a night...if you can call it night. I woke Geo up, and being the sober (and exhausted) one, I drove him home. It was nice to finally crawl into my bed, even though it was 5:30 in the morning. I was a little freaked out about driving at first, but on the way home, when there was no traffic, it was kind of nice. Orli, in her drinking state, suggested we have a potluck this last Thursday at my place. I agreed, but then she remembered that it was her mom's birthday and asked that we reschedule it. Well, Tuesday was too short of notice for me, and I had plans for Wednesday. This only left Friday. I didn't want to hold it Friday, since it's the weekend before Dan and Jeanette are supposed to return. It felt kind of rude to hold a sporadic event right before they got back. In the end, we moved it to next Thursday. We also moved it to Orli's place to accommodate a party of any size. My place might hold 10-15 people. ...Might. I got my project Sunday. I finished the Eeyore stitch Wednesday afternoon. It doesn't look half bad. I realized when doing it that I did the back-stitching on my mom's completely wrong. Whatever. It still looks nice. I wanted it to be perfect for Dan, so I looked up information on how to start/stop threads properly (I had been doing it wrong), and how to do certain stitches properly. The result is a pretty damned perfect picture. I couldn't be happier. I spent all day every day working on that thing between Sunday and Wednesday. It didn't feel like that much time put into it, but that's okay. I'm rather daunted by the butterfly piece. It's going to be monstrous. I bought The Sims 3 yesterday. I probably shouldn't have, but whatever. It was only 50 bucks. The download was 3 hours. When you add that to the installation time, etc., it was quite the wait. I created myself, but instead of adding a family member, I accidentally ended the family of one. It was...sad. All that work for nothing... Friday was my Sims day. I spent the day designing a family and building their house. A big problem I have with this game is the hair limitations. Hair is the first thing I notice about a person, and to me, it's someone's most important distinguishing features. This game is REALLY limited in its number of styles. It offers 17 for men. This may seem like a lot, but when you consider one is buzzed, one is mohawk, one is emo, one is bald, and one is short dreadlocks, it leaves 12 actual styles that the average person might have. 12. Ridiculous. I've seen Second Life. You can recreate yourself very easily. I don't see why The Sims limits you with this shit. Anyways, the limited hairstyles limited who I could bring into the house. I decided to use some of my Florida friend (Lauren, Ben, Jennifer, Dan, and Jeannette) and a couple of video game characters (Celes and Sephiroth). I couldn't resist putting Sephiroth in. Not only could you be insane in this version, but you could be evil as well. Come on, how perfect is that?! In the end, everyone turned out well enough. The one thing I like about this character designer better than that of Sims 2 is the weight distributor. In The Sims 2, men had two body types--toned/muscular and pregnant. I am neither of these things. I am proportionately chunky. In this game, weight and musculature are on sliding scales. It's far from perfect, but it's a much closer match to my actual body than the pregnant or fit Sims 2 man. I spent...roughly 12 hours yesterday working on all that shit. By the end of the night, my left hand hurt severely from being cramped over the mouse the whole day. I'm taking a break today from it, even though my hand feels better. Last night, I also talked to Gina via webcam. I learned some interesting things, but she also asked me some interesting questions. In the end, it left me a little contemplative. She asked if I've thought about what these last three years have meant to me. No, not really. The closest I've come is thinking about what the people here have meant to me. She then asked about Dan and if I've reflected about him. Yes, that I've done ad nauseam. She asked me what he meant, and why, and that was really difficult to answer. I know the answer, but it's really awkward to discuss it. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to discussing it with Dan himself, but a third party was just...uncomfortable, to be honest. Speaking of Dan, I was lying on my couch yesterday, looking out my patio door. Suddenly, I see Dan walk by! Of course, this is impossible, since he's in Georgia on his honeymoon. But, the figure was wearing sunglasses, a red polo shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals--just like Dan owns and wore in New Orleans (I looked up the photo, and there it was). The figure also had his same skin tone, hair style, hair color, walk, face, body size, body shape, etc. Seriously. Of course, this means one of two things--either Dan has someone who looks a LOT like him, or I hallucinated. I stopped dreaming about him a couple weeks ago, and haven't given him too much thought. I'm not so stricken with grief from him being gone that I've begun hallucinating. Nor am I crazy. I was so sure it was him that I began panicking. I hadn't showered (still haven't), my place is a mess...he has to be visiting me... But, it didn't make sense. Why would he walk past my patio door towards the parking lot? That's what stopped me from getting up. The whole thing didn't make sense. I really can't explain it, but if it wasn't a damned replica of him, I don't know what it was. It freaked me out for awhile, though. If anything, I've gotten used to him not being around. I don't know why I'd suddenly see him like that. post comment

Back to normal posting [29 May 2009|10:34pm] [ mood | bored ] FRIDAY Tonight's been less thought-provoking than last night. Now I can post a regular entry. I still haven't ordered my graduation photos. My mom hasn't given me her input on what to get. I don't mind paying for my share, but I'm not going to pay for the whole thing if they expect to receive any. I'm not the parent here; I'm tired of shelling out money as if I was. I was supposed to go to Ginnie Springs last Saturday as a farewell to Kenzie's roommate. However, due to the rain, the trip was canceled. Kenzie hosted a "pajamas and poker night" instead. I was hesitant to play. It's not that I'm against gambling or poker... I just think that it'd be foolish of me to gamble with fate when I so often receive the short end of the stick. Dear god, I just captured a spider. It crawled out from under my chair, and I threw a bowl over it. It was the closest thing I could find. Normally I put a heavy glass over them. I put a heavy glass on the bowl, so hopefully it can't escape. I dislike being the cause of anything's death, but spiders frighten me to no end thanks to my father. Anyway, Jennifer and I teamed up with my money. I was in for awhile, but in the end, I lost my five dollars. Oh well. I had a good time. Got a little buzzed for the first time in over a month. Sunday, Jennifer invited me out to see Terminator Salvation. I thought it was going to suck, not particularly liking Christian Bale. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. Everyone else badmouthed it, calling it cheesy and unbelievable. I agree that the last scene is unbelievable beyond belief. Sure, it was cheesy, but I argue that it's no less cheesy than the rest of the series. I mean, in the original, the love fling between Reese and Sarah Connor lasted a couple days AT BEST. Yet, somehow, in this time, they fell in love and she got knocked up. Personally, being hunted by a machine from the future doesn't get my juices flowing. Nor am I likely to fall in love in a couple days. And, she fell HARD, too! She never fucking let go of him, just fixating on how great he was. You want unrealistic and cheesy... "Come with me if you want to live?" But to enjoy the Terminator movies, though, you have to forgive them for this. I've always enjoyed them (though the third really sucked). I'd say this one is on par with at least the first two. I can't say much has happened since then, though. I've mostly been hanging around my apartment, watching TV and playing video games. I've been relatively trapped in my apartment because of the rain. Today was the first day it didn't rain significantly. Not that I have any place to go aside from the store... -_-() Doug was supposed to be over Monday, but something came up and we had to postpone his visit. I'm going stir-crazy with boredom, though. I've been playing Wild Arms XF, but 1) it's becoming tedious, and 2) I'm almost done. Luckily, I have a couple cross-stitching projects coming in the mail that should keep me focused for the next few weeks. Well, I technically got the projects today, but I won't get everything I need to start it until Monday. I won't lie--they're both for Dan. One's of Eeyore with a butterfly on his nose with the words "Thank you for unglooming me" under it. No one else seems to understand that, but that guy has really shifted my outlook on life to be more positive. I think it's more than fitting. I plan to give it to him when I leave Gainesville, along with a very difficult note I've been trying to write these last few months expressing just how I feel. Don't worry, it's nothing weird like "I love you and want to marry you." It's more like, "I think you are an amazing person, and you mean a lot to me." It's one of the hardest things I've gone through in my life, and knowing what I've been through in life, this says a lot. ...ANYWAY...I should get that done before I leave. It's roughly 3 inches by 5 inches. The one I made for my mom awhile back was 5 by 7, which took months. This one seems to have fewer colors, a simpler design, and, of course, is smaller. The other one, well, will take forever. It's 10 by 16--over twice as long as the one I made my mom. It's a beautiful image of butterflies in a forest. I hope to get it done by Christmas at the latest, though I feel that may be overambitious if I plan on cleaning my mom's house. It's sooooo pretty. I had to get it to commemorate our trip to the butterfly museum. All this will be a surprise to him, so no one tip him off. Here's a picture of it: http://www.everythingcrossstitch.com/popup.aspx?src=images/Product/large/23965.jpg No, that's not a printed background. It's all stitching. With the variety of colors, as well as the size and complicated design, I anticipate it taking me a very long time. I couldn't resist, though. I think he'll love it. Here's the Eeyore one: http://www.everythingcrossstitch.com/popup.aspx?src=images/Product/large/21964.jpg That should keep me sane, so long as there's something on TV. Jennifer and I are supposed to hang out sometime before she leaves and make tie-dye shirts. That sounds exciting, but with how much she has to do before she loves, I hope it happens. post comment

The past [29 May 2009|02:02am] [ mood | melancholy ] THURSDAY I would like to take a break from my normal posting to discuss what's on my mind. I do it periodically, if you hadn't noticed. ...It's no secret that I did not have the best childhood. ...In fact, it's no secret that life was really difficult for me growing up. My father's childhood was even worse than mine. He fixates on it, and ignores what's going on in the present to evoke sympathy for the past. I...I'm not like this. I rarely discuss my past, unless it comes up somehow in conversation. It's not that it's uncomfortable to discuss...I just don't think about it all that often. I can't live in the past. What's going on now is all that matters in life, if RENT has taught us anything. But...at the same time...as much as I try to underplay just how much I've been through, I do know I've been through a lot. I didn't have the worst life, don't get me wrong. I was fed, I had a roof over my head, I had health care, etc. We were in poverty for awhile, yes, but I was never homeless. But...what I have gone through still surprises even my closest friends with each story I tell them. Sometimes I feel that I'm not making myself clear enough. "I had it hard." Why can't people just believe me? Tonight, I was told that people just don't get used to those kinds of stories, and that if they did, what kind of emotions would they have left? ...I...I see. I guess on some level, I feel really lonely. We can never fully know or understand a person. But, what I went through for 18 years...the terror and abuse...it's a significant part of why I am the way I am today. I went through hell growing up, and for therapeutic reasons, I just wish someone would understand what I went through. I know my mom does; she was there for most of it. She knows how much I suffered better than anyone else. That's one of the reasons my mom and I are so close--not only were we always there for each other, but we suffered through this hell together. I...I just wish someone else could understand. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like my dad. I'm not one to fixate on the past, but...when it does get brought up...I guess it'd be nice to have someone who could relate. ...Of course, I wouldn't wish this on any of my loved ones. I have turned out relatively well for my upbringing. Not everyone who watched a dog brutally killed and was threatened that the same would happen to him at the age of 4 could recover from that. Not everyone whose stuff was burned because his room was messy, or was forbidden to use the bathroom because he clogged the toilet, or was beaten with a board because his brothers were misbehaving...not everyone can recover from this. For what I've experienced, I'm fairly sane, I'm emotionally strong, and I've avoided giving in to hate. *sigh* Don't get me wrong--there are serious consequences to my upbringing. I have trouble getting close to men (which is horrible since I'm gay). I have nightmares that such torment still goes on. I am uptight to a fault, since my father expected nothing less than perfection from me. ...I tell myself that I've accepted what has happened, and have moved on. What other choice did I have? But...have I? As I told stories from my childhood tonight, I could hear my voice choking up. My eyes started to get a little hazy at points. Even now, I feel depressed, or at least somber. Maybe I haven't accepted it at all. Maybe I've just been running from it for years. I thought that if I could just bury my past, I can shape the kind of person I want to be. I...I don't know if that's happened. I never really confronted the idea of not being able to use the bathroom (a memory that surfaced tonight), for example. If...if I was to accept everything that's happened...would it come at the cost of my emotions? I remember a period in my life where I was as close to emotionless as one could come without being a psychopath. Was that my way of coping with the life I had lived? ...Can I ever escape from my past, or merely avoid it? My mom says that we all have PTSD after what we lived through. My brother, Shawn, only went through hell the last five years of my parents' marriage while I was at NIU. Before then, he was of royalty to my dad. I know that must've been tough to be dethroned, to go from prince to...well...me... He's so jaded about it, though. He's deluded himself into thinking it was always like that for him. My dad was medicated during his abuse, though, so his was merely a fraction of what I experienced. Though...perhaps he has a point. Maybe he did go through hell as long as I did...but from me... I'm not proud of what I did, but I used to torment him as a child. I used to tease him and badger him until he'd go berserk. As the youngest, and as one of my father's two favorite children, he was an easy target. I used him as an emotional punching bag to let out my frustration from being an emotional and physical punching bag. This...this wasn't right. This behavior got me sent to a therapist and put on Prozac. The therapist said that my relationship with my dad and the ruffians who lived in the neighborhood was my fault. If I reached out to them, perhaps they would reach back. ...No. My father didn't beat me because I wasn't trying to be his friend. Fuck you, Patti. ...Of course I was unhappy. Of course I had suicidal thoughts. My father BEAT me! I was tormented constantly! Treated like shit, forced to be perfect... I had no friends. No one liked me, generally because of the environment in which I was raised. ...But...to medicate me for that... Needless to say, I stopped the Prozac after a month or two. I stopped going to the therapist, though it was more of my parents' decision since I inadvertently got the DCFS to investigate the abuse allegations. I...I don't know if I'll ever be able to escape my past. God knows I wish I could. I can't fixate on it, I know that much. But...am I avoiding dealing with it or have I fully accepted it? Will I ever reach a time in my life where I won't get choked up about my father pouring laundry detergent in my fish tank to hurt my mom by hurting me? Will I ever forget that dog's yelps and whimpers as it was bludgeoned to death? What...what kind of fucked up world was I born into where shit like this can go on? How can people be so evil and psychotic?! *sigh* I'm just a little wound up tonight thinking about it all. I shouldn't be. It's not like I don't tell stories of my childhood periodically. Something about it tonight triggered this reaction though, and I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the number of stories I told in succession. Maybe it was the revelation of stories I hadn't discussed with anyone before. I just don't know. I just wish that someone--anyone--was awake so I could discuss this. I guess an uncaring, unfeeling medium such as an online journal will have to do. ...How is this any different than the rest of my life? I should be used to dealing with my emotional pain alone, like when our cat died because my dad threw it out of the house when I was at NIU. ...The one thing I have come to believe...with all that has happened in my life...is that I am being punished for my existence. If I hadn't been born, my parents probably would not have married. My existence brought suffering to myself and others, and not a day goes by where I don't feel this deep deep down. I suffer...merely because I was born. No, I know I shouldn't think like this. It wasn't my fault. It was my father's. But...I can't help but feel like some supreme design or deity punishes me for existing. ...That...is a really shitty feeling... i don't know. I guess I should go to bed before I become more heavyhearted. post comment

Rain rain, go away... [23 May 2009|12:17am] [ mood | sad ] FRIDAY Still nothing going on in my life. I got my graduation photo prints today. I think I'll actually order pictures, since I didn't for my undergraduate one (they looked horrible). We'll see what I do on that front. As you probably inferred from the title of this entry, the rain has continued. We've gotten 8-12 inches, and it looks like it's not going to let up anytime soon. I woke up this morning to the sound of heavy rain. There was a weird noise outside my apartment, so I looked out my patio door. There was water from like 3-4 feet beyond my patio to my door. Literally...to my door. I live at the bottom of a small hill, so all the water was flowing via a stream to this small lake. The drainage grate wasn't draining the water. I then spotted a groundskeeper trying to figure out what to do about the lake. Another inch, and the water would be inside my apartment. She dismantled the stone edging around a tree and stacked it in the stream as an attempt to dam it. I was enthralled by the whole thing. I didn't want to help because, well, it was raining. She was wearing a poncho and all, and it wouldn't be right for me to dismantle the edging to stop the water's flow. I wanted to videotape the event, but I decided that it would be rude to record the event while she (and eventually other maintenance people) worked to stop the water. It receded by the time they left, but it was kind of exciting. It's supposed to keep raining for the next week it seems, with a 40-60 percent chance daily. There are just ponds of water EVERYWHERE. I haven't seen it like this. I must admit--it's pretty cool. It's not even hurricane season yet! I've had more Dan dreams, too. I dreamt that my mom, my brother, Dan, Jeannette, and I went to a porn store together. Dan gave me a few movies he wanted me to get (why he were choosing my porn is beyond me), and I was looking around trying to find one myself. Eventually, we all went to the checkout line. I gave him a hug from behind, telling him that I had missed him while he were on his vacation (he had just gotten back). He turned and said that it needed a real hug. We gave each other a big hug, and I returned to my place in line behind him. I wasn't all hugged out, though, because I gave him yet another hug. I commented that I should let go before Jeannette thought something was going on, but I just couldn't bring myself to. This is one of the more pleasant dreams I've had about Dan. Truth be told, this is kind of how I feel right now. Knowing that I'm leaving soon, I just want to hold him and not let go. If that makes me weird or creepy, then so be it. On a semi-related note, it seems that Jennifer and Nick will be gone before July. That means that there's maybe one month left to hang out with Jennifer. That...makes me sad. I had anticipated leaving before her, or at least at the same time. Total heartbreak. :-( post comment

Rainy Day Man [19 May 2009|02:38am] [ mood | pensive ] MONDAY Rather boring day today, huh. Florida is currently trapped in a low pressure cycle. All we've had is rain, rain, rain. I want to go to the store, but I don't want to carry an umbrella (it limits how much I can bring back). It was actually 10-15 degrees cooler here this afternoon than it was in Illinois. That's pretty impressive. I had another dream about Dan last night. I've been having them nightly since he left. Well, I guess they started right before he left. I don't really mind, but it doesn't make me miss him any less. Last night, I dreamt that I made him and Jeannette supper, but then I realized that they were still in Iowa. Later, I dreamt that he showed up while I was out (I think in Orlando, maybe?), surprising me by returning from his honeymoon early to hang out with me. I know, it's really weird, and not something I would want. I was very touched in the dream regardless. I've been thinking a lot lately. It's one of the banes of having nothing to do. I feel as though I've failed in every aspect of my life. I look around at the people in my life, and I can say I'm not in any worse situation than any of them. But, each person must look after his or her life; it's his or her responsibility. Even if I have friends and family who need to get their acts together, it does not excuse my needing to. I don't know if I need to, even. Bear with me for a second, though. For this last month or so...everything's felt...off. Normally, the world fits a pattern. Sure, there's a little bit of variance scattered throughout existence, but in general, the world is predictable to me. "But Christopher, what about the bizarre, extraordinary things that happen to you?" Well, while those are relatively unpredictable, their conclusions are not. UF wants thousands of money? It'll work out; the debt will be nullified. My foot hurts? It'll stop as soon as I get a cane. I got selected for jury duty? It'll go away without me having to go. I used to freak out about such events, but this last year or two, I've really accepted that my life is predictable and unsurprising. Everything works out in the end, and usually with no serious consequences. It's crazy. But...the world doesn't feel this way anymore. It seriously feels as if the universe has fragmented. I've always believed in fate, especially with my weird sense of luck. I have a destiny, and I am just following it's path. Everything that happens is meant to be. But...this whole graduating/leaving Florida mess doesn't feel right. It's not that I'm suddenly regretting my decision. I just feel as if...nothing is how it should be. Somehow, I've gotten derailed on the path to my destiny. I don't know if I'm describing this feeling well enough. It's just that...everyone's behavior has changed. The world just doesn't seem to fit its typical pattern. I really don't know what it is, or why it's happening. I wish I had the answers, I really do. I find this all to be very disconcerting. For once, I can't predict people or the world. Maybe I need to just recenter my mind to see if I can get my bearings straight? I don't really like this 'world' I'm in. Everything seems so...backwards. -_-() Does anyone else notice this shift in the world, or is it just me who can sense it? It's like a dream, almost. You know what's going on, but deep in the pit of your being, you know that something's not right, or that it's a dream. *shrugs* post comment

It's been a few weeks [18 May 2009|01:16am] [ mood | disappointed ] SUNDAY It's been an eventful few weeks, too. I should've written in this sooner, especially because of the circumstances and events that have occurred. Like I said in the last entry, the 28th was my last day to deal with teaching. I waited around, and only one student came by. Oh well. Dan kept me occupied part of the time, but he had other work to do. The caramel rolls never rose; they stayed in their little hard balls. They tasted well enough, but the texture left much to be desired. The spinach dip turned out well enough, though. My camera did come in. I spent the next few days trying to figure out how to get it to work. My new toy... It's really neat, and the pictures are crystal clear. I couldn't be happier with it, unless it was cheaper. I don't think anything else really happened for the rest of the week. Lauren had a little get-together at Market Street, but despite Jennifer's name-calling and taunts, I didn't go. I needed to be up early for graduation Saturday morning, after all. I made sure to give Dan a call to make sure that he and I were on the same page, and sent my parents the live video feed of the commencement ceremony for the next day. Saturday was a day to remember. Jeannette and Dan picked me up a bit late, because Dan couldn't find his name card. I had already dressed, and he changed into his outfit when we arrived. I gave Jeannette my new video camera so that she could capture Dan and I graduating, and had my digital camera in my pocket. It took us a little bit, but we finally found out where we were supposed to go. Unlike my NIU graduation, where ceremonies were divided solely by college, UF's divided by degree, then college. All the advanced degree candidates had their own ceremony. NIU divided its graduates by name. We were only divided by college in the ceremony. This means that I got to graduate with Dan! I was separated from Adam throughout my whole undergraduate ceremony, so this was nice. And, as Jennifer put it, it's only fitting he and I graduate together. After a bit, Judith showed up, too. We had no clue she was walking (none of our other friends did, which may be why they were all out partying the night before. Jennifer failed to see the correlation). The graduation ceremony, of course, was boring as hell. Dan, Judith, and I chatted with each other and kept each other amused throughout. Jeannette, meanwhile, took videos of us. I don't know if it bothers me or not, but when Dan walked across the stage, she followed him with the camera, and after they called my name, she remembered me and moved the camera to where I was. That in and of itself doesn't phase me. I understand how seeing Dan can make you forget about the rest of the world. I was just disappointed that she screamed for him and not for me. She said that she was a bit taken aback when she remembered I existed. Eh, it's no biggie. You can hear Billy yelling on the tape "Go Christopher!", and Jennifer screamed. All that pales in comparison to the actual ceremony's blooper. They MISPRONOUNCED MY NAME! I was SO livid! You can see it on the video. They called me "Christopher Weer-Wer." Seriously, how can you mispronounce Weaver? I even spelled it phonetically--Wee-ver. I have no clue how they got Weer-Wer. That aside, the ceremony went well. We met up with Jennifer afterward, who had bought each of us flowers. I was definitely not expecting that. They were soooo pretty! Eventually, Jeannette and Dan's parents showed up. We got a few photos, and then all of us went to Chili's for lunch. I had this amazing buffalo wing fajita platter and loaded french fries. Dan's mom picked up my bill, which I was not expecting. I didn't even realize it until we were leaving. I didn't really want her to, but I wasn't going to argue. It was a nice gesture. After that, I was back at my apartment. I called my mom, who missed most of the ceremony because her internet kept cutting out. My dad was able to watch it, though. Krista watched it, too. My mom said I should celebrate, but this kind of bummed me out. Dan and Jeannette were dealing with his visiting family, and everyone went out the night before. As I said, Jennifer said it wasn't EVERYONE, but when I started listing our core group of friends, yes, everyone except Dan and I had gone out. They wouldn't feel like going out the night after, so...it was disappointing. I didn't get to celebrate my graduation--not with my family, and not with my friends. *sigh* Not that I got any graduation presents from my family. Amy got me a gift card to Borders, which is more than I can say for anyone else. Maybe getting your Master's degree isn't that big of a deal, but I don't recall any graduation gifts for my other two degree sets, either. God, I'm getting depressed now thinking about how unloved all this made me feel. My graduation gown and hood was due the next day, so Dan, Jeannette, and his mom went up to the bookstore to drop it off. While there, the three of them looked around at the UF goods. I wasn't really interested in getting anything at this time, so I followed Jeannette around as she browsed. The trip was pretty uneventful, but I realized that it was probably the last time I'd see Dan's mom. That shouldn't make me sad, but since I see him as family, it was a little. Monday, I spent the day by myself. More Suikoden Tierkreis if I remember correctly. Tuesday night was Lauren's going-away party. Dan and Jeannette drove me, of course. I finally got a chance to use my video camera. After watching the footage, I realized I need practice. At one point, Dan took my camera and videotaped the party for a bit. His video clip was MUCH better than mine. He has a camcorder, so he's had practice at least. My family hasn't had a video camera since the 80's. I hope I improve over time... The night was pretty fun, though. It was the last time I'd get to hang out with Lauren in Gainesville, since she was leaving that weekend. I made sure to stay sober for it so I'd remember it clearly. No sense in being wasted during our last memory together, eh? Wednesday afternoon, I went up to the school and cleaned out my desk. I ran into Dan and Jeannette while up there, but they couldn't stay because they were parked in a 30-minute zone. I handed in my key, and then left the school. This was the last time I would go to campus for official business. This...broke my heart. I was really torn up inside about all this. Everyone kept asking if I was okay about it, but of course, I wasn't about to discuss how I was really feeling. I finally won Suikoden Tierkreis. It was an amazing game! The plot was...outstanding. At first, I was hesitant to play the game. A Suikoden for the Nintendo DS? With those graphics? No runes or reoccurring characters? What's the point? I've gotta say that this was my second favorite Suikoden, after the first one. I recommend it for anyone interested in Suikoden or RPGs. I broke down and ordered Wild Arms XF, another game I was hesitant to buy. It's a tactical game, like Final Fantasy Tactics and Shining Force. I'm really digging it, though. There's a lot of references that only someone familiar with the series would get, so I like that. The way the battles are set up is pretty cool, too. Unlimited class changes, highly customizable characters, no permanent deaths, unique abilities, incorporated class/skill-based puzzles on the battlefield, etc...definitely a good structure for a tactical game. I don't know what I'm going to do once I win it, though. There was a point a couple weeks ago where I went through a bout of depression. I couldn't get ahold of my mom, no one was online or was too busy to talk, I was between video games (before Wild Arms XF arrived), and there was nothing on TV. I became quite bored, and mopiness followed. Eventually, I broke free from it, but it was a rather unpleasant time. I will also never order flowers online again, especially from FTD. Now, I've been a customer since 2002, but I have never had such a horrible experience with them. I bought my mom flowers for Mother's Day, May 10th. I ordered them on February 23, and the payment went through on February 27th. So, I ordered them well ahead of time, right? Well, I asked my mom if she got the flowers. No. What...the fuck?! So, I call FTD and wait on hold for 25 minutes or so. They tell me that they will make sure they're sent out Monday morning, with a 10 dollar upgrade. Okay...sure. Monday night comes about. I get an e-mail saying it's been delivered. I ask my mom....nope. No flowers. Again?! I call FTD and end up on hold again. When I get through to them, they tell me that they need to ask the florist if he delivered them. They would call me the next day. Fine. 5:30 comes about Tuesday, and still no call. I call them, and of course they hadn't called the florist. They call them while I'm on hold. Of course, the florist says they've been delivered, but they would have to check through their signature records to see if anyone signed for them. FTD said they'd call me ASAP with that information when they got it. ...Fine. 3:30 comes about Wednesday. Still no call. I call FTD and end up on hold again (15 minutes this time). They hadn't heard back from the florist, so they called while I was on hold...again. The florist's records didn't have a signature, and he claimed they had left them on the porch. Here's the thing: 1) Shawn was home all morning to get the delivery, 2) You'd trip over them if they were put on the porch, and 3) My mom lives in Boofuck, so no one would steal them. The florist was flat-out lying. They must've delivered them to the wrong address, but he wouldn't even toy with that notion. The FTD customer service representative asked if I wanted them redelivered. No. It's fucking Wednesday. Mother's Day was Sunday. Give me my fucking money back. So, she decided to give me a full refund at the cost of the florist. She then sent me on a much-unappreciated guilt trip. She went on and on about how the florist was very understanding and so nice, and was out 86 dollars from the flowers he left on the porch, etc. This really pissed me off. What about the hell I've gone through because of this fucking order? What about my mom, who never got her Mother's Day present because of this shit? Don't fucking sympathize with the florist to me! I did MY job! I ordered ahead of time and paid you! Not only did I not get the service I paid for (delivery on MOTHER'S DAY), but I didn't even get the goods (the flowers themselves). That's not how you run a fucking business. Out 86 bucks? Good. That's what happens when you can't do your job. I finally got the refund, but still...no compensation for my trouble. Fuck the florist. Like I said, I'm never dealing with them again. It's reminiscent of my headache with Delta. Fucked over by idiots who can't do their job, who lie to their customers, with no compensation whatsoever. I've also talked to Dan on AIM a couple times since he's been in Iowa. It's been kind of nice, hearing from him when I normally wouldn't. Still, I don't know how I feel about this whole talking-to-him-online thing. It's him...but it's not. You have to understand that our friendship is only in person. Sure, we talk on rare occasion over the phone, but beyond that, we only hang out together. Talking to him online...it's not the same as talking to him in person. It feels so...impersonal. I know it'll take some adjustment, but I don't know if I've ever been put in a position where I went from seeing someone in person to talking to him or her online. *sigh* I wonder what he feels about it. I'd rather talk to him online than not talk to him, but I'd rather hang out with him in person. He'll be back in three weeks. I'll survive until then. Then again, how will I deal with his absence in my life after this summer? It's something I've had on my mind for awhile. I realized that I don't just feel guilty because I'm leaving him. I feel guilty because I've single-handedly changed our friendship for the worse. That's been bothering me lately. Oh well. Oh, and I rented my moving truck from Budget recently. It was only 430 bucks, which is probably half of what it would've cost to get one coming down. I'll have it for 5 days, with unlimited miles. Not bad, not bad. post comment

Just wanna talk again [06 May 2009|01:50am] [ mood | indescribable ] TUESDAY I don't really want to talk about the recent events (graduation, etc.). I just want to talk about stuff that's on my mind currently. That's part of the reason why I have this damned thing, no? Today was Lauren's going-away party. I was pretty cool at the party, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's kind of weird to think about. I guess it's one of those situations like when someone close to you dies, and you think about your own mortality. Lauren's leaving this week forever. Sure, I can pretend I'll see her again, or that I'll see her soon. Chances are, I won't. It's not because I don't want to. It's because the opportunity probably just won't arise. It's weird to think of a friend that you've had for a few years, and then you leave them forever. That's the curse of grad school--you pull many people from different locations together, only to separate them again. It's a cruel joke when you get as attached to people, places, and situations as I do. For every person that I leave, even those I don't know or like, my heart gets broken just a little more. It's...scary to think about. I can't believe I'm leaving my friends. I haven't even fathomed that Jennifer is going to be inaccessible when she goes off in the Peace Corp. Handwritten letters? It's just so...hard to comprehend. Not living near any of my friends, especially Dan...I can't really imagine it. The idea that "I didn't exist before I met you?" That's how I feel. I can't imagine a life without these people. No more movie nights, no more going out to the bar, no more baking for events, no more having people over... How did I get by before any of this? I know I did... Jennifer and I's main form of communication has been AIM this last year. I guess I don't see much of a change from when I leave, since I'll still talk to her on AIM. But when she leaves for Africa...well, I'll deal with that when that time comes. Yeah? ...Dan and I don't talk online. Our friendship is entirely in-person. What...what'll happen to our friendship when I leave? It's no secret just how...uh...let's say connected...Dan and I are to each other. Tonight. Lauren and I were discussing the difficulty of leaving our friends. She pointed out that Dan's my best friend, and it'll be hard to say goodbye to him. ...Yes, yes it will. It will hurt like hell. It'll be the most painful thing so far in my life. ...The only problem is that I'm not dealing with any of it. I mean, I will occasionally cry myself to sleep imagining about saying goodbye. But, I'm not really dealing with it any other time. It's like I'm numb to it, like it hasn't sunk in. When I left NIU, it was a disaster--I just focused on me leaving and made my last moments...well, shit. I won't do that this time. I don't want to spend every moment pitying myself for leaving. I don't know if completely ignoring it is the way to go, though. ...See, when I moved back home after NIU, I was fine after a few days. I had mourned my loss before leaving. I'm not mourning now, though. I periodically feel sad about it, but I'm far from mourning. What's going to happen when I go home? What's going to happen on my WAY home? I'm sorry, but I foresee an emotional crash of monumental proportion. It'll hit me all at once, and I just won't be able to take it. I'm...scared. I just don't know how it'll pan out. Here's the thing--I keep trying to lose myself (standard protocol for me). Through video games, etc., I have avoided my feelings. At night when I'm alone and trying to sleep, my mind fails to spare me from such torment. What's going to happen when I have to deal with it all? When I'm not focusing on video games, etc., I feel...wrong. It's like something is wrong in my body but I don't know what. Maybe it's the bronchitis, but it feels like something deeper than that. I think it's suppressed sadness. I worry that the happiness I've felt this last month has been rational versus emotional. I'm happy because I should be, not because I am. Deep down, though, there's that "off" feeling. Eh, I don't know. I think I'm just tired and rambling. I just needed to let out a few thoughts. I feel...so torn right now. *shrugs* post comment

No manic Monday for me [28 Apr 2009|01:43am] [ mood | excited ] MONDAY Not too much to report. I went to the reception for sociology grad students Friday. I brought my camera, but I didn't really feel up to taking any pictures. It was awkward running into faculty I haven't talked to since my first year at UF, such as Dr. Marsiglio or Dr. Peña. I was kind of put off at one point when the former had a conversation looking entirely at Dan with the two of us standing together. He's a socially-awkward rude man, and I'm not afraid to admit it. The evening was nice despite this, though. There were some good treats on the table, and I even got a little toy ducky wearing graduation gear in honor of me graduating this spring. I abhor that people still call me "Chris" after I've been here three years. *shudder* I actually kind of find it insulting. I find it annoying that some of my friends still haven't gotten it through their heads yet. Anyway, it was a fun night. Dan, Jeannette and I rode the bus back to their place, where I picked up my graduation gear. Finally, I could let it air out. Saturday evening, Kenzie called me as I was finishing a container of fried okra. She wanted to go to some local place called Satchel's Pizza and was wondering if I wanted to join her. Sure! I was glad she caught me when she did. Otherwise, I would've been too full from the sandwiches I was planning on eating. Everyone else was either out of town or busy this weekend, so it was just the three of us with Lauren. This place was pretty campy. They had a store with random items anywhere from dollar store trinkets to larger toys and such. It was really...weird. I love camp. I really do. They also had a chandelier made of keys and bells strung with bottle caps. What a weird place. The wait for the pizza was a bit ridiculous. The building is small with an equally-small parking lot. After a nice wait, we finally got a booth. We ordered an artichoke heart, spinach, feta cheese, and red onion pizza for all of us. It was amazing. I guess it was worth the wait. Before long, we were out of there and I was back home. We had a great time. I'm so glad Kenzie invited me. Nothing else really happened this weekend. I've mostly been playing Suikoden Tierkreis. It's actually grown to be an amazing story. I'm kind of addicted to it. After tomorrow, I'll be done with teaching. I am holding special office hours during the time of our final exam (10AM-12PM) since we don't have an actual test. I anticipate a number of them coming in and complaining. I'm making my great-grandmother's caramel rolls for the grad lab for breakfast in the meantime. The office intern is graduating, so they're holding some shindig in the hall in the afternoon. I'm making cheesy spinach and bacon dip for it (to go along with chips I'm bringing). If there are any leftover caramel rolls, I'll throw those in, too. Dan said he might come up to the school (I'm assuming to keep me company), so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that. I need to find out when he and Jeannette will be in Iowa so I can add it to my calendar. It appears as though my video camera and accessories will be delivered tomorrow as well. If I can make it back by 5PM or so, I can get them from the office tomorrow instead of having to wait until Wednesday. Either way, it doesn't really matter, I guess. I'll pretty much just sit down with the book and read it cover to cover. I tend to do that with expensive electronics I know little about. I'm hoping to get A LOT of video footage, especially of my friends and loved ones. I don't take TOO many pictures with my digital camera. Hopefully the continuous stream of action instead of having to pause for pictures will encourage me to use this more. With luck, I'll be just like Mark Cohen from RENT, continuously documenting his and everyone else's lives. That's what I really want to do. We'll see if I can pull it off, though. post comment

Another week [23 Apr 2009|10:59pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] THURSDAY Saturday was pretty uneventful for me. I graded a couple of papers, cleaned my apartment a little, bought groceries, and bought alcohol. When I complained that I was bored, Jennifer recommended I drink. Okay! That night, I had a few drinks. I felt pretty good. I spent most of the evening watching and listening to Little Shop of Horrors videos. Eventually, though, I got cranky and decided it was best to just go to bed. Sunday, I graded more papers and released the pre-final test grades to my class. This was a big mistake, because it resulted in a number of students complaining and begging for extra credit. Seriously, you haven't even taken the third test yet. I'm sorry you can't get an A, but it's not my fault. One student even went so far as to blame the way I graded stuff for her low grade. Uh...no. Of course, I've had to deal with this almost every day since. It's quite obnoxious. I didn't have this issue last semester. I had maybe a couple people ask me for more points. With almost half the number of students, I've had maybe 3 or 4 times the number. Anyway, like I said, it's very annoying. Accept your grades already. I don't know where everyone's sense of entitlement is coming from. If you scored C's on all your tests, I don't give a flying fuck if you got an A a paper or two. You're not getting an A in the class! I didn't do much Monday. I thought I was going to go up to campus with Dan to get my graduation regalia, but I never heard from him. It turns out he was busy working on a paper. It didn't really affect my day any, aside from postponing lunch in fear that he would call when it was in the oven. Tuesday I gave my last exam to my students. I could tell some of them were cranky, but whatever. They can blame me for their grades all they fucking want. Dan and I talked a bit afterwards like we always do. I went home after getting the test results and meeting with a student. This was the last time that Dan would walk me to the bus stop. Sad. Wednesday was an amazing day. I'm still a little sore from it. Dan called me in the afternoon and asked if I wanted to get my cap and gown. Sure! Then, he asked if I wanted him to drive us, or if I wanted to bus it to campus with him and take pictures along the way. I had wanted to go around and get random pictures of campus, so I was surprised that he offered to join me. It was very unexpected. Of course, I cannot refuse an offer to hang out with him, so that's what I did. We rode the bus to campus, then walked around taking pictures. We even stopped off at the office for a few pictures. He suggested Lake Alice (a small university-owned lake on campus) for a few pictures. I had never been, so I was stoked. It was beautiful! There was a chapel on the edge of the waterfront, and trees surrounding the lake. I even saw my first alligator here in Florida! On the way back, Dan discovered this secluded path through a forest. It was a long wooden bridge through the small forest, ending with a patio overlooking the area. I really enjoyed it. We walked back to the bus stop (having walked a few miles total) and went back to his place. After relaxing a bit, we went to dinner at Boston Market. I had never eaten there before. It was pretty good for the cost. Overall, it was a great day. I think the best part was just talking to Dan one-on-one for hours about so many subjects. I'll admit that the adult-themed subjects were my favorite, but it was just a nice time in general. I'm going to miss him a lot. We'd better do that again before I leave...many times. Stupid me left my cap and gown on his counter. I need to get that still... Today, I went up to the school to meet a student. I waited around for Dan, who I knew was coming up at 3. I admitted something very personal to him...the biggest secret in my life...although it was very vague. ...Moving on. He was there to attend some undergraduate sociology award ceremony, so I tagged along. What can I say? Whenever he's around, I become glued to his hip. Kenzie joined us as well, which only made the time all the more fun. After the banquet, Jeannette picked Dan and I up and dropped me off at home. I feel like she's been chauffeuring me a lot lately. I'm always with Dan, and he has her pick him up a lot. Since we live right across from each other, it's not that big of a deal for her. It's just weird, though. Tomorrow, there's a graduate student reception for our department. That should be fun, especially since I finally achieved something in my time here. It'll be sad, since it'll probably be the last time I see many people (like faculty). I'll have to bring my camera. Oh shit, what will I wear? I didn't really plan for that one. Kenzie said she's wearing a blue dress. Is it going to be fancy? Hmm... So...I bought a video camera today. I really shouldn't have. I don't have the money to throw around. I just wanted one. I saw a cheap one on Woot Sellout the other day, and I started thinking about how nice it would be to have one. My digital camera is great, but it doesn't record sound. And, it only records short videos. It'd be nice to video record my last few months in Florida, especially the times that I spend with my friends. However, after doing more research into the camera, I discovered that it was shit. *sigh* I guess it was too good to be true. I mulled it over for a couple days, reading many reviews and checking many products. Unlike my father, when I find something I want, I do my research to make sure it's worth the hassle. I ran the idea of my mom, seeing if my family even had a camcorder. Nope. The last video camera we had was from the 80's...in the 80's... We didn't take many videos with it. My father just wanted it to show off. At least we know I use my purchases (see the thousands of pictures on Facebook I've taken with my digital camera). She thought it was a good idea, so at least I had some comfort in that. And, at least I wouldn't have to hear about how I was needlessly wasting money. I started out not wanting to spend more than 200-300 dollars. I wanted a hard drive, and I wasn't concerned about it being HD. I searched...and searched...and searched... The products that fell in my minimum spec range sucked according to the user and CNET reviews. When it comes to dropping that much money, I don't play games. I've really lucked out on electronics. Amy was a whiz when it comes to cameras, so I deferred to her completely for my own digital camera purchase. Jeff knows computers, so I listened to his suggestions. I ultimately went for a more expensive one, which has yet to let me down. I am thoroughly proud of my personal investigation and discovery of this machine. I'm hoping that my camcorder is just as impressive. It was way much more money than I had hoped. http://www.amazon.com/Canon-HF100-Definition-Camcorder-Stabilized/dp/B00114162K/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1240544155&sr=8-1 I ultimately decided to err on the side of video quality and spring for HD. I also settled for memory cards versus internal drives. I also compromised how much I was willing to shell out for this project. This camera has stellar customer and CNET reviews, especially compared to the others. I couldn't find too many complaints about this camera, which seems to be quite popular. I think it's a very good buy. Hopefully, I'll get it sometime next week. I'm very excited about it. I have to admit, though, that the thought of dropping that much money nauseates me severely. -_-() On a related note, I bought my mom's plane ticket. It wasn't as much as I was expecting. Neither was the estimate for the moving truck. It looks like everything is in falling into place! I guess my mom's flying down July 24th, and we're driving out on the 27th. I should be back in Illinois sometime the 28th or 29th, depending on how straightforward our drive is. *nods* I had a dream the other night that I was moving already. I said goodbye to Nick, Ivan, and Greg while Jennifer, Dan, and Jeannette loaded up the car with my stuff. I got choked up as I said goodbye, imagining how difficult it would be for me to say goodbye to the latter three. *sigh* It was kind of a depressing dream, you know? It was much different than the dream I had the other day in which Dan showed me his wang. It was completely different than how I picture it looking in real life, but it was kind of a o.O dream nonetheless. Good times. post comment

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