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Thursday, March 20th, 2003
9:39 pm
just me for a quickie. Contrary to common belief I am not dead- yet. I am typing like mad on my website which is progressing slower than I can stand but I want it to look good in the end. I have 60 percent done right now and the generell layout stands. I feel like I have to get it done soon or I might go crazy. Totally nuts........yadadada!!!!! Okay I am still here but off again to my own typeland. I hate HTML!

current mood: bouncy
current music: Bangles´ Something that he said

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
8:15 pm
Had a crappy day today....... really crappy. I wasn´t in the gym because I am lazy and I ate too much already because I am a binge-cow. It seems after some days of starving my body gets frustrating as hell. Anyway, worked on my new page and the first site is done. Now I am working on each single site which take me a while because the layout changes in the different sections. It´s all pretty exciting and I have nothing better to do anyway. Reminds of something Avril Lavigne said in one of her songs:
When you are all alone in the lands of forever
Hell I feel like that sometimes. My pc is not working perfectly but it does at times let me on the net. How generous indeed!

current mood: bitchy
current music: David Bowie´s Jean Genie

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Sunday, March 16th, 2003
6:08 pm
My sis has been all weird since she is back. All tight lip and quiet not even talking to me. I mean fine with me but it´s unnerving. I always think she is going to watch me even closer now. But it´s nice that nobody is talking into my food habits and workout schedule. I feel so cold and weak most of the time plus I am trying to work with Front page with starting to wig me out. This programm is so damn complicated and I feel like I am never going to understand it. A journalist contacted me some time ago and asked if I was okay that she uses my website as a pro-ana example in an article she is writing. I don´t bother any way and told her that. But it got me thinking. I never wanted a pro-ana site and maybe people got me wrong. I am working on a personal site now with most of the content of my old site but definitly not encouraging people to starve themselves. I want to present information without leading anybody anywhere. It will take me some time since I want it to look good and I will include all kind of weird stuff but you will see soon.

I have to get out now- take the tube and get me a newspaper at the station. It´s sunday and everything is closed around here. Tomorrow a friend comes by and does some tidbits in our apartment and I hope it´s finished then. Maybe more later.

current mood: indescribable
current music: Radio

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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
11:24 pm
I had a binge this afternoon but worked it off at the gym. I feel horrible because I have backpains but at least I hope I am not gaining. I do a soup day tomorrow only having chicken broth and tea. That hopefully will teach me a lesson. I am quite angry right now and now Lunchbox board to vent. So I go to bed right now. Nothing else better to do anyway.

current mood: annoyed
current music: Nora Jones, Come away with me

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1:58 pm
Just a quick one.......... to announce that my pc is back home...... and working! It costed me a fortune but I need it and finally I feel like a living person again. I am doing okay on my diet.......... not awsome but okay. I train like an idiot and eat as little as I can without collapsing so it should be all good. I am going to work on my website later and go to the gym later but then I am back here.

current mood: creative
current music: Shania Twain´s Katching

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Saturday, March 8th, 2003
8:13 pm
I feel horrible........ i ate so much that i feel terribly stuffed. I just want to purge but hey- i am not good with this stuff. I only purged succesfully once and it hurt. So no release for me either. but tomorrow i have a fruit day. i don't want to ruin my diet completely.

I still have trouble with my pc. my graphic card is crap and i need a new one. i have it ordered but it might take some days. i am home now and can use the pc here. thank god....... it's old but still working way better than my brand new one with windows xp! *g* i might change to linux one day i swear it.

I feel tired. got up at 7:30 this morning and i will go to bed at around 10. i can't sleep without sleeping pills anylonger- or i don't want to. not sure. *sigh* my life goes to hell again but at least my diet is working. It's my mantra right now: Keep your diet going- no matter what happens and you will be fine! Weird, uh?

I am working on some new stuff for my website right now. not giving anything away but I am trying some stuff out.

current mood: crushed

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7:40 pm
today my sis and me got home for the weekend to paint two rooms in our house. i didn't want to at first because i knew my diet would be screwed from the moment i set foot in this house. my mom is all sweet but she has a way of getting to me...... don`t know how to explain but she makes me feel so guilty. so i rather eat than make her unhappy. i admit it I love her and i think i hurt her enough with my screwed up life. my sis made me mad today but as always i kept it in. we have greek food now....... ordered in and i have to go downstairs. more later.

current mood: angry

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Friday, March 7th, 2003
7:53 pm
I had a good day until i went to mcdonald´s with my friends and had a bigmac and two cheeseburgers. Ugggg- i am so disgusting. it´s too late to go to the gym but later when i am alone i do some workout. i was doing so well the last days but tomorrow i will do even better. only fruit and veggies for me. plus workout in the gym. that should teach me a lesson.

A friend came around today and finished stuff in our kitchen and did tidbits here and there. i guess it always takes awhile until you are settled in a new apartment. still it´s going on my nerves. slowly it´s getting to me............

i was feeling not so well today plus i took mucho ephedrin today. i should cut it down. i know where it got me last time.......... don´t even want to go there- nope not really.

my net connection is working when xp feels like it. i have to get my pc checked out or i get mad. i need my pc and my modem- it´s my way of letting off steam. plus my website is getting deserted due to my lack of updates. i am wondering if somebody is still coming since i got rid of the counter.

maybe if i get a connection later i write some more. cu.

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Thursday, March 6th, 2003
6:29 pm
so i am back after so long and it feels good. i don´t want to explain everything twice so if you want to know why i was gone check out my website. the link is somewhere here.

i had a big fight with my sis. about breakfast. she wanted to buy some food, i didn´t want anything and she bitched. okay i bitched back but i hate it when people talk about my food and how much i should eat. i know that thank you. okay i still have to update my website which was neglected so long but as i said i am back. for good. just kidding.

i am in a freaky mood right now. dunno why. i am on a low cal low fat diet, working out whenever i have time and i loose. i know it. i don´t have to go on a scale i feel it. wonder how many other anorexics can do this. i always know when i gain and i feel when i loose. feels like slowly leaving the ground. like being majorly strong and like i am getting lighter every day. like nothing from this god forsaken world can touch me anylonger.

i am going to have some watermelon in a minute when i have uploaded my files to my server. and then i do some exercises with my weights and my crunches. it´s all so much routine and it feels good to be back. i know how it goes which is the good thing when you are ana for over eight years. i know the drill and when i am on track nothing keeps me from going. okay big lie there. if it were like this i would be stickthin right now. which i am not. but soon. maybe. fucking doubt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love you bron if you read this. anybody else: try to do something good for you since I can´t do it for myself. something not diet related. *sigh* i better go. *hesitates* okay bye!

current mood: hyper

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Wednesday, February 12th, 2003
12:50 pm
I am feeling much better right now. I am not binging even cutting short on my eating so I should be loosing. Finally. It´s all so surreal right now. I mean I am living my life as always but it feels really like it´s all without meaning without consequences which is weird. I imagine sometimes that I am living somebody else´s life which is bullshit really but hey yeah- so call me crazy will you!

I met one of my old friends from HS last sunday. His mom and my mom are friends and we were invited for lunch. She is a good cook and gives me large portions each time. It was horrible but I love their dog. He is so cute and I know him for all his life which is 12 years now. Thomas is my friends name and we have been pals for most of HS. I was in love with him once but that has eventuelly passed. It´s easier like this plus it would feel sooo weird. It was nice talking with him again. I havn`t seen him in over two years. I missed his light heartedness and his humor. He doesn´t know about my ed or about the cutting but it´s nice nevertheless. We probably meet again soon which I look forword to.

I was so busy the last days that I am not sure if the new layout will be finished till sunday. We´ll see. I cannot work more than I have time to. I will be gone this afternoon and maybe I get something done this eve. I am using javascript for the first time and it prooves pretty difficult to adjust to what I want it to do.

current mood: tired

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Saturday, February 8th, 2003
8:09 pm
Okay so I am cranky? So what? I had four fucking hours sleep last night, ate less than 1000 cals today (after weeks of binging) and drank so much diet coke that my hearts beats away into the my life. I have very reason to be cranky. I am FAT- do you want me to spell it? F - A - T. It´s as simple as that.

Skinny Esther= happy Esther.
Fat Esther=cranky Esther

I am simply exhausted from life itself. I am a total loser and i probably deserve every ounce of cruelty life throws my way but hey!- I can be cranky okay? Mom and sis are off again eating out- chinese. It´s a family desease- my family loves to go out and have food. I hate it. I makes me fat. I have no will at times it seems. They are were out for lunch. Steakhouse. Can you believe it? Out twice today? I had some watery potatoe soup for dinner. Same for lunch. And fruits. I am just having an apple. I hope I find an apartment soon where I can fast to my hearts content. I am still home- it makes me go crazy one day. Everything is their business. Except it isn´t but they don´t care. I am almost 22 and still they tell me what to eat and what not. If I have some candy they tell me I just get fatter. Okay granted it´s true and by the way triggering as hell but I should be saying it to me. Not them. They know where I have been, where I still am so why are they like that? If I don´t eat enough they tell me that I am a stupid anorexic and that I will never look like a model. Hell I know that? But it´s the only way I know to exist. Dieting, fasting binging. My pattern, my life line. I have to loose 10 kgs fast. I have to. Yes Sir! *Esther salutes* Who am I kidding? Chances are I never make it to this place again. When I was 14 I could juice fats for weeks. Now even 1000 cals leave me so weak. Whatever. I have some designing to do. Website. I want to get something done before I go to bed.

current mood: cranky

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1:00 am
So I finally found a journal website that doesn`t want a fucking activation code. I am going to add this url to my links either tonight or tomorrow. I am terribly exhausted but also strangely chipper and awake. It´s after midnight here and I will be terribly tired tomorow morning but nevertheless I know that I seem to have no other choice. I finally have my pc back running again. It broke some days ago and I was without internet conection for a while. I almost died. And typically I binged. *sigh* What can I do? I am glad I am back plus I will change the layout for the site again. It looks not so good in other screen resolutions and I want the color scheme to change. We´ll see what I get done in the next days. I want to fast tomorrow. Or stick to fruits for a while. Fasting generelly leads to another binge if I don´t prepare the Fast before hand. So I might try to keep to a fruits thing for a while also I am pretty weak right now. I hope it gets better soon. Seems years of ana takes its toll right now. I try to get something done with the page tomorrow. At least it keeps me from eating. I once read someplace on the web: My website is my anti-food. Maybe it works for me as well.

current mood: frustrated

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