Kellyetc's Journal

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

3:12PM - Day off

I wrote earlier in a very fragile mood. I decided, after doing some homework of stuff I hate, to take the day off. I'm still in class and honestly, I should be listening, but I'm not today. This Thermo stuff is for the birds. On another note, funny, semi situational haha a few minutes ago. While sitting out ina largely echoing lobby of an engr building, i sit and watch people doing their homework, talking about R1/R2 equals blah blah, and zeroing in on the multitude of loud mouths laughing, is a guy at the end of my table talking to his "team". He's 5'8, wearing those 80'2 grey sweatshirt with the red thinner shirtted arms sewn in, about a 1' razored haircut, and coke bottle glasses. He must be of Italian or Iraqi descent, but he's telling these indian girls the equations of simple Engineering CAL. I. I'm sitting there wondering, in my young engineering days, if some guy was telling me equations, I'd probably be really turned off. Thats not an attractive quality, except maybe you + me = love. Something along those cheezy pick up lines, but still, no love for you! So these girls are throwing their streaming, dark and uncontrollable hair around their thick glasses as well probably thinking, I love when you talk isoselese triangle to me. Not only is this not a convesationalist, but his voice is somewhere between bullhorned Urkel, but his lips tend to move faster than his brain. So, it's now flowing out like
engineering gibberish.


It's spring folks.

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2:58PM - Day off

I wrote earlier in a very fragile mood. I decided, after doing some homework of stuff I hate, to take the day off. I'm still in class and honestly, I should be listening, but I'm not today. This Thermo stuff is for the birds. On another note, funny, semi situational haha a few minutes ago. While sitting out ina largely echoing lobby of an engr building, i sit and watch people doing their homework, talking about R1/R2 equals blah blah, and zeroing in on the multitude of loud mouths laughing, is a guy at the end of my table talking to his "team". He's 5'8, wearing those 80'2 grey sweatshirt with the red thinner shirtted arms sewn in, about a 1' razored haircut, and coke bottle glasses. He must be of Italian or Iraqi descent, but he's telling these indian girls the equations of simple Engineering CAL. I. I'm sitting there wondering, in my young engineering days, if some guy was telling me equations, I'd probably be really turned off. Thats not an attractive quality, except maybe you + me = love. Something along those cheezy pick up lines, but still, no love for you! So these girls are throwing their streaming, dark and uncontrollable hair around their thick glasses as well probably thinking, I love when you talk isoselese triangle to me. Not only is this not a convesationalist, but his voice is somewhere between bullhorned Urkel, but his lips tend to move faster than his brain. So, it's now flowing out like
engineering gibberish.


It's spring folks.

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1:30PM - Frustration

Today is another bad day. I've that lump back in my throat so ready to cue the waterfalls any second. I'm really at this surreal point today. Where I dont feel I'm really in the predicament I'm in, but the outside looking in at me knows that I'm in deep. It's nothing as emotional this time as a financial and future thing. I hate the fac that I despise my daily life and take more enjoyment in my future that hasn't happened yet. That's a sad thing to me! I understanding working to achieve something, but i hate what I'm achieving. A very small unprideful part of me would love to change directions. Not only would I feel terrific and probaby not have half as many bad days as I've been having, but I think my entire outlook on my direction would be better.

I wrote this poem in ten mintues for a contest. I got info back saying I was a semi-finalist. They are definitely publishing it but I could buy the book as well. Despite finding out the buying part was a scam,I still get my poem published, and honestly I'm pretty damn impressed with myself. It's not the greatest news in the world but for me, and despite maybe being a sign, it felt good to even be recognized for writing. I am not recognized other than in a negative manner for being all ms. engr. My boyfriend is impressed with my period and that feels realllly damn great! I have this image in my head, if I told me parents, hey, screw engr, im doing engl or something, I can just see the smiles disinigrate! I am soooo good at my job but i need this damn theory to get to do it permanently. These are the days of your life you'll remember they say, and I can't seem to get through one. Part of me knows this is pride fun and sick that I'm so miserable and it goes completely against my deterministic belief if something isn't right, you have the moral obligation to make it better. I do. I can. But I'm not.

Now if that's not more depressing news that getting a bad grade, than I don't know what is. Maybe not doing something about doing something wrong for me.

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Friday, February 6, 2004

1:33PM - Everyone's problems

Well, today is a blah day for me.. and many others. It's cold and quite stolid outside. I am not usually a pessimist but I am very mistrusting (if there is some noticeable difference there?). Today feel like one of those days I'm not on the same planet as everyone else. I read a friend of mine's Blogspot about him trying to finish a procrastinated paper but instead he was thinking about all the other things he wanted and needed to do. Well, ended up he had a memorable night despite the normal worrysome inclination to do the expected. Well, I had somewhat the similar experience today. Last class, I sat there, while doing a sample problem thinking.. why did I honestly ever choose my career path to be this? As I sit here writing, wanting nothing more than to never stop writing, I wonder why I didn't choose english or communication or something that would allow self-expression. Well it's quiet simple. I'm prideful. Be that as it may, it's a consuming thing. If someone said that they tought I was "spoiled, self-involved" I'd definitely say no. Well knowing that I just may be. But, If someone called me prideful, I'd say "no" completely backing my statement. But, as I sit here, It's all about my pride keeping me from attaining a career I'm passionate about for money sake.

We were on the Moon in 1972. The American people and the media got bored with it, zeroed out the budgets, fired all the engineers, took a cutting torch to the technology and hauled it all away to museums and scrap yards. History is waving a big red flag about the wisdom of first going to the Moon and ***THEN*** going to Mars. There will be no "THEN".

I found this random quote but interesting because it kinda sums up my feeling for today. I have class in 10 minutes. I'm going to go and enjoy this class. Because it is an english class about evaluating rhetoric. Fascinating! But, I go because I am expected as a student and complying member of society to be there. Be square. As cheesy as it sounds.. our mapped out indifference is an accepted norm we all march in step to.

"Pride is an admission of weakness; it secretly fears all competition and dreads all rivals."
-- Fulton J. Sheen

Stepping to the beat of someone else's drummer for today.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2004

11:00AM - Reinventing the inevitable

At 8 am when the world around me has been up for hours raoming the cities and streets to make something of themselves, I am just waking up. Not only in the physical sense but more importantly the elevated mental. The first thing you see when you open your eyes in the morning is the ceiling. If that's any indication of how we live out lives, I'm living outside! These past 5 years (and counting) in college have really tested my knowledge as expected, but it has also tested my personal strength and ability to become... me, for lack of a better word.

I can’t say I'm new at the whole on-line diary thing, but I can say that I'm new to the whole "being open" with the whole internet-world! As I'm sure everyone says, I do write to get things out for therapy sake; but I really write these things to realize things about myself that I normally do not see. I would like to think that I re-invent myself everyday while refining the inevitable me. I’ve come to the realization that a lot of times we lie to ourselves. We say that we’re confident when we’re really scared, or that we are “Fine” when we are really hurting. Not only do we convince others that we have control of our predetermined destination, but we cower behind fictitious bravery that only makes us have less control.

This all comes about from last night. I hate being one of those girls who always has no life outside her boyfriend. I do have a life outside of my boyfriend (reminder: Read above). Last night we fought ultimatemly because of a smile. You would think that smiling would create an effervescent atmosphere but instead it just caused unnecessary complication. I don’t know what’s scarier: Creating the image of you to yourself or someone being able to build you better than what you created. It scared me last night that my boyfriend, Chris, sat there and told me everything I do when I’m happy, sad, “perturbed,” hurt, anger, frustrated. You know it’s the big time when someone knows every move you make. I honestly, in a way, felt hurt that the unpredictable me was so predictable. Mixed with the present shock that someone knew me so well, was I really just a bunch of predictated actions to routine situations? So, point being, this is the raw, uncensored, Girls Gone Wild version (just not as un-pornish) version of the inevitable me. You you read it what you get whether I offend my best friend and love my enemy, clean slate number 1,535,723.....

Current mood: awake
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