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Blurty for Ernie.
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004 |
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i am such a little shit these days. now THERE'S big news. been ranting about how much i hate girls. in particular, clingy girls who want to speak out of the best of intentions. but maybe their timing is just so bad, i should learn to give people the benefit of the doubt. though you must admit, my doubts are engulfing and very threatening. lil ravini is in town and i forgot by now whose idea it was to get her a special birthday present since she's never here for her birthday. but girls being flighty (my apologies, non-flighty chicks) came up with lines like - "i work", "i'm terrible at this" and otherwise other such believable excuses. so i took it upon myself to go in search of the perfect techie present all yesterday afternoon. will not go into details because it's bound to enrage me further and will probably not be of interest to most of you unless you know me. but at the end of the hunt, i went home with no present and a throbbing head. and i'm not even a guy, so the latter doesn't bring me joy. eejit girls and their nonchalance. another one of the female species wants to use me as an interviewee for her school project. and is desperately trying to get me to rearrange my schedule to fit her. oh, maybe that's abit unfair. it's just that i hardly get any time to myself these days so more often than not, i don't feel like being nice/sociable/accomodating. unless i get an orgasm or two during the process, haha. expectant sigh.... tomorrow is my day. so begone desperate friends and otherwise difficult females. i have jolie and the law to contend with. |
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| Saturday, September 11th, 2004 |
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been a week of being polite to sales people so i can lug home bagfuls of home decor items for my articles. it's tough since not very many of them know the meaning of civility to other breathing things, let alone customers. encountered one particularly catty specimen who snidely spat out a "we have customers too" as i was walking away. if i wasn't still wheezing from the asthma, i would jam my inhaler up her nostrils. but those things cost money. gone to the doc's again and this time, it was another one who sat particularly close to me. can doctors get overly familiar? am i that starved for human affection i've forgotten how another person's touch feels? don't answer that. honesty got the better of me and i told the object of my blossoming new friendship that i am, in fact, "attached". i could've made so, so many comments on his innocently sweet question but i refrained. sometimes i even amaze myself. alas, our interactions have been much affected by my admission (of guilt) and he's appearing to distance himself. what can i say? i scare little boys. heck, i scare ALL boys. |
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| Friday, September 3rd, 2004 |
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i have these moments. when i don't want to wallow, but a perverse need just sucks me into feeling sorry for myself and it's like a comforter. a fluffy comforter on a winter night, which i should admittedly know nothing about - living where i live. been battling "the questioning/confrontational" urge for two days now. was doing very well til i got hit by the need to find out what the fuck he meant by saying he was happy we're back in each other's lives, then taking it all back. you've.been.so.needy. well fuckwit read this slowly to yourself a few times: i.don't.want.to.fuck.you.cos.the.very.th my new FB has been tuning into all this negativity and he doesn't even have to since it was an MSN conversation and his dick wasn't inside me. bless his kind heart. feels cathartic to unload on someone who can form their opinions of him based on my stories. horribly one-sided, but cathartic. been wheezing all week long, thanks to various asthma attacks. hurts to even type out the word now. my inhaler is at hand all the time, right next to the tool under my pillow, haha. did i mention that i've made a new friend this week: very sweet, young and did i mention, cute as a button? such a breath of fresh air considering the messages that have been popping up from various thick/sick-os. i shouldn't be such a pompous, know-it-all, arrogant beeyatch,but NO ONE, BUT NO ONE gets me here in the spore. tis my fate to never make any more new friends here. |
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| Friday, August 27th, 2004 |
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aww blurty, how i miss thee. and sarge too, wherever you are. will you ever entertain me, asks presumptious me. ignore the previous entry, darlings. it was a temporary lapse in judgement. i'm in too good a mood this week, even with fuckwits re-emerging in the cesspool known as friendster. he's a blemish on my page. i will squeeze this pimple and apply my fave origins spot remover. squeeze, dab, repeat. come on, ask me why i'm in a good mood! ah'll tell ya anyway. in this past week, i've managed to squeeze (hah) in (double hah) at least five orgasms in one session. imagine the mathematical possiblities if i had time for more sessions...mindless sex, it makes me want to write sonnets, but i'm too sore. just last saturday, watching unfaithful on free cable (wahoo!) made me sob in recognition of the lies, the hiding, the adrenaline rush of an affair. but today, i've turned into the diane lane character who smiles quietly at the memory of hotboy martinez going down on her, then bursts into full blown flushes and maniacal laughs as she remembers her orgasm. i rub the bump on my head (the headboard, of course) and giggle. so moral of the story? don't be too quick to dismiss that crazy bag lady who laughs at nothing. she might be reliving a particularly hot session. egads. in SG news - we're talking again, which i enjoy tremendously. it's all i can allow myself right now, which i suspect is all he's letting himself in for too. but it's a comfort to once again have him on my mind at odd moments: hearing his favourite whiny rock song, when a particularly nasal accent wafts my way. lil ravini is right: i've always been fond of him. no actually, i've been mad about him for a long time. you never fail to make me smile, deviant. what a talent. |
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| Friday, July 23rd, 2004 |
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i've been obssessed with the phrase "broken smile" all day now and it's all the fault of that bloody maroon 5. raise your hands if you believe in first loves. anyone, anyone? raise your hands again if you think fate throws people together again and again? no one? i've never been a fan of either and a believer of none (of the above) and yet today, i've had to reassess my cynical ideals. how many times can you love the same person, even if they've trampled on your heart, your self esteem and dashed (the brains) your hopes? can you carry someone in your heart wherever you go, even if they've hurt you in a vicious, cowardly way? does one kiss sometimes erase every sobbing minute, fade every make-believe wound and make you long for the one again? when you fall back into the arms of one who leaves you, can you fool yourself into loving him again? more importantly, can you delude yourself into thinking HE will love you again? who the hell was i kidding?! there's only room for one angel in my life and calling someone else by the same dumb names doesn't turn them into the one who has my heart and won't return it. it's so tempting to make someone new mould into what was. but i was never one to resist temptation anyway. i came (heh) so close to loving him, i know he wanted me to come get him. that phrase is making the tears well up again. we had our own code words, didn't we? why did we think we were invincible to the world? couldn't anyone touch what we had, how much we loved one another? what made US so fuckin special that we grew complacent? love, passion, libidos - they all fade or wane, at least. you were my first love. didn't we teach each other so many naughty things, bring out new emotions each time we meet? didn't your t-shirts fit me, don't we wear each other well? do the demons of sleep cower in fear when we slumber together? i never have naps anymore now, my love. if you hold me again or breathe in my ear, i want someone to stab me please. let me die with that last memory of you. let me die knowing i loved well even if you were using me. |
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| Thursday, July 15th, 2004 |
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ahhh...sometimes i kill me. just laughed out loud at that subject line, which makes absofuckinlutely no sense unless you're right here with me. now. i have spent too much time thinking about SG, even in the midst of moving and unpacking, which is a bitch unto itself. who could do this for a living: trying to fit odd-sized (hahahaha) items into many boxes galore, then digging them out again once you get to your destination. i never knew i had so much rubbish and as fast as i dumped, they piled on up again. i believe it lives. and now back to one of my wastes of time: it's obvious that being oblivious is pretty much a full-time occupation for this boy. i wonder if his other women are anywhere near as um, living and breathing as me. okay, fairly speaking (and i am never diplomatic), perhaps i do expect when i shouldn't. what has transpired except a few phone sex sessions and numerous breathy promises to meet. rustle me up some grub, cowboy. on work news, i now have classes on wednesdays, fridays and most of saturdays. although the money is a mere slice of what i used to earn, i'm starting to enjoy all this time i have to do what i will with. you know what i mean. all i need is to gather a few more suckers willing to unleash me onto their children. and if anyone would like to read my ramblings for a fee, that would be welcome too. which reminds me, i have some waffling to do soon. |
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| Tuesday, June 15th, 2004 |
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i may divulge my age here if i say i was listening (accidentally, of course) to cutting crew's "i've been in love before" and suddenly, i hit a memory spot. "the hardest part is when you're in it"... tell me that's not something you've agreed with at one point or another. over the weekend, i chatted with someone i very nearly had a torrid affair with (if not for the fact that he's too damn moralistic) and we both agreed that for me to be attracted to a boy, he has to be halfway dim. and this dimness is mutually exclusive to hotness. think of it as the "ernie meets another moron" equation. even i can solve this one without cheating. for those NOT HERE, the arts fest is drawing to a close and unfortunately, this year i only managed to catch one performance. but boy, was it one performance worth being a part of: the count basie orchestra which is touted as the "swingingest" band in the world. it more than lived up to my expectations, which were unusually high considering it was a saturday night that i was dressed and bling-ed up for. no complaints here for once. does anyone else but me think that even though jamie oliver has chubbied up abit, he's still yummy when he cooks? or is this my libido on an empty stomach talking? after 45 minutes of cardio and no food, it may be time to heat up last night's leftovers, methinks. healthy.... |
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| Thursday, June 3rd, 2004 |
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memories. bah! what good has it ever served me, save for the times when i need to remember where i can pee in the middle of the night? (or is that not memory, but a night vision instinct?) just came outta eternal sunshine. that would be the jim carrey movie. which i've been dying to watch since i first read about it and although my butt hurts from sitting all day from a movie marathon, it's worth every numb spot. i've wanted to erase so many people from my mind, so much that i think i may have a list of sorts if you ask. of course FW would top the list, but you're not asking so i'll go back to talking about the movie. not being a jim carrey or winslet fan helps because i walked in expecting half-baked characters or at the very best, "cute-acting". i think i was more moved by the premise of erasing memories, rather than how well those two acted because frankly, all they did was be a loving couple, than yell "fuck" at each other for abit, then spend some more time running away from the memory erasers. oops, did i give it away? something surprising happened yesterday: i dunno if jackass received my text message, but he suddenly appeared to talk to me. so i'm surmising that he didn't or maybe he did, but thought i didn't mean it. or maybe he really is that much of a dumbass. i specialise in falling for those, did i mention? i made myself proud by being cool. maybe he'll get the message, but truth be told, dammit i did miss him and i have been thinking about him these days. fuckin memory, i tell ya. in fuck buddy news...i've met the fat and old prospect i so kindly mentioned in the past entry. and it's obvious there's no chemistry whatsoever. well, not on my part anyway. as much time has lapsed since the last time i saw the beast with two heads, i think i can still see straight not to give time up for this one. i'm going. the dipstick next to me at this internet place has annoyed me too long with his hacking up a lung. i wish he really would hack up a lung. til later... |
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| Friday, May 21st, 2004 |
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victory is mine. i did the long-awaited deed. the to-do on my list that should've been done months ago: last night, i finally told SG that i'm not too enamoured with the thought of waiting around for him to get in touch. well, actually, i said i've done all i could or something to that effect. which is more polite than what i originaly intended but sometimes sarcasm doesn't rear its pretty head too well through text messaging. and to be brutally honest, wit would've been wasted on someone of that order anyway. so there we go. i'm pleased as punch, as the saying goes. not getting very far with a possible fuck buddy, but after seeing what he looks like, i don't think i should start something i don't want to continue. they call it coitus interruptus, eh? i don't want to avert my face so i don't have to inhale him (from the pictures, i imagine he'd smell bad) or grit my teeth and put brad's face over his. or brad's gained-10-pounds-for-troy body, for that matter. that would be disrespectful, even for me. my time here is up, loves. someone please congratulate me for SG. |
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| Tuesday, May 11th, 2004 |
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that's a pleasurable task, that. never mind if you don't understand that. for those who still love me after i've disappeared on and off blurty and msn, here's what's been happening to my life since: * i'm now officially a "freelance writer"...horrors. i've been writing for a magazine that prides itself on excluding people like me from their mailing list ie: i don't earn enough or buy enough designer furniture. but sweet irony that they're paying me for coming up with waffle, haha. * still trying to tame a class of eight-year-olds so they can learn some drama and practice some speech. i do that once a week but am trying to get more gigs, obviously * as of next week, i'm also coaching some teenagers on the simpler points of radio presenting, bearing in mind that their own radio station has no cd's to play. i'm in shit, but it's to help a buddy out * i may end up being an "editorial consultant" by the end of this week. someone's starting up another parenting magazine (people must be breeding. people other than me. which is a load of my ovaries, frankly) FOR THOSE SICK OF ALL THE "s THAT I'VE BEEN USING, TOUGH SHIT. and that, dear readers, is what's been keeping me awake in the day: research, writing, compiling and trying to read unrelated materials (VF, classics on my reading list, etc) in the late afternoon. with this, i bid you adieu for the next few days. |
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004 |
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you cost me: financially - when i think of all the unecessaries i could've bought instead of amassing phone bills littered with your number emotionally - i could use the salt i shed for cooking my pride IT'S ABOUT TIME THE FUCKIN BUDGET NEEDS A RELOOK. in the meantime... go sort your own life out, then maybe get back to me. and keep that pecker in your pants before the world's population gets affected. |
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004 |
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it feels like an updating moment. strangely enough, for the first time in what feels like months (and IS months), i'm at peace with not being suitably employed. possibly because i spent the whole day doing fuck all and had to answer to no one. i DID so some work though - research for an article i'm writing, but that took all of 20 minutes and the rest of the day was spent having a long lunch, watching starsky and hutch (long overdue, that) and trying to spend a little more than $188 in a department store. that one's a long story which i will save for people who care and want to know. i think i really like the fact that i can go on vacation - "what, you need a break from waking up late and walking around in your nightie all day?" - anytime i want. there's talk about a road trip later this year and i'm planning to go back to las vegas maybe. or LA. there are too many travel ideas floating about in my head that the fact i need to earn money for airtickets seem to have taken a back seat. had two separate close encounters of the calling-up-shitheads variety. but i rose above it and shall now take a shower to wash the friday evening rush hour smells of me. yum..... |
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| Thursday, April 15th, 2004 |
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when i last spoke, it was horrifyingly noisy but now i've managed to find a place so quiet, my ears are ringing. who would've thought such peaceful surroundings would exist on our humid isle? but it does and it's called "the library just as it opens in the morning". alas, i've joined the hoardes who queue up anticipating the doors to swing/slide/swoosh open at 10 every morning. but i feel i must qualify that this is due to an article someone's asked me to do for them and i want to do a good job. because it may open the doors (there's that metaphor again) for future money-making opportunities. no, i'm not ashamed to say i've become a media whore. but then again, i always have been. unsettling dream last night - i could clearly see myself about to copulate with someone i wouldn't normally (in real-life daytime) be interested in. have my subconscious standards dropped so low? however, in the harsh daylight, it comforts me to know that even in my dreams i seeked protection. good on me. at least, the dream ended with the sex process delayed and me on the phone with tim, analyzing life's injustice. i miss the little twerp. while on the subject of shitheads, i tried calling someone again this morning. but i'm glad i wasted a few cents on a call that didn't go through cos great lord lucifer would know what i would say if we did get connected. probably "i thought of you". oh fuck me, that's past pathetic. my savings have completely dwindled to the hundreds now and i'm desperately looking for ways to supplement my income. numerous visits to the doctor doesn't help either, but one must have one's antibiotics. nothing like having horrid-smelling pee to make you feel better. this weekend, i'm sitting/standing in for another trainer with the english enrichment centre i've signed up with. so that would make $90 worth of screaming kids. i say nothing more. |
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| Tuesday, April 13th, 2004 |
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oh my poor ole blurty. how ye have been abandoned. and this suck-ass keyboard that i'm using here at this suckass computer place isn't about to help the creative process either. have been on serious medications - woohoo - for the past 2 weeks. a cold has escalated into asthma attacks and is now well into a sinus infection which has paralyzed the right side of my face. and now as i'm trying to be creative and think about all the emotional turmoil that's been going through my head these days, someone comes with a wailing baby and sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME. fuck this shit, damn breeders. i'm getting my tubes tied. |
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004 |
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| screw you, i didn't like your taste anyway. | ||||||||
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| Tuesday, March 16th, 2004 |
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i find it too ironic that one can miss a person you've never met before. we keep missing each other online and i never seem to get any replies to my half-witted attempts at communicaton. disconcertingly, i've recently had a dream where i receive this giant package from him (not THAT sort of package, boys). like a care package of cookies and a little TV, books and other items which ought to remind me of him. he said it was a way of making sure i don't forget "who calls you angel". dammit. am getting desperate enough to scrutinise the little want ads in the papers: you know the ones that call for "temporary promoters", "waiting for results", "no experience needed". i should be appalled at this behaviour, but i don't care much now with the penniless situation being what it is. |
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| Thursday, March 11th, 2004 |
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still no callbacks or even a glimmer of interest. much like my sexlife, really. but you lot wouldn't want to know about all that now, would you? am getting very close to making a pathetic excuse of myself - through pursuing one who doesn't seem to relish the idea of being in touch. i'm beginning to think men use technology as an excuse to get out of face-to-face confrontations. especially those of the emotional variety. just once, i would give up my firstborn to find one male who comes right out (not that way, there have been too many of that in my life) to pointedly tell me that he doesn't care, would i please get the hell away from him. oh sure, it hurts like a bitch at first, but i would far rather not dance the simpering fool tango with a boy who can't hear the music. got my final cheque today, i'm officially without financial means now. unless i sell myself of course, but that's one option i doubt the world is ready for. enjoying the fact that i can read in bed in the middle of the afternoon, but soon, will panic about pending credit card bills. does anyone need a freelance writer? domestic bitching partner? toe licker? |
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| Monday, March 8th, 2004 |
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this is me. and no, i haven't forgotten about long-ignored blurty. just that with last minute holidays and moves from one part of the island to the next, one tends to push back much-needed self-entertainment. and yes, i mean THAT, too. i've effectively unpacked the essentials but refuse to get everything out of their boxes since this all has to be done again in 3-4 months' time. it's all too complicated to get into in a limited access time. yes, i don't have full internet access all the time either too, so i have to depend of the kindness of internet cafes. still on the lookout for anything that would pay me to be my usual charming, witty self without much effort to be nice to inept morons. should be a lifelong search, that. no word from idiot men who should be missing me. my conscience is clear though - i've tried getting in touch but if you're not around for me to lavish attention on, then one has to move ahead with life, eh? |
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004 |
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listening to crowded house's fall at your feet always makes me literally want to do that - crumble into a pile of self-pity. i fell in love with FW to this song; in fact our entire affair/fling/thing was set to a kaleidoscope of music. songs to have a crush on someone to, songs to realise the other person feels the same way, songs to resist falling in love, songs to play during sweaty sexy afternoons. it feels strangely like a "reminder of FW" conspiracy, what with idiot friends who ask after his member and half-baked attempts at self-publicity. we live in too small an island. and yes, i realise (UK - 1) how redundant that last statement was and i don't care. i've received emails from botox asking me to please tell the alleged new editor (whom we call ramrod due to her inability to swing her arms while walking) everything she needs to know before i leave. in other words, in this handover i am to give her ALL my contacts, ALL my files, everything i've gathered on my own but will now have to meekly give up in order to make someone's life really easy. go blow it up your arse. or dya need to extract your head outta there first? |
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2004 |
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it takes something like FW's appearing in a local magazine for me to realise how shitty some people i call friends can be. i'd been told about his exalted appearance so i wasn't very keen to get feedback from the public who knew about us. saturday morning and i get a text from a gay friend who asks if it really is FW. i reply with a disinterested "yes, what of it?". to which came the comment "he's really cute" followed rapidly with "how on earth did you get such a hot piece of meat?" now tell me if i'm wrong to be COMPLETELY FURIOUS AND INSULTED with such an offhand remark. so what if you don't like or have never appreciated women sexually? does that give rise to such a hurtful comment that you know will graze one of your nearest? i thought i was being clever and could shut him up when i replied "by being me, some men like that". but nooooo....i suppose sms doesn't quite convey my vitroil because he proceeded to wonder aloud if he was good in bed and was he of a sizeable size. (quite because consideration counts for alot and like a sick hamster, if you're wondering) i haven't spoken to said gay friend since. better to take my leave of the situation because i'm sure i will blow up for good if we meet soon. funnily enough, cheryl suddenly says "lucky for him you forgive easily!" |
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Blurty for Ernie.
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cranky.
exhausted.
cheerful.
melancholy.
accomplished.
apathetic.
complacent.