Thursday, December 4th, 2008

before_dawn Time: 2:55 pm. Mood: cheerful.

Goddess Work: Living Christmas Tree (a tiny tabletop pine tree) it's so cute! It's kind of naked on the buffet in the parlor of our building. A glittery red fake poinsettia garland with crystal balls enshrines our tree. Butterflies made from red, blue, silver, black, and fuchsia come next. Big giant lavendar and purple balls will go to Tessa's house (too big for our little tree). Oh and a happy Christmasy story, my "check engine" light came on this morning driving to work. I always panic since I know nothing about cars and neither does Rodney. My ex husband knew enough to get us into deep shit all the time because he'd try to DIY the car. Thankfully, I brought my car to this awesome little shop that is near my office and I'd found it on Yelp. The guys who own it do it for passion and love and they hardly charge me anything and never cheat me. I mean, they'll practically do oil and light changes for free *can you believe that shit?* and the admin/secretary woman drives me to work and back to the shop for free (in her stylin' convertible BMW). ok, so this morning they fixed it for free (again). Said it's possibly the catalytic converter but I recently bought a new one, and they told me it's state law that there's a 5-year warranty on those things and if the other shop who sold it to me doesn't honor the warranty then they'll help me out!! YAY!! but let's keep watching the gauges for now and see if it acts up again before I take it for a total check-up. ~sigh~ relief.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

giish Subject: stars are out Time: 3:04 pm. Mood: cold. Music: I think it's an Adam Sandler Christmas song on Musak.

I like to think there are certain things I can put up with. Actually, since moving here I've found that my tolerance for waiting and patience has risen dramatically. Where I used to fuss and get cranky at power outages, I now merely shrug and light some candles. It's nice that my candles are both pretty and functional. And I mean that in a completely non-Martha Stewart way. But today has been an odd day. It's been the kind of day where you get good news, and lots of it, but it's like double edged in disappointment in some way. For instance, when I heard from my supervisor that I can now take the time off as planned in December to go home for Christmas, I was happy. But not so happy when I realised I would have to change the plane tickets *back* to their original dates at an added cost of 500 dollars. Then, a job I had applied for (read: dream job) with no real hope of actually getting in for an interview. I don't mean that in a low self-esteem way, just being realistic as there are tons of people way more qualified than I am to take that position. In any event, I get a message and an email asking that I take part in the 2nd round of the interview process. I'm happy, and excited. So I call the guy back, then he tells me that yes there is a large pool of qualified applicants in the B.C area already from which they will likely hire someone, but that he would like for me to participate (if I still wanted to) to see where it went. So, I get to partake, but only until I get shot down in one of the rounds of the interview. Cool, but you kinda see where that is going :) I took this the other night. A paper lantern that I have hanging in my living room. Like some kind of bohemian love-nest. Yeah. Right. But no fear, dear beauties, I still have my cranky side. I've spent so much time on the phone with the airlines, that the operator I'm talking to is now familiar with my sighs andmoans of frustration. I don't understand, so early in the season *why* it's so difficult for them to put together the itinerary I had...from FOUR days ago. I'm still on hold. ugh.

Comments: 1 tried to - appease my failing soul.

asere Subject: prophesy Time: 10:54 am.

his anger will be the death of him, just as jealousy was hers.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

blurtysecret Posted by: cuzimkylieduh. Time: 10:47 pm.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 6:56 pm.

Why is that it seems the people who aren't supposed to judge you make you feel the worst about yourself? the "so-called" Christians! When did we forget what it really meant to follow Christ? Because I feel more and more like you are all in show performing for each other, who can be the most perfect!? Don't ask questions or make mistakes! Or your obviously not a good person. Durrr.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

sunshower Time: 11:26 am.

and now that the 4-day weekend/birthday celebration has finally drawn to a close, it is now time to face the truth. that i'll be hitting the big 3-0 in less than a year. t-363 days... and counting...

Comments: appease my failing soul.

piratess Time: 6:42 pm.

Speed.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

thepunslinger Time: 10:18 am.

break was either too long or too short, it's hard to tell. either way i do not feel ready to go back to work and classes. heinously hormonal today, so i feel fat and bloated and tired and ready to cry and it's not even 10.30. breathe deep. it's ok. did a little yoga for two minutes before i left for work, and i forgot how much it can help. i just need to keep doing it throughout the day, and unfortunately taking a break from class to do bridge pose is not yet socially or academically acceptable. damn gina my cuticles are in terrible shape. the deadline for scripts for next semester's student theater festival is this friday, so i'm aiming for that to be a rough due date for the play that i'm writing to be finished, although i don't think it will be in good enough shape to actually submit by then. i just want to be very clean and very quiet, inside and out, like cold water. but somehow i can't get the focus.

Comments: 2 tried to - appease my failing soul.

teh_love Subject: so what has john green taught me? Time: 10:34 pm. Music: temporary - Rogue Wave.

that he sees into my soul? I have the fate of one of three options. margo roth spiegleman: a character, truly. run away, find somewhere obscure. Lindsey: coming from a small town different around different people has a hideout spot turns out ok, with the help of an awesome perfect boyfriend! Alaska Young: great shows her sadness tragedy in life kills herself. this is great.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

teh_love Time: 10:30 pm. Music: Cheaper Than Therapy - Rogue Wave.

i can't even fucking finish surveys anymore.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 8:01 pm.

It's funny, rereading some of these old journal entries, here and some I have on paper, I look at the words and they feel foreign, forgotten. It's like someone else wrote these words, someone else had these feelings, not I.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 7:59 pm.

I want to help you. Show me how.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

piratess Time: 5:31 pm.

Yeah. For running on no sleep and little food, I don't really feel like relaxing. Beer and cigarettes. God I am so easily addicted to feeling better for a few hours.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

piratess Time: 5:15 pm.

Bailed John out of jail. $1500. Bought a 24 pack of Lone Star in the morning. Didn't eat shit. Picked up John. Drank. Hit the pipe. Eventually went to bed a few hours before the alarm was to go off. No sleep. Just ended up fucking and talked. I couldn't get off and he couldn't keep it hard. No big deal. Hung with his kid today. It was sooo different from anything I've ever done. Her mom likes me and that is what matters. My mom still doesn't know that I'm in the state.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 3:08 pm.

We know it's not right to treat anyone else like that, (What's wrong with you, can't you do anything?) When did it become ok to do it to yourself? (You will never amount to anything.)

Comments: appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 3:04 pm.

There was a time when she would do anything for you. What happened? Did you just stop noticing? Or did she just give up on you?

Comments: appease my failing soul.

betterxtogether Time: 1:10 am.

A girl calls and asks, 'Does it hurt very much to die?' Well, sweetheart, I tell her, yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living

Comments: appease my failing soul.

betterxtogether Time: 9:45 pm.

Now, you make sure he knows that your curfew is eleven and honey? I know that sort of things that happen on prom night Just remember 'We all die alone'

Comments: 2 tried to - appease my failing soul.

asere Subject: Disturbed Time: 6:22 am.

"Inside The Fire" Devin Won't go to heaven She's just another lost soul, About to be mine again Leave her we will receive her It is beyond your control will you ever meet again Devin One of eleven Who had been rendered unwhole As a little child, she was taken and then forsaken you will remember it all Let it fill your mind again [Chorus:] Devin lies beyond this portal take the word of one immortal Give your soul to me For eternity release your life to begin another time with her End your grief with me there's another way release your life take your place inside the fire with her Sever Now and forever you're just another lost soul about to be mine again see her, you'll never free her you must surrender it all If you'd like to meet again Fire For your desire As she begins to turn cold for the final time you will shiver till you deliver you will remember it all Let it fill your mind again [Chorus] Give your soul to me For eternity release your life to begin another time with her End your grief with me there's another way release your life take your place inside the fire with her Devin No longer living Who had been rendered unwhole As a little child she was taken, and then forsaken you will remember it all Let it fill your mind again

Comments: appease my failing soul.

blurtysecret Subject: fear Posted by: __iloveyou__. Time: 11:09 pm. Mood: awake.

I have horrible thoughts when i wake up, when i go to bed, when i see the people i love. I see them dying, i see myself hurting their feelings, i see them feeling sad cause of what i said. I see them hating me. I feel bad when people eat food. I feel bad for people i don't know. I see horrible things happening to me. I see myself ripping my ribs out because they are so close to my skin, I see myself killing people, I see myself hurting my cat, i see myself acting out on impulse, i see myself screaming, i get angry out of no where, I'm annoyed to the point i want to scream and punch someone in the face. I always want to punch someone in the face. I see people being cut, i see people being shot, i see people dying. I'm always in pain. My knees hurt, my neck hurts, my head hurts, my abdominal and stomach always hurt, my back hurts, i get shooting pains up my arms. It hurts to pee, it hurts to have sex, i have a bump inside of me. I wake up some mornings so sensitive that i can barely touch my stomach or rub my hands over my arms. I live a life full of pain. I beg my mom for pain killers, i beg for any kind of relief from the pain. I take muscle relaxers every night to stop the pain and to stop the thoughts. I get so angry all the time, I get so mad that i can barely stand to be awake, i shake with anger and i want to hit the person near me. I cant stand how people act, i dont want to be around immature or dumb people. I don't' want to be talked to like im a 5 year old. When i was a kid i use to put red paint on me and tell my mom i was hurt to see if she would believe me, she never did. I don't know why i did it. I get so happy at one moment, and so sad or angry at the next. I cry and then i get annoyed if someone else cries. I would rather be alone at school then be with people. i am fully happy with my life, and who i am. I have a boyfriend, I have a family, and I have a bestfriend. I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anyone. i am happy, I'm not sucidal, i've been having these thoughts as long as i remeber. but i don't want to live like this forever. it feels like I'm living a life in a movie when it happens. Because it doesn't actually happen for real.

Comments: 2 tried to - appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 12:49 pm.

you chose to deal with it. i chose to walk away. i had to walk away. please understand.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

discogranny Time: 5:52 pm.

sort less stone vessels that form heed to the negative life, pretend, that where the sun is not hollow, as the earth bellow, the shadows of each shall fall like snow and have their will to set up satire, seemingly creating each others surrealism through out which, your this winking body extending from geometric license falsely regarding itself as one conviction and all while determining your own reality the interpretation of a dead infliction bares witness to value am i like the shadow do i appear and disappear from a formation with no acknowledgment where nothing means you're anything but the letters it uses it chooses to be chosen by the roads of missed existence and if my nothing were my anything it would be my wind looking like the prints of sin in the back of my mind... give me the unresisting nothing that was so faked mistaken as me and as the same, which pleads to be nothings anything, and the same shape as disappearing the dust is left the dust is wrong but the shadows of it are us i despise the setting sun for when it rises, it reminds us the unknown, unforgiving star is behind must that will be us and will disestablish distance

Comments: appease my failing soul.

discogranny Subject: Report says... Time: 5:47 pm.

toxins in the items, sicken 25 percent, living next door to emptiness

Comments: appease my failing soul.

softersin Time: 3:39 pm.

I am so inspired. I am so amazed. I feel like generosity is truly divine. It's like what we were always meant to be doing, the kind of thing we should spend our time doing instead of beingso focused on ourselves.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

thefool Time: 1:24 pm.

Live and love like there’s no tomorrow. Each day can be the last. No more regrets.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

blurtysecret Posted by: deepxtrouble. Time: 4:58 pm.

Comments: 6 tried to - appease my failing soul.

blurtysecret Posted by: violentred. Time: 10:29 am.

I can always rely on my yahoo comics to put a smile on my face every morning, even if only for a few seconds....

Comments: appease my failing soul.

thepunslinger Time: 1:48 am.

melancholy, for no particular reason. ok, that's a lie. for a particular reason. just not a good one. i'm very tired of the way things are.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

teh_love Subject: it's been so long! Time: 10:37 pm. Music: Wanna Be Starting Something - Michael Jackson.

[ONE] Who was your last text from? megan. ugh [TWO] Where was your default pic taken? my room or the beach or camp [THREE] Your relationship status? single and fingle [FOUR] Have you ever lost a close friend? to WoW [FIVE] What is your current mood? ummm anxious? [SIX] Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names? andrew/liz [EIGHT]Where do you wish you were right now? oregon? boulder creek? anywhere but here? [NINE] Have a crazy side? haha the only onee [TEN]Ever had a near death experience? nope [ELEVEN] Something you do a lot? laugh. definitely [TWELVE] Angry at anyone? kinda. whatever [THIRTEEN] What's stopping you from going for the person you like? UGH OKAY I DON' TEVEN KNOW i think actually like it might really turn into something i'm just waiting. like it's at that stage, y'know? I actually really like him. he's straight up handsome [FOURTEEN] When was the last time you cried? today laughing. at gabe of course. [FIFTEEN] Is there anyone you would do anything for? yes. [SIXTEEN] Who do you think about when you are falling asleep? haha i don't even know. lately i read a lot so basically nothing at that point. [SEVENTEEN]Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? ummmm madre liz called me on my bday! [EIGHTEEN] What is your favorite song? nothing right now. i like lots of things i looove npsh [NINETEEN] What are you doing right now? this. should be doing history hw [TWENTY] Who do you trust right now? GOOD QUESTION DUDE campfam. too bad about nicole [TWENTY-ONE] Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? birthday. technically AE [TWENTY-TWO]Have you kissed someone in the past week? naw. on the cheek and all that. [TWENTY-THREE] Who is your friend that lives closest to you? big bri! [TWENTY-FOUR] Describe your life in one word? hmmm complex. [TWENTY-FIVE] Who are you thinking of right now? amol and michael jackson and prince ahaha good trio [TWENTY-SIX] What should you be doing right now? homework. duhh. or sleeping. [TWENTY-SEVEN] What are you listening to? mj [TWENTY-EIGHT] Who was the last person who gave you a hug? padre. [TWENTY-NINE] Who was the last person who yelled at you? idkkk [THIRTY] Do you act differently around the person you like? i try not to. but he makes me really happy. [THIRTY-ONE] What is your natural hair color? brownnn with red and pretty shit. a mi me gusta mi pelo [THIRTY-TWO] Who was the last person to make you laugh? ummmm dkdod catherine via bumper sticker other than that aurora bo burnham [THIRTY-THREE] Who was the last person to make you sad? megan. no that was just angry. idk mom? [THIRTY-FOUR] What do you hear? white stripes. hmm i think now the blow. aw [THIRTY-FIVE] Is your hair curly or straight? straight as daxflame. [THIRTY-SIX] Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before? haha i wish [THIRTY-SEVEN] Do you have a best friend? nope [THIRTY-EIGHT] Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days? haha of course. shaneybaby [THIRTY-NINE] Do you use smiley faces on the computer? eew it feels creepy [FORTY] Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? dude erryday. jk but yes. [FORTY-ONE] Are you happy with life right now? no [FORTY-TWO] Are you currently jealous? not really? [FORTY-THREE] What jewelry are you currently wearing? none. fship bracelets. [FORTY-FOUR] What were you doing Friday night? HAHA nothing much [FORTY-FIVE] Have you ever had your heart broken? nosireebob [FORTY-SIX] Have you ever broken someone's heart? ummm i don't think so. [FORTY-SEVEN] Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? quite [FORTY-EIGHT] What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? umumum over the summer? for like DEATH [FORTY-NINE] How late did you stay up last night and why? late. don't even ask. [FIFTY]Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? haha not so much

Comments: appease my failing soul.

sunshower Time: 4:55 pm.

the strongest and most painful thought coming from a break-up with someone you truly cared for: am i that easy to leave and forget? i find myself a bit more emotionally steady lately, but sometimes when i expect it the least, this thought comes to mind and just absolutely knocks the wind off my chest.

Comments: 1 tried to - appease my failing soul.

piratess Time: 5:40 pm.

I am so incredibly lonely. John and Alex are at Vail. For 2 days. So it's just me and the boys. I have nothing very exciting to do. I tried to make a martini although I've never actually had one. And it sucked balls. I am so so so so so so so so lonely. I'd go to the bar but I don't want to get drunk and stupid. So. Yeah. Fuck.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

betterxtogether Time: 6:43 pm.

No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

sunshower Time: 1:34 am.

just woke up from a really weird dream. yes a bit erotic in nature. (hahaha) but with a person whom i haven't thought of for a long time. i wonder what this means.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

betterxtogether Time: 12:29 am.

Alice: You still fancy me? Dan: ...Of course. Alice: You're lying. I've been you.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Friends Blurty for the girl with the flower in her hair. View: User Info. View: Personal Journal. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 35 entries.