Friends Blurty for un erbana.
|
|||||||
| Wednesday, June 19th, 2013 |
|
||||
|
I still love you. I hope you know that. But I won't put myself in harms way. I know what you had to say and I don't want to hear those words come out of your mouth... I've realized that I have to protect myself right now. I'm extremely vulnerable and unstable. I need to work on myself and my situation. I want to be the better option. I don't want to treat you like she treats you. As a rule of thumb, hurting people tend to hurt other people. I need time to heal. If we could just get to the point where we can be together, things would be so great. We wouldn't have these problems we've been dealing with that seem to just come out of what a shitty situation we've made for ourselves. But I feel like... in order for us to even have a fair chance, we need to close the book on our current situations. And I know that's not going to happen any time soon. It's really not fair to either of us ignore that. Maybe it's foolish of me to even think that you'd give me another chance. Maybe you're done completely. But I still have the tiniest shred of hope. For some reason I always do. I love you. I want to be with you. But I don't want to hurt you in the meantime, and I wont let you hurt me. If you really want to get a hold of me, there are ways. You know you could. But I guess this just isn't our time. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I still love you. I hope you know that. But I won't put myself in harms way. I know what you had to say and I don't want to hear those words come out of your mouth... I've realized that I have to protect myself right now. I'm extremely vulnerable and unstable. I need to work on myself and my situation. I want to be the better option. I don't want to treat you like she treats you. As a rule of thumb, hurting people tend to hurt other people. I need time to heal. If we could just get to the point where we can be together, things would be so great. We wouldn't have these problems we've been dealing with that seem to just come out of what a shitty situation we've made for ourselves. But I feel like... in order for us to even have a fair chance, we need to close the book on our current situations. And I know that's not going to happen any time soon. It's really not fair to either of us ignore that. Maybe it's foolish of me to even think that you'd give me another chance. Maybe you're done completely. But I still have the tiniest shred of hope. For some reason I always do. I love you. I want to be with you. But I don't want to hurt you in the meantime, and I wont let you hurt me. If you really want to get a hold of me, there are ways. You know you could. But I guess this just isn't our time. |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"No slavery can be abolished without a double emancipation, and the master will benefit by freedom more than the freed-man." -- Thomas Huxley [Though I guess it can take a few generations for some groups to get the clue and stop trying to hold other folks down ... *sigh*] |
||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, June 18th, 2013 |
|
||||
|
I can't be what you want. And you can't be what I want. Right now is not the time. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
| Not even deep down.. I think on some level, I enjoy being a miserable bastard. | ||||
|
|
| Wednesday, June 19th, 2013 |
|
||||
|
there's a place in my mind that the maps left behind It's lost to me now, sailed away like it was the ship and I was the bay |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
He checked his postbox less each day untill he'd skip days and then weeks. And when the letters started coming they lay there, the pile growing untill the neglected postbox grew weary, til ting to one side it began to lean itself on the fence. |
||||
|
|
| Tuesday, June 18th, 2013 |
|
||||||
|
the words that he uses it feels like he abuses the time that he spends he cannot mend I wish I was stronger I wish I was taller but thanks to my dad I never feel too sad he cheers me when I am feeling blue and all the rest is thanks to you a listening heart a listening ear one day our souls will rest right here |
||||||
|
|
|
||||||||||
|
I've got to cut the umbilical chord to SC. I'm four hours away from Chicago// What the fuck was I thinking? This is what I've always wanted. |
||||||||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Today is Eli's fourth birthday. Crazy to think I've been here for almost 5 years. And that Travis and I have been married for 4 years in August, together for 5 and a half. ...Maybe this is as good as it gets. I started taking a suppliment to help with my depression. |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"Maybe the most disturbing implication of the famous sentence 'They create a desolation and call it peace' is that apologists for violence, by means of euphemism, come to believe what they hear themselves say." -- David Bromwich, "Euphemism and American Violence", The New York Review of Books, v.55,#5, 2008-04-03 |
||||||
|
|
| Monday, June 17th, 2013 |
|
||||||
|
pushed off the edge of what once was but here I am in a different place now back to where I want to be in case of emergency I broke glass and nothing was there except the truth and somehow it came through in the least expected way but here I am and there it went as the past is gone and now the future lies ahead. I thought pain was gone but it visits every now and again to remind me it was and will be here though I know I am strong and I do what I can but who knows if it's enough. All I've got is life and all I've got is this. whatever this is. is it right? |
||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
I don't know much... I don't know much at all.. Just one thing. There are those who make us idiots, those who are our weakness, and those who make us better. however... I don't know how to differentiate between the three for sure, honestly. And maybe they're all one in the same. I've been keeping to myself in certain pages. Nothing here. My wrist hurts incredibly terribly. I'm done. |
||||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Today I cried because I am so lucky. Benjamin is so good to me, and I love him, and he loves me, and we're committed to each other, and want the same things, and share the same values, and, and this man is the universe's most astounding lay. You don't get all these things. You get good love, or good sex. No. I get both. Cue tears of joy. Cue gratitude to God. I love my new job. I got paid today, more money than I've ever made. I have a beautiful home. I live in a beautiful state. I spent last weekend meditating with Buddhist monastics in the mountains. Tomorrow is my birthday. Next weekend I might be San Francisco-bound. Happiness is miraculous. Imagine (remember) life without it. Thank you, God, thank you thank you thank you thank you. ///the luckiest dust, enadia |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"Perhaps it is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged against provisions against danger, real or pretended from abroad." -- James Madison (b. 1751-03-16, d. 1836-06-28; US President 1809-1817; principal author of US Constitution; co-author of the Federalist Papers), 1798-05-13 (letter to Thomas Jefferson) |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, June 16th, 2013 |
|
||||
|
When i was young i wanted to be a truck driver. I wanted to drive and drive and drive. and see the countryside. But my teacher just laughed and told me to pick something else. I drew a boy soccer player with blue cleats. She didnt approve. Yesteday, my lil god son asked... What do you want to be when you grow up? I answered, truck driver. Tilted head of approval. And i know he understands. |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
| trying to be | ||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
From the Quotation of the day mailing list, 2013-02-13: "Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs." -- Vaclav Havel (submitted to the mailing list by Terry Labach) |
||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
The unused word The unthought conscious no discription, no- envisions No Subconscious images -or thoughts from bengning. No lives or eyes forgiven. |
||||||
|
|
| Saturday, June 15th, 2013 |
|
||||||||
|
Horray for Fathers Horray for today Horray for tomorrow Horray for yesterday but there was a time but there was a place there was a reason there was a season Grandfather disappeared one grandmother is alive my parents both live but they do not give I never see them love one another I never see them try I try to be good but I see them lie |
||||||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I can't help it, I ache to run insignificance weighs heavy on my heart but running doesn't bring destiny any closer And this distance can't be breeched by (lack of)space alone You say you knew, but what if there wont always be a chance? Maybe I'm not that someone Tell me if there's some place you'd rather be... I can be strong But even rocks erode away under the constant rush of seas I can be strong Even though it's something I've never had to be I can be strong But when I crack under the pressure, can you forgive me? One beat of my heart shakes the breath from my throat And in this moment I can count the seconds between Like the space that seperates the stars Did you ever doubt? A death of passion is nothing but waste Tell me the truth, could you ever leave? I can be strong This love has stretched over miles and years I can be strong Ask of me whatever you want, I will stand through my fears I can be strong Forgive me, please, disregard these tears |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"Snipers aren't deadly because they carry the biggest guns; they're deadly because they've learned how to weaponize math." -- Robert Evans, "5 Weapon Myths You Probably Believe (Thanks to Movies)", Cracked.com 2012-10-14 (spotted via link in a friend's locked LJ entry) |
||||||
|
|
| Friday, June 14th, 2013 |
|
||||||||
|
too busy to help me all you want to do is watch T.V. I hoped one day we would be friends but my dear this is were it ends I be nice to you but polite doesn't work I really do think that you are the jerk please excuse my language when I say "screw you" and I really do think you need to say sorry too |
||||||||
|
|
|
||||
| I hate Pearl Jam. Mostly out of spite. | ||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
From Orion Shall Rise by Poul Anderson (1983, Timescape Books):
|
||||||
|
|
| Thursday, June 13th, 2013 |
|
||||
|
Woke up feeling bummed this morning, so I drug myself to the pool. Three hours later I'm feeling much better. MyFitnessPal says that I burn 800 calories an hour while swimming leisurely, but I don't believe it. We'll see when I weigh myself at the beginning of next week. Hopefully this plateau is over and I can lose more. Sometimes it gets hard to see the progress. Even when the scale says that I've lost 65 lbs, I really don't feel it. Then after showering the chlorine off I slipped into my favorite shirt and noticed it that it really really didn't fit anymore. I've noticed that somehow without me realizing it, I've slipped back into reactive living instead of proactive living. I haven't touched my glass in months, I haven't crocheted in even longer. I haven't taken any pictures or persued any craft shows or face painting gigs. I haven't even picked up a book that wasn't Travis's in I don't know how long. And I wonder why I've been feeling like crap. At the same time, do I have to be constantly busy to stay happy? Maybe those things are just distracting me from my unhappiness. So I placed a couple face painting ads on facebook. I plan to take my set up to the next art walk in downtown Springfield. I love my job. There were some bumps in the road, but there always are. The other day a lady came in and she'd been in the fitting room for a while. I could tell she was frustrated so I started talking to her. She had lost 100 lbs and didn't know what size she was and was just down on herself because nothing looked right. After my help, she left with 5 shirts, a cardigan, two bras, and a smile on her face! That alone was awesome enough for me, but THEN she came in the next day and bragged about me to the manager and said that I changed her life and she was going to write the company about me because she was so pleased. Turns out I really like helping people see how beautiful they are and teaching them a skill set on how to dress their shape to highlight their pros and camo their cons. Ironic because most of the time I just don't see anything beautiful in me. Last night I helped a mom bra shop with her daughter for the first time. At the end, the daughter gave me a hug and told me that she was glad she came to this store and met me because she was ashamed at first to go bra shopping and didn't want anyone to know that's what they were doing. Hopefully since I'm doing so well, they'll give me more hours. This week I had a total of three 4-hour shifts, and two were on-calls. Which means that I really only had ONE scheduled day. Maybe I should get a second job. |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"... I don't even have an adjective to accurately describe it. I bet the Germans have one. They are light years ahead of our linguistic technology." -- Crave, author/artist of Between Failures, 2013-06-10 (author's note below comic) [I don't know enough German to evaluate this claim, but I liked the phrasing.] |
||||||
|
|
| Wednesday, June 12th, 2013 |
|
||||||
|
Take from me world Take what is yours Take from me wind Increase my chores You can never take from me my great joy, I hope you buy an amazing toy This world was not meant for me, This world can be mean At least I have poetry To let of my steam. |
||||||
|
|
|
||||
| The economy is not my shepard. | ||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
as surely as day comes after night, i get so happy when it rains. i used to associate rain with no classes, going home early, time to pass by other places i wouldnt normally have time for, travelling and bumping into people, staying home curled up with a good book, nice comfy weather. but now it's as simple as being able to stay cool to give time for me and the little one growing inside my belly to just chill, relax, and dream about what the future can bring. the future is full of uncertainties. but what i'm certain about is my birthday and Christmas towards the end of this year is going to be so different from all the 33 other birthdays and Christmases i've had. sleep well baby zach... |
||||||
|
|
|
||||
|
...Since you don't want to talk to me, I feel like I have no choice but to write here. I miss you. Terribly. And all this is making me sure that you don't miss me. I'm so confused. I realized that all of my doubt and insecurity stems from an inability to trust anyone. That has nothing to do with you. I've never had a friendship that just drifted apart. Since I was in grade school, it's always been some kind of huge event filled with tears and betrayal. In fact, my whole life has been full of abandonment from people closest to me. So when you started to push me away... or rather... when you started letting HER push me away like she's done to the rest of your friends (Why can't you tell her that we're just friends? Why is she so uncomfortable with you having friends that she doesn't know/can't manipulate?)... I started to panic. And I lashed out. And I ran away. It's a knee-jerk reaction that I thought I had unlearned. (And maybe I have. I have a feeling if I wasn't feeling so anxious/depressed/freaky because of that appetite suppressant, maybe I would have been able to hold my tongue. God am I glad I don't feel like that anymore.) That's not an excuse. Also. I put things in this journal that I want you to know. You CAN reply, leave comments, whatever. No one knows about this except you. I figured, that especially if we can't talk in real time frequently, I could write to you this way. That way you can read it whenever you have time. It's not a passive-agressive way of telling you things. It's a way to reach out when there just isn't time. |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"It is essential to our well-being, and to our lives, that we play and enjoy life." -- Marcia Wieder |
||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, June 11th, 2013 |
|
||||||
 As requested (suggested?), a recent photo of Perrine (in the wee hours of this morning) to mark the decade she's been with me. Sorry about the funky cropping -- it was a shot-of-opportunity, and between the size of the room, which lens I had on the camera, and where Perrine decided to pose, it was either a potentially distracting crop or definitely distracting visual clutter eating the right side of the picture. I feel so lucky to have her around. I hope she feels the same way. To celebrate, last night I brushed her until she decided she'd been brushed enough. (This can take a while.) This afternoon we played with string. Unrelatedly, a cute bird that I'd shot a day and a half earlier:    |
||||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Out where the stones stand up like thrones beside the ocean Out where the waves make a grave of the sea The lovers struggled in the middle of the tempest And water angrily crawled up onto the beach "Hold my hand and stay with me, we'll be released." But the tide clung like an anchor to her feet And though he tried to make the waterline recede It pulled her out into the sea He could not break apart the waves to bring her safely back in He watched her hand break through the surface once Then disappear beneath |
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"Qu'on me donne six lignes écrites de la main du plus honnête homme, j'y trouverai de quoi le faire pendre." -- attriubuted to Cardinal Richelieu (b. 1585-09-09, d. 1642-12-04) nearly every place I've seen it, but Wikiquote notes that the attribution is disputed. Translation: "If you give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest of men, I will find something in them which will hang him." |
||||||
|
|
| Monday, June 10th, 2013 |
|
||||||
|
"A home without a cat -- and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat -- may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?" -- from Pudd'nhead Wilson (1893) by Mark Twain (b. 1835-11-30, d. 1910-04-21) Wow, has it been ten years already? Yeah, it has. |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, June 9th, 2013 |
|
||||
| There has been given to me without my request a fake form of living: plastics and concrete, weapons and television, proms and wall street, death and lies, but even though this was placed down around me, with the intention of making me unreal, it becomes what drives me to be completely here in the realest form of living: the earth, the elements, the senses, the mind, the dirt, the pain, and gruesome grief, and unrelenting extacy of not knowing what truth or freedom pretend to be... and in it all, i grasp the fact that i am real and i am life. | ||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"I gave up the guitar in 1965. Didn't want to see a guitar. I'd go out and get drunk. When I came out of the heart surgery, the doc said, 'Promise me you'll work hard.' I said, 'I thought working hard is what got me here.' He said, 'No, working is what will keep you alive.'" -- Les Paul, (b. 1915-06-09, d. 2009-08-13) |
||||||
|
|
| Saturday, June 8th, 2013 |
|
||||||||
|
Is it possible that my mood swings are caused by sugar and maybe caffeine... I just don't know? Sometimes, I look at my entries and I really do wonder. I asked my nurse, how do I recover, manage, and accept mental illness?.. the person could not even give me a straight answer: very disappointing. The truth is I have done all these things. Now, all I need is a doctor to tell me, I'm good! |
||||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
"Sometimes, you have to go through a phase whether you like it or not." -- Tina Weymouth (b. 1950-11-22) |
||||||
|
|
Friends Blurty for un erbana.
|
|||||||||||
happy.
gloomy.