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Thursday, April 24th, 2014


angela_kathleen
Subject:Again
Time:5:55 am.
again I have been violated
again I have been invaded

I do not know by who
their ID is still a mystery

again and again it happens
again and again I feel hurt

there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it
again I have been violated
Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"Life is just one damned thing after another." -- Elbert Hubbard (thanks to [info] blueeowyn)

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014


dglenn
Subject:Destitute Trousers
Time:3:53 pm.

I'm way, way behind on all social media. I've peeked at Facebook and Twitter a few times, and started reading my Dreamwidth reading page a couple of times, but I keep getting interrupted before I get very far and not getting back to it again for days. So I'm sure I've missed lots of news from lots of folks. Declaring pants bankrupt[1].

Mom came home from inpatient physical therapy rehab a week ago ... and promptly developed yet another UTI. But my sister ordered some home UTI test strips, so we didn't have to wait until she fell again or her next appointment to find out, this time. So she's moving slowly and thinking slowly this week (which in turn makes things much more stressful for me), but a course of antibiotics has been started. And there's been a smidgen of progress on the five-months-and-counting "get Mom seen by a urologist" project. So there's that.

We need more help here than just me. Mom needs more help. We've spoken to one outfit, but still need to work out how to pay for it. We know about one program for financial assistance so far (because Dad was in the USAF).

In the meantime, I've been exhibiting my usual lack of ability to gauge my spoons reserve -- doing too much one day (because my to-do list is scary-huge and stuff needs to get done) and then being a wreck for the next two. Monday I had to get blood drawn, and ran a few errands while I was out. Sheepie reminded me to stop after each errand to judge how tired I was getting. I felt pretty good until forty minutes after I got home and stopped doing stuff, and then my body said, "nope, nope, that was too much, falling apart now." Makes it hard to stop in time when the too-much signal has that much lag. Today I'm taking Mom to appointments this afternoon (composing this on her phone in the podiatrist's waiting room) and going to HCB rehearsal tonight -- despite yesterday not having been quite enough recovery time from Monday -- and then I have my own appointment tomorrow to see my doctor. So hoping Mom does well enough that I can get enough rest tomorrow night and all of Friday, to be in decent shape for our concert on Saturday. (Details in a previous DW entry.)

In a similar vein, I finally found out when my cousin's wedding is (in New York): the day before our gig at the Green Man festival (see same previous DW post), which might be doable if I'm not the one driving to NY and back, but is still going to be a strain. There's a lot going on (considering the downtime I need between activities, my calendar is as scary as my to-do list). Time is broken[2].

So: hanging in there, too much to do and too few spoons / too little time. Worried about Mom-care and money (hers) to pay for help. Trying to make sure I'm well enough for upcoming gigs. And hopelessly behind / out of touch. Wish me luck.

[1] If unfamiliar with the phrase, Google "bankrupt my pants".

[2] "Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."

Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

From Millennium by Ben Bova (1976, Random House, New York):

"Oh, Alex, we've got to save him! We can't let a man like that die because of red tape."

Landau shook his head wearily, "Red tape has killed more people that bullets, dear girl. Far more."

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014


enadia
Time:9:26 pm.
I have an unhealthy facebook addiction.

That, or I miss adult social companionship.

Either way, must sleep now.

Quickly.

While there's still time.
Comments: appease my failing soul.


enadia
Time:2:38 pm.
abandon sleep all ye who enter here
Comments: appease my failing soul.


enadia
Subject:the elusive eight.
Time:8:53 am.
Last night I went to bed around 11, fell asleep around 11:30.

This morning, when Vera started fussing in her bassinet, I glanced at the clock, expecting 4-something, 6 if I was really lucky.

7:33.

Did Ben let me sleep a full eight hours last night?

I didn't even wake up in the night to pump, or pee or anything.

Did Ben (and my body) really let me sleep a full eight hours?

I don't know what time Ben put her down (4:30, maybe, if she needed to eat at 7:30?), but if he really let me sleep a full eight hours (something that hasn't happened in MONTHS AND MONTHS), he's my hero.

He can play all the video games in the world, if they keep him up till the wee hours intermittently caring for our baby.

(Who, by the way, right now is snoozing in the swing.)

Even the night before, I slept 6 hours which was revelrous.

Eight hours? Of sleep? Is that a thing that can still happen?

Ben is my new hero.

Love,
Enadia
Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life." -- Eleanor Roosevelt (b. 1884-10-11, d. 1962-11-07), preface to The Autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt (1961)

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Monday, April 21st, 2014


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"[I]t stops being democratic dissent and becomes terrorism, sedition, and/or treason the first time you aim a gun or a bomb at someone." -- [info] bradhicks, 2010-05-30

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Sunday, April 20th, 2014


enadia
Time:12:31 pm.
I love my husband. I love my baby. I love them especially much when they're together, like they are now, curled up in a cuddle nap on the bed.

I hate being a parent.

I love Vera.

Does this follow?

I hate the erratic sleep schedule, the impossiblity of sleep when it is possible, the utter madness and chaos of parenthood. I feed her, go to bed at 11, wake at 2, feed her, can't fall back asleep, toss and turn till 4, pass out on the couch, Dad wakes with her at 5 to feed her, stumbling half-asleep baby in arm to the living room where for my sake he feeds her in the dark. No avail, I am awakened anyway. I slump off to the bed, wake at 7 to feed her. She's still in the living room with Dad. He's frantic with sleep loss and the delirium that comes from not being able to console a fussy child for hours, foists her on me, tells me how she gulped down 3 oz from the bottle at 5, fiendishly, then projectile spit up all over him, had to change his boxers while he left her howling on the couch, she had calmed down for a moment but when he tried to lay her down, she regained her strength and went howling again, didn't want to wake me, came back out to the living room, changed her, tried to feed her again, she wouldn't take, had been rocking her, shushing, trying to coax the consciousness out of her. In my arms, as he's telling me this, she falls asleep. We lie her down, crawl into bed together, sleep. I wake at 10 to feed her. She's gassy in my arms. Between boobs I go to change her, can smell she needs a diaper. Don't use the changing table bc Dad's sleeping in there. Get the diaper change mat from the diaper bag, lie it on the couch, and lie her down. Unsnap her onesie. Inside her diaper, there's a pool of liquid yellow, Beck's "Nausea" plays in my head, the consistency of this poop is soupy at best, little chunks floating. Fold up the dipe, toss it, look back at her again, the pee starts spraying, "Oh Vera!" then the diarrhea. Projectile diarrhea. Vera, Vera... All over the place. All over the diaper change mat, her socks, legs, bottom of her onesie. She gets an arm in it. Horrified, I start grabbing baby wipes, madly attempting to keep it from spreading to the couch, as it pools out across the blue surface of the mat. The wipes are useless. I grab her baby blanket from the diaper bag, sop it up as best I can, wipe her in haste and slap a fresh diaper on her ass. My hands and arms are speckled with it. I remove her socks, carefully remove her onsie. Wipe her down as best I can, move her to the couch, grab everything with poo on it and run into the bathroom, spray it off in the shower and throw it in the washer. Run back to the bathroom, baby left on the couch, "Don't move, Vera!", scrub scrub my hands and lather up to elbows at the sink. Rush back to my baby, the sound of the washer pounding, and she's crying, still hungry. I'm losing my mind. "Vera you need to be good or the Easter bunny will take back your pretty dresses and her presents..." Grab her, pop her on the other boob, she's placated for a moment, I look down, my white bra has a brown stain on it (darker than the poop was but I'm thinking all the same) 'How did I miss that?' and look down at her for where I could have missed the poop, and it isn't, it's her stump, her cord stump came off, from when I picked her up and then moved her down to my boob to eat. It must have forcibly come off and I feel terrible. She seems fine, eating, but what if she's in pain? The belly button's bleeding. I let her eat (the second side "dessert" never as long as the first side "dinner"), run carrying her into the bedroom, "Ben! Ben! Her cord stump! It came off! I think it's my fault." He mumbles in his sleep, "It's okay honey, it was loose anyway," but looks at me and sees I'm freaking out. "Call the pediatrician!" I cry. It's after 9:30 by this point, the office would be open. "Or the Babyline?" he asks. "Yes, yes, call the Babyline!" We try calling twice but it drops. The baby seems satiated after eating, he's looking up on his phone what to do for her belly button, it's bloody but not bleeding, meanwhile I'm trying to relay the story of the pee spray and then the poo spray, but he's too focused/tired to really listen, "Clean the area with water and apply Vaseline," he mumbles, turning back over in bed. "Can you do it?" I ask. Begrudging the interruption to his sleep, but with love with Vera, he gets up, takes care of her belly button, I go back out into the living room, there's the stump, right by where I fed her, I must have knocked it off. I pick it up, put it on a cloth wipe on my desk, will deal with it later, take my bra off, dripping milk all over the floor (but what else is new), scrub some soap on the stain right quick and chuck it in the washer with the poopy everything. I go back into the bedroom, where Dad and Vera and now passed out in a cuddle on the bed. "Ben I'm going to take a shower can you watch her did you hear me about the diarrhea--" He nods in half-sleep, kisses Vera's forehead, I go jump in the shower and scrub myself with Ben's hard soap, scrub my arms, scrub my legs. Vigorously wash while telling myself, 'Ok, if I need to pass out, I'll just pass out into the corner of the tub that doesn't have any shampoo bottles.' I've literally kept a corner of the tub empty since late-pregnancy when insomnia set in so I'd have a safe place to pass out to if I need it while I'm showering. During the late-pregnancy when standing (even for the length of a shower) was too much effort (between the insomnia and the insane weight of her) I would frequently sit down for a short spell during showers, haven't used it since being home, but it's comforting. Get out of the shower and realize I'm woozy with exhaustion. (Spent hours yesterday crying with sleep deprivation, Ben holding me, just as a reference.) I peak into the bedroom and they're curled up snoozing, pace into the living room and pass out, completely naked (but what about the leaky breasts, the leaky cunt, the wet hair, the belly band) on the couch. At 11 I hear, "Mommy..." from the other room, Ben tries to rouse me. I hear her fussing. Think, 7 to 11, that's actually pretty generous of her, fall back asleep a moment, "Mommy, baby's hungry." Somehow get up, nuke some veggie sausages, grab a granola bar while they're cooking, he brings her out, "You need to feed her." She's screaming. I've swallowed half a chocolate chip granola bar and eaten half a sausage patty. "Can I finish this?" "No, do you hear her?" "I need food to make her food!" I'm irritable, and scarf down the rest of the patty and throw my half-eaten granola bar on the folding chair-table next to the rocker, sit down, take the baby to the breast, finish eating the granola bar while she's eating from me. Ben gets up for a bowl of cereal, eats it on the couch. I remember that it's not only Easter but 4/20 and although I've never smoked, today would be a great day to try it (I won't). To keep myself awake, I sing "Three Little Birds" in my head, trying to remember the words, trying to impress on myself that "Every little thing, is gonna be all right." Ben opens her Easter package from my MnD. It's darling, a bunny-butt outfit, two Easter bibs, little barrettes and bunny socks. $20 for me and Ben. How much is a babysitter? We should have left by now for Hank's, meeting the family in North County for Easter. After I finish feeding her, Ben takes her, they pass out together on the bed, again. But this point it's close to noon, I make myself a waffle and a cup of instant coffee, intend on getting dressed, end up writing here instead.

Parenting sucks.

I love Vera.

But you don't understand. Or maybe you understand a little better now.

That's all.

They're still sleeping, but she's starting to fuss. Yup, 11 to 1, she's probably hungry again.
I'm a slave to a small screaming puking peeing pooping queen.

Help.
Enadia
Comments: appease my failing soul.


angela_kathleen
Subject:Cruel Mom
Time:7:23 am.
Does she know that she hurts me when she lies
Does she know that I think she is an evil spy

Does she know?
Is she evil?

Surely not my mom
Surely not my mother

Shirley not Shirley
at least I have said

Surely not anyone that calls herself my mom
Surely I must love and trust her even if she is dumb

Shirley dear Shirley
is good to my Dad

Shirley she loves him
and doesn't think he is bad
Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

[Χριστος Ανεστη! Happy Easter to everyone of my Faith -- Christ is risen! (For folks who are cuious but don't keep track: it's Easter in both calendars today; Western and Othodox Easter coincide this yea.)]

"If your salvation was dependent on your ability to read and understand scripture, Jesus would have been an author." -- Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Saturday, April 19th, 2014


discogranny
Time:10:37 pm.
The endless void with which we create.
Comments: appease my failing soul.


angela_kathleen
Subject:worried
Time:5:21 am.
Mood: worried.
taking time to wonder
my feeling all a blunder

looking for an answer
my heart all confused

I do not know why
I do not know when

I want some answers
rather now than then
Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"Rather than thinking of it as 'cleaning my apartment', I like to think about it as "ferocious battle against entropy." -- Emily Finke (@seelix), 2014-04-14

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Friday, April 18th, 2014


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else." -- Mitch Albom

[Or maybe to everyone else? (Thinking of the holiday my faith observes today.)]

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Thursday, April 17th, 2014


enadia
Time:9:25 pm.
Maternity leave ends June 4 (Dad's birthday).
I will have used 3 weeks pregnancy leave, 8 weeks maternity leave, and 1 week family leave.
I will have a remaining 5 weeks family leave to use within one year, paid at 55% of my regular salary (which I've been on so far, and money hasn't been a problem).
Should I use it right away? I'm not sure if I can, bc the WF handbook says employees with the company for less than 1 year (June 10th will be my 1-yr anni) (Could I use 4 days vacation time? Not sure if I even have this. Unpaid time off?). But the handbook also says that California employees are entitled to up to 4 months of leave after having a baby.
So what if I use that extra five weeks in October? Ben and I will be in Chicago for the wedding anyway. What if we took an extended trip so 6-mo-old Vera could get in some quality family time? Being on leave is kind of incredible, and as I mentioned, financially, we're ok. Ben's lucky to have a job he can take with him anywhere. We could stay with relatives (line up a place to stay ahead of time, this time! No couch surfing and NO staying with MnD) or sublet something in Chgo for a couple weeks, then spend some time in Ohio. Maybe we could stay with Stacy. We'd have to rent a car, though. Pubic transit with a baby? Yah thanks no. Or... What if we were really super extra sneaky and made a road trip out of it? Could you do a road trip with a 6-mo-old and maintain sanity? I don't know if Sappho could make it, though. I adore her, but she is gettin' on in years.
But anyway, this is all just stuff to think about! I'm sure work wouldn't be too thrilled to have me come back after 2-1/2 months out just to leave for another month four months after I get back. But it's my right as a new mother in California. And they love me, so they can deal.
Also, MY BABY IS SO BEAUTIFUL IT BREAKS MY HEART. And SHE IS SUCH A GOOD BABY. Sometimes she gets fussy, but usually some tight swaddling and white noise will put her to sleep. She's a champion eater (breast AND bottle, no problem either one), takes frequent naps, is GORGEOUS, makes ADORABLE baby noises, only cries when she needs something "Mom I have a stinky diaper!", LOVES TO CUDDLE, LOVES TO BE LOVED ON (ie today Ben and I probably spent half an hour with her all three of us lying in the bed, baby in the middle, just kissing her perfect plump lil baby cheeks and all over her, cooing how much we love her, and her smiling at us (baby's don't usually smile so young!) and us kissing each other over her and going back to kissing and cuddling our so-loved-girl. Actually, I LOVE that Ben works from home and LOVE that he works second shift. He usually stays up late and takes over her night feedings (11 and 2). I tuck in usually after her 9 pm feeding (not tonight though) and get to sleep till about 5 (THANK YOU BEN I LOVE YOU) (This is a new system btw, as of a couple nights ago, and not a perfect one. I still sometimes wake up at 2 because I become so engorged that I need to feed her or pump- but then I'll usually just pump for 10 min while he gives her a bottle, much faster/less demanding than a 45-min feeding & then I'm back in bed) and then after she eats at 2 he comes to bed. I pick up with the 5 AM feeding, catch a few winks before her 8 am, and try (but usually end up eating breakfast SO HUNGRY by this point) sleeping again till the 11ish feeding. By that one I'm usually exhausted again (at the 5 am I'm bleary-eyed but feed her in the living room so as to let Ben sleep) so I'll feed her in the bed. This lasts till close to noon, when I'll lie her down between me and Ben (BTW I LOVE HIM; I couldn't ask for a better husband or father for my child) and Ben will start waking up (actually usually he starts waking up during the feeding and is then awake by noon when I lie her down on the bed for morning snuggles). Then the three of us lie down together in the bed, it's noon and the day is just starting for our little family, and we kiss and snuggle and all coo that we all love each other, and Vera is happy and fed and alert and loving on the attention from Mom and Dad, and at 12:30 Ben goes to work, I make some breakfast, baby is back to sleep or rocking in her swing in the living room hanging out with us. It's actually (now that we're starting to adjust and figure out how to make this radically life-altering parenting thing work) kind of pleasant. During the day, I'll catch a couple naps when she naps, but most of my time is spent breastfeeding or caring for her. I need to finish my poetry contest application. But it's a good life. I love my baby and my Ben.
Ok ok that's enough rambling. (But you can see why I want to take full advantage of my paid leave!)

All love,
Enadia
Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

Relatedly: "White shooter = mentally ill. Black shooter = criminal. Muslim shooter = terrorist. It's in the AP style book, I think." -- @billmon1, 2014-04-13

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2014


enadia
Time:1:51 pm.
Parenting is maddening. Ben asks, "How do people live like this?"
I have no idea.
I miss being the sole owner of my body, have changed my breastfeeding goal from 6 months to 4 weeks (sorry, Vera), am daydreaming of the pros/cons chart for breast vs bottle. I very rarely have any time for myself, and not in the same way as it was in grad school. This is someone else literally needing me. It's so hard.
Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"Speaking purely as a developer, I handle requests to add a 'gender' field the way I treat requests to add a 'race' field.
When anyone complains I'm being PC, I'll tell 'em that I'm too busy to add another 'if' statement, don't take it personally."
-- Reginald Braithwaite, 2014-04-13, two tweets -- clicking either should make both visible if you scroll up or down far enough. (Thanks to @tjathurman for retweeting this where I'd see it.)

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Tuesday, April 15th, 2014


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"Late last night, I found myself looking at the Passover Hagadah. 'In every generation,' the text says, 'there are those who would rise to destroy us.' This week, at seders around the world, those words will have extra resonance because they are so obviously still true. They were true before the Klan or Nazis. They are true now, even in cosmopolitan, liberal cities like London and Paris where anti-Semitism is couched in the language of Anti-Zionism. They are true even in my beloved America, in the city that both my grandfathers called home." -- Hampton Stevens, 2014-04-14, writing about the shootings in Kansas on Sunday

Comments: appease my failing soul.


enadia
Subject:Best of all possible husbands
Time:12:00 am.
He is so good with our daughter!
He is so sweet and funny and silly with me, and still thinks I'm beautiful, even with my stretch marks ("lightning bolts on your belly," he calls them) and goes out his way to tell me that I'm beautiful, and make me feel beautiful, sexy even. He's affectionate and completely nonjudgmental, and takes such good care of me and our little V.
Comments: appease my failing soul.

Monday, April 14th, 2014


dglenn
Subject:Performance 4 May in Bladensburg
Time:6:03 am.

Latest addition to our HCB, that is) performance calendar: We're playing at the Bostwick Heritage Festival in Bladensburg, Maryland, 4 May (the web site says 1PM - 4PM but the email the band got says noon to 5PM, and we'll be playing in the earlier part of that). Free admission. This looks like a smallish event, with period craft/trade demos, tours of Bostwick House, craft vendors, etc. Come on out for the afternoon and get a bit more War of 1812 history.

( Facebook event page)


A reminder about the other gigs coming up fairly soon:

Our annual spring concert at the Greenbelt Arts Center in Greenbelt, Maryland, on Saturday, 26 April at 8:00 PM. ( reservations) Adults $17 / Children $12 / Seniors, Students, and Military $14.

snowstorm the night before to scare people away from this one. ;-)

The second day of the Green Man Festival, also in Greenbelt, Maryland, Sunday, 11 May (Mothers Day) at 4 PM. (That's close to the end of the festival, so get there a lot earlier than that to check out the rest of it.)

Comments: appease my failing soul.


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

From "Spring Cleaning Ritual on the Eve of the Full Moon Nisan" by Rabbi Lynn Gottlieb:

"On the eve of the full moon
we search our houses
by the light of a candle
for the last trace of winter
for the last crumbs grown stale inside us
for the last darkness still in our hearts."

(quote found by way of Velveteen Rabbi, 2014-04-13)


To all of my friends who are celebrating the week of Passover starting tonight, a joyous festival to you!

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Sunday, April 13th, 2014


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

From the Quotation of the day mailing list, 2014-03-17:

"We can't live in a state of perpetual doubt, so we make up the best story possible and we live as if the story were true." -- Daniel Kahneman, psychologist.

(submitted to the mailing list by Mike Krawchuk)


[I think this quotation makes him sound like a phenomenologist, but judging from the laziest of Google searches, that doesn't seem to be the school he associates himself with.]

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Saturday, April 12th, 2014


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"The apostrophe is the most powerful punctuation mark in grammar. It is far more muscular than the exclamation point, which has become so diluted by overuse in digital platforms that people feel compelled to use it in triplicate, if not greater multiples, to give it heft. The quotation mark needs a partner. The period is a lonesome little dot at ground level, a loose penny on a sidewalk. The semi-colon suffers from a confused personality and keeps showing up in the wrong places. But the apostrophe is elegant and kingly. It uses its graceful, airborne curve to define unquestioned ownership. It anoints possession." -- Tom Verduci, 2014-04-08 (thanks to [info] aliza250 for bringing it to my attention)

Comments: appease my failing soul.

Friday, April 11th, 2014


dglenn
Subject:QotD
Time:5:24 am.

"[...] as a Hearer, he is fascinated by their chaotic, extraordinary individuality. Nowhere does he find the communal engrams, the shared world-views like those any Tyrenni Father transmits to his young. These beings seem to have had no Fathering; even these mind-experimenters have no real communication. Each is utterly alone. They are aliens to each other." -- from Up the Walls of the World by James Tiptree, Jr. (1978, Berkley Publishing Corp.; ISBN: 0-399-12083-1) -- Giadoc, a Tyrenni, comparing the humans he has just met to his own race.

Comments: appease my failing soul.

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