"My momma taught me, everything fine ain't the finest.... and everything shine ain't a diamond. They say that change comes with time, and I'm finding... that most bitches take your kindness for blindness..."
T.I. ft. Pharell - Freak Though
Truthfully, there's not much else I can say. The more I scrape for deeper layers, the more I realize that perhaps, there is nothing left to scrape. I've been hurt far too many times to learn to trust at this point. I say this carefully, because love has a way of making you a hypocrit. I guess I just can't see myself giving in the way I did, eyes closed... going all in on the unforgiving wager that is LOVE. Me and my brother constantly nudge one another at the right times... when we get weary about falling back in the same habit and pursuing our hearts. Him with Sandra... and me with... well, I learned my lesson, no more names.
I hate what he's going through, and like I said before, I wish I could take that pain of his shoulders. At the same time, nobody quite knows what THIS man thinks about in private. Few know, truly, what that one last thought is, in my mind, before I sleep... even the ones that are right there with me.
Damn, I'm jumping from topic to topic in my mind. There's so much change going on in my life. It's hard to gather that by this time next week, I'll be living in a new home. It's od how everything, in the end, seems to have worked out for the best. The costs have balanced out in some ways, and our standard of living is going to escalate dramatically. At the same time, it's hard for me to walk away from a place that hold so many of my most amazing memories. These walls hold the secrets to the composition of this man, as well as the two others that follow. It's incredible how it all happened, how in the blink of an eye, your world turns on its axis. Harold's gonna help me move, and when we're all settled, we're throwing a little cookout pool party at the new spot... should be so thorough!! Moreover, Matt tells me Mos Def is gonna be down here on... you guessed it, March muthafuckin' 30th (guess where I'll be on my birthday).
With all that, you'd think it's enough change... but today just dealt me a blow of how cold reality can be. My mentor, Bayardo, resigned today. With him goes a massive part of me, professionally, and personally. I've never met anyone so willing to help me out, as well as my family, for no particular reason other than kindness and loyalty. He gave Mouse a job when he got layed off, knowing that Mouse had no earthly idea what Lesco was about. He looked out for me every chance he got... and then, he became my crutch. Anything I didn't know, it was him I looked to. Shit, the same goes for every fucking manager in our region, every customer, every individual with status in the industry looked to his opinion. It's a strange situation. He went to shake my hand at the end of the day, both of us with tears in our eyes, and I looked at him bewildered... how dare you sir... and hugged him, as if he were part of my family, because in a lot of ways, he is... he did look out for me in a paternal way, and I'm indebted. The hard part is going to come in a year, when the non-compete clause expires, and he comes back down this way, as our competition. I have a year to add every ounce of ammunition, in terms of knowledge, to my arsenal... in order to withstand the assault that he will impose on our region. How on earth do I acquire enough to wage war with a man who has dedicated his entire livelihood to this industry for the past 20 years? Moreover, how do I keep it friendly... this business war? There's a lot of work ahead of me, especially being the only bilingual associate in the northern part of our region. I don't even wana think about our right now, because the thought of Lesco without B is just plain wrong... it doesn't make sense, the thought doesn't feel right.
I just don't know what to do. Temptation is a bitch. I feel horrible everytime I comfront her with something so dense, so thorough, that she just freezes, in silence. I feel as if I'm doing something wrong. I can't help what I feel, and at the same time, I can't help but hold back. I overstand her insecurities, her moments when she truly is shy, or unaware of how to respond to me. I don't want to walk away, I'm enamoured with what she represents, but at the same time, I told her exactly what's going to happen... and because of that, I find it hard to invest myself anymore than I may have. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with a desire to give her what her voice secretly asks of me... and I know I must be careful... exrtremely careful, because as I mentioned, this is a delicate situation. But damn, I want you Jaz... more than I can explain to you... and in more ways than the obvious...
That's enough for now...