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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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9:51 am - speculate?
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You meet the most interesting people in the most interesting places. Some people come and go, some people are forever. How do you know which ones are which.
How do I know that when I have finally learned to distrust, I may run into the one that I can finally trust?
Life takes some strange turns, and it turns often. You just have to turn with it, I suppose. I guess I'll just have to learn to stop fighting the natural progression of things and just let them be. Have faith. Yeah, I'll take my own advice and have faith in Him. And maybe him as well...
current mood: conflicted
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| Sunday, June 21st, 2009
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8:47 am - now?
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Just so sad. Far away from home and hopelessly heartbroken. I don't even know where to look to save myself. It's time I gave up on it all and give in to the daily grind and expect nothing more. Because there is nothing more. How did I ever acquire this curse? Sad, that's all I can think of to describe my state of mind right now. Faster and faster I feel my ability to feel slip away. Soon I'll wake up emotionally numb. Then I'll know it's the end.
current mood:  sad
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| Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
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9:36 pm - muh
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All alone. I just want to curl up and never come out of my bed again. Because there's nothing out there and nothing to come back to. Why?
current mood: sad
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| Friday, May 22nd, 2009
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10:18 pm - tears
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I'm so upset. I really don't want to spend my last weekend in the States crying myself to sleep every night. I also have strep throat. This sucks.
current mood:  crushed
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| Sunday, May 17th, 2009
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1:34 am - overanalyze?
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I overanalyze the situation most likely. It's nothing, I just need the voice of reason to assure me so.
But he does make me cry a lot. Not tonight, but many other nights. He doesn't mean to and doesn't know that he does. But he does.
I don't know if what he said the other night was truth or fiction. I would like to think it's truth. That he cares and respects me enough for it to be truth. As all that I have said to him is nothing but the truth, even if all that I wanted to say to him has not been revealed yet because I don't have the courage and because I fear it will send him away.
Only time will tell, I suppose. I feel like I am running out of time. I feel as if he doesn't accept me in the long run, then I may never get over him and that I may never accept anyone else but him. He's captured my heart in a way that's never happened before, not even with the other two...I just have to let fate take the reigns. The unknown future is scary, but I have no choice.
current mood: conflicted
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| Friday, May 15th, 2009
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7:07 pm - another world
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I wish every day was like last night. He held my hand everywhere we went and he kissed me like he meant it. He told me there was no one else. And he held me close all night. I smiled. He took care of me.
If only he would let me love him. I would. Truly.
He hurts me so...but I can't let go. He's my drug that I'm addicted to.
I get so sad sometimes and I want to cry, but the tears don't come. Ever since the day I thought I lost him forever, this is the way it has been. That day I cried until there was nothing left, and nothing ever did change because of it. And now the ability to show such emotion has been lost. I just scream inside and want to die.
If only it was every day that he loved me like last night...
current mood: sad
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| Monday, May 11th, 2009
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6:54 pm - hope
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He even lined up my shoes for me. It was a cute gesture.
Then it went downhill. Alcohol does that, I suppose. But knowing that, it didn't keep me from taking it too seriously and perpetuating the ridiculousness of the situation.
In the end, one has to take initiative, and maybe even take the hit, take a risk. It may or may not pay off. You just have to jump in with both feet and see what happens.
current mood:  giddy
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| Thursday, April 30th, 2009
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7:52 pm - pontiac
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 Everyone has undoubtedly heard the news that General Motors in discontinuing the Pontiac brand. It is planned to be phased out no later than next year.
My question is, why Pontiac?! Out of all the GM brands, I think Pontiac has the most solid line up of cars, and this line up is one that attracts young buyers, you know, the single people like me with money to spend on stuff like that because we don't have kids to support. The more I think about it, the more it perplexes me that Pontiac was set on the guillotine, while crusty old brand Buick stays. Who the hell buys a Buick anymore? The old fart who should realistically have their driver's licence taken away?? Yeah that'll last a real long time. There isn't even time for customer loyalty in that sector because those drivers will either die before their car wears out or end up driving it into a pole and killing themselves!! If neither of those happens, congratulations, but old people tend to stick to one car, they don't tire of their cars and desire the next hot model.
Come on, GM!! With the addition of the G8 to the line up in recent model years, more young people with staying power, and multiple car purchasing power are getting turned on to Pontiac. The G8 is by far the best bang for the buck sports sedan on the market right now, and it looks great too. In the hands of a competent driver I'm willing to bet it'll smoke the eyeballs out of a BMW 3 series, mostly which are driven by over privileged rich boys or blond bimbos with sugar daddies. Pontiac means fast cars. Pontiac means exciting cars. Pontiac means cars that people will stare at when I roll by. OK, so the Cadillac CTS-V is a pretty damn fast car. People actually race that thing. But seriously, since when does Cadillac scream BAD ASS? When you pull up behind that ricer you want the mere image of you in his rear view mirror to make the punk kid in the driver's seat shake in fear. Additionally, the CTS-V is seriously a niche market kind of thing. It's a subtle defender of style and speed. First of all, you've gotta have the dough to throw down. Second, you've gotta be pretty hard core with your fast cars to even know it exists.
It took GM long enough to even bring the Australian supercar known as the Holden Commodore to this continent as the Pontiac G8 and now they're going to axe the whole brand?! Whoever came up with this idea needs to be bitch slapped! I say to GM right now, chop Buick instead and keep Pontiac if you want to live.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Friday, April 24th, 2009
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7:07 pm - cops
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| Monday, April 20th, 2009
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8:55 pm - nissan altima
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NYPD rolling out Nissan Altima hybrid patrol cars
The NYPD is unleashing a fleet of 40 brand-new Nissan Altima hybrid vehicles in the next two weeks to be used as official NYPD patrol cars. The Nissan Altima hybrids have the capability to go up to 40mph before a single drop of gas is used. And compared to the measly 16mpg of the current fleet of Ford Crown Victoria’s, the Nissan Altima hybrids will be able to go up to 32mpg in the city, a fairly significant jump in fuel savings which will ultimately help the city save a few dollars.
Of course, the hybrid vehicles won’t go nearly as fast (113mph top speed compared to 165mph top speed of Dodge Charger), but then again, when are NYPD vehicles ever going anywhere near top speed anyway? I think 113mph is pretty fast already and with NYC streets as narrow as they are, I doubt any criminal being chased is going to top that without something terrible happening. [duh?]
current mood:  amused
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7:38 pm - happy
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It wouldn't be so bad
If I could take a good thing and make it last
...
My heart is broken down again
I blame it on myself
It wouldn't be so bad
If I could take a good thing and make it last
...
I'm crawling through the crowd again
And I'm looking for myself
It makes me mad
Cuz I wanna be happy so bad
It makes me mad
Cuz I wanna be happy so bad
You don't even care
Stepping out
Take it in
Starting over again Falling out
Starting over
It makes me mad
Cuz I wanna be happy so bad
It makes me mad
Cuz I wanna be happy
It makes me mad
Cuz I wanna be happy so bad
It makes me mad
Cuz I wanna be happy so bad
It makes me mad
I wanna be happy so bad
It makes me mad
I wanna be happy so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
-Lit - Happy
current mood:  apathetic
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| Monday, April 13th, 2009
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9:47 pm - killers
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I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart
Cut the cord
Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?
Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Hear my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You've gotta let me go
Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?
Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?
Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?
You've gotta let me know
Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?
-The Killers - Human
current mood: sad
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9:19 pm - regret
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I live my life with no regrets. You can't go back and undo things that you've done, so there is no use dwelling on something that you've done. If you think it was a mistake, then learn from it and move on to the future.
But lately I have been thinking that there is one thing that I have done that I shouldn't have done and more and more I regret it. But given the circumstances at the time how could I have known.
Another night sitting here on crying to my computer...
I'm so sick of being alone and sad. I want someone to fall in love with. Someone that loves me for who I am and show me that he loves me. I had that once. And then things beyond our control happened and I walked away from it because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Well, it wasn't. Or at least it doesn't seem to be right now. Because everything's gone wrong since I did that and now I can't go back.
I've tried to move on. I've seen other guys. But it's not the same. I don't feel good about it. I feel bad the morning after. Like I've done something bad. Like it wasn't worth it. I don't like that feeling.
There's nothing I can do now...
I just want someone to come home to when this war is over for me.
current mood: sad
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| Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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7:56 pm - well
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Another day where I didn't even remotely work on my homework. OK, I did work on it just a little bit today. I wrote two paragraphs that didn't involve any thinking on my part. It's not that I don't like the class, it's that I find it extremely difficult! I don't think I've ever had such a hard time in any class I've taken aside from like Organic Chemistry. That was just homicide.
Why is it every time I come back to California on leave I feel lazier than the laziest person in history, and more lethargic than a dead snail? I can't even stay awake. I guess it's the lack of social activity. Which makes me glad I don't actually live here or else I would have no life and no ambition whatsoever. I would just sit on the couch with my computer and get fat and blind! I ate five slices of pizza for dinner today, jeez! Don't get me wrong. I love California. I just wish I had a life here.
current mood:  mellow
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2009
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10:37 pm - have faith
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I don't want to give up. But have faith, what is right will be mine. Must have faith.
current mood: resigned
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9:22 pm - and how...?
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How did I end up worse off than when I started? I am not really even sure as to the current standing of things in this situation, but whenever I think it is going one way, an immediate 180 degree shift happens and I am left standing alone empty handed and confused until the tears fill up in my eyes and just pour out because I cannot hold them back anymore. And all this for what? There's no solution yet. Either way, I really would just like to know for sure so I can stop wondering and stop stressing and stop crying myself to sleep.
How could something that seemed one way at a certain point in time change completely in an instant?
current mood: crushed
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2009
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6:36 pm - jump
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Sometimes you have to jump into a situation with both feet. Effectively paint yourself into a corner so that you cannot avoid what you must do. It pays off in the end. As always, have faith and you will have yours.
current mood:  thankful
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| Monday, February 23rd, 2009
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10:00 pm - moos
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As I feel my hope dwindling away little by little I wonder why I even bother feeling any emotion at all. I know deep down in my gut this thing will not work out in my favor, no matter how hard I hope for it, how hard I try, bordering onto the realm of trying too hard. *sigh* What's a girl to do, really?
I must take my own advice and have faith. Never lose faith. I've seen a higher power work for me many times before and it becomes crystal clear and evident to me later why things happened the way they did. But in the heat of the moment, things are confusing and tortuous...and you scream inside and cry and wonder why. One must just have faith and know that sometime in the future it will become apparent why.
That doesn't stop me from being a rebel and wanting something that I either can't have or should not want. It's human to feel like this, it's only natural to let it be. I'm not ready to give up and accept defeat. Not when I actually got off my ass and tried to get what I wanted this time. Not when I decided I was going to pursue what I wanted instead of sitting by and watching it slip away, never knowing what could have been like I have done many times before. I'm tired of accepting fate, that's why I did what I did and what I'm doing now. So I can take charge and get what I want, dammit...!
My friends tell me to move on, that I'm wasting my time. I know they're right but I don't know why I don't listen. Maybe I'm just that stupid. No, I'm not. I just want something and I'm used to getting what I want.
current mood:  frustrated
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
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8:40 pm - and now
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And now I have hope again. Thank God for good friends. What would I ever do without such support? Even if the hope does not last long, one can be optimistic that it indeed will carry on for as long as we need it. One can be optimistic that things will work out in our favor for once. I can go to sleep and look forward to the coming week again, and put this gloominess aside as it does not help. I am so grateful for the people in my life who care about me and help me out every day. I only wish that I can return the favor one day.
current mood: hopeful
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5:59 pm - numerology
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Whenever I try to type the word "numerology," I always end up typing "numberology." It's simple muscle memory. "Numerology" is not an often typed word, whereas "number" is.
Here's my numerology report from ProAstro. That website has some fun stuff. You know, like when you're bored and lonely and there's nothing to do but surf the web.
Numerology.
What an awfully depressing weekend I had. *sigh* All one can do at a time like this is be patient and have faith in the higher powers that be that everything happens for a reason, and in due time one will realize that things happen in such a way because in the long run it is for the better. What else can I do? Cry myself to death? That's not going to solve any problems! Blargh. Just live day by day, I say...
Or am I really destined to be sad and alone my entire life? I hope not, it would be worse than anything I could imagine. When all I really ever truly wanted was to be truly happy. To love and be loved. To be accepted into someone's life, because I so much want to let someone into my life...it's too much to put into words...how did I end up in this predicament? I really don't even know.
I don't want to be a wreck of a person...
current mood: sad
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bored