Blurty for The thing with no name.

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

Time:4:47 pm.
I really need to stop writing in my online journals. I've found places to rant and vent and I should keep it to just a couple spots.

It seems to only make things worse when I write in here, so I might be limiting to my deviantArt journal (

Camp registration forms came. I'm excited. :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 19th, 2004

Subject:Freaking out again.
Time:3:56 pm.
My life is falling apart before my very eyes.


And I told you before, I knew what I was doing when I got into this. Don't tell me what I already know. Not everything is your fault but a lot of how I feel sometimes is based on what you do/say to me. You never mean it though, its only 'cause I take too much to heart. It is my fault, and stupid chemical shit, but you can't blame me for trying.


Its hard enough as it is. And now I find out that the rough draft of my Bio research paper is due tomorrow. How is it that I just found out today? I'm so upset/angry/confused/sad/destructive right now and I just want to go and hide in a hole or die.

Subject:Thoughts from a dangerous mind.
Time:2:09 pm.
...And I hate you right now because you're such a liar to us all; to me, to you, to everyone...

...And I hate this feeling of not knowing who I am, who you are, what I'm doing, and why all this is happening to me. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead; not worrying about you, me, or why you keep hurting me unintentionally

...You've hurt me where it hurts most and though I can forgive you, I can't move on even if I tried...

All I want to know is why you choose to lie to me and to yourself and change your mind all the time. Of course you're allowed to change your mind, but why do you deny ever changing it?

Stop hurting me. I just want to stop having someone to make me cry; I do enough of that on my own.

Saturday, January 17th, 2004

Time:1:23 pm.
Its been a few days and I'm doing okay. I have faith in those that have faith in me, so I'm hoping this lasts.

...I hope you understand that when I say I mean it, I do and I never thought I'd be this way. I mean it...

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Subject:Happy Days.
Time:4:28 pm.
Mood: happy.
I'm so happy right now, its insane. I know it won't last, but I'm so glad this feeling is here now at least. I'm gonna go check out the sunset in a minute, to see if its photo-worthy (it always is, but I'm picky heh).

We don't have school tomorrow 'cause its gonna be -20 degrees Farenheight! Cooolllldddnessss.... But awesome!!

Elias's friend Paula came over yesterday, she's really cute. She was kind of quiet, but still really sweet. I wonder if he'll have more playdates with her and if she'll remember my name... (Ashley doesn't, heh).


Okay I just took a few pictures of the sunset, it was beautiful of course, but I still need to find a better place to catch it other than the hill in my neighborhood and my attic window. Someday I'll make Nika drive me around, just before the sun sets, so I can find another good photo spot. Or several more. We'll see, we'll see...

Anyway, I'm super happy right now, so hopefully I'll be able to remember this feeling when I'm feeling gloomy. I hope I find something good to do for the rest of today, even if its just reading happily or sleeping happily.

As long as its happy.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

Subject:Not exactly how I've feeling, but it fits.
Time:6:01 pm.
Music:Everclear "Evergleam".
I always thought you didn’t know that
I’ve always known that truth means pain
And that somehow through all the badness,
There would be a positive gain.

I’ve always loved being the one
That can see the truth through the lies.
Now I see all those things inside you
And all I can think is how to die.

You’re shooting bullets of caring in me
In places where all the bad things hide.
I know that you’re only trying to help release
These sad feelings that I’ve been holding inside.

You know that my ‘medication’ doesn’t help.
The non-existence happiness, you know where it lies.
I’ve always known that the truth would hurt me
But now I don’t see the positive gain.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 12th, 2004

Subject:As usual, I am horribly bored.
Time:4:58 pm.
Music:Everclear - "Sunshine (That Acid Summer)".
Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's
beauty and just the life that no-one else sees.
Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't
mean you're not friendly!

What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your element is Air. You are an artistic person
with a unique sense of style. You are
intelligent; although prone to wonder in
thought which, prevents you from paying full
attention to most things, constantly active and
most likely like to sing. Constantly moving the
air is a force of nature. One moment you can be
a breeze the next a tornado.

What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

arwen looking lovingly :::sigh:::
Yeah!!! Good job you know as much, or almost as
much as me about Lotr! I'm glad you took my
quiz and I'm really glad you seem to like Lotr,
please rate my quiz! but if it was bad or
anything was inacurate please message me ^_^

Xox The Best Movie Quiz on Lord of the Rings xoX
brought to you by Quizilla

arwen looking lovingly :::sigh:::
Yeah!!! Good job you know as much, or almost as
much as me about Lotr! I'm glad you took my
quiz and I'm really glad you seem to like Lotr,
please rate my quiz! but if it was bad or
anything was inacurate please message me ^_^

Xox The Best Movie Quiz on Lord of the Rings xoX
brought to you by Quizilla

Rain: You are the sound of rain. You have two
important sides. There is your strong, powerful
side and your calm, gentle side. Both are very
important. Rain also reflects a bit of darkness
in your personality. It isn't bad, just shows
that along with the good, you also can see bad,
which can come in handy. (please rate my quiz)

What Sound Are You?(now w/ pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


Which Lord of the Rings person do you want? (many out comes for anyone plus pics to)
brought to you by Quizilla

Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and
sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if?
With a clever mind, you want to explore the
world on a different level. Without the
answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are
most likely very creative and find yourself
thinking things through on a different level.

**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is completely naked and cold. Scared. You
are totally honest and trusting with people.
You get hurt and taken advantage of easily.
Right now you are feeling betrayed and maybe
lonely. It's ok. This will make you stronger.
Pretty soon your soul will be wearing a suit of
shining armor.

How naked is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thats all of this shit that I can take for now. Nothing has improved since last night.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 11th, 2004

Subject:I'm ready to die this time.
Time:10:01 pm.
Mood:ready to die..
I don't want to see your faces.
I don't want to know that you're okay.
I don't want to listen to your joyful shit
All those things that you tell me are true.

I don't want to listen to your nonsense
All those horrid lies that you tell them.
I don't want to have to see tomorrow
And I don't want to have to feel this pain.

You never told me you were a druggie.
You never said any truth in any of it.
You never listened when I tried to tell you
That all I wanted was to be held and be missed.

I don't want to listen to your nonsense
All those horrid lies that you tell them.
I don't want to have to see tomorrow
And I don't want to have to feel this pain.

There only seems to be one way out of here
And I can see it as clearly as the light of night.
You're only making me know self-harm
By carving overexposed feelings into my heart.

I'm ready to block out all this static sound.
I'm ready to shut out all these painful pictures.
I'm ready to bury it all deep in the ground.
I'm ready to die this time.

Spur of the moment song shit isn't helping me feel any better. I still want to cry until my voice is hoarse or die and never see any of these things again.

Please try and help me before I self-implode. Imagine all that I've written tonight, in all my online journals (livejournal, blurty, and deviantArt), as being said by me on the verge of tears. Or if you can't imagine that, imagine the most emotional scene you've ever seen in a movie and thats what this is like for me.

Except things are always "happily ever after" in the movies. Life isn't.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:I'm in a good mood so far today...
Time:11:38 am.
Mood: content.
Music:a song from "The Return of the King" soundtrack.
I'm watching VH1s 100 Hottest Hotties, they're on the top ten... Here are my favorites:

91. Kiera Knightly (lucky... she got Orlando AND Jack Sparrow)
76. Orlando Bloom (oh COME ON, he's an elf and a pirate! That means hottie)
65. Tyrese (oh yeah, 2 Fast 2 Furious)
50. Catherine Zeta-Jones (I love her! She's gorgeous)
49. Paul Walker (you know it, 2 Fast 2 Furious)
39. Heath Ledger (A Knights Tale...10 Thing I Hate About You...he rocks)
11. J. lo (for...guess it Jilly...her ass! Plus she's gorgeous.)
10. Viggo Mortensen (he has the most original name ever! Plus he's hot.)
8. 50 Cent ('cause he IS hot)
7. Halle Barry (she's hot AND really cool. I mean, com'on.. Storm!)
5. Johnny Depp (no need to say why)

and number 1 is...
Beyonce? Eh...whatever. I don't think Ashton Kutcher deserves #3 either, but its not up to me anyway.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 10th, 2004

Subject:Why do they do that to me?
Time:2:45 pm.
Mood:out in the open..
And all I wanted to make my life better, at least for today, was to have a sleepover.

...and then I found that you're trying to hide things from me again. All I want to do is cry and I don't have a reason to do it and nowhere to hide.

...its days like these that I resort to my "pain reliever"...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Subject:Out in the open...but not.
Time:3:08 pm.
Mood: sad.
I hate the smell of food. It is no longer a sense of comfort for me, it had been for a long time, but now its just a reminder. It reminds me of things that I hate and things that I once loved...but can't anymore. Its diffiult to explain and I don't want to, so I guess I won't.

Why do I bother writing in here anyway? Its the same with my livejournal and deviantArt journal, why do I bother if a) no one reads it, b) no one understands whats being said if they do read it, and c) I can write what I really mean in a real journal? ::sigh:: Maybe I'll figure it out someday... I want to stop writing in my online journals, but I kind of like the sense that maybe someone is reading them and understanding. Its not worth it though, no one gets it and if they do, its only trouble for both of us.

Maybe I'll just stop with my journals. Last time I tried that, I came back after...40 something days? Something like that.

Why? Probably 'cause I have nothing better to do. And it doesn't really help me, as much as we'd all like to think that.

...I hate this feeling of emptiness...
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 3rd, 2004

Subject:And now you know the truth...
Time:4:08 pm.
Mood:a bit relieved...and worried..
...if you saw it, that is. I put it as inconspicuously as I could.

Thats just who I am and I'm sorry if you don't like it. I'm dealing with things the best I can right now. I do my best not to criticize your ways of dealing with problems, so please don't criticize mine.

Shun me, take me off your friends/buddy list, hate me silently, voice your opinion, or accept me as I am. Its your choice, but I'll have you know that it will hurt me more to see you go if that is your choice.

I'm sorry if it hurts you and even more sorry if you don't know what I'm talking about. Don't ask if you dont know, please. I love you all, please remember that no matter what you decide.

Eowithien and me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

Subject:Ah...the snow.
Time:11:33 am.
Mood: content.

My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?

Isn't that special? It used to be PG, I think, it went up. I wouldn't exactly say thats a good thing, but its not bad either.

Ah... the snow is so pretty. Even though I know it won't last til tomorrow ('cause its gonna rain).

Rain is not a good thing to have on my audition day, it'll make me nervous. I'm not good arond people when it rains.

But the snow is calming at least.

I've noticed something...that you comment on the most recent entries in my journals. If I've updated the night before, there won't be any comments on that because you don't look below the most recent entry. I would advise that you look below the most recent entries to see if you've missed some.

...keep it, keep it...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 1st, 2004

Subject:Watching Bravo...
Time:10:02 pm.
Mood: curious.
Music:the sounds of "Queer Eye" on TV nearby.
...I saw a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" music video for the theme song! It was so funny. It made me hso happy to see it that I almost cried. Not even crying like I was laughing so hard...I just utterly and truely and joyfully wanted to cry.

That happened to me during the preview for "Hidalgo" when we went to see ROTK on New Years Eve too. I just felt so empathetically towards the people in that story and I just wanted to cry. For joy and for sadness because I do no belong in this time that I was born in.

No one belongs in the time that they are born, really. Over their lifetime, they find out where they might have belonged. I think I would've belonged in any time but now. I would've been happiest in the 1920s in America. Most content with adventure in England or an English colony during the 1800s. These are difficult times that we live in and I would love to meet someone that belongs here in the see if I can learn from them perhaps.

I'm a sucker for classic romance. Its sad really; I know exactly what kind of person would suit me as a boyfriend, but I can't seem to find them, no matter how hard I do or don't look.

...And in this I share my most intimate secrets, but you barely show your smiles to my expectant hopes...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:12:02 pm.
Happy Birthday Elsa!!!!
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003

Time:11:29 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:Auld Lang...that New Years song. Don't know the whole name..
Me and me mum went to see "Return of the King" tonight (again, for both of us). I'll admit that I didn't really want to see it during the first 15 minutes or so, but I got back into it soon. Then someone was smoking in the theater. That was annoying enough but it wasn't even something legal. Me mum said 'twas marijuana and I agreed (though I hadn't smelled it before, it smelled like the incense I had tried to make once upon a time (herbs, get it?)). Anywho, they stopped after a bit and I enjoyed the rest of the movie.

So now I'm watching Looney Toons with my parents and typing on the laptop. Its nice. I'll have sparkling cider at midnight, shower as soon as I'm ready, and go to bed when I feel like it. I love vacation. I get to have quality time with myself, as long as some dangerously boring times with my mind... Right, anyway. This has been a nice New Years Eve, despite the pothead in the theatre, the lack of Barnes & Noble hot chocolate, and spending the night with my parents.

I love Bugs Bunny.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Thus ends the year of movies...
Time:11:06 am.
Mood:just here.. we enter into the year of shopping.

This year, we, "the sisters," vow to do more shopping than in the previous year and get more clothes.


...lalalalalalalalalalalalalaLAlalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.... (yes that is an actual song, I just don't know the words, its some New Years thing)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, December 29th, 2003

Subject:EMPIRE RECORDS!!!!!!!!!
Time:9:52 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:"Say no more, mon amour!!!! ::opera style sung by old lady::.



"I do not regret the things I've done but those I did not do." -Lucas

"Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!" -Gina
"You get smarter the shorter your skirt gets." -Deb
"And you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so its good that you went with that." -Gina

"Well my name is with... ::checks name tag:: a 'K' :heheh:, so I was thinking my band would be with a 'C' so its like that psychadelic trip thing." -Mark

"Isn't it customary to leave the scene after comitting a crime?" -Gina ::watching Warren run through store after shoplifting::

"Attention Rex Manning fans: to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by the night manager Lucas ::last name::. This young man will be caught deep-fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first 100 customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records." -Gina ::observing Lucas chasing Warren::

Joe: "How old are you?"
Warren: "Old enough to kick your butt through your skull and splatter your brains on the wall."
Joe: ::on phone:: "Yeah he's a juvinele."

Lucas: "Warren! Where do get this hostility from?"

Warren: "Who glued these quarters down?"
A.J.: "I did."
Warren: "What the hell for?"
A.J.: "I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren."

Lucas: "Look what you took. Rap, metal, rap, metal, Whitney Houston."
Warren: "It's for my girlfriend, okay."
Lucas: "Sure it is. Someone like you needs to diminish their criminal impulses not magnify them. Maybe some jazz or some classical."
Warren: "Maybe you bite me."


Good day, good day...
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, December 28th, 2003

Subject:A selfish prayer...::evil laughs::
Time:9:50 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:some Everclear song..don't know the name..
I am PRAYING to whoever will hear me that my photo get at least 15 views by tomorrow morning.


I really just want at least 3 comments on it...that would be two higher than I've ever gotten on a piece of my work (that I haven't commented on by myself).

Its really neat, I promise. C'mon, you know you want to make me heh.

Constructive criticism anyone?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Sah..bored already.
Time:2:45 pm.
Mood:good then bad..
Music:Nico - "These Days," I hate this song..
Yeah, I enjoy making up onamatopeias (whoa..spelling on that one?) and words. I've been sketching all afternoon, haven't even filled up a page yet. I usually prefer pencil over pen and lined paper over plain, but I'm doing pen on printer paper...and its fun. I haven't sketched in pen since about 5th grade, so this is rather new to me. I was never really good at it either. They weren't... sketches then, more of drawings. No shading or depth or detail. Well, least I try. I might do some pencil sketches later, but "Gege" Bob is coming over (Russian (yeah, more) for uncle, thats how its pronounced but I don't know how to spell it) within the next hour. It'll be nice to see him, 'cause he rocks, but I hope he doesn't stay long...

..I was having fun running through people's deviantArt accounts and sketching and stuff. Thats why.

La-tee-daa... Yeap, just typing, sketching, and singing along to my music list on RealOne Player. Oh, and I read the GSA journal earlier. It "royally" scared me (as I told Jilly), I guess they don't understand (even though we tell them all the time) that even though they try and be so accepting of people, they still exclude a lot of people. You can't be a peacemaker if you hate. As I've found...'cause I've tried to be a peacemaker basically my whole life, but found that I can't because people don't want the peace. Or I hate something that involves the want for peace...I don't know, I can't think of any examples as of now, but it seems to apply.

Coolness, I made up a good quote (see bold phrase above). That made my day almost worthwhile. HAHAH thats a good one. Yeah, I'm sarcastic today.

Nike left for Tennessee (more spelling problems I think) today. I think I'll miss her. 'Cause we won't have easy rides anymore heh. Oh well, she'll have fun and I'll enjoy hearing all about her trip.

...and an afternoon that seemed peaceful and good was killed by the word 'sarcasm'...

I hate this feeling.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Blurty for The thing with no name.

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