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"the cycle repeats..." [07 Oct 2003|11:50pm] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Killswitch Engage - Life to Lifeless ] I've been thinking way too much lately. then again, isn't that me every day? Just questioning here and there, and just plainly wondering about things and people. It sucks, I doubt people because of past experiences. wonder if that's considered healthy. *sarcasm* I know that doubt is something everyone deals with, but it's just something i wish i wouldn't have to deal with at times. I wonder if my friends actually care about me sometimes. I wonder who truly cares, and who really doesn't. and I hate how a couple of bad experiences just made my doubt in people grow even more. That's even a theory in Psychology... Psychologically, all the so called "issues" we have as a person now, trace back to our pasts... well that's an easy given about life period. I don't think it takes a theorist or a psychologist to draw that conclusion, all it takes is some common sense and logic. guess it's open to interpretation. I've always had a bit of trouble adjusting to change, but I end up accepting it either way. just have to take things as they come, and just accept the fact that certain things can't remain the same. I act upon the above, and yet I somehow end up thinking things changing are sometimes a result of something I did. Maybe I did do something, maybe I didn't, or I could just be completely oblivious to it. Who knows. I shouldn't even be dwelling on this, I know the type of mood I can end up in after thinking so much. At least I can write about it, it'll be something trivial to laugh at when I have to face a serious problem. Like when I read about my problems when I was 14 in an old journal of mine, seems like so long ago. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I don't feel 17, age is just a number. I can really miss that sweet blissful ignorance I had as a child. Hell, doesn't everyone? But I don't think I would have liked to remain "blissfully ignorant", the thought of living my life obliviously is a very unsettling thought just knowing trivial things about life. On a lighter note, Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, and Lamb of God, are coming to town. I REALLY want to go, but I don't know If I'll be able to buy tickets :/ and if I do get tickets, I need someone to go with and Rosy can't go because she's punished again, and concerts alone aren't fun, as much as I really want to go. *sigh* we'll see what happens, hopefully I can get tickets AND find someone to go with. enough of my thoughts, I have yet another day at "Helltown" tomorrow...otherwise known as Newtown. night. post comment

nature is a whore..... [05 Oct 2003|12:40am] [ mood | bah! ] [ music | me humming Nirvana's In Bloom.. ] Kurt Cobain was damn right... NATURE IS A WHORE! my throat is better, so is my cough...but now it's.. my fucking sinuses! feels like someone's trying to sink my eyes in. bleh help :/ rosy has a gift, she can magically twist my words around and have me do it subconsciously. how nice..lol i won't even go there...haha. maybe i should go to bed.... night! post comment

"it's been a while...." [03 Oct 2003|07:00pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins and Finger Eleven ] whoa....haven't updated in the longest. well, to continue from where i left off, i went to Irving Plaza with Rosy to go see if we'd perhaps run into Maynard James Keenan or, one of my favorite guitarists, Billy Howerdel. so we just ended up breathing the same air as them..lol we went with Rosy's little brother Junior(Phil) 15 and a bit more female than I... uses a purse? m-hm. yep. i don't like him much anymore, he's such a little brat, and he tends to use his "panic attacks" as a dramatic effect. we ended up meeting some guy with an orange beatles shirt, turns out he lives in Briarwood, which is past forest hills and such. Rosy thought he liked me, and i of course didn't think so. Junior thought so as well, but that's cause he's gay and good at stuff like that. i'm just oblivious when it comes to knowing when guys like me. yet i can tell when other people like someone. hmf. he was supposed to take the train back home with us, but rosy and i concluded that he paid some security guard to let him into the APC show, after he literally meditated across the street when he needed to decide to go if the guard let him in or not. uh huh *odd look on face* guess that was just a little weird...just a bit. lol. don't get any ideas....i didn't get his name or phone number. I usually don't do things like that, especially when it's just someone i met out of nowhere, who all i knew about was that he's a big Tool fan, likes The Beatles, meditates in public, wanted to check out A Perfect Circle, and shook my hand all oddly with this weird goofy smile to his face. now that i'm thinkin' about...he sounds kinda hmm...yeah...anyway... hmm... I FINALLY GOT TO SEE COLD AND FINGER ELEVEN LIVE!!!! *snoppy dance* I've missed Finger Eleven in 2001, and 3 TIMES this year! Cold I've Missed 3 times this year as well because they were on tour with Finger Eleven. fourth time was a charm ;) Cold and Finger Eleven were "supporting acts" for... Evanescence. yup, that's right. pfft! Rosy and I thought that was shit, and it should've been Evanescence as the supporting act for Cold and Finger Eleven. Finger Eleven opened the show, rosy was still being "felt up" by the female securitylol I felt violated...so did Rosy..lol and as soon as she was done I was like "HURRY UP!!" as soon as i heard the intro to "Above" and i ran up the stairs... WITHOUT TRIPPING!! Rosy was proud...so was Steve when i told him..lol me being all accident prone, who wouldn't be proud..haha. they opened with "Above" one of my favorites off their 1st album "Tip" Finger Eleven used to call themselves "the rainbow butt monkeys" hehe. then they played Good Times, Complicated Questions, One Thing, Converstations. I really wanted them to play Stay In Shadow, Thousand Mile Wish, and Obvious Heart. Scott Anderson's voice is amazing live! Hearing James play guitar live, was just...wow. he's very theatrical on stage. really fun to watch along with Rick making freaky faces while playing guitar. their set was pretty short, i was kinda grumpy about that....damn Revis. Revis was boring, enough said, i yawned through their set..lol Then....Dum dum dum... COLD!! well they played..hmmm...let me take out the playlist from their set since i caught it when it was thrown by one of the stage crew members...heh heh heh! Cold played: Gone Away, Remedy, Don't Belong, No One, Cure My Tragedy, Condession, Suffocate, Sick Of Man, Stupid Girl, and Just Got Wicked. Hearing Suffocate live was pure THERAPEUTICAL BLISS!! i dedicate that song to oh 2 people in my life. a female who was once a friend of mine, who basically backstabbed me to date this in the closet homosexual with his rampant faggotry...lol oh i love Caesar for that one :P so Suffocate basically goes out those 2, they're not worth naming by their actual names or explaining the whole story and how it involves me. all i have to say in reference to them is: Karma is a more malicious bitch than i can ever be. enough of that. moving on... Cold's set was amazing!!! i lost my voice just singing along to Finger Eleven and Cold. i actually didn't recognize Confession when they began to play it, kinda reminds me of James...asshole. Would have been nice to hear Broken Words live, even though that song also reminds me of James, i liked him back during freshman year. He basically fucked with my head a lot, and treated me pretty badly whenever he was drunk. Don't even remember why i liked him, or maybe i just rather not remember :/ he began to be really mean to me when i didn't let him kiss me while hanging out after school one day. I got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i just backed away the 3 times he tried to kiss me. He'd tell me how much i meant to him, how much he cared about me, and then he'd be off liking other girls and he just had me as a "back up" you can say...thinking he could be with me when he wanted. he moved away, he lives in Long Island now...and while he was there he decided to comment on my Livejournal and call me a whore,slut,bitch,spic, and a "poser spic". i think the last "Insult" really shows his level of intelligence. i hate both words with a passion. after that i basically told him to leave me the fuck alone and a couple of months after he decided to IM me saying that he was sorry, that he missed me, that he regrets what he did to me, treating me the way he did, and that he just felt rejected when i backed away because he liked me a lot. yeah....treat a girl really badly and that'll show her how much you like her. i talked to him for like a night, and then told him that i couldn't talk to him...what he did was too fucked up and that was the end of it. oddly enough, i can sing Broken Words really well....but i don't listen to it much, since it saddens me a bit. according to Melissa, he asked about me. *this is how much i care look to face* oh fucking well....he screwed with my emotions and mind. Funny that Franz, who i liked before James was friends with James and tried to have me as a "back up" as well...he gave up once i figured out what he was all about. he and i still talk, but it's the casual acquaintance talk. Rosy made me crack about James since he was always trying to be "goth" and now he's an Abercrombie and Fitch model...LMAO! he used say "i wanna die" a lot. rosy says "so damn die already since u wanna die so bad" to that..lol people wonder why i like to remain without a label...unless you count my mom labeling me "abnormal". abnormal? then what is normal? i don't believe in "normal", to me there's no such thing. everyone has their own definition of what they consider "normal" or "routine". i just live my life day by day. back to the concert, i didn't get a guitar pick from James Black...*sniffle* but i got a picture with him!! woohoo! i looked like shit after the concert, but oh well..lol this blond bitch in front of me who was a "hardcore evanescence fan" caught a COLD guitar pick. grrr...should've beaten her up for it....she didn't even know who Cold was!! what kinda crap is that! what is she gunna use the pick to remove the dirt from under her fake nails? at least i'd use it and then treasure it till i die. enough of that.... i'm currently sick, i have a bad cold. damn NYC temperature changes and everyone being sick at school along with my dad at home. i stayed home from school today, i felt horrible last night and i kept on waking up and coughing. i have pretty bad body aches...my toes were even hurting last night. school is alright, tiring, but it's my last year at the hell that is Newtown. they already have Prom signs up! What the fuck! it's October!! i'm indecisive about Prom, i want to go, and then i don't. i'd be the one most likely to arrive at her prom stay for an hour or less and be like "screw this joint, i'm out of here" lol. and just basically ditch my own prom. but i know if i don't go i'll end up regreting it, because i'm just Kelly like that. I think i'll go alone and just hang out with the very few close friends i have at Newtown. it'll be decent even if it sucks, i'll have Angie being a puerto rican nut as usual and telling me "kelly you're so hot! if i was a guy i'd..." yeah..lol Angie's gettin the dress that i designed for her made, same with Michelle and Elvan. i think that's the only thing i'm seriously liking, my friends asking me to design their dresses. but of course...i don't know what i'm wearing..lol I'll probably design a dress that requires burgundy red chinese silk and some black lace...definitely! hmm.... i have no one to talk to :/ people aren't home....i think i'll call steve, i haven't talked to him in a while. hopefully he's home and i can have some sort of company even though it's on the phone. later... post comment

bah. [29 Jul 2003|07:40pm] [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | just bouncing around in my music collection. ] I was checking my hotmail, and i got this from the lollapalooza mailing list, and well... i'm pretty disappointed, but eh, can't mope about it much, not like i'd be able to go anyway. grrr. BAH! so this is it: We are proud to bring you a special offer from Lollapalooza and Jane's Addiction to celebrate the release of Jane's Addiction's new album "Strays". Bring your "Strays" CD or a receipt for your "Strays" CD to the box office on Wed. 7/30 and a copy of this email and you can purchase two tickets to Lollapalooza at Jones Beach for just $10 each. Congratulations to Jane's Addiction on a #1 Single "Just Because" and on an incredible new album. We look forward to seeing you at the show! To reserve your tickets, please reply to this email with the total number of $10 tickets you will be purchasing. :( missed lollapalooza, missed Finger Eleven and Cold 2 times each this year! and A Perfect Circle tickets are sold out. bah! Rosy and I are still stoping by irving plaza on the day of their concert to see if we run into Maynard James Keenan or Billy Howerdel, which would be pretty fuckin' wicked. Rosy and I would probably faint or not be able to speak...lol I'd be happy with just meeting billy howerdel! After meeting James Black of Finger Eleven i think i could handle it ;P bleh, i hate it when i don't know what to listen to. hm, Malmsteen? Sepultura? Cannibal Corpse? decisions, decisions. i think i'm gunna lay down and listen to Malmsteen, then some Led Zeppelin. guess i'm feelin' classic tonight ;) be back later.... post comment

whoa, it's been a while.... [25 Jul 2003|12:09pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Finger Eleven - Thousand Mile Wish ] well, i've finally switched internet companies because RCN bites some major ass. i have time warner now, hope it all goes well and that they don't give me crap like RCN did.' i've been decent i guess. my classes at F.I.T went really well, they ended yesturday...i'm a little sad because it was a way out of the house, and i absolutely love the city and all. i have no idea what i'm going to do now. Magarita wants me to tutor her son jose again, i will, but only 4 days a week please rain or shine. a 7-yr old has no reason to be tired unless he was up late watching cartoons on the cartoon network. *Shrug* i need the money, i need some khakis, new sneakers, and shoes. erica's home for the weekend. she was pissing me off last night. she's "messing" around with some guy who's 20, and she's 29. a friend of hers called her R.Kelly. lmao. i dunno she says he means nothing to her but it doesn't sound like it when she's on the phone with him. i'm just not gunna give her advice on the matter because she just denies certain things. if she wants advice i'll be blunt as always and if she doesn't like it, or just to take it into consideration it's her choice. i love my sister and all...but bah. the things i say to her most wouldn't think i'm only 17 years old they'd think i'm like 20 something. odd. she laughs that i give her advice when she's 29. haha. guess it is kinda funny. as for my mother, she was throwing stuff in erica's face because gisel was calling the house. my mom was complaining that she only calls when erica's in town and after all the times she fed her she should call to at least say hi to her. funny part is that she holds agression towards gisel when she found out from her that erica was seeing Tania, who's a witch. and my mom was also seeing a witch. shouldn't my mom be the thankful to gisel and quit being a hypocrite and admit she saw a witch as well? welcome to my family people! as for me living at f.i.t's dorms, that's not happening because it's 6,258 plus the tuition being anywhere from 2,750-3,400 yeah. and my parents don't have that kind of money even with grants. financial aid here i come! i can always live at rosy's...lol my mom and i had a big fight about that, she said why live there when you can live here and go to school. then she started crying... then i began to wish someone would want to be me for a day. but she did offer me her and my dad's room...but i'm taking the computer with me. fuck that. and i think i'll get a lock for that door. heh heh. that door will always be closed :) i hope i get into F.I.T. i really like it there, and the other schools i'm applying to are in San Francisco, Fort Lauderdale, and Philadelphia. hmph. college is really just around the corner for me. i'm glad, i've had more than enough of high school drama. i'm feeling a bit strange. i'm not sad, not angry i'm just "there" it's kinda like i don't know what i'm feeling. inadequacy... i'm missing a lot of people. Rosy, Angie, Steve, Angel, Caesar... and a couple of others. hopefully we'll all do some hanging out this month i have left. i went to Cindy's birthday party this month on the 12th... i wasn't drinking, i swear. lol i was really in the mood for some johnnie walker, but it wasn't really available. so i just had vodka and bacardi flowing around my system. i was "nice"..lol of course the things a nice top, a short black skirt, and flip flops can cause. so yeah i had one guy who was a pothead, cokehead, drug dealer, who has a daughter, trying to "kick it" to me. and his best friend was also a cokehead trying to do the same. i just dance some merengue with them both. his best friend jon, asked for my phone number and i said "how bout no?" "oh dats fucked up" "i'm glad you think so" *smiles* "i just wanna get to know u, we can just talk on the phone" "did u not understand my point i want no type of attachment with a guy?" "u mad fucked up" "i know, glad u think so" it's strange, after steve i really just rather be single, and all i tend to attract are guys who are just not my type, and not even worth my time. then emmanuel, a guy i consider a friend, tried to kiss me the last day of class? WHAT the hell!! he had his arms around my waist and i literally had to shove him off me...actually close to punching him. then i went to hug noe and he was like "get off her she's my kelly" "WHAT! i belong to no one thank u" "fine then". what kind of shit is that? didn't know i could be owned! told angel about him, even he noticed i don't like that attention, then again he's angel and very logical. rosy calls emmanuel a mexican horndog. lol. he's going into his 6th year of h.s. heh, talk about a six year plan...especially at a school like newtown. today i think i'm gunna head out to circuit city with Erica. we need a new house phone and i need new head phones. maybe i'll stop by the mall and buy something. it's too nice to stay in. later. be back later.. post comment

"and i'll win the fight...." [12 Jun 2003|03:36pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | ACDC - TNT ] just what i damn needed, i'm going to get a migraine soon.... *yawn* that felt better... just got up from nap, my right temple started jumping like all hell...so i had to lay down. Me getting migraines would mean that I: Have finals Summer's almost here. all this damn humidity today, of course i'd have a damn migraine! that, and i haven't been sleeping well either lately. i've been gone a while, i'm alright i guess. actually, i don't know whats up with me really. i'm strangely annoyed and irritable. i've been feeling a little lonely. everyone seems to have someone, but me... then again, things are barely ever what they seem to be. probably just seems that way and it's not....i'll get over it. i have these little moody lapses of emotion, then i'm okay again. i'll just be happy and all of a sudden i'm so damn tempermental and i want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. and no, it's not PMS. glad it's not either, pms is such a damn pain ugh. guess it is just a phase. went to volleyball tryouts on tuesday. considering i haven't played REAL volleyball in about a year, i did pretty well. 2 girls were ticking me off since they felt the need to spike every mother fuckin 5 minutes. and because of that, Elvan and i were actually yawning on the court. one of them was in my fuckin' way of the ball on my side of the court. ugh....grrr. then when she told me she "got it" she didn't, because it was MY ball. bah ha, good for her ass >:P lol i also went through the whole "why do people have me around" bit. i told rosy "i don't know why people keep me around for" she told me "because you're Kelly, everyone loves you and you know it. you're a good person and friend, thats why people keep you close" that made me feel better, mildly at least. kinda hate it when she's right, bah. lol. the spring concert went okay, i just played in the classical group piece. "don't know why" wasn't ready enough to perform. kinda glad i didn't perform, it felt too rushed anyway. so i'll probably be performing in the winter concert. oh yeah, as for Chris, i hope his dick withers off and falls, and maybe his friends will wanna fuck him since he is gay. oo, that was mean of me! too bad!! lol. he's really angry: www.livejournal.com/users/evanescence666 and he wants my friend Christina dead. he wants to hurt a girl? really, i would love for him to try. oh yeah, and he says i'm fat and ugly. i'm fat and ugly once i figure out his wanna be player game and tell him to fuck off right? but before i was so pretty and cute. such comedy. oh the things i could do to him, but i'll let karma do it >:P first of all, i'm not skinny or fat, Paul calls me "pudgie" for a reason. and i'm not spilling out of my clothes so he really can go fuck his male blow up doll. he also said any guy that likes me is just desperate....lol so shit steve must have been really desperate because he actually dated me ;) *sarcasm* lol. like angel said "he's just pissed off because he can't have you, and he's lucky a girl like you even paid attention to him" "aw" lol. chris is just trying to hurt me, by writing livejournal entries...yeah that shows hate..lol his attempts at hurting me don't hurt me at all...i just laugh my ass off >:D eh, karma will get him ;) guess thats one more person to haunt when i die >:) as for eddie, well he wanted to visit today....pick up his incense. he didn't come anway...kinda glad, i took a nice nap..lol i told him simba destroyed his incense(lie). rosy was over one day and said "fuck that faggot i'm taking his incense" lol. so she did. he didn't care much that "simba got to them". i don't know if it's sad or realistic that i'm so numb to him. i feel like ice when it comes to him...just barely feel anything at all. what can i do, if i feel numb to him, i feel numb, i can't tell my emotions "yeah don't feel numb to him" eh, what can ya do. Erica's coming home for the weekend tomorrow! YAY! something to cheer me up! she's alright, getting through the whole break up with her dumbass ex boyfriend. geez, relationships are too much work, especially at this age of mine i'll just stay away from them..lol 2 more full days of school!!! i'll be taking classes at F.I.T this summer!! YAY! really excited about that..get to spend half of my summer designing from 9:30-12:30! :) do teachers seriously team up and say "hey, why don't we have our finals on the same day so they can really hate us!" BAH! The Finals i have tomorrow are: American History MATH English i'm most worried about math, i hope i pass. WISH ME LUCK! pray, wish me luck, call the four corners, just hope i pass please! well....off to study i go. later! post comment

"and you're sick of it all..." [24 May 2003|01:25am] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Finger Eleven - Sick of It All ] life is fucking hilarious. all i do is talk about myself right? yep, it's always about me....always. thats why some people think "oh hell Kelly's emotionless lets make her feel like shit" and FUCK THIS SHIT I'M GOING TO SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT. so i saw the Red Hot Chili Peppers this is how it went: I THINK I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW...LOL I HEARD UNDER THE BRIDGE LIVE!!!!! i dunno if i can die happy, but I AM HAPPY AS ALL HELL! heh, thats and oxymoron...yeah yeah i'm an English freak. I had sooooooooo much FUN at the concert!!! i completely forgot about all the shit in my life. i forgot about how i have finals coming up... how in some peoples eyes i'm a bitch... just all the crap in my life went in a hole, and i just headbanged/sang it all away. The Chili Peppers are so much fun to watch, such energy on stage it's unreal! they sounded AMAZING! they played their old stuff, to the newest, which i hadn't completely heard... but hell, i got to hear it LIVE! gotta go out an buy that album, i only have a couple of mp3s. *bends head forward* oh i need a massage... hearing Under the Bridge just made me think of the many "depressions" i've been in while listening to that song. it just made me happy to hear it live. i think i consider John Frusciante more of a guitar god than EVER! Flea walked out on his hands after they took a break...and then came back to perform Under the Bridge. Chad was funny while waiting for flea to walk out on his hands...he was playing a drum roll and just pretended to yawn at one point. :P Anthony Kiedis and his kick ass vocals and energy...jumpin' around stage. KICK ASS SHOW! :) Queens of the Stone Age were pretty great too, very good live band. they opened for the peppers along with... Mars Volta. i really didn't like them, some of their sounded like some weird high pitched rat squeaks. the lead singer has no idea what diction is while singing. the guitarist was decent, they're drummer was okie. bassist was as decent as the guitarist. maybe they suck live and their cd is okay. *shrug* oh well. i didn't go to school today(wednesday after show), i woke up with a very raspy voice and a sore body...and i could barely stay awake. so i stayed home, because i'm barely ever absent. i haven't been absent since last term. so shit i took a day off. pfft! i saw eddie at the show, according to him and oh well Chris fucking thinks so too all i talk about is me. eddie was mad because the night i had NO ONE to damn talk to and i felt HORRIBLE i didn't ask him "how he was?" yeah because WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT the first thing on my mind is "gee, wonder how eddie is doing?" KISS MY FUCKING ASS. I'm so numb when it comes to him. he hugged me and i felt nothing. it's better this way....he has his life and i have mine. i wish him the best of luck...i have a lot less drama and over sensitivity on his part to deal with. i like him not being a big part of my life, as cynical as that sounds, it's the truth. and apparently the only reason why Chris talks to me is because he wants to be "nice" and half the time he's a "jerk" to me anyway. and he said that. fuck him....yet another one who i just close off and less drama for me. yes! i'm so god damn sick of this shit. I DON'T NEED MOTHER FUCKING PITY FROM ANYONE ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO BARELY FUCKING KNOWS ME. "why do u even bother talking to me?" "because i wanna be nice but half the time i'm a jerk to you anyway :X" haha. aren't you just a fucking great person. what i could fucking say that i was asked to keep to myself. but I WILL keep it to myself. i just don't give a fuck anymore. i try and put myself first I'M A BITCH. i put myself last I'M A BITCH. i try and doing something good...what's the use i'll just end up the bitch right? as always. FUCK IT! i always end up the "bad one" somehow when i'm not. and you know what, I AM A GOOD PERSON. DON'T THINK SO? GOOD I'M GLAD...FUCK YOU. and due to the double standards of society most of the blame is on me right? it's nothing...i'm immune. i've been through a hell of a lot worse things in my life. it's nothing to me. on a lighter note, i got a 92 on my chemistry test. i'm very proud of myself. all that studying paid off. I was talking to friend in law Angel....he's not feeling too well. so i'm just trying to be there for him, like he's been for me. damn him and his dial-up he got booted. bah :/ i want summer to just god damn come already. i want the school year to be over. i just want things to get better. i'm sick of the same monotonous bullshit i deal with. ugh...why the hell isn't Steve or Angel online when i have no one to talk to....when people i don't feel like talking to are online. BAH. i think i'll go back to drawing. later. post comment

poetry... [13 May 2003|10:17pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | Tool - Stinkfist ] Untitled Refuse to fall, and be cradled by a soft touch Rather fall alone, and be cradled by silence and solitude Break apart and not break another… Infiltrate Let it all sink in, and not flood out Quick to hide, but not conceal Painted in a stare, what lies beneath Nothing to conceal, just truth within a stare A single stare to make insides cringe with emotion Nothing to do but stir within Mixed emotion, nothing to do but wait… Wait until it breaks open… Flooded And contained within me Imagery Not just a face, or a body, or a figment… Of someone’s imagination, but a mind Not painted “beauty” for the world to marvel at But plain truth embodied Not colored “beautiful” to grow envious at… Simple beauty to just explore Mystery behind the eyes… So dark, yet reflective… Mirror what she’s seen Invade her mind to know and feel what she has Cradle her closely until she reveals all… Taking you to the darkest and deepest corners of her soul Love Fear Hurt Care All bottled up, not to fear… No hurt to be unleashed Simple care, tenderness at the heart, no judgement to fear All this not in a body, but a mind… The simplest of beauty… Simple yet complex Dare to See? Sugar Sweet Sugarcoated… Seems like every corner I turn contains something or someone turned sour To sugar sweet with just a simple action or simple words Tainted, but coated perfect for the ever so imperfect world to accept Sweet on the outside, sour within… Or am I the one epitomizing that? It’s not “sweetness” that lies on top… Just fakeness painted “sweet” so eyes don’t become sore So the mind doesn’t contemplate sincerity and dishonesty Everyone has a little “sweetness” to them Just don’t let it be the kind that seeps into a truth filled mind Don’t sugarcoat the world for me… Don’t paint it sweet for my eyes to smile at, don’t block my words with sweet replies I’ll be sour for the world to see Don’t try and sugarcoat me I’ll see through the transparency placed upon me Can’t fool my mind… Too precious and complex to be broken apart Sour on the outside, sweet on the inside Or is it just the opposite? Decide what you want I’m not painted sweet for the world to see… But what is it that you see? Not here to fade into this surreal world But to stand apart from it… Don’t paint me sugar sweet… Better yet, don’t paint me anything at all Leave me as I am… Imperfect for the world to see hope you all liked... post comment

la di dumm..... [13 May 2003|06:00pm] [ mood | Bah. ] [ music | Norah Jones - Don't Know Why ] so i've been gone a week.... what's new? well i got my report card... my grades are as follows: MQ5A(2nd part of sequential 3)- 65 Guitar 2 - 95 Chem 2 - 75 Honors English 6 - 85 U.S His.Govt. - 85 Fashion Design 2 - 97 GPA - 83.67 funny, i dropped 5 points in english and history but my average is 2 points higher. hm...interesting :) quite proud of myself, but i wanna get my average up past an 86....gunna have to work my ass off. i can do it. so my sister Erica is coming tomorrow... *snoopy dance* can't wait to see her! my mom thinks she's coming on thursday, so she's surprising her tomorrow. she talked to one of her sorrority sisters, and i'm most likely going to be working in the city this summer. I'll also be taking fashion design classes at F.I.T this summer, from 9:30-12:30 not bad ;) guess my haven will be the village this summer :) i'm thinking about making some food and having steve,angel,rosy, and maybe someone else over on friday...not sure yet. i haven't made my lasagne in a while so it wouldn't be bad to do so. my Red Hot Chili Peppers concert is in a week.. i'm so damn excited! the spring concert is in 2 weeks, i'll be singing and having my art work on display. i'll be singing Don't Know Why by Norah Jones. according to Mr. Vasquez, my guitar teacher, i have a very 'beautiful and airy voice" *shrug* mkay...lol i hope i don't have to be dragged out on stage because of my nerves..lol i think i'll be alright. i have to have the song perfectly done by friday, if not we can't do it... oh yeah, no pressure...and i have sung this much since i was what 14? no pressure at all...heh. Rosy's not feeling too great, i hate it when i can't make her feel better.. i hate it when i can't make my friends feel better :/ i guess she'll feel better with time. hope she does. oh yeah...so chris said sorry for what he did, heh heh heh. i told him "i forgive, but i NEVER forget" which is true. he basically tried to make it seem that he didn't feel shit for me because he felt bad for christina and for putting her in the position we put her in. which basically means he did it out of guilt and pity. i told him i wouldn't tell christina, and i'm not...it's his job to...just shows he would actually keep certain things secret if he were to have a relationship with her.... like i dunno his sexuality? lol. yeah yeah i know, it was kinda mean of me. but it's all in fun ;) mhhmmm :P everything is coming at me so quick. school's almost over, spring concert coming up, chili peppers in a week.... SUMMER'S COMMING!!! YAY! :) hopefully this will be a good summer... last summer was just kinda bleh. highlights of last year would be: writing lots of Poetry Drawing a lot. going to orlando beating up erica's now ex boyfriend. getting extrememly close to Rosy and being awakened by rich to talk to Steve online..lol rich is quite the character. "he's like one of them instigating viejas" as angel would say. lmao. rich is alright, he got his psychic connection with his boyfriend back. yeah i know...*ar?* heh. dunno what thats all about, and i don't think i want to know. hopefully this summer will be great...wouldn't mind if it involved some drinking..lol well....i'm off to type up some of my poetry for christy's magazine. later. post comment

ah, the sweet sounds of Sepultura :) [06 May 2003|05:34pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Sepultura - Ratamahatta >:) ] hah, i just love Ratamahatta...i have no clue what they're saying...it's Portuguese tribal speak. but i'm pretty damn sure it's not nice...lol as long as it sounds angry i'm all for it.... >:) ahhh... *ROOTS BLOODY ROOOTS!!!!* who's feeling evil today *looks around her cave of a comp area* me? cute, little, sweet chubby cheeked, big pretty smile Kelly? the so called "eptiome of cute" according to her friends... never! heh heh heh. hmmm.... it's just great how people love to try and bring me down. i get such a cynical kick out of it, why? because most people are very unsuccessful while trying to do so. "just as long as i feel like i don't feel like i have to kill anyone it's okay." REALLY? I DARE YOU TO FUCKING TRY AND LAY A FINGER ON ME!!! i'm just really afraid aren't I? pfft. you're seriously going to tell a girl who was raised in a non bradybunch ville area like Elmhurst aka "da hurst" as it's known to the ghetto people....heh. com'on now.. i can make him and his bradybunch ville ass cry in less than five minutes!!! who wants to place bets...lol j/k :) it's just funny, most people consider me a "good friend", yet they don't remember i'm human.... I AM ALLOWED TO FUCK UP!! and yet, when i do fuck up, oh it's the end of the fucking world KELLY FUCKED UP... she's such a bitch now. but let someone make the same mistake and it's okay right? life is fucking hilarious. yep, i'm always the bitch...right? even when i try my best to be there for all my friends, and SCREW my time to myself, i'm still the bitch right? just goes to show a bit of "being selfish" doesn't hurt. don't try and bring me down because your words mean SHIT to me....all the more fuel for me to "hit you right back"? remember, i will never be as big a bitch as KARMA is... what goes around comes around. life is the biggest comedy.... today was actually okay, my emotions were quite unstable besides the high estrogen levels due to PMS. but i'm glad most of my friends understand how i can go from happy to bitchy to sad in a matter of 20 minutes. it's just sad that you let someone TRY and make you're friend feel inferior. thats the only thing i'm a bit upset about. other than that, things like "you thought i was like in love with you" are a laugh when i've heard my mother say "I don't want to live anymore, i want to die." it's just like someone lightly tapping me expecting it to hurt. then getting yelled at by your mother for being online at 12:30am sunday night when i said i'd be in bed by 12 is even better.. i had to tell her what was going on so she could understand why i was online so late. she's not too chipper about it...i think she's more ticked off than i am. Bah. i went on a trip today, got to hear James McBride, the author of The Color of Water, which i'm currently reading, speak about his book. i actually like it so far...it's pretty good. had a good time on the trip actually... i have 2 tests this week...American History and Math, i think i'll do alright on both. I've been actually getting almost all of my Math homeworks correct lately. quite proud of myself :) American History is usually cake, so i'll do fine. Spent the day with Rosy on sunday....she did little braids in my hair. just four of them scattered on the top of my head...i thought i looked quite nice on monday thank u.. but i didn't get to take pics :/ i hope this just all blows over soon....it's just really "unnecessary drama over a fruit" as Steve said... Lmao :) it's just all stupid bullshit....bah. like my dad said "mi'ja, eres muy joven para tener esta clase de problema, y se que tu eres un buena amiga, y que tambien tienes un gran corazon." in other words "you're too young to be dealing with this kind of shit, and i know you're a good friend and that you have a big heart." my dad can be such a mush....lol awww....yeah yeah barf barf...lol ;) i'm just gunna take it easy, whatever happens...i have a lot of things to take out my frustration on.... my artwork, my writing, i can vent to my friends, read, and 4 online journals..lol grrr, Angel's having problems with his girlfriend. bah...chicks can really suck. kinda feel like it's my fault and i know Angel's saying "no it's not" right now..lol she read comments i left, Angel said "what the fuck is your problem...thats steve's ex!!!" lmao i'm guessing it's a trust issue, which she really shouldn't have because Angel isn't that type of guy... and he loves her and cares about her a lot....but it's not my issue, i just hope they get through it. i honestly do. poor friend in law :/ feel better Angel...talk to u soon. i'm cooking for you guys soon....gotta make up for the muteness last friday... AND I'M NOT TAKING "NO" FOR AN ANSWER! :P well...i'm off to do some homework. later... ;) post comment

life is just one hilarious comedy.... [06 May 2003|04:47pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Nirvana - Big Long Now ] hmmm...for starters.... oh yeah Chris turned out to be a dick... what a fucking surprise. you know what i absolutely love???? WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO FUCK WITH MY HEAD. seriously, it's like the best feeling in the world that people think that i'm seriously that stupid to not figure it out.... "i feel like i can tell you anything...." "i told rachel that i might go out with you...that your not like the others" (i have only believed that from ONE guy) "i wanna see you this friday" (when you wake up from that dream call me to tell me that you're gay) he was so UNsuccessful at fucking with my head. but i did fuck up myself i guess...i screwed with his head back... i posed as my sister Erica and found out some very interesting things. he figured it out....and i think christina helped because he really fell for it and then SLOWLY figured it out. oh well, i only fuck with the minds of those WHO DESERVE IT! and he did >:) but other than that...i don't screw around with minds much...so don't go thinking i love mind games... i only do it when i feel vicious enough and when I HAVE been screwed around with mentally. and as always, this turned on me when i tried to explain myself to christina. but you can't make people see what they don't want to see. especially a girl who thinks she's found prince charming, because i just always end up the bitch....yep. either way, i'm the bitch. so he hung out with christina on Saturday which i could frankly care less because after thinking long and hard on friday while with Angel and Steve... yeah yeah guys i know...sorry i went mute...i owe you one.... I'LL COOK FOR YOU GUYS....how bout that? ;) why the hell do i wanna get involved with: A)a guy who's just more emotional than i am....not that it's a bad thing...but you can't just cry over everything. whats crying gunna do to make it better? hm. B)a guy that could possibly be *flicks wrist down* gay. saying "wayne static is so sexay!" threw me off....way off..lol i would have been okay with "wayne static is so sick and wicked" but "sexay?" isn't that MY job as a FEMALE to say that...lol C)his voice kinda annoys me...and he just lacks some common sense...and he's not as "life smart" as he is "book smart" not that i'm the most wisest woman in the world....but wouldn't YOU think that liking 2 close friends would make things a little messy? and finally... D)I can barely handle chemistry, why the hell am i going to get into the relationship with one year of high school left and then it's into the so called "Real World" pfft. i guess just hanging out with Steve and Angel just made me think.... Angel always says "good things come to those who wait" and Steve and i broke up why??? because we both felt is was bad timing.... not because we hated each other lol or didn't wanna be together...just bad timing.... and when timing is off....pfft...everything can just collapse. so he's just enjoying his life while he can...before he starts college...AND YOU BETTER CARAJO! you're too frikin' smart not to...and u don't need me to tell u that so i'll shut up. lol just chillin' with the boys...getting drunk....while i'm here seriously craving a drink...lol eh, he takes shots for me anyway..lol but i'm glad i have both of them in my life....i know they'll always be honest and truthful to me. they can just be my sanity and logic when mine is just taken over by anger. yep. i'll be back with another entry..... post comment

"i just live inside myself, forever waiting...." [02 May 2003|10:21pm] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze ] bah. thats all i can say...bah. Chris had a talk with me about stuff...he felt i was getting to attached...yeah yeah blah blah... pardon me if i was in a mushy mood...damn fucking ovaries of mine. pms->high estrogen levels-> kelly turns mushy. bleh. i dunno there's something weird about him.. something i just don't trust i think... something that just makes me turn away i guess...and it wasn't even "that talk" just something about him that gives me a not so good feeling. and he flaked out on me...his allergies were acting up and he was feeling like shit so he didn't come to visit me. but he left a message on my cell phone "hey i got out of english early and i'm feeling better you should really come to staten island..." *presses 7 on cell phone* "message erased" bleh the more i get to know chris....the more i don't like him...lol and i'm sorry, but as much as i've tried ignoring it....his voice is kinda gay sounding...lol that felt nice to get out. lol and just certain things he says like "wayne static is sexay" even though he claims to joke...it just didn't sit well with me...lol **note to all** half the stuff i write in my journals is pent up things...as recent as they may seem it's usually pent up things i have a "rock complex" as i call it. that i always have to be strong and not let things get to me...and not cry or show sadness so much. i'm still working on that about myself... big time. if i offend anyone one here with it, i'm sorry....but if u don't like it...too bad. in further occurances... i just really appreciate my ex boyfriend Steve tonight. we're just talking about things...things i've kept in me so long it just comes out of me indirectly when i write. a girl appreciating her ex boyfriend? how comical. i also appreciate Steve's best friend Angel...he's so comical...lol just love them both very much tonight... *crowd goes AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW* *angelic smile* :) ex boyfriends and their best friends rule tonight! :P i gotta see rosy this weekend... and i think i'll pay a visit to missy and michelle...i miss'em. saw X-Men 2... WAY better than the first....Halle Berry decided not to do Storm's accent.. screws up the character but hey... and i don't think Lady Death Strike had the power to heal like Wolverine in the cartoon series....i'm pretty sure she didn't but in the movie she does....hmmm...... the third X-men is gunna be cool :) i'm excited! things could have been better hanging with Steve and Angel today...but i was just thinking too much... WAY too much, and i went mute. yep. but hey, i'm alright... talking to Steve right now is just really great and hilarious...lol he's playing Socom and talking to me... it's maliciously funny and cute...cuz he gets all evil eyed....love it when they get like that...lol especially about their games..such passion...lol heard Steve play guitar a lot today....damn him and his lanky fingers..lol :P i would have sang along more...but i wasn't really up for it. so yeah....next time perhaps. so what was i thinking about? just things i pent up inside... especially things in reference to Steve. that and things about me... i know myself pretty well for my age, not that i feel my age.... but i i've got a lot more to learn about "me". especially how to just not be afraid to cry and such. that i blame on my mother because she calls me a drama queen when i cry, she thinks i have nothing to really cry about. pfft. well....if she only knew. i do have to just face that i'm human and i can show emotion at any time i please. it's just a complex i have...i've always been everyone's "rock" to lean on. i'm working on it slowly...but i'm working on it. i think i'll be off....hopefully i'll hang out with Steve and Angel again sometime and just be in the mood to have fun.....not that i wasn't today, but i just let my mind get the best of me... well...off i go... post comment

"and i miss you when you're gone..." [01 May 2003|05:12pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | The Cranberries - When You're Gone ] oh boy is life funny....really funny. yay, i got a comment from friend in law Angel *does snoopy dance* well..i feel kinda better... BUT as always...what strikes.. PMS note to all men: girls tend to be a bit horny when they're on PMS. yep...well in my case at least..lol AND i see Chris tomorrow.. uh-oh..lol might end up pulling a Steve like sneak attack..lol all quiet and stuff then all of a sudden turn his head and RRRAAAWWWWWRRR!!! lol i keep on thinking about it...kissing chris..just one of those long taps...lol Speaking of Steve, i kinda miss him.... he and i don't talk online like we used to...guess things are a bit "weird" with him... and everytime i've asked him to hang out...he's gone mute. i remember Angel asked if i would ever wait for him... i remember saying yes....but i guess when opportunity hits, things go differently. i'm 17, i can't just wait around....just have to take a risk sometime. i miss our friendship before dating....i miss that the most. i have no idea how things will end up with Chris....but i do know he wants to be with me....just wants to take his time and such and i would like to know what thats like, and i think i'll possibly be happy. we'll see what happens..... Eddie and I aren't really friends any longer.... joy. don't know whether it's for the best or not.... he can just be completely inconsiderate and oblivious.... he also got "offended" by something i wrote in my LJ.... DON'T LIKE IT? THEN DON'T READ IT! you'd think a 20 year old would have a bit more common sense... but no, not Edward Rivas.. to quote his best friend Caesar, "there's rational people, and then there's Eddie" basically true. i was mad at Eddie for flaking out on my friend Melissa on her whole birthday celebration... i called him once, left a message, he didn't call back... i called him 2 more times...he didn't even pick up and neither did the voicemail which meant he was probably watching his phone say 'Kelly cell calling' oh nice of him. i told him it was rude and fucked up and he got all "i guess u don't wanna be bothered by me" ugh.....Drama KING! haha...i just remembered Steve saying "what a fruit" lmao haha, good times, maybe someday things will be like that again i hope..... :) so yeah and i IM eddie one night just to quit being childish and talk and he didn't even answer me back. he signed off and signed back on.. bleh, how "grimey" lol ewww...i take that back.. how fucked up...ah thats more like it..lol ;) then i IM monday night and he tells me that i don't defend him when my friends say bad things about him... maybe he's upset that my friends who've met Steve adore him...lol i know you're saying "mhmm" Angel..lmao! and he went into this whole dramatic "i'm not worth anything to u" bit. so i just told him that i've had alot of people tell me not to give a fuck about him and that i actually do care about him and he just says "u don't have to" really? alright then. and then i just say "apparently this is the end...goodbye" and he IMs me today wanting to know about my whole chris situation, why? because he dated my "friend" Charlene....but unlike both of them i actually was HONESTY and said what i felt to Christina and not "oh lets play don't hurt her with truth" grrrr. and basically, i made him feel like crap, and he got annoyed and signed off....yep. why did he all of a sudden wanna know after giving me his whole dramatic bit... and i've had enough advice, from people who aren't problematic. i love that only Angel and Rosy know about this journal :) i'm very happy for Angel, him and Jenn are great...thats good to know. i'm excited about seeing Chris tomorrow, i just want to hug him... we're probably gunna come to my place and watch a movie....and talk and spend some time together. i'm just very calm around him.. now, what to wear...lol it's nice how women gain up to 5 pounds in water during PMS. lovely.... if it's nice and i find shorts to wear under my skirt, i'll wear this funky denim skirt i have, a black top, fishnet stockings and my chucks. yep :) well...i've got work to do.....wish me luck.... later! post comment

"every time that i look in the mirror...." [30 Apr 2003|05:41pm] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Aerosmith - Dream on ] all these lines on my face gettin' clearer....the past is gone... *sigh* Absolutely love this song..it's just classic Aerosmith at it's best..... the only thing that just makes me a bit "grr" about this song is that now that eminem used it, everytime i hear his rap song play, i think it's this song... GRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRR he can just piss me off sometimes... so why did i start this journal? well, frankly, someone hacked into my UJ account by some strange miracle of god...and all my entries are gone... completely. oh how joyous! so what is currently going on in my life? well....a lot! I've met this great guy named Chris.... he's just great. he's smart(major turn on for me), funny, cute, sweet, and loves the same music as i do. what more could i ask for? :) so, how did i meet him. i met him in person a week ago on friday.... he met christina, a close friend of mine online and i basically accompanied her to meet him. here's where it gets messy... turns out he likes both chrissy and me, but he feels that he and i click better. he then asks how i felt, and i really wasn't gunna lie...i don't like lie about what i really feel.. and well....i felt the same...that he and i "clicked" that, and as much as i wanted to ignore the way i felt because of christina...i couldn't :/ i was extremely intrigued by him. so i told christina the truth, and so did he... things won't be the same for a while, and she doesn't hate me, she's jsut mainly upset that she's gone through this with another friend of ours, and now she's going through it again.. now you all think i'm shit. don't blame you... but i've never been "first" on my list, i've always placed myself last... and i at least want to try and be happy with chris, if not i'll always be left wondering what could have been. Angel, i hope you're reading....i need some support..and if u don't support it, i understand. i hope i get to talk to you soon, i miss talking to you friend in law! i'm glad things are better with you and Jenn....i wanna hear more about this chick, give me a call.. u have my cell number i hope. well people....i guess i'm done for today... later for now... 2 comments|post comment

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