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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

    Time Event
    3:32p
    Irony.
    Hey all!

    My first entry and it's not a good one! lol

    Hmm, i just struggle with understanding the world these days, love mainly. i don't know what to do, never do mind, but i know what i want and who i can't have but, there's complication with that too, because, well simply we've been friends for about 4 years + now. Sh has had several boyfriends and i've had one long term stupid relationship. which i had to stay in for six months due to the dear person threatening suicide. fun. still, passed that now, but immediatly i've fallen back for the person who i have wanted for years now. she is sorta single at the moment although wants someone else. that really hurts for starters, but whats more is because we've been friends for so long we bounce our problems off one another, so in effect i'm almost ruining any chance i have to talk to her about it because i help her with her problems with Tom. I guess in a way it could be said i'm doing something that i don't want to do, because obviously, i want her myself. It's almost like i'm doing the right thing, but wrong thing. besides, i don't know how she'd react if i spoke to her and i also worry that it could spoil the friendship. i just don't know what to do most of the time. i would love to be with her, and she says several things, like she's said that he doesn't give her as much attention as he used too and he's sending her wierd text messages yet, i feel inside, i have those characteristics, i'd text all day and night, i'd be there for her even if it cost me £30 for train rides, I trying to meet up with her in London, as friends, i just want to show her, apart from personality, i might not be the best looking bloke around (you can see my pic on www.faceparty.com/fbc) but i'm warm and i have lots too offer someone, why wont anyone give me that chance, i have several people in their 20's even people who say they fancy me, but obviously either via distance or age nothing could happen. Why doesn't anything work out in this world these days? I just want a chance at being able to be happy, where someone doesn't take the piss out my fecked eyes, or the fact i'm 13stone, the fact that i go horseriding as much as possible. It's like i can talk to people on the net and friends i've had for years now think i'm great and can't understand my selfdoubt yet anyone around me hardly knows me wont give me two seconds of time. all i ask is for a little change of luck! One wish i have right now; is that Ally would ask me out, since i don't feel I'm in the position to do anything about my feelings.

    *rant over*
    Stuxxx

    Current Mood: Upset
    Current Music: Muse: Time is running out (to try and liven me up) lol
    6:59p
    hell
    (TOM)WhY Do ThE VoIcEs TeLl Me To Do ThE tHiNgS i Do says:
    do me a favour and always never throw away me pease nicely
    (ALLY)[and i wonder, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again] says:
    nooo why would i want to do that
    [and i wonder, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again] says:
    as long as u never throw away me either
    WhY Do ThE VoIcEs TeLl Me To Do ThE tHiNgS i Do says:
    i couldnt
    [and i wonder, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again] says:
    good
    [and i wonder, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again] says:
    then i'm happy
    WhY Do ThE VoIcEs TeLl Me To Do ThE tHiNgS i Do says:
    me too

    I can't cope this this, i don't know what to do, all the time i just want to reach out and say "no, he's a fool, i'm the one you want" i know that's slefish, however, i know i'd never do that to her. "i'm too nice" as ii got told the other day. i need a break from this life, this pain that's ripping me apart, when i read that it's ripped me apart some more and i know tears will fall later. i don't really know what to do anymore. i guess i just have to stay there, i don't know. I just wish that i was the person to make her happy but now i just feel ill, i think i might have to go early because i can't really cope with this. she's everything to me and yet i can't reach out and say that to her and that is probably the part that hurts the most.

    "If only she knew what it would mean to me just to be alone with her"

    stuxxx :(

    For now, i'm left to stay there and be the loyal friend i am, one thing is for sure, i'd never have the heart to break them up, if they are happy then for me at least to try and get over it i'd know she was happy.

    Current Mood: crushed+broken+depressed.
    Current Music: the screams of my heart :S
    10:59p
    Old friends and ties,
    Ex giving me a bit more shite this evening which is nice of her. lol Still she got blocked on msn so hopefully i wont have to see her emails now either.

    Hoping i can sort something out with Ally soon, either so i blow it or something else, i'm getting to the pitch now where i hate hanging on to this love that i want to give her so i think i like either to get with her (obviously) or be blown out for ease. i need to move on perhaps. i don't know still!

    However i had some great words from two friends this afternoon, one i shant mention but she really helped me out and gave me some help with my confidence. Also Emma, who yet again i've known flaming years sends me a message and it just filled me back up with some happy stuff, i feel a bit better although it's still hard, i struggle sleeping at nights.

    we'll just have to see, but still, not suicidal so much now, thanks guys! :D

    ooh some other good news that cheered me up is that the house is being looked at by the first people who might want to buy it, fingers corssed for £375,000!

    Stu xxx

    Current Mood: anxious/envious/mellow/numb...
    Current Music: Fortune Faded - Red hot chilli peppers! :D

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