Sophia's Blurty

Subject:	Reset myself
Time:	1:07 am.
Mood:	apathetic.
Music:	watching Tv.

Apocalypse says:
my comment was not meant to be patronizing it was meant that confidence is electric, it brightens your aura and makes one glow, it is also an attractive thing that sucks people in. So whenever you do your show, if you went into it half heartedly and w/o confidence, it would show in your performance. look at the acting community, how many of them show an active display of not having confidence? We are our own worst critics, me being a creative person I can relate I STILL have unfinished products, but I am working past my block, if possible I will help you past yours.

When it comes to friends I am saddened, I am lucky enough to have a group of friends when I am seeking family free sanctuary, people as fucked in the head as I am, but that shows that there are more people like us out there, they're just in hiding because as you know, the world at large doesn't accept US. Thinkers, creatives, visionaries are doomed to a lesser existence until we come out of our shells, usually with help. I am an ear, someone to talk to, yes I am busy, but I will find time. And remember I am NOT your judge. YOU ARE.

big ass tits.

Me:

I am not lacking in confidence so much that I am loosing faith because everything is so stagnant and I am not free in my life right now, so it is not just the show and limited conversation. It is life. I am one who does not shell herself up. I do that emotionally , in real life but not here. I show off my oddities and people already mark me as an individual , weird at times but very much someone on her own. I think I turn people off by being so different which is the reason why I lack penalty of friendships. I’m not lucky to know people like myself. I have done the searching and I am tired but at the same time I am so lonely. I‘m not saying you are my judge only that the show comment felt as if I was being talking down to like a child but I understand now.

Right now I have reset myself . I am ... I don’t know but I have to have things and do things that can make me happy.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	The best way I can put it.
Time:	1:11 am.
Mood:	annoyed.
Music:	watching Ghost.

Apocalypse can I say that last message about my show was gay. I mean…I would not expect that from you. I would expect that from Richard. Sounded patronizing almost since there is only one scene written and you never read it. With that said since you ask me to help you understand my unhappiness with what surrounds me.

Every day for a almost 24 hour period I listen to my father and my mother and lets include family to talk about family shit in the house, stuff that happen in the past and ignorant stuff that cease to amaze me.

Twice a week I go to the hospital and am so restricted by rules, and seriousness and just feel completely uncomfortable because I am not a people person YET I have to act my ass off just so people can like me.

Every Monday at school I gain little from school and am so depressed that I am there, breathing in bad breath from a guy who seemingly does not brush his teeth (and no I can not move cause the seats are all taken)

Every time I go to work I work my ass off and even get taken advantage of which is like 3 or 4 times a week

Everyday looked at more as a sexual object than someone one would like to get to know.

I lay in my room cause this is the only privacy I get.

My mind isn’t a haven to keep me sane anymore

My work accumulates more and more.

I have no place to go or no person to hang out with to escape

Everything I have is breaking down

No one close to me is listening or helping with my needs in general.

I feel more people gain from me that I from them so in other words I meet other people wants and needs where as I gain nothing. So I am pushing people away because of the facts I know about then that I hate or would use an excuse.

As for my friends it is like sometimes... I don't know but yall seem more distant than what I assume what a friend may be and it feels like I come to everyone more just connection.

These are all just random (possible pointless to you) things I can point out but for me , even if I can ignore it once in a while I am falling in this pit and there is no one there to pull me out and rescue me from this shit. I can’t say fuck it cause I want to solve it. I would like a friend I can hang out with on a regular bases or just have the means to escape from what is going on now IE me just running away or driving. I would like to have my own click of friends I can look at as family. I would like to be in love. I would like to just have a car and drive any where . I would like to look at other people and see there lives and mine and feel as if I am equal and not lesser or more slowed down or stagnant. I would like to pursue my dreams part time instead of doing a jobs that does not fulfill me .

I mean it would be so easy just to run away now but I have people to think about but those people including yourself rarely see me. From my point of view I am like a “convenient “ sort of speak. Meaning it is expected of me ,it is what I do… for a free spirit like me many should know I don’t like being in a box 24/7.

I just feel trapped and it is increasingly becoming hard to ignore as I realize these anxieties and depressiong are increasing more frequently now and I have no way of controlling them.

That is the best way I can explain it. feeling trappend and that nothing is changing. I need help .

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	venting
Time:	10:27 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	watching 30 days of nights (great movie).

My family is annoying

I want to run away

I wish I was closer to my guys

I'm too fat.

wished apocalypse was doctor Manhattan so I can have one of him of my own

I wished I had a chance to live

wish I was more independent without being so alone

I wish I could pursue my dreams

I wish I wasn't shitted on by people

I would like to be loved like once before.

Sex...I miss sex and I want it with a guy or guys who know how to treat a girl!

I need to car. A really good one that will last me a good while.

public transportation sucks ass. a roach nearly got in my bag and people smelled bad

I need to be held tight by some guy I like. I just want to bury my big head in someones chest.

I don't want to go to work or clinicals tomorrow...just more of getting shitted on.

I'm loosing my way with nothing but possiblities. Not facts!

A man of my own heart. Why can't I find and keep a guy like this or apocalypse.
http://www.playboy.com/articles/playboy-interview-shia-labeouf/index.html?page=1
Shia labeouf

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	A plan?
Time:	8:13 pm.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	watching Tv...nothing is on yet ..

Mr apocalypse says:
I don't know if you know anyone with a sams club card or anything but I l know that they have a few nice desktops under 700, I'm thinking of getting one myself in a year or two, and you might find one at best buy for a good price, but stay away from Dells. I've had two that both lasted less than 3 years which is pathetic for a desktop.

Me:
My parents got one. I see quite a few under 700 bucks but also plan to buy a laptop so any desktop with a high memory (more than 3gb) and a hard drive (160gb or higher) that is a good brand and a good price (under 700) I will get. My laptop will be used for my writing , school (some school) and that online show / editing ).

I was looking at some stuff and thinking about a life plan. I need to make a full commitment. Juron I know we had this talk and being that YOU WON’T CALL and school doesn’t permit me to chat with you often here is the plan

2 year plan:

Now to may 2010
Lose weight ( unknown pound for yall but the goal is a flat stomach)

Now to December 2009
(November black Friday)
* buy a laptop and desktop
- if I get them within that time I will start to develop the first episode of the yet un-named show.
*look for a car
*Buy a good video camera (always wanted one)
*Buy a new DVD/ Video player

December 2009 to June 2010
* Buy a new car
* finish school (may 2010)

Late July 2010 to august 2010
* Going to the Caribbean

August 2010 - December 2010
Start my show online

August 2010 - June 2011
* Look for a place of my own . I might stay in b-more or go someplace like DC or Bowie depends on where I make the most friends.

Hopefully fall 2010 - spring 2011
* Go back to school for arts . My school I go to now have a performance arts classes which teaches the ins and outs of theater arts. I might check out other schools just to see if they have quicker courses .

To interrupt Apocalypse your real name keeps on popping up today…. You think about me?

Back to me…

I didn’t put up any relationship / family or friendship plans cause I can’t get what I want. Actually I was thinking maybe I am just meant to be alone . I mean I got friends but they are distant yet close meaning like I talk to them on a regular bases but haven’t really seen any of them…either in years or ever (you guys know who you are). I just give up looking but I am still looking for cats members for that show. So far I got 2 possible people in line . I need to set the ground work for that show ASAP.

Anyways I hope this satisfies you J. You see I got a plan but no short term ones except for the electronics to help my life be easy.

Apocalypse I never ask how are you? I would call you but your hours are too insane for me so you might get a text from me .

To the rest of you... I'm out
comment bitches
watch : it is always sunny in philidelphia and Supernatural

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	same old shit.
Time:	11:31 am.
Mood:	apathetic.
Music:	Watching Dawn of the dead 2004 version.

Mr. Apocalypse says:
the wind of change or an ogre farting? philosophers will argue for millennia on that one.

Me:
LOL I’m serious. Maybe it is a gut feeling. Maybe it is just hopeful thinking. Right now I just have to believe in something that I really want is coming my way. I’m just been feeling down partially because of the lack of change as of recently. I’m feeling the emotional weight and damn near cried my eyes out a few times but with a few text from you and trying to get myself together I have restrained my emotional feelings. Right now I am just indifferent , apathetic, zombie-que! It’s been a while since I had something really good happen to me.

Juron says I complain to much and that I don’t do anything. Which is not 100% true. I do , do things but sometimes they do not work out as they expected cause I am still in the circumstances I am already in. The goal is to change things for my benefit.

Anyways I tried to write last night but the combinations of a bad computer (I’m hunting for a new one under 700 bucks) and working hard that day killed me. I was tired and feeling asleep at the computer. Anyways I don’t have much to say but I want to talk to somebody about anything . Weird ain’t it. Not much is going on with me either so....

big ass titties

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	random shit that just past through my mind
Time:	3:02 am.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	Underworld music . The movie is on now..

I am horny, lonely, happy at the fact that I dodge another weekend working day (I am off Sunday) and nervous cause I don’t know much material for a test coming Monday. I need to lose weight cause I can‘t get past the current weight. I want to be in some guys bed right now with my leg over him watching something on TV and being tired after several rounds of sex. I miss passion and excitement and relaxing. I might be going to Atlantic city on Halloween…anyone wants to come with me? My tits look huge. Too much homework… My computer is about 8 years old and showing more extreme signs of break down suck as my monitor is blinking in and out. Come on black Friday. My married cousin was lucky back in her day. Her ex’s were hot but pretty hot. Not hardcore hot like mine were. I only had two boyfriends in my life time 3 if you count elementary school. That greek dude is online and I wonder if he would say anything to me. None of my single friends want to say anything to me…. Nothing to say really! I guess? I masturbated to enough pornos… it doesn’t work anymore. I honestly do not remember how it feels to be touched or kiss or fuck and yes I know the last time I fucked was may but that moment was so bad I blocked most of those feelings. Thinking about my boys …. Michael Jackson pretty young thing is playing on my you tube page . I should put that on my myspace page for a song. I need to create a black Friday list. I’ll finish this entry when the song is done. I love sony viao’s come on windows 7. I still want to learn how to strip and pole dance maybe PYT should be my first dance and I would only do it for friends and /or boyfriend. I want to talk to some guy who knows me pretty well...

Feels like the wind of change is coming . Something is going to happen. Good for me at least. Cool windy , not to sunny days are beautiful to me. Love seeing grey clouds roll in from a distance. I thought about today just jumping into a pile of snow. That would be fun and snowy nights are just beautiful .

Anyways that is all in my head. Well not all but most that I would like to share. don’t worry this all might not make sense to me or you but you know what…? Sleepiness has kicked in and got some stuff to check out.!

Sophie out and wants to kiss someone tonight...more than that really tee hee!

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	BFF for life BITCH!
Time:	10:17 am.
Mood:	content.
Music:	watching the golden girls.

Mr. Apocalypse says:
I was stepping out of my box back then. Putting up walls of defense were common to me then, though everything else lacked boundaries...I've never ben a fan of boundaries. What is your opinion on this labyrinthine road we travel together yet separately?

Me:
I think that is one of the reasons why I almost cried at the clinical site yesterday. It was a combinations of realizing that I created this small trap in which I can not get out of because of self duty and preservation . I mean a lot of people there were dicks well the techs were and I was frustrated cause I kept fucking up and even when I didn’t I didn’t think it wasnt my best performance. Nobody died so I guess it was ok.

But no I don’t like boundaries but I think you and I created the ones we can’t really get out of or if we did then obviously there would, probably be problems there after . I am always thinking about break down my own boundaries and living with the consequences . Boundaries is what keeps us from getting to our full potential. The more you remove the more you get to where ever you want to be faster…you just have to deal with problems …which in some cases you don’t have to deal with alone. In my case I would but I am prepared I think .

As for the “labyrinthine road we travel together yet separately” I always believed that road would come together. We weren’t able to stay away from each other online and I think we resolved or grew up from a lot of issues we had. We are just meant to be in each others life’s I figure, just not at this time. Soon possibly but you can never put a time table. We understand one another and our limitations which at times is hard but nothing is ever simple with us. Wish it were.

Anyways the time will come.

I'm hungry I am going to cook me a big breakfast.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	sleepiness makes one talk as if she is drunk!
Time:	1:21 am.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	watching Tv something on TRU tv.

Apocalypse says:
so you're a bad ass too now huh? Curiouser and curiouser. Stepping outside of one's comfort zone is why we met. And I don't think there is a box that can contain you. Any person existing in 2009 that is still uptight about sex, or sexual discussions, should go join a seminary and shut the fuck up. Do you, you are the only person you should worry about disappointing in the end, or God if you believe in that. Big ass tits.

Sophie says:
I have always been bad ass it just became more noticeable in recent years . You never really ask my opinion on the beginning or currents of our every growing and changing saga…. I can’t speak from your stand point but I was lonely and determined to loose my virginity. I was a clean slate who was unsure of myself and my likes/dislikes. I give credit where credit is due you help me realize my like and dislikes and know about me so I never really stepped outside of my box. I had no box to step out of or had a box that contain me as you say but myself and even then many have notice that I am tearing those walls down. You know I can not remember what you sound like or look like besides your eyes. I loved your eyes.

I am so tired but I am just going to get this journal out of the way without rambling . It is not an uptight sex thing. More of a privacy thing according to a friend of mine. I respect privacy but respect my own words even more. Like I said I would never 100% expose a person. I give nick names or leave it at first names because those are common. If they can be traced by any mean I use alias. I do think about he other person , who is topic of my journal entry.

As for me an love… I haven’t really began looking. I check once a day to see who visited my page . So far no one had added me on yahoo nor have they contact me. I haven’t been able to find me a guy who I would be 100% interested in. I have been plagued with “splits”. Divorces, separations, etc. I don’t know what all of it means but I don’t care because I am not in a relationship. Basically it is just me and my peoples who I regularly talk to. I’m still thinking about my ex , still thinking about vas (god why couldn’t I get him… oh yeah he was an ass hole) and stile feeling the horniness and some times loneliness. ….God I am really tired.

I just miss being kissed , and held/touching and passion and sex and acting like an ass in public just because we can be and long drives at night etc, etc. I bet Juron can not solve those problems.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	love and shit
Time:	12:09 am.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	watching Vacancy.

Secretary 2002, James Spader , Maggie Gyllenhaal

So I want to share a little something befor going to bed and full starting another gods awful week. The last couple of days weren’t to bad but they were uneventful to the sophie sense. I won 50 bucks , got to here from apocalypse , mic and who ever else that I forgot to mention. Didn’t feel forgot about which my weekend off usually does to me. I did fall back on homework that needed to be done but only because the lack of passion that is increasing with my schooling. I spent tonight catching up and a owe a call to mic since I keep on saying but I get the feeling that it will lead to sex talk and sexually I am not 100% interest in him in that way but we are friend so it is all cool. Anyways me and my friend (he know who it is) was talking about tonight how I might not find a guy because of my free speech on here. This came about after a convo arise from me writing down anything sexual that may happen to me …sometimes in detail. I don’t always mention full name. I don’t always mention names at all. Only that I might know him well or where I met him . So on and so forth. Really I do respect people but only if they respect me. I am going to speak my mind and remove info that would potentially hurt someone but if they are unknowing they being outside reader and I am talking about someone I know then obviously it is free game. Names will get left out . Basically what I am trying to say is…I will respect you as long as you respect my right to talk about shit that is important to me without any harm to you. I mean I purposely do not mention names (real ones or online names) cause they can be tracked down.

I’m semi content. I will have my moments this week. I’m still thinking about Vas on occasion which brings me to something I thought about a few minutes ago (that is why that paragraph up there is a little word scrambled I guess). Tonight I watched 2002 movie Secretary . It has James Spader , Maggie Gyllenhaal in it . I saw it before last week and I loved it. It is fitting of my dream romance . Two odd balls / different people joined by a commonality which in short are there tweaks. They just melt into one another sort of speak …sorry yall it is my movie analysis kicking in. It is a reminder of what I had with my ex . Juron says he is proud of me well not in those words but he is happy that I am willing to step out my boundaries for men that doesn’t fit me. The thing is with my ex it was instant with these guys it takes time… I don’t know what it is . Like for example. I have nothing in common with vas except that we like rock music and that we had things we were passionate about and possibly a background and sexual interest. I don’t know… being an eccentric character makes me a cool person , likeable even but sometimes I think normal men pick up more on the eccentric. Either that or I am just a sexual object . I’m not all in there face in it. In reality I hold back but I haven’t found anyone who fits eccentric. I only had one guy like that and we spilt out of each others fingers and he is there with his stuff and I am here with mine and we are on here talking on blurty or texting about stuff that only makes each other laugh well me really and make others think if they read the text “These people need to go to a psychiatric ward or some shit.” or “maybe that they are just hateful people very fucked in the head”.

In any case after watching that movie will I develop a connection like they had or I had with my ex or is that falling back into my closed box? God I am lonely…AND HORNY masturbation ain’t doing it!

Gotta cut up a few people tomorrow and work so I will be back here tomorrow night 12 am ish

PS: I can definetly take it and take it real hard... because Im bad ass!

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	No more chasing him!
Time:	4:41 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	watching The wayans.

Apocalypse says:
never my intention to annoy, soap. Whatever happens, happens. If he ain't interested chances are somebody else is, it'll be his loss. SUPERNATURAL BACK NEXT WEEK!!! Me happy. Catch you later. I don't know what hours you keep these days so I haven't tried calling just yet, but I will. Watch out for john malkovich.

Me:
No not you . You can never be annoying… Nor could possible Juron be either (although his advice when it comes to getting a guy sucked ass). What I find annoying is the guy who just about an hour ago I sorta canceled a date with. I sent a message asking him if Friday night 7pm was good for him. He hasn’t said a word. So to make sure it wasn’t a glitch I sent another message a few hours later and he has yet to respond. I told him that when he has the time and I am available then he should contact me. I am also annoyed with the chase. Interest should be mutually felt not one side and sometime his side. I’m just not going to go to him or chase him. Fuck that!

I have supernatural marked on my calendar. If it is really the final season then it’s all going to be sad. I was going to buy season 4 but opted to wait until it comes down to less that 30 bucks. The same for Heroes. I’m free this weekend and tomorrow but have nothing to do. As for calling and texting for that matter. I don’t know your hours either so I don’t call. I might text but calling I will leave up to you. My new billing cycle starts Saturday so I will be able to talk to more people without loosing to many needed minutes. You can call me whenever and if I don’t pick up I will call you back.

Anyways… Still have no decent man I like who is into me … sucks! but like Apocalypse his lost. I move on.

PS: john malkovich. Is doing cheesy ass TV movies so I am not afraid of him …Adam West is the real scary one…. Adam West stole me a vest!… and used it as a stray jacket!

But really that John Malkovich song was on my mind a day or two ago .... Good ESP!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	May not happen.
Time:	12:37 am.
Mood:	gloomy.
Music:	star trek: nemisis (I know I spelled it wrong).

Mr. Apocalypse:
perhaps you've grown past that, but you used to be. Horror movie guys never die, even when they're dead they find a way back in sequels, prequels, reimaginings, whatever...and no I'm always around, even when the goal is reached. Can't escape one's shadow...just be safe.

Probably Juron says:
if you go to his house. Ur going to get fugged!! Ur probably into that sorta thing. It's like an unspoken rule when net skanking. "If you come back to the crib im diggin in yo ribs". That was written by some young internet gang-banger from Lithoania GA who had dreams of fuggin an R&B chick. Little did he know how right he would be.

Me to the both of you :

This is getting annoying… Here are the details…He has only contacted me a few times but most of the time I contact him and it is sometimes short. He hasn’t really taken the time out to get to know be beside that one conversation. I don’t know but the signs are pointing into lack of interest except for sex but then again what do you expect when you talk to someone online or rarely talk to someone over the phone. Today I sent him a text asking if the time I gave was ok. I also gave my address. Thing is that he did not say a word . Maybe the text didn’t go through (it did) or maybe he text didn’t go through. I don’t know but as I said maybe there is a lack of interest but then again why offer to hang out this week?… Mixed signals but in my mind this may be an attempt for ass.

So with no real conformation lets say nothing is going to happen. Probably another dud. It feels as if…no it is just the case that I am chasing him more than he is me. I don’t like that. But if there were to be a chance of us hanging out Friday going to his place was an idea and I am not stupid enough to not know that something is going to happen. If anything I would expect it. But being that I am not 100% confident in him as I should be with guys I never met… I am afraid of lack of respect aka lets call it lance-isms. Maybe not as far as Lance but still a level of selfishness that would make me upset with him and myself . Gut says just do it but he has really shown a lot of interest. Just enough to get my attention.

It sucks because he fits a lot of what I like it guys. Passion for the art, good looking, etc, etc… respectable . The guys I like are not 100% interested in me and the ones I don't want are. what the fuck is that?!

Eh… I am going to bed… I need to go to the hospital tomorrow morning.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	BIG ASS LEAP FORWARD!
Time:	11:43 am.
Mood:	content.
Music:	I'm watching the outer limits and I am horny as hell... help.

So what I was trying to talk about last was the fact that when it comes to going out especially on a blind date with guys from online there is this fine line that I can not cross but am willing to. Juron explains that you can do whatever you want just be safe. Dewily noted . Last week there was about two…I guess dates I was lined up for. One was with a guy named Mike . I met him on POF and he contacted me but after some poking and prodding he comes to me and he says … all he really wanted was to fuck. He showed me a dick pic and I reciprocated with a nude pick and he said I looked good to him were as I wasn’t really feeling him. Anyways we talked about sex and at one point we were going to hook up for sexual purpose but then something just didn’t push me to do so. Maybe because I wasn’t too attracted to him but anyways I said no but never informed him and he forgot about me so in turn after long discussion we liked each other more as friends and now I have someone to talk to every night when I catch him. I have yet to call him because I am waiting for my new billing cycle but yeah…I am happy me and him can talk to each other about anything now.

The second guy……. OH MY GOD I AM DAMN NEAR IN LOVE! Stats are he is around my age, white greek, has his own business and he is in a metal band. To add he is foreign but lived in b-more on and off for about 13 years . His voice is very lance like so for you guys who don’t know urban, with b-more white accent. IT JUST FUCKING SEX ALL AROUND. Anyways he was the one that contacted me on POF . He came of too nigga-ish for my taste but I said I would give him a shot. I gave him my two mean of communication for new people IM and email and he tried to IM but it didn’t take so he said so I added him just about a few days later. We talked and I do admit first thing that came to mind as I do with all guys who contact me I said to myself “he is looking for sex” several times I explain to him my paranoia in which he said he can get pussy anywhere he wanted . I try to hook up with him sexually speaking but I was stuck with a cold for about 3 days . Anyways he fits what I like most in men which is a passion about art, good looking, successful and some common cultural grounds . My only problems is that he may or may not text back and he has only called like once or twice. I’m online now and he is too but he hasn’t come to say hi. It’s not like we are close but I am trying to rate his attraction to me based on actions. Anyways we talked on Sunday and he stated to me any time this week we can hook up (not sure if this is sexually or what). Because of my increase in horniness and my just want to feel him out I am going to take him up on that offer hopefully Thursday or Friday or weekend if it can be done. Anyways if I can date , marry what ever with a guy like him who is not a total man whore which he calms he is not then I will be SOOO HAPPY because that is what I need in my life right now. A good man to fuck with and talk with and hang out with and just be happy and comfortable as I was 3+ years ago.

There was another guy name Jason but he was FLAWED but I still live him. Loved all music. And a nice job and was respectable not to mention cute. What was his flaw…he was a 27 year old male who has had sex only twice… not because he can’t get pussy but because he believes in finding love and being in love and then having sex. Nothing is wrong with that but really…waiting that long as a guy. If he didn’t have sex I would understand but he has done this how many time 2 and with two different women with no wide range of sexual knowledge. I am 25 and I have done almost everything with 2 men under my belt.

Anyways the main goal relationship wise is to find friends and to have a boyfriend and HOPEFULLY if I find him soon we could go to Nevis and me and my cousin and her man and me and mines and whoever else could rent a house . Worry free because school would be done for me then. That would be my ideal summer next years. To live that way…

Juron has a comic strip coming out yall so I will be post that up soon as possible and as for Apocalypse …well we resolved our issue and we are “friends”…we rarely text or talk so… Apocalypse is gone and not 100% forgotten with all this activity but does feel more distant because of circumstances . Eh shit happens!

Off to the show oh…I can officially say that Juron seen me semi nekid . It was his b-day so happy b-day old man. And me and Richard are not 100% in speaking terms because well he is not like a friend anymore. That is something I am trying to work out myself.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	annoyed and pissed off
Time:	9:22 pm.
Mood:	pissed off.
Music:	watching Being Human.

I fucking hate men.

Lets go down the list.

Got a number of guys who want to fuck me just afraid to say it

Got a number of guys that I like but don’t want me

Got a guy I am talking to who claims he is shy but puts forth no effort in wanting me

Got a guy who is talking to me who seemingly is into the sex more than getting to know me

Got a guy who is married, loves me maybe in love with me but we can’t be together because of numerous reasons

Got a guy who I considered a friend and I even had a small crush on and he just now telling me who has a girlfriend…for a fucking year. Big a friend he is. (he is the one that provoked this entry)

Got a guy who I look at as a brother at this point and he won’t even call mainly because I think he thinks I will call him all the time which is not the case

Got a guy who is my dad who really doesn’t get me

I’m just fucking sick of all the set back with the men in my life. I can’t get it right with any of them . I’m fucking cursed! I hate females because I can't relate to them and I hate men because I don't understand them . Only the fact that they want my company at there time and even want sex with me.

update:August 22, 2009 9:44pm mood : still pissed
I need to be away

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Thinking about shit.
Time:	2:31 am.
Mood:	hungry.
Music:	watching the fly.

I think I found what is missing in my life which consist of …moving which means actually doing shit. So first thing after The Apocalypse situation was to actively start dating. Mind you this was before actually figuring all this out. I was introduced to this site by Juron and joined the same day. I did a lot of tweaking to my page and finally got it the way it was by J. Now I am getting a lot of post. I even got the metaphoric balls to talk to the ones I like but none of these really responded to me but that is cool . Right now I am just messaging and going by gut instinct.

Now I am actively trying to pursue one of my goals which is to do that online comedy show . I would like help writing the script but I know everyone is busy so I have to do it. I got the overall concept but am yet again tweaking it. Also I plan to buy a laptop . I’m buying it from sony since sony has video editing and other features on it that can be used. For the show.

I just think now that I have to actively really commit to what I need to get done instead of planning. I’m so unhappy with life and feel drained about it . I also realize that I fret over what I can’t have but have actively try to pursue. The guys I want to be friends can’t be friends back. The guys I want do not want me. Maybe I am not …whatever but you know I can’t do much about it. The way I see it it’s the worlds problem.

I remove this last bit because it seems unfair but it does seem as if everything is against me and him for everything.

that being said... I miss him.

Ps: I learned a new sex move. More of a stripper move. Hope to try it someday.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	I am missing something.
Time:	12:48 am.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	watching Aliens.

There is this sense of… what I first came to mind “being unloved” but then and thought a little more and said that isn’t true. I’m not ignored either as one person I am on almost daily commutations with but I pretty sure he is bothered by the constant talk of sometimes pointless matter that I might address. Maybe it is home. Where I am ? My mom told me several things today? 1. Sophia clean the kitchen (I didn’t really do so) 2. (while I wash dishes) Move out the way cause (her adopted son/ nephew) wants to be at the sink? My pops have nothing but criticism, so does some of my relative. I don’t think I ever heard anything nice from ANYONE in my family. I guess that is why I try to create my own family I become a little more appreciated, possible more cared for?

I’m…. not feeling good. Being alone with my thoughts is not good. Not having someone to talk to about mundane things is not good. Not being able to hang out with friends, is not good. To be a normal 25 year old woman, would be ideal. I sit home and do nothing. My friends are people I talk to online? What the fuck is that? I work and feel miserable. Sounds gay but I am drained of all happiness except those little thing which I have no power over. Getting away from reality is increasing becoming hard and have thought about taking LEAGAL drugs like (salvia).

I really need to find my happiness cause what I got , if I have anything ..is not enough . I just don’t know what that is.

Comments: Add Your Own.