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Thursday, December 11th, 2003
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9:23 pm - loggin in...ish
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UM...., where do i start today.....I feel kinda wierd today, I feel very alone, very tearful, very lonely, and yet I feel very mellow, and happy......strange how all thoses feelings can be in one innit??
I feel alone, cos Michael has been working loads lately, and I've not chatted to him for as long as I'd like sometimes. I know he loves his work, and I'm not knocking it at all. I will be glad when he's here for keeps tho.
I feel tearful because, oh heck, i dunno, maybe it's the pills not workin as well, maybe it's because i am on, christ knows, but I think if someone said the right thing to me at the moment, I would be a mess. LOL
Lonely, probably the same reasons as I feel alone, But i think I am having a hermit day anyway to be honest.
I am mellow and Happy because I get really good vibes about the way things are going with Michael and I. He tells me he loves me all the time, He fones me as often as he can, even if it is for 30 seconds to say how he cares for me, which is wonderful.
I know he is the one for me, just persuading him is the hard thing LOL
I think he knows tho, we are on the same level about alot of things, and the more time I spend with him (and away from him) I know that we will work out just right.
Anyways, thats about it for today!! Maybe i will be able to write properly tomorrow, without the hormaonal head getting in the way LOL
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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8:40 pm - update....ish!!
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Ok, lots happened, or it feels like it, seem to have been busy for ages, but not alot has changed!!
Me and Michael are still wonderful, He is due down again this weekend and I can't wait! He's been here loads over past two weeks, and yet |I miss him like mad when he's not here!
We have had some chats about him movin here in the new year, so things are looking up for sure!!
Kids break up from school next week, so the hectic times begin!!
Kids are all well, and loving Michael, so it all looks good from where i'm standing!!
Nuthin much else to say really....just wanted to touch base, and write a wee bit.
current mood:  chipper
current music: shrek.....kids watching vid.
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| Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
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10:54 am - morning!!
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well, wot a few days i have had....all good tho might i add!!!
Me and Michael have had some cool chats......I think thats wot attracted me to him in the beginning, we actually talk to each other....properly!!
We were talking about my dad, and how I hate more people than i should for his death. I have had 7 years to think about it all, and as i told him, i have become blinkered towards it all. He discussed a few things with me, and gave me so much food for thought that I'm stuffed!! So, would I visit the place where he was killed.....6 months ago, I would have said NEVER!!....But after chatting to him, and talking thro my thoughts and stuff, I see that maybe i should 'try' and change my views.
So, after chatting to him till the early hours of this morning, I am glad we had the conversation, I think it needed to be talked about, and it was weighing on my mind too.
Michael makes me feel very special, and that is very rare. I feel safe when I am with him, and that again is even more rare!! I knew how I felt about him before we met, but since meeting, it just kinda puts a seal on it for me.
Tha last person I felt safe with was malcom. He was 15 years older than me, and at the time I was 21, i worshipped him. He was a bit crazy, he'd been in and out of prison, and was a bit of a 'wild boy', But something attracted me to him, maybe it was because he gave me a challenge. Mum hated him because of the asge gap, and because he didn't have a blemish free past. But we were together for about 6 months. He moved to southend to find work, and I was in bournemouth. We had no contact for a while, and then I got a phone call to say he was in hospital. When I got there he was a mess. He'd hanged himself. He'd admitted himself to a phsyc hospital, because he'd been depressed, and he was on 15 minute obs for suicide watch, and he still managed to do it. He was in hospital for 5 days before he finally died. I was devastated. And every person I have got close to has never measured up to him. I know I shouldn't have done it, but all the time I was trying to re-create that time. I stopped trying to do that about 2 years ago. I finally realised no-one was malcom, and each person should be judged on their own merits.
So, there I was laying in bed, being cuddled by Michael, and the feeling came flooding back. I was safe, and warm, and wanted. I wasn't thinking about Malcom at the time, (although I know he walks with me sometimes). But the feeling was very noticeable....and extremely nice.
I feel like an equal now, not someone who has to take on the worries of eveything. I am fed up of having to mother people, although it is in my nature. I want to have someone challenge me now and then, and not accept everything i say, or do, as right.
So, there we have it....me pouring out a little piece of my heart!!
catcha soon xx
current mood:  calm
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| Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
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11:31 pm - :( :(
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hummmm....feelin a lickle low at the mo, had to say cherrio to michael after a pucka couple of days, well, evening and a day.
I met him off the train yesterday evening at about 6.30, after his train was late, and i had to fight my way thro the traffic!! All i wanted to do when i seen him, was cuddle him. Was good to see him again, I had missed him like mad.
So, we went to the chippy, and went home, kids were waiting patiently, kelly looked after them while I was out. So we scoffed cod and chips....mmmmm.....yum.
The kids went to bed at about 8 ish, and we snuggled up on the sofa, and messed around a bit ;) We went to bed quite early, and although i was awake most of the night, he slept like a baby!!....which i am glad about, cos he was knackered.
this morning the dreaded alarms went off, and i got up to sort out the kids, and he came downstairs to watch me act like a loony running round after the kids PML. After dropping them off to skool, we went back to bed till about 11....which was really cool. then we went to cafe fer breakie......YUM!!...and then to shopping centre to buy a few bits and pieces.
Home again, via skool to pick up kids and grab baby from julie. then watch a vid, then off to mac d's for tea!!
Then the dreaded time came when i had to take him to train station to go home again!!
The time we had together spun past as quick as anything, and i wish it dint have to end.
I cried all the way home from the train station, and on the fone to my mum....lol.....what a sad cow i must be!!!! I wasn't prepared for the feelings I had for him, and I wasn't gonna say anything to him in case I was rushing things with him. But i think the way i acted and reacted to him, he knows how i feel, and when he sneaks a peak at this journal, he'll know too!!!
Am i in love?????......I think so xx
current mood:  excited
current music: silence.....yum
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| Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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6:41 pm - YAAAAWN!!!
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Blimey...I need an early nite!!!
My eyes are stinging, and i'm really tired.
I have managed to nearly finish the kitchen, a little bit above the cupboards to do now. Dint get the washing put away tho, but i have nothing to do tomorrow, so i will get on with it then I hope!
It seems that everyone is tired at the moment!! Michael is knackered, and needs to go to bed early.
Another friend is lairy, and because i am tired, i really haven't got the patience for him either.
Right, off to mellow in front of the tv....catcha soon xx
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12:05 pm - hiya
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well, i thought i would do an entry first thing in the morning, and lets see which of the jobs i get done by the time its time to go to bed!!
I need to finish decorating the kitchen, it's half done, and looks messier than it did in the beginning!!
I need to put away all the clothes, I have been given a new chest of drawers, and 2 wardrobes. And yet I still have 4 baskets of stuff to put away!! LOL
AND....once again, I still have to finish the ironing!!! Maybe i will do that once the baby has gone for his afternoon nap.
Right, sat here aint gonna get it done, so i'm off to get started!!
byeeeee
current mood:  lethargic
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| Friday, November 14th, 2003
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9:49 am - marnin!!
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ok...having a cleaning day again today!!.....sposed to be goin over to pick up my friend for a day of chatting, but i text her this morning, and laid on a sickie, so i could stay home and tidy up.!!...BAD GIRL!!!!
I seem very tired this morning, nuthin an early night wont fix!!
Got another demand from credit card compant this morning...grrrrrrrrr....i'll sort them out next week when i get paid. I totally forgot to pay them, I kept meaning to tho. :(
Xmas is looming, and I have a thousamd and one things to pay out for....never mind.
Only 4 days till Michael here.....and strangely enuf, i'm not nervous....very excited tho ;). When asked what he wants to do, he said just chat and get to know each other, so i'm well chuffed with that thought!! He is coming on Tuesday evening, and going wed evening, But older kids will be at school till 3.20pm, and the baby is staying with a friend during the day, so we have all day wednesday to ourselves!! YAY!! I dont even get that luxury on normal occasions LOL (unless i skive college ;) )
Claire said to me the other night that Paul & belinda and herself were coming to Bristol on 29th Nov, for us all to get together for a meal.(Paul used to be on a site i was member of, Belinda is his g/f, and claire is a best budd of mine.) The first thought was that we would all go out for a meal and stuff, but thinking about it, it would be hard to find a baby sitter, and money is very tight for me, so we came up with the idea that they would all come here, and we'd have a ''dinner party'' of sorts!! Claire lives half and half in cyprus/uk...so she said she'd cook a cypriot meal. But the thing she described sounded like stew to me LOL Should be fun either way, and I have asked Michael if he can come, as it'd be nice to introduce claire and him to each other.
I am mentioning all these dates to Michael, so that he knows the things I am up to, I do hope he can come down for a few of them, but i know how busy he is at work and stuff, and strange as it may seem (lol)...he actually enjoys his job!! *hat off to him*
The next date after 29th Nov is 1st Dec...I'm off to see Colin Fry. (medium) With lisa (best friend I have known for ummm....ummm....18 years *gulp*)
Then Dec 13th is the Curve xmas bash. They have found a venue in Bristol, so it's just up the road (literally) from me. (www.curve-online.co.uk) It is a 'doo' for larger ladies, althought there is no limit as to size of anyone. Alot of these places seem to have a +16 policy, which is fine except....what if my best friend is a size 12, but still wants to come with me for a party??
Anyway...enuf waffling from me.....spose i'm in a chatty mood, when really i should be in a cleaning mood LOL
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| Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
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4:14 pm - :0)
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I'm in a happy kinda smiley mood today.
Michael has told me that he likes me loads, so I am well chuffed!!! I liked him lots before we actually met up, but I found it hard to say that to him, in case he thought I was a 'stupid lickle girly girl'......so.....now he has said he likes me, I can speak my mind....coolio
Anyways.....enuf of the soppy stuff....lol....
I went to college today....I'm doin datebase at the moment....Last week, I dint seem to understand it, but this week seems cool, and it is all falling into place. Tho, god knows how I would impliment it in normal life!!!!
I'm finally cracking on with the ironing.....There is weeks of the blinkin stuff to do!!! All of the washing is done, so I feel quite good about the housework for a change!!
Michael is coming here on Tuesday evening, and the place will still look a tip i expect, I chase my tail with this place, Having four kids and a tidy house, just dont go together in the same sentence!! lol
This week is definately a skint week, I dunno where all the money goes LOL....and the car is drinkin petrol like the baby drinks juice!!!
Kids are chuffed, as I have updated the cable package to include disney channel now. So if they weren't glued b4, they definately are now!!!
Ah well.....never mind.....only 6 days and I can have a cuddle that wont cost a penny *hee hee*
current mood: excited
current music: disney channel.....argh!!!
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| Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
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9:43 am - grrrr
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Went into college today, after putting the baby into nursery, and they are shut till 11am....grrrr.....so I am at home now, looking around thinkin 'i must do some housework' lol
So after doing an update on here, I am going to crack on and get the washing, and maybe even some ironing done...I have so many things to do, I need a week away from the kids to do them LOL
Any way, I dint get my exam results today, for obvious reasons, so i hope to get them tomorrow.
Right, off to toil...catcha laters xx
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Silence....yummy!!!
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| Monday, November 10th, 2003
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7:01 pm - update of sorts
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ok...a week has gone past.....have done lots this week actually.
Tuesday 4th...went to college...sat another exam, powerpoint this time....3 exams outta 7 done now. Went ok i think, will get results when i go in tomorrow hopefully.
Wednesday 5th....Drove to Oxford....blimey....remind me to install a personal navigator PML...I got lost terribly....never mind. Went for lunch with Michael, which was really cool, once the initial nerves were quoshed. i think we got on good.....we are meeting up again next week, except this time he is comin to me....thank god...LOL....and I really can't wait. His pics don't do him any justice, and his humour is as i expected!!......so it was well worth the travel :0)
In the evening Me and my best friend, Lisa, went to see Drek Akorah in Torquay....All I can say about it is.....WOW!!!...He was stunning, he pulled a few ppl from the crowd, and said things about their passed loved ones, that only they could have known. I think it gave lisa some food for thought, as she was very deep the next day. But an evening travelling and stuff was well worth it.
I came home that night absolutely drained, having driven almost 300 miles in one day LOL
Thursday 6th....went to Slimming world, I had lost 2lb, so that was really cool....just 1 more pound and I will have lost 2 stones. I have gone from a size 22/24 to an 18. WOO WOO
So having felt acomplished and stuff....I went to see my other close friend, Sharon, for a fry up breakfast PML....2lb bak on i spect LOL We sat and chatted, and caught up on stuff, which was really cool actually.
Friday 7th.....Friend Claire, whom i met via the internet, and is a wikkid friend came down to see me for a couple of hours, on her way to see someone else. We went for lunch, and chatted about my meet with Michael etc. we went shopping and I managed to pick up a wikkid denim skirt. It is knee length, which i haven't worn for years, normally I wear trousers, or ankle length skirts LOL
Ok...so that was last week, The weekend was quite boring, except I was like a flippin dog on heat LOL.....dunno why.....but I was thinkin about sex all weekend PML.....never mind.....blame it on the hormones LOL
Michael was busy going to music concerts, so I dint have anyone to chat to, so I managed finally to get my arse on the sofa for 3 full hours and watch Lord of the rings!!!!!! I bought the video on its first day of release, and have only just watched it LOL hey ho
Right, having written enuf to sink the Mary Rose, I will sign off for now. Chat to you again Diary dear.
current mood:  awake
current music: kids hannels on tv...grrrrrr
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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4:20 pm - hello again
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ok...nuthin much to report really....'just another day in paradise' ....so they say
Wall units and wardrobes look pucka.....struggled to get em put together....so i am chuffed with them. And for first time...ornaments are displayed properly too.
I have butterflies about meeting michael on wednesday........wondering how we will get on and stuff....we are goin to a lickle pub fer lunch, so should be cool...and will give us something to do if the conversation dries up LOL
Kids back to skool tommozz after their half term break......Eldest is wingeing that he bored already.....so thank god he goin back....lol
anyways off to do tea......catcha again soon maybes
current mood:  bored
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| Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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11:50 am - taa daaa!!!!
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So....bin ages since i updated, bin a busy bee. I'm trying desperately to get the house up together. I have finished decorating the bathroom, and now am half way thro the kitchen...so much to sort out too!!!.... Dint realise i had sooooo much junk!!!!
Pills seem to be working, as i am a little more lighthearted about some things. It doesn't seem an uphill struggle anymore. And I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i thought i was going mad when i wasnt on the pills.....and i was frightened to ask for help in case everyone thought i was a quitter!! But hey ho....they seem to be working, so not gonna knock em.
I have a friend bringing some furniture here today. her mum is moving from a house to a bungalow, and so has offered me a wall unit for the front room, and a couple of wardrobes. It means the kids can have wardrobes now instead of just chests of drawers. their clothes are, obviously, getting bigger, and instead of getting 12 t-shirts in a drawer, I can only get 6 now LOL
So.....everything looking cool at the moment.
I';m meeting michael next wednesday..... I'm dreading it really...we have ben chatting on here for 4 and half months....and seems a natural progression to meet up, but i'm still vewwy nervous!! I think he is too, but he is a very cool character, so we'll see. I find it hard to read him sometimes, and he believes in fate, as i do, but he is much more open to admit he cant control the things that happen to him.
So......there we go.....an update of sorts....catcha soon diary dear!!!
current mood:  bouncy
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| Monday, October 27th, 2003
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11:33 am - monday again...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Ok....had the gas and electric guy round to change the meters over to prepay ones....so I have to traipse all the way up the shop now to charge the card/key with money...grrrrrrrrrrr
Kids are all sat watching tom and Jerry on the tv....and I am debating having to go out in the cold to go shopping....grrrrrrrrr
They off for the week now....God knows how many wails of ''muuuum....i'm boooooooooored!!''
They have a group to be going to this week to keep them occupied, so it not too bad anyways!! They have a trip to a kids play park thing tomorrow....so peace and quiet fer a while LOL
Mum had the kids while I was at the concert at the weekend.....She also started her cleaning rituals...(i'm the messy bird of the family)....she'd never be able to live here ....thank god....she couldn't cope with the chaos !!!! The House is always clean, but never tidy !!! And she hates it!!! LMAO
Had Chicken and chips and gravy fer lunch yesterday....haven't had that for years and years!!
Right...now....after all thoses random thoughts, I will chat to ya laters!!!
current mood: calm
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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1:16 am - Xtina
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Hi there.....its the wee hours of the morning, I have just got back from a christina Aguilera concert. It was STUNNING!!!
Black Eyed Peas were the support act, although i dont know much of their stuff, they did sing 'where is the love'....which i know all too well.
So....She was excellent...well worth the sore toes, trying to tip-toe because I had taller ppl in front of me...lol
The stage set up was cool, lots of different set ups according to the song, and all the favourites came out, fighter, what a girl wants, genie in a bottle etc etc...and the encore was 'beautiful'
very cool concert, and well worth the hour and half travel to get to the NEC
Right, having taken my happy pills, and waiting for them to kik in, i'd beter go.....feel drunk when they kik in....very strange!!
catcha soon xx
current mood: excited
current music: silence (apart from buzzing ears lol)
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| Friday, October 24th, 2003
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5:07 pm - feeling like poop lol
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well....as i said in last entry, I have a bit of the old depression at the moment....
In BIG need of a cuddle....but no-one around to give one.....
i have alot of fairweather friends, who decide when and where thay chat to me.....I help them to the best of my ability when they are down and then when i need a little support....they all scarper. I have one friend who stands by me, lisa, i love her to pieces, and I hate to winge to her.
ah well...maybe tomorrow I will feel better.....
Lisa bought us tickets to see Christina Aguilera....so going up to birmingham to see her tomorrow night....should be fun...have to shake this mood b4 then tho!!
current mood:  cranky
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2:09 pm - ello!!
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Well hello there....this is my first journal entry.....but not gonna bore you too much with the 'all about me' speech.
Basically, I am 30, with 4 small kids, I've lived alone for last 6 months after kicking out a lazy and selfish man LOL
Since he moved out, i have 'seen' a couple of blokes, but none of them have come to anything, and so i am still alone. I am chatting to wikkid guy on the computer at the moment....and we plan to meet up soon....5th November actually, .....We text on the mobile all the time, and we speak every evening, and chat on here also, so it looking good at the moment. i have been chatting to him for 4 months on and off, .....so....we'll see anyways.
A few weeks back things got a little too much for me, so after a trip to the doctors, I was put on anti-depressant tablets. They seem to be doing something, because after an hour of taking them, I'm spaced LOL, so i have to take them at night, then i am spaced and asleep!!
Went back to the doctors this morning, and she had upped my dose to two tablets at a time, will see how I get on, but will bring it back down if I feel that they are whacking me out too much.
Anyways, thats enuf to bore you with for now!!
Will add to this as often as i can, and if you wanna add me to ur frinds list feel free, as long as i can do the same to u xx manda xx
current mood:  accomplished
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