Fate's Amusement's Blurty
 
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in Fate's Amusement's Blurty:

    Monday, October 6th, 2003
    10:23 pm
    heh
    it doesnt even matter anyway, so why bother with anything.

    things are going well with the group, all of our songs are turning into quality music, all the problems in the band are gone, and we've developed the focus needed to actually utilize our talents. but i still want to scream..... or cry.... or hit somthing.... or... anything, i don't even know anymore. it isnt work, or school, or my freinds. the emo-ness that i hate has built up inside of me to such a level that i can't function. the only thing i can think about is finding someone for me. cause as much as i like my freinds, (or at least my true freinds, if that makes sense) the connection of a signifigant other is different, not just physicly, but mentaly and emotionaly. its more of a " we're in this together" type thing. your freinds can help you with your problems, but your girlfriend should experience your problems with you. at least they should. and not just the problems, but the good times too.

    and now im going to cry cause im turning into a whiney emo bastard

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: Renholder
    Monday, September 29th, 2003
    10:49 pm
    relationships and me
    to say that i suck at relationships would be a lie. im great at them, its just that no one give me a chance. those who see fit to always have serious mental damage of some kind. i hope to god that its not me, im told its not me by my freinds, and they shouldnt lie to me, theyd have no reason to. its not like id be hurt if they said im damaged good as it were, i already half suspect it anyway. out of the handfull of relationships ive had or could of had, ive seen over-controling pyschos, girls with major self esteam issues (those who need to be told that i do not hate them every five mins), compulsive manipulative liers, a bunch of just plain crazy girls and most recently a lesbian and a gay guy. oh yea and someone who just got out of some weird cult-like thing.. fuckin shit. i seem to be doomed to be alone, if not forever then for a really long time. the only girl i realy like is off limits for the most part, but that extreamly debatable. but it doesnt matter cause i dont even think she friggin likes me. dont get me wrong, i liked and even loved every one of my girlfreinds at least at the time. i never thought i was settling or just trying to get some, i dont even like sex, it doesnt interest me. all i want is someone to chill with, who i know like being around me, who will listen to me bitch, who willjust sit and listen to music with me and lean on my shoulder. i need to find someone i dont feel like i have to keep interested in me, somone who is content just being with me. i hate drama, but if somone can put up with my shit, i can put up with theirs, to a point. the most important thing with me is the chill aspect, no fucking arguments every five mins. the last girl i went out with was great, we sat around and watched tv, then we talked about music, and went out to dinner and just sat at my house. there was no mistrust, no dishonesty, nothing to argue about at all, untill the immaturity stepped in , both hers and mine, and i threw it away. and ive been kicking myself for two years about it

    Current Mood: discontent
    Current Music: APC
    Sunday, September 28th, 2003
    11:44 pm
    i hate you anyway
    so, my day began peacfully, woke up watched a movie. went to work. and that pretty much where everything went to shit. i find it truely upsetting that every time somthing starts to bother me, everything starts to bother me. not just in that "im in a bad mood, leave me alone" way, but everything that has ever bothered me and has ever been left unresolved suddenly comes back and punches me in my nuts. i get in trouble for someone elses mistakes and all of a sudden i want to kill myself because im 20 and have already screwed up my life and i have no freinds and i hate everyone i talk to. then i start thinking about why the only reason i have a job and freinds is because i really don't want to kill myself and i need somthing to occupy my time with. understandable, i have a few people that i enjoy being around. a few being 2. but on the whole everyone else just doesnt click and unless im in the mood to talk to them they just annoy me. and that mood changes from second to second. and i see all this and i realize that its a stupid position to be in, but it's not like i was standing in line for personalities when i was born shouting "hey, give me that shitty one over there!" i just cant force myself to enjoy stuff. so here i sit, alone and bored wondering if ill ever climb from this pit where ive been for more or less the last five years.

    Current Mood: crappy
    Current Music: im not in the mood
    Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
    10:02 am
    Way too early
    School, while sometimes entertaining, starts way too early. It's 8 am and the sun has only been up for an hour. What fun it is to know that everyone that I see here is still asleep. What can you possibly hope to learn with your head down on the desk and you eyes still focsed on a dream from wich you had never wished to wake from?

    Current Mood: tired
    Current Music: the sound of typing
    1:32 am
    hello to the people
    While growing up, my parents always told me that when entering a new place, be it a job, a neighborhood or organization, it is always polite to introduce yourself. So hello. I am here, my name is Edward. Please do not call me Ed, it is just a matter of respect and such. My main interest in having a journal is to meet new people in my area or just in general. I hope that you enjoy reading my postings as i will try to limit my ramblings of the lesser points of my life and try to speak my mind on my surroundings.

    Current Mood: cynical
    Current Music: david bowie
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