Blurty for A Numb Soul.

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Monday, June 23rd, 2014

(set me free)

Subject:Starting Paelo
Time:10:07 pm.
I decided to start Paelo. so this is my transition period. I know i tried before and failed but i have a few trial and error here and there to try and see how it is. My main issue seems to be digesting it as well as the feeling of constant hunger. I broke it today and because i was out of food to cook (i did not stock up) and just was feeling too tired from the lack of sleep that i ate the only think left in my house which was cookies and junk food. Sigh...

So tomorrow shall officially be day 1... i will start this week as a proper transition.

Start date: 24/06

Part 1 : No rice, no bread, no pasta, no noodles and no grains ( anything with grains i will be cutting out but the former 4 will be my main focus)

Part 2: No alcohol ( i have been following it well since i am back from my trip

Part 3: No Dairy ( milk, milk products, chocolate!)

Part 4: No Soy Products ( No tofu, no soymilk etc..)

Part 5: NO sugar : NO sweets etc.. ( will be done by end of the month)

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

(set me free)

Subject:She is...
Time:1:30 pm.
she is made up of words that not anyone can understand;
her mind is a dictionary of sadness and heartache,
and her heart is a poetry book for the hopeless.
she is the prettiest song,
the perfect sonnet,
the most meaningful haiku,
and the longest novel.
it takes a while to read her
seconds to love her
and a lifetime to forget her.

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013

(set me free)

Subject:Always love you
Time:11:11 am.
I am going to fall in love with you. You don't have to love me back. I am going to give you my heart.

Monday, November 18th, 2013

(set me free)

Subject:second chances
Time:10:06 pm.
at which point can i ask for a second chance... when i am fully fixed? partially? two-thirds? I am just going to try and go with the flow and hope that with time and with hope and faith... we can.

(set me free)

Subject:we get the love we think we deserve
Time:9:15 pm.
I have been told to write about whatever i am feeling by my therapist. A place to pen my thoughts and to process whatever has gone on in the sessions. so... this is my first entry i suppose.

It was a painful few sessions the past few days. Yes i even went back to back because i couldnt handle the thoughts in my head. It was a hazy feeling... all i knew was something was wrong and i wanted to fix it. I couldnt pinpoint the cause and he did for me..

So some of the issues that he is going to help me deal with :

- accept that i am a lesbian and not queer
- deal with why i hate the word lesbian so much and the internalised homophobia
- self affirmation of my indentity
- deal with my sexual issues which we found out is stemming from guilt
- embrace my sexuality and not be afraid

I feel like i want to talk about the sexual issue thing. I never could understand why i felt the way i did... i never was attracted to men but it was way easier to just get naked and do everything but the deed if needed be...because there never was any connection.. it just going through motions i suppose. Basic needs met without the need of actual sex. Men were easier to please.

With my first gf... the first time we did.. i was hooked i suppose and then i got afraid.. i didnt realise i was afraid until we talked about it at my session... i didnt like the fact that i liked it... i think i knew that made me gay because men didnt do for me and she did... i did not want to accept or like that and i pushed her away. I had to make it hard for me and her.. even though i just wanted her to take me there and then... there is just something about a woman's body above you and pinning you down.. the curves, the smoothness and just them...but i couldnt let her.. it confirms everything that i am not allowed to be.. i cannot be a lesbian..

It was my first relationship with a woman and i was still understanding this...even though i am sure i knew for years but i didnt like the confirmation which led to denial.

My current relationship which i suppose is on a break because we want to try one more time while i fix this.. i hope that is what it means.. and recently i have been feeling so hopeful because i feel like i can be fixed. I cannot understand why i seem to be so.. vested in this relationship or try so far. I suppose i always want to give my best but something about her... i feel that we can have this.. what i told her.. the whole kids, dogs and family thing..

why...why her... we have so many differences and drawn to her but i think despite the differences there are similarities at the core:

1. We both are driven ( we want our careers)
2. We both are damaged in different ways ( not a good thing but it helps to understand)
3. We love animals and love breezer to bits
4. We have a high sex drive ( i know i do, i just have to get over my guilt and i really hope to make full use of that)
5. We both want a kid
6. Vegetarians
7. I believe at the core we have the same values ( like wanting to help the people especially those who deserve it)
8. We want a family of our own... i never could understand when baby told me that she wanted a kid, her own blood because she felt that loneliness... i can understand that now.. i just want a family of my own too and hopefully with her. I want a family that i can put as first and they put me as first
9. We are vain little arses.. we want to look good and grooming is necessary. Did i mention the different clothes and working out.
10.Someone who is my friend and who i can talk to without being judged really, someone who calls me out when needed. (though i dont want to be friendzoned..they always say marry your friend right..)
11. We have an evil sense of humor...we can laugh at people, make fun of them and plot random things.. im also unleashing my inner perv which i am glad.. i love her that about her.. she brought that out in me..something i supressed...or i wasnt allowed to i suppose..
12. Its cliche but she makes me want to be better and she balances me out... i think i tend to be too optimistic at times or im up in the air and she brings me down to reality and makes me think or something.. i hope i do the same for her.
13. She can be playful at times and serious at times

but most of all my attraction to her...i dont know if she is to me though because i didnt let her and that i smy fault and so i want to fix it and i hope that i will be able to get a chance to show her that we can do this and we can work this.

Heaven forbid i wish i could just unleash all my desires or that i did before and i hope it is not to late.. because i do have them... so many fantasies about her and us.. i still do but i just couldnt let it happen. I didnt want to let myself accept it.. because if she did make me happy and i make her happy...then it is cemented.. i would be a lesbian for life.. that word is me...

but in that fear i pushed her away... i didnt let her connect to me in the way i wanted to and she needed to and i will regret it everyday and hope a second chance will help or else i will have to accept the consequences of my action and try to move on especially if i cant make her happy as a lover. I will have to accept her as a friend and wish her all the happiness in the world. I cant not want that for it... it is hard to when i do love her the way i do so i am going to try to fix myself not only for her but for myself because in order to love her i need to love myself first and that is what i am doing.

Friday, November 15th, 2013

(set me free)

Time:11:47 am.
When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African Proverb
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” -Pema Chodron
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." -Marcel Proust
Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.'

Saturday, November 2nd, 2013

(set me free)

Time:3:01 pm.
“One of my philosophy professors lectured wildly about love once, yelling: “When you’re in love with someone, that person is the lighthouse of your universe.” (I scrawled it inside Science and Poetry in pencil—lighthouse of your universe—as if I would ever forget that phrase.) He was a delightful caricature of his position. I could swear he literally tore his hair out while howling at us. He went on, “Nothing means as much without that person.” One of the men in the class repeated, incredulous, half-laughing, “So you’re saying you can’t enjoy, like, a vacation, without someone if you’re really in love with them?” “Of course not.” the professor replied. “Not completely. You recognize beauty, but beauty means less if they don’t witness it with you. Beauty is less. You see something sublime and your first thought is that they should be there with you. It’s not as good without them. They illuminate. They make everything more.”

Sunday, December 2nd, 2012

(set me free)

Subject:bittersweet ll
Time:2:44 pm.
If there was a thing such as love at first sight, then I might really started loving you right when I met you. You were the first guy to actually appreciate me, in a very different way. You were a bully and a mean person but I see deep down inside you were the kindest guy and the sweetest friend. You took a lot of firsts from me, and you were the only one who were able to make me feel I was a girl and a very special one at that. You were the one who gave me confidence and courage to be who I am and to be proud of being a girl. You were a one of a kind. I, sometimes question myself why I loved you, even now, I still do. Loving someone doesn’t need a reason or a meaning. Loving is, knowing nothing matters as long as you’re with the one you love. Love makes you foolish, it makes you blind, it is your weakness as well as you’re strength. You find yourself finding hard to say no to the one you love because you want them to be happy. But even though you know that you may face lots of risks, heartaches, disappointments, and sacrifices, but you still want that person to love you and wish you both have those mutual feelings. No matter how many times you fall, you could always stand up. And every fall makes you even stronger as you stand up to face another set of struggle to find the right person who ties your destiny.

You taught me a lot of things even though it was just a one-sided love. You taught me patience and understanding. It may broke my heart when I realized there wasn’t any space for me in your heart but it taught me that somewhere out there in the future, there might be somebody waiting for me, just like I was waiting for you.

And lastly, I just want to say that “I never regret that you were my first love and my first broken heart”

It takes a second to love someone but a lifetime to forget…

Saturday, December 1st, 2012

(set me free)

Subject:LL- You will not be missed
Time:10:05 pm.
je te manque.

you will not be missed. instead, i will let you slip into the cracks against the ceilings of my room, so that whenever my sleep-deprived mind chances upon another chipped acre of paint, i will be kissing your lips with the tips of my fingers.

you are still there, even if you have ebbed away into only an inch of my memory, because i do not remember you. i have never known you, but i have made love to your songs countless nights, in the wake of the moon. my mind did not sink for you, but for your voice.

(1 freed me |set me free)

Subject:I can't..
Time:9:50 pm.
With a gun to my head "Stop loving me", she said

"No but i cannot

Bind me,
Chain me
threaten me
Bite me
Hate me
Kill me

Do what you must.
But i will never stop.

I can't..
I just....

(4 freed mes |set me free)

Subject:Be unfraid
Time:9:32 pm.
And there within i see you
All huddled in that corner
Trying to hide from peering eyes

What makes you afraid?
What makes you hide?
I see you though

Come out beautiful
Come out and be unafraid

I don't know you but i want to
I didn't protect you but i will
I will shelter you now
I will hold you in my arms

Come out beautiful
Come out and rise

Its now time for you to shine
Just like the stars in the sky

(set me free)

Subject:star gazing
Time:9:31 pm.
more than anything, i want to go stargazing with you, out in the mountains where the sky is fresh and clear, the stars polished with crisp air rather than pollution. you’ll keep the telescope steady and i’ll simply gaze at the midnight blue, thinking of all the memories such ancient deities must wield, confined within the vast stretch of their beauty. it would be exquisite, once you set up all the equipment; we’d fight playfully over who gets to see first, but eventually you would give in and allow me to catch the first glimpse because i am the one who can carve out the hearths of the stars. i am the one responsible for the flames of the moon which lick up wood, yet fear splashes, for i have allowed one to sit within a box. perhaps it has burned. i do not know.

i would murmur of the craters, where the lunar miss is so insecure. you’d click your tongue against the roof of your mouth and direct my aim elsewhere, anywhere. you’d zoom in, and i’d feel my chest tightening because of the sheer quantity of jewels, all hidden behind the ashened guards. the sky must be rich, i chuckle, the sky must be a king. it is only a shame that we are not able to appreciate the glory of night, his constant triumphs and declared victories. i can only imagine how many battles he has experienced; each resulting in yet another scar, though all he does is shield. i would murmur of the twinkle of each star and you would contradict, saying, “they do not twinkle, but they blink, and they smile. they do not twinkle.”

i would look at you incredulously - i am the one to etch out phrases, after all - but you would smile, look at the sky and say, “my words have reached the heavens. do not fret.”

i would return the smile reluctantly, but your arms would wrap around my waist. we would kiss, just another photograph for the directors of evening to slip into their albums of collected memories. the difference between them and i is that they maintain everything in a book. i keep mine with you.

(set me free)

Time:9:27 pm.
dear you,

you look so peaceful when you’re still deep within the clutches of slumber. you do not shift as i run my fingers along the pale road of your cheek, and as i approach your lips, you do not make a sound of protest. you do not pull away. instead, the corners twist upwards, and it’s like you’re smiling. i want to kiss you, but i refrain from giving into the guilty pleasures of allowing you to pamper me. i have already lost so much self control. i cannot afford sacrificing the one thing i ever had complete control over.

you had a good dream. you don’t stop smiling until half the night is over, until it borderlines dawn. though i have so much trouble falling asleep, i think it is worth seeing you murmur underneath your breath, how your bangs shift against your face and i have to curl them delicately behind your ear, how i kiss your forehead and your smile grows bigger. you are so precious, and that is what i think to myself as i hold you close.

and maybe, you won’t wake up until much later, but i hope you don’t wake up to see me asleep, because i don’t want to think about how the thoughts that process through my mind, never occur within yours. i do not want to imagine that you see me sleeping, and you chuckle, and simply slip out of bed, without memorizing the easy dips and planes of my face. i do not want to know that you don’t kiss my forehead, and you don’t keep me in the morning in a photograph to remember, like i do for you.

but as long as i can wake up to see you, then that is enough. perhaps you have never been mine, but in the mornings, when it’s only the two of us, i can pretend. it’s all i’ve ever done, after all. i can imagine that you are mine, just as how i am yours. i have been yours, ever since day two, and you know this. you have never been mine, but when the sun peaks through the horizon, i can kiss your cheek, and pretend that when your dream ends and your eyes flutter open, you are thinking of me.

and the note ends, with:

love, me.

(set me free)

Subject:Ll- Yours
Time:9:00 pm.
You are my sun. You are the craters in the lunar beauty hanging in the sky, you are the bottle of ink I use to scrawl along the pages of my notebook. You are all the spaces between each letter of my diary, between each breath I draw, all the stories left untold and unshared yet waiting to be discovered, to be explored with curiosity’s fingertips.

I would like to say that you are close to being my everything. But you are not, for I also have other aspirations; yet, you’re what my entire being now stems from, the roots of my hopes and dreams all leading back to you. You, and your gorgeous smiles, the warmth and comfort your embraces provide, the slightest crinkle of your wonderfully gentle eyes and how you make everything better, more worth it, how you sing and release yourself in such beauty of a melody.. just you. No one else.

I need you. I am not a whole without you for you have eroded away from me such a large portion of my soul, with your promising whispers and enticing touches, and I do not mind in the slightest, to be someone who so wholly deems you as necessary. You have allowed me to break through the fog of uncertainty and anxiety and apprehension, you have cleared for me a path with even more than I could ever have imagined, you have given to me a muse, a reason, so many opportunities to exploit my full potential. I dont want to disappoint.

To be without you is to say the Earth without those few hours of glorious sun. To be without you is to say winter without its crisp, icy frost, spring without its usual showers and needles of rain to dampen and grow a forest. To be without you is to have autumn without the crackle of leaves and the shrieks of delight, without children masking as creatures and parading around in celebration of the 31st. To be without you is to be without purpose. I cannot lose you.

You are the spine which holds my book together. You are the silent strip of radiant moonlight that allows me rest within the tranquility of a night. You are a ribbon, beautiful, beautiful, someone so darling and precious.

I need you.

(set me free)

Subject:LL- no pretty words
Time:8:52 pm.
I’ll neglect the pretty words and meaningful phrases and all that crap for now. They’re for display, in a way — to appeal, and attract, express and maintain.

Anyway. I’ll just write down everything that I like, right here. Plainly.

I like it when I wake up and you’re right there, next to me, holding me. I like it when you kiss my forehead, and stroke my hair, hold my hand and tell me you’re there. I like it when you laugh and you’re childish and you don’t always see eye-to-eye with me. I like it when you’re still sleepy and you’re gaze is all glassy, your hair a mess and clothes rumpled, and I love it when I’m in your arms.

I like it when you praise me, because it makes me really happy. I like it when you surprise me with things, and when you teach me how to function. It could be things like how to feed, or simply how to play a game. (Sackboy’s probably grown dreadlocks by now, by the way. and I might have accidentally saved the game at a point way back. Oops. Ahlabyou.)

I like it when we’re both halfasleep so we mumble conversations that do not make sense, of fairy tales and nights and birdies galore. I like it when your voice is right beside my ear and you cradle me, treat me like i’m precious. I like how you sound lik

(set me free)

Subject:You're mine- LL
Time:8:47 pm.
You’re my clock. A hundred seconds and you’re still here, a hundred minutes and you’ll be counting away the time until eternity comes to a standstill. Wouldn’t it be lovely to meet the end of this gilded road painted by hours, in the color of sweet velvet’s violet? The gateways arch for souls and spirits but perhaps we’ll never have to meet them without our hands already interlaced.

Your fingertips are mine. I’ve claimed them. They’re all mine, the tools you use to build, to construct, destroy, create and cherish, they’re mine. No one else’s. They keep me warm at night and so I’ve laid my claims over your hands, palms, destiny’s blade having pressed lines on the surface. Also, your penis that small sparkle in your eye belongs to me just as you smile. I know you don’t recognize it but perhaps you can see that same twinkle when you’re with me.

It’s really small. And microscopic, and brief. But it’s like an aurora, brilliant colors having blasted and exploded to spread against the night the way blankets do over a child. Comforting. I like it. So it’s mine. No objections, hm? I want to keep that airy afterglow, after you-know-what. The activities that shall not be named. When your smile is fresh and clean and pretty, and we’re all too tired to do anything other than cuddle each other silly.

You know, with your arm wrapped around my waist and your hand in my hair, and my lips at your neck and my legs around your thighs. Clinging like a koala, sort of.

You’re comfortable.

(set me free)

Subject:i miss you-LL
Time:8:44 pm.
you’re not here right now but i want you to be. i want your fingers through my hair, your lips against my forehead, our hands sweetly interlaced. i want your chest to my back, or perhaps my face nestled against your neck, chin propped to your shoulder, limbs so tangled that it’s impossible to tell what belongs where, and to who. i want your warmth, your reassurance. the light that you deliver to replace the lack of light i now see. the sun has gone down, my assets have returned.

you aren’t here right now, but i want you to be.

i want to hear you, your beautiful voice, murmuring chuckles and nonsensical nothings to fill up for the silence i usually provide otherwise. i want our breaths to mingle and our lips, sweet, tender, together, mouth molded perfectly so that our heartbeats are also in sync. i want the ring you gave me to glisten and nudge against the pendant i bestowed upon you, and i want our souls to tangle together in perfect eternity.

i want you here with me right now.

nothing more than the wistful hoping, worry and concern. mistakes can be fixed but only for the future. we can’t reach in, dip our fingers into the river of our bygones to straighten out everything, our errs. we can’t. i want you here right now. come back. i don’t believe youve abandoned me, but i dont want to spend these nights alone. it’s frightening and cold, and i dont know what to do. where to go. who to believe. i’ve finished making the 1000 cranes and a few stars here and there and i want to offer it to you but you’re not here right now. i’ve weaved together for you a ring made of glitter and the moon so it shines even when it’s dark out.

i love you.

(set me free)

Time:8:41 pm.
Dear you,

Happy December -

Of soft, fluffy sweaters and gentle embraces and hands holding together as sweet as candy cane, of which will all be chipped at by little children near the corner of Christmas Eve. Of sitting by the fireplace and exchanging mugs of steaming hot cocoa, crowned by dollops of marshmallows and bubbling, heat radiating from the porcelain cup so we can wrap our chilly fingers around it. Of your cold lips pressing to my warm mouth so we can kiss, and exchange love, and be happy and merry beneath the mistletoe as is the custom.

Happy December -

Of snow, the first marking our first night as newlyweds as is planned, tokens adorning both fingers and such gleaming smiles brightening the soft blanket of white, tucking the fresh grass to sleep for a month or two before waking up, oh hello! Good morning and good day to you too, lovely Sun! Of which the clouds remain quiet and puffy and grey, tiny crescents of silver gleaming through the shrouded mass, and the trees will soon surround us with their tiny needle children being our witness when we say I-do, I-love-you, forever-and-always.
Love, me.

(set me free)

Time:5:44 pm.
Dear you,

Don’t you know that you breathed life into the fantasies that I once thought only words could describe? You built them upon a foundation of hopes and created for us a castle of memories, dotted with wishes and glass jar pieces that are oh-so-fragile. I hope you realize that you’re not perfect, and that you are flawed but that is what makes you such a perfect creature, it is not your flaws that I love but you and the way you want reassurance, the way that you’re so proud even if you don’t always say outright that something is so, you’re so ideal and it’s frightening to imagine how the world will spin without you here.

It’s frightening to imagine how dark the world will be if you leave. I wish to lower upon your head a tiny crown so you know that you’re befitting of the king’s throne, you’ve enough grandeur and royalty to be one of nobility and drown into a sea of riches and wealth and fame, relish in gold and love and adoration and affection. I wish to draw a flame, lit by the galaxies and how gorgeous it is when milk showers down upon a canvas of navy blue, stippled drops melting away to become a greater everything. You have wonderful hands. They’re so pretty, when they glide across that of a pianokey, when they cradle me closer, when they’re in motion and you trust me to hold what is so important to you. You trust me with them. You trust me with you, your voice and the way I always replay your melodies in my mind to assure me so I don’t have to be so silent, and quiet, so there isn’t unsettlement and unease to accompany my brain but rather your warm face, and smile, and everything that I love, that matters.

You are like a sweet fresh daffodil and each petal is a twinkle that I’d love to capture, your mouth minty and fresh against mine, and maybe a naughty touch or two. You’re great, and wonderful, and so precious, like a pearl, a black pearl hidden and masked amongst pink ones. When you smile it’s like fireworks have exploded across the universe because everything is bright, not in that way but a good way, the way it is when dreams are pleasant and songs remain in place.

You’re you and anything otherwise is not fully appreciated. You’re you and whoever loses someone who can bring pictures and stories and eyes and minds and rings to life like you can, to lose someone who knows how to carve their way into your story and leave without so much as a trace, they’ve lost too much to make up for.
Sincerely, me.

(set me free)

Time:5:35 pm.
"Well, there is this feeling I get that just takes my breath away." Quinn began and she shifted her angles continuously. "I remember the first time I had it. I was up in the mountains and pulled out my camera to take a picture during the sunset. I spent forever trying to figure out my angle and focal point like the amateur I was. I centered my shot, the lighting was perfect, angle flawless, and the shadows were magical. I finally found what I wanted in the viewfinder. It was so beautiful, pinks and blues of the sky playing against the dark grey stone mountains. The picture I took was everything I could have ever imagine it being and I was high off of satisfaction until I lowered the camera and saw the real thing standing right in front of me." Quinn lowered the camera and locked onto Rachel's warm chocolate eyes and paused. "There are no words to describe the feeling of realizing that the perfection you see through the lense, is more perfect without it."

Rachel's breath caught in her throat and Quinn returned to her place behind the camera with a hint of a smile on her lips.

"Even though I know I will never catch every essence of beauty, it's the feeling I get knowing that there is always more to see. That each picture exposes just a little bit more." The blonde continued, moving to the other side of the set, Rachel's eyes following as she went. "Once I noticed that, I really started looking at things. It amazed me how much we see everyday but have never looked at. How many people we talk to but never really see. That one experience has caused me to step back an re-examine every detail of my life. Every experience, relationship, friendship, every history… I see it all very differently now."

Rachel swallowed hard. She was so wrapped up in the passion that Quinn was speaking with that she didn't realize she was breathing hard. She was uncertain of exactly why she was having a hard time breathing. It must be the dress, the corset style bodice. "I assume that is where your new calm nature derived from?"

"It is. Turns out that when you see the world for what it is, it makes it much easier to be yourself. The world is much more than people and their opinions. Nothing is that simply defined. Never caught in a single frame. Why worry about one when there are millions more to look at?

Blurty for A Numb Soul.

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