Hey, Well you just went offline and i'm gonna sit here writing this e-mail to i go so hopefully by the time i've written it you'll have alot to read but we'll see =) So i would say... How are you? But i don't really think thats a smart thing to ask eh?! I guess it's obvious to me how you are. And you know, i feel like that 'cause we're not gonna see eachother for awhile it's gonna go two ways; It brings us closer when i get back (I'm hoping) Or you start to drift apart from me... which i hope does not happen. But well, I'm gonna miss you so much. Don't you think this is kinda wierd... Well not weird but you get me. Like i never thought this would be like this, missing eachother so much being a week apart, Has to count for something right? I mean, 5 months aswell... It all has to mean something!
'I wish you were here tonight with me to see the northern lights.
I wish you were here tonight with me.
I wish I could have you by my side tonight when the sky is burning.
I wish I could have you by my side.'
I love that song lol. They are a good band eh?! And i like 'Our Lady Peace' Aswell...
'I wanted you to know,
I want to be your shadow,
The mystery's gone,
So bring back the sun,
We’ll bury this hate,
And build it with love,
The grass wasn't greener,
I wanted you to know,
I dug you up a rainbow,
I know, I know I failed you,
I hope, I hope we get to,
Sunny days again.'
I wanna cry! I won't.. well i will soon probly. I'm listening to all these songs and they make me think of you... well alot of them do. Um, I wonder when you get this e-mail... I guess it'll be tomorrow. When you do, write back if you get the chance, i'll be at my cousins tomorrow night, i'm gonna check my e-mail. I'll try my very best to get on msn so i can talk to you in the evening. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ourladypeace/notenough.html Lol sorry, i just wanna put as much as i can in this e-mail and i'm going through this album and i'm just reading the lyrics aswell. But i'm sure you won't mind right? So yeah. It's like 11:45 and i have only one person talking to me now... Everyone has gone lol. lol I found a picture of me i took like... The other day, I'll put it in here in a second, I don't like it much but... hey you know. Damn... I attached the picture... Bit of a bummer as you know, i don't quite know how it'll look =/ But you know lol. I wonder what you are up to now. Agh, i need to be with you! Who don't you like 'Our lady peace'? I've never actually heard them up until someone told me about them the other day. I can't wait till i get my mobile... It comes on Tuesday but i'm not gonna get it till saturday. Camera phone lol! Hey, you know i'm hoping you do keep your promise, I do think that you will keep it and that you won't cut yourself or hurt yourself in anyway. 'Cause i trust you right? And when you say you won't... You won't.
'I remember feeling low,
I remember losing hope,
I remember all the feelings,
And the day they stopped.'
I so badly need to cry right about... *Waits 10 seconds...* Now! I just downloaded Limp Bizkit - Crack addict... Live lol. When they did it for wrestle mania. Quite a good song, Makes a change from the music i have been listening to. By the way, I wanna say sorry for the way i've been with you the past few days i think i owe you an appology... I mean like, I've been really pathetic being like that 'cause i couldn't get my own way and see you. I guess i was starting to get like jess, i won't and i don't want to stop you from being with your mates. That's something i don't wanna do. I guess it's just that 'cause i won't be seeing you for awhile i just wanted to spend some time with you like we did the other week when i was at yours 'cause i loved every minute of it. Just being able to lay with you and not have to worry about anything. But... I can't have everything my way. I have you, i shouldn't complain about anything 'cause you make me so happy and i know i don't show it alot of the time but i do love you and you mean so much to me you probly don't realise how much i do actually care about you. I was talkint to Adam earlier, Before you came back online. We were talkign about bands... then he said about emo and him being depressed. And i said to him how i don't show people how hurt i can actaully get, I just put a smile on, and then hope everythings okay. And i was thinking and i don't think i actually show my feelings that much unless i'm pissed off, Not upset, And decide to just ignore you. But when i get back, I want aload of things to happen.. If it's okay with you. I'll say now. Right... well I've said this before and this time i'm gonna try my best to stick to it. Okay, I seriously want us to talk to eachother more, You know like, If we have a problem to talk, not to get pissed and turn inot a fight and bring something up that happend ages and ages ago. Also, I want to see you more... I need to see you more. Um i don't think much has happend since i said about you telling Vicky everything, But i know there is nothing to worry about. Um, I don't want us to fight... you know that already. And i'm gonna try not ignore you anymore, I can understand what it's like for someone to ignore you and it gets to you alot. Well thats it for that lol. Tell me what you think lol and also if you wanna add to that lol. I'm listening to The Rasmus lol i like them... It's 12:26, i'm not even tired, just sitting here writing this and listening to music... also thinking alot, mainly about you. I still can't belive we are coming up to 6 months, I remember when i saw you last year lol. Didn't realise that a few months later i'd be going out with you and we'd be here... together. That makes me smile. I need to get credit. I will get some tomorrow, and i'll try make it last lol and i'm only gonna text you. had to give you that. Even though i have to wait for years for one of them... Well not quite but long enough... how many days um... *thinks* 9? Something like that, i'm tired lol. Hey you can have that aswell, did belong to me but you can keep my heart forever, And forevers along time. *Sighs* I don't wanna close this e-mail, I feel like i have so much to say! I don't actually know how long this is now. Oh i know what i wanna add in here, You may have seen it already... I'll find it. It's in my blurty so... lol.
IF I KNEW
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never! comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
I got it in a e-mail once, I read it earlier when i read through my blurty and it made me think alot. ... So did this ...
'u've decided to do it. Life is impossible. Suicide is your way out. Fine--but before you kill yourself consider these facts: Suicide is not usually successful. You think you know a guaranteed way? Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But, both his arms are gone. What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent , with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain- damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal. What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go. What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. What about knives and other things in your house? So you think you can slit your wrists and die? Ask Barb the 15-year-old who slit her wrist 8 times and drank shower cleaner. She lived and ended up in the pysch ward for the next 3 months.. missing weddings, birthdays, and anniversarys. Her Boyfriend was so upset with things, he became depressed and suicidal himself. Do you want to do that to people you love? But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job- -but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left.'
I sent that to Adam when he was telling me how much he wanted to kill himself and i really thought about it and realised people have alot more to live for than what they do die for. I feel like wanting to just cry sometimes or just hide away from things or die... But then i have you to live for. 'cause everytime i'm with you i'm happy. Even if i feel like life sucks i'm still happy i'm with you. Wow, i've said alot in here right? Probly too much, I bet when you are sitting reading this you are thinking... what the fuck is she on. Lol don't worry, it aint drugs. Oh yeah, are you going to that thing in Stotfold? I'm hopeing you are. What am i gonna do if we are still going out in the summer holidays, well we will be going out then! But you know 6 weeks... lol i'll be at yours everyday lol. How much of a gay arse am i... this e-mail is like... really long lol. It's nearly 1 now, 12:50 lol. See how much i love you. I've sat here for ages writing everything down, but i really don't mind. Think of it this way, you have something to sit and read that'll remind you of me right? My arse is kinda numb lol... And i'm cold... But you know that is my own fault lol, you know what i wear for bed. I'm sitting here well scared lol talking to my cousin. But i'm all alone with the cats *Runs off screaming... Realises i havn't finished this so runs back* So yeah lol. =) I love you loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and.. You get the picture right? I hope so lol. I think i better close this here now... So...
Bub bye x x x I love you loads and loads more that not even words can show how much. I can't wait to see you so i'll be counting down the days and look forward to seeing you rather than dragging myself down over it. I hope now you realise what you actually mean to me, i hope you know what i feel now 'cause i know i aint good at that but i want you to always no that i love you alot and i'll always care about you no matter what. So I love you and i can't wait to see you. x Night Night x
P.S. It's 1:07 =)