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Get me the feck out of Orange County. [13 Sep 2014|08:46am]
I hate Orange County. I hate money. I hate how much everything matters.
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mutterings before bed; thinking of new book [10 Sep 2014|09:46pm]
I'm getting caught in the rain.
I'm nesting.
I'm moving.
The boss doesn't know.
How to sing
out of tune.
The CEO came
and he took jobs away.
He's angry and unfeeling
somehow concurrently.
Milk lines
run the length
of my body
from armpits
to groin
in a parallel
pair. They are there.
Right now,
they are useless.
I've thought a lot
about my breasts
my whole life
but never of my milk
until half a year ago.
I made milk
and gave milk,
nourished her
and helped her grow
on milk my body
knew how to make.
We don't just have milk ducts
in the breasts,
we are mammals
we have milk lines
that run the length
of our torsos.
Other mammals
have lines of nipples
to feed a litter of young.
We've developed
to birth just one.
With an enormous brain.
Who suckles every
couple hours.
Some women have a second
nipple, somewhere along
the line. Sometimes it
even lactates. Something
under the skin
we're not aware of,
would not know was there,
we develop in week seven
in the womb.
Men have milk lines too.
In most cases they stop
at the groin, but in some
have been known to go
to the feet.
have extra nipples.
I'm not a polythetliac
but I've never had breasts,
not much anyway,
and for a long time I hated it,
then I owned it,
then in grad school started
actually wearing a bra
and after grad school had a baby.
My connection
with my breasts is
always changing.
Now, having weaned
(too soon, thanks
corporate America)
they feel different again--
softer, floppy,
maybe they're tired.
But now I should
rest; I never get enough
rest. Four and a half
weeks until the wedding.
Twelve more weeks
at this job (we'll see).
I'm getting into a
rhythm, though. It's starting
to feel okay, like I am capable.
I'm also, now, considering
going for my PMP certification
and switching career fields
from publishing to project
management. I like project
management. And I like books,
but books don't pay the grown-up bills.
And I can't grow up to be
Kathleen. We both know that.
After I leave
the company, I hope
we can be friends.
She's a good person.
And, even knowing
the company's shady
acctg, I might ask
to work PT, remotely.
is still not what I'm worth,
but it'd come in handy.
But now,
sweet Enadia,
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[07 Sep 2014|12:03am]
I'll admit it. I'm addicted to technology. How did this happen?
I'm so sedentary, and I hate it.
I never DO anything.
I probably spend 90% of my waking hours staring at a screen. At work, on the computer. Home, on the computer. Attached to my smart phone. Ughhh f that noise. I want to WRITE POEMS. I want to PRACTICE YOGA. GO FOR A HIKE.
Maybe it's because my time is no longer my own. So instead of being able to commit to any Suzie-centric activity, I can only steal noncommital snatches of time, so--
But even now. She's sleeping. It's Saturday night. Why in the hell am I on the computer? I'm only 28 years old. Do I really have NO friends here? No one I could have gone out with tonight. I HATE ORANGE COUNTY.
And it sucks because I don't REALLY hate Orange County. Our neighbors are really sweet. I admit I'll miss my job. But it's BORING, and PEOPLE MATTER. People matter extensively.
People in SD:
Hank and Summer and their family
M&S and their family

People in Chi:
dan (moving to CO)
sarah s
ben's family (closer)
ben's missy eric neil etc
What other lifers are around?
banana bite
No one with families, really.

Ok I gotta go. Computer's dying. I think it's a sign.
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I don't feel sexy. [26 Aug 2014|10:03pm]
Happiness comes from awareness of the body.

ie jogging, or meditation; sex
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to do [23 Aug 2014|10:34am]
meditate more
do more yoga

also, send a shout out to the sangha asking them to keep an eye out for 2bdrooms in the 1400 dollar range, i know it's three months off but better to raise awareness sooner than later. darling young happy buddhist family. also i will need a north county job, but that should come easier.

this job is quashing the thing i value most in myself, my positivity. talk to kathleen and be frank with her. youve got nothing to lose, snowshine. just shine more brightly than before. tell her youre feeling over stressed, shes asking for more but not to sound like a bratty teenager, whats the incentive? i have nothing to lose. it's an unspoken internship. i make 11 dollars an hour. theyre creating a rotating door position. also, is it just coincidence that jessi gets let go once she annonces that shes trying to get pregnant? between that and ks's nasty comments "mat leave is just a long vacation. you gone means more work for me. wah wah wah" (that sound like a kathleen problem, not an enadia problem.) i'm lucky because "when ya got nuthin ya got, nuthin to lose"

"sometimes it gits
so hahrd tah care
it caint be this way

joanna is here and yesterday was great!! i was not even too tired, had two coffees, at one point double fisting with a coffee in my hand and a cardamom three twins ice cream cone in the other.

all of the love, shining bright and eternal,
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gripes 'n' dipes [04 Aug 2014|10:09pm]
I wish I had married somebody educated, or at least adventurous.

Building an AdventureTime Minecraft? Umm dude you're 31. Get a life.

You live in SoCal. You have no excuse for this kind of lame ass behavior.

I know you grew up a misfit kid in rural ass America, and the virtual realm was your escape.

But grow up. Face real life. It's out there, and you're missing it.

You're too comfortable.


In other non-annoyed-with-Ben news, I got a job offer today.
Part time, tutor at City College, and I can work my way up to professor.
I'd give myself one, two semesters max. Professor Enadia. How does it sound?
The question now is, do we fork over lots 'o green and go now?
Or do I slowly suffocate and die from my own life and we go in December?

Kathleen and Shelley didn't think I would be back.
Why was I?

Why didn't we move when she was two months?
Because she was two months.

Ok that's all.

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It's unfair. [03 Aug 2014|10:42pm]
Why should I have go through 40 weeks of pain and misery, only to have my husband get to stay home and enjoy the baby and me go through crippling separation anxiety working a stressful job away from my baby all week?
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So, my life right now is pretty much in shambles. [13 Jul 2014|08:39pm]
I mean, things are okay. But not much better than that, and everything is up in the air.

I just got a note from KS confirming that I'll be back to work on Wednesday (do you think I'm THAT flaky?), and saying that I need a dr's note that I'm cleared to return to work. (Wtf? My note said that I would be off for a certain time period. Now I need a new note? How am I supposed to get a dr appt that soon AND how am I supposed to afford that nonsense? This is just more of HR's BS. Why do they want me to suffer? This company is so effed. HR is effed. Acctg is effed. AR hasn't gotten paid for her freelancing. It's overdue and she needs it before she moves.) And, Ben just pointed out, didn't HR say they didn't WANT my dr's note before? That this was between "me and the State of California." It's BS.

Mark's dad died. Completely unexpectedly. And I'm 2000 miles away. I want to be with Mark. I've bawled the last two days on the phone with him. I miss him so much.

Ben's been on the computer ALL DAY today. But he did make soup for dinner.

Vera won't. stop. crying.

I miss sleep. Oh God how I miss sleep.



What are my priorities?
2. Ben
3. Everything else

Ok ok, I guess health, happiness, family, love, books.

Should we just move back to Chicago?
I moved out here because I hated Sara, and to get over Fyodor.
I no longer hate Sara, and I'm over F.

But the weather here is so nice. But I'm not around like-minded folk.
Will I be in SD?
Where do my friends live?

I want to live in Seattle.

But even I moved there (which I won't bc Ben can't handle clouds), I would be there for a year and think, "I miss California. I miss Chicago. What about the East Coast?"



Ok so the second shamble, after where to live.
How much to work: I daydream of going back to City, working 9-1 M-F, bringing home ~800/mo. We'd be closer to (or in) a city, closer to friends/family, job less stress, more time with baby, don't have to worry about Ben juggling her and work. I don't want this stupid high-stress 60-hr-a-wk job. F that nonsense. That's not me. Even this 40 hr/wk job is hard enough. And eff Orange County. We have a comfortable life here, but it's becoming increasingly less sustainable for a family of three on what we make. I'm going to ask for my job offer in writing and tell WF I want more $$. They won't give me a raise, but maybe they'll dig that they should pay their employees what they're worth, if that want them to stick around. I don't think I'd be happy being a totally stay at home mom. I could look into freelancing, but that's risky. But City would be such a step backwards in my career. Maybe I could keep up the publishing thing by volunteering with City Works Press or something, or even PI?

I think the problem is, I have no idea what I want. I can tell you one thing, though, come Dec. 5 (end of lease), we're leaving Orange County. Because eff this place, that's why. We're going somewhere with CHILD CARE. Because CHILD CARE is a serious necessity.

It's really too bad Chicago sucks so hard. Reasons: 1) Pollution. 2) No jobs. 3) POLAR VORTEX 4) Need I continue?

Ok Ok so I've been sick and complainerly, I'm dreading going back to the office in two days, but it is what it is, eff this "need a note" bullcarp. OMG look what happens to happy playful Enadia when she IS SICK HAS A BABY TO CARE FOR AND GETS NO SLEEP. This attitude. This is what happens.


I also have to plan my effing wedding! And Vera's baby blessing ceremony!


Ok that's all.

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[10 Jul 2014|06:22pm]
Can I just stop being a parent for like, three days? Just some time to SLEEP OH DEAR GOD SLEEP, run some errands, take care of myself... and then come back like nothing had happened?
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putting this here. also, ofotcn gives me chills. [10 Jul 2014|12:57am]
Whatever you're going through right now, it will work out. You've got smarts, creativity, and energy, and I've got faith in you. Love~love~love~
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neversleep (parenting) [30 Jun 2014|08:14am]
mom, the unsung hero of the household
up before the day breaks washing bottles to refill
for the fridge for her man while she's at work

God gave me two more weeks' maternity leave
and i'm taking them. it's your responsibility
to hire a temp who can get the work done,
not just your friends. i won't feel guilty.
the project manager goes
back to chicago, and she's underpaid
so it's ok. and her dad helps with the airfare
because the hospital bills are staggering,
and right now there's a baby sleepy
who after eating awoke in bassinet screaming
when mom tried to lie down for a little more sleep
but instead went to calm the baby

and i held her
closely to me
chest to chest

in the rockingchair,
and i smelled her hair.
it smelt like new baby
and mother's milk.

her breathing slowed
to a steady in--
out-- and her felt her warmth
felt the steady slowness
of a love i had so long
longed for
without knowing
what it would be like.
some primal part of me

i love my daughter.
i might be starting to understand
how to be a mom.

we're going to chicago,
leave tomorrow.
get back sunday
and the next day
a job interview in san diego.
i think they must really like me
to have rescheduled me twice.
maybe this job will be all right.
i like my current job but we need
to get out of orange county, and we need
a two bedroom and can't afford it between us

i'll be back on the 16th, a wednesday.
kathleen will hate me.
everyone else will understand,

i wonder if it's the vanilla coconut milk
that made ben sick. i love him, deeply.
it's been two years (as of last saturday)
since that dizzying first kiss.
(it's a sign of being in love.)

i can't wait to be in chicago again,
no big plans for this trip. just want
to see my brothers, and show them
vera, and introduce her to my friends
as well. and f the cassins, no offense.
i'll go there for a day, but where were
all of you when sara was so sick?

i have to leave in 4 minutes.
i'm nervous about this.
i didn't do the dinos.
what's going to happen to
nat geo? or penguin? or the other
projects i was working on?
it's just 2 weeks. they'll all be fine.

i can come back on the 15th.
but gd i love my baby.
such astonishing love
between me and my baby.

the sleepless kid
who's heading home tomorrow
and taking my baby on the plane
and my husband
and it's beautiful
to know love
so truly
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I might be getting a job in SD! [26 Jun 2014|04:41pm]
I might be getting a job in San Diego!

Starting salary is $42,500. I make $34,850 now. That's $8,650 more annually.
Benefits include a health PPO (blegh you know I prefer HMOs but w/e), dental, vision, and 401(k) with 4% match. (I get 5% match offered now but can only afford to do 3%.) There's also yoga on-site Wednesdays after work.

It will be a stressful job. About 4 months/year I'll be working 50-hour weeks. I HATE the idea of less time with Vera. BUT we'll be so much closer to friends and family! What an enormous relief that will be. We'll be closer to Deer Park! There will be a CITY. Mmm it sounds delicious. Annette said there's really a good chance I'll get it!

Meantime, I have Nat Geo praising my Angry Birds rescue. I also have a dr's appt tomorrow at 3:15 (blegh so late) in Newport (blegh so far) for postpartum depression. Bc seriously yo's today is the first day I have not cried in way too long. (Why is that? Is it bc I haven't done any work this afternoon? Is it bc I'm relieved at the possibility of moving?)

Should I tell KS I'm looking? The new boss said I should, just to give her a heads up. It's fine; they would just hire Diane. But for such piddly salary? She might be better off just freelancing. I think I should go with my gut and wait to see if I get a job offer. Then (you know I really do like my current job, all things considered) should I ask them for a raise at WF? See if they can match? But I doubt that they could. But it is valid, though. I'm underpaid for a project manager, and I have a family now, so my financial needs are greater.

Ok these are all thoughts. I am still technically on the clock at WF right now, though (it was nice of them to let me work half from home in June), so I should take a stab at these last three birdies.

All hope and optimism,
the lady Enadia
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Do you think I have postpartum depression? [25 Jun 2014|09:59pm]
Being a working mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I love Vera intensely. So much so, when we're apart, every fiber of my being yearns for her. It's excruciating. I know I have to make $ and get insurance, but not a workday has passed in the last three weeks that I've been back that I haven't broken down once. Sometimes I even find myself crying in the car (not safe) or at my desk (not professional). Everything is overwhelming. I think I'm going to call my dr tomorrow about postpartum depression.
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[24 Jun 2014|02:22pm]
I couldn't have anticipated going back to work would be this hard. Excruciating. Punishing.

But in retrospect, I should have known.

And really, how much easier would it be staying at home? At least then I'd be with Peach. I could sleep when she's asleep. I could breastfeed her more. I could get some housework done and eat more often.

In principle, I like my job. But not right now. Right now I resent it.

That's all. Back to work, now.

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[23 Jun 2014|09:30pm]
I spent my pregnancy reading Russian literature and Murakami, to pull me out of my personal hell into a world even more dreary and f-ed up. It was a rough pregnancy. But having a newborn is even worse. It's immensely more stressful, and there's no time to read. I'd say at least you can drink once the baby's out, but I prefer books over booze any day of the week.
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It's the ocean's birthday today, too. [18 Jun 2014|10:19pm]
I woke up this morning to yellow tulips, a helium-filled balloon, a kindness card, wrapped presents, and a screaming infant. What could be better?
I fed her; Ben woke up to burp her and rock her back to sleep. I opened my presents: a bird kite and string! And we made love. He fell back asleep, I took a shower and made a yummy breakfast. Work was hard, but my coworkers were sweet. Coming home was harder; I cried and passed out. Then I went to the library, where I got some work done, but mostly chatted with my family and friends. I feel so loved! Feeling loved by family really makes this the best birthday the best ever.
I'm 28, and I'm elated.
Now the baby's in bed, I've got a pizza beside me, with strawberries-and-creme vegan chocolate cake in the fridge (with a candle!), and it's no ocean-splashing birthday, no churro-cupcakes on the beach birthday, not even a marble cake birthday or a tent birthday, but it's the best one I've ever had. Ben and I are going to snuggle up on the couch for some Bob's Burgers re-runs. Life is good.

Enadia, the magical mystical adult
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[17 Jun 2014|05:12pm]
Being a full-time working mom of a baby SUCKS BULLOCKS.
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I make literally $11/hr take-home pay. [11 Jun 2014|10:53pm]
I love my job, but it's becoming increasingly more stressful. Is it really worth the stress?

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[09 Jun 2014|07:29pm]
Holy cats, am I energetic and optimistic.

Go Enadia go.

I like me.
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I love Ben, but I'm scared for when I have to go back to the office full time. [09 Jun 2014|06:27pm]
And not just because I can't fathom missing her any more than I already do.
When I'm here, I'm watching her. I want to do it. But when it gets down to brass tacks, and I need to tackle my work, I tell myself it's okay, that Ben needs this practice anyway, for when I go back to the office full-time in July. Right now, he's only got Vera by himself in the mornings, before he starts work. Then I swoop in, on all too little sleep and after just being slammed in the brain with a thousand SAVE US ENADIA WE BURNT THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND WHILE YOU WERE GONE NOW YOU REBUILD IT FOR US GO heavy things pounding in my brain and loads of work to get done. I nurse her, cuddle, we play, I eat a quick bite, then she's napping, and I get to work.
But then she wakes up.
And if I'm in the middle of something, Ben will (valiantly?) OH I'LL TAKE HER DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT YOU BABY HER TOO MUCH ANYWAY and YOU'RE BECOMING A HELICOPTER PARENT. (You can't helicopter parent a newborn, dumbass! The peach is 9 weeks old! If she's crying it's because she needs something.) So he'll take her, and the phone will ring, and he gets frustrated because she's crying (SCREAMING), and he's trying to make a bottle, and his call drops, and he's cussing, and puts her on our bed (not safe!) and slams the door (even less safe!). He tries to get the call back, but someone else has picked it up, so now he's outraged, shaking the bottle without covering the nipple (COVER THE NIPPLE HONEY) (I WAS GETTING TO IT) so that formula is spraying out all over the kitchen and dining room. He grabs the screaming baby, whose howls are now ear-piercing from the other room (and of course by this point I'm not getting any work done anyway), stuffs the bottle in her mouth, the phone rings again, "Hello, IT. Can I get your ID please?" but she won't take a bottle just stuffed in the mouth as she's being held around the waist by one arm. He knows she needs to be angled, so he tries to prop his knee up on a chair (he stands to work; there's no time to sit down in a house with a newborn), and when she squirms on his knee and almost falls to the floor (I watch the scene holding my breath), he mutes the client and starts fuming, and lies her on the table next to the computer, the whole time keeping the bottle forced in her face to try to stifle her screaming, which then sounds more horrible as she's being further agonized (and too distressed to eat). He unmutes, "No I'm still here. Can I put you on hold for a moment?" and not wanting to see what his next brilliant idea is, I swoop in and grab my tiny infant daughter, take the bottle from her mouth, she starts hollering as I'm swaying her while trying to unlatch my nursing bra, "The hell are you doing? Don't you have work you have to get done?" like he's been doing me this remarkable "parenting" favor and how could I be so ungrateful. "Ben she's hungry! And you're busy. I'll get to the work." Pop her on the boob and shush and console her, and she starts eating with an angry fury, chomping at my breast (I wish I could have just put her on the boob in the first place and resent being back at work, but am glad to at least be home now to save her from I don't know what her fate would have been). So then I retreat into the bedroom so he can have the quiet of the living room, "Thank you for holding--" and there's 45 minutes I could have spent working (but I'd rather spend with her anyways) and GOING BACK TO WORK SUCKS and BEN SUCKS AT MULTITASKING and this is a problem when the tasks are PROVIDE INCOME TO HELP PAY RENT and BE A DAD. These two things should not have to be at odds with each other, but they really are. I'm hoping over the next few weeks, things will smooth themselves out, we'll figure it out. But in the meantime WAHHHHHHHH
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