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Like a Prayer Madonna |
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I had decided not to update due to lack of inspiration even though there is plenty to tell. This, however, changed my mind:
Someone's not quite what they seem, but that may be a good thing. All that glitters isn't gold, but sometimes something you thought was coal is actually a diamond. Take a closer look.
As I read the first line.. my heard plummented, I cannot lie. Yet.. when I moved on to the second sentence.. my heart did an amazing leap up into my throat. Strangely enough.. this is SO very close to what is going on.
Now at times, I do doubt the whole concept of horoscopes. I mean, there is no way that every Leo in the whole into world is having the EXACT same things going on in their lives. Such as the above selection from my horoscope. I mean.. how many Leo's does this actually apply to? At times, though, it's so eerily close to the truth that I have to stop and wonder...
Well, of course, this isn't going to be the whole subject of this entry. Now that I have my fingers going.. I must update on how things have been since my last dark, depressing, "theworldhatesmeandihateit" entry.
Things haven't taken a dramatic change, presay, but things have been kinda of.. different. I'm now finding myself getting what I wished for: something completely different. This is something.. quite unexpected to say the least. It started off harmless, I really didn't want anything to become of it... but now I find myself maybe, kind of, a little bit.. beginning to change that first opinion into something else. I'm not sure where this is coming from.. and I'm, well, frankly.. terrified of it. I mean, maybe I feel this way only because I'm lonely? Or maybe there's a reason I feel this way? Should I give it a try? Should I just totally blow it off?
Jalynn: Don't listen to anyone else, listen to your heart.
That's why I love her. Ever accepting. That could be why we've been friends for what seems like forever but is in reality only 6 years. Anywho, I know that holds a lot of truth. But what does my heart really want? It's like, I can't tap into what my true desires are. My inner visions seems to be clouded by self-doubt and the ever present fear of rejection.. and even worse.. lonliness.
Now, I know, I know. I need to get over that fear.. and just try things. But it's such a scary thought. I mean, everything I've done in the last two years has been relatively safe, except for a few screw ups. But even the feelings I felt for another, even those were safe because in my heart of hearts, I always knew it wouldn't work. We were just.. coming from two different areas in life. It was safe to feel for someone who wouldn't feel bad. As long as I was stuck on someone who didn't feel back..then that meant I wouldn't be hurt by someone falling out .. caring, like, love WHATEVER.. with me. And.. heh, we can all figure a fear for such things would come from.
Not that I blame anyone for that. I mean, it's one of those things that just didn't work. And it's great to know that I don't really care about that anymore, but insecurities such as that.. they just never go away even if you've worked through the original hurt.
It's odd that I'm pouring my feelings into this since I wasn't really feeling up to par today. I wasn't feel all that well. I suppose that can do with the lack of sleep I've been suffering from. It seems everytime I want to fall asleep.. someone has to call and wake me up.. or has to call and distract me from my sleep. I know I should be responisible and say, "Well, I'm sorry so-and-so, but I really need to get some sleep so I can be well rested and a well adjusted normal teenager." But um, yeh, that doesn't work. I just.. have to talk to them. I can never tell people I'm going to call them back.. well, that is unless they are boring me to death, as I'm boring you. But whatever, I just need to vent some. More than some, but who's really paying attention to that kind of detail?
I think.. I'm all updated out.. I've clued you in about my life without and specific details, how cool am I?
*rumble rumble* goes the stomach that can't tolerate food right now even though it's feeling like it's eating itself from the inside out
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energetic
thirsty
apathetic
enthralled
hopeful
frustrated
content
accomplished
crazy