Blurty for *EmotionLess Queen*.

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Thursday, October 9th, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Time:10:08 am.
Mood: nervous.
What have i been up to...

Well, yesterday... i got back from class and stopped by the front desk on the way in... Looch was working. :/ So i sat and kinda chatted with him, and we got on the subject of "hump day" and i was like "you can come up and..." and he was like, "Yeah, but i'm having this whole issue.. with people... finding out THINGS." So i go, "are you trying to TELL me something??" and [to make a long story short] we had an hour long hypothetical conversation about a male and a female (meaning the two of us) and how each of them felt about each other. I made it obvious that the female is VERY confused yet feeling 'feelings' that maybe she shouldn't feel and i asked how she should feel about them... he let on that he backed off initially cuz some people found out... but he's not mad... and well, he left me feeling even moreso confused. But i conveyed my most important message... that there ARE feelings. So we'll see where he takes this next...

Anyhow, i'm going to see Good Charlotte tomorrow night! I'm super excited. Then i have to come back here on Sunday, Tuesday night my roommate and i are dying my hair, and then Wednesday morning we leave for NYC to see GC again! :) Should be an exciting time. :)

I have a huge test in 3 hours. I am SCARED. I'm wasting time online cuz i'm too nervous to even study :/

Monday, October 6th, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: calm.
Things have been ok. Well, not really, but i can pretend, can't i?

This weekend was awful. I wanted to go home so badly. I worked Saturday, 10-4, and then went out for like an hour with Josh (my boyfriend). We shopped for groceries and ate at McDonald's (where, by the way, i noticed my ball off the top of my barbell was missing -- yes, i swallowed it). I wanted to go home and spend the night with him... but he had to work the next day so i couldn't.

Saturday night my roommate and I did laundry. (My roommate, Kelley, is also my best friend. I'll talk about her often so learn the name). I shrunk my "grumpy bear" hoodie... How upset was i?? That just added to all my emotions... Everything i just felt piling on me... even if it was stupid stuff... and i just criiiiied myself to sleep. I sat there in the dark and just sobbed into my pillow. It was like all my feelings came crashing down upon me. It hurt so bad.

I woke up Sunday morning pretty depressed. I spent all day in my pj's, listening to Evanescence and just moping around aimlessly. Later on that evening, as i'm standing there in pants like 8 sizes too big, a tight shirt with no bra, and my hair an absolute mess with no makeup on, a girl walks in the room and she's like, "Hi, i'm moving in..." So i show her around, and take her down to Looch's room... [Looch is the RA.. the one i slept with.. the one who's got my emotions in an uproar]. So him and I are talking and she's like, "uhh... ok." and i could feel the tension in the air. So we walk her out, and i talk to him... And we're talking and he's like "Are you ok? You don't seem ok," and i'm like yeah, i'm not... So we chat, and he starts getting really flirty.. which most definitely fucks with my emotions even more. So yeah, i don't quite know how i feel about that. *sigh*

Today's Monday.. thank god it's over. I had a big ol' test. Open book, i'm sure i did fine. I'm pretty caught up on my work, EXCEPT for my Stats class. We have a test on Thursday... and i am literally scared for my life. :( But other than that i'm doing ok.

This Friday Josh and I are going up to MA to see Good Charlotte/Mest/SoCo in Amherst. Then we're getting a hotel room and yeah. *wink* Hopefully we'll have a NICE weekend. I need it. Then next Wednesday Kelley and I are going to NYC to see GC, etc again. :) That should be cool, too.

Ok, that's about it... For now.

Monday, July 7th, 2003

(2 rapists | rape me)

Time:10:38 am.
I haven't updated in a while... Sorry ;)

My trip went... well. I'm indeed glad it's OVER though! It was a crazy week. I thought i could make it a week with my best friend but NONSTOP?! Ahh! She gets a little power-trippy and selfish. I don't have time to explain it all, but what i mean by selfish is that she always wants what SHE wants, and NOTHING less. What i'm basically leaning towards is her and how she feels about bands and concerts. Like, for the most part the trip was calm and shit, but on that Tuesday when we went up to Canada for the AFI show... AHHH! Let's just say, we left at 6 am tuesday, and got back at 6 am on wednesday. NO SLEEP, NO FOOD, NO ANYTHING. I thought we were gonna die. It's a long way to Montreal, and the way there was fine, but the way home we got so lost!!! It was horrible. Not to mention, all day i was hungry but all the signs were in French, all the people speak French, we didn't have much Canadian money, and she insisted we sit outside the venue from like noon on and not move. We saw the guys in AFI hanging out in front, but we didn't approach them. Many other stupid little bitches did, and you could tell they were being "bothered". But Jade walked by us, and waved as we sat on the stairs just sorta watching... then he walked by again, and waved and smiled... then walked over to us (HE walked to US, NOT the other way around!) and said "hey" and asked how we were. That was pretty damn cool.

The show started at 7:30... it was raining out, so we got inside we were wet, sticky, sweaty, hungry, tired, my feet ached... we got RIGHT down on the floor, FRONT AND CENTER. But the crowd was very rude and disrespectful. I got shoved around HARD, i'm incredibly bruised STILL. The show was cool. The security guard in front of us had a thing for me. He gave me free water bottles, and caught Jade's guitar pick and gave it to me :) Boy was my friend jealous! AFI is HER favorite band! :) But whatever. He met up with us after the show, wanted to go out and smoke some weed and buy us dinner... I wanted to SO BADLY because i was starving and coulda really used a good smoke, but i know better. So we hung around the venue, and ended up hanging out with Jade, and talking... I got his autograph, and took a picture of him with Kelley. Then, at like 1 am, she INSISTED we stay longer... even though we had to drive back to Vermont from Montreal. So we waited until Davey was out there, and we got to talk to him... it was pretty cool. I sat there studying his pins on his messenger bag. He has one that's a muffin over crossbones, hilarious. He was a nice guy.

FINALLY we took off for home, and did i mention ALL the streets are fucking ONE WAY?! How do we retrace our steps when we can't??? So we got lost... And FINALLY ended up on our way home, but instead of ending up in VT ended up in NEW FREAKIN' YORK! So it took us forever to get home. But we made it, at like 6 am. And went RIGHT TO BED.

That's the only part of the trip i'll really tell... Because the rest was just a lot of downtime, relaxing, driving... shit like that.

But, on to the BEST part of my last 2 weeks. July 4th was the Radio 104fest. Featuring Trapt, Hoobastank, Evanescence and fucking STAIND. (ahhhh!) I absolutely ADORE Staind. <3333 They're my favorites! One of my top favorite bands of EVER. So my day started out really shitty, i didn't feel well, i didn't wanna go, etc, etc, etc. *is trying to keep the story short* I found out that Staind would be doing an autograph session, which the big bands NEVER EVER do!!!! *gets excited* So we hung around, watched some bands, almost passed out from heat stroke... Watched a few more bands... lol. Finally, at 5 pm i go over to get in line for autographs. Staind wasn't signing till 6, but i wanted to be IN THAT LINE! So they announced they were only taking 100 people. And i looked at the line in front of me. Ayyyy. BUT i ended up being # 55. :) So we waited and waited till 6 pm... i had a guy from the band Revis get a poster off the wall for me as they walked by... and then Josh bought me another copy of Staind's new album cuz i didn't have mine with me to get signed...

So i walk up to the table, and they're sitting all 4 of them all lined up, and i put my stuff on the table, and the guys are saying hi, thanks for coming, how are you, etc. And i stand there, STARING at Aaron Lewis. OMG, what a fucking beautiful man. I don't think the word beautiful explains it enough. He's just amazing, incredible... *sighs* Wow. So i'm staring, and i get right in front of him and he looks up, and looks away, then glances back at me and (i'm STILL STARING) and he gives me the most beautiful smile. It was like saying "you don't have to say a word, i know what you're thinking"... It was wonderful. I was in HEAVEN, in a daze for the rest of the day. UNTIL...

Ok, so we go into the main stage to see the show... Trapt was almost done. We watch them, and Hoobastank... and Evanescence, or whatever. And Rob.. who i may have mentioned before (??) walks up to me and my group. Rob is my boyfriend's neighbor, who i used to have a "thing" with for a while (yes, it was bad). Well, anyways, he had a ticket for SECTION 200... the best seats in the house. And he looks at ME, and goes HERE, take it. OMG. *dies* Hello?! AMAZING SEATS! So i go down there alone, and leave behind my friends, my boyfriend, etc... and i'm 7th row, DEAD FUCKING CENTER. Lined up perfectly with Aaron's microphone. Oh shit. They played an amazing set. Aaron, up there so relaxed... they played some older, much harder stuff... they played an acoustic set... they played some brand new stuff.

Damn. That was the best fucking day ever. I'm still like WOW from it. :) I have my autographed cd booklet in a frame on top of my desk. And the big signed poster, i'm gonna go hang up now.

So yeah, those are my two concerts. The rest of the days were pretty boring. But those two were something else, i tell ya.

Thursday, June 26th, 2003

(2 rapists | rape me)

Time:1:13 pm.
I got my new tattoo! It's the exact sparrow that's on the Good Charlotte cd, although the colors are a little different. Instead of the wings being yellow and going up to gray, they're orange and fade yellow all the way up. It's cuuuuuuute. OMG, i love it. And it only cost $60. Dude, that's holy cheap. I'm going back for the other sparrow eventually, but not yet. ;)

I leave for Vermont tomorrow! Whoo! A trip. Yay. And on July 1st, the AFI show. :D How YAY is that?! Canada, whoo! It should be a fun week away from home. I packed this morning. Hopefully i didn't forget anything.

Monday, June 23rd, 2003

(rape me)

Time:9:42 am.
Mood: hot.
I feel like such a freakin' fat cow today.

Yesterday i ate:
Breakfast: 1 cup of cappuccino
Lunch: sour cream and onion chips, a ham/turkey/salami/roast beef/cheese sandwich. soda [regular, not diet]
Snack: More chips! EEK!
Dinner: numerous pieces of garlic bread dipped in sauce. coffee.
Snack: bowl of ice cream. around 9 pm. eek!

OMG, holy fat cow. No wonder i gained 2 lbs. That means, to get down to the current number i want to be at [not for good, just for like, this week] i need to lose 3 lbs. this week. This means business. Serious super strictness. Dammit. Looks like loads of water for me. :(

Today's Monday. Here's the list of things i have to do this week:

Monday: Clean up house. Straighten room, normal cleaning stuff, as usual. Take grandma to grocery store at 11 am. Stop by and see Dad sometime during the day, most likely closer to evening.
Tuesday: Hair appointment at 10:30 am. Burn some cd's?
Wednesday: Start washing laundry and organizing for trip.
Thursday: Pack for Vermont. Re-clean room. Make SURE i have everything i'll need for almost a week in Vermont. Including my driver's license to get into Canada. And my outfit for the AFI show. Go see my Dad at 8pm. Get home about 10:30pm.
Friday: Last minute preparing. Finish up packing. Make sure everything is ready to go.

There, that's my week. Not TOO packed, but busy enough to keep me rather anxious/nervous, as usual. Damn, i gotta get me something for these nerves.

Thursday, June 12th, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Time:11:30 am.
Mood: hungry.
Music:"Chance of a Lifetime" - Mest.
I've been so busy, i didn't have time to update. I worked for 5 days, so that was good, but it was only a temp job, it had to end sooner or later.... and it did. But that's 5 days of work and a check for me, so that'll help with my HUUUUUGE credit card bill which i wanna pay off between now and August.

And now i'm home, so i can get back to my "home schedule" instead of my "Working schedule". You know, staying up later, showering in the afternoon instead of at night before i go to bed early for work... Sleep later... Yay for NO WORK!

In 15 days i leave for Vermont! True, i'm only staying for 5 days. But that's 5 days away from HERE! And Kelley and I are going to CANADA to see AFI! WHOO! That's on July 1st, then on the 4th is the 104fest, with Staind! Double Whooo!

So, that's the deal with me. I was gonna relax all day... But Josh just called. So looks like i'm gonna take a shower and head up to his house for the day. :)

Friday, June 6th, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Time:8:50 pm.
I haven't written in here in like... a week. Ok, less than that.

I've had a horrible week. I don't even feel like talking about it. I ended up working both yesterday and today, and they want me back on Monday and maybe Tuesday, so that's a LITTLE bit of money. Yay. :) Every LITTLE bit helps, especially on that $500 credit card bill.

I'm still having issues. Major issues. Nondiscussable at the moment issues. My head HURTS. Owwwww.

Issues... *sigh*. Maybe when i get bored i'll write a novel. But, no one really reads this thing anyways, so it's not like anyone really cares. Meh.

Sunday, June 1st, 2003

(rape me)

Time:9:35 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:Simple Plan.
I'm doin' ok... Well, i'm still alive. Right?

It's been an ok weekend, i guess. Saturday i went up to Josh's house, and it RAINED like nothing else, and his mom and dad wanted to go out for their anniversary, so we had to watch his little brother. It was all good, we made some coffee and hung out... Went upstairs, and got CAUGHT UP in a little something and i ended up missing TASTEMAKER with GC. :( Well, i saw the last 10 minutes. Oh well, i'm sure they'll rerun it. Then i didn't wanna drive home at 11 pm, in the rain... So i called my mom and told her i was staying out. So i slept over there, and it was cool. Nice to be away from home.

This morning we woke up, made coffee... i turned on The Sims. ;) After, we went down to my Grandma's house for a few minutes to show her Josh's new little dog. After THAT, i went home... and he went up to Curt's house. Curt is our tattoo/piercer dude. I took Josh's PS2 with me to my house, along with The Sims. I played ALL freakin' afternoon. I've got this one part almost done, i've been playing it forever. It's addicting!

Around 6 or so, he came down to see me... I was BORED. We didn't do anything... But i was STARVING because all i had all day was a slim fast shake for late lunch, so we ran to Stop and Shop. I picked up two of these like healthy choice dinners or whatever. I got one that is a french bread supreme pizza, and the other spanish rice and a chicken fajita or something like that. I ate the chicken thing tonight, and i'm saving the pizza for tomorrow. I was suprised, cuz they're really small... but it definately filled me up! :)

So, Josh and i were talking tonight... Ayyyy. He was like, "Ya know, we don't need to see each other EVERY single day..." So i'm all, "What are you saying *makes sad face*?" "Just that we don't need to be together EVERY day, we can do other things... alone."

That felt weird. The first time in 4 years he's said that to me. Not that it's not cool or whatever, just really weird. I mean, 2 summers ago... I wanted to "see other people" and that literally lasted 3 days. And since i'm away all semester long, i'm only really around here home for 1 month during the winter, and 3 months during the summer. So to hear him tell me that he doesn't wanna see me every day while i AM home is weird. But it's ok... I told him, as long as we DO things when we're together... it'll make the days i can't see him dealable. I just wanna KNOW when we aren't gonna do something... i can't sit there WAITING all day and then at like 6 pm find out Ohhhh you have something else to do, yeah ok.

So i guess tomorrow he's going to see Curt again. So i'm on my own. Blah. I'm gonna try to stay up a little late tonight so maybe i'll sleep later than 9 o'freakin'clock tomorrow. God dammit, i hate being that fucking early bird.

Friday, May 30th, 2003

(rape me)

Time:10:49 pm.
Mood: angry.
Fucking fuck.

God, if there were words to explain the things i'm feeling. It just feels like one thing after another, no matter how trivial they may seem, it's all piling on and i can't take it anymore. And NO one seems to care. No one wants to care. No one understands. No one pays attention. Desperation, man. Desperate for someone to care.

I recorded TRL today, for my sister, and i was just sitting down to watch it because i'm bored as fuck, and it was just getting to the part where they previewed Britney Spears' new songs from the upcoming album, and my tape ran out. Fuckers.

One thing after another, seriously. See, how trivial, but on top of everything else, it just adds up.

I'm done. I don't wanna say anything else.

Thursday, May 29th, 2003

(rape me)

Time:11:25 pm.
Mood: angry.
Ugh. Just fucking UGH. Now is one of those times where i should just calmly sit down, and rationally just type out everything i'm feeling as a release, as a way to vent.

But tonight...

My insides hurt. My soul hurts. My heart hurts. My life hurts. God, i hurt.

I wanna lock my door, lock my windows, lock everyone and everything out. I want to be alone, yet i feel like a part of me is desperately crying for someone. I feel so lonely. I have the most god awful feelings.

I don't even know what to say. It's not like a big event happened, so don't worry, not that anyone WOULD worry. But it just feels like.. every day i write an entry saying how i'm having a great day. And by 10 pm, i feel so awful. So depressed. Something deep down inside truly hurts. Something that is hidden all day long by smiles and happiness, but it's all fake. I'm fake.

Who am i? Where am i? What am i?

I hate myself.

I hate everyone i know.

I hate everything i know. Do i even know anything at all? What is it that i know? What is it that i hate?

This pain.. i feel this pain building up. There are certain people, things that i'm angry at. Which in turn, is making me angry and bitter towards everything else in my life. What is this pain i'm feeling, and where is it coming from?

God, make it stop...

(rape me)

Time:4:16 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:TRL....
OMG, i'm soooo bored. Josh is working today, good for him, but i don't know when he's gonna get out and i've been in my house ALL day long. I exercised for an hour, and then took a shower. My dad called, he wants us all to come over tonight for pizza, but he doesn't get home till 8pm, so that means we won't eat till after 8. So i made a toasted bagel with butter and 2 slices of ham, and a cup of coffee. Ewwww, i feel so fat now. :(

I changed the layout to my journal, so check it out. I like it. :) I got really bored... so i was like alright i'm gonna figure out how exactly to do this. I have plans to do more work to it... Maybe i'll do that now... Maybe not. ;)

Ok, i'm bored... blahhhh. Kinda looks like rain outside... I like the summer afternoon's... when the sky turns gray... and you get a wicked thunderstorm. I do NOT like thunderstorms at night that wake me up. But i do like them in the late afternoon... It looks all sad outside and stuff.

"Summer air reminds me of... "

Ugh, there is SO much going on in my head right now. Make it stop! ARGH! I just... ugh. I don't even know anymore. I mean, i'm having a great day, and i'm really happy... Maybe THAT'S what i'm feeling. Happy. I get confused when i'm happy, because i'm not used to being happy. Yes, that must be it.

(rape me)

Time:10:31 am.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:"Waldorf Worldwide" - GC.
Where to begin... Ayyy.

Yesterday i played the Sims at Josh's house ALL damn day. Literally, from like 2 in the afternoon till 9:15 pm, when i left to go home. I came home, and there's my dog, all nice and sick. My dog is a psycho dog. She's nuts. She hates to be alone, so when we leave her alone she goes nuts. She's jumped out of windows before... 2nd story windows. She rips up the house, goes to the bathroom all over the place. So we bought her a cage, for when no one is home... but she ended up eating right through it, and that is a HEAVY DUTY cage! So last night, when i got home, she had eaten the cage, (not all of it, LMAO) and was puking everywhere. She was puking up pieces of metal. I'm trying to convince my mother to get rid of the damn dog. She's driving me nuts.

So then Kelley gets online and she wants to show me her pictures from the show. I was just like dude, leave me alone, i don't wanna see. She shows me this one of Joel, and she's like "So how's the one of Joel?" and i ignore it... so a minute later, "Soooo how's that picture of Joel, Huh Huh??" And i'm just like JESUS CHRIST leave me alone! Maybe my pictures will be half okay, considering she was in the spot I SHOULD HAVE HAD, she's 6 fucking feet tall, and she left me on the outside of the aisle with this goddamn light and a huge mic stand in front of me, for MY favorite band. But she wasn't complaining when she had pit for AFI and i just sorta stood back and let her do HER thing. UGH. *is getting mad again*

I don't know, i was REALLY irritable last night. I was talking to Lisa and i was trying to play it cool. But every goddamn word SHE said to me was pissing me off, too. I'm glad she decided to go to bed... Because i couldn't have done it much longer. I don't know.. i guess things are going well.. but something just feels really WEIRD and i can't explain it.

So i weighed myself this morning, and i ended up losing a few pounds. :) Yesterday i skipped breakfast, and lunch. But as i played the Sims, i finished off a bag of potato skin chips, and ate two pieces of pizza, and drank two cans of regular soda *i usually drink diet*. But i also exercised hardcore yesterday morning, so i think that did it. I should get my butt in gear and go make myself exercise again...

I got up this morning at like 9:30, and had the sudden urge to check my grades online. If anyone remembers, i had been having a SHIT time with that Calc. class. Well, here are my grades.

Biology - B
Human Condition - B-
Finance - B-
Calc. - C-


C-!!! That's GREAT, considering i was on the verge of a big fat F. So yeah, i'm pretty excited about that.

I called the temp agency yesterday. She said call back Friday. So i will. Josh is working today. So i think i'm gonna exercise, shower, do all that stuff. I had a salad for breakfast, so i think i'm gonna skip lunch...

Wednesday, May 28th, 2003

(rape me)

Subject:Long days... even longer nights...
Time:12:32 pm.
Mood: hungry.
Music:"Walk By" - Good Charlotte.
My days are still as boring as hell. I've only been home from school for a week and a half... and already i'm so bored i'm ready to move back to the dorms.

Every day it's the same damn thing. Wake up. Clean the house. Eat something *maybe*. Work out *when i feel like it*. Play online. Watch tv *occasionally*. Shower. Hang out at Josh's house.

And occasionally we'll throw something fun in there. Like yesterday, i went with my dad to visit my grandmother. *oh, the fun*. Or maybe go to Walmart... oh yay fun. This Friday night i'll probably go down to my dad's store with Josh. Gee, just the way i wanna spend my friday nights. I keep calling the temp agency, i have to call back Friday. Maybe i'll get a job sometime this summer? I'm not extremely broke, but without working i'm not having any money come in.. and i have a $500 credit card bill to get down by umm... August.

On June 27th or so, Kelley wants me to come up to Vermont. She'll pick me up, and we'll go up there and hang at her house.. her farm. There's an AFI show on June 1st that she bought tickets to *she's paying, NOT ME* and it's in.. Umm.. Canada, somewhere. So we're gonna drive to Canada for the show, then come back down to CT around July 2nd for the 104fest with Staind on July 4th. Won't THAT be an exciting week! Ayyy. I told Josh about it and he got all mad. "how come all of a sudden you wanna do all this stuff? Go to concerts without me, go to NYC, go to VT... Ayyyy" so i got all upset and started crying! And you know what he says to me? "Don't cry, your makeup runs and you look like that idiot". (we all know who he's talking about) But whatever, i'm not gonna let any guy keep me from living my life, so i told him i'm going regardless. Whatever.

We rented the Sims for PS2 yesterday. I'm NOT a fan of video games, but OMG i'm so obsessed with the Sims. I have a game going that i've been saving every time we rent it, and it's so fun. :) But i'm kinda stuck at this one point.. so i've been playing this one section for like dayyyyys and days. I can literally sit there and play for 12 hours at a time. One weekend we had a blizzard and i stayed over his house for like 5 days. I swear, he had to PRY me away from the tv to get me out of the house. I played from like 9 am till midnight, only stopping for coffee, to go to the bathroom, or grab a meal. ;) What?! It's FUN!

Ooooh my. Ok, going now...

Tuesday, May 27th, 2003

(rape me)

Time:8:21 am.
Mood: disappointed.
Music:Silence..
I don't even know if i wanna write about the concert. I guess i'll just highlight it...

The drive was LONG. It was raining. I froze my ass off all day long.
There were FREE wristbands for the floor. I got the colors for every band BUT Good Charlotte. I got on the floor for them anyways, and got kicked out before they came on stage.
Ended up second row for them. Behind equipment, i couldn't even SEE Benji. I almost cried. :(
One good thing... Joel came over to where i was standing and i touched his hand and took a few pictures of him.. i hope they come out. He was literally standing RIGHT above me, so i looked up and all i see are Joel nuts. ;)
Benji looked pissed off the whole concert. When i DID get a glance of him, that is. Only when he walked way forwards, when he stood at his mic, i couldn't see him, i tried not to notice that i couldn't even look at him, i kept preoccupied with looking at my FRIEND WHO WAS ON STAGE WITH THEM. *cries again*
I got some pictures, i'll develop them later today... IF they come out. I COULD HAVE been so much closer.
But, i guess it was better than being in my REAL seats that i paid for. I never even SAW those seats...
GC was the only band that didn't do the autograph table. Dammit.
I tried to go to their bus afterwards. I had no idea where they would be. I was too upset, considering my best friend just had the BEST day of her life, meeting AFI (her favorite band ever) getting pictures, being front and center in the pit for them... And all i got was a glance of Benji and he didn't even stand on the side of the stage at ALL that day during other bands like everyone else did. I wonder what crawled up HIS ass. Maybe Joel refused to give it to him that day.

*mad*

Yeah, i know. I've had AWESOME days before. Like, this was my 3rd time seeing them. Or the free Hammerstein tix last month.. or being in pit the show before that. Or getting Benji's autograph after the Hammerstein *although, he just scribbled because there were too many people to talk to and i didn't even have a camera on me* or meeting Joel, or sitting next to them IN TRL studio.

But you know what? ALL i really want, is to have 1 word with Benji, and take his picture. And i end up with EVERYTHING but that. I'd sacrifice it all just to meet that boy. I'm not obsessed, or a crazy teenie. He just means a lot to me, and i would like to tell him that. I guess i sound ridiculous, but i'm really disappointed with the way the day went.

If they come back during the fall, i'm definately going. And i want to meet him JUST ONCE, so i don't have to be so determined every time, and waste my time on that, rather than enjoying the show.

Sunday, May 25th, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Subject:Good MORNING!
Time:5:48 am.
Mood: anxious.
And yes, it is MORNING! The sun just came up, i saw it. :) I've been up since 4:30 am. Ahhhh. And i'm NOT EVEN TIRED!! We went to bed last night at like 12:30, after drinking a bit... ;)

I'm just getting ready right now... Kelley's in the shower. We're gonna leave by... ehhhh 6:30 i'm thinking. We gotta stop and pick up some stuff at the store, and get gas... and then we're good to go! It's not even a 3 hour drive, so it's all good, we should make it there in PLENTY of time. YAY. We're gonna need loads of time to scope the joint out and everything. Gotta have EVERY entrance covered, gotta find the place they part the tour buses... ;) Yes, it's going to be a long day.

I'm pretty damn excited. Just to see Good Charlotte, yes. Not to mention Evanescence, The Used, Finch, AFI, the Donna's (not that i all that much care for them), Jane's Addiction, Beck, and MORE.

:)

Saturday, May 24th, 2003

(rape me)

Subject:Hold In The Jealousy...
Time:10:36 am.
Mood: blank.
Music:none.
Well, hmmm. Good Morning. I was up rather early this morning, probably 'cuz i didn't have to stay up till almost dawn to see ATR...

I just finished cleaning the house. My mom is home *for once* so i got her to start cleaning. Man, finally, a house that's kinda clean! I'm trying to do all this, get out of the house reasonably early to go see my Dad, and then i have to get back here by 5:30 because Kelley is driving down from VT so we can leave early for the River Rave tomorrow morning.

Last night i was chillin' online, talking to Lisa... I was gonna send her roses, but i can't afford them. :( I found a few websites that send them for $30. The night that she left here, to go back to California... As soon as i got back from the airport i criiiiied and cried, and i had sent her yellow roses. Yellow roses are "our" thing. If you've ever watched the movie "Gia" with Angelina Jolie... her character, Gia, had a girlfriend, named Linda, and she sent Linda like dozens and dozens of roses. That movie has always been one of my favorites. We watched it together while she was here, and it just... it's our movie. There's a lot of parts in it that remind us of us. Linda is responsible, hard working, mature, level headed... that would be Lisa. Gia is crazy, wild, spontaneous, but incredibly loving and she follows her heart... that's me. Plus, Gia gets caught up in drugs, coke, and all sorts of partying... and a while back, as hard as i tried to hide it from her, Lisa found out that i was doing some hard partying, drinking, doing coke... and she got pretty mad. But i don't do it anymore...

But anyways, so every night i speak to her, and every night my feelings for her are growing more and more to what they used to be. So i figured i'd send her roses again, but i can't afford them. I looked for half dozens, or single roses.. but they only send 12 or 24. :(

But after that, she was telling me about how she had to get ready to go out... I got kinda sad. I know her group of friends, they're big partiers and drinkers, and she goes along but she doesn't drink or anything, she drives. And there's this one girl, Denise, that has the HUGEST crush on Lisa. I guess they were getting pretty close for a while there, and i found out and realized that i was insanely jealous, BECAUSE i still had feelings for her. So i told her, and we decided to get back "together" if you call it. But i know that Denise is still nuts about her and won't leave her alone. So of COURSE i got jealous when she said she was getting ready to go out... Because i know Denise always shows up. :(

I try not to be jealous. I mean, we may be "together" but we both realize that there's the whole United States between us... That it's an incredibly LD relationship and that when things WILL happen and we WILL meet other people. Ugh, it's a long story... But it's a lot of what broke us apart before. The LD didn't bother us. The fact that we can't see each other every day, or once a week, or once a month.. But we rely on the phone, the 'net, letters... and that's good enough, when you have that connection with someone so strong. I mean, she doesn't even care that i have a boyfriend here, because it's not about boys. That's something completely different.

I guess what i'm trying to say is... I dunno. It's the jealousy that kills me. She gets paranoid that i don't feel the same, meanwhile my problem is just that i get jealous of everyone who gets to spend the time with her that I want to spend with her.

This was too long, and too confusing. I'm sorry. I'm rambling. My head is a little jumbled today.

But in less than 24 hours i'm gonna be in Massachusetts with BENJI!!! :)

Friday, May 23rd, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Time:2:21 am.
Mood: jealous.
Music:"Full House" on tv.
Good Lord! This ATR at 3 am crap has got to end! I'm not sure i like staying up THIS late!

My days have been going well. Found out tonight, Benji got his number changed AGAIN. *makes mad face* Now i have to wait for what's his face to get the new number. Ho well...

I've been talking to Lisa (the ex girlfriend, the one with the hookup) a lot lately. I think we're getting "back together". It's a really long, confusing story, so i'll spare you all.

I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm ending it here.

Wednesday, May 21st, 2003

(1 rapist | rape me)

Time:10:46 am.
Mood: bored.
Music:"Against All Odds" - Mariah Carey.
Wednesday... Hump Day. FYI, All Things Rock isn't on till 3 am tonight. Last night, Joel and Benji talked about THIS FALL... and how they're planning ANOTHER tour!! :eek: I'm all just like "Wow..." I hope they play a few venues around here... CT, NYC, etc. I'll definately buy tickets for at least 2 venues... and fuck, if prices are cheap enough i'll buy more than that. :) I LOVE concerts, i go to as many as possible. *thinks of this weekend at the River Rave* :D

I was online forever last night. I was chatting with Lisa for a bit... Once again, more updates on "The Number". She said the beginning of June... probably right around the time the Civic Tour is finishing up, that guy is hanging out with NFG.. so he said he'll see if he can get Benji's number then. ;)

I was having a conversation with this girl that i know from a Britney Spears forum *yes, i'm a dork* . She's a cool chick. We were talking about Good Charlotte, which led to talking about Benji and Joel... which led to talking about TWINSEX. LMAO. Then ATR came on and i was like "TWINSEX ALERT" every time they even looked at each other. It was pretty funny...

It's raining today. :( Josh is home from work though, so that's cool. Looks like i'll go up there for the day, maybe we'll do something... I wanna go to the mall.. i need to check my balance at the bank, so i can pick up the new Staind LP and maybe another pair or pants or shorts, or both. :)

'laters.

Tuesday, May 20th, 2003

(rape me)

Time:1:53 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:"Tourniquet" - Evanescence.
I'm having a great day. :)

I slept in until 10:30. Got up, had a Slim Fast shake for breakfast... did some cleaning up around the house. Talked to Josh on the phone. Went out side because it's freakin' BEAUTIFUL out. I layed out in the sun for a bit, then came in and did aerobics for a half hour. Then i ate a nice healthy salad.

All this and it's only 2 pm! :) So now i'm gonna relax, maybe watch tv and chill out... Wait for Josh to come home. There's really NOTHING else i have to do. Hopefully tonight him and i will hang out... Last night we went up to this pond with the track (3 times around is 1 mile) so i'm hoping we'll go up there tonight and walk a few miles.

God, it's amazing how being outside... doing a little exercising... and eating healthy can make you feel SO great. 5 more days till the River Rave, i am DAMN excited!! Still no luck with that phone number... I dunno, the guy said he'd get back to Lisa with a new number... so i'm not getting my hopes up, but it IS exciting, lol. Still searching for the perfect drawing of the sparrow that i want as my next tattoo.

Ok, relax time for me...

If anyone gets bored and wants to chat on AIM.. my sn is EvilBondageQueen, feel free to IM me, i'm always bored...

Monday, May 19th, 2003

(rape me)

Subject:An Update on "The Number"...
Time:11:33 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:tv...
LOL. Alrighty, so i was just talking to Lisa.. my ex, the girl who met the guy who knows Benji... She was like "Yeah, i called the number and dammit, it's not in service!" so then she gave me the number, and it IS the same number that i already have that was posted on the 'net.

So, either
1) this guy got it off the 'net and is passing it around
or
2) that number that was posted is for real.

So, he texted her and was like "Did you talk to Benji?" and she was like noooo the number doesn't work and he was like "Dammit! That fucker changed his number again?? I'll call Chad (of NFG) later and get the 411 and find out the new number for you guys".

So i asked her, i was like dude, is this guy for real, or is he some cock trying to dick around a few girls so they think he's cool shit. She said she went out to his car after the show and he had the numbers in his phone.. he even showed her stuff from his band and his record label and shit. She really believes him.. so for now i (not 100%) believe her.

So i guess we'll see later... his name is Matt, and she got his number and everything, so i told her to stay in touch with him, and let me know if he gets Benji's new number.

I dunno, i mean, i think it IS shitty for fans to bother someone and shit like that.. But it's also a once in a lifetime opportunity that you meet a friend of theirs that is willing to get their number for you. I'm not gonna be like "OMG you're Benji of GC and i wanna have your babies!" or anything like that. I actually HAD planned on asking him about his tat's on Sunday at the River Rave ... so if i seriously got a hold of him on the phone, i'd be like dude yeah my girl met your friend, and said i could call you to ask you about your tat's... i mean, his tattoos seem to mean a LOT to him... so i think that may be a good approach.

I just hope this guy isn't trying to jerk us around. I have this other guy who thinks he's cool shit and he was like yeah i have Joel's screenname... and i put it on my buddylist and have tried nonchalantly IM'ing it with random stuff and it NEVER talks back... Which makes me wonder if it IS real. If it was someone jerking around and trying to convince people it IS him, he'd be all gung-ho to talk to someone... so maybe it IS him and he won't answer... oh well, he just signed off *lol*.

Blah, i feel like i'm having "teenie" moments. I'm really not all that teenie-ish. Yeah, ok, so i have a crush on Benji, i'll admit it. But what i would really love is just to have a few minutes and be like dude, i really love your tattoos... and ask him about the artwork and just tell him that i think he's a cool guy and that i love his tat's and his music ain't bad either. ;)

Blurty for *EmotionLess Queen*.

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