Sarah's Friends

4th December, 2008. 11:43 pm. What you can never know

Dear T.

I write these words with the pain of knowing you will never read them ... and you can never read them, or know the sadness of this unrequited love.

I have tried to suppress my feelings; no matter how hard I try, my pulse still quickens when you are near. I'm lost in the radiance of your smile, the beautiful hazel blue of your eyes, and the soft curves of your cheeks when you smile.

When we are apart, you are in every waking thought; I worry about you, your daughter, your parents. I can't stop hoping you are well, wondering how you are and what you are doing.

My daydreams of you fill the void of my empty heart; I imagine the two of us together walking through the park, stopping to picnic under a shady oak tree. I can smell your perfume as you lay your head on my chest. So intoxicating ...

I am in love with you, as in love with you as I am capable of being, with all my heart and soul. My tears fill my eyes because you can never know how I feel.

You, Loved One, are my therapist. And I know all about transference, and I have read the "whys" and "wherefores;" but this is beyond transference. I have known transference; this is different.

When we are together, I soak in your presence; I want to carry you with me forever. I want so much what I can never have -- a loving, personal relationship with you.

Alas, this will never happen.

It saddens me that I only get to see glimpse of the "real you" that you share with me. What you don't know is how well your kindness, your loving personality, your beautiful heart shine through. You can't hide those attributes, Dear. It's who you are.

I know if I were to write these words to you, or reveal them in any way to you, that you would refer me to another therapist. I promised you after our discussion about these feelings that should my affinity for you become an obstacle in my treatment, that I would admit it to you.

So far it hasn't been an obstacle. But no matter what happens to me, I will always care for your -- yes, even love you. You will forever have a special place in my heart.

I will always owe you a debt of grattitude for all you've done for me. I will continue to be your client as long as our sessions are productive, and as long as you'll have me as a client. Despite the strong love in my heart, I know that our relationship must remain what it is; I have vowed to protect that and keep it that way.

My heart will forever remain broken, however. You have told me that you do not allow friendships to form with former clients, which means that once I am no longer under your treatment we will no longer have contact. The inevitability of this makes me very, very sad because I will never get to gaze into your eyes and tell you from my heart, "I have always loved you."

Me

Current mood: heartbroken.

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prettiestxwreck

3rd December, 2008. 10:53 pm. rehab

They tried to make me go to rehab and I said
no no no
Yes I've been bad, but when I come back you'll
know know know

Current mood:

tired.
Current music: amy winehouse.

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anonymous15

2nd December, 2008. 6:12 pm.

Niki and I got our tonges done together! It's awsome, just can't wait for it to stop hurting, and the swelling goes down.

Current mood:

happy.

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anonymous15

1st December, 2008. 6:01 pm. update

So here's the update in my life:

I like this girl, but I'm with Justin. I don't know what I should do about that, but I've already opened my big mouth to her about it, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Now I've put her, Justin, and me in a bad situation cause I work with her, and Justin knows that I like her! So, that's that situation.

Work is really starting to suck because with business going down, so are my working hours. >:(

School is kicking my ass pretty much, but I only have two more weeks until I get my winter break so it's all good. I'm maintaining a C average for the most part, so I think that's okay sience I'm academic* probabtion.

Thats about it though.

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prettiestxwreck

1st December, 2008. 3:42 pm. Don't talk about it unless you know what you're talking about

You can not tell young women that it's wrong, and that they are a horrible person for considering that root. How dare you tell them it's a sin, that they will go to hell, that God will hate them. You don't have the power to tell anyone that, why? You havn't gone through it yourself. You don't know how it feels like to know you can't tell anyone because they will react the same way you would. You have no sympathy for these young women
You've never experienced sitting in the toilet peeing on a stick only to see the posite sign come up. You've never cried for hours, days, weeks because you don't know what to do about the situation. You've never been that scared. You've never had to call and ask for an appointment to end a life. You've never held your stomach, knowing that it's the last time you will ever hold something so dear to you. You will never know how any of this feels like. You've never gone into the room, all doped up on drugs because that's the only way you won't cry. You won't cry when you hear the two big swoops from the vacuum they use. You've never sat in the recovery room, eating cookies and realizing what you have just done. You feel guilty. You feel selfish. You feel worthless.
But you will never know how it feels like. These young women arn't being selfish, they are thinking about the other. The one that couldn't speak for itself. The one that couldn't hold on. The one that just wanted to live. They will live with this their whole lives.
But who are you to tell them that it's wrong? Don't try and teach your students that these women are wrong. No wonder they feel ashamed, they feel hurt, they feel like they're going to hell. No wonder.
But then, if they keep it, you will still look down upon them. So what should they really do? Huh? What should they really do?

Current mood: goood.
Current music: lean on me.

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prettiestxwreck

23rd November, 2008. 9:10 pm. Mark Taylor

Made me an amazing dinner last weekend. It was so cute because he made me stay in his room while he made it all ! So I played neopets on his account to get him some NP (i know, we're such losers, playing neopets? haha). Then he blind folded me and walked me to this super cool like..deck room that they have..it's like outside but attached to the house but like windows everywhere to see outside..it's really cool. Anyways he had candles and our dinner! Mashed potatoes, chicken mixed with pasta in tomato sauce ! mmmmmmmm mmmmmmm goood. He also made this delicious strawberry kiwi jello! it was sooooo good and with coolwhip on top ! soooo goooddd ! It was an excellent weekend. I love him ! So much !
This weekend..tonight actually..we had a swiss chalet dinner - my treat :) Trust me, I would cook him dinner, I have before, but I can not cook. It's just not in my blood. lol. I love him though, so much ! He means so much to me !

Current mood: I love you.
Current music: no one.

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prettiestxwreck

23rd November, 2008. 8:32 pm. other options.

I'm in control. I'm always one step ahead of the game. I do things today so that I know where I'm going tomorrow. I'm stable, I need to be stable. I can't not know where I'm going. Where life is going to take me.
I can't not know.
I'm strong. My mind can memorize things to no end. Give me a book and I'll memorize all the importance in it. What's important to this society. To get me into a good school. That I might not get accepted into. All my hardwork may mean nothing.
I need it to mean something.
If you tell me I can't do something, I do it until it's perfect. I'm a perfectionist. I need everything to be right. Great. Beyond excellent. But I am only human. I make mistakes. Mistakes could end all of this for me. There is another option. Failing.
I must have perfection.
I need love. I need to know that you are going to be there, through thick and thin. I need to be held. Hugged. Kissed. I need to feel your skin ontop of my skin as we make love. I need you. But I can loose you. It can end. But I will try.
Because I know I can, I know it means something, it can be as close to perfect as we make it to be. At the end of the day, I only need you. Nothing else matters.

Current mood: love.
Current music: i got a better one coming hopefully.

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