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Sarah's Journal
Last night I had a dream that we were at some kind of family gathering and my mom and I got in a huge fight so I tried to "run away" and my mom and my sister came looking for me and eventually they found me. Amazing.
Anyways. I might have been over-reacting when I was going on about how my dog doesn't miss me and how the neighbor kids shouldn't like me. I was just on emotion-overdrive after the big fight I had. I feel kind of lame about thinking those things. My dog is glad that I am back. He comes in my room every morning to come sleep with me just like he always used to. And the neighbor kids are crazy about me for some reason. I'm still not sure why though. Sam wanted me to come over to see their new kittens and then she wanted me to go jump on the trampoline and play stupid kiddy games with her, Lily and Andrew. I like those kids. They make me feel wanted.
I was rummaging through some old cds I had here at my mom's house. I found some old school Green Day and some old school Offspring and gave them a listen. It gave me major nostalgia for the 90's. Man, I fucking HATE this generation. Everything about this generation SUCKS. The movies suck, the shows on tv suck, the music HORRENDOUSLY sucks. Everything about this generation fucking sucks. I miss the 90's so bad.
Last night I was reading some old journal entries I had on my LiveJournal about things my sister has done to me so I got all upset and worked up and mad at myself. I think I'm feeling better today though. I should of never read those.
I think the blotch on my forehead is healing. Last night it was all pus-y and awesome. I just wish it was somewhere else on my body. Not because I care what I look like, but I just don't like when people ask me what I did. What am I supposed to say? I fell and scraped my forehead?? How does one do that? My nephew keeps asking me what I did and he knows I don't want to answer him. Now every time I walk past him or something hes all "WHAT'D YOU DO TO YOUR FOREHEAD??" Now I think he is just trying to antagonize me. I don't know why but I find it really funny. I love that little shit head.
I have no idea where my cell phone is. How liberating.
Current music: Bush - Mouth.
So my mom flew down to Florida the last week I was here. We did a bunch of stuff and whatnot and everything was going relatively alright until we were driving back to Michigan.
We got in a huge fight. It was horrible. I was so misberable, I just wanted to be home so I could go lock myself in my bedroom and get away from her but I couldn't. I was stuck in a car with her with two and a half more states to drive through. I was about ready to just go absolutely fucking crazy. I just wanted to go find a restroom somewhere or something so I could go cut myself or get high ...I didn't though.
Everytime I get really upset and have a breakdown and I don't have anything to cut myself with I start digging the fuck out of myself with my nails. So now I have a huge reddish, brownish blotch on my forehead that is just raw skin.
It hurts. It looks like I just layed a hot curling iron on my forehead. And I hate people asking me what did you do to your forehead? I haven't the slightest idea what to say to them. I wish it was somewhere else on my body. It looks ridiculous in the middle of my forehead.
As miserable as the fight with my mom was, I am glad that it happened. It had to happen sooner or later. I couldn't keep everything bottled up for much longer.
There were things that just needed to be said. I think I got SOME things across to her but overall, she will never understand anything. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.
Shes just too close-minded. She keeps telling me that I need to get some help, I'm too emotionally unstable and I have no coping skills. And she is right.
I am extemely unstable and I really don't know how to cope with anything but the thing of it is her solution is the wrong one. And that is the part that I can't get across to her no matter how hard I try.
She wants me to see a therapist but a therapist is not what I need. I know what I need and it is not a doctor. I highly doubt a therapist could tell me anything that I didn't already know.
People aren't the way they are for no reason. I hold much more faith in psychological healing then in having fucking drugs shoved down my throat. Talking to a therapist is not going to make me feel better and will not solve any of my problems.
The things I need a doctor cannot give to me. I don't know why my mother can't get this through her thick fucking skull.
I think she places too much faith in doctors because she doesn't want me to seek out what I really need.
She doesn't want me to move away and be on my own. She doesn't think I am capable of taking care of myself. She doesn't think I am emotionally strong enough to hold myself together. Why can't she atleast let me fucking try?
Its obvisous she has no faith in me whatsoever.
She uses our brawl as an example, how I just exploded over something really stupid. My explosion wasn't even about that. It was because I keep so much bottled up inside for so long I was bound to explode sooner orlater.
I keep telling her she doesn't understand anything and she says thats because you never tell me anything. And I tell her because this is what happens. We just end up fighting.
I keep everything bottled up for her sake because I just don't want to fight with her. How can she expect me to tell her things when she doesn't and never will understand anything no matter how hard I try to explain.
We're just such completely fucking different people. Its just absolutely 100% impossible for her to see anything from my point of view. So theres just no point in telling her anything. We'll just end up fighting.
I just don't know why she wants me to be here. I'm just a big fucking disappointment to everyone. I could never live up to who they want me to be. I'm a burden, thats what I am. Thats all I ever will be if I stay here.
I don't want to be a burden. I just want to be free and be me. I feel really bad for my mom sometimes. Having me as a daughter must be horrible. I would hate having me as a daughter.
The moment we drove into this stupid town I just wanted to die. Thats how this fucking place makes me feel.
My dog doesn't miss me as much as he used to, I can tell. When I finally walked up to my bedroom and sat down on my bed I just felt like crying but I couldn't. I'm all out of tears.
The two little neighbor girls came over to see me right when I got home. I should feel special but I don't. I just can't possibly understand why they like me so much.
If I was them, I wouldn't like me. I think they must be confusing me with someone else. Maybe a former me from days long past. Everything about this place is just wrong. I wish this town would just explode and be wiped off the face of the Earth. No more bad memories and bad feelings to associate with this Hell.
*sigh* I just don't know what to do. I can't stay here, I just can't. I will guarenteed end up hurting myself bad if I stay here. Is that what she wants??
Why can't she understand that if I stay here something bad will happen to me. Maybe I should do something just to scare her. I have to leave and thats all there is to it.
I don't want to fight with her again so maybe I will just leave without telling anyone. Fuck her anyways. I'm almost 20. I'll do what I damn well please. She keeps telling me I'm not going anywhere and I keep telling her she can't tell me what to do then she says not if she gets a court order stating I need mental help or some shit. Bullshit. I've been alive for 19 fucking years. If I was going to kill myself I would of done it YEARS ago. I'm too goddamn stubborn for suicide, thank you. My stubborness is about the only thing I have going for me.
What is she TRYING to make me hate her? I think shes having some separation issues or something. Her ill attempts at scaring me are not working. I know she would never do that, not if she wants me to fucking speak to her ever again.
No matter what I do she'll be mad and disappointed in me so fuck it. I can't live for her I have to live for me. I feel really bad about and like I said... I'm really sorry that I am her daughter.
But maybe after I prove her wrong she won't be mad at me anymore.
Current mood:
distressed.
Theres no words to explain how you make me feel.
I keep thinking to just be glad I'm not a pathetic piece of shit like you and that you will be sorry one day.
But every time you explode, those thoughts are replaced with fuck you forever and ever and I wish you all the bad luck in the world.
I honestly don't think I believe in karma, but in your case it couldn't seem more real. Bad luck after bad luck is all you ever get...
And you deserve every. fucking. bit of it.
I don't mention you to hardly anyone. Most people don't even know I have a sister. How sad is that? If it were up to me I wouldn't.
Every morning when you wake up its like you deliberately look for something to be angry at. Every morning when I wake up I listen carefully to see if your pissed off about something, to see if your shouting about something, or stomping around through the house, or banging cupboards and doors.
Its like a cup of coffee to you. You can't wake up without your morning cup of 'infuriated'.
I think your anger is your sense of security. You can't feel in control unless you can find something to be pissed about and someone to terrorize with your anger.
Just when I start to think you're not gonna be a psycho anymore and that you are doing better, you explode and prove me completely wrong.
After 2 years of living with you, I'm just now starting to realize that you will never change. You have a sickness and you will remain sick for the rest of your life.
You will never "get better". Who knows, maybe its not your fault.
Maybe your brain really is diseased and theres just nothing you can do about it... unless of course you had it in you to seek fucking therapy...
which would never happen.
I don't think you even realize that you have a problem. You are blind to the fact that you are the only 37 year old that throws childish temper tantrums. You don't realize that you have the maturity of a 13 year old.
You don't realize that you are the only person your age that acts like you.
When will you learn that no one will ever feel sorry for you? You are by far the biggest hypocrit I have ever met.
You complain about the way people are and every single thing that you complain about is either how you currently are or how you used to be in the past or things that you do now or things that you did in the past.
It blows my mind that someone could be such a hypocrit to that extreme.
You lie about your past because your so ashamed of who you were and what you've done but yet you try to make other people feel bad when you've done the exact same things.
I find it so incredible that you can constantly complain about how much you work your ass off and how you have worked your ass off since you were 14.
Why? Because I'm pretty damn sure for as far back as I can remember, before we lived in Florida, you never had a mother fucking job.
Or hell, maybe you did work your ass off (before I was born) and just decided to spend all your money on drugs. Because you certainly have nothing to show for it now (including brain cells).
You just partied and fried your brains. You have bummed off our dad your ENTIRE adult life.
If you've been working your ass of since your were 14 like you said you have then surely you wouldn't be 37 years old and still living with and depending on your daddy for support.
Your just an immature, irresponsible little girl who feels sorry for herself and wants everyone else to feel sorry for you as well.
I work so hard, I work so hard. The world owes me this, the world owes me this. Chill the fuck out.
You wonder why your getting gray hairs. You can't ever just do anything without getting credit for it. Every single fucking thing you do has to be acknowledged by everyone.
The world just has to know what a hard worker you are.
It shocks me that anyone could be so jealous of me. I've been through complete hell in my life time. But you wouldn't know that because your too concerned with what everyone has done wrong to YOU.
Oh, and also because you were barely even apart of my life until just 3 years ago. And I believe the only reason that is, is out of jealousy.
I moved down to Florida with my dad because there was so much shit I had to get away from that was destorying me.
But you don't know about any of that. All you know is jealousy. I moved down here so you felt like if I could then you should be able to as well.
All you ever do is just talk and talk and talk about your problems, completely oblivious to the fact that your not the only one in the world with problems.
You can just reel on about your problems for 10 minutes and I could just sit there and not say a single word. Your so caught up with your self.
I only pretend to be interested in what your saying just because when your mad, the tension between us makes me nauseus. Quite frankly I could not give a fucking shit less about any of your problems. NOT ONE SINGLE PROBLEM OF YOURS DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT.
Yeah you get into some pretty shitty situations, and if it was anybody else I would feel bad. But there isn't any one in my life that I've felt less sympathy for.
I wasn't hiding your yogurt underneath something in the fridge so I could keep it for myself. I don't even eat yogurt for fuck sakes.
And if Dominick wants to give me a ring that he got out of a quarter machine and then decides he wants it back, I'll fucking give it back to him. He's fucking 4 years old. Thats just how little kids are.
I'm not gonna fuckin cry about it. Unlike you I don't keep tabs on what everyone in the world owes me. Yes his mother owes you money, but thats his mother. Not HIM.
You have serious fucking issues if you're going to hate a 4 year old just because his mother owes you money. The kid didn't fucking do anything wrong.
It amazes me that you can have so many fucking issues with so many fucking people. How can so many people screw you over?? I honestly think the problem lies within you.
Yes there are some shitty people in this world but it just seems like EVERYONE is out to screw you over but I really don't think its because their bad people, I think YOU are the bad one.
I think people screw you over because you deserve to be screwed over and they know it.
No matter how many people screw you over I will never be on your side. I may not necessarily be on their side, but I will most definately NEVER be on your side so stop talking to me about your fucking problems. I don't give a shit. At all.
I said it once and I'll say it again, YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET.
Everytime you explode I think to myself that this is the last straw. Fuck you, I'm not forgiving you this time. But the second you start speaking to me in a normal, sisterly tone of voice I forget all about what you did.
And I hate myself for it but I can't help it. It just feels so good when your not mad, when your being normal and not being a psycho.
Every time you fuck up I think Fuck you, I don't need you, it doesn't matter if we get along or not, it doesn't matter if were enemies.
But like I said, the second you start acting civilized again, my hostility for you washes away. I wish I could just stay mad at you forever and just tell you to fuck off but when your being nice and normal again its honestly like a thousand pounds of stress lifted off my shoulders.
You have no fucking idea the amount of stress that is released when your talking normal and not yelling. Its just such a fucking relief that I just can't help but forget about it.
I wish I could stay mad at you and not speak to you anymore but I want so badly for us to get along that your wrong-doings just instantly slip my mind when your back to normal again.
I'm seriously a little fucking traumatized by all that you've done. I think in ways I never used to think before. Negative ways. And it makes me sick that I could let such a pathetic human being do this to me.
After 2 years of living with you I'm JUST now starting to get used to what a fucking psychotic cunt you are. Your anger doesn't affect me as much as it used to. Like I said... you are sick and maybe you just can't help it.
Whatever. Fuck you anyways. You'll be sorry soon enough. I'll make sure of it.
Current mood: I don't fucking care anymore.
Last night I had a dream that my mom and brother came down to Florida and my sister tried to trap me, my brother and mom inside what was supposedly our house. She put up an electric fence around the yard so we couldn't escape and when we did escape she tried to kill us but I ended up shooting her first before she could shoot me.
Amazing.
I guess thats just proof of what a rocky relationship we have sometimes.
Even my subconcious mind knows that shes so sickenly envious of everyone. Its disgusting.
She doesn't have a life so she doesn't want anyone else to have a life either.
Whatever...this will all be over soon. Soon enough I won't have to live with her anymore.
Current mood:
okay.
So last night I was roaming around town aimlessly because I just had to get out of the house and away from the fucking psycho. I really had absolutely no where to go, no one to talk to. I don't even talk to any of my friends anymore. So when I was walking I came across these two homeless people, a woman and a guy with dreads playing a harmonica. They seemed like good people, I just had a strong urge to go sit down and talk with them. They asked me what I was doing roaming around town by myself in the middle of the night so I started telling them a little bit about the bullshit going on at home. I felt tears coming on and I was trying really hard to hold them back but soon as I knew it I start crying in front of these strangers. I felt really fucking lame. But they were really nice and told me to keep my chin up. Here I am crying to these people that don't even have a home. You know, sometimes I think I would much rather not have a home then to have to put up with the shit I have to put up with at home.
Every once in a while I come across these amazing people that I can't really describe but they just give off this feel-good vibe. I can tell that they know what hardship and sadness is but regardless they still have a smile on their face and a song in their heart. One example is this guy that was standing behind me in line at Wal-Mart a few months ago. I consider myself to have really strong intuition when it comes to people. I just know certain things about people without having any way of knowing. The guy standing behind me was really friendly, had a big smile and was really cheery and polite but when he turned his head you could see his smile evaporate. He was one of those people that you know hasn't had the greatest or easiest life but he smiles anyway and tries to pass on the cheer to other people (just like the homeless people I met). Every once in a great while I'll come across these types of people that I've known for a grand total of 30 seconds but yet I just want to hold on to them and never let go. I want to cling to them as if they are my life force. Like I need them to feel alive and be happy. And I've only known these people for a matter of seconds but there are just some amazingly great people in this world that just give off that vibe that makes you feel real good inside. After I walked away from the guy in Wal-Mart I almost felt like crying because I knew I would never see him again. I wanted to just stay there with those homeless people and be homeless with them... but of course, I had to return home.
Anyways, I am feeling better today. I think I'm alright........*sigh*
Current mood:
nostalgic.Current music: UB40 - I Get Lifted.
So apparently my grandpa isn't going to die afterall. My whole family was ready for him to, even the doctors were shocked that he perked right up and seems to be doing just fine. I'm happy for him. Hes been through so much in recent years as far as medical procedures go. If he had enough willpower to survive through this then he certainly deserves to be alive.
Anyways.
I don't know what else to write.
I'm dying the front part of my hair blue today. yAy?
Yesterday me, my sister and nephew went to go eat at this Basil Chicken place. It was nasty as fuck.
For starters, I bought A MUG rootbeer in a bottle and it was flat and past the expiration date. Then I got a chicken sandwhich which was really not a sandwhich at all. It was chopped up chicken wrapped in pita bread. And it was just flat out nasty. Their mashed potatoes were edible but nothing I would choose to eat again, and their mac and cheese was disgusting too. I was pissed that I wasted eight dollars on that shit. Its a good thing their employees were really nice and friendly. Its the only thing that stopped me from asking for a refund or something. I hope that place burns down.
Whats funny is that the night before I actually had a dream that we went to go eat there. It was much better in the dream.
ANYWAYS. After that we went to the dollar theater and watched The Bucket List. It was good.
Uh.......I think thats all I'm gonna write about.
Current mood: aggressive.
I got a voicemail from my mom telling me she was sorry for not calling in a while. I noticed the way her voice kind of sounded weird.
Like a little nervous tension or something. I thought she was just trying to reconcile after the fight we had on the phone last time.
But then she tells shes been busy with my grandpa, hes been really sick and in the hospital. She tried to play it all cool like it was no big deal, but I could tell from the sound of her voice that the reason she was calling was to give me bad news about him.
So I called her back. She sounds normal and asks if I got her message. I say yes. So then she says "Oh." and doesn't say anything for about 10 seconds.
And then suddenly jumps right into the story with how sick my grandpa is.
She kept going on and on without pausing and after what seemed like 10 minutes of her talking I realized that he was dying.
If he was alright, she wouldn't of still been talking. She would of just said he was really sick but hes better now.
I couldn't even tell you what is wrong with him; she said so many things so fast, basically the most I got out of it was that hes too sick to have surgery, if he did he would probably die instantly, so they're just going to put him on meds and he will either get better or worse.
I probably shouldn't feel okay, but I do... Is that wrong?
Whats weird is that I've been having a feeling that something bad was going to happen within my family and I suspected more than anything that it would have to do with my grandpa. So I imagined what it would be like if he died and I imagined myself being all upset. But I'm not. And I feel bad about not really feeling bad. But I just kind of feel like this is a definite period of renewal for me. I've been having this strong feeling that I'll be going through a turning point in my life and my world is about to change and be re-newed. And this is just one thing that will contribute to that re-newal. It needs to happen in order for me to feel more connected and apart of my family. People come together and are always much closer in times of tragedy right?
What I'm concerned about most is how my grandma is taking it. Shes always all depressed as it is and this will surely make it worse. I'm a lot closer with my grandma then I am my grandpa so I guess that is why I am more concerned for her. I just want her to be alright.
I think the reason I'm not all emotional over it is because I'm so far away from it all. If I was in Michigan and had the weight of the rest of my family's emotions on me than I would surely break. I think just being away from it all is whats holding me together. I suspect I'll start feeling more sad when I fly back to Michigan and am around the rest of the family and have to see them being all emotional.
What amazes me is how my dad has never seemed the least bit phased by death. I mean I'm not all upset by it but I'm not acting like its no big deal.
My dad just continues about in his chipper, carefree manner.
This is one thing that has always infuriated me about my dad.
It seems that sadness is an emotion completely foreign to him. Hes just one big bowl of happy dipshit without a care or worry in the world.
My mom told me he cried when Janis Joplin died....I really can't picture that. I can't picture my dad crying period, especailly over someone he didn't even personally know.
I just can't even begin to understand how his brain works.
Current mood:
blah.
I feel so emotionally unstable sometimes it seriously scares the hell out of me. I'm so afraid that one day something if going to happen that I just won't know how to deal with.
I wish I could make this feeling go away. I wish I didn't have to attach myself to people in order to feel safe and secure. In the end that attachment does me more harm than good but I guess thats mostly because the people I attach myself to just one day all of the sudden decide they want absolutely nothing to do with me for reasons I've yet to uncover.
I was thinking maybe I shouldn't be so quick to attach myself to people unless I'm 100% sure that they're not just gonna one day completely ignore my existance.
But theres no possible way to know this. I'm still just completely baffled as to why these people did this to me, ESPECIALLY the last one... the first one maybe I could understand...his mom was smoking crystal meth while she was pregnant for him, I'm sure.
But the second one... he's honestly probably the greatest person I have ever met. He's one of the nicest, friendliest, most loving, and caring guy I've ever came across, I just can't possibly understand how he could do this to me.
I wish I could tell him how much I've changed and grown as a person all because of him. He is the first person that I have ever came across in my entire life that has inspired me to be a better person... I mean, I've always thought I was a good person but when I met him I realized how much better of a person I could be.
He was the first person I've ever looked up to, he was the first person I ever considered a role model to me. And what I would give to be able to tell him all of this...but I can't...because he doesn't talk to me anymore.
I don't exist anymore. And why? ...............I haven't the slightest fucking idea.
I mean I have about zero self-esteem but I know I'm a good person and I did nothing to deserve this. How could this person who I fucking idolized do this to me???
Maybe its the attachment thing? Maybe they don't like it and thats why they did this to me? But I don't know... they won't tell me. I tried real hard not to be clingy. Maybe I was being more clingy then I realize????
I asked them what I did wrong or whats wrong with me and they won't fucking tell me.
I mean by them not telling me it would seem like maybe they just don't want to hurt my feelings or something. But fuck... that can't be it. If they cared about hurting my feelings they wouldn't just all of the sudden pretend that I never existed.
I just don't know...
The first one did this to me.
The second one did this to me.
What am I doing wrong and why won't they fucking tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix whatever it is that I'm doing wrong???
I've never been so fucking confused about anything in my life.
Both of them did this to me.
Both of them.
Ugh.
Okay, so I absolutely hate talking about this mushy, sentimental shit. But I guess now I'll never have to ever again because I'm not doing this "love" thing anymore.
I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe its just not for me. I was never really scared of it before but no I'm terrified of it.
Current mood:
pensive.
Its amazing how much I have been changing in the past few years. My life experiences turned me into a really negative person with a lot hostility towards the human race. It used to be that everytime I met someone new, I would look for things I didn't like about them before I looked for things I did like about them. But after so much I realized that being angry and hostile was doing me no good whatsoever. It was only destroying me more.
I mean, I've always considered myself a loving person but sometimes I let life experiences get the best of me and turn me into a person I didn't want to be. Right now, I feel like a totally opposite person. Now I can actaully feel the love and understanding that I always knew I had in me. Now when I meet someone I try to see the good things in them before I pick out the bad things. I'm a lot friendlier than I used to be. I give people a chance to show me their good side. Looking back now I'm pretty shocked and can't even believe that I used to feel that way. I don't feel like I have to act or be tough anymore. I'm not afraid of being weak or of being anything but my true twisted self. Most of the time it was a gradual process but the past few months have been the biggest change. And this biggest change was because of just one certain person that I met (which is a whole nother (sp????) story that I don't want to get into right now). The final blow came just this past week. Because of this final blow (which I highly doubt is the final) I learned the lesson I was having the most trouble with. Don't dwell on things. The first couple of days after the incident were a little rough. But I realized that even though this was something I thought I would not be able to deal with, I have no fucking choice. The way the mind works is pretty amazing. When it comes down to it, you really are capable of coping with things that you never thought you would be able to. I'm still not okay with the situation, but I'm not sickenly upset over it.
Anways, what I'm saying is, because of this final blow, this is the closest I've been to feeling like the person I should be.
So here are some life lessons that I have learned and that I am working on, trying to accept.
1. Don't make plans for the future. Things will never go the way you planned them to.
2. Everyone has a dark side and a mean streak. Even the nicest, warmest people that you would never suspect. So don't think they won't ever hurt you. They might.
3. Don't completely attach yourself to or depend on people, places, things. They can and will leave you EVENTUALLY. (This is probably the hardest one for me)
4. I will always need people more than they need me. People's friendship is always more important to me than my friendship is to them. (This one I have been starting to accept fairly well.)
5. FUCK THE PAST, FUCK THE FUTURE, DON'T DWELL ON THE PAST, DON'T THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE. Do what you can for NOW.
I think there are more but I can't think right now.
P.S. I think most of this makes sense, I don't know, sometimes I have a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words but I think I made most of it makes sense.
Current mood: Reborn.
Current music: Kill Hannah - Lips Like Morphine.
"damn girl you are such a HOTTIE!!!!!"
When guys say that to me or something of that nature, I want to pound their faces into a brick wall. It sickens me...it really does. I'm not like most girls. I'm not easily flattered. To me, telling me that I am hot or sexy is not a compliment. IT OFFENDS ME. It tells me that you are only paying attention to my looks and not my personality. I want someone to like me for my personality. I mean sure, I want them to think I'm attractive as well but all in all personality is SOOOO much more important to me than looks. I mean quite honestly, 85% of the time I don't even realize that a person is attractive until after I get to know their personality. Personality can MAKE someone physically attractive. Seriously...The first boy I ever really had "feelings" for wasn't really that good looking in the way that society deems "good looking" and most girls (and guys) laughed at the fact that I liked him so much but I just loved his personality and his personality is what made him beautiful in my eyes. .........................SO YEAH. Personality is so much more than looks! ................or it is to anyone with a heart and an IQ anyways.
So, you silly little boys, if you really want to flatter me, tell me what a great person I am....cuz quite frankly majority of the time I couldn't give a flying fuck what I look like. In fact most of the time I deliberately try to make myself disgusting. It helps to determine the quality guys who like me for me from waste of space guys who just want in my pants. If you really want to compliment my looks say "cute" or "pretty" NOT "hot" or "sexy"
P.S. The Beatles are overrated. I mean yeah, they have some great songs that I love but they also have a lot of shitty songs. Yellow Submarine makes me want to stab people.
I just had to get that out cuz I know a couple of hippie kids that are obsessed with the Beatles and its just kind of annoying.
P.S.S There was a bee in my bed the other night and I lied down on top of it and it stung me. Now every time I'm in bed I see something move in the corner of my eye and think there is a bee. -_- What the fuck was a bee doing in my room in the middle of winter anyways?
P.S.S.S Man, this song makes me feel so at peace with myself. The lyrics almost make me cry.
Current mood:
blah.Current music: Enigma - Return to Innocence.