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[12 Nov 2009|11:27pm] |
death from genetics?
quite possible.
hehe little science humor to spice up the ol' blurty.
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[12 Nov 2009|04:09pm] |
i'm really good at doing shit by myself.
i truly have a skill when it comes to planning things and getting things done.
but i'm ridiculously hopeless when it comes to getting other people to commit to things, relying on other people to follow through with their commitments, and trusting things to get done if im not in charge of everything.
it's hard for me to lead people in my hunger& homelessness campaign.
i always expect to be disappointed.
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[12 Nov 2009|10:39am] |
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waiting all my life [rascal flatts] |
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i'm at work,
and it's weird - there's nothing for me to do.
i'm sitting here, and i have no homework.
i don't really want to read my newspaper; i'm too tired.
chas and i got to sleep at like 5am and i had to be up at 7:30 for work.
i didn't want to get up.
i didn't even shower.
i'm such a waste.
i wish i could go back to school.
nextquarternextquarternextquarter.
definitely.
i won't let ucla keep me outtt,
whether i have to do only one quarter every year or WHATEVER.
at least i took summer classes.
hah i'll probably graduate right on time.
how funny.
blahh - am i getting too excited because it's a new guy in my life and i just like having new guys?
or is there a legitimate connection between me and chas?
i guess i'll just have to figure it out.
it's terrible, though, because i feel like i'm back in high school -
afraid to tell a boy that i'm dating another boy
because i don't want to hurt his feelings.
well, what do i care?
and how do i always find myself in these situations?
i'm such a bitch,
such a dirty whore.
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[12 Nov 2009|09:50am] |
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make a plan to love me [brighteyes] |
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he's a gentleman.
he opens doors for me and he bought me breakfast this morning.
his name is chas.
he has blonde hair and blue eyes.
in some ways, he reminds me of mike, but he's older and more independent.
he likes to play the guitar. he wants to have a music career.
he's practical, too. he believes in having balance.
he used to canvass for us but quit recently (which is good because i wouldn't have been able to date him if he had kept working for us).
he likes scrabble.
the hell do i care?
i thought i didn't want a relationship.
i don't know; it probably won't last.
i'll be over it quickly; i always am.
i like him, though, right now and i'd like it to last.
but i know how i am -- at a certain point i decide i want to fall in love
and so i say it and then the feeling goes away.
well, it's not like we're in a serious relationship anyway.
we've talked about it.
well, we talked about it before either of us knew the other was interested,
and both of us said that we weren't looking for a relationship --
not at this age;
it's a time for self-exploration.
but, hey,
this might turn into something.
who knows?
joe dwyer, glad that didn't work out.
he was young. cheap. so not for me.
blah i am so boycrazy.
it's all i think about; how pathetic.
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[12 Nov 2009|10:30am] |
I should make better attempts at being friends with Rich. He is such an awesome guy/lab partner. He is also my neighbor so when I pulled in my driveway I was surprised to see his car at the end of my driveway. "Hey! Wow, I just realized I didn't even see you in the test - were you even there?" "Haha that is the exact reason I'm swinging by your house! I didn't see you either and I was afraid you missed it!" - how sweet. but still, I don't understand how I didn't see him. Probably because I was so indulged in my mini study group that formed half an hour began class.
I feel good about the test, but that is always a jynx so I'm going to not talk about it all together. I am amazed that I have not gone through crash mode yet. But it will come, I know it will come. While I'm energized I suppose I should put my spree towards cleaning and making lunch! Hello early weekend - I am retiring from doing any more school work this week. So it's a good thing I have nothing more to do! Except my I.C. meeting which reminds me that I need to sent out an e-mail statttt! Goodbye!
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| i'm wondering if blurty will ever fold? |
[12 Nov 2009|12:39am] |
I'm struggling to remember a time when any of it really worked, really fit. If Barb and Playboy really had any secure future, or if it was just a joke, maybe, or even just a turn of events that no one took seriously enough for us to just end before we got here--before our luck, restlessness, money and immortality ran out. No borders and definitely no base. No foundation. There was just an impatient, flirtatious girl struggling to get the hell out of one chapter, or even to end the book quickly and loudly.
So I moved.
With him.
And now there is no love, just arguments and tip-toeing and heartache and insults and selfishness and playing victim. Where, once upon a time there were little presents left on passenger seats while I worked, now I can't even curl up in a welcome and warm and homey lap. And I would come home crying about such an awful job. I don't even remember if he was there to hold me. What is this? Is this, being unfair? Why am I here? Fuck, that is the most disastrous million dollar question.
And once we touched ankle to toe in bed, even under the silence of disagreement. Now I'm on the couch typing hard to lessen the pain of depression and he's standing tall while laying alone in another room. In my bed. My bed. I am greedy. I am needy. But I get nothing, other than a bunch of shit and sarcasm and this isn't what I want.
Do I want Chicago? How can I force myself to do what is necessary to actually get to happiness? He's an ass, of course, but there's no doubting that my bitterness isn't the piss coating on the shit stain.
I've quite literally traded up my motivation for anything to increase my frown line. Nothing is making me smile anymore, and I get increasingly anxious now that he has his phone constantly on him, and he checks it like he breathes. We used to forget we were connected to the outside world of others.
I don't know why I do this to myself--get caught up in whirlwind romances like mine. They start with an infatuation for my exasperated impatience and readiness to soak up the every day. How quickly it turns stale with a realization that I'm a bit too crazy and unpredictable to handle. Relationships are not good, they just aren't. Every time I smile and breathe all too wisely to a lonely and pathetic single friend that I, "have the last of the good men", I realize that I'm making up my dream man who can't compare to what I wake up to.
This bedmate of mine no longer comes to the couch to pick me up to our room. I'm terrified of another screaming match because I know it will end in the death of a couple. I tip-toe around his expectations and wants. Who the fuck am I?
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[11 Nov 2009|09:35pm] |
Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright
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[11 Nov 2009|09:32pm] |
oh, for my 7th entry tonight in the last 10 minutes,
i will be saying how happy of a person i am, and it is all because of james.
so thank you james veselovsky.
for being the only part of my life i can rely on to not shit on me and to make me feel better :)
i love you.
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[11 Nov 2009|09:26pm] |
i wish other people can give you the answers to your life,
because frankly... i don't know what the fuck to do.
or what's the right choice.
but i guess i won't know until i start making some choices.
stephanie has an idea of moving to queens next summer.
which i wouldn't mind considering i want to live in/near the city anyway.
and going with someone who i'm close with would be nice, so i'm not alone.
since i now am going to be a fashion merchandising major, and wanting to be a stylist~*
i would like to maybe to FIT, parsons, something of the sort.
intern @teen vogue, or with an underground upcoming designer.
i don't know, i don't know.
i don't know what to do with myself anymore.
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[11 Nov 2009|09:18pm] |
all i really want
is
my
camera
back.
it hurts.
i'm so careless.
it hurts.
i really honestly feel a part of me is missing.
this time last year when my camera WAS STOLEN OUT OF MY OWN ROOM [fucking drug addict]
i was so sad, all the time.
i still have my film camera, but i hate getting it developed at walgreens or somewhere like that
and i don't have the money or space to build a darkroom.
and now i'm stuck with a $600 walmart credit card bill, and no camera.
because i am too trustworthy of people around me.
fuck you alyssa for not caring more about your belongings.
for being so stupid to leave your 800dollar camera on someone's table, like someone wouldn't want to take it to make some quick money.
fuck me.
it's been about a month and i try and pretend like i never even had a camera at all...
but it's not working.
it's all i want.
fuck you scumbag whoever took it.. why couldn't you come up to me and do a tradeoff for my wallet?
i would of paid you to get my fucking camera back.
how can someone steal something so valueable to someone else and not think about how they might ruining there life.
because people don't care.
and people are horrible, horrible creatures.
i hate the human race, and i can't wait til my life ends.
i am sick of living it.
it's all my fault why it got stolen i take full responsibility,
but fuck you anyway.
you ruined a good part of my life.
thank you.
i make the worst mistakes, over and over and over again
i will never learn.
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[11 Nov 2009|09:01pm] |
oh, and hybernation is coming soon.. i can feel it.
:| i don't know how james is going to react.
i tried explaining it to him; he didn't understand
how i shut myself out. i never really know how long it is going to last.
or when it's going to start or end.
one day, it just hits me. and i just disappear from the world.
the longest i hybernated was 3 weeks, the shortest was 9 days.
i just feel the need to be alone, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep.
i always think if i'm sleeping, my life will be put on hold and nothing bad can happen...
but then i wake up.
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[11 Nov 2009|08:59pm] |
i need to stop fooling around.
i am not 16 years old anymore.
i am not a little girl,
i am an adult who needs to get there life on the road.
i need to stop waiting for it to start.
because it has already started, and i don't know what i'm doing.
everyones starting to leave, and get accepted into college.
and i'm still in suffolk, treating it like highschool; fucking around.
I NEED TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER.
and figure out what i want to do so i can stop wasting so much on money on a community college.
f me.
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[11 Nov 2009|06:34pm] |
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You know the feeling when your heart is broken... And you breathe in? I hate it and at the same time I love it, it makes me feel alive.
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[11 Nov 2009|08:19pm] |
I don't want to study chemistry. I want to write. reflect. drink coffee. I don't smoke but I could probably go for a cigarette right now too. I want to re-read all my highlights of 'Looking for Alaska' and I want to sit around and laugh at my life and the person I am. I really like myself and I think that is a good thing. Sometimes I get high off of my own thoughts. Tonight would be one of those nights. but I procrastinated. and now, rather than enjoying this perfect coffee with some intriguing words I have to do it over air pollutants and acid rain. bummer.
Tomorrow I will celebrate. I have all intentions of skipping my miserable transportation class and going to Chris, Matt, and Noel's show. I figure I haven't been to a full class yet, why start now? As far as my english professor knows I am home at my parents with the flu (which I most likely now have after running in the freezing rain) and, well, Ownby just likes me so he has been okay with my early leaves of absence. Like during our nature walk that I went to completely unprepared in 2 inch heel boots and my nice grey Express shirt and skinny jeans.
"I missed the part about lab being outside"
"Yeah, I mentioned it at the end of lecture this morning"
"Oh, yeah, thats why - I had to slip out early"
"Oh don't worry, I noticed"
"Sorryyyyyy"
& of course 40 minutes later
"You guys are flying through this lab... two at once?"
"I kind of have to leave in 5 minutes, thats why"
"You know lab is scheduled til 3:50"
"I know but we alwaysss get out by 2:30 and I am dirt poor... I had to take this shift I've got bills to pay and I can'ttt pay them"
Hahahha now that I'm writing out these conversations I'm realizing Ownby is shit cool. I actually really enjoy him as a professor. Probably because our class is small so we all know each other. I like that. I like that Rich and I are trying to plan out schedules together next semester because we get along so well as lab partners. I like that we can go to happy hour together and talk about our lives with each other. and that he calls me up to hang out sometimes but i'm always busy. and that he lives with drug dealers who he told me can get me weed at anytime. and wow this entry just took a random turn. I don't even know what I was originally talking about.
Oh! Raging. So tomorrow I will not go to class. I will go see Isthmus. and stand in a crowd with about 4 other metal kids in a frilly dress because I do not belong in that scene but am somehow fascinated by it anyway. And then I will drink heavily. because according to chris I am an alcoholic. and then Friday I will go to the Recher and see FiTH for the first time in a year. and then I will rage again for Garretts birthday. and then I am free from Chemistry for TWO WEEKS because Ownby is the shit and is letting us off. Which I'm actually kind of sad about because I really don't mind chem. I just mind it now because I'm not in the right frame of mind. God dammit. I'm going to study. Goodbye.
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[11 Nov 2009|03:33pm] |
I hate sleeping alone.
I hate not having him here.
I hate that after 2 years, I still can't get over it.
I hate that I broke him.
I hate that it's going to be 2 years to the day tomorrow.
I love him.
I love his smile.
I love the little mole on his hand.
I love when he calls me a nerd.
I love that I can be me with him.
I love his tummy.
I want to be with him.
I want him to forgive me.
I want him to love me the way he did before.
I want to take it all back.
I want those 2 years without him back.
I want to start again.
I am sorry.
I am sad.
I am happy when he hugs me.
I am confused.
I am lost.
I am alone.
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