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I've got a four leaf clover in my pocket [08 Nov 2009|12:15am] madea___scence [ mood | depressed ] I remember the way you made love to me Like I was all you'd ever need Did you change your mind Well I didn't change mine Now here I am trying to make sense of it all We were best friends now we don't even talk You broke my heart Ripped my world apart Didn't you know how much I loved you Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby I gave you everything, every part of me Didn't you feel it when I touched you Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby Baby, tell me Didn't you know how much I loved you I can't get you out of my head I still feel you in this bed Left me all alone You couldn't be more gone From falling apart to fighting mad From wanting you back to not giving a BLEEP I've felt it all I've been to the wall Didn't you know how much I loved you Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby I gave you everything, every part of me Didn't you feel it when I touched you Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby Baby, tell me Didn't you know how much I loved you One day justice will come and find you And I'll be right there in your memory to remind you Didn't you know how much I loved you Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby I gave you everything, every part of me Didn't you feel it when I touched you Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby Baby, tell me Didn't you know how much I loved you Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby I gave you everything, every part of me Didn't you feel it when I touched you Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby Baby, tell me I gave you everything, every part of me

[07 Nov 2009|11:17pm] miss_kaserz if you havent seen this movie stop everything youre doing right now and watch it, o m g post comment

[07 Nov 2009|09:37pm] foxypawz post comment

[06 Nov 2009|06:08pm] miss_kaserz please let me hold you again. post comment

[05 Nov 2009|11:31pm] miss_kaserz LOVES IT. ♥ post comment

[05 Nov 2009|02:10pm] x0xcherryberry [ mood | drained ] [ music | (hAILIE'S SONG) ;eminem ] my horoscope thinks i need to find new sources of entertainment. i don't really believe in these kinds of things, but i think it's right. i do a lot of volunteer work. i put so much time and energy and effort into CALPIRG that it doesn't make sense because i'm not taking sufficient care of myself. i bet i could do better at work if i wasn't so worn out. everyone is selfish, and - intellectually - i realize that selfishness is a virtue rather than a vice, but there's something that keeps me from being that way and i can't figure out what it is. i am completely self-destructive. i am an objectivist. i believe in the correct philosophy, but i am still an altruist. what is wrong with me? i always defended my altruism by claiming that it was completely self-interested. it took me until this week to realize that it's a lie. i've been going to LOGIC meetings, and i agree with them. i have been wrong. i also went to the CALPIRG hearing to protect the oceans; i completely DISAGREE with them. i understand that the environment is a concern and that it needs to be protected, but i think that there are rational ways to go about it without becoming treehugging extremists and costing millions of jobs. I UNDERSTAND, AND I KNOW THAT -- regardless, i give SO MUCH of myself that it hurts me. maybe that's what makes me so depressed. i'm living a contradiction. i am not consistent with my own beliefs. post comment

[05 Nov 2009|05:45pm] lilroxybabe8188 Hey hair, when and why did you decide to turn red on me? I don't get it. post comment

[04 Nov 2009|11:27pm] x0xcherryberry [ mood | confused ] [ music | 'sympathy for the martyr' [straylight run] ] i'm not sure exactly what's going on with me, or why it is that i feel the way that i feel. i don't think i've ever felt this way before. it's like being simultaneously confident and insecure, no more mood swings -- i am simultaneously ecstatic and depressed. i can't help it; i'm completely confused. lately i have been simultaneously lonely and distant; i slept over richard's - called him to pick me up two nights in a row because i didn't want to be all alone; then i wouldn't cuddle with him. i didn't want to kiss him. i didn't want him near me, to be honest. i wish i could explain it. i wish i could go back to therapy. i'm not enrolled in school, so i don't have the school health insurance anymore. it's annoying because i need it so badly right now. i have lexapro, but i'm so confused because i'm not really feeling depressed. i wonder if it would help? it had been prescribed and then i ended up going with a different medication, so i've never used this one. but i can give it a shot, i suppose. and then i wonder - do i even need medication? i'm completely fine. i'm functioning normally; i can still fund-raise, and i've been pledging well. i have been doing just fine - sometimes exceptionally - with interacting with people, in general at least. i am so needy and afraid though. but i have at the very same time been feeling like a loner, strong and confident. i want a boyfriend to hold me and to take care of me, someone to spend time with and to talk to -- but at the exact same time i just want to be left COMPLETELY ALONE. and i've had a growing interest in women, too. none of this makes any sense. i know it. i feel so unsure of myself... some of the time, lately. godfuckingdamnit.. this is all bullshit. i just want a friend. i just don't want to be alone. i just want to have detached sex. i want passionate kisses. i don't want anyone around. i just want to relax. i want to get things done. i want to go back to school. i just want to lie under my covers. i just want to watch tv. i want to cut myself. i just want to feel something. i just want to be happy. i want to drink. i want to party. i want to travel. i just want to get away. i just want to stay home.. just a day at home. itdoesntmakeanysensebecauseimfeelingallthisatonce. i told richard that i wish i could feel something - for him, for anyone. but i don't. i told him i just want to get my heart broken, and he said, "pain isn't the only thing there is to feel." i thought about it and i'm wondering now -- is that true? did i think that? am i truly happy? am i too afraid to ever allow myself to be truly happy? i hurt today. i don't know why. i was so insecure when i saw joe on bruin walk; it was weird. we hooked up a couple of weeks ago at a frat party and went on a couple of dates. he was really sweet, really cheap but really sweet. the last time i saw him (last thursday) i was drunk and high and we had sex. afterwards he walked me home in the morning and kissed me like i'd never been kissed before. it was sort of beautiful. but then i blew him off on friday night when he wanted to hang out. i wanted to see him, too, but i'm an idiot. christian asked me if he could come over and i said yes because i felt bad, felt guilty for being over him, for never really being that into him. so i let christian come over and he was here while joe and i were texting back and forth. then i led joe to believe that i fell asleep. the truth was that i wanted to see him and i was stuck with christian. i made out with christian that night, but i didn't have sex with him. how could i? i didn't feel anything. i was drunk at the time; i just did what i wanted to do. what i wanted to do was tell him that i was just going to sleep. what i really really wanted to do was to go downstairs and meet joe and kiss him some more. i'm scared that joe doesn't like me anymore. i'm scared that it's my fault. we were supposed to eat together today, but i don't know whether he blew me off because he was getting back at me -- because he didn't care -- because it really was a misunderstanding like he said it was (he thought i meant friday because i originally said friday but then ran into him on bruinwalk and changed the plans for today)... the thing is, why do i care so much? last week when we went to lunch we talked for hours. he even missed class. he's really funny, really smart, really sweet. really cheap, but i can deal with that - it doesn't matter SO MUCH i suppose. we have some stuff in common - he's a philosophy major. i just really enjoyed his company, and now i'm afraid that i ruined everything -- and i don't know why i'm so afraid; it's not like there was much going on between us. there a hundred different men in my life, and i feel like a dirty whore.. because at the end of the day i don't really know what i want, i want it all. yOU JUSt can't RELAx anD YOU can't reLY on anyONE for ANYthing, so you MAKe your COMplaints & - oh - EVERYone's leT you dOWN. you JUST can't ever wiN. convinCed there's A war oN -- it's always everybody versUS you, conVINCEd that your critics are WATCHing -- And you've alWAYs got somethin' -- you've always got somethin' TO PROVE. post comment

I mean it. [05 Nov 2009|01:41am] leslieisad0rkus I wanna rock and roll. I wanna give my soul. I'm wanting to believe I'm not too old. Don't wanna make it up. I don't wanna let you down. I wanna fly away, but I'm stuck on the ground. So, help me decide, help me to make up, make up my mind. Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Watch it all go by... was it really true? Is that what it was? Was that really you? I'm looking back again. I'm tracing back the threads. You said it was a mess, was it just in my head? And so, help me decide, help me to make up, make up my mind. Oh, wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Something's gotta break. You gotta swing the bat. Too many years have died... why is that? And so, help me decide, help me to make up, make up my mind. Oh, wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? Wouldn't that save you? ***There's nothing that I want more than to save you, but that's not my place anymore. This is me and you on our own and I hope that you can get your life together so that you can be the best possible you, and live your every day stress-free and happy, or at least content. Maybe one day I can witness this better you, and maybe I won't, but for now I will rest assured that you're on your way to proper living and I will sleep easy knowing that you cared enough to realize what you've done wrong and fix whatever it is you need to fix so that this is left in the past and has no place in your future. You're not a horrible person, you're no where close, but I expected you to be perfect and maybe that was my fault. You were good to me and we had great times, but you can be better and those times that weren't sogreat, were really bad and unnecessary, and for that my heart is broken. It's going to take time for me to realize that these things happen and that I need to forgive you for the wrong things that you've done just as you need to forgive yourself. I just wanted nothing more than for you to save me, but that's not my place anymore. You tried and you failed unexpectantly and I understand that that's because you were occupied in yourself and I don't blame you for that... and maybe one day you will try again, but then again maybe you won't. But... I will rest assured and sleep easier knowing that I loved you as best I could and to me that proves that I am capable of letting someone in and I thank you for that; thank you for allowing me to be me and making me smile more genuine smiles in a year than I have my entire life. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, there's nothing I want more than to save myself, because that's always going to be my place. I loved you and I still do, but I've always and will always love me more. This is me on my own and I need to get my life together to be the best possible me so I can live stress free and happy... or at least content. I hope that one day I can share that me with someone, and maybe that someone will be you and maybe it won't, but overall, let's rest assured and sleep easy knowing that we tried.*** post comment

[05 Nov 2009|12:55am] lilangel629010 [ music | death cab for cutie. ] bleck. i would love to know some things. i would love to know how people work, what brings them to how they are currently. i would love to know why i'm where i am today. i would love to know what made me choose marist college over any other college, and what made me become friends with the people i became friends with as opposed to other people. i would love to know why 17 out of 25 people in my psych class said that they would abort their baby if they were a high school senior who got pregnant. i would love to know why the world sucks, and why people do bad things, and why people die for no reason. anyway, i've been in a weird funk lately. i don't know what's up with me. working out has helped, i've been getting stress out that way. i'm stressed out with school work, i'm going to australia in a few months, how weird is that? and that scares me. is everyone going to forget about me by the time i get home? will i keep in touch with matt? with mike? with nicole? with danielle and kati? bleh. is it bad that i'm going to be missing out on a semester here at marist? i feel like i have been trying so hard, and i'm so sick of it. i try so hard to mold myself into what you're looking in a girl, and i'm done with it. because i have no idea what that possibly is anymore. and i don't think you know either. i think you are an idiot. wake up and realize that if you keep pushing away anyone that tries to get close to you, you will end up alone. i am bitter. post comment

[04 Nov 2009|09:43pm] screw65hello the things you said i'm rehearsing them post comment

[04 Nov 2009|02:06pm] lilroxybabe8188 I found the next book I'm going to read. "Looking for Alaska" by John Green. I quoted it in a Tumblr a few months back and have just now decided to look it up. "Have you really read all those books in your room?" She laughed. "Oh God no. I've maybe read a third of 'em. But I'm going to read them all. I call it my Life's Library. Every summer since I was little, I've gone to garage sales and bought all the books that looked interesting. So I always have something to read. But there is so much to do: cigarettes to smoke, sex to have, swings to swing on. I'll have more time for reading when I'm old and boring." post comment

I don't want to let you go, but it hurts my hands to hold the rope... now I'm falling asleep to forget you. [04 Nov 2009|12:38am] leslieisad0rkus In the story of my life, I only get a quick taste of the good things. It's as if my smile prefers the complicatedness of being fake rather than the simplicity of being real, and my heart is no better - it's nothing but a fool. Since Mike and I broke up a week ago, for the most part, I have been okay. I have been put together, mature, and I said my piece and I meant it. A part of me holds hope and the other parts of me don't believe in anything hope stands for. Last night I actually smiled when I told him that just as he said he wanted his time and space, I'd also appreciate mine and hope that he can respect that. I smiled the most mischeivious, proud, cynical yet sad smile. I have no choice but to force him to let me go because how is he supposed to get better when all he wants to do is text me once or twice a day and how am I supposed to get better if he forces me to fall into a routine of staring at my phone waiting for that one text that I can ignore? As much as neither of us want to let go, we have to. You can't miss something if it never goes away and I don't want to suffer the callouses of waiting, wishing, hoping and holding on for dear life because bottom line, he isn't my life, I just wanted him to be part of it. I have been so vulnerable. Looking for anyone that will hold my hand and tell me that I'm not alone, but I can't shake the feeling that I am alone because when I am in my own thoughts, I think of something not worth thinking about. The only place that I have been safe is in my sleep because for those few hours, I am at peace, yet I still fear that one night where he will haunt my dreams either with all of the things that I love, or with all of the things that I hate. As much as I don't want to lose him, he's already been lost and I have always known that people always leave. Now my body has been plagued by a virus and I am stuck in my own mind for 7 days struggling with my very own immune system, forcing myself to get better and here's hoping that when I do, I'll recover to be just me. I belong to me, not to anyone else and all I want is to come out of this content with being occupied and blissfully productive. Something is bound to come together for me soon, maybe this is just step one to whatever is coming next... post comment

[03 Nov 2009|09:16pm] miss_kaserz The stars lean down to kiss you, And I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. 'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly, But I'll miss your arms around me. I'd send a postcard to you dear, 'Cause I wish you were here. I'll watch the night turn light blue. But it's not the same without you, Because it takes two to whisper quietly, The silence isn't so bad, Till I look at my hands and feel sad, 'Cause the spaces between my fingers Are right where yours fit perfectly. I'll find repose in new ways, Though I haven't slept in two days, 'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in Vanilla twilight, I'll sit on the front porch all night, Waist deep in thought because when I think of you. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel so alone. As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight. I'll think of you tonight. When violet eyes get brighter, And heavy wings grow lighter, I'll taste the sky and feel alive again. And I'll forget the world that I knew, But I swear I won't forget you, Oh if my voice could reach back through the past, I'd whisper in your ear, Oh darling I wish you were here. iloveyousomuchandimissyousobad* post comment

[03 Nov 2009|09:11pm] miss_kaserz "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle" post comment

[03 Nov 2009|12:32am] x0xcherryberry [ music | comfortably numb [pinkFLOYD] ] I am completely empty. i'm not sure what happened to me. i used to feel everything. i used to empathize with everyone. i used to understand. i used to get sad. i used to be in love. i used to have a soul, and now i think it's gone. but how am i supposed to feel? URGENT BREAKING NEWS: 6 Missing Women Found Dead in Sex Offender's Basement look at the things that happen in the world we live in, the kinds of the things that people do to each other. "Sex offender alleged pattern: invite women to 'party', strangle, rape them." how can you feel anything when you hear about these things every day? there are a hundred men in my life right now. my problem is so mundane compared to the things i watch on the news, but i just don't understand it and it bothers me -- i can't fall in love. i'm interested for a brief period of time -- not too long ago i was even able to tell someone that i loved him. and i don't even know how that feels anymore; i don't even know if it was true at the time. i miss being so completely consumed in someone that i felt like i needed that person, feeling like someone outside of me could be so important to my life. i want to fall in love, and i think i deserve to get my heart broken. i want to at least be able to get hurt. but that feeling is so distant from me now. i've gone too far. it's like there's this invisible force around my heart that makes it unreachable and unbreakable. it's like i have no heart at all. i can't force myself to care -- even if i want to so badly. =/ post comment

[02 Nov 2009|07:50pm] lilroxybabe8188 [ music | Skinny Love - Bon Iver ] I feel like it's appropriate to write this entry separate. I went to a viewing today for Marilyn, Big Daves mother. I was never super close to her but she was always at family functions. She was sweet and she hated Linda which gave us at least one thing in common haha. But she passed away a few days ago at age 69. Too young. I don't know if she wanted to die. But I think somewhere in her she lost a fight. She essentially became anorexic. She stopped eating. She drank half a cup of coffee a day and smoked cigarettes until she withered down to 85 pounds. Anyone who passes away at that weight when they are capable of eating has an eating disorder. I think we fail to see that these things don't adhere to a certain class or group. I don't feel comfortable writing her story in here. It's not my place, being so distant and all. But it just broke me today listening to her decline. Listening to how she lived her last few months, in a dark apartment with nothing but coffee and cigarettes. Sometimes people give up. She felt alone from the loss of her second husband. I guess she just wanted to be with him so bad she allowed these things to happen to her. I don't know. But it kills me that as they said she was dying and could no longer reciprocate or speak, she could cry. Dave said that when she lost all her communication skills in the last hour he was talking to her and Kari mentioned a cartoon they used to watch together all the time and tears started falling down her face. It's crazy how we think people can't hear us when they really can. It kind of gives you some sort of closure to know your words are making it through. I don't know. All of this today has been weighing on me. I think I need to meditate or something. I need to get out of my head before I wear down from it all. post comment

[02 Nov 2009|07:43pm] lilroxybabe8188 Dear lab partner, thank you for rocking so much. We just busted our lab out in 2 hours - I am SO happy. It is awesome to find my match in school. I always, always feel inferior to any person I'm paired up with because I have such little confidence in my intelligence but its not that way with Rich. Maybe because I'm applying myself to this class and feel good about it? But we just sat here and worked that lab out like we had been doing it our entire lives. He did the text while I put together the excel spreadsheet and looked up 30 diff make, models, and years of cars. Go us! I see a final class grade of a B on the horizon :) I've GOT to keep this up! I have to get a 100 on my homework assignment that is due Thursday. I have a bit of time now to clean before MNF over at Chris and Jasons. I found myself on a panicking, emotional trip this afternoon and went to call Chris. I immediately regretted it and immediately said never mind. I do not want to invest my emotions in him. I want all the control in my life I can hold on to and crying to him for the first time about my "life problems" is not going to benefit anything. So I sucked it up like a big girl and told him to forget it and I'd see him later. I have Kingston curled up next to me on the chair. He does not seem okay. He was fine all day but started moaning this horrific sound an hour ago and I questioned taking him to the vet. I decided, however, he simply had a stomach ache because I fed him wet food for the first time in his life. There's no way this dehydration is catching up to him now. I hope he's okay. post comment

[02 Nov 2009|12:50pm] lilroxybabe8188 [ music | Blindsided - Bon Iver ] I feel like I need to re-evaluate my life at the moment. Maybe because I'm heading out to a funeral in the next hour. Maybe because I'm sitting here forcing myself to eat wondering what is wrong with my body that I've had no appetite for weeks now. I don't really know. I had this conversation with Chrissy the other day that almost brought me to tears. I keep seeing this pattern of suppressed emotions. I was telling her how I found my senior letters and they just pulled me back to where I wanted to be. I used to be so passionate. Now I keep everything in my life so casual. Because thats how I think people want me to be. I'm always going to be appeasing people. Inside my mind I'm constantly fighting off surges of emotion. I find the only time these feelings escape is when I find myself longingly looking at people. I've become so detached. I suck with words. How do you get relationships so right? How did I get so twisted into this fear of honesty? I mean even the words "I like you" are impossible for me to get out when I want to. And I look at Christina and Ben and how they've grown and how she's grown as an individual because of it. It's incredible how the right person can make somebody blossom into such a beautiful person. Chrissy's always had a gold heart, but something about how she can just talk about her and Ben with such confidence and joy. It's promising. I'm handling my life appropriately right now. That's a complicated statement to make, I know. But I'm trying to balance my heart and my head in every life choice right now. With the exception of Halloween I suppose I'm not failing too badly. I just need to lay off the drinking a little haha. I don't have enough hours in the day. This week is especially seeming to be that way. I have a lot of work and I suppose thats where I should keep my focus. I think my current struggle is to keep building the relations in my life... I feel like my ties with every single person are at a standstill... and some even deteriorating with my inability to put effort into them. I don't want to see this happen. I mean, where has Dorl been? I don't mean to be the bad friend I have been to some people. Anyway - I'm going to go clean and arrange my life. I am happy to have Kingston home. I can't believe he was locked in my garage for two days. I was thinking about taking him to the vet but he's not even phased. I gave him water and food and he ate and drank a lot. More than anything he just wanted to go outside and play. As nervous as I was, his wining would not give after an hour so he's outside now with water bowls all around the house. I'm petrified he'll get dehydrated. Gooooodbyeee. post comment

[01 Nov 2009|07:19pm] xthecallingx s post comment

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