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[20 Nov 2009|06:53pm]

miss_kaserz
[almost as much as i love fishville]
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[19 Nov 2009|10:32pm]

suicidalkween
[ mood | reminiscent ]
[ music | Bright Eyes ]

The birthday is on Saturday.

26.

I've had this journal for 6 years.




How time flies ...
(some things never change.)

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[19 Nov 2009|09:47pm]

suicidalkween
It's just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong
like the ground's not mine to walk upon ...

Target Sucks. [19 Nov 2009|04:55pm]

cutstoopeneyes
[ mood | sick ]

Target as a whole doesn't suck, but this one bitch, Brenda, does. I was scheduled as a cashier Monday from 1:45pm-10:00pm. At 10:15pm, I clocked out because, as a cashier, once all the 'guests' are out of the store, the cashiers get to leave. Brenda sees me walking to the door and asks me where I'm going. I tell her I'm scheduled until 10pm and it's now 10:20pm, so I'm leaving. She says, "we're not done with everything. You have to stay." I tell her I'm scheduled AS A CASHIER until 10pm and we have people scheduled until 11pm to clean/reshop/and zone. Then she tells me, "well, a GSTL needs to tell you when you can leave." I tell her no, once all the guests are gone, the cashiers leave. She goes, "I guess I do things a little differently around here." I then tell her that I don't have a car, so my ride has been waiting outside for 20 minutes now and that I'm leaving.

Today, I was scheduled 12:15pm-8:45pm. I clocked in at 12:15pm, walked up to the front and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. I'm walking to the register and Brenda is walking to go on break. She sees me, calls my line [across 7 lanes], walks up to me and says, "you were supposed to be here at 12:15pm." I say, "I was, but, technically, we have a 5 minute lenience so I'm not late. Plus, I had to go to the bathroom to throw up because I haven't been feeling well at all today." Then she tells me which lane to go on and that I can't leave now that I'm on a lane.

Later, she asking me about how my pregnancy is going and stuff like that. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up 'cause I don't want to share any of that information with her. This is my favorite part of the day: a cashier is closing later this weekend. She asked Brenda if we leave once all the guests are out. Brenda looks at me, even though I was talking to another cashier, and says, "well, Josh and Clint let you leave once all the guests are out. I do things differently. When I close, I make sure you stay until everything's done because I'm here until 11 no matter what so you should have to stay, too." YEAH, BITCH, BUT WE AREN'T SCHEDULED UNTIL 11PM! WE'RE SCHEDULED UNTIL 10PM! There's a law against making us stay later than our scheduled time, too. I looked it up the other day.

So I go on my first 15 minute break. Brenda decided to take a 25 minute break. I walk up to Josh to see which register he wants me at. He asks me if I'm okay 'cause I look miserable and I tell him no and that I've thrown up twice since being here. Without saying another word, he gets on the walkie, calls an LOD, asks if he can send me home, and tells me to go clock out. So why did Brenda make a big deal about it earlier? This bitch has something against me and that's fine, but don't treat me like a child. I'll continue calling corporate on her and complaining about her to the LOD whom I'm going to set up an appointment with to talk to her about the last few days. Fuck this bitch.

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[19 Nov 2009|10:11am]

x0xcherryberry
[ mood | giddy ]

i feel amazing.


yesterday i hated the world. i went to work in the morning and then i was going to buy some shoes but i was really depressed and just wanted to go home, dance around maybe and do nothing. what i ended up doing was showering - crying and crying and crying in the shower - and then i got out and got dressed really pretty in a yellow and green sundress that anwar got me. then i was going to overdose on lexapro. i found out later that that probably wouldn't have killed me, but i did decide to take one of them. i felt fantastic the rest of the night, just very very drowsy. i slept over richards last night, but nothing happened between us.


for such a long time i was looking to feel something, but now that i've given up on that feeling it's like i've become, well - what pink floyd said - comfortably numb. it's okay and it's almost better than feeling. and i feel so great today.



so alone and so fantastic.



i went back to kristen, my old therapist, last night. she is amazing and i love her.



i'm going to stop drinking. i had a problem. i shouldn't do it anymore.

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[19 Nov 2009|10:33am]

lilroxybabe8188
Mom and Dad are home. And they brought me conch they caught while conching a few days ago. Jen tweeted me saying 'caught' is probably not the correct verb since conch don't technically flee from you, so what verb do I use? dove for? gathered? I mean they're not picking berries so gathered doesn't work. Oh well. I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Needless to say Tantan just woke me up from my deep slumber. (I was having a bizarre dream). Looks like we're going up there to make conch salad! I am SO excited! It is going to be so satisfying and comforting to have some Bahamian food back in the states. It feels like it's going to be so unnatural... like seeing someone I only see there, here. I have such a difficult time separating the two worlds. Even Misty has never been here. I just see her in vacation world.

Ok, time to gooo! I cannot prolong this conch wait any longer. goodbye!
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Is your radio broken? [18 Nov 2009|05:12pm]

immortalfool
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | the honorary title: untouched and intact ]

*unlock the door and see what you find
a heart filled with love you left behind,
without a second glance, a sad smile upon your lips
its more than just a shattered heart
You have left me here to fix.* ~ VL


sooooo its been awhile since the last time i was here and man all i have to say is damn do kids grow fast! lol damien is officially 4 months now and hes jsut the greatest thing to ever happen to me lol. he overall still an awesome kid. doesnt cry unless hes hungry and just smiles all the time. i love him!!! lol
But alas with the good news comes the bad, sadly. The is a possibility that Will might have cancer, we dont know for sure yet, we know that it isnt a tumor, but they havent ruled out cancer yet. I really dont know too much about cancer, just that it kills you and the only real treatment is kemo. I guess in all of this i just try to stay positive and I hope with all my heart that it isnt cancer. i think i would die if he died. well i probably wouldnt cuz i have to be here for our son, but really i dont think i would ever be the same without him. To be honest Im scared as all hell, it keeps me awake at night, and i have the worst nightmares that..... well nevermind. So far we havent gotten a call back from UCLA cuz that where the test results were sent, hopefully all goes well and the headaches hes been having will just go away. lol I dont think they will, but at least we have something that helps him through those times, cuz all the meds the doctors gave him would work for like 10 minuets and then his headaches would come back and 10X stronger. really i dont know what else to say, just talking about this makes me sooo sad.... well i guess i better get going my son needs me and I need food lol take care fellow blurty friends, and may angels lead you in lol :)

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[17 Nov 2009|09:13am]

d4nc3w1thm3
I'm moving back to Edmonton!!
Lol.
Apartment hunting on Saturday...
Job hunting... Work in progress...
Selling horse...

I wanna move now!!
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[17 Nov 2009|02:40am]

__babyletsdisco
[ mood | bored ]

well you're wasting your time if you're trying to impress me,
i waste all my time just thinking about you.
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[16 Nov 2009|04:08pm]

lilroxybabe8188
Everyone (minus Amy who is taking the picture) before the boat trip.


'Peppercorn' turned over where they hit the rock. This is where they were stranded for 2-3 hours last night.
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[16 Nov 2009|11:32am]

_lovemex0
as always, my preconceived notions only proved to be correct. what do you know. the scumbag hung out with one of the girls that are obsessed with him behind my back. though, the mood i was in last week i could have cared less. i broke up with him to his face and told him everything i thought about him and how much he sucks. i let it all out. then i left his house with all of my stuff- and told him he was dead to me. he didn't show one bit of emotion when it happened, but the minute i left he was sobbing like a child. i talked to him on the phone and he could barely muster up the strength to talk to me about what was wrong over his crying.

i don't care to talk about it anymore. it's becoming more and more amusing to me if anything how shitty my year is going. not too long ago while i was being advised for this coming semester which should be my last semester of schooling before graduating in may i was told that i'm not going to be able to graduate on time. keep in mind i've had the same person for my advisor since i began this program in fall 08. she has the nerve to tell me, "how did you manage to make it this far...?" and i replied, "well, i don't know. you're my advisor. why don't you answer that." i was so incredibly angry. she told me to be able to graduate on time i had to take a winter anatomy course as well as another anatomy course and lab in the coming semester. that is way too much of a load to handle and i don't have the time so this summer i'm going to be stuck with summer courses. and hopefully i'l have my degree by fall.

woohoo. well courtney is getting huge and it's inevitable that she is very pregnant. i'm kind of getting excited for the new babes.
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[16 Nov 2009|12:07am]

gloryxxfades
She said goodbye to the ground
She said goodbye to the ground
She said goodbye to the ground
She said goodbye to the ground
She said goodbye to the ground
And jumped
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[15 Nov 2009|11:10pm]

lilroxybabe8188
I just experienced the worst surge of emotions I've ever felt in my life. I'm still coming out of shell shock. I can't stop shaking. Everything just happened so fast. I didn't even have time to process it until I heard my moms voice and I just lost it. Everything I couldn't grasp just came pouring out in about 10 minutes worth of sobbing.

Misty called me. I don't know what I thought she was calling for. Maybe she was planning Thanksgiving break and had decided she was going to come here? That's what I was expecting. I thought she was laughing when I answered the phone and then through broken sobs she managed to tell me that our parents had gotten in a boating accident coming home from dinner and she didn't know if they were okay but that it just came over the radio to Clint that their boat sunk.

I didn't even speak at first. I couldn't function. I just started violently shaking. and I called anyone. Chris who didn't answer and then Josh. It's weird - I didn't have any "one" to call - I was just calling the most recent faces I could picture in my mind. Josh didn't know what to say and I just started panicking and then Misty called again to say that all eight of them were on the rescue boat and my mom would call me.

After I hung up with her and realized they were alive I think everything just flooded me. I literally collapsed and was screaming I was crying so hard. And then my mom called and I was just sobbing, I couldn't stop we couldn't even speak we were just crying on the phone to each other. My dad had to take the phone from her after five minutes because he was afraid one of us was going to pass out. He was okay. His head is cut up pretty badly and he needs stitches.

Mom went to shower because she was shaking. We couldn't hold a conversation so it was for the best anyway. What do you say other than I love you when you experience that fear?

I called Misty. I said I'm sorry about Peppercorn and all we could do was say we really didn't even care about the damn boat, just thank God they're all okay. And we decided we'd talk tomorrow when we were composed. And then I was crying from relief and my mom called again to tell me how she was the only one who almost didn't make it and went through how it happened and I could barely listen and she could barely speak.

Apparently Jack they hit an island dead on. The moon is barely out tonight so they couldn't see a thing. The boat flipped over on top of them all. Everyone got out but apparently my mom was stuck in the wires and she thought she was just going to drown right then. Apparently Jack went back under the boat for her, untangled her and pulled her out.

This all happened hours ago, mind you. The eight of them (Mom, Dad, Jack, Lana, Mary Day, her husband, Pete, and Amy) all climbed on top of the overturned boat and sat on top while it veryyyy slowly sank for hours just screaming into the dark hoping someone would hear them. It took 2-3 hours and fortunately someone over on Pelican Cay could hear them screaming all the way across the water. Island Marine came and rescued them. Everyone is okay. It's a miracle that nobody did die. Lana says they all should have snapped their necks when it flipped on them. I can't even imagine what that feels like. To be going full speed across the water and in one second be suffocated by a boat trapping you under the water. I just can't. even after mom sat on the phone sobbing and telling me everything that happened.

I can't function. I need to calm down. and I need to see my parents.
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[15 Nov 2009|05:45pm]
itwillneverbe
Like a sword with a double edge blade, it's gonna cut deep either way.
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[14 Nov 2009|10:16am]

lilroxybabe8188
Ohh I don't typically post from blogs but this is beautiful.

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[14 Nov 2009|01:00am]

x0xcherryberry
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | it's cool, we can just be friends [bRIGHT EYES] ]

is it sad how badly i want to die?
i feel like i'm always being taken advantage of;
i'm always making the bad decisions;
i'm always doing what i don't want to do because i'm scared
and just want to make other people happy,
even though i know that's always the wrong thing to do.
i'm scared because i'm alone,
and i'm broke.
maybe i should just get back together with...
well, i'm pathetic.




i make latenight phone calls
for sex,
because i'm an addict
and an alcoholic.

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[13 Nov 2009|12:23am]

miss_kaserz
i wish for one day i could feel what it's like to be cool. ::shrugs::
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[12 Nov 2009|11:27pm]

miss_kaserz
death from genetics?
quite possible.

hehe little science humor to spice up the ol' blurty.
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[12 Nov 2009|04:09pm]

x0xcherryberry
i'm really good at doing shit by myself.


i truly have a skill when it comes to planning things and getting things done.
but i'm ridiculously hopeless when it comes to getting other people to commit to things, relying on other people to follow through with their commitments, and trusting things to get done if im not in charge of everything.


it's hard for me to lead people in my hunger& homelessness campaign.
i always expect to be disappointed.
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[12 Nov 2009|10:39am]

x0xcherryberry
[ music | waiting all my life [rascal flatts] ]

i'm at work,
and it's weird - there's nothing for me to do.
i'm sitting here, and i have no homework.
i don't really want to read my newspaper; i'm too tired.
chas and i got to sleep at like 5am and i had to be up at 7:30 for work.
i didn't want to get up.
i didn't even shower.
i'm such a waste.
i wish i could go back to school.
nextquarternextquarternextquarter.
definitely.
i won't let ucla keep me outtt,
whether i have to do only one quarter every year or WHATEVER.
at least i took summer classes.
hah i'll probably graduate right on time.
how funny.




blahh - am i getting too excited because it's a new guy in my life and i just like having new guys?
or is there a legitimate connection between me and chas?
i guess i'll just have to figure it out.
it's terrible, though, because i feel like i'm back in high school -
afraid to tell a boy that i'm dating another boy
because i don't want to hurt his feelings.
well, what do i care?
and how do i always find myself in these situations?
i'm such a bitch,
such a dirty whore.

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