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[Tuesday
11/24/09 at 4:51pm] |
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music |
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Relient K - For the Moments i feel Faint |
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I just went to Old Navy and got a cardigan, dress pants, and those frilly heels. I'm like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality in heels, but I like to wear nice ones sometimes. They didn't have exactly what I wanted, but I have this crazy obsession with spending all the money I brought with me. And the heels looked a lot better online. My feet are so small and stubby yet so fat that no shoe ever fits right, unless they're wide. These heels definitely aren't, though. So my feet look all scrunched but they're too small for the toes to peep through the open-toe part of the shoe!
I just wanted to get in and out as quickly as I could.
I'm so agoraphobic; every time I got out in public, I get so anxious. I sweat, I hyperventilate, my chest gets tight, my heart pounds out of my chest, my hair gets frizzy, I get nauseated, and I can't breathe. but I can't be a recluse my whole life, even though that'd be nice. I never go outside when I see one of my neighbors outside because I don't want to talk to them. I'll always be living in fear, regardless of whether I go out every DAY.
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[Monday
11/30/09 at 1:37pm] |
it's because you remind me of all the things i saw in him, that i can't stop thinking about you. only you're sweeter, more graceful, the perfected version.
it was just hours, but the vision of you has been replaying in my mind for days now. i wish i can get you out because let's face it; our names don't even exist. what does exist though, is you in my memories. i wish fate would entertwine us in its books. who knows we're destined to meet up again someday.
i've never believed love at first sight. until i met you.
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[Monday
11/23/09 at 7:31pm] |
Donna came back from vacation today and she said that Mary had her baby and she was due in October, but she hasn't talked to her so she doesn't know if it's a boy or a girl. I really want to know!
Carla came around I signed up for my vacation. I still get only a week next year! I'm so disappointed; I thought I'd get two weeks. But I scheduled it for the first week in November, since my birthday is the last Friday in October. I'll take my personal day and sick day the day of and after warped tour.
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[Monday
11/23/09 at 7:22pm] |
Right now I wish I had a typewriter. Would it make my writing look more artsy? Sophisticated? Classic? I just read another's writing so similar to my own and realized that it was the typography which made it so brilliant. I'd like to dress my writing up in pretty, blotched, uneven spaces. Maybe I should handwrite more? No. I have sloppy handwriting. I think black and white makes writing so much prettier though. Maybe I'll purchase an old, shitty marble composition book.
I was going to go running this evening. But it's damp and freezing. It's pitch black and I always feel more free when I run in the dark. I'd run down Burke a little faster than any other road - just incase Noel or Jason or Chris are coincidently walking out of their house at the same time. Though they would never use the front door so this makes no sense to begin with. Unless they're walking next door to buy pot from the neighbors.
I want to make something for tonight. a dip or an appetizer of some sorts. because for some reason I've fallen into this mentality that being a little Betty crocker screams I am datable. how degrading. I think with the most absurd process sometimes. But I don't know. I started reading this book today. It's an easy-girly read. 'College Girl' by Patricia Weitz. Originally I had wanted to pick up one of the books Chris had suggested but mom was already in line, impatiently forcing me out of Barnes & Noble so she could beat the 4 oclock traffic. It looks like 'Thank you for arguing' will have to wait. Needless to say, the insecurities of the main character in 'College Girl' seem to match mine identically. The unsureness. Finishing every sentence with 'I don't know'. I mean how many times in an entry do I write this sentence? As if to downplay everything I have just said? The nerve-wracked nail biting. The inability to say anything witty or sexy because of embarrassment.
I am still extremely frustrated by the outcome of the situation with Chris. Not that he did anything. In fact, that is probably exactly what led to my insecurities to begin with. The emptiness or lack of interest. I hate thinking about people too much. When someone appeals to me they find their way into every crevice of my thinking. More and more I'm making excuses to prevent this. I keep finding the older you get the more complicated people become.
I just want someone adventurous. Intellectual, but not intimidatingly so. Available and willing to spend time with me. Musically inclined but not in a band because the older I get the more of a turn-off this becomes. Motivated. Funny. Consistently interesting.
Maybe I'll post this as an ad somewhere. Oh wait, I'm doing the whole 'me' thing. Didn't I just swear off the male population?
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[Monday
11/23/09 at 1:22pm] |
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i think i finally have a game plan...a long term goal..something to strive for, to work for, to live for. and its all for me and what i wanna do. i gotta figure this shit out....
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[Sunday
11/22/09 at 10:35pm] |
I will cherish this love for the rest of my night.
Lord have mercy on my soul.
I've had a good run but I can't run anymore.
Just put me down.
Trust me, I'm still with you somewhere. I just wish it was here.
Someday I'm bound to feel guilty but now's not the time.
I'm sure I'll get what I'm due.
Everything will be fine.
Hell bent on finding the next fix in the fog.
You're in a cab on the way to your house. Change the locks.
I will cherish this love for the rest of the night.
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[Sunday
11/22/09 at 12:57pm] |
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music |
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Guttermouth - Lipstick |
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I cannot WAIT until I can get married and afford to leave this hellhole. Patrick and I are talking about marriage, but he doesn't believe in marriage. I keep harassing him, saying that he promised to marry me, even though I don't actually love him. I just don't want to be alone. Of course I tell him I love him, though. That's a divorce waiting to happen, I know.
But my mom is a big reason I'm trying to leave. She said that we were all going to West Virginia for Thanksgiving and I don't want to see my newly married cousin and his wife because I'll get extremely jealous and I can't handle that. So I chose to go with Patrick and Stephanie to their parents' house in Durham, North Carolina. I found out on Friday that if I work the Friday after thanksgiving, I'll get time and a half for working Thursday, but I'm going out of town so I can't work then. Working that Friday is completely voluntary.
Well, my mom told me Friday that they may not actually really be going to West Virginia and might just stay here, AFTER I told Patrick I'd go with him to Durham and he said that we're leaving Wednesday morning, right after I get home from work, and we're staying until sometime on Friday. So my mom keeps badgering me about how I COULD'VE gotten more money for working the friday after thanksgiving, but when I made my decision, my choices were go out of town with Patrick or...go out of town with my parents. So either way, I wouldn't be available to work. And my parents won't let me stay home by myself for Thanksgiving. So what am I supposed to do? Hire a stunt double? Fuck!
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[Saturday
11/21/09 at 12:02pm] |
List of CDs I'm going to buy (eventually):
Third Eye Blind - Ursa Major
Atmosphere - When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint that Shit Gold
The Offspring - Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace
Paramore - Riot!
Paramore - Brand New Eyes
Good Charlotte - Good Morning Revival
Brand New - Daisy
Brand New - Deja Entendu
Thursday - War All the Time
Thursday - A City by the Light Divided
The Starting Line - Direction
Shiny Toy Guns - We Are Pilots
Rise Against - Appeal to Reason
Placebo - Without You, I'm Nothing
Bright Eyes - Digital Ash in a Digital Urn
Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
Islands - Return to the Sea
Hot Hot Heat - Make Up in the Breakdown
Hot Hot Heat - Elevator
Hollywood Undead - Swan Songs
The Faint - Wet From Birth
The Early November - For All of This
The Early November - The Mother, The Mechanic, and the Path
Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs
Dead Poetic - New Medicines
Dashboard Confessional - The Shade of Poison Trees
Atreyu - Best Of
Atreyu - Lead Sails, Paper Anchor
Armor for Sleep - Dream to Make Believe
Across Five Aprils - A Tragedy in Progress
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[Friday
11/20/09 at 3:43pm] |
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"This is the acceptance speech. The end of anger and denial. I accept that you and I will never be the same again. That while those days will live in my mind forever, they're over. I hate it. But I accept it. And I'm moving on now."
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[Friday
11/20/09 at 2:55pm] |
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately, he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.
I'm not sure if I'm happy or completely lost right now. Definitely a little lost, but aren't we all? I have no idea what I'm doing in my life, or where I'm going. And I think I'm okay with that right now. For the first time in a while, I noticed that I've changed. Maybe for the best, maybe not. But does it really matter? When we change, we can never go back.
Set your standards high and never settle for less.
Believe in yourself no matter what, but don't worry
if you stray because the most important thing is
that you've learned along the way. Take all you've
become to be all that you can be. Soar high above
the clouds, and let your dreams be set free.
Sometimes the only thing that people see is what you did.
When in fact, they should be looking at why you did it.
The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you.
What you did was unforgivable. You knew what you were doing and you knew it would hurt me, but somehow, that still didn't stop you.
My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced around inside my skull like a disoriented swarm of bees. Noisy. Now and then they stung. Must be hornets, not bees. Bees die after one sting. And the same thoughts were stinging me again and again.
I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul. My only goal is to just be. There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day, but today.
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| we will make everything wrong in the right way |
[Friday
11/20/09 at 7:42pm] |
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[Friday
11/20/09 at 12:50pm] |
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music |
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Rage Against the Machine - Renegades of Funk |
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I had no idea how many people from Virginia there are in the emoleericks community on blurty. There are four, including me: one from Virginia Beach, one from Bristol, and another (Deanna) from Richmond where I live. So Deanna and I are trying to rendezvous downtown at a concert. I know I said I'd never EVER meet up with anyone I've met online, but it's a public place so I'll have plenty of witnesses if she ends up being a he, and a serial rapist.
Speaking of rape, did anyone hear about that girl in Richmond, California who was gang raped at her high school's homecoming dance, in the dark with no security cameras and everyone either just stood there and watched, or walked away and NO ONE called for help! What the fuck is wrong with everybody?!
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[Friday
11/20/09 at 11:21am] |
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music |
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Xiu Xiu - Under Pressure |
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I don't really want to, but I'm going with Patrick and Stephanie to Durham to have Thanksgiving with their family. Matthew and his parents might come, too. It was either that, or go to Keyser, West Virginia with MY family and see my cousin and his new wife and I am NOT doing that.
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| i fuckiing love shakespeare |
[Thursday
11/19/09 at 11:05pm] |
Sonnet X
For shame! deny that thou bear'st love to any,
Who for thyself art so unprovident.
Grant, if thou wilt, thou art beloved of many,
But that thou none lovest is most evident;
For thou art so possess'd with murderous hate
That 'gainst thyself thou stick'st not to conspire.
Seeking that beauteous roof to ruinate
Which to repair should be thy chief desire.
O, change thy thought, that I may change my mind!
Shall hate be fairer lodged than gentle love?
Be, as thy presence is, gracious and kind,
Or to thyself at least kind-hearted prove:
Make thee another self, for love of me,
That beauty still may live in thine or thee.
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| amazing... |
[Thursday
11/19/09 at 11:03pm] |
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A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass
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| Sonnet II William Shakespeare |
[Thursday
11/19/09 at 11:01pm] |
When forty winters shall beseige thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now,
Will be a tatter'd weed, of small worth held:
Then being ask'd where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days,
To say, within thine own deep-sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use,
If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count and make my old excuse,'
Proving his beauty by succession thine!
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.
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[Thursday
11/19/09 at 10:48pm] |
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im crawling in my skin....i am at the edge..why...im missing out on alot...
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[Thursday
11/19/09 at 8:31pm] |
everything just feels backwards, wrong and terrible.
i hate this all....
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[Thursday
11/19/09 at 12:36pm] |
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On a Tuesday afternoon
my mom came in my room
and said get the fuck up outta bed
and get a god damned job
so I told her hey hey fuck you mom
and threw the phone at her head
but I missed and hit her in the snatch
so I slammed the door in her face
don't ever barge in my room
or I'll kick your ass and call the cops
and tell them I'm abused
and you'll wind up in jail
while I go snowboard in Vale
no one to post your bail
cause daddy loves me more
he says that you're a...
You're worthless, you're lazy, you're stupid
a little over weight
now give me 20 bucks
Mommy, you're worthless, you're lazy, you're stupid
a little over weight
now give me 20 bucks
no make it 50 bucks
Now mom writes me letters
I write return to sender
let her rot there in her cell
I watch the dogs mate on her bed
sorry mommy I had to pawn
the china silver and all your jewelry
I had to eat and rent a bunch of prostitutes
like you
Guttermouth - Lipstick
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[Thursday
11/19/09 at 11:07am] |
This week at work has actually been FUN. The airbelt isn't overwhelming at all; in fact, we all stand around and talk for several minutes at a time, doing nothing but waiting for packages. We talk about any and everything, really: baseball, tattoos, piercings, etc.
And the best part of it is, Mike Matthews finally retired! Adam told Gail and I today, but he told Gail something he didn't tell me: that he drove around doing donuts on someone's yard in the truck yesterday and didn't fix it so they made him "retire" two days early. Don said that he thought Mike's last day was tomorrow, but yesterday was. I think he ruined someone's yard on purpose so he could retire sooner. I don't know why he waited THIS long, because he hates everybody and everybody hates him. He complains and bitches about everything. When Don talked to him about retiring, all he did was grunt in response. So TL, Don, Gail, and I all talked about how much we hate him and how glad we are that he's gone. Really, most of what we did today was stand around and talk. It was so light; I had maybe 450 pieces as opposed to over 800 on the boxline. It's going to be really hard to go back after Christmas. Even yesterday, which was the heaviest day of the week by far, was no match for the volume on the boxlines.
On my way home, I saw my mom getting out of her car at her work, so I pulled into the parking lot and talked to her. My dad's still sick so I made him some tea and he might go to the doctor's office so I'll drive him there, if my mom's not home by then. This week has gone by really fast. I don't know if it's because the airbelt is a cakewalk or because I've slept through most of the week, or a combination of both, but next week is Thanksgiving already and it's only a three-day week!
Oh yeah! I also saw Theresa today; she was leaving and I was coming to work, and she asked if Mary had her baby yet and I said I don't know, because I haven't talked to anyone who knows. She asked me like I knew and she didn't and she's out of the loop, but I guess we both are. Most of the people we all knew were from the airbelt and they either quit or are on a different shift. Donna might know but she's on vacation this week.
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