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[24 Mar 2003|11:04am]
Orange info
Your Heart is Orange


What Color is Your Heart?
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awww orange!


woodchuck
YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret?
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wowee... im at an all time low

innocent kiss
innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it
that way


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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arent they cute!?!?
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Damn EMO moods! [05 Mar 2003|08:16pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | All-american rejects- one more sad song ]

damnit! i hate crying! I have been doing it so much lately... oh no here they come again! no... must not cry. Yeah. I don't know hwy I have been so fucking depressed lately, but it's driving me crazy! I seriously need some pills! Or a very good shrink! When I can drive, maybe I'll consider seeing one. I am so upset. I never feel good enough, nothing is how it should be. I have all these dreams in my head, and they are never met. and this whole group a/b thing is really pissing me off! they are so annoying! and I hate how i lost lindsay out of all this. and I have not talked to anyone lately. It sux so bad. I feel like even more of a loser now... well, cuz no has talked to me! fuck, this is so lame! I hate myself! yay for me! I wish I could curl up in a corner and die. yeah. fun stuff there...

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For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice.... [05 Mar 2003|04:08pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Dashboard Confessional-For You to Notice ]

Today was one of the best school days so far... we finished testing before 1st period was even over, so we played blackjack and "pens" (we didnt have spoons), and then watched final destination... good movie! and then in Elder's, we got to watch a movie (for once!)... and then I got to leave @ 1:30 for no reason... awesomeness! oh yeah... and theres this guy that supposedly likes me, and they were gonna tell him i was a lesbian... that's ok... I'd rather not have that rumor floating around! yeah... so... iI don't really have a life to update u on... oh yeah! I'm getting tan... crazy! I want that heart thingy to come out... that would be coolio! yeah...I want my new glasses! I hope they look okay!... I want to learn all that HTML crap too! lots of ppl's diaries are really cool... mine's so boring! If anyone reads this thing (and I don't know why you would) and knows how to do it... please tell me! yeah... so later ppls!

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[04 Mar 2003|08:49pm]
[ mood | confused ]

heh, i just went to tj maxx... got a bikini... i need to get in shape for summer... i wanna look good!!! yeah, that stores not so bad... kinda funny... but cheap stuff... thats all i want! but yeah...

I was talking to joey, and he said something about have i talked to lindsay recently... i said no (that being the truth)... he asked why. I said, I don't know. It's been weird. He said why again. I don't know... (don't u hate it when u can't explain your feelings!) but, it really hasa been weird. then he told me i should have called her when they broke up. I did (she didnt have time for me)... call back he says... i did... busy... then he asked why i don't IM her or call anymore... ok... If she really wanted to talk to me THAT bad, she would have talked to me when we were together for 5 hours, right? I mean, I guess it really doesn't matter, and I don't want to get all worked up over this, but it's true. Instead of completely ignoring me, she could have came over and said "Is something wrong?"... or "why haven't you been talking to me lately?"... ya know? I don't think she should have had joey tell me either. She could have just said something. and I hate feeling like this, cuz I love Lindsay to death, but as of now, I don't know where I stand in her list of friends... and if she really wanted to talk, she could have called me back when is was convinient(sp?) for her... Everyone knows I have no life and am always at home.... She could have called! but oh well..... sigh... life is such a bitch!

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test thingy [04 Mar 2003|04:27pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | teen idols-peanut butter girl ]

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:High
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:High
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:High
Dependent:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Click Here To Take The Test --




yeah... don't think those results are very good.... sigh

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Peanut butter and bananas [04 Mar 2003|03:58pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | taking back sunday- your own disaster ]

yum yum! well today we had the exit exams... yuck... and then in spanish i had to present that stupid poster... ahh it sucked... oh! tim walked with me to spanish... and he told ms mcgill that she needs to be really nice to me... and i f i go and cry to him, that she'll be in trouble... then she asked me if he was my b/f or my brother or something... i guess u had to be there... I wanna go to the tbs concert... i wanna go to lots of concerts.... yeah... i dont have much to say as of right now... im enjoying my sandwich right now... yummmmmmmy!

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Procrastinating [03 Mar 2003|07:33pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | descendents-kabuki girl ]

Yes, that is what I am doing. I have a stupid spanish project due tomorrow. Its not even close to done, and I still have to memorize all 30 stupid sentences! I'll make a cheat sheet. Ohfuckl! I have math too... shit... oh well. and those stupid exit exams! damnit! I hate school! 2 years left! I need a job! I think I'll try for Planet Tan or that Little Party Animals or whatever... I need money!

I have been thinking... and if my "friends" don't want to talk to me, then I don't want to talk to them either! I mean, why would I want to waste my time on people who don't even care? Yeah... so screw them if they have a problem... I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING! I don't understad why I am getting blamed for this! They are so stupid sometimes. I wish I had someone to talk to!

Oh yeah! and another thing! I need a dress for soph hop... and a date. I am going to go have a good time. I don't care if I don't have a date... I need something to attempt to make me happy. and Sara said she might know somebody that would go with me. and lucky her... she has like tons of options for a guy. Oh well... note to self: save more money! i need a dress and shoes... I'll just wear the dress again on the cruise or something! so then its not a waste...

music... I don't get why it matters so much about what you listen to. I hate stereotypes! I mean... Who cares if u like emo and punk? Why should that even matter? I mean, people have a right to listen to whatever they like... and u shouldnt judge people by what music they listen to either.... and punk... why should u have to dress all junky? i mean, u shouldnt care... but u shouldnt have to spend lots of money to dress punk right? like u should not have to spend $50 on a pair of pants to be "punk".... and i dont get it... lots of people that are punk, say they are being totally different, and not conforming to the norm or whatever... but u ever notice how they all have the same studded leather jacket, with the one painted sleeve and bands written all over it? its pretty much the same to me... maybe the paint color is different... but hey... maybe i'm wrong... maybe my ideas all wrong... but hey, these are MY thoughts! so yeah

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[03 Mar 2003|05:15pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I just came back form the optometrist... my eyes are dialated... pretty funny lookin. My eyes got worse! I was only seeing 20/30 W/contacts! crazy... oh i got these really cute black glasses with studs... awww. i hope they look good! And according to one of my friends, everyone hates me. I was neglected on purpose. He said it hould be hard for her to see me, cuz supposedly this is all my fault! (like it wasnt hard for me to see her with him!) fuck people! and not in that happy nice way either. people are horrible. sheesh. awww, but at lunch tim was nice and gave me a hug, and he said he was gonna marry me cuz I have a lisp. LOL... he said it's "super cute" (said with a lisp)... hehe luch is fun... I feel bad though, cuz I haven't talked to Nicole in forever. Stupid plays. Now I know what it's like on the other side. it sux! a lot. yeah. So it feels like i have lost two of my best friends. and hey, they were my only best friends. so now I have none. I guess I'll have to find new ones. This is gonna be tough, cuz I have a hard time making new friends... ok well g2g... later!

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[02 Mar 2003|12:03pm]
oh, but the good thing about yesterday: we wnt to walmart, and they had a distillers cd! so we played it on all those music preview things and danced in the aisle. it was fun. oh and there's this really cute yellow and pink plaid bikini!
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Neglect [02 Mar 2003|11:50am]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | none ]

Yesterday, I went to this guy's house, with all my "friends"... As of now I don't quite know if they can actually be called friends, because, well, they didnt talk to me except when they were giving random insults. Aww... isn't that nice? And this girl, supposedly my best friend, goes out with my ex-b/f 5 days after we broke up. They break up, and she tells him he can't go out w/anyone for atleast a month after they broke up. How come he can't go out with anyone for a month when she breaks up with him, but its ok to go out with him after 5 days??? I really don't get it. and she doesn't talk to me anymore... i have no idea why... So now i have been officially put in subgroup B. Lucky me! People Suck! they really do! and then the only person who did talk to me from subgroup A, asked me what's wrong... like I really wanted to tell him. oy... I got like, 15 hours of sleep last nite. It was nice. I think I'm getting sick. It would only make sense, considering I never get that much sleep. I wish I could just stay home for the rest of my life, and avoid all other human contact! I'm going to go tanning today! I won't be super white this summer! and I'm going to start eating just a tad healthier, well, cuz, I want to look good in a swimsuit! yup yup. Its crazy how things in life work. Like the people you least expect to be your friends, are actually the only ones you can trust... well, kinda. But like, I htought I would get along better with the other people (group A) than group B, but htings have changed so much. and the crazy tthing is, that I am going to be the only one in group B because, well 2 of them already have g/f's, and the other one is going to ask out this chick on Monday. Damn, I'm going to be the only loser! sigh... my life sucks!

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Neglect [02 Mar 2003|11:50am]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | none ]

Yesterday, I went to this guy's house, with all my "friends"... As of now I don't quite know if they can actually be called friends, because, well, they didnt talk to me except when they were giving random insults. Aww... isn't that nice? And this girl, supposedly my best friend, goes out with my ex-b/f 5 days after we broke up. They break up, and she tells him he can't go out w/anyone for atleast a month after they broke up. How come he can't go out with anyone for a month when she breaks up with him, but its ok to go out with him after 5 days??? I really don't get it. and she doesn't talk to me anymore... i have no idea why... So now i have been officially put in subgroup B. Lucky me! People Suck! they really do! and then the only person who did talk to me from subgroup A, asked me what's wrong... like I really wanted to tell him. oy... I got like, 15 hours of sleep last nite. It was nice. I think I'm getting sick. It would only make sense, considering I never get that much sleep. I wish I could just stay home for the rest of my life, and avoid all other human contact! I'm going to go tanning today! I won't be super white this summer! and I'm going to start eating just a tad healthier, well, cuz, I want to look good in a swimsuit! yup yup. Its crazy how things in life work. Like the people you least expect to be your friends, are actually the only ones you can trust... well, kinda. But like, I htought I would get along better with the other people (group A) than group B, but htings have changed so much. and the crazy tthing is, that I am going to be the only one in group B because, well 2 of them already have g/f's, and the other one is going to ask out this chick on Monday. Damn, I'm going to be the only loser! sigh... my life sucks!

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[28 Feb 2003|03:58pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | taking back sunday ]

Sigh... Today was pretty good. I hung out with people(new people that is) at lunch... pretty funny... and then I ditched this morning and went to Dennys. Fun Stuff!.. but my stupid computer is being a tard, so im not talking to anybody right now. anyways, damn this girl. She makes me feel so insecure. I feel so inferior to her. I have no reason to, but I do. I mean, like all the guys like her, and she has so many friends. When i meet someone new, i am usuall always known as "her cousin". And everyone loves her. I feel just pushed aside. I am not important. Like, today, Drew saw her and waited, and she gave him a hug and i was just kinda left back behind them as they walked. and tim, I don't know how she got him that fast, but they're always together now. He always puts his arm around her, and theyre always holding hands. It makes me sick! GOD i wish i had a boyfriend. I really need the support right now. Im sick of always being last. I hate not being the cute, skinny, pretty, talkative one that everyone likes. I hate it so much! Aaron came up to her and was like, Aaron loves her, can Aaron go with the her?and then i dont even get a good bye. Maybe I'm just over-reacting. but I feel like shit when I'm with her because she gets all the attention. Stupid whore! i hate her so much! i am so jealous. i'll admit it! i am extremely jealous of her. She can get anyguy she wants, and she can make friends sooo easy. And she's so pretty, and I am not. I wish I could just go away from her, and get my own little world away from her. Everything is connected to her. Everything in my life has some tie in with her. Sheesh.

And I think I realized why this other girl makes me mad. I think I had finally started to establish myself, like with my bands, and my music. And then she goes and starts buying cds of the bands I like, and she wants to buy guitar too. Same with some other chick. Like Alkaline Trio, and the Ataris, and stuff like that. and when she became a cheerleader, and then wanted to do karate, and photography, and acting... I think I had started to establish my life, and I was starting to realize who I was, and then they go and start doing the things I like, and it feels like they are taking the only things I have to keep myself from being the same as them. I don't know what to do! I am soooo lost and confused right now.

And guys! They drive me crazy. Joey and Lindsay broke up, and I do still like him I guess. but I couldnt do that because it killed me to hear they were dating, and I know that Lindsay liked him a lot, and so I wouldnt want to do what she did to me back to her. See, I'm not for the whole revenge thing. I know it hurts, and I dont want to hurt her. And then Tim, I like him, but obviously have NO chance, cuz of her. and there's this guy that is cute, and we like the same stuff, but I dunno... don't think I could do that to his friend, and its kinda weird. There's this other guy, I could talk to him forever! He is so awesome! but I'm not into him like that! There are plenty of hot guys at DV, but I would kinda hafta learn to talk to them. and then they would have to like me back. Sooooo much trouble all for guys.

I hate the way I have been feeling. I am so down. I am rarely ever happy. The band practice took my mind off things because, well, the guys are soooo GORGEOUS! and they play awesome music. I could lose myself in music. I would only need my music. I wish I could listen to it forever. Anything that I like. but anyways, I am so depressed. It's horrid. I wish I could just fall off the face of the earth! I wish this all would just end. I want to be happy again, but its so hard. Sigh....... Enough brain spilling. My eyes are starting to sting... Later

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Newbie [26 Feb 2003|07:56pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | citizen fish- social insecurity ]

I am a newbie. I am so confused. just goin w/the pre-,ade stuff cuz i know nothin about HTML stuff. yeah. i should be blonde. welll i don't want to write cuz i just wrote, and then decided to change my diary. oh well... later y'all!

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