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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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taking back sunday |
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Sigh... Today was pretty good. I hung out with people(new people that is) at lunch... pretty funny... and then I ditched this morning and went to Dennys. Fun Stuff!.. but my stupid computer is being a tard, so im not talking to anybody right now. anyways, damn this girl. She makes me feel so insecure. I feel so inferior to her. I have no reason to, but I do. I mean, like all the guys like her, and she has so many friends. When i meet someone new, i am usuall always known as "her cousin". And everyone loves her. I feel just pushed aside. I am not important. Like, today, Drew saw her and waited, and she gave him a hug and i was just kinda left back behind them as they walked. and tim, I don't know how she got him that fast, but they're always together now. He always puts his arm around her, and theyre always holding hands. It makes me sick! GOD i wish i had a boyfriend. I really need the support right now. Im sick of always being last. I hate not being the cute, skinny, pretty, talkative one that everyone likes. I hate it so much! Aaron came up to her and was like, Aaron loves her, can Aaron go with the her?and then i dont even get a good bye. Maybe I'm just over-reacting. but I feel like shit when I'm with her because she gets all the attention. Stupid whore! i hate her so much! i am so jealous. i'll admit it! i am extremely jealous of her. She can get anyguy she wants, and she can make friends sooo easy. And she's so pretty, and I am not. I wish I could just go away from her, and get my own little world away from her. Everything is connected to her. Everything in my life has some tie in with her. Sheesh.
And I think I realized why this other girl makes me mad. I think I had finally started to establish myself, like with my bands, and my music. And then she goes and starts buying cds of the bands I like, and she wants to buy guitar too. Same with some other chick. Like Alkaline Trio, and the Ataris, and stuff like that. and when she became a cheerleader, and then wanted to do karate, and photography, and acting... I think I had started to establish my life, and I was starting to realize who I was, and then they go and start doing the things I like, and it feels like they are taking the only things I have to keep myself from being the same as them. I don't know what to do! I am soooo lost and confused right now.
And guys! They drive me crazy. Joey and Lindsay broke up, and I do still like him I guess. but I couldnt do that because it killed me to hear they were dating, and I know that Lindsay liked him a lot, and so I wouldnt want to do what she did to me back to her. See, I'm not for the whole revenge thing. I know it hurts, and I dont want to hurt her. And then Tim, I like him, but obviously have NO chance, cuz of her. and there's this guy that is cute, and we like the same stuff, but I dunno... don't think I could do that to his friend, and its kinda weird. There's this other guy, I could talk to him forever! He is so awesome! but I'm not into him like that! There are plenty of hot guys at DV, but I would kinda hafta learn to talk to them. and then they would have to like me back. Sooooo much trouble all for guys.
I hate the way I have been feeling. I am so down. I am rarely ever happy. The band practice took my mind off things because, well, the guys are soooo GORGEOUS! and they play awesome music. I could lose myself in music. I would only need my music. I wish I could listen to it forever. Anything that I like. but anyways, I am so depressed. It's horrid. I wish I could just fall off the face of the earth! I wish this all would just end. I want to be happy again, but its so hard. Sigh....... Enough brain spilling. My eyes are starting to sting... Later
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