Blurty for Keturah.

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Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Time:10:13 am.
So I came to write about what is on my mind and was looking at the last journal entry that I wrote and it pretty much says everything that I was going to say. Humph...I guess I am still in this place of longing. I still want to be wanted by someone (shawn) more than other things. I guess I am not interesting enough and that hurts. I don't know what else to do. I need help. I need to be more captivating. I am so scared. I just have been keeping quiet lately, even if there are things on my mind that need to be said. I just figure it's better left unsaid than to start something that goes no where. Plus I hate the self-pity that comes with everything that makes me feel bad. Why say anything if it doesn't end up changing the circumstances? Blah. I am sorry Lord. I know you are here and I know that you are listening. I have been wondering if I am on the right path with you as well. I know that you love me and are so close but I sometimes wonder if I just can't hear your voice. What is it like and what is it saying? I know that I let fear come into my life way too much. I need to walk in faith and not in fear. You are glorious and the one sure thing in my life that has never failed me or let me down. Help me to cling to you like I have never done before. I feel so weird. What is wrong with me? I have everything I could ever want or need...maybe that is the problem. Yesterday the pastor said that if you can explain everything in your life by human terms then you need to be growing some more. I think I need to be growing some more. Lord please help me, I need you. I feel like I am in this pit and there is no where to go. If my lips would just speak your truth in love. Help me to not be silent but to speak up and to truly declare what I feel in love. Please be with me.
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Thursday, May 7th, 2009

Time:11:25 pm.
so my mind is full and my stomach is empty, according to Charlottes web that is not a good state to be in. I am 23 and I feel like my dreams that lie deep in my heart may never be fulfilled. Why do we have to get older and grow up? Why do I settle for less? I want so much but am held back by adultness, and responsibility and what "makes sense". How do I escape this trap of thinking that I have to be a certain way now that I am older? Why? Why can't i go after my dreams full force not looking back? Is it because of decision I have made that have directed my life to this place? I want someone near someone who will want to be near. Why haven't I found that? I want someone to talk to and someone to talk back. My heart hurts. I feel so helpless and defeated. Maybe I deserve all this because I wasn't always listening and obeying. Am I not interesting enough or good enough, do I not captivate like I should? I don't understand. I guess I am sometimes quite terrible. Please God help me to stop pitying myself and to stop this foolishness. I have it good and I am acting like I deserve better...I don't deserve anything. And I need to be thankful for what I do have. I am sorry God, please help me to be content with where I am at right now.
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Thursday, December 11th, 2008

Subject:2 Peter 1:3-11
Time:10:57 am.
God has called us to himself. His divine power has given us everything that we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him. What a remarkable thought that we have everything we need. Our God is so good to us, not only calling us to him but also preparing us in every way imaginable. He does all of this so that we may escape the corruption of the world. We are to make every effort to add to our faith goodness. Let's think about goodness...what does it mean? If I was to think of goodness I would like of eating chocolate after not being able to eat it for a month. What a good taste and
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

Subject:thank you
Time:12:08 am.
i had shawn pray for me and i feel much better. thank you Jesus for all you do for me. you are so worthy and i worship and praise you! my glorious lord. i praise you.
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Monday, December 1st, 2008

Subject:december 1st, 2008
Time:10:46 pm.
My heart is sad right now. I know it is hard to learn from other peoples mistakes, we tend to want to learn them all on our own. Why is this? Why can't we just take their word that it will SUCK big time? I guess what I have to do is just trust some people into the hands of God, there is nothing I can do or say that will change the mind of some truly is the grace of God. So I plead and beg and pray that God would pour out his grace. Lord may it pour forth for those who need to know you. I just want to get out of this complacent state.

Why have I been so condemned lately? I feel so bad for moving to TX but only because my family has been giving me such a hard time. What is wrong with me?

If God needs me to be low in order to use me then use me now because I feel so low. I want to be a vessel that God can use, someone who is selfless and willing to be poured out like a drink offering. I know that pride and my self trust holds me back from all of this. So God help me. I feel so desperate for you to come and reveal yourself to me and others around me. I feel like I have just been sitting around, not doing just saying. I want to be a person of action. Why am I still in this place then? What will it take to move me? Am I using other things as an excuse. Is it too late for me? Are these just lies that Satan wants me to believe?

I know this might be silly and somewhat immature but please I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this stuff.
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

Time:10:59 pm.
I don't want to be hopeless. i know that God is faithful and does everything for a reason. Lord help me to trust in your sovereignty. I love you so much! sorry for any wasted time. i really enjoyed my sabbath though! Good night!
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Subject:Prepare me
Time:8:11 am.
Lord, I need your preparation, which I know you are already placing in the works. I want to know you more, to be closer to your heart. I ask for more knowledge and more insight to understand the plans that you have. I want to be able to think bigger and not have such a narrow mindset of what you can do and what you are doing, even through me. I want to be clothed in humility. I want to help the poor, give me the courage and the desire to do these things that are so pressed upon your heart. I just want to say that my mind or the way of thinking all my life has been to small, too narrow. What do you suppose I do about this? I mean I could make myself try to think bigger but I just don't know how, so God I do ask that you would help me to increase in my thinking. You are the biggest and the best and I am YOUR child. Why would I think any different?

Lord I repent of relying on myself, for living for myself and not for you and for your glory. I repent of having a narrow mind set. I repent for not trusting in you. I repent for not heeding your voice. Please forgive me and help me to begin to trust fully in you. Please forgive me of my complacency and for my apathy. I want to rise above that but I know it will only happen by your grace and mercy. So Lord I ask for you GRACE and MERCY!!! You are so worthy and I am honored to be your child.

I am an empty vessel willing to be used by you. Bring humility!
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Sunday, May 11th, 2008

Subject:I AM ENGAGED!!
Time:7:11 am.
God I can hardly believe you wonderful gifts for my life. I just feel like I don't deserve any of it. I am awake now at 7 in the morning because I am overwhelmed by your goodness in my life. You have given me such a man of God who desires to please you and who loves me more that I could have ever thought. I want to give you all the glory and all of the honor for the things that happen in my life. You are so worthy Lord, I could never say it enough. I pray that anxiety would go and I would rest in you for all the planning stuff and ect.

Little children dancing
flowers blossoming
kites flying
my heart screams this joy
full of wonder
full of grace
I know it's my Lord
He's all I got
Oh the love filled heart
of all the things that were said
kept in a box
for you to read
it's a love letter
if you didn't know
i wrote it for you
and my heart sang

Overwhelming feelings of love for my God are rushing in right now.
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Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Subject:going home
Time:8:48 am.
I am going home and the excitement that is in my heart can't be expressed with words. I can't wait to see my family to be with them and hear them and laugh with them. It is going to be a surprise which is so hard for me because I just want to scream...I AM COMING HOME!!!!
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Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Subject:think of something else
Time:12:08 am.
I know I have been rather selfish lately. What does selfishness even look like? I could possibly look like I am being selfless by doing this and that for this person, but really it's selfishness or is it not? I could be lying about my willingness to help? Lord I know that you know my heart and I pray that you would uproot the selfishness of my heart.

I really want to be an intercessor and you have known this for such a long time God. You know that my heart longs to be aligned with yours, but I don't want it to be for selfish gain or for my benefit. This is a hard thing to accomplish but I know that you will work this in my heart. God may i bless you with my life. I don't want to be a hinderence to what you are doing. Please use me and let me be guided by you.

I pray for for the silent and I ask that you would use your wisdom and creativity to do the work that you know needs to be done. I pray for Julie, Rachel, and Kenny and I ask for strength and diligence in what you have called them to do. I pray that you would give them more and more creative ideas and more passion for what you want them to do. I pray that their ears will be open to what you have to say. I know that awesome things are happening Lord and I am so thankful to be apart of what you are doing. Please help me to be guided by you as well. I pray for the children and I ask that you would cover them with your love and you protection and I ask that you peace would flood over them. God bring your comfort to them in a way only you could do. I pray that people would be raised up to stand behind this cause for you. I pray for the rescue and relief and I ask that you would be with the people who are doing this and I ask that you would bring your strength to them and your guidance. Lord thank you so much for the opportunity that you have given for the silent, just with the burn and the city of tyler. We truly are blessed and we are so thankful. Lord download the plan you have for us, we want to be guided by you and you alone. Not by selfishness but by your spirit.

You are so worthy Lord and I am so thankful for all that you do. Be blessed.

Lord I pray for my Grandma and I ask that you would be with her and allowing her to know that you are there for her and that you have everything under control. bless her in these last days. I pray that you would so her more of you (even though she will be with you soon). God I ask that you would keep her pain free. you have blessed her with no pain and I am so thankful for this. I pray that in these last days you would bring my mother and Grandma connect and put away their differences and make up for the past years that would wasted. i pray that my mother could see my Grandma's wisdom and that my Grandma would see my mothers heart to love and be loved. i just ask that your hand would be in it all. Lord teach my Grandma as she is here I am sure she is just soaking you up.

Lord I pray for Stef and I ask that you would bless her. I ask that you would give her strength as she is going through a very stressful time. I pray that you would show Jordan where he needs to step up and be the provider that she married. Lord thank you for her heart, but I pray that she will realize that she does not have to be walked over. Give her strength and put people in her life that can truly guide her and impart wisdom to her. Lord I ask that you would heal her and allow her to rely on you.

Lord I pray for the people at my work and I ask that you would save them. Please use me. I guess specifically for Alana, Mindy, Pedro, Jennifer, Tami...mainly these people. Lord i know you have so many plans for these people and if they would just grab a hold of you then things would be ok. I know my motive is totally pure. I guess sometimes I want people to come to know you just so I feel good about myself, like I am doing something for the Lord. Please change my heart and make me pure in this area. I want to want these people to come to you purely because that is what they need, no selfish gain. I know that you will answer this because you desire my heart to be like this. i am sure you will test me in this area I hope that I can pass the test. Regardless of all this I pray that you would speak to all of the people at my work and draw them to you. I pray that they will come to the end of themselves and realize that they NEED you!!!!!

God you are so good and I am so thankful for your goodness. Please give me your heart. I want to want you purely not for any other motive. I love you God and I want you more and more in my life.
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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Subject:i am loved
Time:10:43 pm.
i can hardly being to address the emotions i have felt over the last few days. i would like to find the words to say but they would do no justice. feel what i went through...i would say like fire and water all in one. i know my heart is being stretched in ways that are unknown to me and for all of this I am so thankful. i am eager to see all that the lord has instore for not only myself but in those around me.

i wish very badly to escape this place and travel to what is know as comfort to me. a small town called gettysburg. (what needs to happen to make this for real?) i know that when i do venture home my heart will rejoice aloud, not silently like most peoples but will resound like thunder. i've never been so homesick before. i never knew my heart would break so early in my life. i am only 23 and my heart is broken for the loves of my life. i need them near. i need to see them. i need to feel them. i need them. God is there anyway we could meet and lay eyes are one another. my arm feels like it's missing can you please put it back on, i really need it.

i will be on the train to head back to my loves someday and until that day hope will see me through and i will find the strength i know only God can offer. my heart cries for you tonight. when it hurts so bad but you can do anything about it...what do you do? can i cry the pain away? can i laugh the pain away? please come and help me.

a journey lord, i know this is what you have me on and i am thankful for the tools and lessons i will learn from it all. but i will say none of this is easy. giving up would be the easy thing to do, but i don't like easy (you know that). God i do pray for your comfort because without it i am left helpless and so homesick i can barely stand it. going through each day is so hard. i need to see my family please GOd please.

what can i do and what can i say, there has to be something. the desperation is so strong i can barely stand it. what do you do about it? do you think of the good things that bring joy.

i know all good things come from God.
He is the author and perfector of our faith.
i know that that is what he is doing in my life.
why so much pain then?
i guess the pain is a good thing because without it
...i would be stuck here forever

i trust you God with my whole heart and i will be here if you want me to be.
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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008

Subject:heart and soul
Time:12:24 am.
will the lips of the willing speak forth
and the heart of the hurting take what's rightfully there's?
my beating heart lingers here
unaware of what the trials may bring
in hopes that goodness and grace be found
here in this place
sobering thoughts help me through each day
and i am left only to trust You
my pockets are empty
and my ideas are drained
my thoughts are tired
and i am vexed
so please find me here
in this place of vulnerability
take what's not good
and burn it
take what is good
and use it

i am in need of your comfort
if another day is seen
i may not make it
but if you are close
my strength will be found by you
bring your strength lord
i am struggling

...for the silent
the water of hope
and the seeds of change
may it birth forth fruit
that flows it's roots beneath the soil
digging deep
so that ground may be gained
show this passion
that will bread the passion
we know must take place
and speak out with freedom
to ring in the souls
and echo the sounds of the hurting
through the words spoken
healing will take place
and the earth will be changed.

I know that God is leading me to some place and I really am not one hundred percent sure what that looks like. But I am believing and I know that God is preparing me for something. Though the hard times are here I know that God is always for me and never against me. He does things for my benefit even if it hurts. God help me to trust in you more. You are so beautiful to me and I adore you with all my heart. I pray that you would keep me selfless and direct my mind to Godly things and to things that burden your heart. Be blessed Lord, please be Blessed. I adore you. God show me so much more of you. May my heart become like your heart.
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Thursday, September 13th, 2007

Subject:Finding my way
Time:2:18 pm.
Do you ever have those moments when you are disgusted with yourself? When you just want to do something so original just because you feel so blended? That's how I feel right now. I wish so badly that I could be happy with who God has made me to be. I look at other people and wonder how they got so GREAT! In the bible it says to do everything without complaining or arguing. I am trying so hard. God I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made since I have been down here. Sorry for being lazy. I really do need your guidance. More than I could ever ever say. I hope that you are listening. I want to find out who I am in you, not in myself, not in what I do, not in the people around me. Help me to be more assertive. I sometimes get so scared that people are going to like me that I hide myself from everyone. I have been in TX for almost a month now and haven't made one friend. God I know I've been asking a lot lately but please I am asking you for some friends. Help me to find out how I am first.

"He (God) always looks out for what He know is in our best interest. What may look like a disappointment to us will always turn out for out good if we do not lose faith. God is love; there is no selfishness or evil in Him." I've been reading The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. Great book. I know that I have to have faith that God is taking care of me. God if there is something that is inside of me that I am unaware of that brings these insecurities to the surface then please show me. I need you God. If these hard times are here to show me something then I am willing to endure them. I am so sick of being jealous of people and unsatisfied with the person you have made me to be. You have created greatness inside of me and I cannot deny that.

My heart bears burdens
That are not its own
And so grows weaker still
If I could truly see what He sees
Would I be different?
Oh hopes are high here
As my vulnerability grows
Please don't let me down
Hope deferred makes the heart sick

God wow can you believe I am even in this place I feel like such a baby talking to you like this. Shouldn't I be finished with this foolish talk, yet here I am and my mouth putters forth. Aw what to do with me? I know you are a God of patients and grace and I ask that you would show that to me today. Oh to be wiser and stronger means hard times and struggles, which it seems I've failed them all. Give me another chance and another chance. Take away my selfishness. I can hardly believe how selfish I really am. Please I don't want to be like this any more. Help me Lord. Maybe it just takes me a lot longer to get things through my head. I think I am just trying to rely on myself and not you. I am sorry God. You are most holy.
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Thursday, August 23rd, 2007

Subject:I am in TX right now
Time:1:54 pm.
I have been in TX for approximately 3 days. I wish I could say that I am enjoying my time here but I'm not. I feel like I am all alone in this big place. Shawn is here but he is in school and at work, I don't get to see him much. I keep asking myself why am I here? but no answer comes to mind. I am sure that there is a big reason, but I just don't know what it is right now. I haven't had such a good day because I realized that I left too many clothes at home, which has left me with little to no clothes to where here. I suck. I was going to meet with Shawn for lunch, but I accidentally fell asleep and had a late start. I wasn't able to eat lunch with him. I also got lost and when I got lost my phone fell under the seat and I was unable to reach it. I am at UTT library now and I really should leave but I had park so far away and Shawn's laptop is so very heavy. I really would love to go home right now. Just jump in my car and head to my parents house. Maybe this will all get easier with time. I can only hope so. I am going job shopping today. I hope I find a place. Well I am asking for God's help and protection. And his strength to see me through.
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Tuesday, May 30th, 2006

Subject:Dear Shawn
Time:9:44 am.
Here is my blurty. I guess the main reason I want you to look at it is because the things I write in it are from my heart, with no reserve. I say what I want with no worries in my mind. I hope you don't think less of me after reading this. It may take you some time to read it all and don't feel compelled to read's a three year journal. Anyway...I like you A LOT Shawn. Can't wait to see you soon!
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Monday, May 1st, 2006

Subject:Something new...
Time:1:30 am.
Knowing what I know now
Seems like the solution
But time persists to plead otherwise
The misunderstanding of the heart
Has brought grief to body and soul
If you deferr me
Then and only then
Would the truth be revealed
I've held this
And at the time of the release
I resisted
The negativity that sank in
Is almost unbearable

Why these long talks
Of repeated ignorance
Have I not told you before
You are mine
And I am yours
Not an army of any strength
Could take my love from you
When i call you my treasure
My words are filled with truth
Don't rely on the truth
Of the mind
I've conquered that
You are my princess
I did not go to war
No I went with you in mind
And I won
Hold your head high
The victory is yours to behold
No more talks of inconfidence
You are mine
And I am yours
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Tuesday, April 18th, 2006

Subject:and it's all ending so fast
Time:11:19 pm.
I just wanted to do a better job and I know that I have two months left to change all of that, but I just wish I could have done better. I truly wanted to do God's will and if I have messed up in anyway I am beyond sorry. I know that selfishness has been something that has held me back. I want to scream right now in repulse of my complacent actions. My brother says that my mind set is all wrong. That I shouldn't worry about other people's lives but to focus on my own. I CAN'T DO THAT!!! I want to be there for this all wrong motives? I guess maybe it is. Whatever it is I am mad at myself for it. I can't believe how I have acted. When I think back on this year I wonder what I could have done different or if I would have done anything different. I don't know if I would. I would have loved more, I would have cared more. But my actions, I'm not sure if I would have changed...which is sad to say. I wish I could say that I want to change everything that happened. There's just some people you click with and some you don't and there is nothing I can do about that or nothing I could have done. What is done is done and I guess that is what God wanted...right? ok so maybe not but I feel like the blame for some much of the drama. I HATE drama with a passion and I try to avoid it as much as possible and so maybe that is why I am left with these feelings of regret. I can't do this. why do I have to feel so much condemnation...does it not say in the bible that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus? why is that so hard for me to accept in my own life? Why why? WHy...I just want to know. Why am I held back by my own fear and desire to be perfect. I WILL NEVER be PERFECT!! Can i not get that through my head enough???? I will never be good enough for Jesus, he accepts me as I am and loves me despite my shortcomings...yeah this is easy for me to say but hard for me to believe. WHY??? I sound like an infant who can barely lift his head on his own. I don't want to sound like a child, but as one who is proven wise...yet i don't want to be held at such a high standard...well i do but it's scary.

Poison has crept in
And lying here in regret
I search for the answers
That will be forever untold
Why look?
In my arrogant walk
Did i find confidence in myself
I've longed for more
Yet waded among still waters
Going no where
It effects my walk and stature to the core
It's the happiness I look for
Among those who are defiantly depressed
Oh if that was even possible
I find no rest among the lillies
Even when stories are told
My heart speaks not
Oh the fear that sleeps so close
Pushed away from lack of silence
only to return in sweet pretense
To awaken those who need not know
Find another hiding place
Among the leaves and trees
The nests that keep you warm by night
And protect those most dear to you
Falling out, well that's what you can do
This heavy heart is never ending.
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Sunday, April 16th, 2006

Subject:I wonder
Time:10:47 pm.
Master's Commission, at this time, is my prison. Sorry to even say this but it is the truth. It seems like I can't even live, like this place is sufficating me. I am so sick of peoples attitudes...including my own, towards this place. I mean the only reason it sucks is because of us. We have no one to blame but ourselves. God wants to work and move but we persist to reject him. I sometimes wonder why people are in this program. I know that some just want to get out because they are so sick of this place but others put on an act like they don't want to be here but in reality they do. It's sad and I wish that things could change. Everything this year is so different and so not right. I feel like we are just running round in circles with no purpose or vision. I want God to use me to speak vision. God I am sorry for everything. you are so amazing and I treat you like you are nothing and in reality I am nothing. What is wrong with me? God Help me to do the right thing and give me wisdom for the decisions we have to make day in and day out. God I love you so much!
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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006

Subject:I was wondering
Time:11:05 pm.
I just wish that answers could be easy. Why does everything in my life have to be so complicated?
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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

Time:2:30 pm.
Sometimes I find it so funny that I worry about things. I wish so badly that I didn't worry about what people's like I base my life off someones opinion. That cannot be right!! I've been going through some crazy times lately and honestly I have never had to deal with this before so I am very scared. I'm not sure how to handle the situation. What people are saying about this whole situation has scared me even more. I know that everything will work out.

I am nothing
Yet I wollow in my selfishness
As if I have room to complain
You gave it all
For a sinner like me
And with an arogant heart
I've turned
In my mind of minds
Do I really believe I can make it?
Without you I fall
WIthout you I sink
Swallowed up by my own nievity
Heart will fail
Soul will fall
And I will be left in the dust
No, No
Take me higher
Above the cloud of confussion
I want to see with eyes of yours
Your heart will sustain me
Bring me through the worst
So that I may experience the best
Hold tightly
I want nothing more than your approval
Approve me God
Tell me of your love
Of your heart towards me
To feel your embrace
Would leave me speechless
in you presence
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Blurty for Keturah.

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