i shaved my head....haha...no not really...but that would be tight!   
02:40pm 19/06/2004
mood: anxious
haha ok, so i cut my hair some, so here are some pictures....i havent been writing lately..but no one else has really either...the new things, are myspace.com's i swear, EVERONE has one, and so no one writes in their journals anymore...but yeah...so im gonna go, i want to take a shower...im working at chilis now, so you can drop in and say hi to me if you want...allen got grounded yesterday...so i dont know when i will talk to him next, but we are registering for this cool eastern religions class at delta so hopefully i will be seeing him there...i already miss him and its been a day...this blows...oh wshit i lost my earing when i was sleeping....awww...i had that happen to me in what i thought was a dream last night...i guess it was real....how weird....

lots of love,


4| violated
06:07pm 25/05/2004
mood: ecstatic
WOW! life is going GREAT!

Allen and i got back together, i am not sure if i have written that or not, since it has been a while since i last updated, but yes, we broke up somewhere before valentines day, but we got back together May 11th. on the 6th of June, it will be our one year and sixth month anniversary! wow that is sooo long! i am so happy, i dont need anything else, allen is the most amazing part of my life, and i am finally feeling like i can make him happy too. he is always in the best of spirits since we got back together, and i know he loves me so much...we are amazing for eachother. i couldn't be happier.

of course...he got grounded for a week this sunday until next sunday because hwas suppose to be home but he didnt know, and so he left and hung out with me...damn...monday is memorial day though, and he will be off groundation, so hopefully we will hang out then...

saturday i had the big United GSA Youth BBQ at victory park...it went sooo well, AND they elected me president! im going to be in charge of the whole thing! i cant wait! i dont know quite yet about the whole thing, but i will soon...i have to contact the UOP's PRIDE alliance president and Diana frm the GSA Network to get everyone's email addresses and start a meeeting towards the second week in june.

i stayed home sick today, last night in the middle of the night i got extremely sick, so this morning i was too tired to go to school...and i got sick again around 8 or so, but after about 11 i realized i needed to go to school for my fifth period class to work on my photography project, so i went back at noon, and had lunch with allen until one, and then i went to fifth...my pictures turned out wonderfully, and i cant wait to print them up! Allen and I are going to take portraits also, and my mother and I as well...everyone wants me to take pictures...its really great...

today i wrote to leah, "i am so happy again leah, and i am so happy to be with him again" and she said "you can completely tell in. i can tell in the way you act" and she told me she can sense it, and see it in me, how happy i am, how wonderful my life is and how i percieve it. I have been in some awful funks in the months past. i had become phsycially sick, and psychologically drained with all the emotions i was dealing with. i didnt know why i broke up with allen, why we stayed apart, why i did what i did, when the entire time it was even worse. it was even worse because the entire time i wanted him there for me, i wanted to be with him and wanted to love him, and have him love me, be together, but because of one mistake, and one thing i said, and one idea i had, one momentary instinct i ran with, curiosity of what it would be like to not be together after so long...it killed the cat...it ruined my life for those good few months...it killed every aspect of me inside and out...you could see it on my face...in my eyes...and looking back i want to cry for time wasted...but everything is so much better now, and everytime i am with allen i want to tell him how happy i am just to be with him again. today just sitting with him on the grass and putting my head on his shoulder, i just wanted to tell him how happy i am we are together, but sometimes i feel like i say it too much...but i dont know why i hold back...looking back i should just have told him...instead i said "i love you" and that... that is so significant. i cant even begin to make you comprehend...to make anyone comprehend...the way he turns his head, and looks me in the eyes, kisses me so lightly, and tells me he loves me too...you all must think i am so redculous because i am so young, so naive, so innocent, but you have known nothing of love, and nothing of life, of living, of experience, until you have experienced what i have with allen. i hope one day i can tell him all of this....

all of this has gotten me a little worked up, but only because it made me realize how wonderful my life truly is! all of the wonderful aspects of my life! all of the blessings i live for! all of the gifts of fate and the gods, and myself, the path i have chosen, whether right or wrong. i have led myself, both pushed by many and pulled my own way, onto a road that is brightly lit and beautifully promisising...it is going to be an amazing summer...i am young, i am happy, i am in love....
2| violated
04:52pm 10/05/2004
mood: happy
Well, today wasnt very eventful...you know mondays...

Im listenin to Giulio's band jam downstairs, they are hella good...gotta love it....

I need to start up my new band sometime soon...jesus...I was suppose to go and have some coffee with Asa today since he wasnt workin and all, but he had to go car shopping...Ill probabaly end up going and getting coffee and taking my brothers non-driving band-mates home and Asa will call me later and another week goes by with no new band...

...and I think I might have another United GSA Youth meeting...Annie should call me soon...She called me the other night at Leahs at like 3 in the morning...it was soo funny...she's hella cool....

I really need to catch up on my school work quickly, school is going to get out pretty soon....I have to have good grades! Yay!

This Friday: THOUGHT RIOT! Im wicked there!

um...i have nothing else to write about...blah biddy blah blah...

lots of love,
1| violated
08:22pm 09/05/2004
mood: loved
i had a great weekend...

friday night leah and i kicked it after i went to josh's house for a bbq, it was really fun...quite "aubnostrious!"...then i went to leahs and picked her up, we went around and shtuff, went to caffien den to watch some bands, went to lindsy's house show to watch 'the silenced' play, took some pictures for photography, hung out with britt and leah and met up with tara and josh and matt, haha, then it became the crazy night for leah and tara, god you guys crack me upppp! then leah and i went to katies house and met up with jona and she and jona did some muy importante talking... then i got wickedreally tired....oh it was awful....hahaha, and leah almost convinced me to let her drive home...oh im glad i didnt let her...allen was pretty dissapointed because of friday...

but saturday i made it up to him!

hahaha....yeah after stayin in the nght at leahs i got ready in the morning and picked him up and allen and i hung out, watched some of a movie, the last samuri, then he got pretty mad at me, but he was so honest and it was really wonderful. you know me, i cried a little and then we workd it out after all and it was great...then we went back home and no one was home... he was being all sweet and stuff...but we couldnt stay at home because no one was there, and we arent allowed, so we left and went i dont even know where...and stayed there for a long time...it was somewhere on the marina, we just sat and kinda did the picnic thing and watched the stars...and it was great fun...then i went back to leahs with him... we went to rods and said hi to selena and rod, then i took him home and we went and picked up jona and tim and drove around...i got attacked by a spider so i threw my burrito at it! stupid bug, i was hella screaming haha...then jona went home and we went home and i slept really well...

leah woke up the next morning and baked our moms brownies...haha i was suppose to too, but i was sleeping...oopsies...then after fixing up a nifty profile for myself on "my space".com i went, picked up my brother, and went home. we had brunch for my mom in the garden, it was cute...then i went and picked up allen and dropped giulio at lincoln to go skate with his friends, allen and i hung out, he got me an adapter for my car and now i can play cds, and then he treated me to dinner and stuff...he bought me a rose, since he bought his mother lillies for mothers day, isnt that sooo cute?!?! oh yeah...

now im avoiding hmwk i need to do...damn...school is almost ending, i need to get my grades up....and i need to take the SAT things again too...

oh yeah! guess what?! yeah you got it on the first try! i got a job! whew! im a workin woman now...*dances* oh yeah! hoorah! ooh yes!

Love you all! Tell your mothers happy day...

yadda yadda....

<3 Eli
OOh yeAHH!   
08:17pm 09/05/2004
mood: giggly



the three banditos!

suck a diick!

leah! hahaha!

extraordinary gentlemen BIATCH!
07:39pm 05/05/2004
mood: tired
today i was SO tired....

last night i went to a show with leah, jona, and rod, it was so fun. the bands were'nt all that great, tara; you would like 'cedric', they sound like tsunami bomb. the immorals were goin great but we had to go home, i couldnt be out late. it was so fun to hang out with jona and rod again, i mean i see them all the time and i see jona a lot i guess, but it hadnt been the four of us for a good while, it was cool, we just kicked it outside for a while...

leah! i missed you while you were gone to las vegas, you too brittany! im glad you're all back~

today i had a GSA meeting with all the presidents of all the highschools of local GSA's. we are gonna have a grrreat picnic/bbq type thing on may 22nd at 12 at victory park, anyone and everyone is invited to go and have some fun while we talk about some important issues and have a good time!!!

allen just called me while i was sleeping earlier...aww he is so sweet. i love him so much *awww*...hahaha he was like "screw you!" to me earlier hahaha and i was like "aww you always know just what to say"; you are such a sweet talker!" it was sooo funny...i guess you had to be there...

i met some really cool people at the United GSA Youth meeting today...im pretty sure thats our name...yeah....awesome...

i think im going for a job interview tomorrow! SCORE!

gotta go...lots of love,

03:11pm 03/05/2004
mood: amused
Well, the last entry I wrote that I would update more...Yeah...That really worked out...

Today was rough, AP English testing from 8-12, writting essays and answering questions and all this hard stuff, but I am pretty sure my second and third essays are wonderful, and my multiple choice questions can't be too bad, it was just that first essay, I'm pretty sure it was terrible...But hey, we got free breakfast from Ms. Meridith and i got to leave school early. =)

Yesterday, Allen and I went to Exotic Java and hung out, we also went to the park and sat under the trees, and he treated me for some coffee and all that fun stuff..He is so nice to me...

Once I left school, I didnt go to sixth, I went and picked up Matt and we went to get some food and we went and picked up Mike and then my brother because they had practice and that was the whole point...

Now Im at home and they are practicing downstairs with Abear and some guy, because he's going to do the new vocals for them...Giulio is gonna take me to jamba juice later...yummm...

Dude, I got stood up by three people this weekend!! But they all had pretty legit reasons...haha, cept maybe Allen, he just came over and gave me love instead... ;)

Ok, gotsta go...

1| violated
06:52pm 21/04/2004
mood: tired
music: Op Ivy- room without a window
I'm thinkin I might start updating little entries more often, rather than writting hella long ones, once in a blue moon...

Today was the National Day of Silence. A non-violent protest for LGBT rights, (lesbian gay bisexual and transgender). Most of the members of GSA participated, although I broke it having to talk to a teacher and ordering a slice of pizza at lunch. I also said I Love You to Allen, which was comepletely mandatory. I couldnt go a day without telling him so. He is so wonderful, mmmm....

Im wicked hungry...someone is cooking food....it smells good...

I SHOULD be writing my English essay right now, but I will actually do it after dinner. I also have a Spanish one to write and two other English ones I need to do as well...DAMN...I'll do it, I swear...

*went and ate dinner*

Ok, I should get working...I should go get my phone, Emilio said he was gonna call me about goin cruzin in his 64 Chavelle...Oh yes, riding like a gangster!

This weekend is Taras Birthday celebrations! FRiday and Saturday night girls!! and the scattered fall, anna bell lee murders, and udder nonsence are all playing a show on friday. ill be shooting rolls for art saturday, and a date with allen sunday....whew...ok...im getting distracted again...gotta get to work...later
06:52pm 21/04/2004
mood: tired
music: Op Ivy- room without a window
I'm thinkin I might start updating little entries more often, rather than writting hella long ones, once in a blue moon...

Today was the National Day of Silence. A non-violent protest for LGBT rights, (lesbian gay bisexual and transgender). Most of the members of GSA participated, although I broke it having to talk to a teacher and ordering a slice of pizza at lunch. I also said I Love You to Allen, which was comepletely mandatory. I couldnt go a day without telling him so. He is so wonderful, mmmm....

Im wicked hungry...someone is cooking food....it smells good...

I SHOULD be writing my English essay right now, but I will actually do it after dinner. I also have a Spanish one to write and two otehr English ones I need to do as well...DAMN...I'll do it, I swear...

*went and ate dinner*

Ok, I should get working...I should go get my phone, Emilio said he was gonna call me about goin cruzin in his 64 Chavelle...Oh yes, riding like a motha fuckin gangsta!

This weekend is Taras Birthday celebrations! FRiday and Saturday night bitches! and the scattered fall anna bell lee murders udder nonsence show friday, shooting rolls for art saturday, and a date with allen sunday....whew...ok...im getting distracted again...gotta get to work...later
1| violated
Is this bullshit?   
02:35pm 28/03/2004
mood: aggravated
music: primus - here come the bastards
Man, I feel like no one reads my journal, so why even update it? I cry my little heart out, and nothing. I read yours, so what's wrong with mine?
9| violated
04:23pm 24/03/2004
mood: melancholy
music: Across The Universe, The Beetles and Ravi Shankar
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

i wish it were true....

seems like everything is on my shoulders. everyone is in my face, every little thing gets me so nervous, makes me feel so crazy, i freak out about everything, im not myself anymore, it feels like all this pressure is comming onto me from all directions and i a just going to implode and disapear, everyone is in my face about everything, i dont know what to do about anything anymore, i could just not exhist and it would feel better, nothing feels good anymore, im in such a funk...

how can i even try, i could never win...

seeing them hearing them, in the state im in, how could they say to me love can find a way, gather round all you clowns and let me hear you say; hey, youve got to hide your love away...

school has been ok lately, nothing, no one , no where, i missed third period today to go to a conference for these top 50 kids of lincoln who got chosen to go to this all day workshop thing, its a compliment because its for the oustanding and involved students, but its lame, i dont want to go, damn. i got a good grade on last weeks chemistry test, but today we took a pop quiz and i failed it...damn....this past monday was my first gallery showing ever, it was nice, i was pretty proud, it was nice because many of my friends went, allen went, which was strange and nice at the same time, brad went and brought nip and nerd that was good of them to come, my teachers came, mr. allen was so proud, selena came and leah and tara too, britt couldnt make it, but no hard feelings, it wasnt that exciting....tomorrow is a big day for me aournd 10:30....im really nervous..license....then at night i have a concert which should be great, then the next day im going to leahs after school and then to toast to my birtdhay, since we havent celebrated yet, and how better to celebrate then by masking away all your problems and hanging out with your friends...

living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see, its getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesnt matter much to me....

seems like everything makes me feel so aweful and stressed lately i have just started not carring....its aweful but reality, i dont care about much, i want to sleep all day, perhaps sleep and paint, and breath in and out until my lungs are black and my fingers have rotted off to the point of motionlessness, im rambling....im lonely....im alone...

alone even when surrounded, i feel alone, more inside than out, life is surreal and my vision is blurred,

things with allen are great, hes so amazing, but inide my head they are tougher than ever with me, they are wonderful when we are together, we get along so well, we still love eachother and care for eachother very much even though we "broke up", i mean, it was so much of our lives we put into eachother, i stilll put in so much, i still love him so much, it is just hard in my head right now, everything is hard intermingling and intertwined in the chaos taht is my mind, i dont know what i want to do right now, and i dont know how i feel, so when people ask me such questions, how am i suppose to respond? i have everyone in my face, everone has to know, everyone, i cant explain myself, so why even ask, i cant help myself so how could you possibly help me, why would you want to try, its between allen and i, its no one elses business to try and make things better for us...its pointless for you to interigate me....

here i stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall....

allen, you said you wished you could help make me feel better, but you thought you couldnt, but i wanted to let you know you do make me feel better, just by understanding me and comforting me, you make me feel better, you understand me and know me, and it makes me feel better...rarely anyone makes me feel better anymore...

because the world is round, it turns me on, aah, because the wind is high it blows my mind, ahh love is old, love is new, love is old, love is you, because the sky is blue it makes me sigh, aahh, love is old love is new, love is old, love is you

ive also been hanging around with brad a lot....he is so nice to me, they all are, they are all such great guys, i have hella fun, i just dont know ya know, i dont want anyone getting mad or hurt, i wouldnt want brad to be upset at me because i know he like me, but i love allen, i dont want you saddened by my poor decisions on how to deal with things either, you're too nice to be worried about me, im a mess, im not your problem....but i really want to thank you for your concideration, youre too good to me, i wouldnt want to let you down, i am just to lost in what to do with everything, i hate the way ive been feeling lately...im sorry you got a glimps of it all....im sorry i made you sad yesterday....i hope you dont think im insane because i blew up at you....i wasnt feeling well...

doesnt have a point of view, knows not where hes going to, isnt he a bit like you and me...nowhere man, the world is at your command...hes as blind as he can be, just sees what he wants to see, can you see me at all?

sunday im going to play pool with corey and allie and brad, no dungeons and dragons this weekend hahaha, but that is good because it gives me a a chance friday to go to leahs, i will probably stay over knowing me and then go home, see allen probably, and go to her house agian at night for a show saturday night, and then to play pool on sunday....last weekend i played DnD on friday with brad nip nerd matt david and jess, and saturday i hung out with allen and jess, and then sunday allen took me out to dinner for my birthday and to a movie, but i said i wanted to go home so we didnt go to the movie, we slept and layed on the couch for hours, it was like old times, it was really what i needed, he says a present is comming for me in the mail but its not here yet, i wonder what it is...he always gets me wonderful things...it feels almost like we are still going out when we hang out, in so many ways its great, because its what i need right now, a break from all of it, but no strange distancing from one another, im so glad things are not awekward, but then again on the other hand, i feel so lonely but i cant do anything about it....i cant get with him right now after everything i put him through, i guess i will have to wait a little while, but i do need a break from all the circumstances working against me and my heart...but i feel like i wouldnt get with anyone else...its such a terrible hole i have dug for myself, and i have stepped right in it and begun the burial, i am so lonely...so lonely...i just want to be cared for, but i hate to call out for help....i hate talking about my emotions....but i like the way i feel afterwards....this is god-aweful....i am so alone in all this....

cyring crying crying crying......i am suffocating.....

i day dream, my mind is never hear anymore, i might as well be on acid, the dreams, images, visons, never focus anymore, im always tired, im always dreaming, im always thinking, but never about anything, always nothing, thats all that is in my head anymore, nothing....i want to dream forever, its always much more beautiful and romantic than reality.....

i dont want to get a damn job....but how will i afford...anything?

i was talking to devon shortly, i would love to see him, he sees directly into my very soul and reads me aloud like a glass booklet, to him i am an open page on which to edit wonderfully and make me beautiful once again, he knows how to travel through each thought and understands how i feel....and even if he doesnt.....i need something to make me feel better...so why not pick what is amazingly hard to reach and far away....because then i can find reason to sadness....perhaps im not making sense....please talk to your mushrooms for me, i need better biorythems....

there is a certain taste in your mouth right before you cry...do you know that taste?i never realized it much...

words are flowing out like enldess rain into a papercup, they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe, pools of sorrow waves of joy are slipping through my open mind possesing and caressing me....

im so emotional...and yet i am so numb....jai guru de va....nothings gonna change my world....

this is all bullshit, you shouldnt listen to me at all....why would you keep reading such lies?
1| violated
02:28pm 20/03/2004
  god damn i never update anymore, but this is somethin hella tight i wrote thursday night:

Eliana Cetto
March 19, 2004
AP Eng / Per 1

Pardon Me, Did You Say ‘Sex?’

It’s lurking around every corner, it’s the mysterious shadow that makes you jump, it’s the awful feeling like you’re being followed, when your stomach drops, when the campfire pops, as the wolfs howl, and the monsters growl, its infecting the minds of our young and torment us in our dreams. Its 5:00, do you know where your child is? Its unavoidable, It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake. You can run, but you cant hide: Sex, Its Everywhere!
Scientifically, it classifies gender, psychologically it is the sexual urge or instinct as it manifests itself in behavior. It’s a cultural phenomenon, sex, no, not intercourse, but rather sexual content, being sexually explicit,, and of course anything sexy. Its exploited, used, and abused, and it’s biggest downfall? We’ve all become so accustom to it,. What once was sacred, and often taboo, we are now desensitized from and take it for granted.
A ten year old boy can rent a video game and kick the tar out of a street-fighter while playing a character of a girl in a pink-bikini-thong. She twirls and round house kicks the opponent in the face while making a girlish squeal, and , if by chance the game has good graphics, when she does kick, each unrealistically and unproportionally enhanced part of her bikini-clad body can jiggle and shake in glorious K.O. victory.
A PG-13 movie can have most any sexual content as long as it is not being blatantly crude and obvious. When more explicit actions are used in an in-your-face manner, an I.D. is required to the entrance of a rated R film. However, most anyone can watch a movie, with older brothers and sisters, downloading pirated movies, renting and so on, the ratings of movies seems almost pointless. It is almost a marketing tactic to rate a film “R” because it attracts younger viewers because they know they are not suppose to be subject to such things. The mind is always more attracted to the restricted.
Television and music are just as awful. Whether its “Coupling” the new prime time show advertising itself as “All About Sex,” Justin ripping off Janet’s clothing while live, Brittany kissing Madonna, or MTV, half-clothed woman are constantly “shakin’ it,” men speak of acts that should be kept behind closed doors, and as all this happens; the cash flow thickens. When they said “Sex Sells” they weren’t kiddin’! Sex appeal is the special ingredient sprinkled on top of all of pop-culture to enhance the attraction of anything and anyone. Sex boosts ratings, record sales, popularity, and appeal. It’s a pressure felt by many in our society because every channel you turn to, its right there in front of you. Sex is rarely every treasured as sacred anymore. High school students, even eighth graders are now subject to burdens and baggage they would have never had to deal with, had it not been our overly sexually active, and sexually obsessed society.
Daily the rate of teenage parents increases, the amount of various sexually transmitted diseases spreads, the number of deaths from birth complications and STD’s such as AIDS grows, and yet, rather than toning down the pressures of our sexual culture, we crank up the heat! You can look sexy, feel sexual, have sexuality, want sex, be sexed, oversexed, undersexed, and probably be somewhere in the middle as well.
Sex can be interpreted in many ways, taken seriously and also humorously. Sex can be intercourse, appeal, attraction, courtship, desire, fornication, intimacy, lovemaking, relations, reproduction, sensuality, and sexuality. It can be erotic, animalistic, bestial, carnal, sweet, sacred, intimate, loving, passionate, procreative, reproductive, sharing, and a very big step. You can have sex, breed, conjugate, couple, fool around, fornicate, have relations, hump, lay, lie with, make it, make love, make out, mate, screw, sleep together, sleep with, and unite with. More inappropriate and ruthless terms can lengthen the above list easily. To increase your vocabulary abilities on the word, just listen to a group of adolescent boys talk for about five minutes. You will learn everything you need to know, plus some. Some say it’s not a big deal, some say it’s too important to even joke about, but either way, it shouldn’t be taken lightly, or ignored. Neither conclusion is appropriate, but all opinions vary.
Sex is usually altered by only one variable, one condition that changes hearts, changes minds, and changed actions; maturity. The maturity to say you are not ready yet, the maturity to not want to go see a movie solely for its advanced rating, the maturity to not want to exploit your own personal sexuality because of the poor examples of others. These aspects need to be taught, rather than the pressures our culture puts on its youth by a terrible definition of sex. Our priorities are all mixed up. Parents don’t talk to children about important information, and high school nurses pass out condoms to avoid unprotected sex rather than talk about other options such as abstinence. Sex is looked at as casual and normal. We have been desensitized and have learned to accept sex as a daily part of life. Teenagers especially, look at it as more normal to be sexually promiscuous and more rare to still have their virginity. Because of the peer pressure to have sex, it has become a craze, a must-do, and appalling if you don’t. But it’s really too bad that kids my age cant see it, and later in life I hope they step back and wonder what the big deal was, because I just don’t get what the rush is at all.
hung to bleed with my head facing meca...   
09:15pm 24/02/2004
mood: am i dead?
music: please wake me from this nightmare
myka was talkin about how things in his life changed and shit...i got fed up and exploded...but if anyone even reads with worthless piece of shit journal, maybe they care to know my life is falling apart...slowly...steadily...im dying...inside and out....

so what happened?

i dont know, life.

i dont understand why things always have to fucking change
fuck that
fuck everything
i hate fucking change
i dunno


its to fucking dumb
fuck myka
all i wanted was a little change
i didnt like how things were going
but like fuck!

be careful what u wish for

i feel so lonely
all the time
and im so down im sick
i get sick so easy lately


i cant fucking take it
but i coudlnt take the emotions when we were together
and now i cant take being with out the emotions now that we are appart

ur damned if u do damned if u dont


and i dont know what i want about anything
i seriously dont know what i want...
but i dont know..


fuck myka i hate change
fuck myka...
i havent said anything
to anyone
about exploding

nah its coo
i understand



i think i kidna understand it more now than what i did when me and here were together

i see things in a completely different light with allen now
but i miss him so bad

same here
things change though
progression is key
u cant sit tight and do nothing forever

i dont know..
i sat tight for a while...and wasnt happy
but now i am doing something
and it didnt make me happy either

when everyone gets u down
or shit fucks u up
u gotta stand strong
and jus go on
sometimes u dont feel like there is a reason to live
but if u love long enough
ull find another reason


i should learn to listen to my self

now is the time...for me to rise to my feet...wipe the spit from my face...wipe these tears from my eyes...i will be...i will be heard
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04:58pm 10/02/2004
  hmm... havent updated in a while...

this weekend was eventful! i had a lot of fun! it was leahs birthday, so we hit the town in SF and had a blast. we, (tara, niki, brittany, tiffany, leah, and i) got all dressed up and went out to dinner at a snazzy italian restaurant on the wharf. damn, tara you tore that italian food up! hella grubbin! then it was back to the hotel we stayed at [whatchoo doin?/ nothin chillin at the holiday inn/ who you with?/ me and my people, you bring fo' of yo' friends] to get comfortable shoes to walk the piers and shtuff. we went to pier 39 and took this video of us on a magic carpet ride, oh my god it was the best thing ever! niki, you looked so funny in that picture! and tiffany and brittany when you guys fell, it was sooo funny! and leah was superwoman ...i still didnt get that wig part..haha what the heck? haha...that guy was hella funny...we should have went back and gotten a free video! with brittany's misfits hair! hahahaha!

the night was really fun in the hotel...its too bad i had to get all sad for a second there...allen and i are having wicked rough times...it sucks...today he was hella sad and mad all depressed. he was acting like we had already broken up...and i was trying to tell him, we havent! but yeah he ate a little and laughed at some guy who was falling on his bike, so he cheered up a little, but he still wasnt very happy....it sucks...i wonder how valentines day will be...i wonder if he will even want to do anything...i keep asking him what to do and hes all "i dont care" ...so i dont know...(sorry for calling crying the other day leah, you were just the first person i thought of to call...that was hella rough....sorry)

the next day in san fransisco was hella shopping filled! hot-damn it was fun! haha. i bought a bunch of stuff for hella cheap and then we dropped off tiffany, met her dad and sister, shes so pretty, it was so cool to kick it with you again dude! \! we all had a blast! im so glad you could be there!

thanks leah for doing that all for us. it was great!!!!!!!!!

saturday night was tight too. it was too bad that katie got in trouble. man that sucks. ...if she sees this...thats for letting us chill, it was hella fun....ok she probably wont see that but yeah...then sunday was cool, the movie was fun, HELLA crazy...the butterfly effect...i still dont get it...i might go see it again to understand it...haha...my bro and some friends want to see it. you should all go see it!....

the next day my brothers band woke me up, they are pretty good. not that i expected them to be bad, but yeah they were good. kind of an incubus type feel. it was cool. then we all jumped in the car and went to go see if the play-boy models were at tower...but its next monday...darn it...hahaha...then we had band practice...we are less productive than i thought...but its not like we sit around, we get stuff done, but nothing finished completely, we just keep working on new stuff....hmm....its cool...im having fun with it...we have practice again thursdee....

theres a big show on friday...i think....i want to go. saturday is valentines day...i dont know what we are doing yet....i wonder....

rod wants me to finish the cd cover for him by tomorrow...its $20 which i need, but i dont know..thats a lot of hard work in 24 hours...hmmm....

allen just signed on....hmm.....im scared...i dont know what he wants...i dont know what i want...i just want to be happy and have fun...things are getting so messed up...i dont even know why i said we should take a break...i just want him to understand...i wonder if he would ever take me back...god i hope so...
03:21pm 02/02/2004
mood: flirty
music: the sound of silence....
well, i didnt go to school today...

i dont think i was really sick or anything...but i just didnt want to go to school today...sometimes mondays feel like a waste of time...and besides it was raining and i wanted to sleep..so i played a tummy ache...*shame on me* yes i know...

damn nigga, i need to paint my nails! they are looking like death on fingertips...whew...that was random...

dude, i totally want to seduce a certain somebody....damn, hella fine...he knows who he is!...FUUCK!

oh shit bitch! doug, this guy at the A7X show was SOO fine! and he was holding my hand and talked to me and leah! and he put his arm on leah!...well, except that at first i didnt care because he was acting like he was the shit, so i hella dogged him, and leah was like " why are you looking at him like that?" and i was like "because he thinks hes the shit!" and leah goes "look at him, he is the shit!" hahah so i felt bad and decided to invite him to the show the next night, scattered fall, bye, and thought riot and silent film stars...hella tight show! i had HELLA fine!...i hate to sound like every other girl, but robin looked good that night...haha, i coudlnt resist...i am such a sheep now...haha jk

sunday i went out to dinner at chilis with leahs family after going shopping at the mall to get leah a formal dress for the big birthday bash this weekend. haha... i saw ella at chilis, i miss hanging out witrh her...she moved into her new house only like, last month, and i STILL havent seen it...i remember when i use to LIVE at her house. i miss her...

dude, leah and tiffany's birthday is gonna be SOO off the charts! hell of in the books and shit! its gonna be so much fun! i havent seen tiffany since the summer, and i looove the city, and going out to dinner in formal dresses is the CUTEST idea ever, i cant wait to get all dolled up. and if anyone needs any formal shit, ive got LOADS of it...so just give me a call, y'all...that rhymed...

the band is comming along...we are still deciding on a name...we will probably stick with "Drowning Ophelia" which i dig quite a bit...its from Hamlet, if you didnt know that, well, you should read it, Ophelia is one of the most well done charecters in history... and it just sounds like a good name for a boy/girl kind of a band...i mean, its not Sex In The Convent, but we kinda thought people wouldnt like it as much because they might get offended..hahah

ive been talking to devon lately, that is SOOO great. i WICKED missed him. he is getting so cute and grown up and his hair is getting long and he is so sweet and so smart and so conciderate, and damn, i just totally missed my twin...."Fools" said I,"You do not know/Silence like a cancer grows/Hear my words that I might teach you/Take my arms that I might reach you"/But my words like silent raindrops fell/And echoed/In the wells of silence/...i miss you!

yeah , well im outro...ill try and update more often...but you know, im a busy gal....peace on the outside...

p.s. valentines day is comming up soon!
02:14pm 02/02/2004
mood: contemplative
music: singing to myself...
i rub the illness off my eyes,
and stare into cloud ridden skies,
pondering through crimson colored lies,
and one again hiding my disguise.

to find the answers through seduction,
left with the coefficient of self destruction,
and the sum of earths reproduction,
that will lead to my demise.

resisting temptation at long last,
stronger than the dead hand of the past,
and the lives of the innocent so unsurpassed,
ultimately you are the despised.

you are the despised,
you are the desensotized,
i feel it in your cries,
you are the undespised.

and when i scream "be you the indulgence!"
and shout and yell in loves defence,
through silent screams sang so intense,
in final i am the one who dies,

i am the despised,
i am the desensotized,
you hear it in my cries,
i am the undespised.

i throw my head back to be chastized,
and feel the water of the baptised,
unknowing of unborn goodbyes,
there is no hope in a rotted sunrise.

this need some serious work hahaha..i like it tho...and i havent posted poetry in a while...
ya know what?...i love you guys!    
04:59pm 27/01/2004
mood: happy
music: swinging utters or something in leahs room
sometimes things just feel weird...sometimes i dont understand...

i dont want to be like anyone else, i cherish my identity and unique qualities, for the first time in a while, i like who i am and i am working on being comfortable in my skin. i may not be running around naked anytime soon, but i am becomming more confident after years of not feeling comfortable with who i was.

but now i am feeling like, sometimes, its not good to be too different. if your too kind, youre a doormat, too angry, youre a bitch, too positive, annoying, too complimentary, a suck up, too pessemistic, a downer, too quite is too quite, too loud is too loud. i hate extremes sometimes...i wonder often where i lye in the gray scaled spectrum...

but you know, what if i dont care? what if i like the way i am. it makes me feel good to be nice, and sometimes, it makes me feel good to be mean. and fuck, sure i do it to make myself feel good, but im not being selfish, im being normal. everyone does thinsg for themselves sometimes. it makes me feel good to be nice even when other are mean. when my dad gets flipped off while driving, everyone knows he says "they give me the finger, i give them all five" and waves. its just the way i was brought up and the way i like to do things. i am a buddhist and i practice loving kindness. of course sometimes i say fuck kharma and let what happens to me happen, but other times i like the way i do things. i like talking problems out. i like undertsnading. i like asking why? and i dont think there is anything wrong with that. i have my friends, i have my family, i have my loved ones. and they have me. if anyone one else wants to tell me they dont like the way i do things, fine. i love the way i deal with things, so fuck 'em. ya know? ive got everything within my loved ones i need. and to all of my friends- i love you guys, and i truly dont say it enough. youre one of the important parts of my life. you guys are right up there with breathing, blinking, and taking shits (haha leah)

so yeah, thought i'd end this one on a positive note...because you know what motha fucka's? tahts just who i am!

lots of love,

2| violated
02:33pm 10/01/2004
mood: awake
music: brittany spears, toxic
This week could not have gone by any slower than it had. My God, how tedious was the first week of classes!? It was as if the clocks would slow down, right before the worst classes were about to end, right before lunch would begin, or before I could get to go home and take a nice nap. Right before, the clock would stop, and the hands would spin in revearse, just to make me want to scream. Then most likely, I would scream...Damn I really don't want to be in school...I wish I had art and photography for 7 consequetive classes.
Joey is over right now, disasembaling his drumset and taking it home. He was going to come yesterday, but no one was here. He asked me if I was sick...I wonder if i looked that bad...Un-showered, in pajamas, and just woken up about a half an hour before....Yes, I must have.
The band is going well. We are still quite nameless, and we only have a small amount of repetoir, but I am having a great deal of fun getting to make music with my friends. It really is a wonderful thing to be a part of...We are still searching for a lead guitarist. We have our rythem, Kat, but we need someone else, to further add to the sound. We have had one person already come in and audition, Tyler, and perhaps Mike is comming in this weekend, or Monday. Then Thomas might come, and also Sofia might play drums so Joey could play guiatr. I do not know what, or who, we will conclude on, but hopefully soon we will solidify the band members, and play a show...Miles says we can play one with the Lobstrosities, which is really exciting. Miles totally has the hook-ups too. I'm excited, I am really looking forward to our developement into a really great band....we're on our way...hopefuly.
Dude, everyone should download this tight as song called TOXIC, by BRITTANY SPEARS...hahaha....I'm actually serious though.
This week was too much for me...Im glad its ending...The only good part was seeing Allen ( <3 ) for the first time since the 20th, on tuesday, which happended to be our one year-one month anniversary...He told me I need to get laid! Haha! What the heck? Isnt that contradicting?...I invited him over yesterday, but he coudlnt do anything. It was too bad too, no one was gonna be home...It would have just been us...I wanted to cook him dinner and spend the evening together...
Then Wednesday, the GSA meeting made me very upset. No one showed up, barely, and I waited until 12:45. Then I got mad and left. Then people showed up later than that, and tried to give me grief about not going to the meeting?! I was so angry. next week there will be a sign in sheet, meetings will start at 12:30, and if you're not on time, you dont get to sign in. And thats that....Wednesday was also the day my father left to go on tour with one of his choirs. He called me just now from "The Land Of Disney" as he called it. I miss him. Hes comming home tonight around midnight.
Thursday I had band practice. That was ok. Im sure we will be practicing again Sunday or Monday. We need to find a guitarist quickly so we can start getting a solid set together....I cant wait.
Yesterday I went to a show with Leah, Tara, Rod, and Selina. We met some people there, but never really went inside to see the show. We all just went to my house mostly...Dude, I had a great deal of fun time with Connie once we got there. She and I hella have teh same sence of humor.
Today I think Im going to go to another show at the Den with Leah. Machette Frisk, The Immorals, and Eat Shit and Kill Yourself, are playing. I'm home alone damn it...I'm wicked bored too...What to do...
Dude, I just talked to Matt, Young, about playing lead guiatr and hes WICKED into it! Im so excited! He is such a talented musician! This is going to be wonderful!
So, Im wicked bored, and I havent done anything yet and its almost 5, so I think Im gonna go take a shower....Later
06:30pm 06/01/2004
mood: accomplished
music: mo-town hahaha!

I've got pictures! WooHoo!


P.S....Leah, Brittany, and Kat, you guys are probably the only ones who should totally go and see them, because you're in them...Everyone else can look for fun...I'll put more up when I have more!

Lots of Love!! <3

1| violated
10:45pm 29/12/2003
  i hate feeling this way....the hot tears, rolling down swollen, red eyes, i hate the way i react to this....i hate it...but i love him. i love him