[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
why is nothing ever easy for me? i like him so much but i suppose its to much to ask for him to feel the same. i asked him out, he said yes, he really likes me, cant wait to meet me, but now it seems like hes changed his mind. i dont want to ask him for fear of looking like an obsessive psycho. i am obsessive though, this is beginning to take over my life. its all i can think about, day in, day out. everyones going on about their anniversaries and valentines day, and i just want to scream FUCK OFF think how the fuck i fel i have nobody and never will do. i want antony but he has no reason to like me. not when he could have someone who isnt depressed and unstable, someone who's slim and gorgeous. not me, fat, ugly, stupid, useless, obsessive freak. what did i do wrong to deserve this torture? i just want to be with him. why cant that happen?
|Wednesday, December 15th, 2004|
There are 2 people inside me.............2 parts of me and they fight. they fight about everything and its so rare for there to be peace in my mind. One tried to be rational but the other one wont have it, wont believe it.........like when people say that I won't be alone forever. the rational me says, they;re right, you will find someone. then the other me screams and shouts and says no it wont happen, they're lying, why wuld anyone want you? then it starts going through every single reason why nobody will ever want me. that me usually wins the fight. but it doesnt stop once its won. i give in and admit its right, but it keeps going on and on at me. i cant fight it, its too strong. i cant shut it up, im too weak. i want it to all go away, i dont want to exist like this. i want to live a normal, happy life with all the things that everyone else has. but it seems to much to ask. it's telling me i dont deserve that, that i deserve to be alone, and messed up in the head, and to suffer like this.
I dont want to believe it but its too strong to fight against it.
|Tuesday, December 14th, 2004|
Its back I'm going to see a doctor about it on Thursday. I feel really pathetic and worried that they'll say I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I guess all I can do is tell them how I feel, how I basically have no hope for the future and everything seems hopeless and pointless. I just want someone to help me and make this all go away. I dont remember what its like to not feel like this but I want to have a normal life and feel how normal people do, not down in the shit like this all the time. I dont know why its happened, I did really well and hit a level a few months ago, why culdnt it stay that way? I was happy to wake up every morning, wondered what I could do with each day. My life had hope and potential but now it doesn't.
It feels like the walls are closing in on me, there's no way out and I;ll be in here forever. I want people to understand and care, really honestly care and help me.
Reading this back I sound so obsessive and pathetic but its real. Its what goes on in my head every second that I'm awake. I look forward to sleep because it doesn't get me there. Sometimes I have bad dreams but luckily I dont usually remember my dreams. Anyway it can't be any more scary than what goes on while I'm awake.
I've gone back to that feeling of just existing, not living. I want to live, I want to be in control and not let this beat me. But it is atm. Its on top of me, weighing me down so I can't move or cry for help.
|Monday, December 13th, 2004|
My life so far
My life sucks. I'm 22, a single mum and I'm never going to be loved again in my life. I wish those bullies could see what they've done to me, I hope they're sorry. They prolly dont even know how they're ruined my life.
Everyone else has hudbands or bf's and heres me with nobody. And I never will get anyone cos why would they want me? I'm ugly fat and generally repulsive. Men want page 3 models they dont want me with my emotional issues and uglyness.
I know I'll never get anyone so why I am still trying I dont know. Maybe I deserve to feel like this. Thats what it says in my head when I cut myself, that I deserve to feel the pain. The physical pain is a release but the emotional pain is getting too much to bear atm. I dont know what to do, theres no escape from it. Its all around me but worst of all its in my head, all the time. Wherever I go, whoever I see, its there, laughing at me. Mocking me. Sure I have close family and friends who love me, but its not filling that aching void inside me. Anway they all have husbands or bf's and dont realise how much this hurts me. Its killing me. They're all like, oh you'll find someone, but how can I believe them? They're just trying to shut me up complaining.
Why the fuck is it so much to ask for something that so many people have and seem to take for granted? I dont want to be on my own for the rest of my life, but better start getting used to it cos its going to happen.