So I'm crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like stupid...sometimes it seems the same as evil to the casual observer. But I'm just crazy, nothing more, nothing less. And who isn't? My paranoia lets me think good friends are plotting against me when I know it's probably a misunderstanding. My...Romantic notions let me get carried away. A little optimism is a dangerous thing. I try to convince myself of the impossible. But oh well, it'll all end up good.

Susan asked me the other day if it was ok if she kept reading my journal. I don't think I really answered. Anyone who knows me at all knows that's not like me at all. But I've been that way a lot around her. I don't know why exactly. But she shouldn't keep reading. Nobody in a relationship should be reading that person's journal, it is the source of so much evil I can't even get started. And we are in a relationship officially now. So she shouldn't be reading this...and I shouldn't read hers. Sarah shouldn't read this either I'm sure, even though I'm sure both of them will. I tried to have this one little refuge to be alone with my thoughts and only had one person who read it. At the time we were so close. She gave the link to her roommate, someone else I thought I'd grown close to recently, and she in turn gave it to her friend I'm now dating. Sarah bugged me about it at work, but of course she only knew about its existence from that aforementioned friend's roommate.
I was so terrified of giving her the link because we flirted at work but I didn't want her to see that I really thought about her...that way...since I knew there was nothing that could come of it...except humiliation, making her uncomfortable, and basically making work unenjoyable. I tried to hide those thoughts and gave her the link...but I don't think I would have given in to even that if I hadn't thought she was *with* her bf for some time to come or had any hope I'd really be next if she wasn't. It is just too scary to have someone in that position see your every thought and every bad moment. The only other person I *gave* the link to is Cortney. And there isn't much to say about that now. She only hates me for some minor details...housekeeping issues and such right now...and I still like her and all. Rachel I think is already mad about something she knows is coming. Susan will be soon enough. Sarah has a right to hate me already. And Cortney might not seriously *hate* me...but she won't love me anymore I don't think. I already don't.

I miss Sarah. It isn't right. I don't even really believe she misses me. I just don't. Some people think she's really just saying it to trick or torture me. I don't. But I don't think she really misses me. I think she's just lonely. If we were together again it would take her another two days to dump me I bet. She might think otherwise, but she was wrong once before about that very same thing. And I believe you can be friends with the opposite sex, I really do. I even believe exes can get along, even if my only other ex and I haven't been on speaking terms in months. But the more I think about spending time with Sarah the more I know I shouldn't. I mean, there's nothing more innocent than watching Finding Nemo...and that's what I was thinking we could do...but...I want it too much. I don't know. If Paul or Cortney or someone wanted to watch that with me I would probably have said no. But she says she likes it or says she named her car after one of the characters and I keep thinking about it...I keep praying she'll call or come over or whatever. And even though I'd never actually *do* anything about it...it's so obvious why I want her around...what she means to me...just...how I think of her...it isn't right. It isn't fair to Susan. It isn't healthy for me. It isn't something Sarah would want even. So we're all in favor of me not feeling that way. Not thinking about her every second.

It isn't fair to Susan that I lie every time she asks what's wrong and just say "nothing" or let her think I'm tired and that's why I'm nauseous or bury my face. I've gotten an insight into just how Jessie felt that I never wanted these past few days. She was a saint. I'm not. I didn't mean to say this much when I started writing but it's tearing me up inside and everyone knows the best thing I can do is be honest about it and get it over with. And she's given me opportunities. And I did the worst things possible every time. She even gave me an out the next morning and asked if I really meant it when I agreed we could be together. And I sort of took it...but I purposefully laughed as if I was being sarcastic, so she assumed I was. Of course. I just can't do it. I can't. I can't say no to someone. I did say no the first time she asked. And she cried. She cried! Wtf am I supposed to do? So I said I'd give it a try. Nobody has ever been nicer to me than this girl I say to myself...she really does seem to want desperately to make me happy even though she can't. I need to let go...except I can't. Not just for my sake but for hers. I owe her what I implied I'd give her. Even if I can't give her love, I can at least pretend.

I don't like how this happened. I felt forced into the situation no matter what anyone says. And she freaking told her whole family about me already...well before she got me to say we could be "together" or whatever. And she's the one who said titles like that only matter to high schoolers so it shouldn't mean she'd take it harder if she ever realized I didn't feel the way she wants me to. And she is an accomplice admittedly rather than the mastermind in Rachel's evil scheme...as much if not more of a pawn than me in it. I mean...ok...I blamed Tim for what he said...and I still can't help but think he relished the opportunity to destroy my reputation with her and embellished a little himself on the stories...but if it's true I don't blame him, love does that to men...and if he didn't I don't blame myself for thinking he would...I'm paranoid to begin with and love does that to men. But I actually *know* from Rachel that she made up those stories. And she made up another one as further proof. She told Susan to say she didn't know I was with Sarah. That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. It's no wonder her and Martha get along. Susan was hanging out with me the whole time Sarah and I didn't see each other between Saturday and her dumping me. And the whole time I kept calling Sarah every ten minutes. And I kept talking about Sarah and breaking down over it and there was nobody more aware than Susan of Sarah and her role in my life at the time. And I don't give a fuck anymore. I want to die. I can't focus. I can't be with Sarah but I won't be with Susan and if I don't find anyone else, fine, I deserve it after what I've done. But they both deserve better. Sarah deserves someone who can make her love him and someone who didn't betray her . Susan deserves someone who can return the intense devotion she gives.

Everyone hates me, and Cortney called...not knowing I was writing this...and told me I better not dump Susan. And I haven't yet. But the thing is the longer I wait the worse it will be. I manage after a few days to sort of like her a little. And I certainly love being the center of someone's world for a change. And I want to redeem myself somehow by being good to her. But I haven't developed "feelings" for her...I don't miss her when she's gone. I don't even stop missing Sarah and Jessie when she isn't.

Nobody else knows...I'm like the only person in Columbus who's ever met her of course but I mean even her friends don't know her...and my stories can't begin to do her justice, even if you understand they are the one thing I don't even exaggerate. And nobody else...not even her...sees how oddly our lives seem to parallel...just in little weird ass coincidences, nothing serious...but all the intangibles. I'm the anti-tim apparently and she was right about that. I joke about how I must be the opposite of him since she never stopped loving him but apparently she tells me things aren't jokes if you cry telling them. Anyhow, she of course is as hung up on Tim as I am on her...well, about the very same time I wrote in my journal I was ready to talk to her and try to be her friend she wrote in hers the same about him. And some bullshit about how the cat IMed him...which admittedly could have happened but still. New year's eve I kept thinking about her...more than usual. I used someone else's screen name to read her away message. It was just "happy new year!"...whose wouldn't be? But for some reason reading it made me cry. Maybe it was just that seeing her online is something I haven't done since...then...and seeing her profile, her font...proof some things hadn't changed and that she was still there. And I read all her stats about how long she'd been idle and stuff and tried to guess what was happening with her. I'm not ok...I know. For one thing, I'm not doing myself any favors. For another I'm not emotionally available...and as much as my ex hated just how emotionally available I was to her, it would be unfair to anyone who wasn't her if I was with them like this. But I can't seem to get past it and I can't just wait forever so I muddle about and push on. I don't have any regrets...I don't wish I was still a virgin...as nice as it might seem to take it all back sometimes, I would never trade a second with her no matter how much I'm forced to think it was all a lie all along. It was wonderful. While it lasted. I promised myself when the old year began I would have no regrets. And I really don't.

My new year though is awesome. And as much as I don't regret the time we had together...as much as there's some perfect version of her in my head that must not really exist outside it...as much as my heart clings to her...I'm glad she's gone. I would never have left on my own. Never. I would never have cheated on her. Ever. No matter what. It sounds odd I can still know that about some alternate future that won't happen...but I do. I would have kept enjoying every moment with her. And I would have kept loathing every moment apart. I would have become Gollum. And she would have been my precious. And it's a good thing she didn't want that or I wouldn't have the life I do now. I have trouble understanding it myself. I always wanted to just sort of...start life. A family, a career, a household. I still am desperate for those things...and I can't logically think of a reason not to have them. Jessie even just said she wished she could just be married and have done with it. She asked why she couldn't be. There were so many things I could have said to that. One is that the only reason is that she says so. I would have married her if she'd let me. I never proposed, but only because I wasn't in a hurry since I thought it was inevitable...I wanted to enjoy the relationship and let it progress...but I never doubted it would come to that. But if she'd wanted it sooner, she'd have had it. And she knew that. And she found it terrifying. Sarah does the same thing. I mean, I wasn't in love with her or anything, but she does the same thing about wishing she was married right now when it's the last thing she wants. It's something the three of us, and I assume most of humanity at some point in their life at least, have in common. But of all the crazy things that happened last year...with as much of a horrible person, a cheater, a whore...and everything else I've somehow become...and as hard as it is to think of it as a step forward...I have to say there is something to be said for it.

I understand things now...in ways I never did before. I'd think this was bullshit if someone else had said it before I found out myself...but the innocence...the naivete I love and admire...that I used to enjoy...and that Christ Himself was enamored by...it hides something of the world from us. Human nature is a subject perhaps nobody can fully understand and no study could exhaust...but I know more than I did before. Sometimes I worry if the whole idea doesn't reek too much of forbidden fruit and all and knowledge of good and evil...but oh well. And I used to think I understood people...enough to guess what most people would do in most situations...I can pretty much read the flow of the universe...but I mean *really* understand people. Empathize with them. I had been in such unique situations growing up I never went through the sort of parental conflict most people do...I never had siblings either of course...but now I'm starting to get into these fights with the folks...and I get it. But I also get Jessie...more and more every day. I hear things she says and some make sense, some still don't...but knowing that some that even then I thought were bullshit...knowing what she meant now...makes me think so much more was true too. Some things she said were outright contradictions...like how you just leap into bed with people unless you really love them and then you wait. It was supposed to be why her and Scott didn't have sex for a few days I guess...it was still soon enough after I wanted to think it was a dig at me. There were other things too but time constraints and some respect for my audience and their intense desire not to keep reading about Jessie prevent me from getting into them.

Anyhow, before y'all think I'm back on the first train to Jessietown, no, I'm just rambling. I've never been more convinced it's a good thing she's not with me. I just read her journal ok...and you know how I said she and I are equally obsessed with our exes? She went to his place for new years...with his gf he started fucking while he was with Jessie there of course...and ten guys and her friend Kim the porn star. And it became something of an orgy in an attempt for her to make Tim jealous...which I guess would then lead to her marrying him or whatever in her mind. It reminded me of two things...first of all, he is so her precious...she's blind to his evil and how he hurts her...she just has to have him. And, if you promise not to try to stretch the analogy because I promise you'll regret it unless you're really into hardcore fantasy homoerotica, I am sort of Frodo to her Gollum...she shows me what I would become had I continued down her path and it isn't pretty. It's pathetic. And it also shows me just how gross her lifestyle is...and it shows how much she would never have been...a good girlfriend let's say. And before you go on to defend childhood black and white lives we all wish we led that Jessie's is the opposite of...let me say this about my newfound wisdom that can be argued in simple black and white terms. If we did live in faerieland instead of compromising everything (our morals, our hopes and dreams particularly those regarding our loves) Jessie would be with Tim right now, ne c'est pas? But I would be with Jessie. Tim would be with South Africa girl he loved. She would be with whoever she wanted more than Tim. And someone might be with me who wasn't Jessie...and by the time you do the whole loop everyone is in a single relationship with everyone else who ever lived...and then we're *really* whores.

So I'm not with Jessie...and I'm glad of it. Because it let me move on. I loved Frisch's too. And I couldn't leave it if I'd wanted to...but Martha could fire me. And that let me move on. I liked Sarah...but she didn't feel the same about me...and it let me move on. I've never been one to get sucked back into something I turn my back on. Not Carfy's, not St. Charles...not Chrissy lol...and I didn't even keep...doing things with Jessie...as much as I wanted to...because then I really wouldn't have moved on. And I didn't try to keep my job at Frisch's...because then I wouldn't have moved on. And I wouldn't mind being friends with Sarah. I asked her if we could be...I do like her. But then I had to tell her what happened with Susan. And she might have already decided to not hate me forever for that...'cause she said she missed me...but that doesn't mean she doesn't hate me. She has my email...she has my home phone...and most importantly she has my cell. And I can only assume if none of those tell me otherwise then she doesn't really miss me that much. I miss her, but I can deal. I have other friends...and reasonably limited time to go around as it is. And that's all she'd be if we saw each other again. I mean, she wouldn't want it to be anything else of course, but also I don't think I'd go down that road again given a chance. Jessie and me sort of tried to patch things up...and there was a lot more to salvage there...and one of a million factors that never went away was that she dumped me...for things out of my control...moving to Columbus was slightly more in my control than being 23 is mind you (although if I work hard enough at it I could prolly change my age...to 24 by November at the latest)...and the other reason...in one case the pressure for marriage and crap which I so never pushed for...or even brought up. In the other the crazy drinking...which...ohmigod...I don't even get drunk. Even when I drink. If she'd been around for that she'd have known I wasn't vomiting up firewater like some sort of braindead lunatic. I've only ever been anything that could qualify as drunk twice in my life...in my life. I didn't drink New Year's even. And I went to two parties. And if you think I was the only one sober at both then I obviously forgot to mention Chad was at one but aside from that pretty much yeah. But anyhow, my point was the similarities are there and the last time it was worth it and didn't work. And I know nobody asked if I was getting back with Sarah, and I'm sure she wouldn't let me if I'd wanted to, but this is a place to sort out my thoughts and that was one of them, that I'd never do that again, and I only learned it from experience, that you can't date someone who dumped you. I need more personal experience, a lot of it. I don't know why...I don't know why things can't be perfect and happy the first time around, just once without having to work for it or live through mistakes and crap. But it's true. With Sarah though I hope it isn't too much to ask that we get around to watching a movie or two from that list, and with Michelle I'd like to grab some food from another place or two on our list, and I'd like to show Jessie my life someday still...but I won't die if none of that happens.

But I never believe that sort of stuff and neither does anyone else with a heart. We all want it perfect...that's why my favorite movie is Princess Bride. I want to watch it again...soon. I think I'll promise myself I'll watch it in the next two weeks. It's Rachel's favorite too I think she said...so maybe we can watch it at her place. I'd like to have other people come too. We can have a party! There can be a mess too :) ...so anyhow, we all want it perfect...and I still try to make it perfect when it's up to me...just a little, not a lot...but it doesn't happen. And that's ok. Women are better with just an ounce of pudge, men are better with rough edges I'm told...Dharma teaches us that chunky is better than smooth for peanut butter or just life in general.

I've been spending a lot of time at Rachel's. It's Cortney and Rachel's place of course...but Cortney is never there anymore it seems, just like I'm never here (ie at my parents' house). Rachel has been busy with Jose of course...and I've been busy with Susan and the kids and such. Yes, that's right, we babysat Ashley and Jr...and oh it was not a pretty way to start the year. Went to bed realllllly late after a bunch of games, many of which rocked...hardcore...mostly the cardgames of course. I keep winning at monopoly but everyone quits and acts like it's just a formality and I know some people think they were really ahead and it kills me...I so rock at monopoly...that and rummy...especially rummy...I need to play it with Jessie again. Anyhow Susan is pounding on me (but I got her back! lol) after I had like three hours sleep so I could help her watch the kids. First of all, we have to watch SpongeBob (which ok, actually was ok)...then I realize I hadn't eaten...and we ask if they want some doughnuts...'cause we figure that's easy at least, as awful as it would be...but it turned out they'd already helped themselves to like a pound of pure chocolate for breakfast before either of us was up. Yes, they passed on doughnuts because I guess that would have been too healthy. And then Ashley was actually cheating at games...which was odd...she'd been so honest the night before...almost to a fault. Although she'd gotten into some weird alliance with Susan. I feel awful though...Fred has always been so good to us, and here we are ruining his kids...but then again we tried to clean and they ruined that. So I guess we're even?

I'm probably sounding like an ass earlier going on about things from last year...and worse now going into such detail about that...but what I really want to write about I can't...even though only one person who might read this doesn't know already. It's all big though, you know...this year so far...a lot has been packed into it. The Fiesta Bowl was pretty nice today too. Nothing magical or anything, but about as nice as it gets without it.

But so far I have so few plans for the new year...and I'm relishing it. But I can say I'll be spending a lot of time with Susan in the foreseeable future...Mondays might be game night with Chad...I need regular nights for cards and movies but I will actually set them now...and I will go applying for jobs by the end of the week. I already screwed up Thursday night darts and the Birthright game this year though...that's not good. Oh well, I'll start new games with new people if there's a god. I'm sure this entry sucks but oh well, what else is new

I realize it's the second...but I haven't been around yet to update until now. My family and myself in particular have a lot of tradition, a lot of ritual tied up in these sort of things. And one of those traditions is showering in the morning...I'll finish this later

Well, I'm done sitting here pitying myself for my own mistakes. Cort's right, I need to put it behind me. And who knew I could make "not cheating on people" a resolution. It's a good one but always seemed...unnecessary to bother saying before. See, everything has a silver lining. I think maybe not missing Jessie would be a good resolution but I think I shouldn't try anything I'll fail in two days. Or less. I wish I knew when I was just torturing people. I think sometimes maybe I should just make a graceful exit from a lot of people's lives right about now...I'd miss them...but they'd be happier without me around...and I'd prolly get over it. I'm not drinking tonight I don't think. Something I was saying last night...thinking about Jessie and how that's how it started...it's not a hobby then...it's not part of me...and I'm just going to try stopping it to see what happens...it might not make things easier with some of my friends who drink that were happy I was finally part of that part of their life...but...I don't know...I'm just going to try this for a while...because I know it isn't a problem...but that's no reason not to make sure. Mmm...tonight though I have to have one drink of course, or I'd be turning my back on my whole family, years and years of tradition and civilization as a whole. I think I should prolly give up online journals while I'm at it lol.

Madeleine L'Engle wrote a lot and I didn't read much of it...but one time she gave her own version of the origins of the cosmos...in it flames and shadows danced about in a circle...the shadow consumed the flame and caught fire...the flame consumed the shadow and went out...something like that...everything became what it sought to destroy...everyone becomes what they hate

If you'd ask me even yesterday...even after euchre...up to the last minute...if I would ever cheat on anyone...I would have laughed. It would be about the stupidest question anyone could ask. Anyone could have answered it for me, anyone who knew me. And not only because I would never do anything like that to someone...not only because I wouldn't want to be that sort of person...but because I would never get into a relationship with someone I wasn't crazy about or didn't know I wanted them at least more than anyone else around. And the thing is I want Sarah to be happy and unhurt so much...I care about her as a person...and I want just as badly to be a good person as ever...and I did specifically go after Sarah because I wanted her...and like, her alone. And then I did exactly that.

I don't have any regrets about the relationship...it was doomed. She was never all that interested *to begin with* and women's interest in me wanes over time. There were details. The drinking thing is silly to me, because I don't drink often at all and I'm never really drunk when I do (save three times in my life) except if I'm telling the story later, then I always am...that, sex, and finding money all make stories better...not to mention squishing kitties. I drink sometimes...but I don't like it. I drank to forget Jessie and I'll prolly have a whole entry someday about how she wanted me to drink and would try to get me to and my thoughts as to why...and anyhow, once Sarah 'chose' me I didn't drink again except once (unless you count two beers once but that's not enough for me to feel ***anything***) which was last night...and that was partly because it turned into a party and mostly because I was freaking out about the situation. And this bit about alcohol ran longer than I meant but I guess I have stronger feelings about it than I mean to...it's just...I asked her if she wanted me to stop. And she said no. I'm not a drinker. If the talk had been a talk instead of a break-up (it was already decided so long ago) that part would have been easy. I wouldn't change for anyone, not a friend, not a girl I'd just started dating...but giving up drinking would be like giving up water polo for me or agreeing not to have mushroom on a pizza...I wouldn't mind because I don't care. Anyhow, as much more as I want to say about it my only point is that I guess that it didn't even come up until it was over means we didn't have the best communication.

But who cares...what's really on my mind is Susan. Not for who she is or anything but for what happened. And it's not even just because of Sarah...I feel sick to my stomach about it...I feel like shit...but...I feel scared...I told everyone I didn't know what was wrong with me...and then it happened. For no reason. I wasn't trying to leave Sarah...even though I knew she'd left me before it happened. I wasn't just succumbing to any overgreat passion or anything...I just...I don't know. I want to die. And not out of guilt...even though it helps like you wouldn't believe (and I know Sarah doesn't really care all that much, I think it was just the initial shock...I mean she's the one who dumped me so it's not like she was still hung up on me)...just because I don't want to keep being whatever it is I am now. I can't undo what I did...you can't uncheat. It doesn't bother me that Sarah can't forgive me yet because we didn't have a relationship to salvage even if she had as much as it bothers me that I can't forgive myself. And that I don't understand. I want to never have this happen again. I'm scared. Jessie said "once a cheater always a cheater". And she took it harder when she cheated on me than I did...she said she didn't know what was wrong with her...that she didn't know what she was doing or something...I don't know, it's all fuzzy anymore. But it makes sense now. And I think those were real tears, not some act. And it's sick it sounds like I'm thinking about her again now...but...that's just it...she's who I'm scared I've become. And I don't want to be that. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to not know why I do things.

And I don't want a third girlfriend any time soon. Or any time near it. I just want to recover and fix myself. I think I told someone I was just going to be a whore after Sarah dumped me for a while. I don't think so though. Right now I can't even think about touching anyone. Or eating. I haven't done much of that...or much of sleeping lately either. But I do want to be single. Single and alone and as untouched as I can be. I want everyone to forgive me...but I want to do something to earn it. And I don't know what it is I could do. I don't. I just. Tim called me...and I told him to talk to Sarah 'cause she was crying when I left her...and he called me back afterward...and asked if I was doing anything tomorrow...he said somethign about me him and chris hanging out...and I kept saying I was sorry but he just kept offering his sympathy and telling me it was ok...like I was the victim. Even the people who usually yell at me on a regular basis seemed to think there was nothing wrong or something...it was creepy. How can nothing be wrong? I cheated on someone...someone I liked a lot...who hadn't done anything to me

There aren't words for how sick to my stomach I am...and how much I hate myself and wish I wasn't me

I've rewritten this entry about ten times so I feel I've invested too much to say nothing now. But everything I say doesn't help and doesn't generally come out quite right. So I will wait until she dumps me tonight, then celebrate the joy of ending an old year totally free of jobs or girls or anything. I should probably go to Tori's exclusively this year, so I don't end up seeing anyone who works at 151. Maybe if I'm lucky there's a reason

Date:	2003-12-30 02:47
Subject:	Not ready
Security:	Public
Mood:	scared

I'm not ready...I'm a child...and I need to quit now, save her the trouble, and save everyone a lot of grief. This was a bad time to stop working...I don't do well with this sort of free time all at once all out of nowhere...I have no clue why I thought I wanted it. I hate myself, and not as much as I should

Sarah hates herself. And if there's one thing I learned from my last relationship (if I didn't say it this is a relationship now) it's that it's "not about me" as Jessie put it. Well, she said "you" but she was talking to me you see...and brackets are so disruptive so I left them out. But it still doesn't seem ok...you know, that everyone hates themselves and just generally is unhappy when they're with me. I don't know...she seems happy when I'm *with* her I mean...and I try to tell myself not to worry about it...but worrying is what I do. And I know it isn't fun...worrying about what's going to make me worry...Jessie always freaked out about it...and I begged her not to worry about it...but she could no more stop worrying about my worrying than I could stop worrying in the first place, it's what we did. I don't know. I'm so not cut out for this. I wasn't cut out for the last one and somehow if anything I'm even worse now.

I cost Sarah one of her best friends...just by being lucky enough not to be the one hurt. I mean, I don't know...he still calls me...he seems ok...I think Linda helped him get over her for a minute...and who knows, Linda could turn into something permanent, you never know. But I guess things will always be weird between them. I mean, he can never unsay what he said and maybe he's just embarrassed around her? I don't know. But for some reason I guess their friendship isn't the same right now. I mean, these things heal sometimes, it hasn't been long at all...a lot of the best friends I have now I spent years on bad terms with...or not talking to just 'cause we both forgot to keep in touch. And friendships change, you make new friends, especially when you make a big transition like high school to college and such or to a new job or whatever. I mean, I hope things work out...Tim and Chris tell me they sort of got over their deal...and that will still never be anything perfect but that had a lot more substance than this about why they didn't get along. But like I told Chris when he was freaking a little about "everyone" hating him. Don't give up on them if you don't want to...but Jesus...there are a million other people out there and if the ones you were hanging out with play too many power games with you or are crap or flat out turn their backs on you...you will find better people out there, new friends, and it won't be a big one. Ok, now I'm way off subject...I think I'm just trying to avoid putting on my shoes. Plus I'm trying to let my phone charge all the way before I go. Not that I could talk to anyone because some people don't carry their cells or are busy or *cough, cough* can't be bothered to go cash in their gift card for minutes ;)

I don't know...I'm feeling better about this stuff now. Maybe just 'cause I'm only thinking about some old situations of mine that are already fixed now. I think I don't feel like driving all the way out to Tori's...Sarah would like to meet her...but Tori can come up here some time...or if we're driving down we can do it another day when nothing else is going on. I don't feel like dealing with some of their stuff anyhow...and there's always a chance some of them will be doing things we don't approve of...lol. Cortney needs to not go there....and so does Tori. Oh well. Oh crud...my shoes still aren't on

So yeah...I just saw the hamster for "ecstatic"...and took him down...what is with these hamsters? They are all weird and don't quite match the emotions they're supposed to. Oh well...I like ham-hams but I think I so have to change all the formatting and junk on my journal sometime. I also need to take down all my old Jessie entries before they institutionalize me. We're supposed to be hitting the cheesecake factory today around 4:30...and I was woken up at 1 or 2 with this info...apparently this is the big get together nobody was quite sure when to expect. My dad and his brother (who's idea this is) have called their mom and sister and other brother...and their mom is the only one they got hold of so I guess the others just won't ever know about it. That's one thing I really hate about them, they can't plan even the simplest things...I guess that's why I'm so anal about plans...my own little rebellion or whatever. Anyhow I've never been to cheesecake factory so I'm looking forward to it. Except I can't swing by and see Sarah at work if I'm there...but plenty of time for that later...and besides the less I bug her the less likely she'll notice she's getting tired of me already...oooh...guess who just signed on...

Oh, it was the best day ever! OK, so I say that a lot, but it happens a lot. It's not my fault God loves me!

Ok, first of all...well...I got up in my own time I guess is first of all...that's always a big plus...when I wake up earlier than I want or sleep past something I didn't want to miss...it's horrible. And I never really recover all day and I'm cranky and bitchy and whiny and a hundred other synonyms. Anyhow I sat around here and got myself together...it was laundry day pretty universally from what I could tell...and then I found a Verizon store to get Sarah back a few of those minutes I keep hogging. And it's a good thing to 'cause on my way back she ran out...and I don't need her having an excuse to ignore me. ;) She got me a gas card...which is the perfect gift, of course, as gas is my vice and driving is what I do. Which also reminds me, somebody needs to make sure I get an oil change...I've been meaning to for a few thousand miles but I'm not that good at actually going and getting it done apparently 'cause it's yet to happen. oh, anyhoo, about the verizon store my main thing in bringing it up is I drove all the way up to the mall, parked by Lazarus and California pizza kitchen...go a quarter mile from my car to get inside where I find the store on the map and it is in U10 so I look at the map...it's upstairs and on the exact opposite far end...literally, I even had to cross to the other side again. Cortney took me to the mall the other day (but at the time I didn't know Sarah had verizon so obviously did not get this out of the way) and we marveled at its scale but actually going across it I noticed two things...it doesn't suck (seriously, the kids were enjoying themselves on the little playgrounds, everyone was happy, and I'm not sure why but there were no traffic accidents despite all the random pedestrians) and it is one hell of a big mall. I used to walk to and around campus all day and this place is like...huge! And ok, I'm exaggerating, but it's a crappy story and if I don't add the bit about the mirages I saw and asking passers-by for just a sip from their canteen and the camel who saved my life who would listen? Oh, anyhoo, then I grabbed Sarah and...you know, the gas card was a good gift and all but it so pales in comparison to the real one, the gift of her. Of course that one I can't keep or barter with but it's still enjoyable. And we hit Kohl's and Target. It was soooooo boring, or so she tells me. I wasn't really paying all that much attention but she swore I was bored to tears and I'm sure she wouldn't lie. But it was fun sorting through shades of pink and such and then of all the weird luck we went through John's line. And 1) I didn't look up so I almost missed him and 2) he isn't a cashier. He works at the fotohut (photo lab thingy). He was one of the nicest people in the whole store and I always considered him a friend. I vaguely remember deciding at the end he didn't care for me terribly but I can't remember where I got the idea...anyhow nobody at that job except Rachel was really a friend and even her I *never* hung out with outside of work. Of course we both worked together so much it would have been insane...it was already just the two of us a good 20 some hours a week minimum. And we sort of recycled arguments about each others' religion and such...more than familiar but not really quite a friend. Anyhow, I guess John quit the photo thingy cause they didn't give him enough hours...and as I recall a few years back (God, I can't believe they all still remember me) he explained to me that he didn't work for Target...see, Target paid me to make Taco Bell...but like, Kodak or somebody paid him to develop pictures at Target in a Target uniform. So it was just coincidence he applied to work in the same building he'd been in all these years. Mmmm...I'm rambling. Maybe I want to talk about something but can't? Could be. What is it with secrets? I can't handle them. Like I want everyone to know about my wife in Mexico but they just couldn't handle it. Oh well. Ooooh, screw it, I'm telling. Ok, so when I went with Cortney to Kohl's they had these Seussyfish like from One Fish, Two Fish...and well, I wanted one...but they cost too much I figured...well, they were $5! $5! I shouldn't say this because people I give them to could read this but they give $5 to charity when you buy one and they cost $5...and you get $10 for every $50 you spend....I almost got ten on my own but instead I stuck with just the ones I'd got to make Sarah's total hit $50. Sometimes I just almost explode I get so excited! Anyhow I'm picking up the entry again now and it's later. When I got home from Sarah's (after she bought me dinner!) my Uncle was pulling into the driveway. It was a really nice surprise...he was supposed to be coming up yesterday or today or tomorrow or so (Dad's side of the family aren't planners really)...but it did sort of distract me when I could have called Sarah. And by the time I could have gotten away (which I really couldn't have) it was 10:30 and she'd said I shouldn't call there after 10 so I thought, eh, she's put up with me enough for one day. Plus house phones make me much more nervous than cells do. And any phone makes me pretty nervous. So anyhoo, they reminisced about the olden days...which is awesome because if you know the saga that has been my Uncle John this was pretty special...and they did their musicky thing...and then we got to play Euchre. Ohmigod...if there is one thing I enjoy it is Euchre. And oh it was a good game. I don't cheat or anything, I so don't, but my uncle started wondering about it when I dealt myself a loner. But Mom dealt me one too...and I dealt her one in the last game. And anyhow it was all good...a lot of fun...some homemade peanut brittle, pictures and stuff...and it ended...get this...in the tiebreaker third game at 9 points each (me and Dad vs, him and Mom...and btw they had gotten to 8 while we were still sitting on 3...and the first two games were darned close too...in fact we lost the first one literally because my Dad had a queen and Uncle John had a king)...we split the first four tricks...me and Mom played crap and then Uncle John plays the king and Dad has an Ace this time...oh my God...Euchre does not get closer than that people! I am so glad we had a fourth finally too. I hope I get to play again at Rachel's thingymabobber. I hope Tori cancels and Cortney comes and I don't have to drive to Brice and back to say hi. We'll see.

Oh, it was a good day. Oh yes it was. Ok, let's go in chronologicallish order, not much happened, but that was good too.

I saw my Paul today...he rocks. And I missed him. I try to think I don't during those long Paulless droughts but I so do. I woke up planning on seeing him in the morning really quick and then heading over to Cortney's to trade gifts and such. Well, I woke up a little noonisher than morning...and Dad fixed some blueberry pancakes...which I believe Mom actually made the other day so he just had to cook them...and they rocked. I doused them in 1) butter, which I never do 2) maple syrup and 3) a ridiculous amount of powdered sugar...normally it's one or the other and less of whichever it is. And Dad was playing on the phone but then Garry called and cancelled lunch like I knew he would but rescheduled for Monday around 3ish which I'm far more optimistic about. Siam is so good, but it's too bad he wants to miss the lunch buffet. Anyhow he hangs up and the phone rings. And I think he's calling back. And it's Paul, and he wants to swing by and get me so I grab my shoes real quick and run to grab my money and we're off. Things seem to happen like that with us...very haphazard. Not usually so fast but I guess we have enough practice now it'd be pretty pathetic otherwise. So anyhow we run around Easton on a few quick errands and then hit Burger King and head to Sondra's which I had never been to before. It was cool. Tiny little place...but filled to the brim with cool crap. A couple of Christmas trees and Marvin the Martian stuff and some wrapping paper which reminds me...she is the best wrapper on earth! Or Mars prolly lol come to think either. And Paul had just gotten SoulCalibur2 or something and it rocks hardcore...we played it to death...we even did like half the game on quest mode just so I could have my Sophitia. But she so isn't the same. Alas. This game gives her a kid sister too btw. And I did finally remember how to work Sophitia's main move I used to win with at least...it's so simple too, backward and horizontal swing. I think that was it. Oh well. Cassandra seems to be a better fighter. Hopefully they both get better weapons and outfits though. I'm so pathetic though, there are a couple dozen other chars and I think I played about none. It was fun though..."namu namu namu" and "taste this" are two phrases I shall not soon forget. And Paul was talking to the game and it talked back...I dunno. But the best thing about the whole time I was there is that Sarah called and you know, I looked at the phone when she hung up and I knew it had been a little while but it had been an hour and a half...and I so hadn't noticed. Paul and Son were just playing by themselves the whole time and a whole movie (timewise) went by...and I can't sit through movies...and the time had just flown by. Nothing big, no divine revelations or anything but it made me happy. She says she's bringing me some sort of gifts or something...but I have vowed to make her regret it if she does. Which reminds me, I dared her to and she has vowed to try to scare me off...or something to that effect (hey, this was several hours ago, I've got some beer in me and while it was a good hour and a half I was also watching the game from time to time ;) ). Prolly not good things either one in theory, but I ain't a-feared. She *will* both be sorry if she tries to outgift me and *will* fail to scare me off. If there's one thing I am, it is stubborn, and I am never wrong (or so I stubbornly insist). :) Anyhow I'll see her tomorrow around 3ish or so...if I wake up of course. And I have other stuff to talk about...and since she's the main person who reads this and she already knows that I should try to move on...

Ok, so Sondra. She's cool, I do like her...she makes chocolates and such which makes her rock. But it is funny...she has stories I've even heard before that Paul doesn't want her to tell all of a sudden...like one's about penises she used to know and such. I guess I understand...but it was so sudden...and odd. For Paul that is...for anyone else less odd. For him, odd. Oh well. Anyhow, they make an awesome couple and I really do root for them...it is so freaky though to think if Paul ends up with her that Matt had her first though. I mean, when I met her she was heavier...but about 150-200 pounds of it was Matt. It is so good for her *and* Paul that they found each other again though weird as it was 'cause Matt sucks and Paul doesn't and neither does Son...it seems so simple, ne? Anyhow< I'm tired and I meant to make a point but I think I didn't...they were fun though and they didn't make me feel like a third wheel. And then we hit TacoBell/PizzaHut. Now, I should tell everyone that yes, these things do always happen to me...but yes, they happen about 100 times as often to me-and-Paul. Ask us about crazy shaving guy sometime, it's a classic. Or something else but I'm not the memory whiz I once was so stick to that one for now. Anyhow this woman with about a thousand tattoos is telling us about how she had over $300 in her pocket once and lost it. Then she told another story eerily similar. And another where it was $350. Now, this won't be funny, 'cause you had to be there and you weren't...but she was so chatty and we weren't in a huge hurry so I told her the quick version of how I lost my gold ring (which in my story I appraised at $800). She said she'd done that too. And then Paul had a story of doing the same. Anyhow, this woman had lost a lot of money because apparently she had a hole in her pocket, forgot, and had to take over $300 with her to pay her bills. Hmm...so she rings me up and I get a pepperoni pizza, nachos and a chili cheese burrito. And she says I'm a man after her own heart and mentions how she likes chili cheese burritos but with sour cream. I don't use sour cream though 'cause it costs like an extra 50 cents and I used to get it free at work (umm...I mean I paid for it if anyone from Target's corporate office reads this). Anyhow, I tell her I remember when they used to call them chilitos...'cause I do, I nostalgize, I get off on it. Paul adds that he heard that they changed the name because people thought chilitos meant penis. Which, ok, people said, but they say that about all vaguely foreign or constructed words. They say that or they say it means blowjob. Same diff. Anyhow, the moment he says penis she goes silent. At first I didn't notice even. It was weird. But then anyhow the next customer comes in and she laughs and says it'll be $946 instead of $9.46 and gets off on it and the lady just tries to pay and she is like "woo, this lady was willing to pay $946 for her soft tacos...damn dave, check this out" or something. Anyhow after we left Paul told me (since I'd hit the head as soon as we got in and missed it) that she'd done the same thing to the guy before us in line and that he had no idea why we were spared the humor of the whole thing. Just odd. That anything would happen in a taco bell. Not a great story, but just one example of what happens during those moments to me and Paul when ordinary people would just get tacos...you have to sort of extrapolate the whole thing out to get the rest of it. And then we hit Cortney's...sat around and BSed and reminisced about old times...it was a lot of fun...we stayed longer than we were meant to and certainly longer than Cortney wanted us there since she needed sleep...and then we hit Gabby's...and I whupped Paul at darts...but then he won the last game...which was pathetic because I have better darts and a lot more practice...but I'd also had a lot more beer. And it was only one pitcher of Bud Light...between us...just so everyone knows. He only had about two cups 'cause he was driving...and that was on a very very very full stomach over several hours. And I had the rest on a fuller stomach. We are going to do that again sometime though...and I love darts...and I wish there was a place to play that wasn't a bar 'cause I hate that I can't take anyone under 21 really. That was another thing about Christmas...I should really write more about gifts and such but oh welll, later...anyhow though Cortney is the only one who got me a card...and it mentioned alcohol was never the answer or something...and see, that so brings me back to my last entry. She's silly to worry, but I have people like that in my life who do, and that's a good thing. Even if they are silly. I dropped off two presents today...'cause I'm tardy like that...Cortney's I thought was perfect and she was happy...and then Rachel's...she ran up and hugged me and I was so happy...'cause I was really going out on a limb there and just had an ounce of hope I got something she wouldn't hate...especially since I forgot to wait for a receipt so...yeah, I *hope* they liked everything...even if I can't get them everything they deserve

Jessie was someone I loved as much as anyone can love another human being. And I wasn't the only one. More people have left shreds of their hearts confettied about her bed than probably anyone else in history. She's only had a couple dozen sex partners and relationships that I know of, but almost every single one of them has become obsessed with her to a frightening degree. I barely escaped that fate. Everyone's seen what I can be like when I get going on the topic of my ex. But it's nothing. She told me she'd cheated on me with some 17 year old back home. She said everyone there said the two of them were meant to be or something. So when she mentioned her little "yumyum" she'd hoped to acquire there I thought "oh, I wonder if that's the kid she screwed around with when she was with me"...but I didn't care much, what difference would it make. Well, all of a sudden someone is commenting in her lj about what a whore she is. And one of her friends comments on how they're 16 and should get a grip. It could be him. It could be anyone. That's just it. Even before we went out she told me she was going to put up posters at all the local high schools advertising that she was a college age woman looking for sex. From anyone. And everyone. I thought at the time she was joking.

And her friends stand up for her. And you think "that's what friends do"...she says "I don't have any std's" (and she doesn't...thank someone) and that's true *right now* but she isn't careful...and she sees the phone book more as a challenge than a helpful tool. I know she isn't careful. If I haven't mentioned it before the first night I spent with her that involved...nakedness and such...involved me mentioning condoms and her *crying* (which she does so well) and saying I thought she was a dirty whore. After I thought it was settled I laid down. We started kissing again, I was glad she'd recovered from thinking I thought she was a whore...and a few minutes later I found out I wasn't a virgin (by most definitions)...which shocked me...because I hadn't known we were doing anything. But anyhow I mean, she pretty much insisted. And I know a little more about her history than that one night revealed. And...I was her friend too. And she can blind you. But her friends don't want to know. They are in fact whores too. Lindsay is worse than Jessie in most ways. But Lindsay...has her own issues...that don't scare me...and more importantly that I don't give a fuck about. The thing is...Jessie...whatever other factors contributed to what she's become...is caught in a sort of bloodletting ritual. Or so my theory goes. I don't spell this out as often or as seriously or as publicly as I think it...but it's in my head. And...in what is far from my defense...I held this theory...before I ever agreed to be hers.

There was this girl once. A scared and weak and pathetic one. One who had this insane hope all of a sudden though. Out of nowhere after a series of pathetic and fucked up relationships not worth numbering and the worst series of misfortunes a little girl can suffer at home a savior appeared. His name was Tim. And his town, more importantly was Cincinnati. Where she'd come from in simpler more innocent times...which is always appealing. And he seemed so sweet...so smart...so handsome...so perfect. And somehow he loved her. And she trusted him. And he hurt her. And she trusted him, and he hurt her. And she summoned up every last thread of a soul left in her. And he rent it asunder. And he cast her aside. Out of nowhere. They'd fought of course, things got bad at the end. And there'd been hurt on both sides. But it still never made sense to her. He'd cheated on her and cast her aside. And so she started doing the same thing to every single man she could. Like how 85 cent man repeats the tip left at his childhoold bedside. Playing it out as some spectacular drama.

Her friends asked this child who trusted her...asked him mockingly..."what? did you think you two were getting married? people get together...people break up"...well, they were quoting her directly...and, in their defense none of them have dated her...but it's the first thing she says to someone once she starts to date them...she says she wants to marry them. I could try to say "she said that to me" and act like it was special...pretend. But I know better. It doesn't mean anything, nothing good or bad about *me* or them either...just that we're all pawns to her. Actors to reenact something she could never understand but with her as the villain in hopes she would somehow understand him and what he did to her. But they don't want to know her. They don't want to fix her. They are simply enablers of the sickest psychosis I could ever imagine. They are her support and they don't try to do what's best for her, just what makes them look best. Except Katy with a y maybe but so what, she's barely in her life at all. And she's not exactly great. Just less in the herd. And...lol, speaking of her...I defended Jessie once...against an anonymous post...which I actually...despite talking as if it were not the case here...believe all come from her...and mentioned the grammar being flawed. Katy told me I was a fuckhole for talking about grammar (or so Jess told me). And here Lindsay used the "redneck"'s grammar as further proof they sucked.

There's something wrong with someone who supports their so-called best friend being a whore...encouraging them to be nothing more than a glorified (or worse yet disgraced) vibrator of sorts. There's something wrong too with the girl who surrounds herself with those people too though. Jessie knows better. I know she does. And if she has the wherewithal to surround herself with these carefully selected fuckholes then she knows why and knows how fucked up it is. The thing is she wants to make this some sort of gender war...when really it's about assholes and innocents...and here she is screwing over innocents...and joining the assholes.

And the funniest part of the whole thing is the irony. Jessie is still the weakest girl on earth. And I'm not saying I'm strong. I'm not. But she is the exact opposite and she hates herself for that weakness that let her get hurt so desperately she treats it as an enemy in herself or others. She thinks though, the stupidest thing ever...that it is weakness that lets someone stop themselves from moving on. She called this anonymous boy weak for being attached to what he had and for talking to her or whatever. When she's the one who gets scared and runs away. She asked me in one of her rare honest moments...although even it was played for effect...how I could do it...how I kept coming back for more no matter how many times she beat me back...no matter how badly she hurt me...no matter how much she said it was over. And it was pathetic, it was pointless, she was right to ask "where's your pride?"...and moreover I'm lucky it was unsuccessful...but it was about the bravest thing I've ever done for one. It hurt each time more than the last. And nothing in my life has hurt as much as the first time. No two things combined come close. And I kept walking into it. She beat me back and like a drunken Tom Cruise I just sort of ignored the pain and walked right back into it. And she didn't understand how. Because she's too weak to stand up for anything. She clung to him when he left. But she didn't fight it. She called it pride. But it was being pathetic. It was being so scared of admitting her own pain that she'd rather wear a mask. But wearing a mask is second nature to her if it isn't first. So it's no big deal.

But I'm done psychoanalyzing her. I'm done dying for her. I'm done wishing she had the breaks I had. Wishing her friends weren't shit. Wishing she was happy. Caring. It's not doing anyone any good...not her and certainly not me. I'm going to admit what I never could before...that it is a good thing she left. And I may have said it before...but if I did I was just trying to get someone off my back...I didn't mean it. Now I do. Jessie was a mistake. And she undid herself for me. And now my life is better. Not that it wasn't before her either. I have the best friends on earth. They joke, but the truth is they seriously are concerned about me going to jail...they worry about me...they question my motives...and they tell me to my face when I fuck up. They don't run my life as much as I act like they try to...but they don't let me run it wrong. Or let me accidentally do so anyhow...after they tell me I'm wrong they'll let me do it...they just hope I don't. Sometimes I forget how much everyone rocks. They do though. Paul, my best friend who gets me so well even if I never see him...Cortney, my best friend who is there for me no matter what...and there are a lot of whats sometimes (sorry :( )...Rachel, my favorite manage...oh wait, not anymore...well...one of my favorite people on earth anyhow...Susan, my old 'Cincinnati girlfriend' who is about to morph into another one of my Columbus friends (or so I assume, you never know, sometimes people write me off)...and who I'm moving in with whether she knows it or not (hey, she has an extra bedroom, why waste it?) jk...and those are just the people I saw today. And there are a lot of my friends I don't see as often as I'd like...but it's not a big deal...the point is when I do...and sometimes when I don't...they're the ones looking out for me. And I try to look out for them. Maybe, even though I can be an ass and ignore the best advice, maybe I make everyone think it's ok to tell me when I'm wrong...and maybe she doesn't. Maybe, and I might just be feeding my own ego here but hey why not, maybe she deserves the worst friends ever because she refuses to have any other kind...and maybe I deserve better...or why else would I have them?


*and yes, that was rhetorical before any smartasses get ideas* :)

So yeah, I normally panic a lot about what I get somebody...I panic, until I work myself into a standstill. I remember one year a loooong time ago I spent a solid week shopping for Mom's birthday and didn't find anything I thought was good enough and in the morning thought I could still go try one more time and didn't want to say like "happy birthday" to her 'cause I thought that would lead to it coming out that I hadn't found anything yet and I was hoping she wouldn't notice until I had a chance to find something good...I mean, people hold out to make things a surprise all the time, I've seen it on tv. And she cried. Actually cried. She said she'd thought I'd forgotten. And still...I dunno. I don't always know everything everyone already owns and I would so be humiliated if I got them something they already had. I'm paranoid in general but gifts just seem to really bring it out. I got Chad something decent...but he's easy...and frankly I wasn't all that sure it was good when I got it but I was in a hurry because he was leaving town for the season a few short hours after I bought it (which actually made it much easier for me...I mean...I knew I didn't have time to find better...it was just Secret Santa...and as much as I love Chad he's not like my best friend or someone I've even known all that long). Sarah was a toughie, I mean, for one thing I hardly know her...for another thing I really like Hello Kitty...and there's something about Hello Kitty that screams "I think you're a child" which I really try to avoid because sometimes she actually thinks I think that, which I don't, and also says I think she'd actually like it, and I know she wouldn't but I do...for another thing anything that isn't crappy might seem like...like I was trying to buy her or something...I don't know how much of an exemption you get on holidays though I'm sure there is one but women don't like extravagant gifts especially from the unemployed especially in...this sort of situation. So anyhow I couldn't find any of the things I was looking for...so I swallowed my pride and settled for getting her crappy stuff. And she was so sweet about it, saying she'd save the little notes on them...but it's not like she didn't *know* it was crap and I still feel crappy. I wanted to get her Bob the Tomato and a phone card with more minutes...those aren't special but at least they don't suck...and I failed...I wrapped whistle pops...it would have been less humiliating but her whole family was there since somehow her stepbrother let me in when I was trying to wait outside. And now not only does she think I got her nothing but candy, hello kitty paraphrenalia, lip related and shaving related crap and such, but **they** all *really* think there's something wrong with me...oh well, cheers to first impressions.

We tried to have some sort of Christmas sleep-over or something...I was confused as to how it all happened except at one someone said it would be a good idea so we did it. It was the worst Christmas sleep-over ever! I don't know how many there have been but ok, first of all Rachel was not set on sleeping...and I know it's normally me so I have no room to complain or whatever...but c'mon, it was ridiculous. So at one point she's making seal noises and I'm crying and Cortney and Randin are trying to kill themselves or something and we didn't even have marshmallows for the s'more machine! I almost brought some too, I actually saw some when I was at the store and thought "these will come in handy" but Paul was already making fun of the amount of pure sugar I'd bought so eh. Randin is such a sweetheart...he needs music to sleep but turns it off if anyone complains...he starts people's cars...he does whatever anyone asks of him. It's scary kinda. I dunno, like I said I didn't get much sleep so oh well, I'm sure I'm saying stupid stuff that will come back to bite me in the ass any second now.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

1. Sarah...because I'm incredibly dull and unoriginal :) ummm...Exhibit A? ...no wait, 'the prize'? 'cause I keep my eye on you and 'cause 'the competition' is all about winning you over? Has anyone thought of "Bunny"? or "Loved"? Last time (I just now looked it up) I said "Rog's ex" or "trail mix" but I don't like the first one anymore, not even worth wasting the memory cells...but trail mix is good. "Gorp" I guess then fits as well. Or wait...Cutie McCutenstein? No, that's gay and cheesy. Which is more me than it is you. Ooh o0h!!! Dessert girl!!! Oh, that one is perfect! =)
2. I was in your way...in early October
3. Oh my, here's someone whose way I should stay out of so she doesn't hurt me
4. No, now I desperately enjoy getting in your way and stuff
5. Hahaha, me! :) No...it has to be yorks...or insecurity...or some deeper and more disturbing psychosis you mark beneath a facade of insecurity...I'm not really sure yet. It could be indecisiveness though...or wait...maybe that's me...I don't know. Kryptonite? Oh well, I'll find it soon enough and then you'll be completely under my power.
6. I do! :) And so do sweaty necklaces and internet journals and peppermint patties and art and such. And snow. And anything goofy and interesting and unique and ebaumsworld typically does too. And Matrix and Last Samurai...
7. Feeling rejected, being a minor, having to pay long distance fees to call someone just because he's too lazy to get a new cell phone number, umm...people making you jealous, being smothered, being talked about behind your back, being forced to make the move...
8. I think of you when I pass hotels...motels...when I see campy t-shirts or pass through Worthington...when they have yorks at restaurants...when they don't...when I see Chinese food...when I touch myself (j/k)...when I see Kelli's coat and have to explain to people how to tell the difference because apparently the untrained eye can't...when people tell me I need to see the other two matrix movies...or I talk about LOTR...I dunno, stuff like that, just little stuff I guess
9. A better boyfriend lol (not that you have one now mind you)...umm...peace of mind? Two million dollars...and then I'd ask if I could have one. ;) Hahaha, lessons! No but really, a talking tomato, I have been combing the city and begging places to special order one and I have finally given up.
10. Not all that well :(
11. Midnight of course
12. No
13. Yes
14. Cute...and crazy..."cuzy" or "crate" maybe?
15. Absolutely...and you'd nod and say "right" every two seconds while I said it ;)
16. Oh God yes...except terrified more than nervous
17. Yes, and I'd be thrilled about it
18. Happy about it...prolly not comfortable...but that's a good thing
19. Yes, yes I am

(the questions for those of you replying here are as follows)
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. When and how did we first meet?
3. What was your first impression?
4. Do you still think that way about me now?
5. What do you think my weakness is?
6. What makes me happy?
7. What makes me sad?
8. What reminds you of me?
9. If you could give me anything what would it be?
10. How well do you know me?
11. When's the last time you saw me?
12. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
13. Do you think I could kill someone?
14. Describe me in one word.
15. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
16. Do I make you nervous?
17. Would you let me stay with you if I needed somewhere to go?
18. Would you be comfortable being alone with me?
19. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?

mm...one more day, only two more left until Christmas officially begins...I want so badly to find something perfect with every gift I buy it's so tough...I thought Tim might read Ender's Shadow but I needed to find him his own copy and couldn't everywhere I tried...so I sort of went to loan him a copy and was going to get him another when I found it...which is crappy...but I mean, it's not Christmas yet...if it wasn't signed I would have wrapped that very copy...but it's good I didn't because he was so disgusted by the attempt. I don't know what else to get him...Ender's Game was an interest of his...and umm...he's Asian...and works at Frisch's...he likes pool I guess...and Linda...hmm...maybe I can get Linda and Susan to move in together then Tim can have that around. He needs a fake ID...I guess I could look into that. I still need to buy stuff for umm...Vanessa, Tim of course, Sarah, Cort, Rach, Sarah, Dad, the dogs, Sarah, maybe some trinkets for Joe or Jen (but she won't be back for a while, yeay extra time) or Michelle or Amy, Sarah, then there's Wes, Garry, and of course Sarah. There really aren't as many people on my list as I was thinking there would be. And Chad and Mom are already taken care of. Chad was thrilled. Mom will be. That's worth it. Vanessa is tough to buy for too...I mean I should get her something we didn't get her on her birthday and that she couldn't knit herself...and that doesn't leave much right there. I'm thinking of getting Jen flavored condoms. I realize she already feels I'm more Chad's friend than hers, but Chad doesn't call me a retard and make fun of my Mom. And it would be funny honestly...and what else should I get her really? I already spent more than enough money on them as it is. Wes already told me he didn't get me anything so I could write him off fairly easily...except he's a December birthday and I still owe him for that. And I never see Garry anymore so who knows, I doubt I'll get him anything. All I know abotu Cort is she has enough jeans...I need to find her something nice though. Rach prolly didn't get me anything but I want to get her something...I don't know what though for her either. I am such a blank, I suck. Maybe I should get Tori something this year, there's always a first time. Joe rocks but what would I get him either except something silly? I owe Michelle lunch and Amy the rest of her tip (Susan says she only left her $2 or something...I so didn't mean for that to happen) and that's really more than enough. So Wes's birthday whiskey, flavored condoms for Jen (that don't expire before September 18th just in case she wasn't kidding), buy Michelle lunch and give Amy a few bucks, and think of something for a bunch more people. And for God's sake find the things I already thought of and can't find but can't mention here for people who might read this...Joe Vanessa Tim Cort Rach Dad the dogs and Sarah are still on this list. Ooh...and Tori. And Susan. Ok, so about 5 things to get or do plus 10 people to find things for...that should keep me busy enough. Although I should get something for Paul...I may only be graced by his presence a few times a year but he's still Paul.

Also, I think Dad managed to fix the phone, I guess the battery just got scooted a nanometer out of place or something (?)...oh well, yeay to that.

It's always Sunday. Always. Jessie started on a Sunday...ended on a Sunday. The best day ever, when Torria threw us that pizza party...that was a Sunday. When I came in to Frisch's and saw Rachie and sat at C5 and filled out my application and gave it to Mark...and Martha I think was there too...and so was Vanessa...and then there was the party at Cort and Rach's...all that was a Sunday. And today was Sunday too.

It's funny really, everything always works out just like it's supposed to...it always does...always. And I always get what I want...it sounds horrible but I do...and I have to remember that...both so I can be thankful...and so I can be careful what I wish for lol ;). I told Rachel I didn't want to work there more than three months when we were talking about the job at Max & Erma's over potato skins and oreo shakes. And yesterday...Saturday yesterday that is...if I'm not mistaken marked three months since my start date.

And the thing is it was the best job ever...it really was...I even used to make ok money at it. And the people are awesome there. They really are. But Nicole's gone, Nicky's gone, Shannon's gone, Amy and Kelli are off of nights and Michelle is down to one shift a week or something I think on nights...Tim says he's quitting even if I doubt it...Joe's leaving...and I mean, as far off as it might be Chad and Jen's days there are numbered...and Sarah won't stay much longer. And I can see everyone who does outside of work...or even at it...if they're really my friends anyhow (although really I needed them enough it didn't matter if they were really my friends or not for a while there...I'm ok now and ready to deal with reality). Martha says she's looking for another job btw too. She also said Eloy was getting fired or something and that she shouldn't have said anything. But that was such BS bc in her version she was the one who thought he should keep his job and "they" were the ones who wanted to take it when everyone else seems to think she's the one who goes on about his "coups" or whatever. Then again I said I could pretend I'd never heard her say it so who knows if what people say is true or not ;).

I've been talking about leaving for a while now anyhow...I mean, "when I leave" is how I start a lot of conversations there. It's how we all do. And I really might have just stayed there forever if they'd let me...and we all know how horrible a fate that would have been. I promised tomatojuice I'd be there tonight, but oh well. He'll have Steve to keep him company tonight and prolly Martha too. For a long time...because Steve will have to do back line, all of it prolly since he doesn't check side work...wrap each individual dish from the salad bar and throw out the melons...vacuum the whole store...and roll any silverware that's left. He might still be there now lol. I've been there before...and I'd feel for him, but I know he genuinely doesn't care...I've closed with him before. I know I'm missing a few things...but it was just such a perfect time to leave. And on a Sunday...with a whole week scheduled out for me...I don't just not have to work next week, I have the holidays off without even asking...I know what days I would have been trapped there and I will celebrate each one of them. And now my job hunt...because I was already thinking about other jobs...can expand to jobs that don't have to fit into my Frisch's schedule. I am so not looking forward to anything stuffy or officey though. I'm just not. Anyhow I'm rambling and it's a great story all day about today but it'll keep.

Some highlights though. Getting to work 15 minutes early...having Martha shout to me her approval of my being on time...having Kelli play me so I'd take her tables and making Mandie hug me so I'd take hers. Martha telling me to stop touching Rachel. Martha tripping me and me apologizing. Her telling me I cared more about getting my own food than getting "her" customers theirs. Me asking for her card so I could clock back in from break in order to clock out. Her telling me she was going to call the cops if I went back to get my stuff.

But it was so perfect...somehow Sarah was free and I got to see her tonight. We went to see Last Samurai...it was good. I knew it would be, I don't know why people write off a movie just bc it has Tom Cruise but they'll watch one with Ben Affleck in it. And I promised Chad I'd see it with him. And I tried to catch them when they were still at Rachel's with the cat and I failed but they got a hold of me in time and met us there. The movie was good...but OH...did I tell you about my scarf??? And ohmigod...the piggy!!! Tim got me an oinkin ollie. I think I'll trade it in for one of the rainbow or bright orange ones though mebbe. I'm just glad he's ok right now though. And...the scarf...Vanessa asked me what color when she started knitting and I said charcoal or grey-black or something like that and it's perfect and it matched the outfit I was wearing when I got it but what doesn't match black...but well, it was just between the shade of my shirt and pants so it tied them together. I've never really worn a scarf before...I like it :) Oh, and did I mention Sarah let me kiss her? I don't know...I felt so awkward...I don't know how I get like that still. But the whole night was nice. And I had fun hanging out at Fitzy's with Chad and Jen anyhoo...they were telling great stories about pranks and junk in high school. The whole time I was still thinking about what a dork I was and worrying about how the night had gone...and then when I get home I open my email and there's something that just makes my day. Which is hard when you think of how good it already was.

Your future occupation by meteoric
Your name
Your future occupation	Ruler of the World
Yearly income	$510,422
Hours per week you work	50
Education	Up to 2 years of college
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

And take the test, this is not a typical result I believe.

Wow. It has been wild. The last week...the end of my money...stuff like that. Today was...awkward. That is the ONLY way I can describe it, and it applies to everything. I talked to Paul. I shouldn't be so excited, I have so many other friends, one who have time for me and aren't surly all the time and such...but he's still my Best Friend...officially at least. I have best friends besides him, and better friends besides who never hold the title. But anyhow, I called...and he called...and I called...and he called...and so on...and we only talked once, and he was in the middle of leaving a message on my voicemail when I finally got a hold of him. I stopped by Frisch's to grab Rach and she kept almost leaving a million times before I got out of there finally and we were supposed to hang out but somehow when we got to her place she went upstairs instead until me and Cortney finally talked her into coming down and...all these conversations sort of started yet we never really said anything the whole time...not worth a mention on its own but just the theme of the day. And I guess secrets abound now. I didn't think I had any but in a way I do. I mean, getting free bowling at the Palace...I never lied about that...but it was secret in the sense that I can only assume the owners didn't know...and...for whatever reason tonight I found out Ian was no longer on desk and was maintenance now...I doubt it is connected...but I have an odd feeling. And Wes always insists D undercharges us when we go for darts and beer...and well, tonight Wes says he didn't. Wes likes to be the one to drop off our money so who knows...but it's like all my karma was spent or something...everything nifty is drying up.

And more importantly there's Sarah. Like I said, everything today was a little give and a little take...nothing much more of either than the other. But...I like this girl...more than she likes me...which even though as Katie and Jessie would say there's no like thermometer of love you can really check someone's feelings against to see if they match...but it's a safe bet in this case they don't. And she's said as much...and so has a good friend or two...and so has my gut. And I know the worst thing I can do for myself (besides go on and on about Jessie but hey) is to dwell on that...or point it out. Common sense, my experience with my ex, and the vantage of seeing Tim from an outside perspective are just a few of the sources of that wisdom. But old though I be wise I am not. Tim called today and asked to hang out...and I said I'd call him after I'd showered and woken up and such. Then Sarah called and asked what I was doing...and I said nothing...and she said to take Tim out and I said oh well yeah that, I was gonna do that...and then I did. And we were out. And I'd brought Dad along. Partly because I'd sort of purposely not planned anything for today...I kept the option open of doing things and told everyone I had it off...but I didn't *try* to fill it...because I needed to spend some time with my family. Partly because I needed someone else there. I honestly thought Tim wouldn't talk about the whole...situation...in front of a stranger and an adult at that and such. And he didnt. He waited until the moment he was gone though. But she came up before then. She called. Him. And I died. Until I got to the car and saw I'd left my phone and saw I had a missed call and saw who it was. Oy. And later I told him something...it didn't make much sense...it didn't come out right. But I tried to explain something I almost did. Vanessa called and asked if I'd work for her tomorrow. I paused and then started to say yes...I realized I not only had Wes's game and my usual Friday night stuff and a few friends had asked to do things if I had time and I had some stuff at home to take care of but that I was going to get to see Sarah. And...you know...it doesn't make sense...but that's why I started to say yes. I had been so conditioned by the way Jessie yelled at me at the end for having spent so much time with her...not to let that happen again...I mean, I am more unavailable these days than I was without a doubt...but I was about to make myself moreso and cancel plans...which I'd never have done to another friend...well, ok, so I did ditch Susan...but we didn't specifically have plans and she was there to say it was ok...but anyhow...I guess if you'd been with Jessie and could imagine her reaction to me letting a shift go to be with her...I don't know. But Tim acted like she was freaking out...and I didn't know what to do...it sounded like it had something to do with Martha but I didn't quite understand...and I was supposed to be not letting Tim think about her or something...so I fought the urge to call her...she hadn't left a message or anything...until I'd dropped him off. And she didn't answer. I paged her. She never called. She hasn't updated her journal. And the silence was painful. I don't know why, it just was. I don't know if she's hurt...I don't know if she's mad...I just don't know. And I shouldn't care so much about it but I do. And I guess I just have to be honest about that even if it hurts me. I'm just an idiot that way. I had so much more to say, there was a lot to write about...but I forget. I'm not entirely sober either quite yet.

Oh, God, Wes is wrecking my game...it's his now of course though...and I wash my hands of it.

And oh, another weird awkwardness...phone tag with Chad and Jen for a couple hours...and at the end I think somehow I end up looking bad...everyone is always annoyed at the end of phone tag either because they feel pestered, ignored, or both...and I was in the middle of it a lot today.

And then there's a whole thing with the Babybird household...I just don't know...the whole thing is weird. I just hope I'm not about to become the object of hatred there...it could happen, it honestly could...for a group with so much love to go around, sometimes I think stress from work crap and social crap just spills over into random hostility...I mean...I hate it when I feel lied to...or when I flat out know I am...and it's worse when I'm lied about...I know...and I haven't really had to deal with that in a while I guess...but it's weird still...to see friends so worried about something.

Oh my...another thing, everyone used to tell me things in confidence...everyone...and I think I've slipped up (sort of) in recent memory...not in distant memory ever. But the thing is when everyone is such good friends that they all tell each other things in confidence and trust them to keep it...everyone ends up knowing everything anyhow...I have people tell me a secret and beg me not to tell anyone and by the end of the day they're telling people they said they wouldn't...that's just the way it works. And what *is* a secret anyhow? Mark's drinking? Joe and Vanessa? Both those things were passed off as such to me at different times...it cracks me up, these open secrets.

Oh, and I've so been talked into actually trying to fix this game...I'm sticking with the paladin...and I'm gonna see about upping char points...and I'm gonna force a group focus so we have a place in the world and things make sense or something. Maybe Susan can play if she moves up.

Which reminds me, Susan is moving up. How crazy is that? Just the other day she was planning on staying in Cincinnati even longer, a few more months, making more friends, getting a job and such...and now I hear she's going to come up here for good a few years early. I don't know if I really believe it yet...but she could be moving into the same complex as Cort and Rach and could even be getting a job at our Frisch I heard even...maybe even as a night server (?)...I would be seeing a hell of a lot of her if that happened, which is quite a change of pace from never to like three days to that. It's a lot to process, but then again I doubt it will really happen, I don't think anything happened that would change her mind from a week ago really.

Garry just used the phrase "another aimless wankfest"...I really want to change the subject of this entry to that but I'm not sure why...and I think it should at least be the name for a band if not a theological summation of life as we know it.