sad little emo girl. . .'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
sad little emo girl. . .

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a few more of brandon's great poems. [06 Mar 2003|06:39pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | watching tv!! ]

well..i like em!

so at this point ,
youve never looked so plain.
did i mean what i said?
was it in vain,
the way you looked at me that night,
lonely in company so afraid to fly...
baby dont be afraid to fly
spread your angel wings and go
into the night into the night
into the darkness of your soul and fly to an oblivions end
and be at peace with this.

She meant nothing to me
cant you see im here with you
because youve always caught my eye
and thats why i looked back twice.
but this spot on the wall
you seem to be fixed on
hasnt moved and i love you
did i say that aloud or did you just imagine it
so dont mention it to your dad
but keep it on your mind
cuz its on the tip of my tongue
and its about to slip into something cofortable.

so at this point ,
youve never looked so plain.
did i mean what i said?
was it in vain,
the way you looked at me that night,


so here i am sitting on my bed
staring a a memory of us
i never knew that this was gonna be the last time
the last time tht i would get to kiss you
the last time that i could ever hold you
and keep you warm on those texas december nights
i never knew how much you meant to me until i lost you
to that horrible disease called life
you were never supposed to leave me hanging dry
just a puppet in your little world
and you control my strings
how could i ever let you take a hold of my life
and twist me up in knots like that
fuck you for all you have done for me
made a perfectworld and then abandoned all our dreams
fuck you and you evil scheme

what do you think janakae???

maybe...cross your fingers janakae!!!:D!!! [06 Mar 2003|05:20pm]

if it works..sign it janakae and ashely (if your still readin my journal!!!)

[06 Mar 2003|05:19pm]
WHY WONT IT WORK??!?!?!?!? *CRYS* :(

just a test..test test test!!! [06 Mar 2003|04:57pm]
hey, I think this is how you get to my guest map..but im not im trying it out here before i send it to all my here ya go!! try it out janakae, its really easy..and its cute!!

this is the life that i have made..this is the grave where i will lay [04 Mar 2003|06:15pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | the juilana theory ]

ashley!! i found you!! i made you my friend. :D. okay..anyhoo..after school when trina was dropping off chris..i got out..and EVERYDAY he locks and shuts the door on i sit down on the drive way..and make it look like i was crying..trina unlocks and opens the door..and smacks me in the face! it kinda was funny though..and then chris pushes me over and i roll like..10 feet down a grassy part of his hill thingy. it was soo funny. nothing really happened today. except for that. I REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE I GET INTO 'A' BAND TOMMROW!!! mr.s said that me and meagen might be in a band together..yay..i dont care if im 2nd chair. just as long as im in a band..ill be a happy camper. if i dont..well..i guess it sucks to be me. but ill get to be with janakae and chris if i dont get into a way..its all good. and for spring break, im prolly going to go down to houston, to visit my bestest friend since care, for a while..the only bad thing about that is that i wont get to spend any time with tony..but..its been a little less than a year that i've seen her..and i miss her a bunch. so..i'm excited about going. she lives with ehr aunt now because her momma and her never got along at all. it was terrialbe. hence why she is in houston.
i realized today that i havent eaten in like..two or three days. everytime i try to eat, it feels like i am getting really sick..and it KILLS my ears. and i smashed my pinky finger hurt ohhhh so bad. i wanted to cry, butn everyone was around..and they would of laughed..but..its all good now. thats about it for right now...i guess

i wish you would just hurry up and get a fucking divorce.. [02 Mar 2003|04:12pm]
[ mood | pissed off ] family is one of the most fucked up familys parents dont love each other anymore. its soo easy to tell. i havent heard them say 'i love you' in least 2 or 3 years. and they dont realize that its hurting everyone else. i wish they would do it. then i could go live with my dad. because i am not about to go live with my mom. and my sister needs to go move out or something . and im not just saying this because they are fighting.. its a cold hard fact. the only reason they are still together is because finiancial shit and me and my sister. and i wish my mom would stop fucking go through my room!!! now, thanks to her ..i am now butterfly knife -less. she took it away, without telling me. and its making me soooo freakin mad. and's a fact owning a thong does not mean its the end of the world. and she wonders why i hardly ever have people over anymore...because she is always freaking butting into EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE!!! i understand you want to be a part of that..but ..i have my priviate life..some parts include you..but..its my have yours..its not like your sharing your life story with me...or its not like im going through your stuff..your purse..anything. and your ACCTUALLY trying to keep the fact that your smoking from me? stupid. i knwo your my mom. and i love you dearly. but..just..i cant stand get out of my room..and get out of my priviate life. im not that sutpid. i've kept my family troubles in for so long. it is. my family..all they do it fight...pry into each other's lifes....hate each other..hasnt anyone ever heard of the word DIVORCE!!???!!? i know it hurts..and all that..but..its hurting just a little bit more without it right now..

look into my eyes its easy to see one and one make two , two and one make three [02 Mar 2003|01:55pm]
i now ......have a dead journal too...janakae..if you wanna read it..its here:

i swear im not addicted!!!! only gonna use this one and that one..thats more more diaryland..its never gonna be live journal..*snifff* oh well!! its pretty cool..

your the closest thing to perfect..better than me [02 Mar 2003|12:54pm]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | the juilana theory ]

lets weekend consisted of me going with chris and trina around town..and later going to tony's. i drank two mikes hard lemonades tooooo fast on an empty was muuuch fun..hahah..they were all like..' hilary!! get drunk!! i wanna see you drunk!! ' and they said i was funny..i woldnt doubt it..hahah..i had lots of fun this weekend..:D

this is one of my nephwes poems..i liked it..what do you think janakae??

The rain was could and my body was warm but i couldnt feel my hands, running through your hair. Dont repeat it twice itsover between us and there nothing i can say or do. its over between me and you. you always laughed at my jokes , we used to sing to the strokes. butthat wasnt good enough. what ws easy is now tough
i scream at you and i tell you i hate you
but i only do it out of love.
on the phone im alone one week later and ive already grown
THis seems harder than i thought it would be easy but its not
and this dream was a good dream but hten again its not
and all i remember is fuck you
its a lesson well taught.
Fuck you and your holyniess
fuck you for my lonelines.
Show me a reason to change
cuz i dont see you making a change for me
you think your right you think your perfect
but your really diseased under the surface.
Drinking coffee and im all alone wishing you would call me on the phone.
so that i can say fuck you
im so in love with you fuck you
i hope he does it good
just like you like it
cold and hard and not worth the sacrifice
dream of me think of me when your head hits the ground.
dream of me beating you
think of me kissingyou with artificial lips
and a broken smile like your teeth
so do one thing if you ever do any one thing for me...
Turn off the tvput down the remote call me on the phone
and fucking cry and cry
and let the tears flow
and dont forget to tell me that you love me
Then end your lifecuz its not worth living.
Do that for me and ill giv you something worth giving...
my sympathy...

I dont belive in wasting time, searching for a truth you will never find.. [27 Feb 2003|06:32pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Long Since Forgotten--i dont know the name of the song..hmmm ]

my subject dillie is from a band called bright eyes. good bang right there., was okay..we went to school at 1030. wich was cool. and i didnt have to go to spanish today..wooohoo!!!!!! and..thats about it. i think next week is my last chance to challenge meagen. im scared that i wont get it. if i dont..oh well..ill be in a band with janakae and chris and its all good if i dont get to first band. i heard this band the other day its called : long since forgotten. its REALLY good. they are emo.and..good.! i fell in love with their music as soon as i heard like...two songs. if only i could get ahold of the cd. i can order if off the problem. saturday i am supposed to go over to chris's house again with trina and tony to watch a movie. he keeps insisting it be a scary movie. i HATE scary m,ovies..and i refuse to watc the ring AGAIN!! i've seen it two times already..and thats two times too many. i hate the commercials for it too..saying that the movie is out..oooo scary....
you knwo what i've realized lately??? i am quite short, and really REALLY accident prone...:S its funny..i get made fun of with both..but its all good. i dont mind.

and another quiz hits home.... [24 Feb 2003|04:28pm]
I am not a type of music
You're nothing, really. But you're nice.

What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i think it should of been a choice of emo..but..oh well! its close enough i guess

i dont understand!!!! [22 Feb 2003|11:58pm]

Piro or Largo?

brought to you by Quizilla

what the heck???

they were all in love with dying , they were doin it in texas.. [19 Feb 2003|06:09pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Avalanche by butt-hole surfers ]

Blue info
Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

and yet ANOTHER quiz hits nice

drown them
You for some reason would drown someone

How would you kill someone
brought to you by Quizilla

wow..most of my quizzes revolve around water..hmmm...

a few more quizzes hit home..:D [18 Feb 2003|05:58pm]
I am 76% Emo

Holy gee whilikers... I am as emo as it gets... I will try to cheer the heck up and stop wiping my nose on my sweater...

Take the Emo Test at

hahaha..i love emo...

I am 73% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at afoot.

I am 77% Tortured Artist

Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at

tortured artist...yuck

i got picked on allllllll day today...i didnt mind though ;) [16 Feb 2003|06:49pm]
[ mood | giggly ]
[ music | what a beautiful day ] at about 1 i went over to tony's house...until about five..then i had to go home and visit my brother. but as soon as i stepped out the door, he said "wow, your hair is down, thats scary" so i asked him if that ment that it looked bad..of course he denied and he made fun of my fore arms (as in i dont have any) and my nose..and my freakishly long fingers..and my cheeks..and my toes..the list goes on and on..but i finally met his dad, he sounded nice, he works with my mom(weird right? right). and his sister said that she loves my hair..and when i was about to go home, i stood up, and she said something along the lines "you make me sick,your so skinny" and im thinking...what?!?!?! was fun. and thats about it...yeaup

A letter for you jana!!!!

jana, i cant really think of anything you can do..hmm....i think you should see how this friday goes with kyle..and then see what you should do. i mean, you havent even met him yet..and if things dont go so well, i suggest you think about jett some more..i mean, he seams to like you a lot..the most i've seen you two together.sure he's a little short...but..he's a cutie..;)..i understand that friends forever thing is kickin in..but..maybe ya'll can get past that, and form a realitionship..and the tyson thing...i dont know what to tell ya there..hope you get this message...and hope it helps!love ya!!

just a whole lot of venting...GRRRR!!! [13 Feb 2003|06:53pm]
[ mood | enraged ]
[ music | jimmy eat world ] nothing special.`i missed ya jana! i foudn out that while nick was "oh so much in love with me", he was writing letters to ashley saying that he still loves her..i know they went out for like a year!! just dont do that!!!and now he is tellin jana stuff like i should of kissed you when your sister told me to..and im fucker.... grrr!!!! and just..i want to punch myself because i actually thought he was being truthfull, honest..and other shit like that..but..ha! i was wrong..this is the like the fourth time i've done or gotten into something like this...the first time was between ty me and kim, the second time was ty me and jana, then someone got mad about chris, and nick and EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD!!! errrrr..i'm just so..mad at myself for beliving something that all my friends said was fake..wich obviously some point or another..and then he says last night that 'I didnt tell you i loved you before i slept with kaleigh" (or something along those lines) and im hell you didnt, i remember dont try to lie your way out of it now. and he is sayin that i have no right to be mad about kaleigh? bull...and what the hell did i do that was oh so much worse than you did!?!? i didnt talk to you myself? trina wouldnt let me... because we all know i cant yell at someone like that..(and it obviously needed to be done..she was just being a good friend and was helping me out)and how is that so freakin worse than sleeping with someone while your supposedly oh so much in love with me?? and now your telling stuff to jana while your still all hung up on me (supposedly again) wich..your obviously not..even though you keep tellin me that you are....your just a horny little bastard that is full of SHIT!!!!

whew..i feel a lil bit better now...and now i jsut need to tell him this...excuse all the cuss words..i am quite mad, upset..mad at'll pass...

sorry i messed many times am i going to have to say this before you keep doin this!?!?!?! [11 Feb 2003|06:18pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | heaven ]

grrrr..nick..i said i dont hate you!!!!!! do you not belive me or something?even though i should..because..that is just something you dont do!! and..thanks for blocking me..yea...why should i care?!?!?!? why...why should i feel sorry..why do i keep freakin apologizing?!?!?!...for something i didnt do...:'(.

Jana [11 Feb 2003|04:41pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]
[ music | home grown ]

oh yes..thank you oh so much! it only went down a little bit this morning..but other wise it was good all day. but last night...whew...not good.not at all. but..i should have a doctor's appointment commin up real soon .woohoo! maybe he will finally give me something...because i am sick of being so weak sometimes a six year old can push me over. its happened.. its okay! i know he means/meant alot to ya..its no big deal. i dont mind a bit!

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms..just to make you laugh.. [10 Feb 2003|05:13pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | dashboard confessional ]

well...all day to day i could feel my blood sugar plumetting..wich..wasnt good..and some kid pushed me in the hall..and i just kept falling.because it felt like my legs couldnt hold up my body. and i got one hour of sleep last night..wich didnt help anything. but...oh well..i am a half colorblind, diabetic, insominac..woohoo! lol..go me. my toes keep goin numb..and tryin to look up symptoms. i think fingers and toes goin numb is a symptom..i only read it in type one...i ono.,..i know i have type II..but..i am trying to see if this big increase of sugar meanin there is something else goin on in my little are the symptoms of type one :

Frequent urination --sometimes

Excessive thirst ---yes

Unexplained weight loss ---i not really

Extreme hunger ---yes

Sudden vision changes ---yes

Tingling or numbness in hands or feet ---constantly

Feeling very tired much of the time ---heck yea fool

Very dry skin ---nope

Sores that are slow to heal--i got bunches of those

More infections than usual. ---not hardly ever get infections..

Nausea, vomiting, or stomach pains may accompany some of these symptoms in the abrupt onset of insulin-dependent diabetes, now called type 1 diabetes. ---yes

the website said that people with the desiese have some or none at all..or almost all of looks to me like i should go to the doctor..yeaup.

poor baby got a bad tummy ache..wich..gave me a bad head ache..errr [09 Feb 2003|07:59pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | dashboard confessional ]

i just got back from babysittin..all was fun.i mean. i love babysittin those little kids..but the baby, got a tummy ache in the last hour i was there, and was SCREAMING her head off. and..errr. i couldnt get ahold of her momma, so i called mine..she came up there. and helped me..then i was there..holding maddison in the most painful position for me..for about 30 mins..bouncing her..ouch. but..she fell asleep..wich was soo cute..( jana, i want one!) lol. well..i got back yesterday from a uil competition..wich wasnt taht bad..i didnt do taht bad, i only really messed up on my intro. but..its okay. we stayed up really late..we watched that movie the ring, and i was really the only one who stayed up to watch all of the two towers. it was not a big fan of lord of the rings. wich ment..when i was performing i was running on about an hour of sleep..wich..wasnt all that good. was fun. we went to the mall twice while we were there..and jett hung out with me and jana just about the whole time..i liked him..he was nice. hey jana, ..what about kyle?i havent heard about him in awhile.. and it looks like nick and kaleigh formed a lil relationship there...but..she just got back together with seth..wich..err..i just dont get her sometimes...but..oh well. its no big deal. we went into hot topic..and the people workin there were really nice..thye talked to us and stuff. and jett helped us pick out think he enjoyed himself.

open your eyes to the million of lies that they tell you everyday [06 Feb 2003|04:21pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Goldfinger-open your eyes and Home Grown-Your Not Alone ] was fine. grrrr. but my stupid diabetes just doesnt give me a break does it?? doesnt.. i think next time i go to the doc..they will give me a pill..hopefully..that i can just take every morning.
me and chris and trina were at the junior high, and i got out because i thought chris was getting out..because he was in front, and i thought i would get up there..i shut my door..and chris tells trina " PULL UP!! HURRY!! ' so..she naturally pulls up..she doesnt even realize that im not in the car get left behind about 100 feet. it was soooo funny. so..i just walk back to the car..slowly..while they are laughing their butts off...i got my 'hair cut today in english..' it seams like everyone in there is obsessed with my hair.. they are always touching cuting it..and pullin out little strands. they cut out a itty bitty bit..but..none the less..they still cut it. yeaup. tony broke trina's door was funny. and..some time here gonna go to bealls with trina..

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