Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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1:12 pm
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Friday, September 1st, 2006
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10:58 am - Nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.....
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Well.... summer is over. It's September 1st and I move in a few days. It doesn't seem to be quite as bad as last year. I know what to expect and so on. But I am still getting that feeling that is making me sick to my stomach that I got last year. Fuck why do I find leaving so hard. I can't let myself grow up at all. I'm gonna miss my friends so bad, days at the beaches, jamming at the bay, Spike, my trails...... :( I fucking hate this soooo much.
I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me
But I guess I am excited to see my friends from Cape Breton again. It should be fun in an apartment with Grant and Donavin... and whoever Nissa is, lol. But yeah I'm just kinda bummed out. Last weekend had a great TR night and last night was fun out at the engine room. But I guess now I just say my goodbyes.... again....
I was thinking that the season could be held between my arms
But just as summers hold is fleeting
I was here and now I'm gone
So long, so long...
current mood: Sad
current music: Anything Depressing
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Friday, August 18th, 2006
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10:09 pm - The Next Step.....
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I'll only give for what I get. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself by always trying to get someone attention. If you wanna be close friends great... If not don't start and then sway away. I feel like lately I have been putting so much attention into being close with Kel and I get nothing in return. I thought I saw a good friendship beginning to start but I am beginning to think I'm wrong. As soon as school starts we will drift apart.
But I am going to try. I will give it my best. But not forever this time. My last 3 weeks here I will. And when I first leave I will also. And I will judge your reaction and base my feelings on yours. Cause if I'm not worth your time, your not worth mine. So the next step.... If I am to fall out of the close category I will promise myself not to care. Like I said, I want to stay and I will try at first. But if I do I won't let it bother me. So it's up to you from here on out.
This glass house is burning down.
You light the match, I'll stick around.
I'll give you everything you want.
And wish the worst of what I was.
So rewind to the weekend. Saw Sleep To Dream last Saturday. Great show. Got a nice drunk on as well. Went in to music stop and bought some gear for school. Pretty good day. And yesterday I spent all day at Heather Beach with Matty. Another Gong show, lol....
But I gotta end this... Too many MSN convo's and Poker. This is taking way too long.
Peace....
current mood: Blah....
current music: From First To Last
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Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
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2:51 pm
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Friday, August 11th, 2006
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7:07 pm
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I kept my promise today :)
I may not be able to grow. But I'm getting stronger.
current mood: Proud
current music: Panic!
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Monday, August 7th, 2006
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2:55 pm - Reasons to leave and stay...
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Well, it's 3pm and I'm at work. And I have come to a realization. I think it is time that I stop trying to achieve things I should have 5-8 years ago. While I sit here by someone (K) acting ways I shouldn't. Saying things that just aren’t me. Trying to get something I know I can't have because other people got them first (D and the other prick). I have to stop using the gym as a way to get back everything I missed out on in my teen years.
So today I am making a promise to myself. I cannot to this anymore. It will only get as bad as the last one (H). Stop before it's too late. Before I ruin it. Resign to the fact that this is all it will be. Weather it is all it should be or not, this is all it is. I am just so fucking sick and tired, frustrated and pissed, sad and depressed of getting this close all the time. Why are they all taken and why in the fucking hell can't I be.
No more lies, no more bullshit. Scott all of these years you has just made it worse on yourself. I'm better than this and I deserve whatever I want. But this is so hard to get over. I never had the childhood everyone else had. I feel lost all the time, and that I totally missed out on something.
Being in this town feels good at first then always get bad. And why? Because every time I come home or the longer I stay the more I think I may get what I want this time. But I NEVER do and every time it gets harder to except. So many close calls, so many heart breaks. I think if I went to Halifax with some people I know I would find it easier. But when it comes to (K) I know I have to end it.
So yeah, that's it. Enjoy your last few weeks of summer, and get used to it. Stop holding on to maybe someday. It might happen. But don't make yourself sick worry about it. I really have to stop taking it out on my family as well. So I guess in the end, this is why I want to stay and leave at the same time. So many great girls that are so out of my league that will ever only want to be friends. That whole ode to the nice guys thing is so me is just ridiculous. I seen in the last couple days out (K) communication has become worse. More awkward silence. Not the fun we had in the city or the first few weeks. Weather it was silly or not it felt better. And I don't want to loose that. So that's my promise to myself. I hope I can keep it...
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE!!!!!
Last night was great. Me & the guys chillin by the pool gettin ripped. It was super relaxing. And Ted wasn't sketchy like he always is. I would have liked to stay out a little longer, but oh well. It was great to legally have Matty out and what not. He seemed very happy. I can’t wait till we go to Halifax this Saturday!!!!! Sleep to dream is gonna KILL!!!! Dam Matty gets in for free :P. But it should still be fun. Buy lots of shit in the afternoon as well. School supplies... You know, big bag of weed, new pipe, some guitar stuff, and clothes. All the essentials. lol.
But I guess that's it for now.
Peace.....
current mood: Had Enough
current music: Dredg
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Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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11:42 pm - Killer evening!!!!!
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Had an awesome evening at the bay tonight. I took some awesome pictures. Didn't actually jam that much. Played like 3 songs, that's it really. I got out a little late this evening. You can tell it's starting to get dark sooner now. I'm gonna have to start going out around 7:30. But yeah here is one of the shots I took.....
So yeah that was a ncie way to end that day. Had an ok run today as well. Could have been a little better but oh well. Anyways I'm making this one short again.
Peace....
current mood: Happy
current music: Gregory And The Hawk
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Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
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10:30 pm - Oh yeah!!!
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So update on what I said a couple days ago. I am totally in Rez!!! 402 Cabot next year!!!! Now I'm so pumped for school :P
PS: Scott.... Let it go......
current mood: Excited
current music: Sherwood
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Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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10:20 pm - I'm le tired.....
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I'm am sooo dead. Just got off work, and I don't think this week is ever going to end. Closed yesterday, today, tomorrow, Thursday, open Friday, close Friday, close sat, close sun. That isn't fucking cool at all. I switched the clocks at work today so no one will stay late anymore :), hahaha.
Anyway's had a decent day today. Got up and did a quick workout then went out to Glenholm and help Kelsey with her car wash. That was all right. Kinda boring, but nice to be out in the sun. Other then that a normal day. So yeah I'm just eating now, and then off to bed.
Later
current mood: Tired
current music: Porcupine Tree
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Sunday, July 30th, 2006
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5:37 pm - Well... What have I been up too.....
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My first post since December... Wow... Where has the time gone. Well from the last time we spoke it was "THE NIGHT". To finally say what it was, we got busted at the end of Harmony Rd. Now that the smoke has settled (No pun intended), I got nothing. Ted got a possession charge and Matty got intent to traffic. 4 Months house arrest and 5 curfew. His house arrest is over in exactly one week now. It all seamed to blow over fast. Thank god. I'm not sure how he's doing. He seems to be good, but I'm afraid he might get back into it. He claims he doesn't care about drugs anymore.... But we will see. I really hope so. I'm just afraid for that first day Matty is totally free. He said he will get high, but only do it like 4 times a year. And I'm afraid that first day he will like it too much and it will start again. I think he needs to get back into school. Forget this army nonsense. Everything changed in a New York minute that night. We all have grow up a lot from the event I think.
Last time we spoke I was killing myself over feelings for some girl named Holly... Yeah, you remember her. Well those days have pasted and I now realize that she was never worth it. I am still single, but I am dealing with it better. Though I can't wait to leave Truro for school again. There are still a few demons here :P.
My first year of University was great. I had lots of fun. There were a lot of annoying times, and times of home sickness. But I think overall it went well. I am looking forward to next year now. Though I still don't know where I am going to live :(.
This summer has been kinda dull. Just workin.... It's kinda sucked. Salmon River won this thing called Hockeyville. That was a pretty big deal I guess. I was very happy/proud for Devin. But yeah that's it. only 5 weeks left till school. I gotta get on this rez thing right away.
And PS: It's good to be back... and feeling well....
Peace...
current mood: Content
current music: Summer Tunes
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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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10:41 pm
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I can't believe this. Worst thing that has ever happened to us.....
I'm so rattled I could cry right now.....
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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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7:57 pm
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You used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up....
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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5:20 pm - I'm growing old of this....
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But I feel the need to push it more, like I always have.
Making some good movements.
But still stuck,
Still fucked.
Time apart makes it simple.
But lying in this old empty grave...
Only makes it worse....
current mood: Cynical
current music: Brandtson
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Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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11:30 pm
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Because these are my last words
And this is my last breath
I'd give you everything
If there was something left
I have nothing left to prove
And I will live with my regrets
I'd give you everything
If there was something left
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11:17 pm
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This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is
Never mind, I'll just turn it off and spare myself the pain.....
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Monday, November 14th, 2005
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7:19 pm
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Friday, November 4th, 2005
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9:47 pm
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No one ever thought to say, "I'll miss you"
No one ever acted like they even cared.
So one more time I'll run through all my goodbyes.
Frustrated, aggravated, and scared.
And I will drive away from here.
Even if it takes me a million years.
And I will give you all my blood, my sweat, and my tears.
To be the one who puts the music in your ears.
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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
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7:02 pm - I gotta get out of here....
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I am so home sick is ridiculous. I never thought I'd miss Truro this much.... Actually I knew I would. I just miss growing up. I want so bad to spend a night out at the beach with my friends again. And at someone's house or whatever. But no body talks to one another anymore.
And it's unfair to the people here. I have been upset and cranky lately with the people here cause I wanna leave. And I do like them. But I want my past back too much, and I can't have it.
Maybe it's why I keep going back to "her". Am I trying to recapture my youth? Trying for something I never had and never had the balls to go for. I don't know. I felt like being @ CEC again was wrong but it had so many good memories. I had such a warm feeling being there. I hope my dad can get me remembrance day weekend....
I miss Spike so bad. I miss my trails, the park, my gym, my bed.... I really want to die right now. And I have school work that I am putting off which ain't helping.... I need to go for a walk tonight. It reminds me of home I guess. The long walks with music at night I find to be so peaceful. But I really should get some work done soon.
*** I begging you to be my escape ***
current mood: Home Sick
current music: Relient K
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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10:17 am - Happy 666 Everyone!!!
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Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember halloween
Dead Cats hanging from poles
Little Dead are out in droves
I remember Halloween
Brown Leafed Vertigo
Where skeletal life is known
I remember Halloween
This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember Halloween
Halloweeeeen
Halloweeeeen
Halloweeeeen
Halloween!
Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember Halloween
This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember Halloween
current mood: Pumped
current music: AFI
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Friday, October 28th, 2005
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10:03 pm - "You know how you are. You would never let things go..."
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Just like Max, neither do I... What the fuck is my problem. I wanna go home so bad but I'm afraid to face you. I'm so sick of re-sparking my feelings for you, and then getting shoved off to the side for a party, or whatever.
I have come to realize that 2nd best is all I'll ever be. Always good, but never good enough. I'm so fucking sick of it. I feel like slitting my throat right now. And somehow I don't see my day of redemption coming.
I @ least need to leave here. That I know for sure. I need something tonight. A new life would be nice, $10, a hug, a friend...anything....
current mood: Really Shitty
current music: Pearl Jam - Bu$hleaguer
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