Wow, I liek to ramble.
I already tried sleeping and seemed to fail miserably at that. I'm tired, but not tired enough to sleep. I hate that sort of tired. It makes me feel like I'm wasting all my time and what not. Cam fell asleep pretty much the moment her head hit the pillow. Lucky her. I laid there listening to her breathe and feeling her heart pound against my back and eventually began to feel very anxious. I began feeling really nervous and like something awful was going to happen. I broke out into a cold sweat and had to get out of the bunk. I slid out of it as quietly as humanly possible and just paced back and forth up the bus aisle, trying my best not to disturb anyone. Everyone else seemed to be trying to sleep or passed out, and I knew if I woke someone up they'd have my ass. So I walked, up and down the aisle thinking to myself. Thinking about everyone and everything. Trying to figure out what in the world could have made me so nervous and so anxious. Here is what I've come up with... :
I'm always busy. There really is never a moment in time where I'm not doing something. When I have time off, I begin side projects liek Time Lapse Consortium and begin perfecting them. Devise plans for the side projects as far as concert dates, promotional dates, producer decisions, minor changes in music, sign us up for late night TV shows, anything to get TLC out there, but to a completely different audience then what Incubus is for. I love jazz music and have always wanted to play it. It used to be for fun, and it still is, but not TLC is my baby. A lot of my freetime is spent figuring out ways to get TLC more popular. I write, play and produce everything TLC does, and have a huge hand in the management feild. It's a lot of work. Ontop of that I'm constantly lending a hand to soundtracks or other artists albums. During my long break off, after almost two years of non-stop touring, I recorded a song for the Daredevil
soundtrack and helped Kelly Osbourne with her Papa Don't Preach
single. Granted, two things doesn't seem like much...but you have to realize a few things. 1) I had been on the road for nearly 2 years without so much as a two week break. We had a few days here and there, and a 2 week break in August, but that break was not by choice, but almost forced. We sent ourselves to therapy to work through our differences enough to finish out the tour. It was hardly a "break". On-top of the recording and helping write, or re-write, songs for other artists I was also getting Time Lape up and running. My break was relaxing in the fact that I wasn't on a bus the majority of the day and wasn't in a new city every night. I had the luxury of sleeping in my own bed and spending quality time with Cameron...but I was still busy.
Now I'm on tour with Lollapalooza. The tour itself has and will only be a little over a month, almost two if you want to get technical and our set is only about an hour long. We don't really do that many meet and greets, just fans who win contests held through lollapalooza.com. Festivals and things of the sort are always much easier and more relaxed then when you headline your own tour. It's one of those things where if you're not in the music industry doesn't really make much sense to you. This tour has been slightly rough, just because Cameron is pregnant. However, the idea of Cameron being pregnant on tour is an entirely different entry that I'll write another time. I need to stay on track here.
As soon as Lolla is done, I have a 2 week break period before I head back into the studio, and not necessarily just for Incubus. I've gotten to be close friends with Nelly Furtado, if you can believe it. I met her back in 2000 and we just hit it off. She's a really down to earth girl. She approached me about helping her with some songs for her follow up album, and I of course agreed. I love writing music for anyone and I love being able to help out. Maybe that's because I was always incredibly greatful to anyone who could offer our band any insight and advice, help us write and fix anything, when we were first starting out. Even today I love when people step up and offer us something new and entirely different. Something we never would've thought of, ya know? Maybe that's why I jump at the chance to help people with their records. It's like I'm giving back or something. Anyways...it's only one or two songs that I'm doing with Nelly, but even still. It'll have to be fast. Her album is tentatively scheduled to be released November 24th, which means it's all work and no play when I meet up with her. At the same time I'm recording with Nelly, I'll be back in the studio and working on new songs for Incubus' album, which hopefully will be released early next year. No definitive dates for those of you who care. Sorry. I love recording new music, but the studio is a bitch. It's a lot more work then people realize. We can easily spend 12 hours in the studio. Time flies when you're in there, but you're exhausted when your finally done.
I realized that I cannot be not busy. Does that make sense or did I turn that into a double negative and mean something intirely different? What I mean is I can't not be doing anything. I have to keep myself busy, and it almost always has to be something with music. I love it. I eat, sleep and breathe it. I love my guitars. They're my babies. It's the one inatimate object I cannot survive without. When I have time off...I enjoy the first few days, maybe even first two weeks, but then slowly start getting anxious. I have to do something. I've never been one to just bum around. Sleep until noon, eat, shower, and just watch TV. I can do it for awhile, but then start to bore myself to tears. With all of that in mind...enter Oscar.
When he comes, I know for a fact I will want to spend a vast majority of my time with him. Who wouldn't want to spend time with their first born, ya know? He's going to be my "lil man". He's already my little buddy, and he's just a fetus that is inside Cam's belly right now. I'm already addicted and attached to him. It'll only get worse once he's physically here and I can hold him, rock him, talk to him, play with him, comfort him, play my guitar for him...anything. I know it will. I'll get dependant on him and he'll get dependant on me, and I'll fall in love with that idea and so much more. The problem? My music. What's going to happen to it? I can't not
do it. I can't not
go on tour. I can't not
offer my services to other artists. I can't not
turn people down when they personally ask for my help or expertise. I just can't. Music is my life. What's going to happen when it's time for us to tour and promote the new album? Is he going to be old enough to take with me? Is it even healthy to have a newborn on a bus for weeks, even months on end? And not so much is it healthy...but is it fair to him?
I don't want my son to grow up being one of those kids who barely knows their dad because their dad was never around. If I'm never around...it definitely won't be by choice. Well, maybe a portion of it is by choice. I could always stop trying to keep myself busy 24/7 and just sit around with him, but if he turns out anything like me he'll always want to be on the go and doing things and finding new things to occupy himself with as well. If he's anything like me he'll be creative and want to share it with everyone. But as far as touring and Incubus goes...that's not my choice. That's my life. That's what I know. Incubus is what is natural to me. The people in the band aren't just my bandmates but my brothers. Ever see our Diary
? We're a band of brothers. We always said we would stop when we were ahead. We're not idiots...we know our time will come to an end eventually, but for now we're milking it for all it's worth. We're at the height of our careers and now is not
the time to stop and back away from it all...even if I have a son. I have to keep touring with them. I have to promote Incubus. What about Time Lapse? I can't give that up either. That's my own personal creation. That's my
band. It's not an "our" kind of thing, ya know? It wasn't conjured up between 4 bored kids in Calabassas, but created by me
. When I sit and think about all the things I do with music, I start to realize just how selfish I am. I start to realize, when it comes to music, there is not one thing I want to give up...for anyone, which I think makes me a bad person.
I got teased growing up...a lot, for a multitude of reasons. Every child gets teased, right? Some kids poked fun at how there was no need to invite me to birthday parties or whatever because I'd be at my dad's house that weekend or something. My parent's are divored if you hadn't figured that out yet. My dad was around, he always stayed around. He didn't abandon us or pack up one night and leave without warning. He was always there...but he wasn't at the same time. He didn't live with us after I turned 10. I saw him on weekends and hoildays, and although I got cards and phone calls all the time...it wasn't the same. I don't want Oscar to have to rely on me only via cards, e-mails, holidays and sporadic breaks that I may have or set aside for myself.
Shit. This is so hard and confusing. A part of me wants to be all "Wake the fuck up and realize that music is no longer the most important thing in your life and that your fiance and your son are." and the other part of me wants to go "Shut the fuck up and realize that you're not the only person who has ever been in a band and had a kid." Sigh.
I think it's time for a smoke.
Current Music: "I'm a Terrible Person" - Rooney