12:39am: Puppy Love
I'm sitting here on the bus with a puppy fast asleep in my arms. To my right is a beautiful girl, my soulmate, who is fast asleep with a puppy in her arms as well...who is stirring and I guess is asleep, however, unlike his brother Henry does not sleep like a rock. He wiggles and fidgets a lot. He's cute.

Why am I awake? Because I can't sleep, obviously. I also don't want to take the risk of waking the puppy if I try to stand up and move him onto the couch so I can go climb into my bunk. How great is that? I care more about my puppies getting a good nights sleep then I do myself. I love those little shits. A lot.

I sat here earlier just cradling Oliver in my arms and I started thinking about Oscar...the fetus. Deryck, please promise me you'll learn which is which by the time the baby is born. Thanks. Anyways, I was cradling him in my arms and I felt his whole body just go limp. You could tell he was just utterly relaxed and totally trusting of me. He knew I wouldn't drop him. He knew I wouldn't mess with him. He knew I'd just let him sleep. It takes a lot for an animal to trust someone like that. It takes a lot for another human being to do the same. If I can get a puppy to trust me so much he feels comfortable letting me cradle him like a baby and allow his entire body to go limp as he falls into a deep sleep...I should be able to do the same with a baby, right?

( Our puppies )

11:45am: I'm on the phone with my sister, Rachel, and she's in this obsessive New Kids On the Block stage because she found her old cassettes. I now have their lyrics in my head. This is tragic. HOWEVER, ::dead:: these lyrics are good...

Stop it, stop it girl
(something something something)
I said stop it girl
Look what you're doing to me
I said it's just not right now can't you see
This ain't the way it's supposed to be
I should be loving you
And you be loving me

HAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK. MY FAMILY IS THE BEST, THANKS.

10:54am: I would like to smoke again.

1:54am: Wow, I liek to ramble.
I already tried sleeping and seemed to fail miserably at that. I'm tired, but not tired enough to sleep. I hate that sort of tired. It makes me feel like I'm wasting all my time and what not. Cam fell asleep pretty much the moment her head hit the pillow. Lucky her. I laid there listening to her breathe and feeling her heart pound against my back and eventually began to feel very anxious. I began feeling really nervous and like something awful was going to happen. I broke out into a cold sweat and had to get out of the bunk. I slid out of it as quietly as humanly possible and just paced back and forth up the bus aisle, trying my best not to disturb anyone. Everyone else seemed to be trying to sleep or passed out, and I knew if I woke someone up they'd have my ass. So I walked, up and down the aisle thinking to myself. Thinking about everyone and everything. Trying to figure out what in the world could have made me so nervous and so anxious. Here is what I've come up with...

I'm always busy. There really is never a moment in time where I'm not doing something. When I have time off, I begin side projects liek Time Lapse Consortium and begin perfecting them. Devise plans for the side projects as far as concert dates, promotional dates, producer decisions, minor changes in music, sign us up for late night TV shows, anything to get TLC out there, but to a completely different audience then what Incubus is for. I love jazz music and have always wanted to play it. It used to be for fun, and it still is, but not TLC is my baby. A lot of my freetime is spent figuring out ways to get TLC more popular. I write, play and produce everything TLC does, and have a huge hand in the management feild. It's a lot of work. Ontop of that I'm constantly lending a hand to soundtracks or other artists albums. During my long break off, after almost two years of non-stop touring, I recorded a song for the Daredevil soundtrack and helped Kelly Osbourne with her Papa Don't Preach single. Granted, two things doesn't seem like much...but you have to realize a few things. 1) I had been on the road for nearly 2 years without so much as a two week break. We had a few days here and there, and a 2 week break in August, but that break was not by choice, but almost forced. We sent ourselves to therapy to work through our differences enough to finish out the tour. It was hardly a "break". On-top of the recording and helping write, or re-write, songs for other artists I was also getting Time Lape up and running. My break was relaxing in the fact that I wasn't on a bus the majority of the day and wasn't in a new city every night. I had the luxury of sleeping in my own bed and spending quality time with Cameron...but I was still busy.

Now I'm on tour with Lollapalooza. The tour itself has and will only be a little over a month, almost two if you want to get technical and our set is only about an hour long. We don't really do that many meet and greets, just fans who win contests held through lollapalooza.com. Festivals and things of the sort are always much easier and more relaxed then when you headline your own tour. It's one of those things where if you're not in the music industry doesn't really make much sense to you. This tour has been slightly rough, just because Cameron is pregnant. However, the idea of Cameron being pregnant on tour is an entirely different entry that I'll write another time. I need to stay on track here.

As soon as Lolla is done, I have a 2 week break period before I head back into the studio, and not necessarily just for Incubus. I've gotten to be close friends with Nelly Furtado, if you can believe it. I met her back in 2000 and we just hit it off. She's a really down to earth girl. She approached me about helping her with some songs for her follow up album, and I of course agreed. I love writing music for anyone and I love being able to help out. Maybe that's because I was always incredibly greatful to anyone who could offer our band any insight and advice, help us write and fix anything, when we were first starting out. Even today I love when people step up and offer us something new and entirely different. Something we never would've thought of, ya know? Maybe that's why I jump at the chance to help people with their records. It's like I'm giving back or something. Anyways...it's only one or two songs that I'm doing with Nelly, but even still. It'll have to be fast. Her album is tentatively scheduled to be released November 24th, which means it's all work and no play when I meet up with her. At the same time I'm recording with Nelly, I'll be back in the studio and working on new songs for Incubus' album, which hopefully will be released early next year. No definitive dates for those of you who care. Sorry. I love recording new music, but the studio is a bitch. It's a lot more work then people realize. We can easily spend 12 hours in the studio. Time flies when you're in there, but you're exhausted when your finally done.

I realized that I cannot be not busy. Does that make sense or did I turn that into a double negative and mean something intirely different? What I mean is I can't not be doing anything. I have to keep myself busy, and it almost always has to be something with music. I love it. I eat, sleep and breathe it. I love my guitars. They're my babies. It's the one inatimate object I cannot survive without. When I have time off...I enjoy the first few days, maybe even first two weeks, but then slowly start getting anxious. I have to do something. I've never been one to just bum around. Sleep until noon, eat, shower, and just watch TV. I can do it for awhile, but then start to bore myself to tears. With all of that in mind...enter Oscar.

When he comes, I know for a fact I will want to spend a vast majority of my time with him. Who wouldn't want to spend time with their first born, ya know? He's going to be my "lil man". He's already my little buddy, and he's just a fetus that is inside Cam's belly right now. I'm already addicted and attached to him. It'll only get worse once he's physically here and I can hold him, rock him, talk to him, play with him, comfort him, play my guitar for him...anything. I know it will. I'll get dependant on him and he'll get dependant on me, and I'll fall in love with that idea and so much more. The problem? My music. What's going to happen to it? I can't not do it. I can't not go on tour. I can't not offer my services to other artists. I can't not turn people down when they personally ask for my help or expertise. I just can't. Music is my life. What's going to happen when it's time for us to tour and promote the new album? Is he going to be old enough to take with me? Is it even healthy to have a newborn on a bus for weeks, even months on end? And not so much is it healthy...but is it fair to him?

I don't want my son to grow up being one of those kids who barely knows their dad because their dad was never around. If I'm never around...it definitely won't be by choice. Well, maybe a portion of it is by choice. I could always stop trying to keep myself busy 24/7 and just sit around with him, but if he turns out anything like me he'll always want to be on the go and doing things and finding new things to occupy himself with as well. If he's anything like me he'll be creative and want to share it with everyone. But as far as touring and Incubus goes...that's not my choice. That's my life. That's what I know. Incubus is what is natural to me. The people in the band aren't just my bandmates but my brothers. Ever see our Diary? We're a band of brothers. We always said we would stop when we were ahead. We're not idiots...we know our time will come to an end eventually, but for now we're milking it for all it's worth. We're at the height of our careers and now is not the time to stop and back away from it all...even if I have a son. I have to keep touring with them. I have to promote Incubus. What about Time Lapse? I can't give that up either. That's my own personal creation. That's my band. It's not an "our" kind of thing, ya know? It wasn't conjured up between 4 bored kids in Calabassas, but created by me. When I sit and think about all the things I do with music, I start to realize just how selfish I am. I start to realize, when it comes to music, there is not one thing I want to give up...for anyone, which I think makes me a bad person.

I got teased growing up...a lot, for a multitude of reasons. Every child gets teased, right? Some kids poked fun at how there was no need to invite me to birthday parties or whatever because I'd be at my dad's house that weekend or something. My parent's are divored if you hadn't figured that out yet. My dad was around, he always stayed around. He didn't abandon us or pack up one night and leave without warning. He was always there...but he wasn't at the same time. He didn't live with us after I turned 10. I saw him on weekends and hoildays, and although I got cards and phone calls all the time...it wasn't the same. I don't want Oscar to have to rely on me only via cards, e-mails, holidays and sporadic breaks that I may have or set aside for myself.

Shit. This is so hard and confusing. A part of me wants to be all "Wake the fuck up and realize that music is no longer the most important thing in your life and that your fiance and your son are." and the other part of me wants to go "Shut the fuck up and realize that you're not the only person who has ever been in a band and had a kid." Sigh.

I think it's time for a smoke.

11:37am: I think Cameron wants/needs an update. She was hyper this morning and now isn't. I wish I knew what to write about, but sadly I don't think I have anything worthy of reading. It's been like that for a few days now. I don't like it. Therefore I will just continuously free-write, and, write whatever pops into my head, no matter how out there it really may be.

I want to name the baby Nathaniel. Like, I've always wanted to name my first boy that, but Cameron hates it. I need to devise a method of making her like the name, but sadly I think I will be defeated and end up naming him Archibald. Archibald Michael Einziger. We could call him Archie. Haha...no. I think we've narrowed it down to Zachary Michael and Bryan Michael...unless we find something as amazing as Nicole, and we change it and start all over again. I hate naming things. All the names I like are either my friends names or names Cam hates. Talk about frustrating. Like, I think Benjamin Michael and Brandon Michael sound good...but sadly I am not naming my kid after my best friend or my baby brother, so that idea was shot down immediately. Damn them for having the names I like.

I can't wait to physically see Oscar. I mean, seeing sonograms and what not are all fine and dandy...but it still doesn't seem real. It's sort of a dream, almost like a mirage seeing him on a sonogram. He's there...but I still can't touch him or hold him, which makes it more unbelievable that HI I'M GOING TO BE A DAD, ya know? Everynow and then, someone will say something or do something, or something will be purchased for him...and I get smacked in the face with another dose of reality. It used to be the bigger Cam's stomach got the more realistic it got, but now it's the comments about how hard being a parent is, or the comments about how the baby will puke and poop everywhere, or how we'll never have time to ourselves that make everything seem more realisitic. That on-top of the entire room that has just baby paraphanallia in it makes it seem almost scary.

I'm scared.

I wasn't really afraid of having a baby until recently. I mean, I knew it would be a lot of work..but I'm 27, it's time I start settling down and starting a family, I guess. But now...I'm 100% terrified. I keep thinking about how everything is about to change, and that makes me want to lock myself in a closet and just cry. I don't deal well with change. I never have and I never will. It throws me off balance or something. Even changing our stage setup was a battle for me. I argued it and said it wasn't necessary, but gave in anyways. The world, everything in it, will now revolve around Oscar. Choices I make, things I say, things I do...will all circle back to him and how it effects him. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. It's scary.

Then the obvious fears about if I'll be a good father or not re-surface. I've come to the conclusion that I'm far to selfish to be a decent father. I want everything done my way, and only a few selected people get to see me be flexible and contemplate other's ideas, or take them seriously. I've always been one of those "if you want something done right, you have to do it on your own" kind of people. The band and Cameron are really the only people who's other ideas I take seriously and will back down from my standpoint in order to do or see their's. It's a cocky and arrogant trait that I have...but I can't help it. I think about myself way more then I should, and dad's don't do that.

I'll never be a 9-5, suit and tie, briefcase, family van kind of man. I'd kill myself if I had to be. I won't be coming home to a country style house with a white picket fence every Monday through Friday, expecting dinner on the table for me, my wife, and my kid. We won't sit around a table talking about everyone's days. We won't be making plans for a fishing trip that following Saturday. There won't be picnics in the park and what not. I don't have time for all those things. Our day will consist of me waking up early and going to rehersal, coming home and zapping something in the microwave. Or better yet...waking up on a bus, so daddy can go play the same 13 songs over and over and over again. I'm scared that my lifestyle, that I absolutely refuse to give up for anyone...will mess him up hardcore. I might consider giving it up for Oscar...but it's my job. I need some sort of financial stability...and that's it.

Why the hell did I just let all this slip out? Blah.

2:56pm: Short and incredibly cryptic
Why is it always "you you you"? Why can't for once it be "me me me"?

11:48pm: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM hi my name is Mike and I play guitar in a silly rock band called Incubus, but that's not important. The most important things are my 'fro, my fetus and my FIANCEE CAMERON OH LOOK I GOT THE ALLITERATION SKILLS JIGGA. I know all about being a Jew-thug and I take great pride in my Jew-ness. I EMBRACE IT!



Except no, this is Cam...and I like to break into my LOVER'S journal and write silly entries. Goodnight.

9:48am: The top 10 reasons why I'm in love with Cameron...as of today
1. Her biting her lip. She does it when she's thinking, nervous, embarassed, receieving pleasure (that's the nice way to put it, right?) or just happy. It's absolutely 100% adorable. Definitely one of the physical things she does to make me continuously fall in love with her.

2. The way she runs her fingers through my hair and watches me while she's doing it. She does this at pure random too. Sometimes we'll just be sitting beside one another and her hand will find it's way to my hair and she just runs her fingers through it. Front to back, sideways, it doesn't matter. She pushes the curls out of my face, since they'r long and sort of moppy again, and just watches my every movement while she does it.

3. How she will lightly rub my back when I'm talking or telling a story. It's not even a sexual/sensual kind of rubbing but just her hand manuevering across my back. It feels good and just relaxes me.

4. How sometimes when I walk into a room with her already in it, I'll find her sitting or standing there rubbing her Oscar Belly. She always has just a small grin on her face when she's doing it and then when she sees me she just beams. Makes me feel good.

5. How she peels out of parking lots and almost kills us everytime. She doesn't waste anytime. The tires squeal and I get thrown against the back of the seat and the entire time she's giggling.

6. How posessive and angry she gets around the skanky fans. I've never had someone be posessive over me but she is. She gets this glare in her eye that almost screams "Come any closer and I'll stab you with my stilleto." She even does it with me. I have a tendency, well used too, of being very close to fans when taking pictures. Some fans got to actually know me and the pictures I'd take of them would be me holding them or something, kissing their cheek or something lame. Even those old school pictures bother her...now. It's really kind of cute. I'm her's and she knows it, but still gets possesive on me.

7. Her bag of tricks. She knows what I mean.

8. The way, right before sex, she always comes back and kisses me hard and tells me she loves me. Always. It never fails.

9. How she makes me comfortable with any situation, as long as she is there with me. I was never into kinky shit before. Ever. It wasn't my style. The idea of bondage made me fear for my peen, but I trust her. That sort of situation requires an incredible amount of trust, and she has it from me.

10. How loyal she is to her friends. If you're tight with her..she has your back through thick and thin. She goes out of her way to ensure other's happiness. If you're friends with her...you've got a friend for life.

In other news Bjork is here and almost gave me a heartattack. I really did forget how to breathe and speak and be human for awhile. :[

11:57am: Here are some baby pics so far.

( OSCAR BELLY!!! )

11:37am: Thoughts
I was told to update. Threatend even with a vicious angry face. >:O Oh the horror.

The past few days have been utterly amazing. No fighting, no emo shit..just two people in love enjoying one another's company. Can you believe one of our fights sort of centered around a candle and that same candle was the beginning of this awesome "happy/estatic" stretch we're going on? I know I couldn't.

She's been so happy the past few days. I can't stop looking at her when she's like this. Her entire face lights up and she's always grinning. She tucks her long, soft, blonde hair behind her ears before she gets ready to say something stupid. It's like she's gearing herself up for it. It's always the same steps. Eyes widen, smile slowly forms into a huge grin, tucks hair behind ears, says something hysterically funny or stupid. It's great. I love when she randomly says stupid things that really make no sense, but make me laugh anyways. I love laughing. I love when she makes me laugh. She makes me laugh a lot.

She mentioned how sometimes she really is just "one of the guys", and it's incredibly true. I can switch the charm on an off with great ease and I've never felt comfortable doing that with any other woman. One minute I can be cuddling with her, holding her tight, rubbing her thigh anything that could be classified as "sweet" and "romantic" and the next be burping incredibly loud in her face and making her spit McDonalds out of her mouth by squishing her cheeks together. I have no inhibitions with her. She's my best friend, my family, my lover, my soulmate. She's everything.

Her update pretty much made me squee. She said "makes love with" and I just about had ahernia. She never says "makes love" and normally freaks out when I say it...but to have her say it was just..wow. It proves just how much she loves me to go out of her comfort zone and say something like that. We've been learning a lot about going out of comfort zones recently. She's the only one I'd do that for. Ever.

Right now she's sitting on the hotel bed painting her toenails. Well, trying too. Her Oscar belly is sort of in the way, but not so much that it makes the task impossible. I love when she concentrates really hard. She puts one of her front teeth, sometimes both, on her bottom lip and gently bites it while she's doing whatever it is she's doing. A peice of her bangs that are growing out just fell in her face and she just puckered her lips together and blew it out of her face and went back to the task at hand. It's little things like that that make me realize how in love with her I am. She's so graceful and classy, but has her moments where she's such a man and has more testosterone than I do.

I love being able to just watch her, almost study her every movement. Her every facial expression. If I could I'd study her brain to figure out how she thinks. What she's thinking at this very moment. What she's thinking when I'm holding her. What she's thinking when we're making love. What she's thinking when I'm doing something stupid to make her laugh. What she's thinking when I'm out on stage and she's standing off to the side watching me.

I wish there was a way to know her every thought, but sometimes the mystery of things is what makes things fun. The unknown sometimes scares people, but in this case...it makes things exciting. Things seem brand new and for the first time everyday with her. Everytime we kiss, something is different about it. Where her hands are, where mine are, how long, how hard, how short, how deep...not knowing what's coming next all the time is amazing. Not knowing what she's thinking during these "happy times" makes me want to continue the happy times, ya know? It makes me want to keep holding her and playing with her hair to try to get her to tell me her every thought. Her every dream, every wish. Something.

Why do I sound like a Hallmark card?

9:39am: HI CAM BABY
Let us re-cap the great names and occasions I have to call the woman I love.

Cameron - I actually call her this more then anything else. I use it when I'm pissed at her, I use it during sex, I use it for super sappy conversations.

Cam - I've honestly never been fond of this one, but it's easier to say. Joking around and sex is when this one is used. Or when she's doing something stupid and I call her on it. Like "HEE"ing. And sometimes "OHHH CAM" sounds better then "OHH CAMERON". -- Why am I writing an update about this?

Cameron Nicole - HAHAHAH HER NEW ONE. This will be used for fights and serious conversations. Although the idea of using her middle name with her first name makes me feel like her father. Eh.

Cammy - She hates it, but I like tormenting her with it. It's especially exciting when I kiss all over her face and say it in a baby voice. She loves me. Honestly.

EDIT!!!

Cam-Bones - A childhood nickname given to her because she was so damn skinny. I just use it because it sounds funny.

Why in God's name did I just take the time to write this? Someone shoot me.

3:24pm: Cameron wrote a pointless update and now it's my turn.

I went to Pizza Hut before soundcheck. I ate salad and veggie pizza and now I feel like poo. I cannot stop listening to the Daredevil soundtrack because I am very vain and enjoy listening to myself.

I have a pink spot on my hand, from a very hot waxy like substance. It's great. I made myself proud. I WAS KINKY.

Now I am going to go watch Frank McClusky CI because Cameron is the best. Goodbye

11:31am: I've written once before about how I hate failure. I don't stand for it. I'm such a perfectionist sometimes that it's really rather disgusting. I want everything to be perfect. Not necessarily done my way or no way at all...but I want it to live up to the standards I have formed in my head. For some reason it's imperative that everything I'm involved in...be perfect.

I don't want to sound lame and blame it on my "middle-child syndrome", which I do still have, but I think it is a part of the way I am today. Part of the reason that no matter what it is...it has to be perfect and flaw-free or else I crumble and break down. Before Ben came along...everything I did stood out. Granted it was only for 2 years, but even little kids can remember getting a bunch of attention and being "coo"ed and cuddled over. Then I became the middle child. I was not the one that got to experience everything first and make a big fuss over when they accomplished something new, and I wasn't the "cute" one anymore...I wasn't the baby. I think people under estimate how much influence the "middle-child syndrome" has on a person...even 25 years later. I quickly learned that too stand out I had to do things perfect the first time around, had to be funny, had to be intelligent etc etc. So I taught myself how to do all those things. My mom taught me and Ben classical piano when we were young...and though I didn't exactly catch on to everything the first try...I remember impressing my mom with what I did pick up the first couple of times. I remember her taking notice of my attempts and my efforts and being proud of what I had done. Same went for school, guitar and now the band. My efforts never went unnoticed.

It's a strange feeling to think that someone you love doesn't take notice of your efforts. I try so hard for her sometimes that I forget to take care of myself. I try not to put myself before her...but I think now I need too. I ran out of ideas on how to "convince" her of my sincerity a long long time ago...and I still have yet to figure it out. I try new things, I say new things, I look at her in different ways...and it always seems to go unnoticed. Or if not unnoticed entirely...it only makes a difference for a few days before we're back to where we were to begin with. It's really not fair.

When she first came back...I had a hard time letting her back into my life. Sure, I had no problem cheating on Katherine with her, making out with her on her living room floor, lying to Kat and staying at Cam's house to cuddle and talk and whatever...but it's always easy to hide away the pain and hurt to enjoy the good that's there. When I couldn't take it anymore, I'd snap and re-hash all the reasons why she couldn't possibly be sincere. I lost track of how many times I made her feel like shit for what she did. It wasn't that she deserved it...but that it made me feel better to have some power in the situation. That sounds awful...but it's not what I really mean. In that first situation, I had no power. She broke me then. She really did. She took away everything I thought was real...and left me with nothing but questions, so when she came back...I wasn't about to let her in so easy. Eventually I came around...and we made things work.

Now this time, it's her making me feel like shit countless times. She doesn't necessarily re-hash what happened or show me where I went wrong like I did to her, but she has other ways of nonchalantly doing it. Little comments here or there, ya know? She says she forgave me a long time ago for it, but I can't help but wonder sometimes. If she really has forgiven me...then why are we back to fighting all the time? Why are we back to not being able to go more then a day without someone getting pissed at the other. And, I'm not saying I'm perfect and that I never get mad at her, because I do, but statisically speaking it seems she gets mad at me more then I ever get mad at her. It's like nothing I do is good enough for her.

I confessed to her last night that it seems like she searches for things to get mad at me about because she doesn't think it's fair to throw what I did back in my face. She couldn't say that's what it was and she couldn't say that's not what it was. I hate answers like that. They're so open for interrpretation that it's sick. Not knowing if that's what it is or not is killing me. I'd rather her throw everything back in my face 10 fold...then have her get mad at me about little things and twisting them around to make them bigger then what they really are.

I don't know how much longer I can go on doing this. I'm not that strong. I care so much about making her happy that I'm not making myself happy anymore. I'm only happy when she is, which is a lot riding on her shoulders. I can't keep doing this one day we're fine and the next I want to give up on everything. It's not fair to either of us. I'm not strong enough to leave her, so I won't. I don't want to leave her. I love her more then life itself...but sometimes I just cannot help wondering why this isn't perfect. Why the one thing I've put so much effort into, learned so much about, taught myself so much about...isn't the way I want it to be. My perfection has failed me on this one.

I don't like failing.

3:25pm: My immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

...I don't know.

10:19am: Hmm
Right now I am on a bus on the way to Georgia. Yesterday we played Bristow, Virginia...wherever the fuck that was. They told us that it was "DC", but "DC" has hobos...this place didn't.

Anyways, yesterday I let loose and had some fun with everyone else on the tour. I made Cameron sit through Jurassic 5 with me. I've never actually sat down and watched their entire show, but yesterday I was feeling incredibly black so I insisted on sitting off to the side of the stage with a beanie and baggy shorts and watched. When I got the idea I grabbed Cameron's hand and I believe that I said "LETS GO BE GHETTO!!!!!" and forced her to sit with me. I sat down in this horrible folding chair, pulled her in my lap and sadly would just not let go. IT MADE ME WANT TO BE BLACK, OK? They were good. Odd...but good. Kilmore now says my case of "white-boy syndrome" is worse and that I should stop trying to be black. :\

What else...the night before Cam, myself, and the guys hung out with The Donna's...which I guess is nothing new. Those chicks can smoke. I was impressed. Chick smokers are the best. Cameron's was once a chick smoker...she's still the best. She's better then all of you. Everyone else loses. CAM WINS AT THE GAME OF LIFE.

Wow. I need to calm down. It's far to early to be this hyper and sdflkashflksdhfdd. Whatever that means. I was a ballerina on stage. People were whistling at my ass. I don't get why.

This entry is far to spastic and all over the place. Goodbye.

11:02am: I love how no one tells me anything. >:O

10:40am: HAHAHA

WTF I HAVE A BIG MOUTH.

ITS GONE.

NO ONE SAW. BREATHE EASY CAMERON. BREATHE.

11:46pm: "Good. Now you're just like everyone else."

....

Ya. Thanks.

Excuse me while I vomit and silently curse you out under my breath.

8:43am: Ya know what really pisses me off? When someone I love is getting used and taken advantage of and it happens right infront of my eyes...and sadly there really isn't a damned thing I can do about it. I can't get involved, they're big kids, they can handle their own problems and make their own decisions. HOWEVER, I don't really appreciate someone with such a big heart dropping their life at pure random FOR OTHER PEOPLE, then those other people using other's time only when the mood suits them.

I also don't appreciate seeing someone worked up and concerned over a friend, goes to see them..then suddenly the person no longer needs them and the trip ends up being hectic, chaotic and an emotional rollercoaster...all for what? Nothing. Trips like these aren't cheap kids. People have lives outside of you.

One of these days you'll get taken advantage of and pissed off in the way someone else is right now, I can guarentee it. Karma is a bitch kids.

If you think this entry is about you...chances are it is. I'm pissed. Later.

Forget it.

8:00am: All About Oscar
I decided I should write a short entry to entertain Cameron when she waks up. I think my ADHD is rubbing off on her because sometimes she's more distracted and gets bored more easily then I do. It's really very amusing. Honestly. Anyways, I'm on a plane to Florida. Why? Cameron has the biggest heart and when her friends need her...she's there. Somehow I get to go along as well. Not that I'm complaining at all for I'm not, it's just not how I expected to my 2 day break. It's alright though. Any friend of hers is a friend of mine.

I've been doing a lot of random thinking about a few things the past couple days. It's funny how when you're about to become a parent, all these stupid things that you've always wanted to do seem to slowly fade away. For example, it sounds stupid and I'm sure I could never get anyone else's consent so it could actually happen...but a 3-sum. I've always dreamt about having a 3-sum with 2 beautiful women, and now with a baby on the way it'll never happen. Sounds lame huh? What else...sky-diving. Not indoor sky-diving like I do everytime we're in Vegas, but real sky-diving. I don't think I could go out one day to sky-dive knowing that something could go wrong and take me away from my son, ya know? Pot in the house. How small and trivial and stupid does that seem? But that bothers me too. The house I'm in now has been my house for a little more then 2 years and has been me and Cam's for about 7 months. I've always smoked pot in the house. Even with Cam living with me it's always been like "Mike Bachelor Pad". I've had to cut back on smoking inside since Cam got pregnant, but whenever she wasn't around BAM pot was in the house. Once Oscar comes...forget it. Touring is the big kicker. No more after-parties, no more random drugs, no more bellydancers, no more late nights. It'll be play a show, Oscar, play a show, Oscar etc etc. Not that I'm not stoked about having my sone finally here, but I'm just now realizing exactly what Oscar will be changing.

However, despite all the miniscule things he'll be taking away from me since he is hardcore square, hahah Cam I love you, I'm excited to see how he changes my life for the better. I like to think that I've been trying to take better care of myself and pay more attention to the consequences of my actions then I used too. I don't just have a fiancee anymore. I have a fiancee and a son. I have a family of my own now, so it definately means watching out for my well-being more then I used too. I used to be so careless, and honestly saw myself as invincible, I know better now. I'm not quite sure if Oscar has changed me anymore yet, or even if he will. You never fully expect someone to just randomly change your life though, ya know? I never, in a million years, expected a girl to change who I was and all for the better...but Cameron did. She made me a better person, and hopefully Oscar has the same effect on me.

Wow. Talk about sap.